Thursday, March 29, 2007

It's not the crime, it's the cover up

What's interesting to me about this latest scandal - one which pales in comparison to, say, outing a CIA agent, for example - is that here, no one from the White House even had to lie about firing the federal judges for political reasons. They do serve at the President's discretion.

What's intriguing is, the White House DID lie about it. Which makes you wonder then, why?

Democrats viewed [Kyle Sampson's] testimony as key to finding the answers to the political question and a second, investigative query: Did Gonzales and the Justice Department provide misleading accounts of the run-up to the firings?

Like the first question, the answer to the second is yes, according to a Justice Department letter accompanying new documents released hours before Sampson's appearance.

The Justice Department admitted Wednesday that it gave senators inaccurate information about the firings and presidential political adviser Karl Rove's role in trying to secure a U.S. attorney's post in Arkansas for one of his former aides, Tim Griffin.

Justice officials acknowledged that a Feb. 23 letter to four Democratic senators erred in asserting that the department was not aware of any role Rove played in the decision to appoint Griffin to replace U.S. Attorney Bud Cummins in Little Rock, Ark.

Acting Assistant Attorney General Richard Hertling said that certain statements in last month's letter to Democratic lawmakers appeared to be "contradicted by department documents included in our production."

That admission, only hours before Sampson's testimony, took some of the sting out of Democrats' key pieces of evidence that the administration had misled Congress.

Still, Sampson provided plenty of fodder. He acknowledged planning the firings as much as two years ago with the considered, collective judgment of a number of senior Justice Department officials.

However, he denied that the firings were improper, and he spoke dismissively of Democrats' condemnation of what they call political pressure in the firings.

Sampson maintained that adherence to the priorities of the president and attorney general was a legitimate standard.

SO. Why the misleading letters, the subsequent denials, and the outright lies? Unless there's more to the story.

Clearly, given a choice between being truthful or being misleading, the White House will always errs on the side of not telling the truth.

And this isn't even one of the worst scandals at the White House. To me, it's like going after Al Capone for tax evasion.

Of course, they got Al Capone on tax evasion...

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Um, 311...seriously...?

TIME: MIDNIGHT.

Workers are jackhammering outside my window.

At midnight. On a TUESDAY night. That's a week night.

Like jackhammering the street. Made of concrete. Loudly.

Not cool, guys. Not cool.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Self Help

I just wanted to give a quick plug to a very funny comic, Jen Kirkman, and her awesome new CD, Self Help.

You've come a long way from when I first knew you back in Boston, sitting on a stool, smoking a cigarette.

Actually, I've known Jen even longer, from waaaay back in our college improv days. Oh, yeah. We all have dark pasts.

Anyway, buy her CD. Honest, raw, charming, and hilarious.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

These are the jokes - 4th week of March

Health officials said Monday that over 123,000 New York City women have quit smoking between 2002 and 2005. Or died from it. Either way, they’re not smoking anymore.

A Rhode Island woman and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9 year-old daughter to teach her about sex. And I thought it was awkward when my mom just told me about the birds and the bees…

A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. The Americans have developed a similar robot and he currently serves as the vice president.

I also wrote an alternate version:

A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. And then they kill you.


I didn't submit this particular version, but SNL did end up using a very similar punchline, except they're punchline was:
"...right before they rape you."
Moral? My earlier reservations about using "rape" as a punchline were clearly wrong. And. They're all rapists.

2 more jokes that I didn't submit this time around:

US and Panamanian authorities reported they seized more than 19 tons of cocaine from a ship in the Pacific, making what is thought to be one of the world's biggest maritime drug busts. Of course, when the ship left port, it had TWENTY tons of cocaine on it…

A new report shows that about one-third of the people in Washington DC are functionally illiterate. The other two-thirds don’t work at the White House.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

comedy. tonight.

This is where you'll find me.



SATURDAY MARCH 24th @ 10:30pm

THE KISSING BOOTH

The D-Lounge * Basement *
101 E. 15th St.
Union Square * NYC


Here is a photo of some poor child, dressed as a fluffy bunny.



Years from now, this once-child will drive cross country in a two-door pick up truck with only twenty packs of cigarettes, a jug of gasoline, a book of matches, and a Kenny Loggins cassette tape, the only thing he has left of his mother's.

He will arrive in Nevada, tired but determined. A calm sense of certainty will envelope him as he douses himself in the cleansing serenity of the gasoline and marches through the main doors of the Bunny Ranch. Mechanically, methodically, detached - he will allow a small smile to creep across his cracked lips. Finally, after all these years, he can forgive her. He will strike a match and his world will burn.

Mommies, Daddies:
Please. Don't dress your children up as bunnies.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Head, Radio

Drowning in scripts and feeling pretty intense and moody lately. It happens.

So I got Radiohead playing on shuffle in the ol' iTunes. Here are the last ten...

My Iron Lung

Faith
You're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell

I've said this to so many girls, so many times...

...maybe I have a problem.

No Surprises
Off of OK Computer, this music video is awesomely creepy and beautiful....

What's weirder than Thom Yorke? Thom Yorke's head submerged in a jar of water.

Prove Yourself
Pablo Honey is simply a great Rock N' Roll album. Solid guitar rock. No more, no less.

Airbag
Perfect way to kick off OK Computer...hints of the more experimental techno-synth-rock fusion they would explore in their later albums.

Sit Down, Stand Up (Snakes & Ladders)
This is what hippies of the future will listen to. In the future.

Stop Whispering
I really love Pablo Honey as an album. You should, too.

Black Star
Did you know that the "Black Star" is an ancient reference to the planet Saturn? It can also mean a theoretical star that has a surface escape velocity that equals or exceeds the speed of light.

Also, did you know that The Bends album is dedicated to Bill Hicks?

Karma Police
This song always reminds me of the Beatles' Sexy Sadie. Of all their songs, this one is probably the most derivative, I think. It's also damn catchy. And it has the line: "Her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill..." Sheer beauty.

Morning Bell
I know a lot of people don't dig Kid A or the more experimetal turn the band has taken of late...the music can be disjointed and jarring. But the hypnotic, rhythmic beats and fascinatingly complex arrangements and lyricism win you over. Great moody background music.

Just
My all-time favorite Radiohead song, this has long been my personal anthem. Biting lyrics, sweet riffs...and an absolutely vicious guitar solo in the middle. This is rock n' f'n roll! Plus, the video for it is kind of brilliant.




And that's why it really hurts.

"field-tested"

From the Wires.

Please note the use of the phrase "field-tested.


Anna Nicole judge cited for pot in park


A judge who had a secondary role in the recent Anna Nicole Smith proceedings was charged with smoking marijuana in a city park, police said Monday.

