INSTANT CLASSIC - tonight!

THIS WEEK:

DJ HAZARD!

OPHIRA EISENBERG!

SUSAN PREKEL!

MAX SILVESTRI!

Special guest appearance by Michael Mattera!

You should see it. It will be funny.

POST, NY

Heyoooo! I have arrived. I have mocked a celebrity in print. In the New York Post.

Go out and grab a copy, turn to page 43 and you can see my devastatingly hilarious quip about Paris Hilton reading the Bible.

Or click here and enjoy it online. You'll see a picture of Paris in the little TV bubble on the right. Click the "next" button twice to see my quote - it's a pull quote!

What the heck. Here's the article for your reading entertainment:

MISSIONARY POSITIONS

By MANDY STADTMILLER

May 24, 2007 -- OMG, the Bible is totally hard!

Yes, one can imagine these delightful little words appearing in a delightful little thought bubble above Paris Hilton's delightful little head as she aches and strains to understand why that super-skank Eve would act like such a complete and utter bitch at the dawn of time!

And that snake? I mean, what. Is he hot? Is he not hot?

Will her brain actually explode?

Don't fret, Paris. We've enlisted the mental power of an Ark's worth (see the book of Genesis - no, not "Lamb Lies Down," but nice reference, sweetie!) of scholarly, well-read New York stand-up comedians to help you quickly understand your new favorite must-read.

Oh, don't you know? Paris Hilton, who is heading to jail on June 5 for violating probation, was spotted earlier this week carrying both the New Age Oprah-endorsed "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and a thick, totally-not-showing-off-at-all copy of the Holy Bible (wonder if she found it in a Hilton Express?).

Read away, girlfriend - just think of this as a CliffsNotes version of the Good Book put together especially for you!

"As Moses learned in the Old Testament, sometimes a Burning Bush can be the voice of God. So be nicer to Lindsay Lohan."
- Alex Blagg

"Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Bible.

'Putyourbodonme' is how babies are made. Be careful, honey."
- Michelle Collins

"Just like the story of Jonah, God is punishing Paris. Only difference is that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and Paris just swallows ... Heyo!"
- Nick Kroll

"And God created the earth in seven days and on the seventh day, while he rested, he created the miracle of Valtrex."
- Colette Hawley

"Rich fool. Luke 12:15-21. That's enough; even Paris can understand that."
- Caroline Waxler

"The Bible teaches us that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him to fish, then he eats for a lifetime. The lesson here is: When the inmates ask you for a cigarette, it is best to teach her to roll her own. And if that doesn't work, buy Big Shirley a car."
- Jackie Clarke

"When the Lord is a drinking buddy, you don't have to worry about getting stopped by the cops."
- Chuck Nice

"I think, considering Paris Hilton's history of behavior, she should read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in prison. If nothing else, it will provide her with a lot of great party tips for her welcome home celebration."
- Todd Levin

" 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.' Matthew 7:12. Good to keep in mind for those steamy prisonshowers!"
- Molly Reisner

"I think God was really directing this Revelation verse at you, Paris: 'Let the wicked still act wickedly, and the filthy still be filthy.' It seems clear to me that her existence signifies the end of the world."
- Lang Fisher

"A lesson for Paris. You can find a Bible in every hotel room, but nobody wants to keep it . . . Remind her of anyone?"
- Allison Castillo

"Tell her: Learn to read."
- Eric Andre

Thanks Mandy!

These are the jokes - 3rd week of May

According to financial records released Tuesday, Dick Cheney has assets valued at 21 million to 100 million dollars. And that’s just for his robot parts.

While speaking on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf, Vice President Dick Cheney warned that the US was prepared to use its naval power to keep Iran from disrupting oil routes or "gaining nuclear weapons." He added, “Not while I’m aboard, of course.”

The New York Police Department is deploying 10 Segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and in parks. Because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of criminals like a cop on a scooter.

INSTANT CLASSIC

And now, a word from me:

Hello people I know. Long time. Listen:

Comedian James Patterson and I have started a new comedy show.
Because that's EXACTLY what New York City needs right now.
And we'd like you to join us for our very first show ever. Tonight.

Oh, you need more details?

Wednesday, May 16th
9PM
INSTANT CLASSIC
The Tank @ C:U
Downstairs
279 Church Street
(between Franklin & White)
NYC
$5!

