Up, up, and...okay

"Sorry I've been away so long. I won't let you down again."


These are the last lines spoken by Superman at the end of Superman II.

And then, according to Bryan Singer, some scientists see remnants of Krypton and Kal-El immediately takes off into space, in search of his long-dead planet.

Ummm....didn't you just say that you wouldn't...ah, nevermind. Already, I can see the major holes in the plot for Superman Returns.

It looks gorgeous. But in the end, it was kind of a hollow movie. A beautiful love letter to the original movies with some nice spins...but there was no sense of closure, no new thrills.

Superman Returns is all homage and set-up without any real pay-off.

I wanted to like it more. I really enjoyed a lot of it, I thought the sets and special effects were fantastic, loved the cast...but the last 1/2 hour just really disappointed me.

And the central question of the movie - "does the world need Superman?" - was never actually answered!!

I'm just gonna bullet-point the highs and lows here.

Of course there are SPOILERS below!!!

First, the positive:

* The comforting embrace of nostalgia. Singer really creates a unifying sense of Superman's fim world. From the opening credits to the John Williams music to Brando's voice, this movie really explores and expands upon Donner's original vision and beautifully captures the majesty and epic scope of those first two films. And there's just something about those perfect notes and those triumphant horns....


* Singer truly created a unique Metropolis, with its own character and charm. In the movies, Metropolis was really just New York. Superman would often fly over the Statue of Liberty and the major battle of Superman II takes place, essentially, in Times Square. But here, Singer very subtley makes his mark on the franchise, giving us a Metropolis that's its own major metropolitan city. The Daily Planet building is straight out of the comic book, with it's giant globe piercing the Metropolis skyline. The bustling streets and the skyline have their own distinct traits. Singer keeps it in sync with the originals, but he develops it more. Sure, there's the Empire State Building along the skyline, but he also incorporates bridges and buildings that look like they could only belong to one place: Metropolis. Also, cute background mention of Gotham City in a tv news report. Always nice when they throw the geeks a bone.

* Noel Neil as the old dying lady, Gertrude, at the beginning. Excellent.

* Jack Larson as the bartender. Very classy. At one point, there's a shot of him and Jimmy together...I just thought that was sweet. One of the better movie cameos. Plus, I liked this Jimmy Olsen. There was a real sense of friendship and warmth between Jimmy and Clark. Very nice.

* Kevin Spacey. His Lex Luthor is a nice evolution of Hackman's original. A little more menacing, a little more hardened, but with that same sardonic glee and wicked humor.

* I have to give credit to young Brandon Routh. He made me believe that I can believe someone else can play Superman.

* The special effects were superb. And some beautiful shots of Superman lifting heavy things or blasting them with heat vision or cooling things off with cold breath...nice use of his powers and an excellent job all around. Super.

* The movie itself looked spectacular and it just exuded a tremendous love - love of this project, of the previous films, of the characters. A respectful and thoughtful tribute to what's come before.

*Nice nod to Action Comics #1, loved the Aquaman jammies, and all the other nice little flourishes. For the fanboys.

* The last shot was a nice touch.

The not so positive...

* The big climax is that Superman fights a giant slab of earth? Okay, it was cool that he's picking up a giant slab of the earth...but...the movie then goes on for another 1/2 an hour. I mean, the plane scene was the most action-packed, and that happened in the first third of the movie. When does he hit stuff?

* They made Superman so status quo. He just does his thing. Why does the world need Superman? Because he's there. I was waiting for Lois to sum up why the world DOES need a Superman. Or for Superman to inspire people. In Superman II, when the crowd thinks the evil Kryptonians have killed the Man of Steel, they are inspired to fight back in his honor. When Superman lay dying in a hosptial (don't get me started on THAT), where were the acts of heroism inspired by the Last Son of Krypton? Where was the impact he has on people shown? Yeah, they wanted him to get better, but...why couldn't we see how Superman inspired people to be better, to do better, to make the world better?

* He was kind of selfish. I mean, Superman II was all about the repurcussions of him acting in his own self-interest. And then, apparently, he didn't learn his lesson at all...

* The kid's his. From when he slept with Lois in Superman II. Okay. Fine. But let's look at the problems, starting with the two reasons why the kid couldn't have super powers.

