I am fine

To all those people calling and checking on me, I'm totally fine. Thank you for your concern.

Not that anyone had any reason for actual concern - I was not on the plane, near the plane, or even aware of the plane. People just called me - concerned - because I happen to be in New York.

For those who don't know, here's everything I know:

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A small aircraft crashed into a building on Manhattan's Upper East Side on Wednesday, but a U.S. official said there was no evidence it was terrorism-related.

The Federal Aviation Administration said it was not clear whether the craft was a helicopter or a small plane, but the New York Fire Department identified it as a helicopter.

The crash occurred at East 72nd St. and York Avenue, near the East River.

"I have no reason to believe at this point that the crash in New York City is terrorism-related," said a U.S. official who declined to be identified.

CNN, citing a police source, said the craft hit a 20-story residential building.

Several helicopters have crashed over the years into or near the rivers flanking Manhattan.

UPDATE

These are (some of) the jokes - Week 3

In our latest assignment, we partnered up. We had to read the news and write up 20 premise lines for our partners - the premise lines being the actual set-ups for the jokes. I wrote 20 for my partner, he wrote 20 for me...

Then, based on our partner's premise lines, we had to write up our own punchlines. So, for the following jokes, my partner provided the set-ups, I provided the punchlines. Got it? Good.

Since we had to write up 20, I will spare you the full onslaught of my underwhelming mediocrity and only post the semi-decent ones. For my sake and yours.

Okay, enough of the preamble. Here are some of my jokes this week, based on my partner's premise lines. His premise lines are in italics; my punchlines are in bold.

This week, North Korea issued a statement claiming it needs atomic weapons to stop the United States from attacking.
Pointing to the current war in Iraq, Kim Jong Il observed, “The US only attacks countries that DON’T have atomic weapons.”

Russia announced today that it plans to impose sanctions and crack down on its one million Georgian immigrants working in Russia.
US officials have offered their help, asking “Have you guys thought about building a fence?”

As the New York Times is reporting, President Bush is backing embattled Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert, who's been criticized for his handling of the Mark Foley sex scandal.
Bush said that considering Foley’s behavior, no one should be surprised that Republicans have a problem with HANDLING things.

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice visited the Kurds in Iraq, praising their leaders but expressing concern over their desire to have autonomous control of their oil fields.
She stated, “Come on guys, we want the oil. That’s why we’re here. D’uh.”

Last month, Apple announced plans to recall thousands of Sony laptop batteries. This week, Hitachi announced it also plans to recall 16,000 of the Sony batteries.
An Apple spokesman remarked, “Do they have to copy EVERYTHING we do?”

This week, the Bush Administration announced that while job growth has slowed, unemployment has dropped down to 4.6 percent.
Of course, the Administration now defines “looking for a job” as “employment.”

Two American scientists received the Nobel Prize for their work on "space ripples."
Upon presenting the award, the disappointed Nobel committee realized it was mistaken, as the scientists were not working on “Space Nipples.”

Researchers found that Alcoholic drinks made with "diet" beverages make you drunker because Diet drinks pass through your system faster.
It’s a double win for frat guys: it’s cheaper to get their dates drunk…and with fewer calories, it’s South Beach friendly, too.

A new report suggests that there may be no direct link between breast-feeding and intelligence.
But men across the globe insist that they’ll keep on researching, dammit!

And my personal favorite of the bunch:

New research shows that Marijuana may be more effective in combating Alzheimer's than commercial drugs.
Unfortunately, patients can’t remember where they left their stash.

pocket change

An open letter.

TO: The U.S. Congress

RE: Planning to spend $20 Million on an Afghanistan/Iraqi War Victory Party

To Whom It May Concern,

Screw you.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen-Soldier

it's already Friday?!

October 6th? What? How does that happen? How can this be? I'm losing weeks at a time here, folks!

If only it were some sort of alcoholic blackout - at least I'd know I had fun during THOSE lost days. Alas, no. Alack. Does anyone even use the word alack anymore? The answer is, of course, I'm a geek.

Writing's been keeping me pretty busy - funny how one does not feel like updating a blog when one spends every waking hour writing.

So, in lieu of any actual content, I give you:

Pets in Halloween Costumes!!

While I remain morally opposed to dressing up animals for our own delight and amusement, I must admit that pets dressed up as Super Heroes are adorable. And dressed as characters from Star Wars? Too...cute...for words....must not look....

I mean, Doggie Leia, people:

Doggie Leia!!!

May the Force be with us all.

ACK!

Spiritually cleansed, but buried under an ever-growing pile of work. So here's a fun little link - via Rich Johnston - to the Merry Marching Marvel Society's 1965 raucous record!

click here for a very special message from the MMMS!

Excelsior!

These are the jokes - week 2

This week's assignment, jokes for the Daily Show. They all needed to be based on one news story from the New York Times. I chose the one about the President speaking before the UN

"Hey! Did you hear the one about the ...?" Ugh.

Here are my 5 attempts.

JOKES – WEEK 2

In his UN address, President Bush told Muslims he is not waging war against Islam, regardless of what they hear ... from him.

During his UN speech, President Bush told Iranians that their country was in danger because “your rulers have chosen to deny you liberty and to use your nation's resources to…fuel extremism and pursue nuclear weapons.” He added, “Wait, sorry. That’s MY country.”

President Bush tried to quell anti-Americanism in the Middle East, stating “My country desires peace.” He emphasized his point, saying: “Any country that doesn’t understand we want peace is gonna get bombed back to the Stone Age!”

The President took a moment to address the Iraqis directly in his UN speech, telling them: “We will not abandon you in your struggle to build a free nation.'' He continued, “No matter how much freedom we need to destroy in THIS nation.”

Speaking before the UN, President Bush assured Muslims he is not waging a war against Islam. “And I don’t care how many Islamic countries we need to bomb to prove it.”

Head of the Year

Offline for most of the weekend, so let me wish all my Chosen Peeps a Happy New Year!

Heck, I'll wish EVERYONE a Happy New Year!

Nothing like some Rosh Hashanah cheer.

Praise the Lord and pass the kugel!

Too Soon

Still no cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith's son.

How about: embarrassment.

This is only funny if you know who Rick Jenkins is.

This is Rick Jenkins.

For over ten years, he has helped guide the next generation of comics from high atop the Kong at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square, providing opportunities, advice, and stage time for Boston's brightest future comedy stars.

Last April, Rick celebrated The Comedy Studio's 10th anniversary.

As a comic who started out pretty much started out when the Studio did, I watched that club develop and grow over that 10 year span. And I saw Rick host a lot of shows.

Rick graciously invited me to perform on one of the anniversary shows. I accepted.

Here, now, is that set - my tribute to the Godfather of Boston Comedy, Mr. Rick Jenkins.

Be warned - this clip is only funny if you know and love Rick. It also contains very naughty language.

Very, very naughty language. And some shaky video. Sorry 'bout that.

return of the brilliant quote

Don't know what made me think of this quote. Wandering around, looking for an ATM. In Chinatown.


"Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."