I mean, not only will you get to see the charmingly witty Benari Poulten (that's me!) and James Patterson (that's him!) but we'll also throw in:

The Amazing Allison Castillo!
The Incredible Tom McCaffrey!
The Fantastic Dan Newbower!
And the Spectacular Baron Vaughn!

Folks, there aren't enough exclamation points in the world to convey just how hilarious these comics are.

Plus, lots of cheap booze.

So come on out and see the new comedy show from the guy ranked #35 on Mo Diggs' Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians!

Also, comics can get in free.

Please spread the word! Thanks.

I love you all.

And lo, there shall be a show

And it shall be an INSTANT CLASSIC.

This WEDNESDAY!
MAY 16th!
9PM!
At the The Tank @ C:U!
Downstairs!
279 Church Street! NYC!

Only 5 bucks. And lots of cheap booze. And LOLz. And whatever else it is you kids say. Hosted by ME! And James Patterson. But mostly by me.

Featuring:

*Allison Castillo*
*Tom McCaffrey*
*Dan Newbower*
*Baron Vaughn*

That is a lot of hilarity on one show. For only 5 bucks. You know you want to go.

But don't just do it for me. Do it for Doggie Princess Leia.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope..."

These are the jokes - 2nd week of May

Bowing to wide-spread criticism, Hamas on Wednesday canceled its children's show "Tomorrow's Pioneers," which featured a Mickey Mouse-type character named Farfur that preached hate for America and Israel. Other characters would have included the lovably short-tempered Jihad Duck and the wacky suicide-bomber dog Kablooey.

NASA astronomers Monday reported the biggest and brightest star explosion ever recorded….when Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days of jail! SNAP!

The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville, Kentucky said he asked OJ Simpson to leave his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby because he is sickened by the attention Simpson still attracts. And because he’s a murderer.

after today...

I will have yet another useless degree. This time, a Master of Fine Arts. In Dramatic Writing. With a Concentration in Film and TV.

With all that money spent on learning to write, you'd think this blog would be better written.

These are the jokes - 3rd week of April

• A law protecting library records' confidentiality has prevented police from prosecuting a man who reportedly masturbated among the books because the law prevents the library from turning over surveillance video to the police without a court order. Which is great news for me.

• As part of a 12 item self-improvement list given to Beijing cab drivers in preparation for next year's Olympic games, red hair and big earrings are being banned for women cab drivers. Which comes as a devastating blow to Kathy Griffin’s dream of becoming a Beijing cab driver.

• OK! Magazine this week featured the first pictures of Larry Birkhead with his daughter, Winning Lottery Ticket.

These are the jokes - last week's news

And we're back.

Here are last week's jokes:

• This week, the Chinese government announced that there will be over 6000 hospital beds available during the 2008 Olympic Games just in case there is a bird-flu or SARS outbreak. They added, “Not that we’re planning anything…”

• A New York City cab driver is driving a Queens couple in his cab over 2500 miles from New York to Arizona this week. But he still won’t take Danny Glover to Brooklyn.

• Joe Francis, the founder of "Girls Gone Wild," surrendered to federal marshals early Tuesday to face a contempt of court citation after initially defying a federal judge. Apparently, he refused to show the judge his tits.

Now, a word from our sponsors.

cut, paste, laugh

Good friend and comic legend DJ Hazard has a nice interview over at Gothamist.

Here's a taste, a trip down Boston memory lane:

The Ding Ho was a crappy, moldy, dark and dank Western motif cowboy saloon/restaurant that was bought by Chinese restaurant guys. They didn't bother changing the decor. It was also the setting for one of the wildest periods in the history of comedy anywhere. Barry Crimmins, now one of the leading political satirists/activists in the country, talked the owner into turning the front room into a comedy club. A few weeks later, I had been doing some open mikes and Barry and I hit it off. He took me on as his assistant manager and as one of the house emcees.

A typical night? There was no lineup, other than who wanted to go where. Everybody was a headliner. Half the people on the show might be Bobcat Goldthwait, Paula Poundstone, Denis Leary and/or Steven Wright. The other half were people who were headliners at the time but never got famous or quit or whatever.

The show went forever. This was before we decided to have two or three shows a night, turning over the room. We would take an intermission and play this crappy transistor radio into the mike. Prior to that, we had a jukebox and fired that up at intermission. Then ASCAP or EMI or BMI or whoever shows up wanting royalties showed up wanting royalties. So, we got rid of the jukebox. It took up too much space anyway. I mean, people where hanging from the rafters every night.