1. Kal-El sleeps with Lois after he gives up his powers, when he's simply a mortal man.

2. "...the lights were on out here, while he was safe...in there..." Even if his Kryptonian DNA were passed on, when Superman reverses the molecule chamber stripping the evil Kryptonians of their powers, Lois was also outside. Carrying their child, apparently. Who would have been exposed to the rays and thereby made mortal. So, there ya go.

Also, the first time he uses his powers, the kid kills a guy. Great. And it happens half way through the movie. We get the big revelation and then...that's it. If you're gonna do that, tease it a little more. Make the ending have a little more impact. Instead, the last 1/2 hour just tells us what we already know. Because you already TOLD us.

Other problems with the kid, and here's the big one:

LOIS HAS NO IDEA SHE EVER SLEPT WITH SUPERMAN! HE ERASED HER MEMORY WITH A KISS TO RELIEVE HER OF THE BURDEN OF HAVING TO SHARE HIS SECRET. So, if she got pregnant, she wouldn't know it was his. Basically, she'd just wake up pregnant one day. Aaaaaand, if Superman left, and Richard White could possibly be the dad (so she says)...she sure did get over him pretty damn fast. She would have had to sleep with him within days of Superman's disappearance (unless Superman took off for space, like, immediately after saying he would never leave again - like, THAT DAY - and if so, then he's really a dick) AND she would have to be pretty careless with the whole safe sex thing.

AND Superman never really tells her that "yeah, it could be mine, because we slept together but then I made you forget everything with my super kiss" ... WHICH MAKES THE WHOLE THING EXTRA CREEPY.

* um, the story? Where was it?

* I guess I expected a little more chemistry between Brandon and Kate.

* The script? It's overly sentimental with a lot of heavy-handed symbolism and an almost slavish devotion to the originals. Hey, I loved the first two movies. But I've seen them. I didn't need to hear all the best lines over again. And all the best lines in THIS movie were just rehashed lines from the original! I was hoping for some new material, not a poor man's imitation of the first movie...I didn't want to see Superman Redux. The script is, in the words of General Zod, "Scruffy. So morbid. A sentimental replica of a planet long since vanished."

* The criminals were never brought to justice. I never saw Superman get back at those thugs for kicking the crap out of him. Kumar and crew just get crushed by rock. Randomly. Superman never even goes after Luthor to bring him to justice?! What?! Lex and Parker Posey stranded on a desert island? How is that justice? Poetic justice, fine. But Superman's whole schtick is fighting for "Truth, JUSTICE, and the American Way." He fights for JUSTICE! He wouldn't leave it up to irony to punish Lex. I would have been fine with that scene if Lex turned around and Superman was just hovering there. "Looks like you made a bad real estate investment, Luthor." Something. HE NEVER PUNISHES LEX LUTHOR!!! No closure. And no justice.

* The Daily Planet staff is really stupid. "Hi, Clark. Haven't seen you in years. Welcome ba- Oh! Superman's back on the same day! I'm sure there's no correlation!" Sloppy.

* The whole Jesus thing? I got it. But his whole line about "every day I hear them calling out" for a savior? Eh. There's more to it than that. He's a beacon, a light to lead the way...he's not supposed to be THE WAY. Dig?

* Um, as soon as Clark hears about Lex Luthor being out of jail, wouldn't he maybe, um, try to track him down?

* The end was just a let-down. There was no "F*@% YEAH!" moment. In Superman and in Superman II, we were treated to several "F*@% YEAH" moments. Superman II alone has enough "F*@% YEAH" moments for its own movie. "General, care to step outside?" Superman kneeling before Zod, then crushing his hand and lifting him over his head as the music swells. Going back to the diner for some payback. "Oh, I've been...working out." This movie had none of that. It definitely would have benefited from a little more "ooomph" in the ending. And really, its lackluster ending made me walk out of the theater feeling kind of let down instead of jazzed up.

In conclusion: it's disappointing. There's a lot of great things in it, but it never really comes together to make it a great movie. And after seeing it, it just made me want to watch the first two movies even more. So, maybe that's the power of this movie: to make you feel really excited about seeing the old Superman movies again.

But it did look cool.

I don't normally agree with the NY Post...

Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks Kenny Boy is sipping margaritas on a tropical island somewhere off the coast.

Saw it.

Will post my thoughts.


But I have to wait until Ross sees it before I can discuss it.

Monday.

I mean, really. I can't go spoiling things for my number one reader and the Arbiter of All Things True.

That would certainly be very un-Superman-like.

