Captain, My Captain

Non-comic book readers, I'm not surprised. In a chaotic and contentious political climate, the "death" of a pop culture icon embodying American ideals is perfect fodder for vapid debate.

But Geeks. I'm surprised at you. No, not surprised.

Disappointed.

Must you take part in the feeding frenzy? Must you so easily be suckered in to the morbid spectacle of today's comic book blood lust? Surely you understand the mechanics of how comic books work. Over-hyped events and "shocking" twists to drive up sales and generate vigorous message board discussions...

As these events cater more and more to a rapidly shrinking fan base, I have to wonder: you must remember the last time Captain America was "killed" ... only to triumphantly return.

Or the time before that.

Or the time Steve Rogers resigned as Captain America...only to triumphantly return issues later.

Or the time before that, when Captain America fought the Red Skull to the "death." They both "died" that time...

Or that time in the 70s when Steve Rogers quit...

Or that one time, when the entire world knew that Steve Rogers was Captain America, so he very publicly faked his death to protect his secret identity. Even Nick Fury cried.

Hm. That last one there...

Anyway. Point is, these are funny books. And funny books are melodramatic, bombastic, sensationalized...an over-the-top, hyper-fictionalized world of "kick/'splode!" If you will.

The New York Times wants to run a front page story on the death of Captain America...hey, they're the suckers, not me. But we, as Geeks, shouldn't buy into that. We've already traveled these well-worn roads before and we all know where they lead.

I guess in today's culture, it's more important to mourn the fake death of a fictional icon...rather than muster up the moral outrage over true life tragedy or real world deaths.

You can't kill Captain America.

Captain America is an idea.

And, to quote V for Vendetta, "...ideas are bulletproof."

"Funny story about how you were born..."

From the wires:

A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the costs of raising her child.

The complaint was filed by Jennifer Raper, 45, last week in Suffolk Superior Court and still must be screened by a special panel before it can proceed to trial.

Raper claimed in the three-page medical malpractice suit that she found out she was pregnant in March 2004 and decided to have an abortion for financial reasons.

Dr. Allison Bryant, a physician working for Planned Parenthood at the time, performed the procedure on April 9, 2004, but it "was not done properly, causing the plaintiff to remain pregnant," according to the complaint.

Raper then went to see Dr. Benjamin Eleonu at Boston Medical Center in July 2004, and he failed to detect the pregnancy even though she was 20 weeks pregnant at the time, the lawsuit alleges.

It was only when Raper went to the New England Medical Center emergency room for treatment of pelvic pain in late September that year that she found out she was pregnant, the suit said.

She gave birth to a daughter on Dec. 7, 2004.

She is seeking damages, including child-rearing costs.

Wow. Can't wait until that little girl starts asking about how she was born.

THAT'S going to be an awkward conversation.

idle, plug

Quick little plug for a show I'm doing tomorrow night. I'm a geek panelist on a show called Comic Book Club, which is kind of like what the Geek Council was, only specifically all about comic books. If you're in NYC and/or a geek, come check out the show. Should be a blast.

Details:

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesdays @ 9:30 PM

March 6:
Jesse Falcon (VP of Product Development, Marvel Ent.)
Benari Poulten (Air America, Town Hall)
And Musical Guest Corn Mo!

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

Check us out on MySpace:
http://www.myspace.com/comicbookclub3

The show is sponsored in part by Midtown Comics (www.midtowncomics.com)!

******************
Check it out, Comic Book Club was written up in the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/12/arts/12spar.html

Uncle Sam Wants YOU...to rethink that slogan

Sarge: Private! Charlie's advancing. Set up that blockade, then fall back to the rear!

PVT Snuffy: Think that wall will hold, Sarge?

Sarge: It'll hold.

PVT Snuffy: I don't know if it's that strong, Sarge.

Sarge: It's strong enough. It's Army strong.

Attention Democratic Party

Nobel Peace Prize nominee and OSCAR WINNER Al Gore.

These are the jokes - last week of February '07

Britney Spears has finally answered the question, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

Gambia's President is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. He also claims to have a pet unicorn and a magical bridge to Terabithia.

Tuesday night's episode of American Idol became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart,” to which Seacrest replied “Don't call me 'sweetheart.' I don't want that kind of relationship.” Don’t worry, though; the make-up sex was awesome.

Superboy vs...

Lex Luger!!!



This is sublime on so, so many levels.

My sister's in a show!

And you should see her. Because she's awesome.


Friday February 23rd and Saturday February 24th. 8PM.

Hunter College, Lang Recital Hall on 68th St. and Lexington.
North Building. 4th Floor.
$10


What's the show? Oh, it's, um...

The Vagina Monologues


So, yes. That's where I'll be tonight at 8. Watching my sister talk about her...um, vagina.

I can only imagine the google hits I get on that.

After, come on over to the D-Lounge and hear me say funny things into a microphone.

And no more talk about my sister's...you know.

But see the show.

Support Joe Rogan

I wrote this play recently, Taking the Bullet, about struggling stand-up comics. And, naturally, one of the central conflicts revolves around joke stealing - a subject that's been receiving some much deserved attention lately.

And, as others have pointed out, this week saw Joe Rogan confront Carlos Mencia live onstage.



God bless Joe Rogan for standing up for the integrity of hardworking, honest comics everywhere.

And what does he get for having the balls to publicly call out Ned Holness (Mencia's real name)? What does Joe get for calling Mencia a thief and liar - to his face?

Joe's asked to "take a break from the Comedy Store" and he gets dropped by his agent.

It's still about dollars and cents. Mencia has the number 2 rated show on Comedy Central, he makes a lot of money for the clubs he plays, and he has a large following. Most of whom could give a rat's ass about where he gets his material.

But for comics, this is their life, their blood, sweat, and tears. These are their laughs and as long as we sit idly by while the Carlos Mencias of the world make money off the words of other comics, we're just as much a part of the problem.

Luckily, Joe's a big enough name to weather this storm.

But we, as comedians or fans of comedy, should make an effort to stand behind Joe on this one. As he syas:

Now can you IMAGINE if I was a young, struggling comic and all this shit went down?
THAT is the really ugly part of it.
Now you know why people don't speak up about this shit.

Every comic should be talking about this right now.

Every comic should be throwing their support behind Joe. He's clearly a man who loves and appreciates the art of comedy.

If you're in LA, please support Joe. He's at the Improv tonight at 10. From Joe:

The first thing I did when I got the call, is to phone my friend Rita over at the Improv in Hollywood and ask if I could get on there this weekend. She bent over backwards to accommodate me, and gave me spots for Thursday night at 10, Friday at 8:30, and Saturday at 10. To her, and Joel over there, I say thank you very much. I truly appreciate the support.

If anyone wants to see me this weekend, that’s where I’ll be performing.

If you want to come down and show your support and have a good time, the address for and phone number for the Improv is:

323 651 5810
Hollywood Improv
8162 Melrose ave. Hollywood, CA

And if you're a fan of comedy or a comic yourself, I encourage you to stop supporting The Comedy Stop so long as they continue to support joke thieves.

