I know, I know...

It's been mad here. We're all mad here.

On the plus side, I will not be homeless next week.

More writing later.

In the meantime, here's an announcement from me:

Friends and assorted riff-raff,

Monday Night at 9:30PM I'm doing an awesome show that you will like. Details below. But first...

Tonight:

I'm doing a quick, last-minute opening spot at Sweet Paprika. Tonight. It's a 10:30 show and one of the best in the city. $5 gets you a whole lotta comedy!

Sweet Paprika!

101 E. 15th St., Union Sq. East, the D-Lounge, basement.

Then, on Monday Night:

I'm doing a very special show on Monday night at 9:30pm called "Laughing with the Enemy". 3 conservative comics. 3 Liberal comics. And TWO Jews in the military!! One is in the Army (me). One is a Marine. One is Enlisted (me). One is an Officer. One is a Veteran of Enduring Freedom (me). One is a Veteran of Iraqi Freedom. Which one is funnier (me)? YOU can help decide!

Please feel free to forward this to anyone else you might think would be interested!


8/28 - 9:30pm: Special Show: Laughing With the Enemy - $10
From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."
Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.
Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.
Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.
Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials.

9:30PM
$10!!!!
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)

Call: 1-800-838-3006
Click here for tickets:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5819

Make sure you select the 9:30PM show!!



Hope to see you there!

B.

Upcoming Shows

Nothing fancy, just some pimpin'.

Tomorrow night, I'll be at Rififi. The awesomely awesome Drink at Work crew runs a great show on Mondays at the Ace of Clubs. This summer, they've expanded to Tuesdays at Rififi and I will be on tomorrow night's show, along with an avalanche of comedic talent. An avalanche! And it's only Free!

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street

Tuesday, August 22

Host: Andres du Bouchet

Performing:
Dan Bialek (LA)
Nate Bargatze
Nick Cobb
Myka Fox
Benari Poulten
Eliza Faria Santos
and sketch group Lolabrigada

Thursday night, I'll be at Bar None for a 10pm show. That one could quickly degenerate into a bar brawl, so come check it out if you're into that sort of thing.

Desperate Times

I do have a couple of shows coming up, which I will pimp soon.

But I've, ah, been a little busy this past week. To be honest, I'm kind of in crisis mode.

The upshot is this: If you know of any good leads on an apartment in the New York City area, drop me a line.

Thanks.

"Rocky Five....Thousand"

Suddenly that lame joke in Space Balls is a little closer to coming true.

Noah mentioned the upcoming Rocky Balboa movie and while I commented on it there, I figure it's worth posting here, since I'm in the middle of writing scripts...and I clearly can't focus.

Rocky Balboa.

All I know is, it's only worth making if Rocky dies at the end.

Why make a movie about a geriatric Rocky if he doesn't go out in a toothless blaze of glory?

Also, it seems like they have a pretty boring "threat" for Rocky to face. Too bad this movie's opponent in no way looks as awesome as Apollo Creed. Or Mr. T. Definitely nowhere near as badass and insanely awesome as Drago. Rocky kind of needs a kickass nemesis to fight and it doesn't look like this guy's anything other than a young, hotshot punk boxer. Come on. Have you seen the other Rocky movies?! I'd rather see him fight Soda Popinski from Mike Tyson's Punchout than pretend there's a real challenge to Rocky from some young, unknown fake "champion" boxer. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far.

On a positive note:

I'm glad it's called Rocky Balboa. It would have been a mistake to call it Rocky VI. Because, as we all know, Rocky V does not exist. Never happened.

Rocky fought Drago and ended the Cold War and that's how the Rocky series ended.

Friends don't let friends write tired...

Not quite sure where I was going with it when it happened, but I've been trying to catch up on all the writing I haven't been doing this summer and while writing at 1:30 in the morning, I kinda fell asleep mid-sentence.

JACK

And you're never mad at us for whatever it is you're mad at us for. Suddenly I'm trying to make the dish out to eb

It starts off perfectly fine. And I think the second sentence kind of almost makes sense at the beginning, but then...

um. Never write tired, kids. It's taken me far more time today to try to figure out what the hell I was talking about than it would have taken me to just start fresh today.

That's my lesson today.

And, uh, stay in school.

louder than bombs

As chaos engulfs the Holy Land, The Lord Almighty reveals proof of a higher a power...and a wicked sense of humor:

The breast job that saved a life
Hospital: Shrapnel from rocket lodged in implants, sparing Israeli woman

JERUSALEM - An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart.