- Lawrence Walsh
(Joe Mantell)

Chinatown.

Written by Robert Towne, with an uncredited assist from Roman Polanski.

Rumor has it that Towne had written an upbeat, happy ending but Polanski insisted on a tragic one, sparking many heated arguments. In the end, Towne finally admitted that Polanski probably got it right.

These are the jokes, people.

Is this thing on?

As we all know, I'm in grad school for dramatic writing and one of my classes this semester is Writing for Late Night.

Every week, we have to write topical jokes and turn them in by Saturday. And hey, it just so happens that joke writing coincides with my other life...and I need content for this blog thingy here, so birds and stones. Am I right, folks?

Anyway, all of this is a long, rambling preamble-y way of saying that every Saturday, I plan to post my humble little jokes for your edification and possible amusement.

Feel free to rip 'em to shreds or bust a gut or whatever it is you kids do these days.

This week's assignment was to write up 5 potential monologue jokes for Conan O'Brien and 1 Emmy monologue joke.

Here's this week's batch:

• Katie Couric had the No. 1 newscast ratings Tuesday until the end of the week on Friday, but, as the New York Post reported, her ratings fell by almost half during that time… when viewers realized they were watching Katie Couric.

• Colin Powell sent a letter urging the administration to put an immediate end to its interrogation program, calling it cruel and inhumane torture. Powell then sent the exact same letter to Fox’s “Celebrity Duets.”
  

• Pope Benedict XVI sparked controversy the other day when he quoted a medieval Emperor who said that Muhammad was “evil and inhuman” and that he “spread by the sword the faith he preached." The Pope went on to angrily preach against the Islamic faith without any trace of irony whatsoever.

• After Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s tragic death at the barb of a stingray, Australians have responded by killing over 20 stingrays in revenge attacks. In keeping with current foreign policy, the US has announced it will also retaliate…by attacking baby seals.

• The Casbah Coffee Club, created in 1959 in the basement of drummer Pete Best’s Liverpool home, has gained protected status by the British government for its important historical significance to the Beatles. Pete Best’s significance to the Beatles remains largely ignored.

EMMY joke:

• It’s nice to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus nominated for best actress in a comedy series. Of course, all her competitors in that category are from cancelled shows…I hope this isn’t CBS’ way of breaking the news to her.

Thanks, Mo!

According to Mo, I am number 35 on the "Top 40 blogs by and for comedians." Cool. Very, very cool. And I don't even really know Mo, making Mo all the more awesome.

The only thing cooler would be to reach number 9. Or snag an HBO special. Either/Or, really.

If you'd like to see the internet's number 35th-ranked comedian blogger, come on out tonight to Union Square in NYC!

TONIGHT!
Friday September 15th @ 10:30 PM
Sweet Paprika
D-Lounge * 101 E. 15th St. Union Square East * NYC
5 bucks gets you comedy

your stupid comments will end up on my blog

I'm buying my coffee this morning and I very clearly order a medium coffee. A very sweet-looking old lady stands next to me. She walks away from the counter and as our eyes meet, she says to me:

"Are you a latte-lapping liberal?"

And then she cackles.

I reply: "Nope. I'm drinking a regular coffee."


I'm not quite sure what prompted this...attack? Attempt at ironic conversation? Descent into dementia?

Do I look particularly liberal? Maybe she reads my blog.

I'm also not sure how it's exactly an insult...if it even was an insult. Maybe it was code, like how Communists would greet each other with "Fellow traveler."

What would the opposite be? A coal-crunching conservative?

Many questions. Fewer answers. I'm going to drink my coffee now.

Sumatra blend. Cream and sugar. With a sprinkle of cinnamon.

But that doesn't easily lend itself to a concise clever comment, pithy pronouncement, or an alliterative aside.

Calling Law & Order: SVU

It's a tabloid fantasia!

Anna Nicole gives birth to a future trailer park mom! But tragedy strikes, as her son mysteriously dies!

Anna Nicole Smith found her 20-year-old son dead three days after she gave birth to a girl.

Authorities have not determined what killed Daniel Wayne Smith, whom Smith discovered unresponsive Sunday in the private Doctor's Hospital in Nassau, Bahamas, reports TMZ.com.

"Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being," says a statement on Smith's Web site.
Daniel was in the Bahamas with Smith, 38, when she gave birth to a 6-pound, 9-ounce girl at the hospital Thursday, according to her Web site.

He is the son of Anna Nicole and Billy Smith, whom she married in 1985 when she was 16 and he was 17. They divorced two years later.

She has yet to name the father of her baby girl, though there has been much speculation that it is Louisville native Larry Birkhead, an entertainment journalist.

A note on Birkhead's Web site said he had "absolutely no comment" on the birth.

Let me repeat that last bit:

She has yet to name the father of her baby girl

If I were on Law & Order: SVU, here's what my theory would be:

Anna Nicole's son is the baby's daddy.

Unable to deal with the shame, he drowns his sorrows in booze and pills...leading to his untimely demise.

SHOCKING!

Anyway, that's my Law & Order theory...

5 years later

and suddenly it was September

Back in school, back in the city, already overwhelmed with work.

Jeez...being in an intense writing program sure does make one less likely to indulge in the whole blogging thing.

Anyway, here's a little birthday gift sent to me via the comments from Randy.

Yes. Lazy post. Meef.

29

Born today:

King Alexander III of Scotland (1241), Wanli, Emperor of China (1563), John Dillon(1851), Paul Harvey (1918), Dick York (1928), Mitzi Gaynor (1931), Damon Wayans (1960), Mike Piazza (1968), Beyoncé Knowles (1981), Beetle Bailey (1950), and the Edsel (1957)!


And, in 1977...

Me.

Mel Gibson Apology Redux - Variant Edition * NOW IN COLOR!

Such a busy week, I'm afraid I don't really have time to keep up my cyber presence. But will I let you, my faithful reader* go without new content? I see thee nay!

So, instead of an all-new post, I'm going to try something a little different. I'm putting up a repeat post (from a few weeks ago)...

BUT!

This one's a special ultra rare collector's item variant edition! Director's Cut! With special features!!

Boy, I sure am getting a whole lot of mileage out of this whole "Mel Gibson hates Jews" thing. As a Jew, it troubles me deeply. As a comic, I am exceedingly grateful.


Read on...

Wow. Mel Gibson sure was serious when he said he would reach out to the Jewish community and ask for forgiveness. Look what he's sending out to every single Jew in the world, ever**:

Dear Jew,

I'm sorry!

Please accept my sincerest regret that you will spend eternity in Hell.

Your Pal,

Mel

I got mine this morning. Pretty sweet. Good ol' Mel will have things patched up with the Jews in no time!

*Ross

**Yes, there is a list of all the Jews in the world, ever. It's for, um...research.

***This was based on Ross' brilliant idea.**

***SPECIAL BONUS MEL GIBSON MATERIAL***

Here's the Mel Gibson bit I've been doing onstage:

What happened with Mel Gibson? He went from zero to crazy in two beers. he wasn't even being pulled over for being Anti-Semetic! The cop pulls him over and Mel just goes nuts. "Do you know who I am? I hate the Jews, that's who I am!!" Guy ruined his career.