Register your disappointment with them:

323-656-6225
info@comedystore.com

And please, don't watch Ned's show on Comedy Central.

This is something for comics to stand up about; this is about right and wrong.

This is about preserving the integrity of our art form.

Because, as Richard Pryor said:

"Comedy is some serious shit."

More cut than run

WHITE HOUSE TO US MILITARY: "We said we support the TROOPS...we never said anything about veterans."


Mon Feb 12, 2:00 PM

WASHINGTON - The Bush administration plans to cut funding for veterans' health care two years from now _ even as badly wounded troops returning from Iraq could overwhelm the system.

Bush is using the cuts, critics say, to help fulfill his pledge to balance the budget by 2012.

After an increase sought for next year, the Bush budget would turn current trends on their head. Even though the cost of providing medical care to veterans has been growing rapidly _ by more than 10 percent in many years _ White House budget documents assume consecutive cutbacks in 2009 and 2010 and a freeze thereafter.

The proposed cuts are unrealistic in light of recent VA budget trends _ its medical care budget has risen every year for two decades and 83 percent in the six years since Bush took office _ sowing suspicion that the White House is simply making them up to make its long-term deficit figures look better.

"Either the administration is willingly proposing massive cuts in VA health care," said Rep. Chet Edwards of Texas, chairman of the panel overseeing the VA's budget. "Or its promise of a balanced budget by 2012 is based on completely unrealistic assumptions."

Edwards said that a more realistic estimate of veterans costs is $16 billion higher than the Bush estimate for 2012.

In fact, even the White House doesn't seem serious about the numbers. It says the long-term budget numbers don't represent actual administration policies. Similar cuts assumed in earlier budgets have been reversed.

This is actually a weird one. The White House spokesperson basically says that they're proposing a cut in VA funding to create a fake balanced budget but really, they're not going to cut VA funding.

So...why say it? And why, when the budget has ballooned to massive proportions because of a WAR would you even PROPOSE cutting funds to needy veterans?

Unless you're an asshole, of course.

So let me help the Democrats out here by proposing something myself. A suggested response to this proposal, if you will.

Ahem.

An open letter to ANY politician who would suggest cutting funds to veterans, wounded or otherwise:

Dear Asshole who has suggested cutting funds to veterans, especially at a time when the VA medical care budget has risen 83% in the last 6 years,

Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

"Get Some."

Have you seen NYC's latest public safety campaign?

MTA-themed condoms.

"New York, we've got you covered."

Considering the reliability of the MTA, not sure I'd trust these condoms.

They'd most likely break at the most inconvenient times or you'd have to wait an hour before you could use 'em. Due to "track work."

Don't even want to think about what would happen when your "A" starts running as an "F"...

Hearty Wishes

Happy Valentine's Day.

Beep boop beep.

More Superboy

It's Superboy vs. Gregg Allman!

I don't want to give anything away, but Gregg Allman pretty much gets his ass kicked.



And then:

Uh-oh! Metallo!




Why is Superboy always so angry?

These are the jokes - 2nd week of February '07

A new survey shows that America's Jewish population has reached 7.4 million, far larger than previously estimated. Which roughly breaks down to: 43 percent of American Jews own the media, 31 percent own the banks, 25 percent control the weather, and all the wars in the world are started by Deborah Goldstein of Great Neck, Long Island.

FEMA has determined that nearly 70,000 Louisiana households improperly received over 300 million dollars in grants, and now they want their money back. The Louisiana residents determined that FEMA improperly responded to Hurricane Katrina and they want their houses back.

This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino. What are the odds?

**Special bonus cheap joke!!**

Former NBA star John Amaechi reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. I don't care about Amaechi's personal life, all I know is that the man sure knew how to handle a ball.

"You can change your life..."

Perhaps you've seen the ads plastered all over the NYC subway cars:

"You can change your life by altering your thoughts."

-Eric Butterworth

Not gonna lie, first time I saw the ads, it freaked me out a bit. All I could think was:

"OH, DEAR LORD! THEY'RE TRYING TO ALTER OUR THOUGHTS!!!"


Probably not the intended reaction.

Then I find out it's some Unity Church thing.

Whew. No one's altering our thoughts.

Yet.



Eric Butterworth, eh?

Until now, I've only ever been familiar with the works of MRS. Butterworth. Didn't even realize there was a MR. Butterworth. But of course, she is a Mrs., only stands to reason there'd be a Mister...

Tomorrow Night Comedy

Just passing on some info. Pertinent stuff in bold.

Character Dogville

Friday, February 9th at 10:00pm
Starring Town Meeting
Featuring chraacter improv by Featuring characters by Jeremiah Murphy, Laura Dillman, Ryan Stratton, Annie Dumas, Phil Wedo, Carrie Sipple and Alana Harrison
Directed by Stacy Mayer
with special guests Benari Poulten and Robin Gelfenbien
The Sage Theatre
711 7th Ave., second floor
between 47th/48th St.
N/R/W to 49th St; 1/9 to 50th St.
$10.00 at the door
FREE with Paid Admission to 8pm show
www.manhattancomedycollective.com

Work makes you free

Can we stop pretending that there's a rational debate about marriage in this country?

From the wires:

Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced a ballot measure in Washington state that would require heterosexual couples to have a child within three years or have their marriage annulled.

Space Case

[Lisa] Nowak, 43, a married mother of three who flew on a space shuttle in July, was charged with attempted murder, accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap Colleen Shipman, who she believed was romantically involved with Oefelein, a space shuttle pilot.

Specifically, police said, Nowak confronted Shipman, who was in her car at the Orlando airport, and sprayed something at her, possibly pepper spray.

At first the astronaut was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts. Then prosecutors upped the charge to attempted murder, basing it on the weapons and other items they said police had found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.

Attempted murder's a pretty serious charge. So here's how I'd defend the crazy astronaut chick:


Space Madness.

The defense rests.

"All me want to be is...happy."

Doing some research on Bizarro - you don't need to know why - and I came across this clip from Superboy:






This show ran for three whole seasons.

These are the jokes - 1st week of Feb.

• Jermaine Jackson said on Monday that he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Islam responded, saying: “Hey, man. We have enough problems, as it is.”

• On Wednesday, the day Senator Joe Biden announced his campaign for president, he caused controversy with an interview in the New York Observer in which he said that Senator Barack Obama is “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Making Joe Biden the first mainstream Caucasian-American in the race to end his Presidential Campaign.

• A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. The breakfast will be BYOB – Bring Your Own Batter.

Taking the Bullet - reminder

Sex, drugs, and stand-up comedy.

TAKING THE BULLET
by Benari Poulten

Directed by Padraic Lillis

Sunday, February 4th
5 PM
Goldberg Theatre
721 Broadway, 7th Floor

A graduate play reading.

things mean things

Someone's grumpy today.

Things mean things, you know. It's not all just fodder for ironic nostalgia that VH-1 will market right back at us next year.

