Monday, January 24, 2005

Is that a SpongeBob in your SquarePants?

Okay. Now that you've all had ample time to discuss the story, I'm ready to throw in my 2 to 10 cents on the subject. I'd also like to point out that I find it hilarious to read the caption that simply reads: "SpongeBob lives in a pineapple under the sea." I could not sum up my feelings any better.

Is SpongeBob SquarePants subversively turning kids gay with his wacky antics and his wacko message of tolerance? I think the more important question to ask is, "Why the fuck are Christian Conservative groups cruising the kids' channels looking for hot, young homos?"

Seriously. If you're watching cartoons and you see a talking sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea and your first thought is "That sponge must love cock," you have issues. Every time some whackjob gets a chubby watching a kids' show, suddenly it's everyone else's fault. "Tinky Winky was totally hitting on me! Oh, please Lord, protect my lips from the throbbing, seductive sweetness of Tinky's winky."

Guys who go on "crusades" against fictional characters - who may or may not be gay - are the same guys who chloroform little kids like the creepy dad from "Happiness." These are the kind of guys that, if you came home early one day, you'd find them wearing leather pumps and humping their couches. Despite their holier-than-thou stances and incessant bible-thumping, these guys are really just attention whores and, yes, drama queens.

Let's hope there's a special section in hell reserved for the very specific type of poetic justice that they deserve. Preferably, in a pineapple under the sea.

Incidentally, living in a pineapple under the sea? Totally gay.