...which is exactly as the Jews planned it.

movin' on up.

Last two shows have been fantastic, finished the first draft of a full-length play, and I'm moving to a new apartment this week. Indeed, I shall soon be a city boy.

So, it's been a tad bit busy. But on the plus side:

I'm movin' on up!

comedy (again) tonight!!

9:30pm: Laughing With the Enemy - $10

From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."


Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.

Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.

Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.

Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials.

9:30PM
$10!!!!
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)

Call: 1-800-838-3006
Click here for tickets:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5819

Make sure you select the 9:30PM show!!

"The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes."

For anyone following Who Wants To Be A Superhero?...a eulogy.

I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts:
I am no orator, as Scipio is;

simply click here and choke back the tears

O! now you weep, and I perceive you feel
The dint of pity; these are gracious drops.

Has ever a reality show before inspired such poetry?

background music

Lots of writing this weekend.

Which means iPod shuffle! Here are the last 10 songs:

Country House - Blur

I remember hearing this song years and years ago - right when this album came out - late one night on college radio. The song stuck in my head, but no one had heard it or knew what I was talking about. This was long before Google brought every scrap of information ever right to your brain instantly. I had to actually hunt down this song and figure out who the hell this British-band-that-was-not-Oasis was! Using only my weak powers of imitation and near-ability to carry a vague tune. I finally found some music geek who figured out I was talking about Blur. Then the song became kind of a hit. And then Blur had Song #2 and everyone knew Blur. Woo. Hoo. This is still my favorite Blur tune.

Serial Killa - Snoop Dogg

'Sup, fool. I totally dig Snoop Dogg. I just love 'im. This either makes me incredibly cool or incredibly white.

Ain't That A Shame - Fats Domino

Fats Domino - the Snoop Dogg of the 1950s? Discuss.

Fine Again - Seether

One Hit Wonder! Very catchy pseudo-angsty alterna-shite.

Oliver's Army - Elvis Costello

"Oliver's Army is in my head!
Can't get the tune out, it's stuck in my head!"*

*To the tune of "Oliver's Army"...of course.

Valouria - Pixies

Bossanova. Better album than Surfer Rosa? Discuss.

For No One - The Beatles

This is one of the most elegant songs ever written. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Revolver. Better album than Sgt. Pepper? Discuss.

Funky Fresh Dressed - Missy Elliot

Is there a better, all-around hip-hop artist?

Just having Missy Elliot on my iPod makes me that much hipper. I also realize that the above statement makes me that much less hip.

Truth Doesn't Make a Noise - The White Stripes

This gritty, bluesy, moody, hard-edged song is from De Stijl, the great and underrated album before their breakthrough White Blood Cells album.

Love this album. Love this band. You can say whatever you want about her limited abilities as a drummer - or lack thereof - but this is still a great band. Just admit it already.

Ready To Go - Republica

I feel like I'm in a Gap commercial. Didn't they use this song in a Hyndai ad?

This is the original mix, which starts with a cool soft piano intro before easing into the thumping house beat...wait, I have Republica on my iPod?!


******BONUS SONG PLAYING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS******

Black Hole Sun - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé!!!

This fantastic lounge version is from the inconsistent Lounge-A-Palooza album. If you don't innately understand how amazing Steve and Eydie singing Black Hole Sun is, then there's nothing more I can do for you.

It is sublime.

I know, I know...

It's been mad here. We're all mad here.

On the plus side, I will not be homeless next week.

More writing later.

In the meantime, here's an announcement from me:

Friends and assorted riff-raff,

Monday Night at 9:30PM I'm doing an awesome show that you will like. Details below. But first...

Tonight:

I'm doing a quick, last-minute opening spot at Sweet Paprika. Tonight. It's a 10:30 show and one of the best in the city. $5 gets you a whole lotta comedy!

Sweet Paprika!

101 E. 15th St., Union Sq. East, the D-Lounge, basement.

Then, on Monday Night:

I'm doing a very special show on Monday night at 9:30pm called "Laughing with the Enemy". 3 conservative comics. 3 Liberal comics. And TWO Jews in the military!! One is in the Army (me). One is a Marine. One is Enlisted (me). One is an Officer. One is a Veteran of Enduring Freedom (me). One is a Veteran of Iraqi Freedom. Which one is funnier (me)? YOU can help decide!

Please feel free to forward this to anyone else you might think would be interested!


8/28 - 9:30pm: Special Show: Laughing With the Enemy - $10
From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."
Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.
Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.
Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.
Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials.

9:30PM
$10!!!!
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)

Call: 1-800-838-3006
Click here for tickets:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5819

Make sure you select the 9:30PM show!!



Hope to see you there!

B.

Upcoming Shows

Nothing fancy, just some pimpin'.

Tomorrow night, I'll be at Rififi. The awesomely awesome Drink at Work crew runs a great show on Mondays at the Ace of Clubs. This summer, they've expanded to Tuesdays at Rififi and I will be on tomorrow night's show, along with an avalanche of comedic talent. An avalanche! And it's only Free!

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street

Tuesday, August 22

Host: Andres du Bouchet

Performing:
Dan Bialek (LA)
Nate Bargatze
Nick Cobb
Myka Fox
Benari Poulten
Eliza Faria Santos
and sketch group Lolabrigada

Thursday night, I'll be at Bar None for a 10pm show. That one could quickly degenerate into a bar brawl, so come check it out if you're into that sort of thing.

Desperate Times

I do have a couple of shows coming up, which I will pimp soon.

But I've, ah, been a little busy this past week. To be honest, I'm kind of in crisis mode.

The upshot is this: If you know of any good leads on an apartment in the New York City area, drop me a line.

Thanks.

"Rocky Five....Thousand"

Suddenly that lame joke in Space Balls is a little closer to coming true.

Noah mentioned the upcoming Rocky Balboa movie and while I commented on it there, I figure it's worth posting here, since I'm in the middle of writing scripts...and I clearly can't focus.

Rocky Balboa.

All I know is, it's only worth making if Rocky dies at the end.

Why make a movie about a geriatric Rocky if he doesn't go out in a toothless blaze of glory?

Also, it seems like they have a pretty boring "threat" for Rocky to face. Too bad this movie's opponent in no way looks as awesome as Apollo Creed. Or Mr. T. Definitely nowhere near as badass and insanely awesome as Drago. Rocky kind of needs a kickass nemesis to fight and it doesn't look like this guy's anything other than a young, hotshot punk boxer. Come on. Have you seen the other Rocky movies?! I'd rather see him fight Soda Popinski from Mike Tyson's Punchout than pretend there's a real challenge to Rocky from some young, unknown fake "champion" boxer. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far.

On a positive note:

I'm glad it's called Rocky Balboa. It would have been a mistake to call it Rocky VI. Because, as we all know, Rocky V does not exist. Never happened.

Rocky fought Drago and ended the Cold War and that's how the Rocky series ended.