The other event on Sunday

Um, I'm very bad at self-promotion.

But anyone who's in the NYC area on Sunday should swing by NYU and see my play reading. For totally no money at all because it's FREE.

It's a work in progress, a dark comedy about how miserable stand-up comics are. And it's set in BOSTON.

Shocking, I know.

Anyway, here's the little blurb my school sent out.

Sex, drugs, and stand-up comedy.

TAKING THE BULLET
by Benari Poulten

Directed by Padraic Lillis

Sunday, February 4th at 5 PM
Goldberg Theatre
721 Broadway, 7th Floor

Taking the Bullet is a darkly comic look into the degenerate world of struggling stand-up comedians in present day Boston, MA who learn Richard Pryor was right when he said, "Comedy is some serious shit."


Benari Poulten is a stand-up comic himself, as well as a second year graduate student currently pursuing an MFA in the Department of Dramatic Writing at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts.

Padraic Lillis has worked as a director on Broadway, national tours, and for three Tony Award winning regional theaters and major universities, most recently directing the critically acclaimed play The Dirty Talk by Michael Puzzo at New York's Center Stage.

DC tease - the return of...?

I dunno. Maybe it's just me.



The big teaser image from DC?

Looks like the characters are just stuck on over the background.

Maybe the big reveal is that DC is bringing back...

COLORFORMS!

Wouldn't be the first time.

"Don't you mean...bizarro post?"

No jokes this week.

So, instead, I give you one of my all time favorite episodes of Sealab 2021:




Bizarro, I love you, bizarro.

Support funny comics I know

Friend and fellow comic Dean Obeidallah has a new show on Comedy Central's website that's worth checking out.

Dean explains what it's all about in a recent interview:

I created the show with my friend Max Brooks, who is an Emmy Award-winning award winning comedy writer, in the hopes of showing our fellow Americans a funny, positive side of Middle Eastern-Americans. Also, many of the comedians in the show are not only Middle Eastern, but Muslim as well, and I especially think its important that people see Muslim-Americans not playing terrorists like on "24" or "Sleeper Cell". We want to prove to everyone who watches it that Arabs, Iranians, (and Arab/Iranian Muslims) can be funny.

At this point, Comedy Central is very happy with the content and the media attention. (The show was featured in Newsweek, AP and Reuters, to name a few.) They are actually considering a TV pilot for The Watch List so I hope everyone goes to comedycentral.com, or our My Space page, and downloads the show – a lot!

You may recognize some other folks involved like Maz Jobrani from ABC's new sit-com The Knights of Prosperity.

So, nu? Go watch The Watch List now.

"I love it when a plan comes together."

One thing jumped out at me in the President's 2007 State of the Union...

"A second task we can take on together is to design and establish a volunteer Civilian Reserve Corps. Such a corps would function much like our military reserve. It would ease the burden on the Armed Forces by allowing us to hire civilians with critical skills to serve on missions abroad when America needs them. And it would give people across America who do not wear the uniform a chance to serve in the defining struggle of our time."

I'm pretty sure there's a term for "civilians with critical skills" serving "on missions abroad when America needs them." They're called SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE.

Mercenaries, carrying out military objectives without being subject to military law, military regulations, military oversight, or UCMJ - the uniform code of military justice.

Or "quaint" documents like the Geneva Conventions.

Of course, they'd probably be dudes convicted of a crime they didn't commit.

I half expected the President to continue his speech with:

"We need a corps of civilians with critical skills to serve on special missions. Like, a special team. Of A-list quality...an A-Team, if you will. And, say, one of 'em could be real gruff and maybe smoke a cigar. And another guy , he'd be real good with the ladies, real smooth, he can getcha stuff. And the other guy, he'd be like, just a crazy fella...but he can fly choppers. And the other guy is black. With a Mohawk and chains. And he's mean. And he hates flyin'. Hates it! And they'd drive around in a van. And then, if America had a problem, and no one else could help, and we could find them, we could call...the A-Team."

So there you have it. The President's real plan for Iraq. He's going to call in the A-Team.

Anatomy of a good set

On Friday, I was thrown up onstage at the last minute for a stand-up set. I was just hanging out at the show, had no intention of doing a set, but when asked if I would take the bullet, I said, "Yeah." Forget the fact that I had blown out my vocal chords two days earlier and sounded like Froggy from Our Gang.

And what happened?

I had a great set. Loose, relaxed, fun...

Probably one of the best recent sets I've had since...well, since the last time I was unexpectedly thrown up onstage. For some reason, when I'm not prepared for it, I'm totally in the zone. Buddy Ross reminded me that the first time I ever did stand-up, I was thrown up unexpectedly. Props to the man responsible, who despite his faulty recollection, DID indeed liquor me up.

Maybe that has a lot to do with it. But for whatever reason, I seem to have an excellent track record with unexpected spots. So, in the future, I'm just going to act as if all my sets are unscheduled and unplanned. We'll see how that goes.

Side bar:

An adorable, hot blonde sat at one of the tables. After the show, as she left, she stopped, looked me up and down, and then bluntly stated:

"You're not that short."

Best. Non-flattering, almost-backhanded compliment. EVER.

I'm gonna marry that girl. Now I just need to find out what her name is.

Stand By Your Jokes

A rather tame week for jokes from me, but as someone once told me, never apologize for your work. So I'm not. These are my jokes and I'm stickin' by 'em.

He said, apologetically...

I'm even giving you four this time, instead of the usual three. Oooooooh....

• OJ Simpson is saying that the chapter from his unpublished book "If I Did It," in which he hypothesizes on how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend, was created mostly from a ghostwriter's research and is not a confession. It’s more like a memoir.

• In an interview on PBS, President Bush commented Tuesday on the Iraqi government's botched hangings of Saddam Hussein and two of his top aides saying, “It just goes to show that this is a government that has still got some maturation to do.” He added, “This doesn’t make the Iraqi government look so great, either.”

• DEA agents said Tuesday that they have dismantled a Colombian heroin ring by arresting several couriers who stitched packets of drugs into their pants and then took cruise ships to the US. Stitched pants? Cruise ships? Back in my day, we had it tough, shoving heroin-filled balloons up our asses, sneaking across the border in the back of sweltering, cramped trucks, fighting off the militia! Lazy kids…

• A Manhattan antiques dealer is suing three homeless men and a woman for 1 million dollars for sleeping, drinking and "performing bodily functions" outside his posh Madison Ave. store. He would have sued their pants off, had they been wearing any.

"May the Force be with you...and your children."

Oh, yes. Life Day. When Art Carney goofs around with Imperial commanders, Bea Arthur belts out tunes in the Cantina, and Harvey Korman in drag teaches Wookies how to cook.

Life Day. When a heavily make-up'ed Mark Hamill sends season's greeting via an old TV and a heavily drugged-out Carrie Fischer sings.

You can tell how early in Harrison Ford's career this was, since he actually agreed to do this. He was probably paid in pot.

I remember being utterly confused by this as a kid. How could I be watching Wookies and it wasn't awesome? And why was Chewbacca's family obviously on welfare?