The Return

I hope the new movie is good.
Today, I'll be thinking of the guy who first made me believe that a man could fly.

just the messenger

I believe the Tank will be hosting the last of the Laughing Liberally Labs for a while, so here's a little something from the promotion department:

After touring LA, Vegas & Boston,
LAUGHING LIBERALLY returns to NYC.

Join us for ONE NIGHT of Laughter from the Left. Smart, savvy and surprising, these comedians give "blue humor" a whole new meaning.

LAUGHING LIBERALLY
Wed, June 28th - 8:30 & 10pm
The Tank - 279 Church St, btw Franklin & White
Tix: $5-$10, as you wish
www.LaughingLiberally.com

They packed the house on Broadway at Town Hall.

In LA, they brought 1,000 people to their feet.

In Vegas, they entertained Howard Dean, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, Joe Wilson, & the YearlyKos blogger convention.

In Boston, they packed the house at the home theater of famed Jimmy Tingle.

Now, the comedians of Laughing Liberally return.
Come welcome them home.

Featuring -

8:30pm: Dean Obiedallah, Negin Farsad,
Harry Terjanian & Lee Camp

10:00pm: Baratunde Thurston, Benari Poulten,
Rob Driemeyer, Roger Weaver & David Hodorowski

soft news day

It's just funny when they're *such* stereotypical caricatures of themselves.

Yeah, sure this is kind of an impotent jab at the bombastic and holier-than-thou Rush, but screw 'im. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Er...yeah.

Rush Limbaugh could see a deal with prosecutors in a long-running prescription fraud case collapse after authorities found a bottle of Viagra in his bag at Palm Beach International Airport. The prescription was not in his name.

Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at the airport after returning from a vacation in the Dominican Republic. Customs officials found the Viagra in his luggage but his name was not on the prescription, said Paul Miller, a spokesman for the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office.

Miller said the alleged violation could be a second-degree misdemeanor. The sheriff's office was investigating and will soon turn the case over to the state attorney's office, which had no immediate comment Tuesday.

Under the deal reached last month with prosecutors, Limbaugh was not to be arrested for any infraction for 18 months in exchange for authorities deferring a charge of "doctor shopping." Prosecutors had alleged the conservative talk-show host illegally deceived multiple physicians to receive overlapping painkiller prescriptions.

friendly neighborhood

Spider-Man 3 filmed in my neighborhood this past weekend.

Which is awesome...unless you drove in late last night and had to find a parking spot.

brilliant quote o' the day

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

-Martin Brody
(Roy Scheider)

Jaws

written by Peter Benchley (novel & screenplay) and Carl Gottlieb (screenplay)

Directed by little Stevie Spielberg

character building

One thing I'm learning right now is that when writing scripts, it's essential to create interesting, vibrant characters. Not for all the obvious reasons, but because you - as the writer - are forced to spend a lot of time with these characters. They better be people you enjoy spending time with!

"You talk like a comic book, man."

Matt Fraction is having fun writing comic books, and Casanova proves it.

From the above quote - itself a riff on funky karate master Jim Kelly's badass retort to the evil crimelord Han in Enter the Dragon - to the trippy locales, twisted plot, whacked out characters, and drug-fueled insanity, this is what comics should be like. Outrageous, derivative-yet-wholly-original mini works of art. True POP culture junkfood.

Fraction gleefully proclaims his influences - from Jim Steranko to Phil Spector - and takes readers through the outlandish world of super-sleuth Casanova Quinn, a rebellious second-generation spy who's pretty much a degenerate fuck-up.

Fraction sometimes skates a thin line along the cracked ice - perhaps it's getting a little repetitive to see over-the-top analogues to Nick Fury, his agents of SHIELD, and the evil Hordes of HYDRA...Warren Ellis is simultaneously doing the same thing in NEXTWAVE...but, overall, Fraction manages to pull it off. His characters exude a frenetic charm and the story moves at such a break-neck pace that the comic book has a look and feel that's uniquely its own. Like throwing Maker's Mark and a Porterhouse steak in a blender; it might be messy, but it's gonna taste good.

Unafraid to revel in utter madness - and at a buck-ninety-nine - Casanova is a savory slab of juicy, madcap fun. So why haven't you read it yet?!

Dan the Mullet Guy

So, for those who have not seen this, here's some rare footage of Florida comic Dan Whitney from waaaay back in the 80s (presumably), long before he adopted his Sith name, Larry the Cable Guy.