Lenny Clarke might be the host in this quintessential typical night. He always went on stage with a boom box set on record, because he never knew what was going to happen or what he was going to say. In years to come, his 'polished' material...his body of work... was all stuff that he made up on stage at one time or another.

Lotsa booze. Yes, lotsa drugs. What happened when the show was over? More booze and drugs while we figured out who was hooking up with who that night. Since this is an 'every night' scenario... there might even have been be a fight. The owners and kitchen guys would leave. We had keys. We pulled down the shades and partied for most the rest of the night.

To Serve Manatee

I never really understood why we named that sketch Serve the Whales. I mean, the sketch was about cooking manatees, not whales. Just another reason why they all should have listened to me! But what did I know then? I was only 19.

Back then, I merely thought I was right. Now I KNOW I was.

You see, years ago, before you were born, I was in a Boston sketch group called thank gladys. And we wrote sketches. Some good, some great, and a lot...um, a lot that would be best forgotten to the winds of time. Seriously. I mean, one time, I was dressed as a pirate and...let's just not talk about it. Okay?

Occasionally, a news story will jog my failing memory and I think back to those halcyon days of yesteryear. This morning, one such news story brought it all back to me:

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service might reclassify the manatee as threatened instead of endangered, a move suggesting the marine mammal has rebounded from the brink of extinction, according to an internal memo obtained by The Washington Post.

The March 26 memo says Florida manatees are showing positive growth and adult survival rates, the Post reported Monday.

The agency plans to say that the manatee "no longer meets the definition of an endangered species," according to the memo, which was sent to the White House.

"Zee manatee, gentle giant of the sea. She must be saved, no? So today, we cook her up and eat her!"*

Sometimes, I think I'm only writing these entries for one person. And I am.

*Edited because Ross actually remembered the line. But I'm still right about the title of the sketch.

Um, 311...seriously...?

TIME: MIDNIGHT.

Workers are jackhammering outside my window.

At midnight. On a TUESDAY night. That's a week night.

Like jackhammering the street. Made of concrete. Loudly.

Not cool, guys. Not cool.

These are the jokes - 4th week of March

Health officials said Monday that over 123,000 New York City women have quit smoking between 2002 and 2005. Or died from it. Either way, they’re not smoking anymore.

A Rhode Island woman and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9 year-old daughter to teach her about sex. And I thought it was awkward when my mom just told me about the birds and the bees…

A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. The Americans have developed a similar robot and he currently serves as the vice president.

I also wrote an alternate version:

A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. And then they kill you.

I didn't submit this particular version, but SNL did end up using a very similar punchline, except they're punchline was:
"...right before they rape you."
Moral? My earlier reservations about using "rape" as a punchline were clearly wrong. And. They're all rapists.

2 more jokes that I didn't submit this time around:

US and Panamanian authorities reported they seized more than 19 tons of cocaine from a ship in the Pacific, making what is thought to be one of the world's biggest maritime drug busts. Of course, when the ship left port, it had TWENTY tons of cocaine on it…

A new report shows that about one-third of the people in Washington DC are functionally illiterate. The other two-thirds don’t work at the White House.

comedy. tonight.

This is where you'll find me.

SATURDAY MARCH 24th @ 10:30pm

THE KISSING BOOTH

The D-Lounge * Basement *
101 E. 15th St.
Union Square * NYC

Here is a photo of some poor child, dressed as a fluffy bunny.



Years from now, this once-child will drive cross country in a two-door pick up truck with only twenty packs of cigarettes, a jug of gasoline, a book of matches, and a Kenny Loggins cassette tape, the only thing he has left of his mother's.

He will arrive in Nevada, tired but determined. A calm sense of certainty will envelope him as he douses himself in the cleansing serenity of the gasoline and marches through the main doors of the Bunny Ranch. Mechanically, methodically, detached - he will allow a small smile to creep across his cracked lips. Finally, after all these years, he can forgive her. He will strike a match and his world will burn.

Mommies, Daddies:
Please. Don't dress your children up as bunnies.

Head, Radio

Drowning in scripts and feeling pretty intense and moody lately. It happens.

So I got Radiohead playing on shuffle in the ol' iTunes. Here are the last ten...

My Iron Lung

Faith
You're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell

I've said this to so many girls, so many times...

...maybe I have a problem.

No Surprises

Off of OK Computer, this music video is awesomely creepy and beautiful....