Friends don't let friends write tired...

Not quite sure where I was going with it when it happened, but I've been trying to catch up on all the writing I haven't been doing this summer and while writing at 1:30 in the morning, I kinda fell asleep mid-sentence.

JACK

And you're never mad at us for whatever it is you're mad at us for. Suddenly I'm trying to make the dish out to eb

It starts off perfectly fine. And I think the second sentence kind of almost makes sense at the beginning, but then...

um. Never write tired, kids. It's taken me far more time today to try to figure out what the hell I was talking about than it would have taken me to just start fresh today.

That's my lesson today.

And, uh, stay in school.

louder than bombs

As chaos engulfs the Holy Land, The Lord Almighty reveals proof of a higher a power...and a wicked sense of humor:

The breast job that saved a life
Hospital: Shrapnel from rocket lodged in implants, sparing Israeli woman

JERUSALEM - An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart.

Also, we'd like pictures please. For, um, research purposes.

In other twisted-but-hilarious-it's-so-sad-it's-funny news from that region:

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip - Nahed Ghurani worried that naming his new son Hezbollah might cause the boy problems when he grows up. But young Hezbollah Ghurani won’t be the only Palestinian in this predicament.

In a spasm of celebration for Hezbollah’s monthlong battle against Israel, many parents in Gaza City have named their children after the Islamic militant group and its leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah.

...

“It’s a hope for victory that encourages women to do this,” maternity ward nurse Fiza Zaanin said.

“Just like when women named their children Saddam when he promised to destroy Israel,” she explained, referring to ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein who launched missiles at Israel during the first Gulf War.

Thanks, crazy moms. I wonder what those kids are gonna grow up to be.

I hope the kids rebel. Giving these young'uns hate-filled names might be just the thing that finally drives them to become peaceniks. Out of spite, of course. It would be awesome if one of them grew up to lead a successful peace movement.

"Now accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, Hamas Jihad."

Stan Lee says...

"A super hero never reveals his secret identity."





I just wish the current writers, artists, and editors over at Marvel watched Who Wants To Be A Superhero.

1 down, 8 more lives to go?

Sad news from the hardened streets of Brooklyn.

One of New York's feline finest has fallen in the line of duty.

Undercover Kitty died tragically after being hit by a car. It seems that even the strong paw of justice is no match for traffic.

NEW YORK -- Fred the Undercover Kitten, who gained fame this winter by posing as a would-be patient to help police nab a phony veterinarian, has died.

The 15-month-old tabby was killed last week when he wandered into traffic and was run over by a car, according to the Brooklyn district attorney's office.

Fred was a rescued stray when he was enlisted by law enforcement in February.

An undercover investigator posing as Fred's owner summoned the suspect to an apartment rigged with a hidden camera and pretended the kitten needed to be neutered. The man was arrested as he left carrying Fred in a box and cash for the operation.

Fred got his due at a news conference, where he sported a tiny badge on his collar. ``He's pretty easygoing, a real Brooklyn guy," his caretaker, prosecutor Carol Moran, said at the time.

On Wednesday, Fred ran out Moran's back door while she was attending to two dogs. Neighbors later found his body in the road.

Fred had been ``preparing for a new career in education," the district attorney's office said.

I suspect foul play.

Look what I got in the mail!

Wow. Mel Gibson sure was serious when he said he would reach out to the Jewish community and ask for forgiveness. Look what he's sending out to every single Jew in the world, ever*:

Dear Jew,

I'm sorry!

Please accept my sincerest regret that you will spend eternity in Hell.

Your Pal,

Mel

I got mine this morning. Pretty sweet. Good ol' Mel will have things patched up with the Jews in no time!

*Yes, there is a list of all the Jews in the world, ever. It's for, um...research.

**This was based onRoss' brilliant idea.**

I knew it!

The cops won't release the Mel Gibson tapes of his infamous arrest.

Authorities have refused to release video and audio tapes of Mel Gibson's drunken driving arrest, saying the material is part of an "investigatory file" and exempt from the California Public Records Act.

Which means that the tapes DO exist.

Audio and video.

There is no way that these tapes are not hilarious.

I daresay they may be the most hilarious tapes ever recorded.

We wants them.

back

I was away, but now I have returned.

Army weekend.

Most surreal moment of my car trip home:

Driving back - in uniform - and singing out loud to The Beatles' All You Need Is Love.

I am subversive.

War is over. If you want it.

Something something. Peace.

My iPod says a lot about me

The Onion has a section where they have someone famous listen to their iPod on shuffle and then talk about the songs. And no cheating, skipping the embarrassing songs.

I'm not famous (yet) but I do have an iPod. And I've been listening to it on shuffle while I work on this script. And instead of continuing to work on my script, like I should be doing, I will share the first seven songs I've heard.

Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies

You either like the Pixies or you are an ass.

Hush - Deep Purple

This song will now be stuck in my head for two days.

Que Sera, Sera/You Oughta Know - The Dan Band

This is from a concert CD of The Dan Band, which is the band that plays the hilarious "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at Frank's wedding in the movie Old School. Yes, I have The Dan Band on my iPod. Love me.

I Love You, Baby - Brak

Brak, from Space Ghost. Singing. Love me more.

Soap Star Joe - Liz Phair

Liz Phair is the kind of gal I love...because I'm also a little afraid of her.

Black and White World - Elvis Costello & the Attractions

I'll always be jealous of Danny, who got to meet him. Bastard.

Manifest/Outro - The Fugees

This reminds me - I really need to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Maybe I'll rent it tonight and watch that instead of finishing this script...

SPECIAL BONUS SONGS THAT PLAYED WHILE TYPING THIS VERY POST:

Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

Shut up.

Transformer - Gnarls Barkley

This song rocks. As my good friend Baron says, if they don't use this song in the upcoming Transformers movie, they are stupid, stupid people.

Tomorrow Never Knows - The Beatles

Frankly, I'm surprised it took this long for my iPod to play a Beatles song.

More Mel-odrama

From Mel Gibson's latest apology:

The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God's child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.

I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.

I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.

Lucky for Mel, I'm sure there will be plenty of sympathetic, charitable Jewish leaders who will take him up on his offer of help. And then he can go right back to making his cracks about Jews, but this time he can defend himself: "I can say that. I have a lot of Jewish friends, now!"

It's nice that Mel wants Jews to help him get over his bigotry - ahem, I mean, alcoholism. But I have to ask: If he believes so strongly in whatever it is that he believes, why can't his awesome religion help him through this, his darkest hour?

On Mel Gibson

Had a chance to work on some new material last night, including some topical stuff which I think will have a shelf-life of five minutes ago. So, I figured I'd share my little Mel Gibson joke that I wrote this weekend. PS: It worked quite well last night.

It's always tough for my people. We've got Israel and Lebanon and now this Mel Gibson thing. Mel Gibson gets busted for a DUI and completely has a meltdown. Just throws his career away. He called the cop "sugar tits" and just started ranting about the Jews. "The Jews start all the wars!" "Fucking Jews." "It's all the Jews' fault - you...you a fucking a Jew?!"