Thanks to YouTube, here's a 5-minute highlight reel.



And here's possibly the geekiest first appearance ever, in its entirety. Just remember, he's the BEST bounty hunter in the galaxy. Full disclosure, I kind of like this cartoon. There's something soothingly nostalgic about it. In all the right ways.



Interestingly enough, nothing in the cartoon actually nullifies or contradicts the continuity of the original trilogy. A feat the prequels couldn't manage to pull off...

hilarity ensues

Come on. Ahnuld presents at the Golden Globes and who does he get to announce as the winner of Best Picture?

Babel.

How apropos.

who was the traget demographic for this?

Yet another example of TV producers transforming popular shows into nearly incomprehensible cartoon versions.

EXEC 1: How can we make Gilligan's Island more annoying?

EXEC 2: Let's make 'em cartoon characters.

EXEC 3: But we need a hook! Something that'll really grab kids!

EXEC 2: Kids love Star Wars...

EXEC 3: That's it! We'll shoot 'em into outer space!

EXEC 1: That's so crazy, it just...might...work.

If the creators had given it any thought, I'm sure they would have called the unnamed space ship that carried the castaways from the uncharted island to an uncharted planet the Star Ship Minnow.

Return of the jokes

3 a week. I'll post 'em Sunday or Monday.

Premise lines provided to me. Punchlines provided by me.

According to a new study, 74 percent of kids aged 13 to 18 say that money makes them happy. The remaining 26 percent were labeled Commies and shipped off to Guantanamo for further study.

In a prime-time address to the nation Wednesday, President Bush warned that although he is sending over 21,000 more American troops to Iraq, the insurgents will make this coming year “bloody and violent.” He added, “And if they don’t, we sure as heck will.”

After Britney Spears landed at the top of Mr. Blackwell’s Worst-Dressed List, Britney’s stylist has been telling people that she's not responsible for the pop star’s current look. She suggested Britney just get it trimmed.

two actual conversations from over the holidays

Below are conversations real people actually had with me.

*Names have been changed to protect me.

Conversation #1

Guy: Have I got the perfect girl for you. She's fantastic. (to his wife) Honey, isn't Suzie Suzeman* perfect for Benari?

Wife: Too tall.

Guy: Oh, yeah. She's much taller than you.

Wife: Never work.

Conversation #2

Lady: Why don't you just use rogaine?

Why no, I don't have a complex. Why do you ask?

plug

Tuesday, January 9th, 8:30 PM

Morrison Motel @ Cornelia Street Cafe
An intimate encounter with intelligent and alternative comedy.

Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia Street, between Bleecker and West 4th.

A,C,E,B,D,F & V trains to West 4th. 1 train to Christopher St.

(212) 989-9319 for reservations. 8:30 pm. $5 cover, $6 drink minimum.

John Morrison hosts
Todd Barry, Allison Castillo, Susan Prekel, Pat Dixon, Grant Cooper, Pat Galante
&
Benari Poulten

Space Diamonds

Trekkie hearts across the galaxy just stopped.

If you’re looking for a space-age way to propose marriage, a black-diamond ring might be the way to go.

Long baffled by their origin, scientists now have evidence that these charcoal-colored gems formed in outer space.

Can green, red, gold, and blue kryptonite be far behind?

Children of Men

Go see it. Now.

That is all.

6 word fiction

I know I'm late to the 6-word-fiction party, but getting onto the plane last night, I saw something and I was suddenly struck with a very, very short story. So, here's my humble (yet late) contribution.

Shedding her last tear, she left.

Respect Monkeys.

Capeless Crusader Kevin Church wants you to stop primate discrimination. Now.

Super Spy Rex Mantooth gently reminds you:

Respect Monkeys.

TiVo'd

TiVo.

It's awesome.

Although, it does freak me out a bit that it records things that it thinks I might like. It doesn't really know me that well yet, so the machine just guesses. I'm kind of nervous about what it's going to think of me when it actually knows my viewing habits.

Yes. The machine thinks.

And it tapes shows for me as suggestions.

But why would it think I'd like Girlfriends? Maybe it's because my sister got me the TiVo.

It's like it knows.

wonderful life?

It's A Wonderful Life is one of my all-time favorite movies. Love it. I can't get enough of its jingoistic propaganda, its spirited populism, its earnest faith, and its sentimental charm.

I just adore the film.


But. The thing that always pulls me out of the movie - albeit briefly - is the unintentional hilarity of George discovering Mary's fate. Like she wouldn't have just married Sam "Hee Haw" Wainwright and lived unhappily ever after as a housewife while Sam banged a lot of underage secretaries on business trips to Europe...

After being shown how badly everything's gone without him, after seeing the despair and hopelessness, after discovering that his brother's dead and that every man on the transport died - a transport filled with men that may have very well won World War II itself! - we learn that the worst thing that could possibly happen, the one thing that finally convinces George to live: it's Mary's fate. Mary has become...

an old maid.

She's working as a mannish-looking librarian. Noooooo! Women are reading! Take me back, Clarence! I need to save Mary from a life of books and lesbianism! Take me back! I want to live!

And then I'm back to weeping like a child at the triumph and generosity of the human spirit. Well played, Capra. Well played.

I also noticed something this past Christmas...

At the beginning of the movie.

When the Heavenly hosts are discussing who they should send to help poor George Bailey, they decide to send Clarence, an Angel: Second Class trying to earn his wings. And why hasn't ol' Clarence gotten his wings yet?

"Because, you know, sir, he's got the I.Q. of a rabbit..."

"Yes, but he's got the faith of a child..."

Of course, Clarence has faith - he lives in Heaven. With God and angels and twinkly stars. Even someone with the I.Q. of a rabbit would have faith -

Wait. I.Q. of a rabbit? Clarence has the I.Q. of a rabbit?! THIS is going to be George's guardian angel?! As if George's life hasn't been insulting enough, Heaven is sending JoJo the Half-Wit to save him?

See, people - Capra was more cynical than you thought. Why was George's life so miserable? Simple.

God hates him.

Why else would the Almighty send an idiot clockmaker as George Bailey's last hope?

One could make the argument that George - with the help of Clarence - overcomes the cruelty of a wicked God to discover the innate goodness of humanity.

Either that, or Capra was just being a dick.

No wonder the FBI thought it was subversive.

"Teacher says, 'Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.'"

"What's teacher doing talking about angels in school?!"

What Would Batman Do?

This.

A Good Samaritan jumped onto the tracks at a Manhattanville subway station at 137th Street and Broadway Tuesday afternoon to save the life of a stranger who had fallen after having an apparent seizure.

The man stumbled off the platform onto the tracks, where he could have been killed if not for the heroic efforts of 50-year-old Wesley Autrey who did the unthinkable, jumping onto the tracks with a train approaching.

"He was stuck and I was like, 'Wow. Do I struggle here?' If I got him up, then I would have to go for the ground. And I didn't have that much time. So I just went for the gutter thing," said Autrey. "I just dove on top of him and held him down, cause I knew there would be enough clearance for us."