What's weirder than Thom Yorke? Thom Yorke's head submerged in a jar of water.

Prove Yourself

Pablo Honey is simply a great Rock N' Roll album. Solid guitar rock. No more, no less.

Airbag

Perfect way to kick off OK Computer...hints of the more experimental techno-synth-rock fusion they would explore in their later albums.

Sit Down, Stand Up (Snakes & Ladders)

This is what hippies of the future will listen to. In the future.

Stop Whispering

I really love Pablo Honey as an album. You should, too.

Black Star

Did you know that the "Black Star" is an ancient reference to the planet Saturn? It can also mean a theoretical star that has a surface escape velocity that equals or exceeds the speed of light.

Also, did you know that The Bends album is dedicated to Bill Hicks?

Karma Police

This song always reminds me of the Beatles' Sexy Sadie. Of all their songs, this one is probably the most derivative, I think. It's also damn catchy. And it has the line: "Her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill..." Sheer beauty.

Morning Bell

I know a lot of people don't dig Kid A or the more experimetal turn the band has taken of late...the music can be disjointed and jarring. But the hypnotic, rhythmic beats and fascinatingly complex arrangements and lyricism win you over. Great moody background music.

Just

My all-time favorite Radiohead song, this has long been my personal anthem. Biting lyrics, sweet riffs...and an absolutely vicious guitar solo in the middle. This is rock n' f'n roll! Plus, the video for it is kind of brilliant.

And that's why it really hurts.

These are the jokes - 3rd week of March

• Lucasfilm has announced a deal to show Star Wars related films made by fans on Spike TV. Giving fans of Star Wars and Spike TV one more thing to do while not getting laid.

• In a new book by Pope Benedict about his predecessor, he reveals that he was opposed to Bob Dylan appearing at a youth event with the late Pope John Paul in 1997 because he considered the pop star the wrong kind of “prophet.” A Jewish one.

• During his five nation tour of Latin and Central America, President Bush took the opportunity to use a large amount of Spanish to break the ice. Spanish Fly, that is.

Aw, yeah.

excess jokes

Hurm. What happens when I write more jokes than I submit? I post 'em on my blog! Whoo! Blogging! Fake content! Whoo!


Ahem. Here are some jokes I wrote this week:

• A new study revealed Monday that nearly a third of all veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan came home with mental illness or serious behavioral problems. The rest of them got sick while being treated at Walter Reed.

• As part of a demonstration of the benefits of a free trade deal he had trouble pushing through Congress, President Bush on Monday heaved crates of lettuce onto a loading dock in Guatemala. Unfortunately, they were all laced with e-coli.

• A Long Island teacher, who charged that she was fired because administrators mistakenly thought she was a witch, lost her 2 million dollar lawsuit Tuesday. The judge in the case then mysteriously burst into flames.

• Iran's cultural advisor criticized the hit movie 300, saying that the Greek vs. Persians action film is an "obvious insult" against their ancient culture and provokes animosity against Iran. Average American moviegoers responded by saying, “Iran? I thought the Spartans were just fighting random gay, black dudes.”

• It was reported that Whitney Houston has started work on her comeback album. And by “work,” they mean “snorting coke off of.”

Here's one with a soft punchline:

A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. Sometimes, they’re just good old fashioned perverts.

If I wanted to be edgier, I suppose could've said, "Sometimes, they're just good old fashioned rapists."

But did I really want to go there? No. No, I didn't.

Some people might. Some people might go there.

And you know what we call those people? Rapists.

more crazy

I'm on the subway the other night, on my way to a show. And I'm going over my set and working out some new bits on politics and the government. Getting the wording right. Just running through my set.


And I suddenly realize that, to everyone else on the train, I've been angrily talking to myself for three or four stops.

Ranting about Haliburton and Iraq and Scooter Libby...


I was the crazy guy ranting about the government on the subway!

That's how it begins.

who I'd like to meet

I'm just looking for a nice girl who's smart and sexy, funny, politically active, sassy...

...and knows the difference between red and green kryptonite.

Is that too much to ask for?

These are the jokes - last week of February '07

Britney Spears has finally answered the question, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

Gambia's President is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. He also claims to have a pet unicorn and a magical bridge to Terabithia.

Tuesday night's episode of American Idol became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart,” to which Seacrest replied “Don't call me 'sweetheart.' I don't want that kind of relationship.” Don’t worry, though; the make-up sex was awesome.