Also, we'd like pictures please. For, um, research purposes.

In other twisted-but-hilarious-it's-so-sad-it's-funny news from that region:

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip - Nahed Ghurani worried that naming his new son Hezbollah might cause the boy problems when he grows up. But young Hezbollah Ghurani won’t be the only Palestinian in this predicament.

In a spasm of celebration for Hezbollah’s monthlong battle against Israel, many parents in Gaza City have named their children after the Islamic militant group and its leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah.

...

“It’s a hope for victory that encourages women to do this,” maternity ward nurse Fiza Zaanin said.

“Just like when women named their children Saddam when he promised to destroy Israel,” she explained, referring to ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein who launched missiles at Israel during the first Gulf War.

Thanks, crazy moms. I wonder what those kids are gonna grow up to be.

I hope the kids rebel. Giving these young'uns hate-filled names might be just the thing that finally drives them to become peaceniks. Out of spite, of course. It would be awesome if one of them grew up to lead a successful peace movement.

"Now accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, Hamas Jihad."

Stan Lee says...

"A super hero never reveals his secret identity."





I just wish the current writers, artists, and editors over at Marvel watched Who Wants To Be A Superhero.

1 down, 8 more lives to go?

Sad news from the hardened streets of Brooklyn.

One of New York's feline finest has fallen in the line of duty.

Undercover Kitty died tragically after being hit by a car. It seems that even the strong paw of justice is no match for traffic.

NEW YORK -- Fred the Undercover Kitten, who gained fame this winter by posing as a would-be patient to help police nab a phony veterinarian, has died.

The 15-month-old tabby was killed last week when he wandered into traffic and was run over by a car, according to the Brooklyn district attorney's office.

Fred was a rescued stray when he was enlisted by law enforcement in February.

An undercover investigator posing as Fred's owner summoned the suspect to an apartment rigged with a hidden camera and pretended the kitten needed to be neutered. The man was arrested as he left carrying Fred in a box and cash for the operation.

Fred got his due at a news conference, where he sported a tiny badge on his collar. ``He's pretty easygoing, a real Brooklyn guy," his caretaker, prosecutor Carol Moran, said at the time.

On Wednesday, Fred ran out Moran's back door while she was attending to two dogs. Neighbors later found his body in the road.

Fred had been ``preparing for a new career in education," the district attorney's office said.

I suspect foul play.

Look what I got in the mail!

Wow. Mel Gibson sure was serious when he said he would reach out to the Jewish community and ask for forgiveness. Look what he's sending out to every single Jew in the world, ever*:

Dear Jew,

I'm sorry!

Please accept my sincerest regret that you will spend eternity in Hell.

Your Pal,

Mel

I got mine this morning. Pretty sweet. Good ol' Mel will have things patched up with the Jews in no time!

*Yes, there is a list of all the Jews in the world, ever. It's for, um...research.

**This was based onRoss' brilliant idea.**

I knew it!

The cops won't release the Mel Gibson tapes of his infamous arrest.

Authorities have refused to release video and audio tapes of Mel Gibson's drunken driving arrest, saying the material is part of an "investigatory file" and exempt from the California Public Records Act.

Which means that the tapes DO exist.

Audio and video.

There is no way that these tapes are not hilarious.

I daresay they may be the most hilarious tapes ever recorded.

We wants them.

back

I was away, but now I have returned.

Army weekend.

Most surreal moment of my car trip home:

Driving back - in uniform - and singing out loud to The Beatles' All You Need Is Love.

I am subversive.

War is over. If you want it.

Something something. Peace.

My iPod says a lot about me

The Onion has a section where they have someone famous listen to their iPod on shuffle and then talk about the songs. And no cheating, skipping the embarrassing songs.

I'm not famous (yet) but I do have an iPod. And I've been listening to it on shuffle while I work on this script. And instead of continuing to work on my script, like I should be doing, I will share the first seven songs I've heard.

Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies

You either like the Pixies or you are an ass.

Hush - Deep Purple

This song will now be stuck in my head for two days.

Que Sera, Sera/You Oughta Know - The Dan Band

This is from a concert CD of The Dan Band, which is the band that plays the hilarious "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at Frank's wedding in the movie Old School. Yes, I have The Dan Band on my iPod. Love me.

I Love You, Baby - Brak

Brak, from Space Ghost. Singing. Love me more.

Soap Star Joe - Liz Phair

Liz Phair is the kind of gal I love...because I'm also a little afraid of her.