Lawrence Korda was smoking marijuana while sitting under a tree Sunday, police said. Three officers who were training there saw Korda and field-tested the cigarette, said Capt. Tony Rode, a police spokesman.

The judge was not arrested. He was given a misdemeanor citation to appear in court.

"Judge Korda was not given special treatment because of his status as a circuit court judge," Rode said. "He was provided with a notice to appear. That's exactly what 99 percent of other offenders would have been given for this type of offense."


Especially after they let us "field-test" their joint.

Darth Vader has a posse

If I were a Dark lord of the Sith, I would totally mess with my admirals.

All the time.



YouTube makes blogging easy!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

"No time for love, Dr. Jones"

From the wires:


Blanchett Could Be 'Indy's' Next Love

Cate Blanchett is in negotiations to star opposite Harrison Ford in the long-awaited fourth installment of the "Indiana Jones" series, her publicist confirmed Saturday.
"She is in negotiations, yes," publicist Lisa Kasteler told The Associated Press. She did not elaborate.

Filming is scheduled to begin later this year, with Steven Spielberg on board to direct. The movie is being produced by "Star Wars" creator George Lucas' Lucasfilm Ltd.

Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1984's "Temple of Doom" and 1989's "The Last Crusade."


Am I the only one hoping for Marion? I mean, she was really the only gal worthy of Indiana Jones. And at whatever age he's going to be in the movie, I kinda was hoping it would have all worked out for those two crazy kids in the end.

Also, after Princess Leia, Karen Allen was my third childhood crush. (Wonder Woman was my first, but that's a whole...different...it's a long story, we don't need to get into it...)


I'm a little torn here. I LOVE Indiana Jones. I think Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the most perfectly constructed movies ever made and one of the greatest films of all time. And as much as I want to see more Indiana Jones, do I really want to see more Indiana Jones?




Especially a new Indiana Jones movie that will come out 19 years after the last installment?


Isn't this just one more last grasp at recreating/reconnecting with nostalgia?

Oh, don't worry. I'll see it. I mean. Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford. Of course.



Good for Cate Blanchett, though.

Ya know, it's funny. She was born in 1969; Harrison Ford was born in 1942. That's a 27 year difference. Which is exactly the difference in age between the new Indiana Jones movie (2008) and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

These are the jokes - 3rd week of March


  • Lucasfilm has announced a deal to show Star Wars related films made by fans on Spike TV. Giving fans of Star Wars and Spike TV one more thing to do while not getting laid.
  • In a new book by Pope Benedict about his predecessor, he reveals that he was opposed to Bob Dylan appearing at a youth event with the late Pope John Paul in 1997 because he considered the pop star the wrong kind of “prophet.” A Jewish one.
  • During his five nation tour of Latin and Central America, President Bush took the opportunity to use a large amount of Spanish to break the ice. Spanish Fly, that is.


Aw, yeah.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

BANSHEE REMINDS YOU:


PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.



Happy St. Patrick's Day!


Original panel from Uncanny X-Men #106, pencils by Bob Brown & Dave Cockrum, inks by Tom Sutton. Unaltered panel can be found here.

Friday, March 16, 2007

"Mistakes were made."

Commenting on the Alberto Gonzales scandal, President Bush said, "He's right, mistakes were made. And I'm frankly not happy about it."

"Mainly, because they're my mistakes."

"Mistakes were made." Ah. That old chestnut.

And then there's this retraction of the latest misinformation campaign:


The White House on Friday backed off its earlier contention that then-White House Counsel Harriet Miers first raised the idea of firing U.S. attorneys — an act that led to a firestorm of criticism of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

"It has been described as her idea but ... I don't want to try to vouch for origination," said White House press secretary Tony Snow, who previously had asserted Miers was the person who came up with the idea. "At this juncture, people have hazy memories."

Snow's comments came as e-mails surfaced Thursday night pulling the White House further into the intensifying probe over the firings of eight federal prosecutors. The e-mails raised new questions about top political adviser Karl Rove's role in the dismissals, and came amid eroding GOP support for Gonzales that put his job at risk.

Snow said it was not immediately clear who first floated the more dramatic idea of firing all 93 U.S. attorneys shortly after President Bush was re-elected to a second term.

"This is as far as we can go: we know that Karl recollects Harriet having raised it and his recollection is that he dismissed it as not a good idea," Snow told reporters. "That's what we know. We don't know motivations. ... I don't think it's safe to go any further than that."

Asked if Bush himself might have suggested the firings, Snow said, "Anything's possible ... but I don't think so." He said Bush "certainly has no recollection of any such thing. I can't speak for the attorney general.

"I want you to be clear here: don't be dropping it at the president's door," Snow said.


Yeah. Don't be dropping that shit off at the president's door. Didn't you hear? The motto is the third-person passive "Mistakes Were Made," not the first-person active "The Buck Stops Here."

UPDATED
Tim McIntire sums it up best:
It's gotta be passive voice, man.

"Stopping by the buck was done at certain locations."

excess jokes

Hurm. What happens when I write more jokes than I submit? I post 'em on my blog! Whoo! Blogging! Fake content! Whoo!


Ahem. Here are some jokes I wrote this week:


  • A new study revealed Monday that nearly a third of all veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan came home with mental illness or serious behavioral problems. The rest of them got sick while being treated at Walter Reed.

  • As part of a demonstration of the benefits of a free trade deal he had trouble pushing through Congress, President Bush on Monday heaved crates of lettuce onto a loading dock in Guatemala. Unfortunately, they were all laced with e-coli.

  • A Long Island teacher, who charged that she was fired because administrators mistakenly thought she was a witch, lost her 2 million dollar lawsuit Tuesday. The judge in the case then mysteriously burst into flames.

  • Iran's cultural advisor criticized the hit movie 300, saying that the Greek vs. Persians action film is an "obvious insult" against their ancient culture and provokes animosity against Iran. Average American moviegoers responded by saying, “Iran? I thought the Spartans were just fighting random gay, black dudes.”

  • It was reported that Whitney Houston has started work on her comeback album. And by “work,” they mean “snorting coke off of.”


Here's one with a soft punchline:

A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. Sometimes, they’re just good old fashioned perverts.


If I wanted to be edgier, I suppose could've said, "Sometimes, they're just good old fashioned rapists."

But did I really want to go there? No. No, I didn't.

Some people might. Some people might go there.

And you know what we call those people? Rapists.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

more crazy

I'm on the subway the other night, on my way to a show. And I'm going over my set and working out some new bits on politics and the government. Getting the wording right. Just running through my set.


And I suddenly realize that, to everyone else on the train, I've been angrily talking to myself for three or four stops.

Ranting about Haliburton and Iraq and Scooter Libby...


I was the crazy guy ranting about the government on the subway!

