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Born today:

King Alexander III of Scotland (1241), Wanli, Emperor of China (1563), John Dillon(1851), Paul Harvey (1918), Dick York (1928), Mitzi Gaynor (1931), Damon Wayans (1960), Mike Piazza (1968), Beyoncé Knowles (1981), Beetle Bailey (1950), and the Edsel (1957)!


And, in 1977...

Me.

Mel Gibson Apology Redux - Variant Edition * NOW IN COLOR!

Such a busy week, I'm afraid I don't really have time to keep up my cyber presence. But will I let you, my faithful reader* go without new content? I see thee nay!

So, instead of an all-new post, I'm going to try something a little different. I'm putting up a repeat post (from a few weeks ago)...

BUT!

This one's a special ultra rare collector's item variant edition! Director's Cut! With special features!!

Boy, I sure am getting a whole lot of mileage out of this whole "Mel Gibson hates Jews" thing. As a Jew, it troubles me deeply. As a comic, I am exceedingly grateful.


Read on...

Wow. Mel Gibson sure was serious when he said he would reach out to the Jewish community and ask for forgiveness. Look what he's sending out to every single Jew in the world, ever**:

Dear Jew,

I'm sorry!

Please accept my sincerest regret that you will spend eternity in Hell.

Your Pal,

Mel

I got mine this morning. Pretty sweet. Good ol' Mel will have things patched up with the Jews in no time!

*Ross

**Yes, there is a list of all the Jews in the world, ever. It's for, um...research.

***This was based on Ross' brilliant idea.**

***SPECIAL BONUS MEL GIBSON MATERIAL***

Here's the Mel Gibson bit I've been doing onstage:

What happened with Mel Gibson? He went from zero to crazy in two beers. he wasn't even being pulled over for being Anti-Semetic! The cop pulls him over and Mel just goes nuts. "Do you know who I am? I hate the Jews, that's who I am!!" Guy ruined his career.

...which is exactly as the Jews planned it.

movin' on up.

Last two shows have been fantastic, finished the first draft of a full-length play, and I'm moving to a new apartment this week. Indeed, I shall soon be a city boy.

So, it's been a tad bit busy. But on the plus side:

I'm movin' on up!

comedy (again) tonight!!

9:30pm: Laughing With the Enemy - $10

From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."


Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.

Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.

Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.

Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials.

9:30PM
$10!!!!
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)

Call: 1-800-838-3006
Click here for tickets:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5819

Make sure you select the 9:30PM show!!

"The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes."

For anyone following Who Wants To Be A Superhero?...a eulogy.

I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts:
I am no orator, as Scipio is;

simply click here and choke back the tears

O! now you weep, and I perceive you feel
The dint of pity; these are gracious drops.

Has ever a reality show before inspired such poetry?

background music

Lots of writing this weekend.

Which means iPod shuffle! Here are the last 10 songs:

Country House - Blur

I remember hearing this song years and years ago - right when this album came out - late one night on college radio. The song stuck in my head, but no one had heard it or knew what I was talking about. This was long before Google brought every scrap of information ever right to your brain instantly. I had to actually hunt down this song and figure out who the hell this British-band-that-was-not-Oasis was! Using only my weak powers of imitation and near-ability to carry a vague tune. I finally found some music geek who figured out I was talking about Blur. Then the song became kind of a hit. And then Blur had Song #2 and everyone knew Blur. Woo. Hoo. This is still my favorite Blur tune.

Serial Killa - Snoop Dogg

'Sup, fool. I totally dig Snoop Dogg. I just love 'im. This either makes me incredibly cool or incredibly white.

Ain't That A Shame - Fats Domino

Fats Domino - the Snoop Dogg of the 1950s? Discuss.

Fine Again - Seether

One Hit Wonder! Very catchy pseudo-angsty alterna-shite.

Oliver's Army - Elvis Costello

"Oliver's Army is in my head!
Can't get the tune out, it's stuck in my head!"*

*To the tune of "Oliver's Army"...of course.

Valouria - Pixies

Bossanova. Better album than Surfer Rosa? Discuss.

