reflections on a Saturday morning

This Rosh Hashanah has found me particularly reflective and as we are now in the Days of Awe, I thought I would share one specific prayer...a prayer not exclusive to the Rosh Hashanah service, but one that I find especially appropriate this time of year.
Emphasis mine.


A Prayer for our Country

Our God and God of our fathers: We ask Your blessing for our country, for its government, for its leader and advisors, and for all who exercise just and rightful authority. Teach them insights of Your Torah, that they may administer all affairs of state fairly, that peace and security, happiness and prosperity, justice and freedom may forever abide in our midst.

Creator of all flesh, bless all the inhabitants of our country with Your spirit. Then citizens of all races and creeds will forge a common bond in true brotherhood, to banish all hatred and bigotry, and to safeguard the ideals and free institutions which are our country's pride and glory.

May this land under Your Providence be an influence for good throughout the world, uniting all men in peace and freedom, and helping them fulfill the vision of Your prophet: "Nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall men learn war any more." And let us say: Amen.

L'Shanah Tovah

Happy Jew Year!

almost famous

Or, as DJ Hazard put it at my roast, "The Poulten March Is On!"

From today's New York Post:

ROAST IN PEACE

By REED TUCKER

September 12, 2007 -- HAPPY birthday, you syphilitic loser!

Next time you’re looking to honor a friend or colleague, forget boring drinks at a bar or a tedious group dinner. Karaoke? Played.

The birthday party du jour is . . . the roast.

And really, what could be more fun than getting close friends together to publicly and mercilessly tear someone limb from limb?

It’s like Alberto Gonzalez’s congressional hearing, only with an open bar.

“The roast is a time-honored tradition,” says Chris DeLuca, a writer-comic who has been organizing roasts with his friends for a few years. “People have seen those old Dean Martin roasts and think they look pretty funny. Roasts are cool. They evoke memories of people laughing, smoking cigars, being good sports. They’re a different thing to do.”

And as different as they are, they still, oddly enough, serve the same purpose as a regular party: showering a guest of honor with attention.

“Even when they’re mocking you, all the attention is on you,” says Jane Borden, a writer who recently had herself roasted upon turning 30. “It was like a wedding, except it was just about me. And filthy.”

“It’s something in our culture that it’s acceptable to see people squirm,” says Geordarna Poulten, an event planner who just threw a surprise roast for her brother, Benari. “Plus, me being the younger sister, it was a good way to pay my brother back.”

That said, there’s a fine line between cracking on someone in a good-natured way and going too far.

“Anything that violates relationships is something you shouldn’t go near,” DeLuca says. “It’s an opportunity to bust people’s chops, but you should be able to say the things in front of his girlfriend or wife and not have a fear of an impending divorce.”

Benari Poulten says he enjoyed his ribbing, no matter how malicious it got. “Comedy is the only profession where people pay respect to you by beating you up. It’s an honor,” he says. “Roasts are one of the times when you can let loose. You’re almost given permission to be as brutal as possible. It’s really about seeing how far you can go.”

And far they went. How about these jokes from Benari’s friends? Sorry, “friends” ?

“Benari is so little, his last showbiz gig was when he was hired to be the bait on ‘To Catch a Predator,’ ” cracked Dan Newbower.

“I’m not saying Benari is short, but it must feel good to know that if you’re ever in a gunfight, you never need to worry about ducking,” said Baron Vaughn.

“People don’t know this, but Benari actually has written some new jokes in the past six years. It’s just that someone put them up on the high shelf,” said Kyria Abrahams.

We’re gonna hazard a guess that Benari is not tall.

The fun was only amplified by the fact that his parents were there.

“That gave the night a surreal feel,” he says. “It was weird having people saying these graphic things and looking over and seeing my mom laughing.”

These days, though, everyone can enjoy a good roast. Comedy Central runs the occasional special, and Sarah Silverman turned her emcee gig at Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards into an opportunity to pick apart famous people in the audience.

Of 50 Cent she said, “Can I just say I think it’s so cute that he’s still alive.”

But she saved her harshest quips for Britney Spears, who’d just finished performing. “Have you seen Britney’s kids?” Silverman asked. “They are the most adorable mistakes you’ll ever see.”

Britney was probably not laughing. Although somewhere, K-Fed was - but only because he was high.

See how easy it is to make fun of someone? Go out and try it yourself. Make sure to bring your sharpest barbs, your strongest liquor and, above all, your thickest skin.

And for added fun, I had the last line of the "Rules of the Roast" side bar piece...a rule which is quite apropos, I think.

RULES OF THE ROAST

By REED TUCKER

September 12, 2007 -- SHOULD you be invited to speak at a roast - and at this point, it’s only a matter of time - here are some pointers to appropriately pay tribute to the honoree (and keep the other presenters from unleashing a malicious verbal assault upon you).

1. Keep it short, dummy

“Three minutes is a long time,” says roaster Jane Borden. “You really don’t need more than that.”

2. Write actual jokes, jackass

Try not to just tell embarrassing stories. Those tend to have a you-had-to-be-there quality. Come up with a bunch of short quips instead. “It’s a very specific art form, and if you stick to it, you’ll do well,” says Borden.

3. Know the limits, nimrod

Sure, it’s a harsh environment, but you don’t want to go too far by spilling personal secrets or insulting someone’s significant other. “Don’t say, ‘Hey, it’s great you’re marrying Karen, but did you know Bill banged her?’ ” suggests roaster Chris DeLuca. “It’s not good to have a fistfight.”

4. Crack on others in the room, dimwit

Spread the non-love around! Everyone in the room, especially the other presenters, is fair game and should be destroyed. “Everyone gets a little bit of attention,” says DeLuca. “It’s a weird ego thing. Some of my friends who are comedians, the worst thing you can do is not mention them.”