At that time, he apparently modeled his look after Paula Poundstone.

back in the saddle

Aaaaaannnd, we're back.


When we performed the Geek Council, I always regretted that we never really discussed Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins.

From the minds of novelists Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir, screenwriter Christopher Wood, and director Guy Hamilton.

Fred Ward as a thought-to-be-dead-NYC-cop-turned-super-secret-assassin-
tough-guy-martial-arts-bad-ass! Joel Grey as his Asian-Yoda-like-mentor! Wilford Brimley as the head of a shadow-ring of assassins! Wilford Quakin' Brimley, people!!

It even has future-Trekkie Kate Mulgrew...

...and Marv Albert's voice, before we found out he likes to bite chicks. YES!


Oh, the heights of geekdom we could have climbed, picking apart this geektacular spectacle of 80's brilliance.

I mean, when sketchy-black-dude-working-for-Wilford-Brimley Conn MacCleary dubs him "Remo Williams," he takes his inspiration from a bed pan. "A lot of thought went into it," he whispers smoothly, like a refreshing gulp of Colt 45.

Magnificent.

Remember when the Statue of Liberty was undergoing reconstruction and was encased in scaffolding? Forget David Copperfield making it disappear, this movie truly immortalizes that moment in history with a battle royale on Liberty Island...

Seriously, it's weird that Remo Williams never really achieved the cult status of 1984's The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension...I'm sure it was seen as some sort of knock-off flick. But the two are beautifully deranged in far different ways, each revelling in the awesome absurdity of geekiness.

"You're going to be the Eleventh Commandment: 'Thou shalt not get away with it.'"

-Conn MacCleary
(J. A. Preston)

Big Time

From the Boston Globe:

COMEDY NOTES
Stage gives him a place to express himself politically
By Nick A. Zaino III, Globe Correspondent
June 16, 2006

Political comedy and social satire require a bit of a risk for a comedian. Any time a performer exposes a point of view or a personal experience , there's a chance the audience might not agree or identify.

For one of the comics on the bill for Laughing Liberally, playing Jimmy Tingle's Off Broadway theater this weekend and next, the show is about finding a comfortable place to be himself.

Chelmsford native Benari Poulten, 28, is an Army reservist, the third generation in his family to serve in the military. He was stationed at Guantanamo Bay for a year, from 2002 to 2003. So when he criticizes his boss in his stand-up, there's a little more at stake than for your average working stiff.

``It puts me in a very difficult position, because sometimes as much as I'd like to really say something, I don't want to get sent back to Guantanamo," he says, laughing.

Politics are in Poulten's blood. He says his father, a 30-year veteran reservist, is a ``yellow dog Democrat," and some of Poulten's earliest memories include watching Walter Mondale lose in the 1984 presidential election.

Poulten left Boston and a gig as an aide to Democratic Representative Marty Meehan 2 1/2 years ago and went to New York and started getting serious about stand-up. Naturally, he turned to politics for material. It's a chance for him to vent -- albeit carefully.

``In the Army, you have to be a little more diplomatic about what you say," he says. ``The stage really became a great outlet for me to really talk about these conflicting feelings and what's going on."

Laughing Liberally started in New York two years ago at a small black box theater called the Tank and moved on to New York's 1,500-seat Town Hall venue earlier this year.

Organizer Justin Krebs says the show is meant to have a political impact and develop the next generation of satirists. And that's a task he won't entrust to comedy clubs, citing what he believes is a dearth of political stand-up beyond stars Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo , Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert.

``You have this top level of smart, thoughtful political humor, but you don't have that much of a farm team below them," he says.

Last month's Town Hall gig was a boost for Poulten.

``That's the biggest venue I've ever played, and it was probably one of the best sets I've ever had," he says. ``They were a really fantastic crowd."

Laughing Liberally plays Jimmy Tingle’s Off Broadway tonight, tomorrow,

and next Thursday-Saturday. Visit www.jtoffbroadway.com or call 617-591-1616.

opsec

Don't worry, faithful reader (I know there's one o' you out there) - I ain't dead. Just serving Uncle Sam these past two weeks.

The fact that I've been on active military duty when Al-Zarqawi was reported killed by US and coalition forces is, of course, pure coincidence.


I don't want to say what I'll be up to this weekend, but if you happen to be in the Boston area this Friday or Saturday night, you might wanna swing by Jimmy Tingle's Off-Broadway Theater in Davis Square.