Black and White World - Elvis Costello & the Attractions

I'll always be jealous of Danny, who got to meet him. Bastard.

Manifest/Outro - The Fugees

This reminds me - I really need to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Maybe I'll rent it tonight and watch that instead of finishing this script...

SPECIAL BONUS SONGS THAT PLAYED WHILE TYPING THIS VERY POST:

Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

Shut up.

Transformer - Gnarls Barkley

This song rocks. As my good friend Baron says, if they don't use this song in the upcoming Transformers movie, they are stupid, stupid people.

Tomorrow Never Knows - The Beatles

Frankly, I'm surprised it took this long for my iPod to play a Beatles song.

More Mel-odrama

From Mel Gibson's latest apology:

The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God's child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.

I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.

I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.

Lucky for Mel, I'm sure there will be plenty of sympathetic, charitable Jewish leaders who will take him up on his offer of help. And then he can go right back to making his cracks about Jews, but this time he can defend himself: "I can say that. I have a lot of Jewish friends, now!"

It's nice that Mel wants Jews to help him get over his bigotry - ahem, I mean, alcoholism. But I have to ask: If he believes so strongly in whatever it is that he believes, why can't his awesome religion help him through this, his darkest hour?

On Mel Gibson

Had a chance to work on some new material last night, including some topical stuff which I think will have a shelf-life of five minutes ago. So, I figured I'd share my little Mel Gibson joke that I wrote this weekend. PS: It worked quite well last night.

It's always tough for my people. We've got Israel and Lebanon and now this Mel Gibson thing. Mel Gibson gets busted for a DUI and completely has a meltdown. Just throws his career away. He called the cop "sugar tits" and just started ranting about the Jews. "The Jews start all the wars!" "Fucking Jews." "It's all the Jews' fault - you...you a fucking a Jew?!"

I mean, he completey ruined his career.

Which is exactly how the Jews planned it.

Last Call

So, um...I don't know how I stumbled upon this, but I did.

Road House 2: Last Call.

They made a sequel to Road House.

Without Patrick Swayze.

They did it. They finally really did it. You maniacs!

Damn you! Damn you all to hell!!

Who wants to watch people who want to be superheroes?

I do.

And I'm not alone.

I did not expect to like this show at all.

But I LOVED it.

This show was supposed to be a cornball, last ditch lame attempt by the geeks to sink their fake vampire teeth into the bloated corpse of reality television.

But, like so many things having to do with geek culture, this show - with much thanks to Stan "The Man" Lee - manages to elevate itself above the normal reality show trainwreck, rewarding noble character over petty, self-interested, competition-minded contestants.

In a time when the sneakiest snake wins the "survival of the fittest" in the selfish world of reality television, along comes WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO? and completely shames the entire genre.

If this show were just a bunch of grown adults wearing gaudy outfits, running around with pretend superpowers and shouting cheesy catchphrases, it would simply fade away as another sad cliche of geek culture.

BUT.

From the get-go, nothing is as it seems.

The drama!

The pathos!

The HUMANITY!

When these would-be Superheroes screw up, Stan Lee mercilessly shames them, providing insight into what it means to be a true hero.

The first "hero" to be kicked off the show is revealed to be nothing more than a money-hungry, fame-obsessed celebrity wannabe. And Stan Lee will have none of it, teaching him - and everyone - a terrific lesson in humility. He needs to make sure that these people are there for the right reasons. It's fascinating. Sure, on the surface they look like a bunch of freaks and geeks, but what Stan Lee is really trying to do is look beyond the garish get-ups and see what makes a hero tick. It's not about the cool gadgets or the goofy costumes; it's about what's on the inside that counts. It's about the VALUES of heroism.

When Lee sees them flitting about their house like they're on a vacation, he barks orders at them, telling them in no uncertain terms that this is not how superheroes act.

You gotta love the sense of theatrics and the slowly brewing melodramas -

Hello! Major Victory is a former exotic dancer who feels like he let his daughter down!

Yet, beneath the flashy, cheesy exterior of the show is a lesson in true heroism, where one's character is tested more than their skill, where it's not enough to talk like a hero; it's most important to ACT like a hero.

When "Fat Momma" stops in the middle of her mission to help a crying child, we know that beneath her copious bosom beats the heart of a true hero. We no longer see a large woman in a ridiculous outfit with doughnuts hanging from her belt ... well, okay, we do see that, but we also see a mother, a human being. Someone who truly believes in helping others, no matter the cost.