5. Spin old jokes in a new way, dufus

Yeah, your friend is fat and has warrants out for his arrest in Florida. Everyone is going to be making fun of those same attributes; your challenge is to come up with a new way to harp on tired themes. “I had a roast for a friend, and people made fun of the amount that he drinks,” says DeLuca. “So people came up and would say, ‘Frank is a drunk.’ Someone else would say, ‘He’s dying of cirrhosis.’ But by the fourth or fifth time, they had to get creative to make the same joke. I said, ‘A lot of people get up here and talk about his alcohol addiction, but if you do that, you miss out on his other life-crippling insecurities.’ ”

6. Get ready for the consequences, %ó&@#!

“Be prepared to make apologies the next day,” says roastee Benari Poulten. “You never know.”

6 years later.

iSuck

Dear Apple Lemmings Lovers who bought the iPhone immediately at full price because they couldn't wait to brag about how awesome they were:

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Sorry. It's not nice to laugh at others' misfortune.

Many users are fuming over Apple's substantial 33 percent price drop (of $200) on the 8GB iPhone just a little over 60 days after the product was introduced; it has left hundreds of thousands of users, enthusiasts, and other customers wondering whether Apple was just gouging its faithful customers when it priced the popular device at $599 and $499 at its launch at the end of June.

Iraq, You Report

It's almost time for General Petraeus to present his report on Iraq's progress to Congress.

And a lot of folks are giving the Administration grief over the fact that, while General Petraeus will present the report, the President will prepare the report.

The criticism is unfair, I think.

Look at it from the President's point of view. This is a situation where the President is really just helping out a friend with a tough assignment. I'm sure when the President was in school and he had to present a report, he had someone else write it up for him.

He's just paying it forward.

So this is what 30 feels like.

Where's the ka-boom? I thought there would be an earth-shattering ka-boom?

Ah, well. Go, shorty. It's my birthday. And we gonna party like it's my birthday. 'Cuz it is.

NY Times shout out to The King

An Op-Ed on The King from the NY Times:

Editorial Observer
Jack Kirby, a Comic Book Genius, Is Finally Remembered
By BRENT STAPLES

The fear of being forgotten after death is endemic in the creative arts. In the case of the iconic comic book artist Jack Kirby, it happened while he was still alive. By the 1960s, Mr. Kirby had already revolutionized the comic book business more than once. Working as principal artist and in-house genius for Marvel, he created a voice and an aesthetic unmatched by any other company.

Marvel took his talents for granted and denied him the credit and compensation he clearly deserved. Worse, he was overshadowed by his loquacious and photogenic collaborator, Stan Lee, who became the public face of an enterprise that depended heavily on Mr. Kirby’s skills.

Mr. Kirby eventually quit, leaving behind characters like the Hulk, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men and the Silver Surfer, and ending what was easily the most fruitful collaboration in comic book history. His long and ugly battle with Marvel over the rights to his original artwork galvanized the artistic community and raised his public profile.

Still, by the time of his death in 1994, he was clearly worried that Mr. Lee would eclipse him in public memory and that history would deny him the recognition he deserved for breathing life into a collection of universally recognized superheroes who would eventually become movie stars.

History was late to the party, but it finally arrived. Thanks to renewed interest in Mr. Kirby’s work — and shout-outs from novelists like Michael Chabon and Jonathan Lethem — he is more widely known today than he was in the 1960s. Back then, those of us who read him haunted newsstands and drugstores, ripping each new issue right out of the deliveryman’s hands. Two books, including a long-awaited biography, are in the works, and the reprint industry is threatening to resurrect everything Mr. Kirby ever produced.

He was introduced to a broader public just last month when the United States Postal Service issued 20 stamps depicting Marvel characters. The images seemed deliberately chosen to maximize Marvel’s marketing opportunities. Even so, Mr. Kirby is credited on eight of the stamps and could have been credited on several more. After all, he did at least some work on nearly every major character Marvel produced.

Mr. Kirby did a lot more than just draw. As the critic Gary Groth so ably put it in The Comics Journal Library, “He barreled like a freight train through the first 50 years of comic books like he owned the place.” He mastered and transformed all the genres, including romance, Westerns, science fiction and supernatural comics, before he landed at Marvel.

He created a new grammar of storytelling and a cinematic style of motion. Once-wooden characters cascaded from one frame to another — or even from page to page — threatening to fall right out of the book into the reader’s lap. The force of punches thrown was visibly and explosively evident. Even at rest, a Kirby character pulsed with tension and energy in a way that makes movie versions of the same characters seem static by comparison.

The frenetic action and the rooftop fighting so common on the superhero set did not just materialize out of nowhere. Mr. Kirby remembered much of it from his Depression-era youth on New York’s Lower East Side, where, he once told an interviewer, the incessant fights among rival gangs were often staged up and down fire escapes and during running battles across tenement rooftops.

In a recent interview, his friend and biographer Mark Evanier described Mr. Kirby as a man so obsessed with giving voice to the characters that he had to give up just about everything else. He put aside driving, Mr. Evanier said, because he became so distracted that he would sometimes run off the road. Once he got a book plotted in his head he’d sit at the drafting table around the clock if necessary. With a fixation like that, he easily outproduced even his most prolific contemporaries.

With interest in Mr. Kirby growing — and his characters already marching across the screen — a movie of his life is clearly in order. Properly handled, the film could give an abused and neglected genius his full due while offering a fascinating glimpse into one of the most vibrant and creative eras in pop cultural history.

Miss Teen South Carolina promotes...map reading? Literacy? Education? The future?

I'm guessing she might just be one of those U.S. Americans out there in our nation that don't have maps...such as.

A Real American Hero

From Variety:

Paramount Pictures has set Stephen Sommers to direct "G.I. Joe," the live-action feature based on Hasbro's line of action figures.

The studio is hiring a writer immediately, and has set a February production start for a summer 2009 release.

Fine. I'll write it for you.

What are my credentials?