You didn't hear it from me.

Out here.

Xs and Os

Geek Council Thursday, in memoriam!

Saw X-Men: The Last Stand yesterday and...

eh. *SPOILER WARNING*

If you've seen it, read on. If not...well, as Prof. Xavier hissed, "I warned you."


Unlike many other geeks, I am not disgusted with the departure from the source material, nor do I care if they wear costumes with masks or not. I care about consistency, characters and their relationships, logic (within the world of the movie), some kick-ass sfx and action sequences, and good writing.

X-Men: The Last Stand did have some spectacular action sequences. And there were some nice character moments. Juggernaut was fun entertainment. And Sir Ian McKellen's Magneto is sublime, as always. In fact, he's even more villainous and cold-hearted than ever.

But. It was a flimsy movie. Good for some 'splosions, some cute scenes and cool shots, but nowhere near reaching its full potential. It tries to do too much and cram too many things into an hour and forty-five minutes. And in doing so, it fails to do much of anything.

Had they just stuck to ONE conflict (Magneto's brotherhood, the mutant cure, Phoenix...), they would have had more than enough for a compelling movie. Instead, the film makers try "a little bit of this" and "a little bit of that" and come up with a bland and tepid crock o' mutants.

And I don't blame Brett Ratner, who I think actually did a nice job. No, I blame the writers. From start to finish, it was just lazy writing, a paint-by-numbers and hack-it-out script, moving from action point A to action point B, insert movie star mugging scene here, some sort of muddled goals, throw the geeks a few bones (Hi, Moira MacTaggart!), and wrap it up in an adamantium bow. I'm sure this script had more hands in it than Nicole Richie, but there's no excuse for such poor dialogue and wasted opportunities on this high-profile a franchise movie.

It was an entertaining diversion when it could have been a thrilling, multi-layered and complex blockbuster.

The most egregious sin was their treatment of Scott Summers. Now, the last two movies have certainly given him short shrift, turning him into little more than a whiny dick...but his treatment in this movie? An unceremonious death within the first 15 minutes?! And the characters barely even care? WTF?! Just proves how inconsequential Cyclops has been to these movies that he could be so callously discarded, with nary a blip on the mutants' radar.

Surely, the first X-Man deserves better.

Even worse, he was and is Jean's anchor, one third of the volatile Logan-Jean-Scott love triangle. At the heart of the Dark Phoenix Saga, is their love story. Scott's unbreakable will and his willingness to stand by Jean, even in the face of complete destruction. To eradicate that dramatic tension is inexcusable. It reveals that the writers did not know how to write his character and had no idea what to do with him in this movie, so they killed him off.

I don't care that they didn't stick religiously to the original comic books. But they didn't even stick to the themes, ignoring the very things that made the stories resonate so powerfully in the first place.

I think of the final scene between Logan and Jean, when he finally tells her he loves her and then pops his claws, killing her. Imagine how much more powerful the ending would have been if the struggle was between Scott trying to do everything in his power to save Jean and keep her alive...and Wolverine, forced to do the only thing he knows will set her free. Imagine if it came down to Scott and Logan - both in love with Jean - having to choose. Scott, ultimately, could not kill her out of his passionate love for her but Logan...struggling with his own rage, knowing what it's like to lose control, can and does kill her. Because of his passionate love for her. Now, THAT'S a love triangle. And both of those characters would have to bear the burden. Scott, for not being able to let her go and Logan, for being able to do the one thing he's best at.

Was it a fun movie? I enjoyed good chunks of it. But like the zombie-Jean Grey/Phoenix of the movie, it was hollow; all joy, passion, anger, and rage. It could have used a little more substance and heart to give this pretty shell a soul.

trooped up

The other night, I watched Donald Rumsfeld talking to Larry King about the war. Good ol' Larry asked him about his response to his critics. Rummy responded with a nice little story in which he said he visited an airport for some well-wishing of an Army unit who had just come off a tour in Iraq and was now headed back to the desert for a third rotation. He said that as the soldiers boarded the plane, people in the airport broke out into applause. He liked that. He said it shows the American people support the troops.

Nice story. Sweet.

And I'm glad that most Americans do support the troops...

Of course, it has nothing to do with Rumsfeld or his policies or even the question asked of him. In fact, his little yarn begs a more terrible question that has gone unanswered: why is an Army unit deploying on a THIRD rotation to Iraq?!