That's how it begins.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

From Big Mac to Sir Mac

I know Paul McCartney has a formidable army of lawyers to help him get through his current divorce from Heather Mills.

But may I humbly suggest the addition of one more to his legal team:

The awesomely crazy, ranting guy from Mickey D's last night. This guy is good.


An excerpt, from what could be a closing argument:

"Paul McCartney has billions of dollars. And he was married to Heather Mills for, like, 3 years? And she wants half? Hell, no! Half?! You ain't earned no billion dollars! You didn't write no songs that changed the world! You weren't even born yet when he wrote them damn songs! You didn't write no Hey Jude. You didn't write no Satisfaction. Half?! Hell, no."


Gold. Pure gold.

The defense rests.


And yes, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction is a Stones' song...but he was on a roll.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Platypus Man

From Richard Jeni's family:

A statement from the family of Richard Jeni


Often times, when we are faced with a sudden and tragic loss, there is a natural curiosity – a need to know what exactly happened.

The family of Richard Jeni would like to put to rest any assumptions as to the cause of Richard’s death. Despite the fact that the coroner’s office has publicly stated that a suicide ruling will take two weeks, pending the results of an autopsy, Richard Jeni did take his own life.

Rumors have been circulating as to the cause of his death and have included speculation of Richard being depressed over the state of his career or a physical ailment. His career was not even addressed by his specialists when they were trying to diagnose Richard’s illness. In fact, he had just enjoyed one of his most financially rewarding years to date. He was consistently creating new material for his busy touring schedule, and during the last week of his life, he had meetings scheduled with Chris Albrecht, Chairman and CEO of HBO, to discuss future projects following his last HBO special. In actuality, the past few years had been more prolific than ever. As his agents can attest, prior to his illness, Richard only missed one engagement in over twenty years, and that was due to weather.

The truth is: earlier this year Richard Jeni was diagnosed with severe clinical depression coupled with bouts of psychotic paranoia. One only needs to have a family member or friend with a mental illness to understand that there is nothing rational, predictable, or fair about these diseases. Mental illness is as serious as any physical affliction and can be just as devastating.

He was not down or blue, he was ill. If you knew Richard, you could understand, this was as much a shock to those close to him, as it is to his fans and colleagues. Perhaps Richard’s passing will encourage people to have sympathy, compassion and understanding for those who are afflicted with mental illness. As we are all trying to make sense of this, take time to remember the joy and laughter Richard brought to the countless people he touched during his much too short life.

The Army Values

The are seven core Army values that every soldier is expected to live up to.

From GoArmy dot com:

Soldiers learn these values in detail during Basic Combat Training (BCT), from then on they live them every day in everything they do—whether they’re on the job or off. In short, the Seven Core Army Values listed below are what being a Soldier is all about.


Loyalty.
Duty.
Respect.
Selfless Service
Honor.
Integrity.
Personal Courage.


These are the Army values.

I carry a card in my wallet that defines each of these values. Here's the definition of Respect:


RESPECT

Treat people as they should be treated. In the Soldier’s Code, we pledge to “treat others with dignity and respect while expecting others to do the same.” Respect is what allows us to appreciate the best in other people. Respect is trusting that all people have done their jobs and fulfilled their duty. And self-respect is a vital ingredient with the Army value of respect, which results from knowing you have put forth your best effort. The Army is one team and each of us has something to contribute.


Just in case anyone was wondering what ideals the United States Army stand for.

The sound of Wakandan vibranium

The Geeks are everywhere.



Well played, Marvel. Well played.

Also, perhaps it was a Freudian slip or a syntactical error...but I prefer to think of it as sly, ironic commentary when Colbert says he will only use the shield to "fight for injustice..."

As for impressing girls, well. Captain America's shield can do many things, true believers. But if it has one weakness, impressing girls may just be it.

What can the Red, White, & Blue do for you?

Monday, March 12, 2007

who I'd like to meet

I'm just looking for a nice girl who's smart and sexy, funny, politically active, sassy...

...and knows the difference between red and green kryptonite.

Is that too much to ask for?

Captain, My Captain



Non-comic book readers, I'm not surprised. In a chaotic and contentious political climate, the "death" of a pop culture icon embodying American ideals is perfect fodder for vapid debate.

But Geeks. I'm surprised at you. No, not surprised.

Disappointed.

Must you take part in the feeding frenzy? Must you so easily be suckered in to the morbid spectacle of today's comic book blood lust? Surely you understand the mechanics of how comic books work. Over-hyped events and "shocking" twists to drive up sales and generate vigorous message board discussions...

As these events cater more and more to a rapidly shrinking fan base, I have to wonder: you must remember the last time Captain America was "killed" ... only to triumphantly return.

Or the time before that.

Or the time Steve Rogers resigned as Captain America...only to triumphantly return issues later.

Or the time before that, when Captain America fought the Red Skull to the "death." They both "died" that time...

Or that time in the 70s when Steve Rogers quit...

Or that one time, when the entire world knew that Steve Rogers was Captain America, so he very publicly faked his death to protect his secret identity. Even Nick Fury cried.

Hm. That last one there...

Anyway. Point is, these are funny books. And funny books are melodramatic, bombastic, sensationalized...an over-the-top, hyper-fictionalized world of "kick/'splode!" If you will.

The New York Times wants to run a front page story on the death of Captain America...hey, they're the suckers, not me. But we, as Geeks, shouldn't buy into that. We've already traveled these well-worn roads before and we all know where they lead.

I guess in today's culture, it's more important to mourn the fake death of a fictional icon...rather than muster up the moral outrage over true life tragedy or real world deaths.

You can't kill Captain America.

Captain America is an idea.

And, to quote V for Vendetta, "...ideas are bulletproof."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

"Funny story about how you were born..."

From the wires:

A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the costs of raising her child.

The complaint was filed by Jennifer Raper, 45, last week in Suffolk Superior Court and still must be screened by a special panel before it can proceed to trial.

Raper claimed in the three-page medical malpractice suit that she found out she was pregnant in March 2004 and decided to have an abortion for financial reasons.

Dr. Allison Bryant, a physician working for Planned Parenthood at the time, performed the procedure on April 9, 2004, but it "was not done properly, causing the plaintiff to remain pregnant," according to the complaint.

Raper then went to see Dr. Benjamin Eleonu at Boston Medical Center in July 2004, and he failed to detect the pregnancy even though she was 20 weeks pregnant at the time, the lawsuit alleges.

It was only when Raper went to the New England Medical Center emergency room for treatment of pelvic pain in late September that year that she found out she was pregnant, the suit said.

She gave birth to a daughter on Dec. 7, 2004.

She is seeking damages, including child-rearing costs.



Wow. Can't wait until that little girl starts asking about how she was born.

THAT'S going to be an awkward conversation.