Well, I had every single G.I. Joe action figure as a kid, watched every episode of the cartoon, and have a nearly complete run of the original Marvel comics series. I still have my G.I. Joe dog tags and the mail-order "original" action figure based on me.

I have an MFA in Dramatic Writing from the Tisch School of the Arts at NYU where I studied screenwriting under the likes of Jeremy Pikser (Bullworth) and the legendary Walter Bernstein (Fail Safe, The Front).

What else, what else.

Oh, yes.

I'M IN THE ARMY!!!

Seriously.

Attention Paramount. You NEED to hire me for this project. Have your people call my peo...um, you know what? You can just call me direct. Drop me a line. Send me a text.

Seriously.

Yo Joe.

High Hopes

I have actually learned something from watching the past few Democratic debates:

Dennis Kucinich has a strikingly beautiful wife.
Who's British.
And 6 feet tall.
And 29 years old.

Elizabeth and Dennis Kucinich. She doesn't care that she towers over him. And he doesn't care that the voting public mocks his candidacy. They have each other. And their vision for America. Where a little man with big dreams can find love and happiness and a chance to become President. Or at least love and happiness.

Thank God for Dennis Kucinich and his longshot ambitions for the White House and his crazy dreams of peace, prosperity, and veganism. And for having a hot wife.

You give hope to all pie-in-the-sky idealists everywhere. Who also happen to be short.

Foxy Lady

BREAKING NEWS!

A new poll has discovered that (gasp!) WHITE PEOPLE are happier than minorities in America.

Poll: White youths happier than others
By LARRY McSHANE and TREVOR TOMPSON

From their relationships to their jobs to their money — even from they time they first roll out of bed — young white Americans are happier with life than their minority counterparts.

According to an extensive survey of 1,280 people ages 13-24 by The Associated Press and MTV, 72 percent of whites say they are happy with life in general, compared with 51 percent of Hispanics and 56 percent of blacks.

From their higher-paying salaries, better job prospects, increased opportunities and easier access to solid health care and education - even their lack of daily persecution - young white Americans are just happier with life.

Just why that is, though, we may never know.

"Yay! White!"

When I think of Serbia, I think of Stallone

A statue of Sylvester Stallone's famous film character, boxer Rocky Balboa, has been erected in a tiny Serbian town to give a positive punch to the village's image after years of hard times.

The three-metre (10-foot) high bronze statue of Stallone as Rocky, made by a Croatian sculptor, was revealed late Saturday in the center of the Serbian village of Zitiste, some 55 kilometers (33 miles) north of the capital Belgrade, local media reported.

A village resident thought up the idea of building a statue last February as he wanted to pay tribute to his favorite movie hero after seeing the sixth and latest "Rocky" movie.

"I felt as if Rocky has come from our village, he had to fight to win his place in society," Bojan Marceta said at the time.

Of course this small town in Serbia would recognize the monumental impact Rocky Balboa has had on the world. After all, Rocky (along with the movie Red Dawn) ended the Cold War when he knocked out Drago in Rocky IV. And now, all of Eastern Europe can celebrate the triumph of the Italian Stallion over the iron fist of Communism.

The punch that brought the Wall crumbling down.

"...or my watch has stopped."

A movie that remains near and dear to my heart.




Addendum: Noah has a bunch of clips up paying homage to the legendary Groucho Marx. Click on over there and have a few laughs. And tell 'im Groucho sent ya.

Wieringo

Mike Wieringo, a terrific comic book artist, died very suddenly last week. He was only 44 years old.

Here's a glimpse at a never-to-be-realized Aquaman pitch (courtesy of Mark Waid). In just a few strokes of his pencil, Ringo managed to capture the fun, the charm, and the majesty of the King of the Seven Seas.





For more on Mike and to pay respects, click over to his site: mikewieringo.com

roasted

So. That show last night? Turns out, it was a surprise birthday roast for me.

Friends and family gathered in the intimate Tank setting to call me short and bald and make offensive comments about everyone there. It was overwhelmingly sweet and amazing and hilarious.



Big thanks to my sister, Geordarna, for putting the whole thing together. And to all the good folks who traveled near and far to join in the celebration!


sniff. I'm a lucky guy.

photo courtesy of Baratunde.

INSTANT CLASSIC - Time Out NY Pick of the Day!

That's right. INSTANT CLASSIC is tonight's Critic's Pick in TIME OUT NEW YORK. So swing on by the Tank tonight around 9ish and see why!

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 15th @ 9PM
INSTANT CLASSIC
The Tank @ C:U
Downstairs
279 Church Street * NYC
$5

Tonight's guests:

Bryan Olsen!
Eric Andre!
Greg Walloch!
Jesse Popp!
and the wee comedy stylings of John F. O'Donnell!*

*JFO'D is the only comic in NYC I can call "wee." That's why I love 'im.

Local News

New 'CAP owners want to stay local
By Christopher Scott
Lowell Sun

LOWELL -- Local, local and local.

That was the mantra yesterday at WCAP AM 980, where the owner of the Central Street radio station for the last 56 years, Maurice Cohen, emotionally announced that he is selling his radio station to a group of local investors led by Sam Poulten of Chelmsford and Clark Smidt of Andover for $2.6 million.

"It's been like holding a tiger by the tail," Cohen said of his ownership of the station for the last few years. "I just didn't know when to let go. Of course, it's a happy day for me, but it's also a sad day. I'm just glad the new owners plan on keeping everything local."

The prospective deal -- it still needs approval by the Federal Communications Commission, which is expected within 60 days -- culminates nearly two years of negotiations.

Cohen, who started the station with his brother, Ike, had discussed a potential sale with several prominent local businessmen. He even rejected a more lucrative proposal because it didn't contain the local commitment.

"This is just an exhilarating day, a wonderful occasion," said Smidt. "Maurice put together this deal in outstanding style."

"No," Cohen interjected, "you did, Clark."

Both Smidt and Poulten applauded Cohen for keeping the station local with as much local programming as possible.