Larry certainly didn't ask him.

And what has supporting the troops got to do with Rummy's response to his critics?

Everything.

See, it's like a magic trick. Politicians in power screw up and when someone calls them on it, they use a bit of misdirection. Not to be confused with misinformation, which is just a lie. No, the misdirection is far more devious. Misdirection involves hiding behind an inarguable truth and suddenly, you're not debating the substance of a problem, you're arguing whether or not Saddam is bad, whether or not you like paying taxes, or whether or not you support the troops.

None of these are real arguments. They are merely a smokescreen to mask the losing argument of a real debate. When someone who screwed up war planning trots out the ol' "I support the troops" chesnut, just think of it like this: they're pretty much using troops as human shields to protect themselves from the bullets of honest criticism.

If someone screws up, it's their job to fix it. And if they can't or won't, then someone else has to. For politicians, this means either forcing them to correct their mistakes or get rid of them and replace them with someone who will. This is called accountability.

For more on responsibility, I point you to John Rogers' excellent Memorial Day post, which has been widely circulated around these here internets.

An excerpt:

I understand why one would cling to a worldview wherein this Administration has not screwed up both this war and the fulfillment of our duty to the men and women fighting it. But that worldview is there for your comfort, to make you feel brave in demanding action, or secure in the idea that your government is competent, or noble in pursuit of higher ideals of patriotism or freedom. It is our responsibility to be clear-headed, mature, and frankly ruthless enough to discard our own emotional needs and kick the Bastards when they need kicking.

If you fail to even make that tiny effort -- hold the Bastards accountable -- to insure the troops the material, planning and care they need, then no matter what you say, what you write, or how many flags you wave, you are not supporting the troops. I am sure the pfc. with no body armor, no armored Hummer, on his third of who knows how many tours while his family goes quietly bankrupt appreciates your "support for his mission." But the other shit matters more. You are not holding our representatives accountable for their failures. You are not living up to your responsibility. You have broken the covenant. With this relationship broken, the soldiers are no longer your proxies, they are your instruments. You are treating them as tools. You may not feel that way, that characterization may fill you with rage, but how else to characterize such one-sided relationship?

There is a goddam world of difference between asking a man to risk his life to defend the nation and waste his life proving a point.

That these unquestioning war devotees will not sacrifice their lives, their comfort, their safety: that's hardly a sin in modern society. But they are not even willing to risk emotional discomfort by admitting their faith has been misplaced. That they will not even risk this, this tiny, tiny thing ... that is the sin. It is not that that you're not risking your life. It's that you are risking nothing.

One more thing I'll add. I know it's become difficult to sometimes tell the difference between the Democrats and Republicans these days. Both have become stubborn and single-minded in their arguments. But here's how you can tell the difference. Democrats are, and have always been, the party of the donkey. Republicans have become the party of jack-asses.

Today's Memorial Day quote

Let me see if I've got this straight: in order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy any more and I have to keep flying.

-Yossarian
(Alan Arkin)

Catch-22

Screenplay by Buck Henry

Novel by Joseph Heller


HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AMERICANS!

welcome back, Kal-El

Actual conversation between me and Ross. Edited for our own protection. And yes. These are the things geeks talk about.

Me: ...but I just don't buy that he left the Earth for 10 years after Superman II.

Ross: I'm sure they'll give him a good reason.

Me: I'm guessing that's how the movie starts. "Bad shit happened and then Superman took off."

Ross: If they don't explain it, the next movie better be called: Superman Returns 2: The Really Good Reson Why The Hell He Left in the First Place!

Me: And are they gonna explain why everyone looks younger? Superman looks younger han he did in the first movie.

Ross: That's what happens to you in space.

Me: Superman's really from Ork?

Ross: See? You just explained it. And Lois has a kid now, who's Jonathan Winters.

Me:But the entire premise is flawed. Because at the end of Superman II, he puts the flag on the White House and he's all, "I'm sorry I let you down. It won't happen again." And then he jut flies off for 10 years?! It doesn't make sense.

Ross: They're keeping the continuity of the first two movies, right? But they're ignoring Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace?

Me: THAT would be a good reason. I would use Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace as the justification for him leaving Earth. THAT I could buy.

Lay'd

Lay convicted on all 6 counts
1 minute ago
Enron founder Kenneth Lay was convicted today of all six counts against him, including conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud.