I mean, he completey ruined his career.

Which is exactly how the Jews planned it.

Last Call

So, um...I don't know how I stumbled upon this, but I did.

Road House 2: Last Call.

They made a sequel to Road House.

Without Patrick Swayze.

They did it. They finally really did it. You maniacs!

Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!

Who wants to watch people who want to be superheroes?

I do.

And I'm not alone.

I did not expect to like this show at all.

But I LOVED it.

This show was supposed to be a cornball, last ditch lame attempt by the geeks to sink their fake vampire teeth into the bloated corpse of reality television.

But, like so many things having to do with geek culture, this show - with much thanks to Stan "The Man" Lee - manages to elevate itself above the normal reality show trainwreck, rewarding noble character over petty, self-interested, competition-minded contestants.

In a time when the sneakiest snake wins the "survival of the fittest" in the selfish world of reality television, along comes WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO? and completely shames the entire genre.

If this show were just a bunch of grown adults wearing gaudy outfits, running around with pretend superpowers and shouting cheesy catchphrases, it would simply fade away as another sad cliche of geek culture.

BUT.

From the get-go, nothing is as it seems.

The drama!

The pathos!

The HUMANITY!

When these would-be Superheroes screw up, Stan Lee mercilessly shames them, providing insight into what it means to be a true hero.

The first "hero" to be kicked off the show is revealed to be nothing more than a money-hungry, fame-obsessed celebrity wannabe. And Stan Lee will have none of it, teaching him - and everyone - a terrific lesson in humility. He needs to make sure that these people are there for the right reasons. It's fascinating. Sure, on the surface they look like a bunch of freaks and geeks, but what Stan Lee is really trying to do is look beyond the garish get-ups and see what makes a hero tick. It's not about the cool gadgets or the goofy costumes; it's about what's on the inside that counts. It's about the VALUES of heroism.

When Lee sees them flitting about their house like they're on a vacation, he barks orders at them, telling them in no uncertain terms that this is not how superheroes act.

You gotta love the sense of theatrics and the slowly brewing melodramas -

Hello! Major Victory is a former exotic dancer who feels like he let his daughter down!

Yet, beneath the flashy, cheesy exterior of the show is a lesson in true heroism, where one's character is tested more than their skill, where it's not enough to talk like a hero; it's most important to ACT like a hero.

When "Fat Momma" stops in the middle of her mission to help a crying child, we know that beneath her copious bosom beats the heart of a true hero. We no longer see a large woman in a ridiculous outfit with doughnuts hanging from her belt ... well, okay, we do see that, but we also see a mother, a human being. Someone who truly believes in helping others, no matter the cost.

When Cellphone Girl and Major Victory veer off from their given task to help that child in need, you know that they value the ideals of heroism over competition. We feel a little tingle of excitement as a cry for help is answered. And even as Major Victory mugs to the camera, we know that his heart's in the right place. Sure his costume riffs heavily on The Greatest American Hero ... and that helps, too.

Many of these costumed characters fail their first real test and when Stan Lee solemnly chastises the so-called heroes for ignoring a crying girl - for not taking time out to do the most important thing a hero can do, help someone in need - they realize that there's a lot more to being a real superhero than beating your opponents in a competition. And an important lesson is taught to all. Dressing up in a silly costume isn't so silly when you actually live up to the superhero standard of helping those in need. But when you act selfishly, ignoring the cries of help around you, standing there in a superhero outfit must feel like the most humiliating experience in the world.

"Son, you have a lot of growing up to do."

Stan Lee uttering those words is the reality television equivalent of "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."

In essence, this is an anti-reality show; instead of holding up a mirror to our culture and showing us how truly awful people are, WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO? encourages us to live up to an ideal, to be better than ordinary people, to be better human beings. Sure, it's filled with chessy maxims and over-the-top outrageous characters...but beneath the flash and pop is a show that rewards good behavior and a noble character.

Of course, Stan Lee sums up the show best when he explains that it's what's on the inside counts:

"Heart.

Compassion.

Courage.

Honesty and integrity."

These are the qualities that Stan's searching for and in a time when the word "hero" is tossed around to describe anyone from someone who hits homeruns to fictional characters who favor violence over peace, leave it to Stan Lee to provide a shining beacon of hope in a dark world.

Everyone of us could be an everyday superhero. It's not about costumes or powers or cool gadgets. It's not about talking the talk or saying you love being hero. Actions speak louder than words and are more dramatic than any of the show's dreamt-up theatrics. It's about BEING a hero, in every sense of the word.

Heart.
Compassion.
Intelligence.
Courage.
Honesty.
Integrity.

Who WOULDN'T want to be a superhero?!

Excelsior!

An important message

From the lovely ladies of Sweet Paprika:

Summer's almost over.
I hate to be the one to tell you, but I must.
Seriously, one more month and then it's back to the same grind you've had all summer, minus sidewalk cafes and rooftop parties.
Does anyone have a roof? Call me!

We're celebrating the last week of July with a bang, a scream and a strum.
Here's who's doing what:
Dan Newbower - Low key, relentless persuasion
Brad Loakey - Definitely bang
The Hazzards - All the strum without the drang
Benari Poulten - Please and thank you

And Allison and Ophira, screaming to be heard over the siren song of the vodka...

Sweet Paprika
at D-Lounge, beneath the Daryl Roth Theatre
Every Friday at 10:30pm
101 East 15th St. at Union Square East
$5, 2 drinks, endless laughs
www.sweetpaprika.com

ORDER TIX ONLINE!!!
www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5376

You heard the gals. Ge thee to D-Lounge!

with "Fox and Friends" like these....

TO: Fox News, "Fox and Friends"

FROM: The Jews

RE: Your new "Israel-friendly" graphic


You are not helping.

Oy.

a little less conversation...

...a little more self-promotion, please.

On Monday night at 8, I'll be performing at the 45th Street Theatre.

The 45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
Between 8th and 9th Avenue
Call 1-800-838-3006 for tickets and discounts!

It's a great line-up featuring:

Dean Obeidallah
Jim David
Julie Goldman
Jamie Jackson
and ME.

More details here: http://laughingliberally.com/shows.html


Then, on FRIDAY JULY 28th at 10:30pm, I'll be performing at one of my favorite shows in the city, Sweet Paprika.

D-Lounge, basement
101 E. 15th Street
Union Square East, NYC
10:30PM

Along with me, you get to see the always funny Allison Castillo and Ophira Eiesenberg, Dan Newbower, Brad Loekle, and the hilarious ukulele duo The Hazzards! All for 5 bucks!

More details here: http://www.sweetpaprika.com/schedule_sp.htm

Hope to see you there.

Thanks for supporting live comedy,

B.

brilliant dialogue

I know I've quoted Ghostbusters before, and I'll probably do so again. But somehow, recent world events have reminded me of this exchange:

Mayor

What do you mean, "biblical"?

Dr Ray Stantz

What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.

Dr. Peter Venkman

Exactly.

Dr Ray Stantz

Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.