In fact, they called Cohen a "great hero of local radio."

With "The Morning Information Team" airing weekday mornings from 6 to 9, and "Afternoon Live" running weekday afternoons from 3 to 6, Poulten and Smidt said they hope to create more local programming that's more expansive.

"This radio station will truly be a voice for the entire Merrimack Valley," said Poulten, a real-estate agent who is a member of the Nashoba Valley Technical High School Committee and a former member of the Chelmsford School Committee.

Poulten and Smidt spoke of possible alliances with local schools like Nashoba Tech, as well as The Sun, UMass Lowell and local ethnic groups.

"We're going to cover everything, from the Armenian Festival to the Greek Festival and, of course, the Lowell Folk Festival," Poulten said.

For example, the station will continue its long-held, and successful, tradition of raising money for the local Salvation Army prior to Christmas.

But it won't be easy, Poulten acknowledged.

In the late 1980s and early 1990s, WCAP employed nearly 30 people, including a full-time sales force.

Today, the station employs about a half-dozen, and no one is selling ads "except for Maurice," Poulten said.

Poulten said the first challenge is to "beef up" the work force, particularly on the news side, followed by the recruitment of an aggressive sales force to make coverage of the news possible.

Poulten said he and Smidt have formulated a two-year business plan to "bring the station into the 21st century."

Following yesterday's announcement just after the 8 a.m. news, Cohen held court on the air for nearly an hour.

It was a rare on-air appearance for Cohen, who seldom ventures from his business office into the studio.

Guest after guest saluted the gray-haired man in the seersucker suit, including his friend, Kendall Wallace, The Sun's chairman of the board, City Councilors Edward "Bud" Caulfield and Rita Mercier, UMass Lowell Chancellor Marty Meehan and City Manager Bernie Lynch.

Warren Shaw, host of the "Saturday Morning Live" program, said WCAP's radio personalities, including himself, are welcoming the sale.

"The sale was inevitable," said Shaw, a former Dracut selectman. "By and large, we're just happy it's staying local."

Meanwhile, an application was made to the FCC on Aug. 10 to transfer ownership of the station from Northeast Radio Inc., which is principally owned by Cohen, to Merrimack Valley Radio, LLC, which is owned by Smidt and his son, Jeffrey, and YMSK LLC. The latter is owned by Poulten; his son, Benari; Lowell real-estate agent/developer Brian McMahon; John P. Finn of Tyngsboro; and Kelly Verdolino of Medway.

The 5,300-watt station, which carves a wide radius from Lowell, is the oldest independently owned radio station in Massachusetts, and possibly in New England, said Gary Frascarelli, who serves as WCAP's news director.

Thank you for spamming

Cleaning out the spam from my Bulk Mail folder, I came across what might possibly be the greatest subject line of any spam ever.

I am certain that had I clicked open the awaiting e-mail, my laptop would have been seized by a crippling virus, forever corrupting my precious files and possibly melting my hard drive...but still, the subject line was so enticing. So curious. So...strangely literate.

It was from "Natacha Cason" (that's almost a spy name) and it boldly stated:

I knew that it was a foolish and deadly plan, but I carried out the order.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first line of my new novel.

hello again

Yes, yes. Long time. Let's resume normal communications again, shall we?

All this and Todd Barry, too!

Comedy Tonight!

If you swing by the D-Lounge tonight at 10:30, not only will you get to see me do comedy, you'll also get:

Jen Kirkman, Bryan Olsen, and Nicole Korkolis!

And, preparing for his CD taping, TODD BARRY!

Hosted, of course, by the lovely and talented ladies of laughter: Allison and Ophira...from Ketel One With Love.

TONIGHT (and every Friday Night)
10:30pm
at the D-Lounge
beneath the Daryl Roth Theatre
www.dloungenyc.com
101 East 15th Street (btwn Irving Pl and Union Sq East)
$5 / 2 drinks /endless laughs
www.sweetpaprika.com

http://www.myspace.com/sweetpaprika

Drink. Laugh. Be merry.

Walking To Werner

If you're in the New York City area, I encourage you to head over to the Anthology Film Archives and catch a screening of Walking To Werner, a remarkable documentary film by Linas Phillips which basically follows Linas as he walks 1,200 miles from Seatle to LA to connect with his "spiritual father," filmmaker Werner Herzog.

"Phillips lovingly bears witness to random folk whose heart-tugging experiences put life into eye-opening perspective for both him and the audience... His quest for truth is spiritual, an example of striving through suffering, and it inspires the type of euphoria that may lead someone to one day walk to Linas.
-The Village Voice

I first met Linas several years ago when he used to do experimental comedy at The Comedy Studio in Cambridge. I won't even pretend that I always understood what he was doing; I would have described his comedy as more character-driven performance art than stand-up...in the name of full disclosure, I kind of always thought of him as "that weird comic...weirder than Eugene." Yet, the more I watched him, the more Linas always managed to find the depth and humanity in his comic characters and no matter what he did, he always created something surprising and new.

So, it's amazing that years later, he has now set out to be a filmmaker, and his first film is pretty amazing. The people and their stories start taking over the film and Linas' goal of meeting Herzog takes a backseat to the fascinating stories of the people he encounters along the way. It's definitely worth seeing.

More info on the film.

Here's a clip:

now we're trackin'

Just in case you were wondering why we live in the future, but we don't have flying cars and jetpacks...

...well, it's because the mad scientists are busy working on that OTHER kind of future.

The one where the government can track you thanks to microchips implanted in your arm.

In design, the tag is simple: A medical-grade glass capsule holds a silicon computer chip, a copper antenna and a "capacitor" that transmits data stored on the chip when prompted by an electromagnetic reader.

Implantations are quick, relatively simple procedures. After a local anesthetic is administered, a large-gauge hypodermic needle injects the chip under the skin on the back of the arm, midway between the elbow and the shoulder.