Former Enron Chief Executive Jeffrey Skilling was convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud.

Massive corporate fraud? Millions of dollars.

Ex-Enron workers who lost jobs, pensions, and more? Thousands.

Charges against Kenny Boy Lay? Six.

Going to jail because he was found guilty of all six charges? Priceless.

end of the season "24"

Okay.

Admit it. That was a great season of 24.

It brought together pre-existing threads very nicely and beautifully set up future plotlines with ease. Pissed off a German spy and his government? Check. Left the death of Henderson slightly ambiguous? Check. Shadowy secret uber-agency controlling things? Check.

*SPOILER ALERT*

The Chinese Government kidnapping Jack and throwing him on a slow torture boat to China was a brilliant final twist and promises an intense 6th season, far from American shores.

But I think my favorite little bit of this season was the last minute addition of Morris, Chloe's ex-husband. That guy was like a concentrated bit of Warren Ellis goodness. He had less than 5 minutes of screen time, but he stole the show. Looking forward to more of that guy next season.

Nice job, writers of 24! Well done.

What Would Jesus Watch?

Look, I'm not trying to convert anyone here. But by golly, I LOVE YouTube.

Why do I love it so? Just ask Little Marcy.

The Show

The show was fantastic.

I totally felt like a rock star after my set.

So, yeah. That was cool.

brilliant quote o' the day

From Pulp Fiction.

Written by Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avary (stories).

The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride.

-Marsellus Wallace
(Ving Rhames)

My name is in the NYT

The New York Times
May 19, 2006

'Laughing Liberally': Punch Lines With a Political Agenda
By NEIL GENZLINGER

Another bruising battle in the take-no-prisoners war for America's ideological soul will be fought tonight at Town Hall in Midtown Manhattan. It should be pretty funny.

The event, "Laughing Liberally," will feature an assortment of stand-up comics doing what stand-up comics do, only, well, more liberally. It is one of a series of shows organized by Justin Krebs, Katie Halper and David Alpert as a counter to the talk-radio right, the idea being to use humor to advance a liberal perspective.

Will Durst, whose résumé includes PBS and NPR, is the biggest name on the bill; the lineup also includes Jim David, Julie Goldman, Negin Farsad, Benari Poulten and Dean Obeidallah. Yes, there are likely to be George W. Bush jokes, but Mr. Krebs said the intent was to define liberalism much more broadly, encompassing social issues like the growing gap between rich and poor.

"We are trying not to just bash away," he said. And, he noted, when there is bashing, it is likely to be not just of Republicans. "Some of the biggest laughs our first show got in February was when people made fun of the Democrats," he said.

For Mr. Obeidallah, an Arab-American comic who will lead off the evening, the beauty of the "Laughing Liberally" banner is that he does not have to stick to lowest-common-denominator jokes about relationships and sex. "I can do my smartest material," he said. "I can do jokes about the Patriot Act. I can do jokes about domestic spying."

In a club, he said, he may slip in a little material of that type, but at tonight's show "we can do the top of the comedy pyramid" for the full set.

Of course, a few well-known names are already doing such stuff: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo. Mr. Krebs said that part of the intent of "Laughing Liberally" was to broaden the ranks beyond that top tier.

"We think that there needs to be more of a training ground," he said. "There's a big gap. There's not really a farm team out there right now."

About a year ago he and his partners began staging small shows in New York called "Laughing Liberally Labs." Mr. Krebs, 28, said it was his father, the theatrical producer Eric Krebs, who helped push them to think bigger. Their first large-scale show drew more than 1,300 people to Town Hall last February, he said, and ended up being "part comedy show, part rock show, part rally."

Now, in addition to tonight's reprise, the group is planning a June 3 show in Los Angeles and future dates in Las Vegas and Boston. Maybe it's wishful thinking to imagine that humor can effect change. But to Mr. Obeidallah at least, an excellent time to impart new ideas to people is when they are laughing.

"Everyone's guard's up when they're watching the news," he said. "But comedy, their guard is down."

"Laughing Liberally" will be performed tonight at 8 at Town Hall, 123 West 43rd Street, Manhattan, (212) 730-2423, and on June 3 atthe Wadsworth Theater, Los Angeles.

laugh, you filthy hippies

Come see the show that's already been plugged on MyDD and Daily Kos.

Friday Night's Town Hall show!