Monday, March 05, 2007

idle, plug

Quick little plug for a show I'm doing tomorrow night. I'm a geek panelist on a show called Comic Book Club, which is kind of like what the Geek Council was, only specifically all about comic books. If you're in NYC and/or a geek, come check out the show. Should be a blast.

Details:


COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesdays @ 9:30 PM

March 6:
Jesse Falcon (VP of Product Development, Marvel Ent.)
Benari Poulten (Air America, Town Hall)
And Musical Guest Corn Mo!

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Check us out on MySpace:
http://www.myspace.com/comicbookclub3

The show is sponsored in part by Midtown Comics (www.midtowncomics.com)!

******************
Check it out, Comic Book Club was written up in the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/12/arts/12spar.html

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Uncle Sam Wants YOU...to rethink that slogan



Sarge: Private! Charlie's advancing. Set up that blockade, then fall back to the rear!

PVT Snuffy: Think that wall will hold, Sarge?

Sarge: It'll hold.

PVT Snuffy: I don't know if it's that strong, Sarge.

Sarge: It's strong enough. It's Army strong.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Sunday, February 25, 2007

These are the jokes - last week of February '07


Britney Spears has finally answered the question, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

Gambia's President is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. He also claims to have a pet unicorn and a magical bridge to Terabithia.

Tuesday night's episode of American Idol became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart,” to which Seacrest replied “Don't call me 'sweetheart.' I don't want that kind of relationship.” Don’t worry, though; the make-up sex was awesome.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Friday, February 23, 2007

My sister's in a show!

And you should see her. Because she's awesome.


Friday February 23rd and Saturday February 24th. 8PM.

Hunter College, Lang Recital Hall on 68th St. and Lexington.
North Building. 4th Floor.
$10


What's the show? Oh, it's, um...

The Vagina Monologues


So, yes. That's where I'll be tonight at 8. Watching my sister talk about her...um, vagina.

I can only imagine the google hits I get on that.

After, come on over to the D-Lounge and hear me say funny things into a microphone.

And no more talk about my sister's...you know.

But see the show.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Support Joe Rogan

I wrote this play recently, Taking the Bullet, about struggling stand-up comics. And, naturally, one of the central conflicts revolves around joke stealing - a subject that's been receiving some much deserved attention lately.

And, as others have pointed out, this week saw Joe Rogan confront Carlos Mencia live onstage.



God bless Joe Rogan for standing up for the integrity of hardworking, honest comics everywhere.

And what does he get for having the balls to publicly call out Ned Holness (Mencia's real name)? What does Joe get for calling Mencia a thief and liar - to his face?

Joe's asked to "take a break from the Comedy Store" and he gets dropped by his agent.

It's still about dollars and cents. Mencia has the number 2 rated show on Comedy Central, he makes a lot of money for the clubs he plays, and he has a large following. Most of whom could give a rat's ass about where he gets his material.

But for comics, this is their life, their blood, sweat, and tears. These are their laughs and as long as we sit idly by while the Carlos Mencias of the world make money off the words of other comics, we're just as much a part of the problem.

Luckily, Joe's a big enough name to weather this storm.

But we, as comedians or fans of comedy, should make an effort to stand behind Joe on this one. As he syas:

Now can you IMAGINE if I was a young, struggling comic and all this shit went down?
THAT is the really ugly part of it.
Now you know why people don't speak up about this shit.


Every comic should be talking about this right now.

Every comic should be throwing their support behind Joe. He's clearly a man who loves and appreciates the art of comedy.

If you're in LA, please support Joe. He's at the Improv tonight at 10. From Joe:

The first thing I did when I got the call, is to phone my friend Rita over at the Improv in Hollywood and ask if I could get on there this weekend. She bent over backwards to accommodate me, and gave me spots for Thursday night at 10, Friday at 8:30, and Saturday at 10. To her, and Joel over there, I say thank you very much. I truly appreciate the support.

If anyone wants to see me this weekend, that’s where I’ll be performing.

If you want to come down and show your support and have a good time, the address for and phone number for the Improv is:

323 651 5810
Hollywood Improv
8162 Melrose ave. Hollywood, CA


And if you're a fan of comedy or a comic yourself, I encourage you to stop supporting The Comedy Stop so long as they continue to support joke thieves.

Register your disappointment with them:

323-656-6225
info@comedystore.com

And please, don't watch Ned's show on Comedy Central.

This is something for comics to stand up about; this is about right and wrong.

This is about preserving the integrity of our art form.

Because, as Richard Pryor said:

"Comedy is some serious shit."

More cut than run

WHITE HOUSE TO US MILITARY: "We said we support the TROOPS...we never said anything about veterans."


Mon Feb 12, 2:00 PM

WASHINGTON - The Bush administration plans to cut funding for veterans' health care two years from now _ even as badly wounded troops returning from Iraq could overwhelm the system.

Bush is using the cuts, critics say, to help fulfill his pledge to balance the budget by 2012.

After an increase sought for next year, the Bush budget would turn current trends on their head. Even though the cost of providing medical care to veterans has been growing rapidly _ by more than 10 percent in many years _ White House budget documents assume consecutive cutbacks in 2009 and 2010 and a freeze thereafter.

The proposed cuts are unrealistic in light of recent VA budget trends _ its medical care budget has risen every year for two decades and 83 percent in the six years since Bush took office _ sowing suspicion that the White House is simply making them up to make its long-term deficit figures look better.

"Either the administration is willingly proposing massive cuts in VA health care," said Rep. Chet Edwards of Texas, chairman of the panel overseeing the VA's budget. "Or its promise of a balanced budget by 2012 is based on completely unrealistic assumptions."

Edwards said that a more realistic estimate of veterans costs is $16 billion higher than the Bush estimate for 2012.

In fact, even the White House doesn't seem serious about the numbers. It says the long-term budget numbers don't represent actual administration policies. Similar cuts assumed in earlier budgets have been reversed.


This is actually a weird one. The White House spokesperson basically says that they're proposing a cut in VA funding to create a fake balanced budget but really, they're not going to cut VA funding.

So...why say it? And why, when the budget has ballooned to massive proportions because of a WAR would you even PROPOSE cutting funds to needy veterans?

Unless you're an asshole, of course.

So let me help the Democrats out here by proposing something myself. A suggested response to this proposal, if you will.

Ahem.

An open letter to ANY politician who would suggest cutting funds to veterans, wounded or otherwise:

Dear Asshole who has suggested cutting funds to veterans, especially at a time when the VA medical care budget has risen 83% in the last 6 years,

Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

Thursday, February 15, 2007

"Get Some."

Have you seen NYC's latest public safety campaign?

MTA-themed condoms.

"New York, we've got you covered."