Autrey, a construction worker who lives in the neighborhood, grabbed the man and pinned him down in the gutter between the running rails while a downtown Number 1 train passed overhead, miraculously leaving both men without a scratch.

"I had to have the guy pinned down, because like I said, he was in a seizure," said Autrey. "He was incoherent. He was fighting, pushing and pushing against me. So I had to lock myself down, so he wouldn't push me back, and possibly my head get hit."

Autrey's two young daughters, ages four and six, who were with him at the time of the incident, watched in horror while the situation unfolded. When the train finally came to a stop, Autrey called out to them to let them know he was alive.

Autrey guessed there was maybe an inch or inch and a half clearance between his head and the underside of the train.

"Remember, the gutter maybe got like a 12-inch drop. So his body fitted in there perfectly. And I just laid on top of him, and had to pin him down," he said.

The man Autrey saved, 20-year-old film student Cameron Hollopeter, was taken to St. Luke's hospital as a precautionary measure, where he is listed in stable condition. He is expected to be recover.

When asked if he considers himself a hero, Autrey said absolutely not. He said he was just doing what he thinks anyone else would do.

"No, I don't consider myself a hero," he said. "I just went to someone's aid. Someone who was in need of help."

Via Kyria.

Super Pup

One gift I got that's kept on giving: The Superman Ultimate Collector's Edition.

14 discs of Super awesomeness, jam packed with movies, pilots, cartoons, documentaries, interviews, deleted scenes and so much more.

Included on one of the 14 discs: the rarely-seen, never-sold pilot for The Adventures of Super Pup! Intended as a potential kids' series, it stars midgets wearing dog costumes dressed up as characters from Superman. It's shot on The Adventures of Superman set and it incorporates ample amounts of stock studio footage - including film of the Atomic bomb test at Alamogordo!

It's a brilliant curiosity, not even a finished product: half-way through, the show switches from color to black-and-white. I'm guessing that when it was pitched to sponsors, no one even noticed...I'd be surprised if they made it past the opening credits.

Inexplicably, Jimmy Olsen is replaced by a sock puppet mouse who narrates the thing, adding - ahem - comic relief, I guess. At one point, as the villains race away in a get-away car totally different from the one in the previous scene, the scratchy-voiced rat pops up to provide an explanation for the discrepancy. How meta. How very Stan Lee....hmmm. Come to think of it, the newspaper Bark Bent works for is called the Daily Bugle. I wonder...

Most interesting, it seems to anticipate one of my favorite cartoons, Underdog, proving that things that are creepy and surreal work perfectly fine in a cartoon. It also shows how poorly the producers dealt with the untimely death of George Reeves.

Here's a clip from a recent documentary - also included in this DVD collection - narrated by Kevin Spacey.

the year of clones and roses

George Lucas, the mastermind behind the "Star Wars" and "Indiana Jones" sagas, can add another credit to his illustrious resume: Rose Parade grand marshal.

For a man accustomed to working behind the camera lens, Lucas embraces his latest challenge as the public face of the 118th annual Tournament of Roses on New Year's Day.

"There's nothing like being a grand marshal. It's a completely unique experience," said Lucas.

HNY

"Another year over
A new one just begun."

should old acquaintance be forgot...

Image courtesy of the GCD.

my friends are comedians

Just wanted to point y'all over to the latest issue of The Comedians, in which four of my friends happen to be featured.

Four completely different styles, four vastly different perspectives, and so funny they make me jealous on a regular basis.

Baron Vaughn: An amazingly energetic and thoughtful performer. He will beatbox his way into your heart.
Ophira Eisenberg: the Vanilla Mistress with a heart of gold. And darkness.
Todd Levin: Finally. A funny Jew.

Tim McIntire: the guy who threw me up onstage for my first stand-up set. After getting me plastered. A real comic's comic.

Go. Read. Learn. Laugh.

A few quick things I learned over the holidays

• Everyone loves babies.

• Everyone wanted a GPS this year, apparently.

• Every radio station in Massachusetts plays some version of Winter Wonderland every third song.

• Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey isn't considered offensive?
  

• It is actually possible to watch Road House too many times.
  

winter of no content

Aaaaaand....

...we're back.

How've you been? You look well. Did you lose weight? Seriously. You look good.

No shows to pimp right now and between real life and some grad school burn out, posting's been light.

But I am alive and well. And I will make with the rambling again.

Kether.

retiring a joke

So, waaaay back in the halcyon days of 2000, a young-ish governor from Texas ran for President. And, as a young up-and-coming stand-up comic in Boston with a penchant for politics, I wrote a good number of jokes about then-candidate Bush.

I still do one of 'em, which likens W to Roscoe P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard.

Of course, if you do a joke for a lot of years and you never make it onto the TeeVee, well, you run the risk of someone else getting there first with a similar joke.

And after 6 years, it's finally happened. At least it's one of my favorite comics, Patton Oswalt. It's a different joke, but similar enough that I think it's time to retire my bit. It was a good run.

Luckily, Patton's bit is hilarious. Jumping the General Lee over the bill of rights? Awesome.

Below, you'll find the Patton clip from Comedy Central.

And after all these years, I'm finally crossing "Roscoe P. Coltrane" off my set list. Good bye, old friend.

If I played it...

...here's how I'd play it.

And play it. And play it...

Peter Boyle

I will always love him for being in one of the funniest scenes EVER put on film.

Easily one of my top 5 favorite screen moments of all time.




UPDATED:

Noah mourns his passing in the same way!!

Geekgasm

Attention Kevin:

Tricia Helfer redefines "skinjob" in next month's Playboy!

NSFW.

On a related note, the geekiest thing I did this week was to try to get tickets to tomorrow's free screening of Battlestar Galactica's mid-season finale on the big screen at the Sunshine Cinema in NYC.

I failed. My geek-fu is weak these days.

These are the jokes - the end is nigh

As the semester draws to a frightening close, here's the latest batch for the ol' joke packet.

Looking at the jokes now, it was kind of a dark week. And it's only Tuesday.

Punchlines in bold. Some restrictions apply. Mileage may vary.

Iran is hosting a two-day international conference dubbed “Study of the Holocaust: A Global Perspective,” an "impartial discussion of whether the Holocaust actually happened." This will be followed by Iran’s international conference on the Sun, entitled “Cancer Raygun of the Jews.”

Outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Iraq to bid farewell to the troops, saying he thought the military should stay in Iraq for the long haul, even though he was going home. The troops thought it might be better the other way around.

Senator Barack Obama made a huge splash in his first visit to New Hampshire and fueled talk of a 2008 Presidential run, with one man gushing, “I think his message of hope and optimism is exciting people.” The man added, “Too bad he’s black.”

An official report has revealed that the U.S. Secret Service was secretly bugging Princess Diana's phone, but that the secretly recorded conversations shed no new light on Diana's death. They do, however, shed light on the fact that Diana liked phone sex. A lot.

