Things that occur to me when I watch BEST WEEK EVER

• Because I've been doing stand-up in New York, I know more and more of the comics on Best Week Ever. So, it's either going to be a matter of time before I end up on Best Week Ever, or it's just a matter of time before I start crying myself to sleep because all my friends are on Best Week Ever...

• Jimmy Kimmel impersonating Jay Leno on the E! True Hollywood Re-Enactment of the Michael Jackson Trial is probably the funniest thing he's ever done and totally awesome.

• Going on Oprah Winfrey to jump up and down on a couch and attacking Oprah to prove you're in love with Katie Holmes...is totally gay.

• I know that uptight parents are all upset over the soft core porn Paris Hilton commercial for Carl's Jr. Which is awesome, since more people have seen the commercial now that the numbnuts brigade has drawn such attention to it. The Carl's Jr. website has an entire section devoted to it, now. I know their ad execs are showering themselves in champagne and hookers right now over how smart they were to use Paris. Congrats, fellas. You made it. And I don't have a problem with Paris Hilton hosing herself off and chowing down on some sloppy meat for thirty seconds...the problem I have with the commercial is their choice of song. I know they're giggling to themselves over lines like "I love Paris in the winter when it drizzles..." but come on guys! It's Cole Porter! Have some respect, man! It's Cole Porter! They might as well be dry humping the man's grave. Actually, they pretty much are dry humping the man's grave. Oh, pop culture. Also, I anxiously await the day when we, as a culture, no longer find Paris Hilton "hot." If they weren't so busy jerking off to her, I'm pretty sure the Right-Wingers would be declaring Paris yet another reason to hate the French.