"It feels just like getting a vaccine — a bit of pressure, no specific pain," says John Halamka, an emergency physician at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston.

He got chipped two years ago, "so that if I was ever in an accident, and arrived unconscious or incoherent at an emergency ward, doctors could identify me and access my medical history quickly." (A chipped person's medical profile can be continuously updated, since the information is stored on a database accessed via the Internet.)

Halamka thinks of his microchip as another technology with practical value, like his BlackBerry. But it's also clear, he says, that there are consequences to having an implanted identifier.

"My friends have commented to me that I'm 'marked' for life, that I've lost my anonymity. And to be honest, I think they're right."

Death Be Not Proud

Tammy Faye has passed on.

God only knows where to.

"My backpack's got jets..."

INSTANT CLASSIC - tonight!

Attention all people in the NYC area!

Tonight! At 9PM! Come check out the latest and greatest comedy show to hit the Triangle Below Canal Street!



Yes, that's right. INSTANT CLASSIC. Co-Host James Patterson is tearing it up in Montreal this week, so I'll be hosting solo and I'd love to see some friendly faces in the crowd. It's a great line-up, including:

Vince Averill!
Jay Bois!
Claudia Cogan!
Dan Curry!
And special guest:
Baron Vaughn!

As always, a splendid time is guaranteed for all.

Wednesday, July 18th
9PM
INSTANT CLASSIC
The Tank @ C:U
Downstairs
279 Church Street
NYC
$5!

Great comics. Cheap booze. And shelter from the storm.*

*Now with A/C!

See you tonight!

I love you all. Especially you.

Final Crisis

It's funny, but when I see this:



I hear this:




"...and still we stand tall..."

No, I don't plan on watching the show.

Celebreality. Will you never cease to amuse and entertain us?

Scott Baio answers the question of why he's 45 and single:

Here’s Scott’s account of his first time. “A friend’s apartment. First time…we’re on a couch that is corduroy, and I’m thinking this is really uncomfortable. This is not feeling good at all. And…and I mistook the couch for her. I was making love to a couch. Then all the sudden I found the mark…etc etc..”

By the way, that was Erin "Joanie" Moran's vagina he couldn't find.

And THAT is why Scott Baio is 45 and single.

Asked and answered.


Found via fark.com.

Tales from Astoria - part XII

Somewhere out in the streets of Astoria,
right now,
someone is blasting She's Like the Wind
at maybe 125 decibels.
At least.

It's Friday the 13th!

And you know what that means.

Tomorrow is Saturday the 14th.

You know, there was a time from the 70's through the early 80's when you couldn't make a quirky, off-beat comedy WITHOUT Richard Benjamin.

Which makes me wonder: Is Steve Carell basically the new Richard Benjamin?

Another Modest Proposal

via Laughing Liberally

I had such big plans

What I Had Planned For Today: A Helluva Lot.

What I Actually Did Today: NOT A Helluva Lot.

The Emperor Vaughn

Guess who's movin' on up to Comedy Central's Open Mic finals in LA...?

Baron Vaughn. King of the NYC Open Mic Fights.

Congrats. And God speed.

Also, good luck tonight to all my pals in Boston who are competing tonight.

Bastards.

More Time for Timer!

Miranda writes:

Yes, but did you survive the ABC After School Special that featured Timer?

Uh, no. I either don't remember it at all or I have completely blocked it from my memory. Terrifying.

You know, I watched all these PSA's as a kid and I don't think I ever realized that the freaky dude's name was actually Timer. I mean, I know that NOW. But when I was a kid, he was the wagon wheel "hanker for a hunk'a cheese" dude. And he was hella creepy.

What the hell is Timer, anyway?! For real. What was he supposed to be?

Here are the other PSA's:

Okay, this PSA? Is it really necessary? "Hey, kids! You better eat food or you'll die!" Maybe we were all idiots back then.



Timer kicks ass:



Then there's this one:



I admit. I actually made these a bunch of times. So many times, in fact, my mom got me Incredible Hulk Popsicle makers.



They never tasted as good as real Popsicles. NEVER. But I kept making 'em. Maybe I was an idiot.

Timer. Jeez. But seriously, what the hell is he?!

"...and yet won't spoil my dinner!"

We had the wierdest PSA when we were kids.

I love cheese as much as the next fella, but I never really thought of it as an energy booster. Just what were they putting in cheese back then?

"When my 10-gallon hat is feelin' 5 gallons flat...

...When my get-up-and-go has got up and went, I hanker for a hunk'a cheese."

CHEESE: the Viagra of the early 1980s.

Yeah. I'm THAT guy...

Fine.

Everyone else in the world is right and I'M wrong...

I hope you're happy.

"PING! PING! PING!" or iRant

"I googled you last night. You're not on the internets?"

I blinked, knowing already that this conversation was bound to be transcribed on a blog. Probably my blog. Maybe both our blogs? Oh, the irony.

"Um, I have a blog...?" I couldn't hide my own disdain of having to admit to such a thing.

"No, I found that..." He didn't have to finish. I knew what he meant.

"I know. I'm not on MySpace."

"FaceBook?"

"I know. I'm wrong."

I am not on MySpace and thus, I do not exist.

Long ago, I decided I wasn't into online stalking and so refused to join the online network that has launched a million friends and a thousand careers.

In trying to pitch scripts and book shows, I find that people actually prefer to do business through MySpace.

And I stubbornly refuse to join. Good call.

I hate that this is what has become of our culture. That this is what has become of me. Post-modernism has exploded into virtual meta-modernism. What was once normal, human social interaction now exists as a springboard for creating online content which then informs our real-world conversations which is then re-created and recycled once again online...

All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

Which sort of brings me to iPhones. I don't want to get all Ray Bradbury, but really? Why do I need to be able to listen to music and watch movies and YouTube clips of dancing cats on a tiny screen on a gadget that I also use to call my friends and check my e-mail?