Dr. Egon Spengler

Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...

Winston Zeddemore

The dead rising from the grave.

Dr. Peter Venkman

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!

Stan Lee Meets...

So, Marvel's releasing a new series this year in which Stan Lee meets five of his favorite Marvel (co-)creations.

And a few days ago, on a brief visit to Somerville, I chatted with chums Kevin and Mike at Comicazi (don't mean to brag) and I wondered aloud about the possibility of Marvel doing a comic book in which Stan Lee meets Jack Kirby all these years later to make amends. Of course, The King has passed on, but through the magical power of comic books, here's what I think the comic book would look like, in script form. Of course, this being modern-day Marvel, it would be written by Brian Michael Bendis.

Please note, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Stan Lee and Jack Kirby...this is all in bad taste and fun. And so, may I humbly present:

STAN LEE MEETS...
JACK KIRBY!

as written by Brian Michael Bendis

PAGE 1: SPLASH PAGE. STAN LEE bursts forth from the page like a bombastic, ritalin-deprived 6-year old.

STAN LEE

Hey, True Believer! Stan "the Man" Lee here to extend a humble hand in friendship to you, the ever-lovin', cigar-chompin' pencil-slingin' maestro of the marvelous, Jack "the King" Kirby. The past is past, ol' pal, so let's let bygones be bygones. If the Yanks and the Reds can do it, then surely two towering titans and tellers of terrific tales such as ourselves can bury the hatchet...in something other than a buddy's back! In fact, such debonair and devilish dynamos like the two of us should team-up! Like the old days! Just imagine...! You, me...why, we could put the whole boisterous bullpen back together! Who knows what new, dizzying heights of excellence we could achieve?! Fame, fortune, fantastic flights of fancy and ferocious fun...the sky's the limit! Whaddya say, ol' buddy, ol' pal?

PAGE 2: 9-Panel Grid. JACK KIRBY sits at his drawing board, smoking a cigar. He and STAN LEE face each other.

Panel 1. STAN and JACK stare at each other.

STAN LEE

So? How 'bout it, Jack?

Panel 2-9. STAN and JACK stare at each other. Jack's cigar gets progressively smaller as he puffs away.

NO DIALOGUE.

PAGES 3-21: Each page is a 9-panel grid and each panel is the same repeating image, except JACK's cigar gets smaller and smaller, until it's merely a nub. STAN and JACK silently stare at each other.

NO DIALOGUE.

PAGE 22: 9-panel grid of STAN and JACK staring at each other.

Panels 1-8. STAN and JACK stare at each other.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 9. Same image of STAN and JACK staring at each other. JACK's cigar has completely burnt out.

JACK KIRBY

Go fuck yourself.*

PAGE 23:

Panel 1. Suddenly, and without warning, a metal chair cracks Stan Lee over the head, knocking him out.

SFX: KER-RAAAANG!!

Panel 2. STEVE DITKO stands over STAN LEE, holding the chair.

STEVE DITKO

Justice demands that man's principles be fixed in terms of good and evil. Black and white! Any man who deliberately commits an evil act will be so judged! No man shall profit from choosing evil at the expense of those who choose to be good!

Panel 3. JACK KIRBY stares at STEVE DITKO, who clutches the metal chair.

NO DIALOGUE.

Panel 4. SAME IMAGE. JACK KIRBY stares at STEVE DITKO.

JACK KIRBY

You really need to get laid, Steve. You know that, right?

Panel 5. JACK lights up another cigar.

NO DIALOGUE.

Panel 6. CLOSE-UP on STAN LEE. He's propped his head up on one hand, his eyes are open and he has a large grin on his face.

STAN LEE

Fear not, o Faithful Ones! Your old pal, Stan Lee, can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'! It's just business as usual here on another typical day at the bullpen. If you want to see more pulse-pounding action and excitement, tune-in to what's sure to be the next far-out phenomenon, Who Wants To Be A Superhero?, Thursdays on Sci Fi Channel!

Panel 7. Small, circular panel. CLOSE-UP on STAN LEE's face. He's winking to the readers.

STAN LEE

EXCELSIOR!


*Remember, this is Brian Michael Bendis writing this! - Bashful Benari!

Brave New Frontier

This one's for the geeks.

DC's coming out with an all-new Martian Manhunter series and as much as I dig J'onn...well, I just ain't interested in this one. It just seems like they're trying to jam the character into a new edgier and extreme look and characterization. Because that worked so well in the past.

I'm sure everyone involved has the best of intentions, but with all due respect, I think they're missing the core coolness of the character.

What kind of Martian Manhunter series would I like to read?

One by Darwyn Cooke. I'd like to see a retro take on the character, maybe even jumping off from his version in New Frontier. It could be self-contained, either set in the 50s/60s or set in that vague, neo-50s world Cooke seems to conjure up every time he puts pencil to paper. Done-in-one stories that aren't beholden to any one continuity but could easily slide into any given time frame.

I'd make it less of a superhero book and more of a sci-fi/pulp detective serial. Explore J'onn's trials and tribulations as he tries to fit in to a world not his own. An intergalactic detective of sorts, disguised as the very humans he has little understanding of, as he works to solve bizarre mysteries in seemingly ordinary locales. An offbeat noir starring an alien shapeshifter trying desperately to make sense of a seemingly senseless world.

A mix of Spillane and a ray of Chandler, a dash of Hammett, a helping of Wells, and maybe a pinch of Dick...

At once light-hearted and brooding, comical and poignant, J'onn J'onzz has the potential to delve into the mysterious underbelly of our world and perhaps truly discover that most precious secret of all: what it means to be truly human.

That's the series I'd like to read.

"I hate your bag."

Picture this.

Crowded mid-town Manhattan sidewalk. Afternoon. It's hot.

Walking southbound is a disheveled-looking man wheeling a small, leather suitcase behind him.

Walking northbound is a dude carrying a chair on his shoulder.

Like colorful balloons in a French film, they pass.

Suddenly, unexpectedly - and without breaking stride! - the dude with the chair just kicks the man's suitcase.

BIP!

I hate your bag.

The man with the suitcase looks back, confused, thinking he ran over a bump.

The man with the chair continues walking, angrily grumbling, "Bag."

That dude must really hate luggage.


*BIP!*

"I hate your stupid bag. Bags! Aaaaaargh! Fuck that bag!" *THWACK!*

So many questions.

Was his family killed by roving bands of carry-on? Maybe he was the sole survivor of the terrible Samsonite Scourge of '99. Perhaps he just barely escaped with his life and his chair after his family, his friends, nay! - his entire village was wiped out by a rabid pack of the finest leathery travel accoutrements.

Now, carrying only his chair - the last remnant of his former life - he roams the streets of New York, like a modern day Kung Fu, seeking justice and peace.

And occasionally kicking the shit out of some guy's luggage.

FYI

Psssst.

Wanna know where you can see me tonight and next Monday night?

Monday at 8:00pm
The 45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
Between 8th and 9th Avenue

Comedy. Politics. Beer.

See you tonight.