Considering the reliability of the MTA, not sure I'd trust these condoms.

They'd most likely break at the most inconvenient times or you'd have to wait an hour before you could use 'em. Due to "track work."

Don't even want to think about what would happen when your "A" starts running as an "F"...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Monday, February 12, 2007

More Superboy

It's Superboy vs. Gregg Allman!

I don't want to give anything away, but Gregg Allman pretty much gets his ass kicked.



And then:

Uh-oh! Metallo!




Why is Superboy always so angry?

Sunday, February 11, 2007

These are the jokes - 2nd week of February '07


A new survey shows that America's Jewish population has reached 7.4 million, far larger than previously estimated. Which roughly breaks down to: 43 percent of American Jews own the media, 31 percent own the banks, 25 percent control the weather, and all the wars in the world are started by Deborah Goldstein of Great Neck, Long Island.

FEMA has determined that nearly 70,000 Louisiana households improperly received over 300 million dollars in grants, and now they want their money back. The Louisiana residents determined that FEMA improperly responded to Hurricane Katrina and they want their houses back.

This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino. What are the odds?


**Special bonus cheap joke!!**

Former NBA star John Amaechi reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. I don't care about Amaechi's personal life, all I know is that the man sure knew how to handle a ball.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

"You can change your life..."

Perhaps you've seen the ads plastered all over the NYC subway cars:

"You can change your life by altering your thoughts."
-Eric Butterworth



Not gonna lie, first time I saw the ads, it freaked me out a bit. All I could think was:

"OH, DEAR LORD! THEY'RE TRYING TO ALTER OUR THOUGHTS!!!"


Probably not the intended reaction.

Then I find out it's some Unity Church thing.

Whew. No one's altering our thoughts.

Yet.



Eric Butterworth, eh?

Until now, I've only ever been familiar with the works of MRS. Butterworth. Didn't even realize there was a MR. Butterworth. But of course, she is a Mrs., only stands to reason there'd be a Mister...

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Tomorrow Night Comedy

Just passing on some info. Pertinent stuff in bold.

Character Dogville

Friday, February 9th at 10:00pm
Starring Town Meeting
Featuring chraacter improv by Featuring characters by Jeremiah Murphy, Laura Dillman, Ryan Stratton, Annie Dumas, Phil Wedo, Carrie Sipple and Alana Harrison
Directed by Stacy Mayer
with special guests Benari Poulten and Robin Gelfenbien
The Sage Theatre
711 7th Ave., second floor
between 47th/48th St.

N/R/W to 49th St; 1/9 to 50th St.
$10.00 at the door
FREE with Paid Admission to 8pm show
www.manhattancomedycollective.com

Work makes you free

Can we stop pretending that there's a rational debate about marriage in this country?

From the wires:

Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced a ballot measure in Washington state that would require heterosexual couples to have a child within three years or have their marriage annulled.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Space Case


[Lisa] Nowak, 43, a married mother of three who flew on a space shuttle in July, was charged with attempted murder, accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap Colleen Shipman, who she believed was romantically involved with Oefelein, a space shuttle pilot.

Specifically, police said, Nowak confronted Shipman, who was in her car at the Orlando airport, and sprayed something at her, possibly pepper spray.

At first the astronaut was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts. Then prosecutors upped the charge to attempted murder, basing it on the weapons and other items they said police had found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.


Attempted murder's a pretty serious charge. So here's how I'd defend the crazy astronaut chick:


Space Madness
.

The defense rests.

Monday, February 05, 2007

"All me want to be is...happy."

Doing some research on Bizarro - you don't need to know why - and I came across this clip from Superboy:






This show ran for three whole seasons.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

These are the jokes - 1st week of Feb.

  • Jermaine Jackson said on Monday that he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Islam responded, saying: “Hey, man. We have enough problems, as it is.”

  • On Wednesday, the day Senator Joe Biden announced his campaign for president, he caused controversy with an interview in the New York Observer in which he said that Senator Barack Obama is “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Making Joe Biden the first mainstream Caucasian-American in the race to end his Presidential Campaign.

  • A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. The breakfast will be BYOB – Bring Your Own Batter.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Taking the Bullet - reminder

Sex, drugs, and stand-up comedy.

TAKING THE BULLET
by Benari Poulten

Directed by Padraic Lillis

Sunday, February 4th
5 PM
Goldberg Theatre
721 Broadway, 7th Floor

A graduate play reading.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

things mean things

Someone's grumpy today.


Things mean things, you know. It's not all just fodder for ironic nostalgia that VH-1 will market right back at us next year.

The other event on Sunday

Um, I'm very bad at self-promotion.

But anyone who's in the NYC area on Sunday should swing by NYU and see my play reading. For totally no money at all because it's FREE.

It's a work in progress, a dark comedy about how miserable stand-up comics are. And it's set in BOSTON.

Shocking, I know.

Anyway, here's the little blurb my school sent out.


Sex, drugs, and stand-up comedy.

TAKING THE BULLET
by Benari Poulten


Directed by Padraic Lillis

Sunday, February 4th at 5 PM
Goldberg Theatre
721 Broadway, 7th Floor

Taking the Bullet is a darkly comic look into the degenerate world of struggling stand-up comedians in present day Boston, MA who learn Richard Pryor was right when he said, "Comedy is some serious shit."


Benari Poulten is a stand-up comic himself, as well as a second year graduate student currently pursuing an MFA in the Department of Dramatic Writing at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts.

Padraic Lillis has worked as a director on Broadway, national tours, and for three Tony Award winning regional theaters and major universities, most recently directing the critically acclaimed play The Dirty Talk by Michael Puzzo at New York's Center Stage.

Monday, January 29, 2007

DC tease - the return of...?

I dunno. Maybe it's just me.



The big teaser image from DC?

Looks like the characters are just stuck on over the background.

Maybe the big reveal is that DC is bringing back...












COLORFORMS!


Wouldn't be the first time.

"Don't you mean...bizarro post?"

No jokes this week.

So, instead, I give you one of my all time favorite episodes of Sealab 2021:




Bizarro, I love you, bizarro.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Support funny comics I know

Friend and fellow comic Dean Obeidallah has a new show on Comedy Central's website that's worth checking out.

Dean explains what it's all about in a recent interview:

I created the show with my friend Max Brooks, who is an Emmy Award-winning award winning comedy writer, in the hopes of showing our fellow Americans a funny, positive side of Middle Eastern-Americans. Also, many of the comedians in the show are not only Middle Eastern, but Muslim as well, and I especially think its important that people see Muslim-Americans not playing terrorists like on "24" or "Sleeper Cell". We want to prove to everyone who watches it that Arabs, Iranians, (and Arab/Iranian Muslims) can be funny.