Do I really need to be entertained AT ALL TIMES? As a culture, are we at the point where we just need constant stimulus? We can't even have conversations any more without simultaneously texting. Do I really NEED a device that does everything, all at once? Do we really need a non-stop barrage of entertainment, everywhere we go?

We're creating an iCulture of isolation under the pretense of keeping everyone connected through technology. And more and more, we rely on our gadgets to do all our work for us.

I came to a horrible realization one night when I accidentally left my apartment without my cell phone: I don't know ANYONE'S number. If something happened to me, I could call my folks (who live in another state)...and my own phone. That's it. I don't even know my best friend's number. I would be unable to reach ANYONE without my own phone, the keeper of all my contacts.

Terrifying.

We're at the point where our TVs can think and our cars can park themselves!

This is how the machines take over.

I dunno. I realize I'm rambling like some kind of curmudgeonly paranoid lunatic living in a Montana shack. But sometimes, I want to be off the grid. Sometimes, I like being off the grid.

Put down the iBox. Go outside. Look around. Live in the real world. Just for a little bit.

Sigh. I have to join MySpace, don't I?

07.07.07

Filthy Hippies!

Do you believe in science?

How about reality?

Do you believe that the global climate might - in fact - be changing for the worse? Perhaps you've been feeling a bit warmer this summer.

Wanna do something about it?

You don't even have to do much to help. Just pledge to make a small change in the way you live.

Today, on the seventh day of the week, on the seventh day of the seventh month in the seventh year of the new millennium...

...you can try to make a change.

Check out Live Earth.

"More Than Meets The Eye"

The Transformers movie?




I was always more of a G.I.Joe guy than a Transformers fan, so I had no real expectations, but this big, summer spectacle hit the right geek notes and even managed a few nice little character flourishes.

And although he's being humble about it, I will gladly give all the credit for any sparkling nuggets of intelligence in the flick to John Rogers.

***SOME SPOILERS FOLLOW***

I especially liked the skillful way in which a sharp distinction was made between the hooah grunts of the on-the-ground military and the not-quite-villainous-but-misguided secretive military industrial complex led by John Turturo. I'm gonna go out on a limb and give Rogers some geek creds for that smooth move. Because, you know, he hates America so much.


Other highlights:

The Middle East battle sequences were some of the best in the movie.

Big Michael Bay 'splosions.

Julie White as Sam's mom was hilarious. Kudos to the whole team for making the human family stuff funny and not so annoying.


Megan Fox. Nice job, casting folks.

And of course, as soon as you hear Peter Cullen booming, gravelly voice say, "I am Optimus Prime..."

...well, if you ever watched the cartoon as a kid, you'll get little geek goosebumps.

Also, the (machine-)man-crush friendship between Bumblebee and Sam totally works and melts your geek heart.

Although, it is a bit disconcerting to think that Sam and Mikaela are totally getting busy on Bumblebee's hood. While all the Autobots watch.

Seriously.

I mean, I know they were going for that sentimental/poignant/happy ending, but it still leaves the audience with an almost creepy image of two teenagers snuggling on the hood of their giant robot friend, using him as a love seat, while automated alien robots silently leer at them in the setting sun. Creepy.

Yeah. There were some logic problems, not the least of which was - aside from giving Sam some end-of-the-movie heroics - why would HE have to run the Cube to the top of the building when the GIANT FLYING ROBOTS are far better suited for the job?

And, um, why would they keep Megatron and the Cube in the same place? Seems like a pretty big risk, if something went wrong. Moreover, while I love the idea of a secret base under the Hoover Dam...come on. You need to keep Megatron frozen. Why would you bring him to the desert?

Also, I kind of wanted Megatron to be a little more well-defined. And a little more distinctive.

By the way, Jazz getting ripped in two? The black dude always dies...

But still, a great summer action flick with plenty of big 'splosions and giant robots kicking ass and some genuinely nice character moments. Oh, and it's FUN.

Now, I know some conservatives have jumped on the bandwagon because the Autobots have come here to protect humanity from evil. Some have pointed out that Optimus Prime's belief that "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings" sounds just like the President!

Except, that's from 20 years ago. From the cartoon. You know, that thing that caters to children. And expresses ideas in universal, simplistic, easy-to-understand terms. For children.

I think it's less that the cartoon character speaks like "W" and more like "W" speaks like a cartoon character.

At least he picked a good one to model himself after...

Also, at the end of the movie, the government SHUTS DOWN the super-secret Sector 7 for causing more problems than they solve...so, you know, Rogers kind of reminds you where he stands on the issue.

While we're on the subject, John Rogers is taking donations for Fisher House, which provides homes for the families of wounded service members. He's matching donations.

Read his stuff. Make a donation. Support a good cause. Do some good.

Freedom Fest!

Hey, people who live in or around New York City! Come on out to Tribeca tonight for:

THE SCOOTER LIBBY FREEDOM FEST!

With hot dogs, drinks, dancing, party games (of course)
and the comedy of BENARI POULTEN & LEE CAMP.

Friday July 6th (the President's actual birthday)
8pm (The President's actual bedtime)
The Tank @ C:U - 279 Church Street
Free - like Iraq*
(* There may be hidden costs)

"Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive...it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it..."

America is a country born from revolution. It is our very nature to question authority and rebel against those who seek power over us. Our forefathers basically endured injustice until they felt compelled to do something about it. They stood up to King George and said, to paraphrase another great American, "I takes all I can stands, 'til I can't stands no more."

Imagine how different the world would be if the Colonists just kept taking the abuse...

So on this, the day we celebrate America's independence from tyranny, let's take a moment to reflect on just what led the nation's founders to spark a revolution. Lucky for us,
they were pretty articulate. I'd say they made a pretty good case for themselves. I've bolded some interesting points that jumped out at me...

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Happy 4th of July! Enjoy the burgers and hot dogs of freedom!

Kanye + Daft Punk + Akira = AWESOME

Thanks, Kevin. I now have this song stuck in my head 24/7.