When Cellphone Girl and Major Victory veer off from their given task to help that child in need, you know that they value the ideals of heroism over competition. We feel a little tingle of excitement as a cry for help is answered. And even as Major Victory mugs to the camera, we know that his heart's in the right place. Sure his costume riffs heavily on The Greatest American Hero ... and that helps, too.

Many of these costumed characters fail their first real test and when Stan Lee solemnly chastises the so-called heroes for ignoring a crying girl - for not taking time out to do the most important thing a hero can do, help someone in need - they realize that there's a lot more to being a real superhero than beating your opponents in a competition. And an important lesson is taught to all. Dressing up in a silly costume isn't so silly when you actually live up to the superhero standard of helping those in need. But when you act selfishly, ignoring the cries of help around you, standing there in a superhero outfit must feel like the most humiliating experience in the world.

"Son, you have a lot of growing up to do."

Stan Lee uttering those words is the reality television equivalent of "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."

In essence, this is an anti-reality show; instead of holding up a mirror to our culture and showing us how truly awful people are, WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO? encourages us to live up to an ideal, to be better than ordinary people, to be better human beings. Sure, it's filled with chessy maxims and over-the-top outrageous characters...but beneath the flash and pop is a show that rewards good behavior and a noble character.

Of course, Stan Lee sums up the show best when he explains that it's what's on the inside counts:

"Heart.

Compassion.

Courage.

Honesty and integrity."

These are the qualities that Stan's searching for and in a time when the word "hero" is tossed around to describe anyone from someone who hits homeruns to fictional characters who favor violence over peace, leave it to Stan Lee to provide a shining beacon of hope in a dark world.

Everyone of us could be an everyday superhero. It's not about costumes or powers or cool gadgets. It's not about talking the talk or saying you love being hero. Actions speak louder than words and are more dramatic than any of the show's dreamt-up theatrics. It's about BEING a hero, in every sense of the word.

Heart.
Compassion.
Intelligence.
Courage.
Honesty.
Integrity.

Who WOULDN'T want to be a superhero?!

Excelsior!

An important message

From the lovely ladies of Sweet Paprika:

Summer's almost over.
I hate to be the one to tell you, but I must.
Seriously, one more month and then it's back to the same grind you've had all summer, minus sidewalk cafes and rooftop parties.
Does anyone have a roof? Call me!

We're celebrating the last week of July with a bang, a scream and a strum.
Here's who's doing what:
Dan Newbower - Low key, relentless persuasion
Brad Loakey - Definitely bang
The Hazzards - All the strum without the drang
Benari Poulten - Please and thank you

And Allison and Ophira, screaming to be heard over the siren song of the vodka...

Sweet Paprika
at D-Lounge, beneath the Daryl Roth Theatre
Every Friday at 10:30pm
101 East 15th St. at Union Square East
$5, 2 drinks, endless laughs
www.sweetpaprika.com

ORDER TIX ONLINE!!!
www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5376

You heard the gals. Ge thee to D-Lounge!

with "Fox and Friends" like these....

TO: Fox News, "Fox and Friends"

FROM: The Jews

RE: Your new "Israel-friendly" graphic


You are not helping.

Oy.

a little less conversation...

...a little more self-promotion, please.

On Monday night at 8, I'll be performing at the 45th Street Theatre.

The 45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
Between 8th and 9th Avenue
Call 1-800-838-3006 for tickets and discounts!

It's a great line-up featuring:

Dean Obeidallah
Jim David
Julie Goldman
Jamie Jackson
and ME.

More details here: http://laughingliberally.com/shows.html


Then, on FRIDAY JULY 28th at 10:30pm, I'll be performing at one of my favorite shows in the city, Sweet Paprika.

D-Lounge, basement
101 E. 15th Street
Union Square East, NYC
10:30PM

Along with me, you get to see the always funny Allison Castillo and Ophira Eiesenberg, Dan Newbower, Brad Loekle, and the hilarious ukulele duo The Hazzards! All for 5 bucks!

More details here: http://www.sweetpaprika.com/schedule_sp.htm

Hope to see you there.

Thanks for supporting live comedy,

B.

brilliant dialogue

I know I've quoted Ghostbusters before, and I'll probably do so again. But somehow, recent world events have reminded me of this exchange:

Mayor

What do you mean, "biblical"?

Dr Ray Stantz

What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath-of-God type stuff.

Dr. Peter Venkman

Exactly.

Dr Ray Stantz

Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling.

Dr. Egon Spengler

Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...

Winston Zeddemore

The dead rising from the grave.

Dr. Peter Venkman

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!