At this point, Comedy Central is very happy with the content and the media attention. (The show was featured in Newsweek, AP and Reuters, to name a few.) They are actually considering a TV pilot for The Watch List so I hope everyone goes to comedycentral.com, or our My Space page, and downloads the show – a lot!


You may recognize some other folks involved like Maz Jobrani from ABC's new sit-com The Knights of Prosperity.

So, nu? Go watch The Watch List now.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

"I love it when a plan comes together."

One thing jumped out at me in the President's 2007 State of the Union...


"A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps. Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. And it would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time."



I'm pretty sure there's a term for "civilians with critical skills" serving "on missions abroad when America needs them." They're called SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE.

Mercenaries, carrying out military objectives without being subject to military law, military regulations, military oversight, or UCMJ - the uniform code of military justice.

Or "quaint" documents like the Geneva Conventions.

Of course, they'd probably be dudes convicted of a crime they didn't commit.

I half expected the President to continue his speech with:

"We need a corps of civilians with critical skills to serve on special missions. Like, a special team. Of A-list quality...an A-Team, if you will. And, say, one of 'em could be real gruff and maybe smoke a cigar. And another guy , he'd be real good with the ladies, real smooth, he can getcha stuff. And the other guy, he'd be like, just a crazy fella...but he can fly choppers. And the other guy is black. With a Mohawk and chains. And he's mean. And he hates flyin'. Hates it! And they'd drive around in a van. And then, if America had a problem, and no one else could help, and we could find them, we could call...the A-Team."


So there you have it. The President's real plan for Iraq. He's going to call in the A-Team.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Anatomy of a good set

On Friday, I was thrown up onstage at the last minute for a stand-up set. I was just hanging out at the show, had no intention of doing a set, but when asked if I would take the bullet, I said, "Yeah." Forget the fact that I had blown out my vocal chords two days earlier and sounded like Froggy from Our Gang.

And what happened?

I had a great set. Loose, relaxed, fun...

Probably one of the best recent sets I've had since...well, since the last time I was unexpectedly thrown up onstage. For some reason, when I'm not prepared for it, I'm totally in the zone. Buddy Ross reminded me that the first time I ever did stand-up, I was thrown up unexpectedly. Props to the man responsible, who despite his faulty recollection, DID indeed liquor me up.

Maybe that has a lot to do with it. But for whatever reason, I seem to have an excellent track record with unexpected spots. So, in the future, I'm just going to act as if all my sets are unscheduled and unplanned. We'll see how that goes.

Side bar:

An adorable, hot blonde sat at one of the tables. After the show, as she left, she stopped, looked me up and down, and then bluntly stated:

"You're not that short."

Best. Non-flattering, almost-backhanded compliment. EVER.

I'm gonna marry that girl. Now I just need to find out what her name is.

Stand By Your Jokes

A rather tame week for jokes from me, but as someone once told me, never apologize for your work. So I'm not. These are my jokes and I'm stickin' by 'em.

He said, apologetically...

I'm even giving you four this time, instead of the usual three. Oooooooh....

  • OJ Simpson is saying that the chapter from his unpublished book "If I Did It," in which he hypothesizes on how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend, was created mostly from a ghostwriter's research and is not a confession. It’s more like a memoir.

  • In an interview on PBS, President Bush commented Tuesday on the Iraqi government's botched hangings of Saddam Hussein and two of his top aides saying, “It just goes to show that this is a government that has still got some maturation to do.” He added, “This doesn’t make the Iraqi government look so great, either.”

  • DEA agents said Tuesday that they have dismantled a Colombian heroin ring by arresting several couriers who stitched packets of drugs into their pants and then took cruise ships to the US. Stitched pants? Cruise ships? Back in my day, we had it tough, shoving heroin-filled balloons up our asses, sneaking across the border in the back of sweltering, cramped trucks, fighting off the militia! Lazy kids…

  • A Manhattan antiques dealer is suing three homeless men and a woman for 1 million dollars for sleeping, drinking and "performing bodily functions" outside his posh Madison Ave. store. He would have sued their pants off, had they been wearing any.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

"May the Force be with you...and your children."

Oh, yes. Life Day. When Art Carney goofs around with Imperial commanders, Bea Arthur belts out tunes in the Cantina, and Harvey Korman in drag teaches Wookies how to cook.

Life Day. When a heavily make-up'ed Mark Hamill sends season's greeting via an old TV and a heavily drugged-out Carrie Fischer sings.

You can tell how early in Harrison Ford's career this was, since he actually agreed to do this. He was probably paid in pot.

I remember being utterly confused by this as a kid. How could I be watching Wookies and it wasn't awesome? And why was Chewbacca's family obviously on welfare?

Thanks to YouTube, here's a 5-minute highlight reel.



And here's possibly the geekiest first appearance ever, in its entirety. Just remember, he's the BEST bounty hunter in the galaxy. Full disclosure, I kind of like this cartoon. There's something soothingly nostalgic about it. In all the right ways.



Interestingly enough, nothing in the cartoon actually nullifies or contradicts the continuity of the original trilogy. A feat the prequels couldn't manage to pull off...

Monday, January 15, 2007

hilarity ensues

Come on. Ahnuld presents at the Golden Globes and who does he get to announce as the winner of Best Picture?

Babel.

How apropos.

who was the traget demographic for this?

Yet another example of TV producers transforming popular shows into nearly incomprehensible cartoon versions.

EXEC 1: How can we make Gilligan's Island more annoying?

EXEC 2: Let's make 'em cartoon characters.

EXEC 3: But we need a hook! Something that'll really grab kids!

EXEC 2: Kids love Star Wars...

EXEC 3: That's it! We'll shoot 'em into outer space!

EXEC 1: That's so crazy, it just...might...work.


If the creators had given it any thought, I'm sure they would have called the unnamed space ship that carried the castaways from the uncharted island to an uncharted planet the Star Ship Minnow.

Return of the jokes

3 a week. I'll post 'em Sunday or Monday.

Premise lines provided to me. Punchlines provided by me.




According to a new study, 74 percent of kids aged 13 to 18 say that money makes them happy. The remaining 26 percent were labeled Commies and shipped off to Guantanamo for further study.

In a prime-time address to the nation Wednesday, President Bush warned that although he is sending over 21,000 more American troops to Iraq, the insurgents will make this coming year “bloody and violent.” He added, “And if they don’t, we sure as heck will.”

After Britney Spears landed at the top of Mr. Blackwell’s Worst-Dressed List, Britney’s stylist has been telling people that she's not responsible for the pop star’s current look. She suggested Britney just get it trimmed.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

two actual conversations from over the holidays

Below are conversations real people actually had with me.

*Names have been changed to protect me.

Conversation #1

Guy: Have I got the perfect girl for you. She's fantastic. (to his wife) Honey, isn't Suzie Suzeman* perfect for Benari?