"This isn't even the
WORST movie we've
ever made."



I had two immediate thoughts upon seeing trailers for the upcoming movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry."


1. Ugh.

2. Why didn't I think of this? I totally could've written this.


Don't look at me like that. It beats getting a real job.

Someone, please read my spec scripts and hire me! Please...

NY POST-er boy

Don't mean to brag, but I just happen to be quoted AGAIN in the NY Post. I'm becoming something of a subject matter expert 'round these parts, no?

No, probably not. But still.

Pick up a copy of the NY Post. Turn to pages 77-78.

Enjoy the hilarity of true stories of NYC catcalls.

Here's my li'l contribution. It's one of the reasons I love the NYC subways.

* And That's Just What They'll Tell Their Grandchildren, Too

A crowded F train pulls into the West Fourth Street stop, and a very attractive woman in a business suit steps in. Immediately, she catches the attention of a young gentleman who looks like Snoop Dogg and sounds like Busta. He cries out, "Damn, your booty fine!" and then proceeds to expound upon this thought, unleashing a veritable tidal wave of nonstop street poetry, describing every last detail of how fine her body was and just what he would do to it, given the chance. For five stops. Finally, at York Street, she casually rises, puts a finger to his lips and hushes him, slips her number into his hand and remarks, "You had me at, 'Damn, your booty fine.'" And with that, she disappears into the cool, Brooklyn night air. I like to think they're married now.

- Benari Poulten, 29, Manhattan

Thanks again, Mandy!

double post fun

Yeah. That's right. I posted the same exact thing elsewhere.

It's a zillion degrees out today. This is what you get.


What a predicament. Dick Cheney, the Vice President of the United States, has declared that he is actually a part of the legislative branch (despite what Article II of the United States Constitution says) and therefore exempt from having to comply with an executive order (which President Bush updated 4 years ago) to safeguard classified documents and turn them over to the National Archives.

And yet, the classified documents his office is hiding just might offer history its most important and illuminating glimpse into the inner workings of this administration.

And while I support Representative Rahm Emmanuel's move to cut the VP's executive branch funding, it still doesn't address just HOW to wrest the records from his icy cold grip.

If only the Congress could come up with some kind of plan that they know the Vice President already agrees with.

If only the government ran some kind of...secret, warrantless wiretapping program. Where the merest suspicion of wrongdoing could lead to a complete and thorough review of all materials, documents, and/or records...

Either that, or dispatch a Jack Bauer-like agent to "persuade" him to turn over the records. That always works.

Hey, since you've read this far, swing by The tank tonight at 8PM if you're in the neighborhood. And you haven't melted into the sidewalk.

I guess we have different definitions

When I think of "Power Couples," I think of such legendary romantic team-ups like:

Bogie & Bacall.
Bill & Hillary.
Beyonce & Jay-Z.
Johnson & Johnson.

But according to this "Yahoo Headline" report from LiveScience.com, I guess power couples aren't all that...powerful?

More than half of all "power couples," in which both spouses are college graduates, live in large metropolitan areas. Researchers have long assumed the couples migrate to the cities.

"...'power couples,' in which both spouses are college graduates..."


A college graduate? Really? That's all it takes to be part of a power couple? For real?

Hm.

Because I'm a college graduate. Twice over, actually. And, um...it's not all that filled with power.

But perhaps some lucky lady out there - one with a sparkly college degree - can change all that.

Ladies?

It's been a busy day for the High Court

Supreme Court tells US Taxpayers: "You can't tell the government what to do with YOUR money!"

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that ordinary taxpayers cannot challenge a White House initiative that helps religious charities get a share of federal money.

High Court rules that organizations with lots of money can say whatever they want...

...but students can't!

"every other day of the week is fine..."

Mondays. Argh.

Stumbled upon this little nugget of internet fun and I thought I would share, because that's the kind of guy I am. Or "yam," in this case:

Popeye vs. Hulk

Charming and stylish, it's a pretty complete tale of triumph and defeat, love and lust, power and pride. And then, after a lengthy, origin-style set-up, it's lots of fighty-time goodness.



I particularly like M. Rasheed's cartoonish slickness. The evocative expressions of the titular sailor man exude a joyful energy and his Sal Buscema-esque Hulk reminds me of just how much I adored the Mantlo-Buscema era of the Incredible Hulk.

The comic perhaps goes on a bit too long, Olive Oyl comes off a little - ahem - flat, and I'm not crazy about phrases like: "...the sailor's weird reality-altering powers...." And I can't say I totally agree with the ending, but it does wrap up neatly and it's definitely worth a read.

If this were a story from the Mantlo-Buscema run, it would have ended with the Hulk beating Popeye, but Olive rejecting him ayway, standing by her man and tending to her wounded sailor. Confused, the Hulk would amble off into the cold night air, wondering what he did wrong, thinking sadly to himself, "Maybe Hulk doesn't want to be left alone, after all..."

An important message from Kevin Church

Because we like to drink.

I like crazy girls

I always kind of knew I liked crazy chicks, but I had no idea that my ideal superhero gal would be CAH-RAZY.




Aurora and Black Canary are my runner-ups, I guess.

Via Patrick.

Is J from C the Beyonder?

Anyone watching HBO's new series, John From Cincinnati?

I get the whole "John from Cincinnati could possibly equal the Big JC" thing, but as a comic book geek, I couldn't have been the only one who thought he might also resemble a certain someone else from Beyond.

Does

equal

?

If all the surfers end up fighting some kind of secret war on a battle planet, we'll know for sure.

It's been a long time...

Yeah, so.

To everyone that hasn't heard from me in weeks:

I was at Ft. Meade in Maryland. Getting up to speed on all the latest and greatest in military propag...er, Public Affairs.

I have a lot of catching up to do. Too much to comment on regarding the past three weeks, so le's just start fresh, shall we?