B-b-brilliant quote o' the day

I would argue that Who Framed Roger Rabbit stands as one of the best hard-boiled film noir detective flicks of all time. Up there with The Big Sleep, The Maltese Falcon, or Chinatown.

Directed by Robert Zemeckis and written by Jeffrey Price & Peter S. Seaman. Loosely based on the novel Who Censored Roger Rabbit? by novelist Gary K. Wolf.


Of course, who could forget the movie's sultry femme fatale?

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."

-Jessica Rabbit
(Kathleen Turner)

You know you wanted to bang Jessica Rabbit.

Perv.

"From the creators of 'White Chicks'..."

INT. PENTHOUSE APT. - NIGHT

Two brothers, dressed in baggy but expensive clothes, take hits from a wacky-looking bong as they watch a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

A thick haze of smoke hangs heavy in the air.

KEENEN

Aw, shit. I love this one! This one here's where this tiny midget gangster tries to fool ol' Bugs into thinkin' he's a baby, but my man Bugs ain't havin' it, see?

SHAWN

Midget what?

KEENEN

He's like a robber, but he's a midget. Funny as hell. Baby Face Finster or some crazy shit. An' he's all actin' like he's a baby to get his goods back.

SHAWN

And Bugs believes that shit?

KEENEN

Naw, Double B turns the tables on ol' boy and -

Keenen belches a puff of smoke. The brothers laugh uncontrollably.

PAUSE

SHAWN

Oh shit. Oh shit!

KEENEN

What?

SHAWN

What if I was Bugs?

PAUSE

KEENEN

You're cut off -

SHAWN

I'm Bugs, right, and we make Marlon the midget...

The two brothers stare at each other.

Smoke swirls ominously around them.

MARLON enters, wearing a bonnet and a diaper.

MARLON

Look what I found in the attic! This shit is off-the-hook hilarious!

KEENEN and SHAWN collapse in a fit of laughter.

MARLON

I told you this shit is funny!

FADE TO BLACK

Did it really happen? You make the call!

Little Man

Baby Buggy Bunny

culture shocked?

BEIJING, July 12 -- Italian defender Marco Materazzi has for the first time acknowledged that he "insulted" French player Zinedine Zidane because he was super arrogant in the World Cup final, La Gazzetta dello Sport reported.

"I held his shirt .. for only a few seconds, he turned toward me and scoffed at me, looking at me with super arrogance, up and down: 'if you really want my shirt, you can have it later.' (Zidane said) It's true, I shot back with an insult," Tuesday's paper quoted Materazzi as saying.

Asked whether he had insulted Zidane's sister or mother, Materazzi said, it was an "insult of the kind you will hear dozens of times and that just slips out on the ground."

"I certainly didn't call him a terrorist; I am ignorant, I don't even know what an Islamic terrorist is. I certainly did not mention Zidane's mother; for me a mother is sacred.”

　(Source: Shenzhen Daily/Agencies)

For most people, the head-butt heard 'round the world was the decisive moment in France's loss to Italy. Whether Materazzi's provokation of Zidane deserved a head-butt or not...well, I've heard some excuses before, but I think Materazzi's defense has to be - by far - the most bizarre.

"I certainly didn't call him a terrorist; I am ignorant, I don't even know what an Islamic terrorist is."

You don't kow what an Islamic terrorist is? Well, I assume someone had to have told you what one is so that you could explain to us that you don't know what one is.

Actually, I like this highly-detailed, dizzying logic.

"Speeding, officer? I could not have been speeding. I am ignorant. I don't even know what a 400-horsepower, aluminum V-8 engine-powered corvette is."

"Murder? Impossible! I don't even know what a double action .38 caliber revolver is!"

"I don't blog. I do not even know what the internets is. And I certainly didn't stalk anyone on MySpace. Definitely never heard of MySpace."

Open Letter

To the shirtless guy running around the West Village last night waving the flag of Italy:

I see that you're very proud of Italy winning the World Cup, as evidenced by your ceaseless heckling of anyone wearing anything vaguely French-looking and your continued boasts of "We kicked your ass! Italy rules!!"

Being that you were roaming the streets of New York City last night - and not the downtown streets of Berlin, Germany - I can only assume that you yourself did not actually play in the championship game. Based on the intensity and personal nature of your comments - you repeatedly referred to the Italian soccer team as "we" and you seemed to take the most innocuous of activities, such as walking on the sidewalk, as an egregious personal insult to you, the Italian soccer team, and indeed, all of Italy itself - I can only surmise that you are close friends with the players or perhaps have even played for the team in the past. In which case, kudos to you on your hard-fought victory, sir!

I must also praise you for your eagle-eyed awareness, as you keenly observed that the guy wearing the blue GAP t-shirt was, indeed, silently mocking you through colorful expression. Your witty jabs at his masculinity and your insightful thoughts on the French culture truly put him in his place. He'll think twice before wearing THAT Frenchie shirt again!

I commend you for your loyalty to the sport and to the good-natured spirit of the game.

Also, I felt my eyes mist up a little as you marched down 6th Avenue, chanting: "Four more years of tears!"

Four more years of tears, indeed, good sir! Well played!

Yours in Pele,

B.

today's brilliant quote

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Another reason why...

...I heart Rocketship:

I show up randomly to pick up some new comic books and I'm treated to free beer and I meet Rosario Dawson.

Rocketship is awesome.

even more thoughts

Evil Robby Reed reviews Superman Returns. It's not pretty. But it is hilarious.

Also, it reminded me of another thing that bugged me about the flick:

They sure did love to beat the crap out of Lois Lane. She gets thrown around a falling jet plane, slammed into walls, tossed around by thugs, and finally has an iron door smack her unconscious. Someone's got unresolved anger issues against women...

Up, up, and...okay

"Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again."


These are the last lines spoken by Superman at the end of Superman II.

And then, according to Bryan Singer, some scientists see remnants of Krypton and Kal-El immediately takes off into space, in search of his long-dead planet.

Ummm....didn't you just say that you wouldn't...ah, nevermind. Already, I can see the major holes in the plot for Superman Returns.

It looks gorgeous. But in the end, it was kind of a hollow movie. A beautiful love letter to the original movies with some nice spins...but there was no sense of closure, no new thrills.

Superman Returns is all homage and set-up without any real pay-off.

I wanted to like it more. I really enjoyed a lot of it, I thought the sets and special effects were fantastic, loved the cast...but the last 1/2 hour just really disappointed me.

And the central question of the movie - "does the world need Superman?" - was never actually answered!!

I'm just gonna bullet-point the highs and lows here.

Of course there are SPOILERS below!!!

First, the positive:

* The comforting embrace of nostalgia. Singer really creates a unifying sense of Superman's fim world. From the opening credits to the John Williams music to Brando's voice, this movie really explores and expands upon Donner's original vision and beautifully captures the majesty and epic scope of those first two films. And there's just something about those perfect notes and those triumphant horns....