Wife: Too tall.

Guy: Oh, yeah. She's much taller than you.

Wife: Never work.


Conversation #2

Lady: Why don't you just use rogaine?



Why no, I don't have a complex. Why do you ask?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

plug

Tuesday, January 9th, 8:30 PM

Morrison Motel @ Cornelia Street Cafe
An intimate encounter with intelligent and alternative comedy.


Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia Street, between Bleecker and West 4th.

A,C,E,B,D,F & V trains to West 4th. 1 train to Christopher St.

(212) 989-9319 for reservations. 8:30 pm. $5 cover, $6 drink minimum.

John Morrison hosts
Todd Barry, Allison Castillo, Susan Prekel, Pat Dixon, Grant Cooper, Pat Galante
&
Benari Poulten

Space Diamonds

Trekkie hearts across the galaxy just stopped.

If you’re looking for a space-age way to propose marriage, a black-diamond ring might be the way to go.

Long baffled by their origin, scientists now have evidence that these charcoal-colored gems formed in outer space.


Can green, red, gold, and blue kryptonite be far behind?

Children of Men

Go see it. Now.

That is all.

Monday, January 08, 2007

6 word fiction

I know I'm late to the 6-word-fiction party, but getting onto the plane last night, I saw something and I was suddenly struck with a very, very short story. So, here's my humble (yet late) contribution.


Shedding her last tear, she left.

Respect Monkeys.

Capeless Crusader Kevin Church wants you to stop primate discrimination. Now.

Super Spy Rex Mantooth gently reminds you:

Respect Monkeys.

Friday, January 05, 2007

TiVo'd

TiVo.

It's awesome.

Although, it does freak me out a bit that it records things that it thinks I might like. It doesn't really know me that well yet, so the machine just guesses. I'm kind of nervous about what it's going to think of me when it actually knows my viewing habits.

Yes. The machine thinks.

And it tapes shows for me as suggestions.

But why would it think I'd like Girlfriends? Maybe it's because my sister got me the TiVo.

It's like it knows.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

wonderful life?

It's A Wonderful Life is one of my all-time favorite movies. Love it. I can't get enough of its jingoistic propaganda, its spirited populism, its earnest faith, and its sentimental charm.

I just adore the film.


But. The thing that always pulls me out of the movie - albeit briefly - is the unintentional hilarity of George discovering Mary's fate. Like she wouldn't have just married Sam "Hee Haw" Wainwright and lived unhappily ever after as a housewife while Sam banged a lot of underage secretaries on business trips to Europe...

After being shown how badly everything's gone without him, after seeing the despair and hopelessness, after discovering that his brother's dead and that every man on the transport died - a transport filled with men that may have very well won World War II itself! - we learn that the worst thing that could possibly happen, the one thing that finally convinces George to live: it's Mary's fate. Mary has become...

an old maid.

She's working as a mannish-looking librarian. Noooooo! Women are reading! Take me back, Clarence! I need to save Mary from a life of books and lesbianism! Take me back! I want to live!

And then I'm back to weeping like a child at the triumph and generosity of the human spirit. Well played, Capra. Well played.

I also noticed something this past Christmas...

At the beginning of the movie.

When the Heavenly hosts are discussing who they should send to help poor George Bailey, they decide to send Clarence, an Angel: Second Class trying to earn his wings. And why hasn't ol' Clarence gotten his wings yet?


"Because, you know, sir, he's got the I.Q. of a rabbit..."


"Yes, but he's got the faith of a child..."

Of course, Clarence has faith - he lives in Heaven. With God and angels and twinkly stars. Even someone with the I.Q. of a rabbit would have faith -

Wait. I.Q. of a rabbit? Clarence has the I.Q. of a rabbit?! THIS is going to be George's guardian angel?! As if George's life hasn't been insulting enough, Heaven is sending JoJo the Half-Wit to save him?

See, people - Capra was more cynical than you thought. Why was George's life so miserable? Simple.

God hates him.

Why else would the Almighty send an idiot clockmaker as George Bailey's last hope?

One could make the argument that George - with the help of Clarence - overcomes the cruelty of a wicked God to discover the innate goodness of humanity.

Either that, or Capra was just being a dick.

No wonder the FBI thought it was subversive.

"Teacher says, 'Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.'"

"What's teacher doing talking about angels in school?!"


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

What Would Batman Do?

This.


A Good Samaritan jumped onto the tracks at a Manhattanville subway station at 137th Street and Broadway Tuesday afternoon to save the life of a stranger who had fallen after having an apparent seizure.

The man stumbled off the platform onto the tracks, where he could have been killed if not for the heroic efforts of 50-year-old Wesley Autrey who did the unthinkable, jumping onto the tracks with a train approaching.

"He was stuck and I was like, 'Wow. Do I struggle here?' If I got him up, then I would have to go for the ground. And I didn't have that much time. So I just went for the gutter thing," said Autrey. "I just dove on top of him and held him down, cause I knew there would be enough clearance for us."

Autrey, a construction worker who lives in the neighborhood, grabbed the man and pinned him down in the gutter between the running rails while a downtown Number 1 train passed overhead, miraculously leaving both men without a scratch.

"I had to have the guy pinned down, because like I said, he was in a seizure," said Autrey. "He was incoherent. He was fighting, pushing and pushing against me. So I had to lock myself down, so he wouldn't push me back, and possibly my head get hit."

Autrey's two young daughters, ages four and six, who were with him at the time of the incident, watched in horror while the situation unfolded. When the train finally came to a stop, Autrey called out to them to let them know he was alive.

Autrey guessed there was maybe an inch or inch and a half clearance between his head and the underside of the train.

"Remember, the gutter maybe got like a 12-inch drop. So his body fitted in there perfectly. And I just laid on top of him, and had to pin him down," he said.

The man Autrey saved, 20-year-old film student Cameron Hollopeter, was taken to St. Luke's hospital as a precautionary measure, where he is listed in stable condition. He is expected to be recover.

When asked if he considers himself a hero, Autrey said absolutely not. He said he was just doing what he thinks anyone else would do.

"No, I don't consider myself a hero," he said. "I just went to someone's aid. Someone who was in need of help."




Via Kyria.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Super Pup

One gift I got that's kept on giving: The Superman Ultimate Collector's Edition.

14 discs of Super awesomeness, jam packed with movies, pilots, cartoons, documentaries, interviews, deleted scenes and so much more.

Included on one of the 14 discs: the rarely-seen, never-sold pilot for The Adventures of Super Pup! Intended as a potential kids' series, it stars midgets wearing dog costumes dressed up as characters from Superman. It's shot on The Adventures of Superman set and it incorporates ample amounts of stock studio footage - including film of the Atomic bomb test at Alamogordo!

