Thursday, May 24, 2007


Heyoooo! I have arrived. I have mocked a celebrity in print. In the New York Post.

Go out and grab a copy, turn to page 43 and you can see my devastatingly hilarious quip about Paris Hilton reading the Bible.

Or click here and enjoy it online. You'll see a picture of Paris in the little TV bubble on the right. Click the "next" button twice to see my quote - it's a pull quote!

What the heck. Here's the article for your reading entertainment:



May 24, 2007 -- OMG, the Bible is totally hard!

Yes, one can imagine these delightful little words appearing in a delightful little thought bubble above Paris Hilton's delightful little head as she aches and strains to understand why that super-skank Eve would act like such a complete and utter bitch at the dawn of time!

And that snake? I mean, what. Is he hot? Is he not hot?

Will her brain actually explode?

Don't fret, Paris. We've enlisted the mental power of an Ark's worth (see the book of Genesis - no, not "Lamb Lies Down," but nice reference, sweetie!) of scholarly, well-read New York stand-up comedians to help you quickly understand your new favorite must-read.

Oh, don't you know? Paris Hilton, who is heading to jail on June 5 for violating probation, was spotted earlier this week carrying both the New Age Oprah-endorsed "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and a thick, totally-not-showing-off-at-all copy of the Holy Bible (wonder if she found it in a Hilton Express?).

Read away, girlfriend - just think of this as a CliffsNotes version of the Good Book put together especially for you!

"As Moses learned in the Old Testament, sometimes a Burning Bush can be the voice of God. So be nicer to Lindsay Lohan."
- Alex Blagg

"Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Bible.

'Putyourbodonme' is how babies are made. Be careful, honey."
- Michelle Collins

"Just like the story of Jonah, God is punishing Paris. Only difference is that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and Paris just swallows ... Heyo!"
- Nick Kroll

"And God created the earth in seven days and on the seventh day, while he rested, he created the miracle of Valtrex."
- Colette Hawley

"Rich fool. Luke 12:15-21. That's enough; even Paris can understand that."
- Caroline Waxler

"The Bible teaches us that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him to fish, then he eats for a lifetime. The lesson here is: When the inmates ask you for a cigarette, it is best to teach her to roll her own. And if that doesn't work, buy Big Shirley a car."
- Jackie Clarke

"When the Lord is a drinking buddy, you don't have to worry about getting stopped by the cops."
- Chuck Nice

"I think, considering Paris Hilton's history of behavior, she should read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in prison. If nothing else, it will provide her with a lot of great party tips for her welcome home celebration."
- Todd Levin

" 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.' Matthew 7:12. Good to keep in mind for those steamy prisonshowers!"
- Molly Reisner

"I think God was really directing this Revelation verse at you, Paris: 'Let the wicked still act wickedly, and the filthy still be filthy.' It seems clear to me that her existence signifies the end of the world."
- Lang Fisher

"A lesson for Paris. You can find a Bible in every hotel room, but nobody wants to keep it . . . Remind her of anyone?"
- Allison Castillo

"Tell her: Learn to read."
- Eric Andre

Thanks Mandy!