Richard Pryor (Dec. 1, 1940 - Dec. 10, 2005)

"When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, 'Richard, what do you see?' I said, 'I see all types of people.' The voice said, 'But do you see any n*gg*rs?' I said, 'No.' It said, 'Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any.'"

- Richard Pryor
Live on the Sunset Strip

*yeah, I used asteriks - I don't feel like getting hits by folks searching for the word.

"Love is the answer"

Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

Been a while

Oh. Hello. I didn't see you there.

So much I'd love to rant and rave about, but funny thing about graduate school...it's kind of time consuming.

As things slow down, I'll have more time to ramble. Until then, here are more jokes for the packet. Punchlines in bold. Special bonus visual aide!

Current U.N. Ambassador John Bolton has announced he will step down after his temporary appointment ends this year. Bolton’s supporters fear this now leaves the U.N. without proper porn ‘stache representation.





At a Phoenix airport, security guards are testing a controversial new x-ray device that reveals what people look like underneath all of their clothes. Officials are calling the device “The Britney.”

In a recent interview, Mel Gibson defended Michael Richards’ racial tirade by blaming it all on stress. Stress caused by the Jews.

Faced with public discontent, Wal-Mart has developed a wide-ranging new program intended to show that it appreciates its 1.3 million workers in the United States. As part of the new program, employees who work more than 40 hours a week will be allowed to live.

In Kansas, a gun-toting thief who tried to steal a pair of stereo speakers in broad daylight accidentally shot off one of his testicles. Armed robbery in broad daylight? That crook has ball.

Drunk the Halls

Holy shit.

You can smell the whiskey.

Danny DeVito shows up drunk to The View after an all nighter with George Clooney.

drowning in a sea of jokes here!

I know there's lots of shit going on in the world...

...and I have to keep writing jokes about it.

I know it's lame, but I'm busy. Okay? Stop looking at me like that!

Here's a handful of minty fresh jokes from me:

• Authorities closed down the Lincoln Memorial this morning after discovering a suspicious liquid. An embarrassed Lincoln statue had no comment.

• Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have filed for divorce. No word yet on who gets to keep the Hepatitis-C.

• Britney Spears spent Thanksgiving weekend club-hopping with Paris Hilton and caused a tabloid frenzy when she flashed the paparazzi her private parts several times. This marks the first friendship where Paris Hilton is known as “the classy one.”

• According to reports, Elton John abruptly left the stage during a weekend concert in Brisbane to throw up in the bathroom. Officials believe the nausea was caused when Elton John found out what his hair is really made of.

And here's one from the "What the frak is wrong with Colorado?!" file:

• A Colorado homeowners association has told one of its residents to take down a Christmas wreath shaped as a peace sign, because it's “divisive.” Association members feel that Christmas is hardly the time to make a volatile statement like "Peace on Earth."

Last minute plug

Need some relief after OD'ing on turkey, stuffing, and family?

Then head on out to the D-Lounge tonight for some late-night laughs.

TONIGHT!
Friday November 24th @ 10:30 PM
Sweet Paprika
D-Lounge * 101 E. 15th St.
Union Square East * NYC

5 lousy bucks gets you in.

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans!

In honor of the holiday, I give you all a special treat. From all the way back in 1987, I give you the insanity of the Marvel Universe float in the Macy's Parade.

A few special notes.

The theme from Back to the Future? Really?

After Dr. Doom gets beat down, is that metal dude supposed to be Ultron? It looks suspiciously like Robocop.

So, Cap frees Luke Cage and chains Dr. Doom? And then he makes Luke Cage clean up his mess? The hell?

What's the nefarious plot that Captain America is foiling here??

And where did Daredevil come from? Or the Green Goblin?! This float makes no sense!!

Thanksgiving, 1987 - Marvel style!

"Look! Up there! It's a clusterfuck!"

Via X-Entertainment.

KKKramer?

There goes Seinfeld's black following. You know, that one guy.

I don't know. They're going to have to come up with a new word for when beloved celebrities suddenly have bigoted and/or racist meltdowns.

These are the jokes - some more

The teacher provides the premise lines, we provide the punchlines.

Obviously, the big news was the election. And of course, Britney and Fed-Ex.

My punchlines in bold.

After last week's election, President Bush told Republicans that the next two weeks are going to be busy ones. “"We got a lot of papers to shred.”"

The Democrats don'’t take over the House and the Senate until January, so Republicans in the lame duck congress have said they have several weeks to try to get some things done. And by "things," they mean pages.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced, after their second baby was born only 8 weeks ago. Their third baby is expected to be conceived in a few weeks.

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said that Israel will not accept a nuclear Iran. Israel will, however, accept a peaceful Iran, a cooperative Iran, or the crater formerly known as Iran.

Political experts say that many Republicans are playing the blame game this week to explain their huge election loss. Number one on that list: the Gays.

Political experts say that now that Democrats control Congress President Bush is likely to use his veto pen a lot more. Normally, President Bush uses Mortimer, the Picture Pages Pen.

In a recent press conference, President Bush said he thought the Republicans were going to win so he shouldn't try "punditry." He also said America would have an easy victory in Iraq, so maybe he shouldn't try "Presidentry," either.

This weekend, the gay community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing is devoutly religious and believes that the Bible is very clear about homosexuality being a sin. The straight community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing was still alive.

SPECIAL BONUS - The alternate ending to that last joke:

This weekend, the gay community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing is devoutly religious and believes that the Bible is very clear about homosexuality being a sin. They were even more shocked to discover that Carol Channing has a vagina.

I know. Too soon.

These are the jokes - Comedy Be Not Proud

Haven't done one of these in a while.

Backstory: I'm taking a Late Night Comedy Writing class for my MFA program at Tisch. Blah blah meef braggity brag.

Last night's assignment, write a Top Ten list.

The subject: Top Ten Signs You Know You Lost the Election. Here are mine. Again, I'm not proud.

CUT TO:

Paul Shaffer, banging on the keyboard.

PAUL (singing): Top Ten! Top Ten! Top Ten Signs You Know You Lost the Election!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU KNOW YOU LOST THE ELECTION:


10. The only person who RSVP’d to your victory party was Donald Rumsfeld

9. Not even your hot teenage page voted for you

8. John Kerry called, asked for his campaign strategy back

7. Black people’s votes were actually counted this time

6. Kevin Federline refused to make a sex tape with you

5. You get a condolence call from Mark Foley

4. Told supporters you thought those Katrina victims “got off easy”

3. Found out about it when you got a text message from Britney Spears

2. Got an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney

1. You were just asked to be the next Viagra spokesman

PAUL (singing): Top ten! Top ten! Top ten signs you know you lost the eleeeeeeeeec-tion!

"Thing ring, do your thing!"

1979.

Those were heady days. Especially for Hanna-Barbera toons. Throughout the 70s and into the 80s, Hanna-Barbera cartoons were zany, wacky, and made by people who were totally high.

How else can you explain why familiar icons were taken completely out of context and placed in inexplicable situations? As cheaply animated as possible, of course.