For No One - The Beatles

This is one of the most elegant songs ever written. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Revolver. Better album than Sgt. Pepper? Discuss.

Funky Fresh Dressed - Missy Elliot

Is there a better, all-around hip-hop artist?

Just having Missy Elliot on my iPod makes me that much hipper. I also realize that the above statement makes me that much less hip.

Truth Doesn't Make a Noise - The White Stripes

This gritty, bluesy, moody, hard-edged song is from De Stijl, the great and underrated album before their breakthrough White Blood Cells album.

Love this album. Love this band. You can say whatever you want about her limited abilities as a drummer - or lack thereof - but this is still a great band. Just admit it already.

Ready To Go - Republica

I feel like I'm in a Gap commercial. Didn't they use this song in a Hyndai ad?

This is the original mix, which starts with a cool soft piano intro before easing into the thumping house beat...wait, I have Republica on my iPod?!


******BONUS SONG PLAYING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS******

Black Hole Sun - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé!!!

This fantastic lounge version is from the inconsistent Lounge-A-Palooza album. If you don't innately understand how amazing Steve and Eydie singing Black Hole Sun is, then there's nothing more I can do for you.

It is sublime.

I know, I know...

It's been mad here. We're all mad here.

On the plus side, I will not be homeless next week.

More writing later.

In the meantime, here's an announcement from me:

Friends and assorted riff-raff,

Monday Night at 9:30PM I'm doing an awesome show that you will like. Details below. But first...

Tonight:

I'm doing a quick, last-minute opening spot at Sweet Paprika. Tonight. It's a 10:30 show and one of the best in the city. $5 gets you a whole lotta comedy!

Sweet Paprika!

101 E. 15th St., Union Sq. East, the D-Lounge, basement.

Then, on Monday Night:

I'm doing a very special show on Monday night at 9:30pm called "Laughing with the Enemy". 3 conservative comics. 3 Liberal comics. And TWO Jews in the military!! One is in the Army (me). One is a Marine. One is Enlisted (me). One is an Officer. One is a Veteran of Enduring Freedom (me). One is a Veteran of Iraqi Freedom. Which one is funnier (me)? YOU can help decide!

Please feel free to forward this to anyone else you might think would be interested!


8/28 - 9:30pm: Special Show: Laughing With the Enemy - $10
From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."
Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.
Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.
Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.
Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials.

9:30PM
$10!!!!
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)

Call: 1-800-838-3006
Click here for tickets:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5819

Make sure you select the 9:30PM show!!



Hope to see you there!

B.

Upcoming Shows

Nothing fancy, just some pimpin'.

Tomorrow night, I'll be at Rififi. The awesomely awesome Drink at Work crew runs a great show on Mondays at the Ace of Clubs. This summer, they've expanded to Tuesdays at Rififi and I will be on tomorrow night's show, along with an avalanche of comedic talent. An avalanche! And it's only Free!

Drink at Work Presents SUMMER TUESDAYS
8:00 P.M.
Rififi
332 East 11th Street

Tuesday, August 22

Host: Andres du Bouchet

Performing:
Dan Bialek (LA)
Nate Bargatze
Nick Cobb
Myka Fox
Benari Poulten
Eliza Faria Santos
and sketch group Lolabrigada

Thursday night, I'll be at Bar None for a 10pm show. That one could quickly degenerate into a bar brawl, so come check it out if you're into that sort of thing.

Desperate Times

I do have a couple of shows coming up, which I will pimp soon.

But I've, ah, been a little busy this past week. To be honest, I'm kind of in crisis mode.

The upshot is this: If you know of any good leads on an apartment in the New York City area, drop me a line.

Thanks.

"Rocky Five....Thousand"

Suddenly that lame joke in Space Balls is a little closer to coming true.

Noah mentioned the upcoming Rocky Balboa movie and while I commented on it there, I figure it's worth posting here, since I'm in the middle of writing scripts...and I clearly can't focus.

Rocky Balboa.

All I know is, it's only worth making if Rocky dies at the end.

Why make a movie about a geriatric Rocky if he doesn't go out in a toothless blaze of glory?

