Saturday, May 14, 2005

ooogh ooogh Fire

Sci-Fi Channel (bless their souls) is, for some strange reason, playing The Clan of the Cave Bear this morning.

A movie starring a young Daryl Hannah, with no spoken dialogue, ridiculous make-up, and the "emotional" character arc communicated through grunts? Who thought this was a good idea?

I mean, someone gave the green light for this movie. Someone read the plot synopsis and when they got to the part about a blonde haired, blue-eyed Cro-Magnon girl who doesn't fit in with her adopted Neanderthal tribe .... they KEPT READING! Even worse, someone "read" the script - made up of narration, scene descriptions, and the occasional "oogh" - and said, "sure it's only ten pages long, but I think we can stretch this into a film."

If you haven't seen the movie, let me describe it for you: Daryl Hannah plays a Neanderthal...who looks EXACTLY like Daryl Hannah. And the other cave people don't trust her. Mainly because they have to wear shitty Neanderthal make-up and she doesn't. There's lots of grunting. Some cave dude tries to bone Daryl and then I think she gets pregnant. I don't really know. She starts hugging all the Cro-Magnon chicks for like 10 scenes in a row. I think this is supposed to signify some sort of acceptance/female bonding/baby shower thing. Again, I'm not sure. I stopped watching by this point and had flipped over to ESPN to watch Cliff Floyd celebrate his two game-winning homers for the Mets last night by getting hit in the face with a pie during a post-game interview! HAHAHAHA! Man, that's so Oh, yeah. Clan of the Cave Bear. Sorry. Just terrible. Even Joel, Mike, and the Bots would be hard-pressed to make this movie watchable. That's pretty bad, dude.

One day, I hope to make movies. I'm under no illusions. I know it's a difficult field; an unforgiving, unfair, and often cruel industry. I know this. But if they made THAT movie, what WON'T they make? I would like to think that one day, when I'm shopping around my unsold screenplays and cursing The Powers That Be for not recognizing my brilliance, talent, and vision...I believe that I will always have my dignity and the peace-of-mind that comes with the wisdom of The Truth. For no matter what happens, I maintain the upperhand. I have a sure-fire, can't lose, guaranteed bargaining chip.

They made The Clan of the Cave Bear. And I did not. And once that's on the table, all bets are off. And anything is possible.