It's a brilliant curiosity, not even a finished product: half-way through, the show switches from color to black-and-white. I'm guessing that when it was pitched to sponsors, no one even noticed...I'd be surprised if they made it past the opening credits.

Inexplicably, Jimmy Olsen is replaced by a sock puppet mouse who narrates the thing, adding - ahem - comic relief, I guess. At one point, as the villains race away in a get-away car totally different from the one in the previous scene, the scratchy-voiced rat pops up to provide an explanation for the discrepancy. How meta. How very Stan Lee....hmmm. Come to think of it, the newspaper Bark Bent works for is called the Daily Bugle. I wonder...

Most interesting, it seems to anticipate one of my favorite cartoons, Underdog, proving that things that are creepy and surreal work perfectly fine in a cartoon. It also shows how poorly the producers dealt with the untimely death of George Reeves.

Here's a clip from a recent documentary - also included in this DVD collection - narrated by Kevin Spacey.

Monday, January 01, 2007

the year of clones and roses




George Lucas, the mastermind behind the "Star Wars" and "Indiana Jones" sagas, can add another credit to his illustrious resume: Rose Parade grand marshal.

For a man accustomed to working behind the camera lens, Lucas embraces his latest challenge as the public face of the 118th annual Tournament of Roses on New Year's Day.

"There's nothing like being a grand marshal. It's a completely unique experience," said Lucas.

HNY

"Another year over
A new one just begun."

Sunday, December 31, 2006

should old acquaintance be forgot...






Image courtesy of the GCD.

my friends are comedians

Just wanted to point y'all over to the latest issue of The Comedians, in which four of my friends happen to be featured.

Four completely different styles, four vastly different perspectives, and so funny they make me jealous on a regular basis.

Baron Vaughn: An amazingly energetic and thoughtful performer. He will beatbox his way into your heart.
Ophira Eisenberg: the Vanilla Mistress with a heart of gold. And darkness.
Todd Levin: Finally. A funny Jew.

Tim McIntire: the guy who threw me up onstage for my first stand-up set. After getting me plastered. A real comic's comic.

Go. Read. Learn. Laugh.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

A few quick things I learned over the holidays

  • Everyone loves babies.
  • Everyone wanted a GPS this year, apparently.
  • Every radio station in Massachusetts plays some version of Winter Wonderland every third song.

  • It is actually possible to watch Road House too many times.

Friday, December 29, 2006

winter of no content

Aaaaaand....

...we're back.

How've you been? You look well. Did you lose weight? Seriously. You look good.

No shows to pimp right now and between real life and some grad school burn out, posting's been light.

But I am alive and well. And I will make with the rambling again.

Kether.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

retiring a joke

So, waaaay back in the halcyon days of 2000, a young-ish governor from Texas ran for President. And, as a young up-and-coming stand-up comic in Boston with a penchant for politics, I wrote a good number of jokes about then-candidate Bush.

I still do one of 'em, which likens W to Roscoe P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard.

Of course, if you do a joke for a lot of years and you never make it onto the TeeVee, well, you run the risk of someone else getting there first with a similar joke.

And after 6 years, it's finally happened. At least it's one of my favorite comics, Patton Oswalt. It's a different joke, but similar enough that I think it's time to retire my bit. It was a good run.

Luckily, Patton's bit is hilarious. Jumping the General Lee over the bill of rights? Awesome.

Below, you'll find the Patton clip from Comedy Central.

And after all these years, I'm finally crossing "Roscoe P. Coltrane" off my set list. Good bye, old friend.

If I played it...

...here's how I'd play it.

And play it. And play it...

Peter Boyle

I will always love him for being in one of the funniest scenes EVER put on film.

Easily one of my top 5 favorite screen moments of all time.




UPDATED:

Noah mourns his passing in the same way!!

Geekgasm

Attention Kevin:

Tricia Helfer redefines "skinjob" in next month's Playboy!

NSFW.

On a related note, the geekiest thing I did this week was to try to get tickets to tomorrow's free screening of Battlestar Galactica's mid-season finale on the big screen at the Sunshine Cinema in NYC.

I failed. My geek-fu is weak these days.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

These are the jokes - the end is nigh

As the semester draws to a frightening close, here's the latest batch for the ol' joke packet.

Looking at the jokes now, it was kind of a dark week. And it's only Tuesday.

Punchlines in bold. Some restrictions apply. Mileage may vary.

Iran is hosting a two-day international conference dubbed “Study of the Holocaust: A Global Perspective,” an "impartial discussion of whether the Holocaust actually happened." This will be followed by Iran’s international conference on the Sun, entitled “Cancer Raygun of the Jews.”

Outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Iraq to bid farewell to the troops, saying he thought the military should stay in Iraq for the long haul, even though he was going home. The troops thought it might be better the other way around.

Senator Barack Obama made a huge splash in his first visit to New Hampshire and fueled talk of a 2008 Presidential run, with one man gushing, “I think his message of hope and optimism is exciting people.” The man added, “Too bad he’s black.”

An official report has revealed that the U.S. Secret Service was secretly bugging Princess Diana's phone, but that the secretly recorded conversations shed no new light on Diana's death. They do, however, shed light on the fact that Diana liked phone sex. A lot.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Richard Pryor (Dec. 1, 1940 - Dec. 10, 2005)

"When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, 'Richard, what do you see?' I said, 'I see all types of people.' The voice said, 'But do you see any n*gg*rs?' I said, 'No.' It said, 'Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any.'"
- Richard Pryor
Live on the Sunset Strip




*yeah, I used asteriks - I don't feel like getting hits by folks searching for the word.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Been a while

Oh. Hello. I didn't see you there.

So much I'd love to rant and rave about, but funny thing about graduate school...it's kind of time consuming.

As things slow down, I'll have more time to ramble. Until then, here are more jokes for the packet. Punchlines in bold. Special bonus visual aide!




Current U.N. Ambassador John Bolton has announced he will step down after his temporary appointment ends this year. Bolton’s supporters fear this now leaves the U.N. without proper porn ‘stache representation.





At a Phoenix airport, security guards are testing a controversial new x-ray device that reveals what people look like underneath all of their clothes. Officials are calling the device “The Britney.”

In a recent interview, Mel Gibson defended Michael Richards’ racial tirade by blaming it all on stress. Stress caused by the Jews.

Faced with public discontent, Wal-Mart has developed a wide-ranging new program intended to show that it appreciates its 1.3 million workers in the United States. As part of the new program, employees who work more than 40 hours a week will be allowed to live.

In Kansas, a gun-toting thief who tried to steal a pair of stereo speakers in broad daylight accidentally shot off one of his testicles. Armed robbery in broad daylight? That crook has ball.