Item #1: Show tomorrow night at the Tank.

Item #2: Actual conversation regarding my future as a dramatic writer:

Mom: You don't really want to be Arthur Miller, do you?

Me: No. I want to be Stan Lee!

There you have it, true believers! Regular content will now resume.

Excelsior!

radio silence

Doing Army stuff. That's where I've been. I'd say more, but...you know the rest.

So, in lieu of content, here's photographic evidence of me rocking out the 'Roke at Sam's wedding, courtesy of Tim.

INSTANT CLASSIC - tonight!

THIS WEEK:

DJ HAZARD!

OPHIRA EISENBERG!

SUSAN PREKEL!

MAX SILVESTRI!

Special guest appearance by Michael Mattera!

You should see it. It will be funny.

LOL MINT ;(

To completely KILL the meme dead, the latest geek news in LOLZ form:



(and check out Kevin's LOLTREK for more meme-killing goodness)

Giuliani Trades Growl for Smile, Frightens Children

"The sunlight, it burns! Hssssss!"

Memorial Day 07

To those who have served and to those who continue to serve.

We cherish too, the Poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led,
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies.

-Moina Michael

Wolfowitz ironically blames Media

Not enough Jews running the bank OR the media, apparently.

Wolfowitz blames media for resignation

Departing World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz in a radio interview broadcast Monday blamed an overheated atmosphere at the bank and in the media for forcing him to resign.

Wolfowitz, who has announced he will step down June 30, denied suggestions that his decision to leave was influenced by an apparent lack of support from the bank's employees.

"I think it tells us more about the media than about the bank and I'll leave it at that," he told the British Broadcasting Corp.

STAR WARS is 30 years old today

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."


30 years ago today, STAR WARS hit the big screen.

I would argue that no other movie has had as great an impact on a culture.

To honor the event, I present to you my all-time favorite PSA, starring C-3PO and R2-D2. There is more pathos and character development in this 60 second Public Service Announcement than in the entirety of the prequels.

Fun tidbits:

Just what was C-3PO working on when he realizes R2 is missing?

In the very first Gottlieb & Oddsson sketch we ever wrote - one of our most famous thank gladys sketches - I stole the line "Gottlieb, you're on fire!" from this very PSA. Now it can be told!

I think the end of this ad is kind of poignant.

Also, I can't prove this, but I'm pretty sure this PSA is the reason why I never smoked cigarettes.





"R2, do you really think I don't have a heart?"

Fight for my amusement, Geeks!

What was the first rule of Fight Club again...?

From USA TODAY:

Fight club draws techies for bloody underground beatdowns

MENLO PARK, Calif. (AP) — They may sport love handles and Ivy League degrees, but every two weeks some Silicon Valley techies turn into vicious street brawlers in a real-life, underground fight club.

Kicking, punching and swinging every household object imaginable — from frying pans and tennis rackets to pillowcases stuffed with soda cans — they beat each other mercilessly in a garage in this bedroom community south of San Francisco.

Then, bloodied and bruised, they limp back to their desks in the morning.

"When you get beat down enough, it becomes a very un-macho thing," said Shiyin Siou, 34, a Santa Clara software engineer and three-year veteran of the clandestine fights. "But I don't need this to prove I'm macho — I'm macho enough as it is."

Inspired by the 1999 film Fight Club, starring Brad Pitt and Ed Norton, underground bare-knuckle brawling clubs have sprung up across the country as a way for desk jockeys and disgruntled youths to vent their frustrations and prove themselves.

"This is as close as you can get to a real fight, even though I've never been in one," the soft-spoken Siou said.

Despite his reserved demeanor, he daydreams about inflicting pain on an attacker. "I have fantasies about it," he said.

Gee, that quote doesn't sound like it was taken out of context at all.

Let's skip down the article a bit.

Whoops! Looks like someone just broke the first rule of Fight Club:

Gints Klimanis, a 37-year-old software engineer and martial arts instructor, started the invitation-only "Gentlemen's Fight Club" in Menlo Park in 2000 after his no-holds-barred sessions with a training partner grew to more than a dozen people. Most participants are men working in the high-tech industry.

Oh Gints. If that is your real name. Why, Gints? Why would you start a Fight Club?

"You get to be a superhero for a night," Klimanis said. "We have to go to work every day. We're constantly told to buy things we don't need, and just for a couple hours we have the freedom to do what we want to do."

Ah, yes. The money shot of quotes. Now the reporter can tie in adolescent power fantasies and take the opportunity to bash comic books, cartoons, board games, role playing games, video games, make-believe...pretty much anything that gives kids joy.

Men involved in fight clubs often carry bottled-up violent impulses learned in childhood from video games, cartoons and movies, said Michael Messner, a University of Southern California sociology and gender studies professor.

"Boys have these warrior fantasies picked up from popular culture, and schools sort of force that out of them," he said. In these fantasies, "The good guys always resort to violence, and they always get the glory and the women."

Nice. Yeah, children LEARN violence from movies and TV. And video games. I'm sure they could never learn anything about violence by LOOKING AT THE WORLD AROUND THEM. Because we live in a peaceful utopia. Free from violent impulses.

Kids in no way pick up warrior fantasies from something like, say, A GLOBAL WAR ON TERRORISM.

Note to Michael Messner: you are a jackass. Pop culture is generally used as an OUTLET. Y'know, a safe alternative way to explore human beings' INHERENT violent and sexual tendencies. It's a reflection of culture. Sometimes a dark reflection, but a reflection, nonetheless. But please, keep perpetuating the myth that "make-believe" is bad. Kids are violent because of video games. Right. Jackass.

The other disturbing thing about this article is how it kind of mocks these guys for being geeks. Like, look at these computer nerds trying to act like real men. Once again, geeks can't win. I say, if they want fight each other in some underground, clandestine club, let them.

Let the geeks fight!

Until, of course, someone gets really hurt. Then it's totally not cool...