Also, it seems like they have a pretty boring "threat" for Rocky to face. Too bad this movie's opponent in no way looks as awesome as Apollo Creed. Or Mr. T. Definitely nowhere near as badass and insanely awesome as Drago. Rocky kind of needs a kickass nemesis to fight and it doesn't look like this guy's anything other than a young, hotshot punk boxer. Come on. Have you seen the other Rocky movies?! I'd rather see him fight Soda Popinski from Mike Tyson's Punchout than pretend there's a real challenge to Rocky from some young, unknown fake "champion" boxer. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far.

On a positive note:

I'm glad it's called Rocky Balboa. It would have been a mistake to call it Rocky VI. Because, as we all know, Rocky V does not exist. Never happened.

Rocky fought Drago and ended the Cold War and that's how the Rocky series ended.

Friends don't let friends write tired...

Not quite sure where I was going with it when it happened, but I've been trying to catch up on all the writing I haven't been doing this summer and while writing at 1:30 in the morning, I kinda fell asleep mid-sentence.

JACK

And you're never mad at us for whatever it is you're mad at us for. Suddenly I'm trying to make the dish out to eb

It starts off perfectly fine. And I think the second sentence kind of almost makes sense at the beginning, but then...

um. Never write tired, kids. It's taken me far more time today to try to figure out what the hell I was talking about than it would have taken me to just start fresh today.

That's my lesson today.

And, uh, stay in school.

louder than bombs

As chaos engulfs the Holy Land, The Lord Almighty reveals proof of a higher a power...and a wicked sense of humor:

The breast job that saved a life
Hospital: Shrapnel from rocket lodged in implants, sparing Israeli woman

JERUSALEM - An Israeli woman's breast implants saved her life when she was wounded in a Hezbollah rocket attack during Israel's war with the Lebanese group, a hospital spokesman said Tuesday.

Doctors found shrapnel embedded in the silicone implants, just inches from the 24-year-old’s heart.

Also, we'd like pictures please. For, um, research purposes.

In other twisted-but-hilarious-it's-so-sad-it's-funny news from that region:

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip - Nahed Ghurani worried that naming his new son Hezbollah might cause the boy problems when he grows up. But young Hezbollah Ghurani won’t be the only Palestinian in this predicament.

In a spasm of celebration for Hezbollah’s monthlong battle against Israel, many parents in Gaza City have named their children after the Islamic militant group and its leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah.

...

“It’s a hope for victory that encourages women to do this,” maternity ward nurse Fiza Zaanin said.

“Just like when women named their children Saddam when he promised to destroy Israel,” she explained, referring to ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein who launched missiles at Israel during the first Gulf War.

Thanks, crazy moms. I wonder what those kids are gonna grow up to be.

I hope the kids rebel. Giving these young'uns hate-filled names might be just the thing that finally drives them to become peaceniks. Out of spite, of course. It would be awesome if one of them grew up to lead a successful peace movement.

"Now accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, Hamas Jihad."

Stan Lee says...

"A super hero never reveals his secret identity."





I just wish the current writers, artists, and editors over at Marvel watched Who Wants To Be A Superhero.

1 down, 8 more lives to go?

Sad news from the hardened streets of Brooklyn.

One of New York's feline finest has fallen in the line of duty.

Undercover Kitty died tragically after being hit by a car. It seems that even the strong paw of justice is no match for traffic.

NEW YORK -- Fred the Undercover Kitten, who gained fame this winter by posing as a would-be patient to help police nab a phony veterinarian, has died.

The 15-month-old tabby was killed last week when he wandered into traffic and was run over by a car, according to the Brooklyn district attorney's office.

Fred was a rescued stray when he was enlisted by law enforcement in February.

An undercover investigator posing as Fred's owner summoned the suspect to an apartment rigged with a hidden camera and pretended the kitten needed to be neutered. The man was arrested as he left carrying Fred in a box and cash for the operation.

Fred got his due at a news conference, where he sported a tiny badge on his collar. ``He's pretty easygoing, a real Brooklyn guy," his caretaker, prosecutor Carol Moran, said at the time.

On Wednesday, Fred ran out Moran's back door while she was attending to two dogs. Neighbors later found his body in the road.