* Singer truly created a unique Metropolis, with its own character and charm. In the movies, Metropolis was really just New York. Superman would often fly over the Statue of Liberty and the major battle of Superman II takes place, essentially, in Times Square. But here, Singer very subtley makes his mark on the franchise, giving us a Metropolis that's its own major metropolitan city. The Daily Planet building is straight out of the comic book, with it's giant globe piercing the Metropolis skyline. The bustling streets and the skyline have their own distinct traits. Singer keeps it in sync with the originals, but he develops it more. Sure, there's the Empire State Building along the skyline, but he also incorporates bridges and buildings that look like they could only belong to one place: Metropolis. Also, cute background mention of Gotham City in a tv news report. Always nice when they throw the geeks a bone.

* Noel Neil as the old dying lady, Gertrude, at the beginning. Excellent.

* Jack Larson as the bartender. Very classy. At one point, there's a shot of him and Jimmy together...I just thought that was sweet. One of the better movie cameos. Plus, I liked this Jimmy Olsen. There was a real sense of friendship and warmth between Jimmy and Clark. Very nice.

* Kevin Spacey. His Lex Luthor is a nice evolution of Hackman's original. A little more menacing, a little more hardened, but with that same sardonic glee and wicked humor.

* I have to give credit to young Brandon Routh. He made me believe that I can believe someone else can play Superman.

* The special effects were superb. And some beautiful shots of Superman lifting heavy things or blasting them with heat vision or cooling things off with cold breath...nice use of his powers and an excellent job all around. Super.

* The movie itself looked spectacular and it just exuded a tremendous love - love of this project, of the previous films, of the characters. A respectful and thoughtful tribute to what's come before.

*Nice nod to Action Comics #1, loved the Aquaman jammies, and all the other nice little flourishes. For the fanboys.

* The last shot was a nice touch.

The not so positive...

* The big climax is that Superman fights a giant slab of earth? Okay, it was cool that he's picking up a giant slab of the earth...but...the movie then goes on for another 1/2 an hour. I mean, the plane scene was the most action-packed, and that happened in the first third of the movie. When does he hit stuff?

* They made Superman so status quo. He just does his thing. Why does the world need Superman? Because he's there. I was waiting for Lois to sum up why the world DOES need a Superman. Or for Superman to inspire people. In Superman II, when the crowd thinks the evil Kryptonians have killed the Man of Steel, they are inspired to fight back in his honor. When Superman lay dying in a hosptial (don't get me started on THAT), where were the acts of heroism inspired by the Last Son of Krypton? Where was the impact he has on people shown? Yeah, they wanted him to get better, but...why couldn't we see how Superman inspired people to be better, to do better, to make the world better?

* He was kind of selfish. I mean, Superman II was all about the repurcussions of him acting in his own self-interest. And then, apparently, he didn't learn his lesson at all...

* The kid's his. From when he slept with Lois in Superman II. Okay. Fine. But let's look at the problems, starting with the two reasons why the kid couldn't have super powers.

1. Kal-El sleeps with Lois after he gives up his powers, when he's simply a mortal man.

2. "...the lights were on out here, while he was safe...in there..." Even if his Kryptonian DNA were passed on, when Superman reverses the molecule chamber stripping the evil Kryptonians of their powers, Lois was also outside. Carrying their child, apparently. Who would have been exposed to the rays and thereby made mortal. So, there ya go.

Also, the first time he uses his powers, the kid kills a guy. Great. And it happens half way through the movie. We get the big revelation and then...that's it. If you're gonna do that, tease it a little more. Make the ending have a little more impact. Instead, the last 1/2 hour just tells us what we already know. Because you already TOLD us.

Other problems with the kid, and here's the big one:

LOIS HAS NO IDEA SHE EVER SLEPT WITH SUPERMAN! HE ERASED HER MEMORY WITH A KISS TO RELIEVE HER OF THE BURDEN OF HAVING TO SHARE HIS SECRET. So, if she got pregnant, she wouldn't know it was his. Basically, she'd just wake up pregnant one day. Aaaaaand, if Superman left, and Richard White could possibly be the dad (so she says)...she sure did get over him pretty damn fast. She would have had to sleep with him within days of Superman's disappearance (unless Superman took off for space, like, immediately after saying he would never leave again - like, THAT DAY - and if so, then he's really a dick) AND she would have to be pretty careless with the whole safe sex thing.

AND Superman never really tells her that "yeah, it could be mine, because we slept together but then I made you forget everything with my super kiss" ... WHICH MAKES THE WHOLE THING EXTRA CREEPY.

* um, the story? Where was it?

* I guess I expected a little more chemistry between Brandon and Kate.

* The script? It's overly sentimental with a lot of heavy-handed symbolism and an almost slavish devotion to the originals. Hey, I loved the first two movies. But I've seen them. I didn't need to hear all the best lines over again. And all the best lines in THIS movie were just rehashed lines from the original! I was hoping for some new material, not a poor man's imitation of the first movie...I didn't want to see Superman Redux. The script is, in the words of General Zod, "Scruffy. So morbid. A sentimental replica of a planet long since vanished."

* The criminals were never brought to justice. I never saw Superman get back at those thugs for kicking the crap out of him. Kumar and crew just get crushed by rock. Randomly. Superman never even goes after Luthor to bring him to justice?! What?! Lex and Parker Posey stranded on a desert island? How is that justice? Poetic justice, fine. But Superman's whole schtick is fighting for "Truth, JUSTICE, and the American Way." He fights for JUSTICE! He wouldn't leave it up to irony to punish Lex. I would have been fine with that scene if Lex turned around and Superman was just hovering there. "Looks like you made a bad real estate investment, Luthor." Something. HE NEVER PUNISHES LEX LUTHOR!!! No closure. And no justice.

* The Daily Planet staff is really stupid. "Hi, Clark. Haven't seen you in years. Welcome ba- Oh! Superman's back on the same day! I'm sure there's no correlation!" Sloppy.

* The whole Jesus thing? I got it. But his whole line about "every day I hear them calling out" for a savior? Eh. There's more to it than that. He's a beacon, a light to lead the way...he's not supposed to be THE WAY. Dig?

* Um, as soon as Clark hears about Lex Luthor being out of jail, wouldn't he maybe, um, try to track him down?

* The end was just a let-down. There was no "F*@% YEAH!" moment. In Superman and in Superman II, we were treated to several "F*@% YEAH" moments. Superman II alone has enough "F*@% YEAH" moments for its own movie. "General, care to step outside?" Superman kneeling before Zod, then crushing his hand and lifting him over his head as the music swells. Going back to the diner for some payback. "Oh, I've been...working out." This movie had none of that. It definitely would have benefited from a little more "ooomph" in the ending. And really, its lackluster ending made me walk out of the theater feeling kind of let down instead of jazzed up.

In conclusion: it's disappointing. There's a lot of great things in it, but it never really comes together to make it a great movie. And after seeing it, it just made me want to watch the first two movies even more. So, maybe that's the power of this movie: to make you feel really excited about seeing the old Superman movies again.

But it did look cool.

I don't normally agree with the NY Post...

Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks Kenny Boy is sipping margaritas on a tropical island somewhere off the coast.