Suddenly, Fonzie from Happy Days has a time machine and a talking dog? Named Mr. Cool?! And they travel through history? How could kids not love it?

Laverne & Shirley get drafted into the US Army. And they have a talking pig - voiced by Horseshack - for a drill sergeant. Seriously. That won't completely mess up kids for life.

Gary Coleman's a guardian angel. 'Nuff said.

There are dozens of these cartoons - but one that has always baffled me is the incomprehensible Fred and Barney Meet the Thing.

They never actually meet, by the way. The show was essentially new adventures of the Flintstones jammed together with a solo Thing cartoon. Except, this wasn't the typical Thing kids knew and loved from the Fantastic Four. Nope. This was a teenager named Benjy Grimm. Because when you're a teenaged version, your name must end in a "y". And he would team up and solve mysteries and fight crime with other annoying teenagers! Yes! Who wants to see Dr. Doom and Galactus?

Here's the hook - little Benjy Grimm has these special rings, see? And when he slams them together, he transforms into ...



...the ever-lovin', blue-eyed Thing!

Just a side note, that transformation looks horrifyingly painful.

Why am I remembering this short-lived, bizarre cartoon? Because of the show's catch phrase.

While the Thing had a very recognizable catch phrase of his own - "It's Clobberin' Time!!" - this cartoon had another, even catchier phrase.

Whenever Benjy Grimm slammed his special rings together, he'd shout:

"Thing ring, do your thing!"

And for some reason, I've had this phrase going through my head for the past two months. I know not why. Even stranger, I hear a gruff, gravelly voice with a thick Brooklyn accent saying it.

Catchy, right? Go ahead. Say it. You know you want to. It's fun. And addictive. Try slipping this phrase into every day conversation. It's pretty handy in any situation.

Oh, Hanna-Barbera. You have forever warped my brain.

THING RING, DO YOUR THING!!!

The Band Begins at Ten to Six...

The Beatles...again.

These guys are like the original Tupac. They just keep putting out new shit. Or re-mixes of the old shit. But with Sir George Martin (and son) producing, at least it won't sound like The Traveling Willburys...it will sound like The Beatles.

With extra Hippy goodness. The "Love mix"...?

THE Beatles are back. Together. And this is your chance to hear new material from the Fab Four.

In an unlikely reunion, songs by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr are the centrepiece of a Cirque du Soliel extravaganza.

...

The idea began when the founder of Cirque du Soliel befriended George Harrison at a Formula 1 event years ago.

He suggested a show around The Beatles' catalogue.

Harrison agreed, with one proviso: "Forget some dodgy house band playing The Beatles songs. It had to be Beatles music.''

Harrison died in 2001, but by then the idea had gained momentum and Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr and Beatles widows Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison agreed legendary Beatles producer Sir George Martin should be brought out of retirement to produce what is a fabulous bookend to the band's career.

Sir George and his son Giles have painstakingly scoured the published and dormant material of The Beatles and put together an amazing 80-minute collage.

Australia will never see the show. It is being staged at a purpose-built $160 million auditorium in Las Vegas and is too expensive and unwieldy to travel.

But the album - like the Vegas show, called Love - releases worldwide on November 18.

To All Those Who Have Answered the Call

Thank you.

tonight, comedy

If you're anywhere near NYC tonight (ahem, *cough. cough*), swing on by The D-Lounge at 10:30 for some comedy and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

5 bucks gets you in.

Friday November 10 @ 10:30 PM
Sweet Paprika
D-Lounge * 101 E. 15th St.
Union Square East * NYC

With great power...

...comes a great trailer.



And, for the sake of nostalgia, here's a look at the original bittersweet trailer for the 1st Spider-Man movie.

This first played in movie theaters, but was quickly pulled...

...for obvious reasons.

1 ONE IX HE DIE

If you play this blog backwards, it says "Turn me on, dead man."

cut and run?

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as defense secretary on Wednesday, one day after midterm elections in which opposition to the war in Iraq contributed to heavy Republican losses.

President Bush said he would nominate Robert Gates, a former CIA director, to replace Rumsfeld at the Pentagon.

Asked whether his announcement signaled a new direction in the war that has claimed the lives of more than 2,800 U.S. troops, Bush said, "Well, there's certainly going to be new leadership at the Pentagon."

Bush lavished praise on Rumsfeld, who has spent six stormy years at his post. The president disclosed he met with Gates last Sunday, two days before the elections in which Democrats swept to control of the House and possibly the Senate.

Last week, as he campaigned to save the Republican majority, Bush declared that Rumsfeld would remain at the Pentagon through the end of his term.

Seems more like window dressing to me, but it is a moral victory for the brand new Democratic majority. Appears that the kitchen's getting a little too hot.

Of course, meet the new boss, worse than the old boss?

Robert Gates highlights:

* Served as Director of Central Intelligence from November 6, 1991 until January 20, 1993

* 26-year career in the CIA and the National Security Council.

* Only career officer in the CIA's history (as of 2005) to rise from entry-level employee to Director.

* Interim Dean of the George Bush School of Government and Public Service at Texas A&M from 1999 to 2001

* President of Texas A&M University

* During his tenure as a senior-ranking CIA official, Gates was close to many figures who played significant roles in the Iran/Contra affair and was in a position to have known of their activities. However, the evidence developed by Independent Counsel did not warrant indictment of Gates for his Iran/Contra activities.

And with the Administration moving quickly to replace the divisive Secretary of Defense with a trusted ally and close family friend, Gates can ride out the next two years as a lame duck SecDef, blaming any failures on the last guy while dodging any real responsibility.

Still, Rummy's resignation is a big win for the Democrats, with the GOP conceding that he's too much of a liabiliaty to keep any longer. And it's the first sign of any potential change in the current policy for Iraq.

What's that sound? The sands, they are a'shifting.

Purple Mountain Majesty

The map of the USA looks like it has a little more blue in it today.

Those other elections

Maybe it's just me, but the real races to watch?

Governor races.

Right now, 28 states have Republican governors. That includes those bastions of liberalism, those bluest of blue states California, New York, and Massachusetts.

But with this election, it's quite possible that Democrats will reclaim the governors' offices in the majority of states...

...and that's important for the future thrust of shifting the national debate.

Governor's races generally do not get as much attention as the contests for control of the House and Senate.

Yet a state's top politician has a much more immediate impact on a person's day-to-day life than congressional representatives, affecting schools, roads, even the companies that set up shop in a city or town.

Governors also craft domestic policy on health care, welfare, education and more. It was governors, for instance, who led the charge for welfare reform in the mid-1990s.

Political parties see the national implications, with strategists arguing that an effective governor can help organize and promote the state party, which in turn can help deliver votes for Congress and the presidency. And governorships can cultivate future national leaders, with four out of the last five presidents having first served as governor.

Like Tip O'Neill said, "All politics is local." And for the first time in over 10 years, the locals may be tipping to the left.

stuffed ballots

Oooooh, hio.