Fred had been ``preparing for a new career in education," the district attorney's office said.

I suspect foul play.

Look what I got in the mail!

Wow. Mel Gibson sure was serious when he said he would reach out to the Jewish community and ask for forgiveness. Look what he's sending out to every single Jew in the world, ever*:

Dear Jew,

I'm sorry!

Please accept my sincerest regret that you will spend eternity in Hell.

Your Pal,

Mel

I got mine this morning. Pretty sweet. Good ol' Mel will have things patched up with the Jews in no time!

*Yes, there is a list of all the Jews in the world, ever. It's for, um...research.

**This was based onRoss' brilliant idea.**

I knew it!

The cops won't release the Mel Gibson tapes of his infamous arrest.

Authorities have refused to release video and audio tapes of Mel Gibson's drunken driving arrest, saying the material is part of an "investigatory file" and exempt from the California Public Records Act.

Which means that the tapes DO exist.

Audio and video.

There is no way that these tapes are not hilarious.

I daresay they may be the most hilarious tapes ever recorded.

We wants them.

back

I was away, but now I have returned.

Army weekend.

Most surreal moment of my car trip home:

Driving back - in uniform - and singing out loud to The Beatles' All You Need Is Love.

I am subversive.

War is over. If you want it.

Something something. Peace.

My iPod says a lot about me

The Onion has a section where they have someone famous listen to their iPod on shuffle and then talk about the songs. And no cheating, skipping the embarrassing songs.

I'm not famous (yet) but I do have an iPod. And I've been listening to it on shuffle while I work on this script. And instead of continuing to work on my script, like I should be doing, I will share the first seven songs I've heard.

Monkey Gone To Heaven - Pixies

You either like the Pixies or you are an ass.

Hush - Deep Purple

This song will now be stuck in my head for two days.

Que Sera, Sera/You Oughta Know - The Dan Band

This is from a concert CD of The Dan Band, which is the band that plays the hilarious "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at Frank's wedding in the movie Old School. Yes, I have The Dan Band on my iPod. Love me.

I Love You, Baby - Brak

Brak, from Space Ghost. Singing. Love me more.

Soap Star Joe - Liz Phair

Liz Phair is the kind of gal I love...because I'm also a little afraid of her.

Black and White World - Elvis Costello & the Attractions

I'll always be jealous of Danny, who got to meet him. Bastard.

Manifest/Outro - The Fugees

This reminds me - I really need to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Maybe I'll rent it tonight and watch that instead of finishing this script...

SPECIAL BONUS SONGS THAT PLAYED WHILE TYPING THIS VERY POST:

Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

Shut up.

Transformer - Gnarls Barkley

This song rocks. As my good friend Baron says, if they don't use this song in the upcoming Transformers movie, they are stupid, stupid people.

Tomorrow Never Knows - The Beatles

Frankly, I'm surprised it took this long for my iPod to play a Beatles song.

More Mel-odrama

From Mel Gibson's latest apology:

The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God's child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.

I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.

I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.

Lucky for Mel, I'm sure there will be plenty of sympathetic, charitable Jewish leaders who will take him up on his offer of help. And then he can go right back to making his cracks about Jews, but this time he can defend himself: "I can say that. I have a lot of Jewish friends, now!"

It's nice that Mel wants Jews to help him get over his bigotry - ahem, I mean, alcoholism. But I have to ask: If he believes so strongly in whatever it is that he believes, why can't his awesome religion help him through this, his darkest hour?

On Mel Gibson

Had a chance to work on some new material last night, including some topical stuff which I think will have a shelf-life of five minutes ago. So, I figured I'd share my little Mel Gibson joke that I wrote this weekend. PS: It worked quite well last night.

It's always tough for my people. We've got Israel and Lebanon and now this Mel Gibson thing. Mel Gibson gets busted for a DUI and completely has a meltdown. Just throws his career away. He called the cop "sugar tits" and just started ranting about the Jews. "The Jews start all the wars!" "Fucking Jews." "It's all the Jews' fault - you...you a fucking a Jew?!"

I mean, he completey ruined his career.

Which is exactly how the Jews planned it.