Salon's all over the story:

Schmidt isn't the only Ohio Republican suffering voting problems today. Her House colleague Steve Chabot tried to vote this morning but was turned away because his identification didn't comply with the state's voter I.D. law. His driver's license listed his business address. Although poll workers said they recognized the congressman, they told him he'd have to return with something showing his home address.

If elected officials in Missouri and South Carolina and Ohio are having trouble with new rules and new technology, we can only wonder how voters are doing in polling places where poll workers aren't expecting any media scrutiny -- and where voters with day jobs might not have the time to make multiple trips to the voting booth.

I just hope this doesn't become GOP fodder for this scenario...

Faith-based Democracy

"We got five machines. One of them's got to work."

-- Willette Scullank,
a polling place troubleshooter
shooting trouble this morning
in Cuyahoga County, Ohio.

Um, oh yeah. Show Tonight

Upcoming election making you nervous? Laugh it off, tonight:

LAUGHING LIBERALLY Every Monday Night at 8pm.
Join us for ELECTION EVE ENTERTAINMENT
Monday, November 6th - 8pm

LAUGHING LIBERALLY - Mon 11/06 @ 8pm
Featuring:
Harry Terjanian (MTV)
Benari Poulten (U.S. Army)
Lee Camp (E!)
Costaki Economopoulos (Montreal Just for Laughs Festival)
Jamie Jackson (Town Hall)

Followed by The Laughing Liberally Lab
a workshop of new political comedy at 9:30pm
FREE for audience from the 8pm; $5 for all others
Featuring: Kevin Bartini, Roger Weaver
Rob Driemeyer & Zero Boy

The 45th Street Theatre, 354 West 45th St, NYC
Tickets: $15 / $30
Get your tickets now!
Call: 1-800-838-3006
Or http://www.laughingliberally.com

Thank you. Call again.

Ah, the elegant simplicity of evil genius.

Sometimes, all it takes is a clever ploy, a fiendish scheme. Just set the plan into motion, kick back, and enjoy the sinister results.



From Salon, emphasis mine:

We've never been persuaded by a single call, but we've been annoyed by many, many, many of them.

The GOP seems to understand what's happened here. As Josh Marshall has been reporting at Talking Points Memo, the National Republican Campaign Committee appears to be using robo-calls to push voters away from Democrats in races all around the country. The tactic? Record a call that mentions the Democratic candidate right at the beginning, then load the negative stuff about the candidate into the end. If the recipient of the call listens to the full message, he or she hears a dose of negativity about the Democratic candidate. If the recipient hangs up before the message runs its course, the computer dials the same number repeatedly, leaving voters with the impression that the Democrats, not the Republicans, are the ones bombarding them with repeat calls.

Now, if only the GOP could somehow tamper with voting machines...

Someone's not having a good Sunday

Iraqi tribunal sentences Saddam to hang

Just in time to apparently have no impact on the US mid-term elections.

So, that's done. One less murderous madman in the world. What's interesting to me is what Saddam Hussein has actually been convicted of:

Saddam Hussein was convicted and sentenced Sunday to hang for crimes against humanity in the 1982 killings of 148 people in a single Shiite town, as the ousted leader, trembling and defiant, shouted "God is great!"

As he, his half brother and another senior official in his regime were convicted and sentenced to death by the Iraqi High Tribunal, Saddam yelled out, "Long live the people and death to their enemies. Long live the glorious nation, and death to its enemies!" Later, his lawyer said the former dictator had called on Iraqis to reject sectarian violence and refrain from revenge against U.S. forces.

The trial brought Saddam and his co-defendants before their accusers in what was one of the most highly publicized and heavily reported trials of its kind since the Nuremberg tribunals for members of Adolf Hitler's Nazi regime and its slaughter of 6 million Jews in the World War II Holocaust

"The verdict placed on the heads of the former regime does not represent a verdict for any one person. It is a verdict on a whole dark era that has was unmatched in Iraq's history," said Nouri al-Maliki, Iraq's Shiite prime minister.

I'm not going to compare numbers here -
2,831 US servicemembers have died as of 05NOV06,
20,687 US wounded,
44,779 total US casualties,
somewhere between 45,354 and 50,321 Iraqi civilian deaths -

yeah, let's not get into specific numbers here.

What I'm most concerned about is, what were US relations with Iraq like during this time, the Iran-Iraq War (1980-1988)?

From GWU's National Security Archive:

By mid-1982, Iraq was on the defensive against Iranian human-wave attacks. The U.S., having decided that an Iranian victory would not serve its interests, began supporting Iraq: measures already underway to upgrade U.S.-Iraq relations were accelerated, high-level officials exchanged visits, and in February 1982 the State Department removed Iraq from its list of states supporting international terrorism. (It had been included several years earlier because of ties with several Palestinian nationalist groups, not Islamicists sharing the worldview of al-Qaeda. Activism by Iraq's main Shiite Islamicist opposition group, al-Dawa, was a major factor precipitating the war -- stirred by Iran's Islamic revolution, its endeavors included the attempted assassination of Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz.)

Prolonging the war was phenomenally expensive. Iraq received massive external financial support from the Gulf states, and assistance through loan programs from the U.S. The White House and State Department pressured the Export-Import Bank to provide Iraq with financing, to enhance its credit standing and enable it to obtain loans from other international financial institutions. The U.S. Agriculture Department provided taxpayer-guaranteed loans for purchases of American commodities, to the satisfaction of U.S. grain exporters.

The U.S. restored formal relations with Iraq in November 1984, but the U.S. had begun, several years earlier, to provide it with intelligence and military support (in secret and contrary to this country's official neutrality) in accordance with policy directives from President Ronald Reagan. These were prepared pursuant to his March 1982 National Security Study Memorandum (NSSM 4-82) asking for a review of U.S. policy toward the Middle East.

If some of that was lost on you, let me stress a major point:

By mid-1982...The U.S., having decided that an Iranian victory would not serve its interests, began supporting Iraq...and in February 1982 the State Department removed Iraq from its list of states supporting international terrorism.

During this period of time, The US was normalizing relations with Iraq, throwing its support toward Iraq. So, if Saddam Hussein is guilty of crimes against humanity in 1982, what does that make this guy? The one shaking hands with Saddam in 1983:

The Adventure Continues...as it should have.

On November 28th, fans will be able to see Superman II as original director Richard Donner intended.

Unlike many "special edition" and “director’s cut” movies released over the years, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut will essentially be a completely new film. As much as half of the film contains never-before seen material filmed by Donner, including 15 minutes of restored Marlon Brando scenes as Superman's father Jor-El as well as numerous new Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder scenes. There will also be several newly-filmed shots with CGI enhancements. Richard Donner is credited as director of the film instead of Richard Lester—the original credited director of Superman II. More than half of Lester's footage filmed for Superman II will be removed from the film and replaced with Donner footage shot during the original principal photography from 1977-1978. Certain footage filmed by Richard Lester will fill in sequences that were not shot by Donner due to the halt in production for II. The film is dedicated to Christopher Reeve.

Now this is the Superman Returns I want to see!