LAUGHING LIBERALLY
One Night Political Comedy Show
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!
Friday, May 19, 2006 - 8:30pm
Town Hall, 123 W 43rd Street


Step away from the computer and come see real live actual comedy. In real life!!

C'mon cyber hippies! Freedom is on the march!

welcome back, jerk!

I know I'm a little late on this one, but let's all take a moment to welcome Rob Reuter back to the online world of alcohol-fueled rants with the triumphant return of The American Jerk.

Have you clicked over to check it out yet?

Congratulations. You are now on the Terrorist Watch list.

Stop crying. You were on it anyway. Might as well enjoy a few laughs...

Someone call Colbert!!

Bears Attack Monkey!


The horror. The horror.

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned.

It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.

Not even the monkeys are safe from bears.

Sloth bears, no less. What I can only assume to be the laziest of the bear family.

Robo Quote

"I'd buy that for a dollar!"

-Bixby Snyder
(S.D. Nemeth)

Robocop

Written by Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner.

It's not an invasion if you're asking for it...

Countries ain't the only thing our guv'ment is good at invading...

...but "invasion of privacy" sounds so sordid. Let's just say "information mining."

Eavesdropping on everyone is not an invasion, says Bush

By Mark Coultan Herald Correspondent in New York
May 13, 2006


PRESIDENT George Bush has denied the US Government is invading the privacy of its citizens after reports Washington is trying to compile a database of every phone call made by Americans.

That's awesome.

"Hey, bud, just because we're eavesdropping on everybody, it don't mean we're invading your privacy."

Uh, then what is it?

"It's just monitoring your daily activities, personal habits, and regular communications with other human beings."

Oh. Thanks for clearing that up.

USA Today said on Thursday that the secret program, conducted by the National Security Agency, was the largest database ever assembled. It quoted one source as saying its goal was "to create a database of every call ever made" within US borders.

The report said the program does not listen to or record calls, but mines telephone records to look for calling patterns that could show terrorist activity.

Most identifying data, such as customers' names and addressees, have been removed from the phone records provided to the Government. But the phone numbers can easily be cross-referenced against other data to match these personal details.

Three of America's largest telecommunications companies, AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, have co-operated with the Government by handing over the data. Only one big company, Qwest, refused, saying it was uneasy about handing over its customers' private records without a court warrant.

Mr Bush did not deny the story directly, but said: "We're not mining or trawling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to al-Qaeda and their known affiliates. So far we've been very successful in preventing another attack on our soil."

Senator Dianne Feinstein, a Democrat, said there was a looming constitutional clash between the Administration and the Fourth Amendment, which guarantees protection against unreasonable search and seizure.

Arlen Specter, the Republican chairman of the judiciary committee, said he would hold hearings into the program and intended to call the heads of the three big telephone companies.

One immediate consequence will be a much more difficult confirmation process for General Michael Hayden, the former head of the National Security Agency, as Mr Bush's choice as the next head of the CIA.

He cancelled a day of meetings, and when confronted by television cameras said only that everything the NSA had done was within the law.

The story visibly annoyed Mr Bush, who said every such story "hurts our ability to defeat this enemy". He said all NSA activities were within the law, and appropriate members of Congress from both parties had been briefed.

The NSA has previously been revealed as having conducted a phone-tapping surveillance program, where one party was outside the US, without seeking warrants. But the new program goes much wider than this.

The political fallout is uncertain. Mr Bush managed to fight off criticism of the overseas eavesdropping program. Most Democrat congressman backed off their criticism of it when opinion polls showed most Americans were not concerned about the Government bugging overseas phone calls. But this program, potentially affecting all Americans, could be different.

BIG NUMBERS

* More than 200 million US telephone accounts and more than a trillion telephone calls made since late 2001 are included in the database.

* The US phone system is anchored by four companies: AT&T, Verizon Communications, BellSouth and Qwest Communications.

* BellSouth covers the south-east and is being acquired by AT&T, which has territories from Texas to Michigan, California and Nevada.

* It is the norm for phone companies and mobile phone operators to provide information to authorities if there is a proper subpoena.

All Apologies

Reports said to confirm lawsuit linking
AT&T to `data mining'
By Pete Carey
Mercury News

It's not just phone calls, it's e-mail, too, according to a lawsuit that accuses AT&T of turning over vast amounts of domestic phone and Internet traffic to the National Security Agency.

As a stand-up comic, a member of the US Army Reserve, a politically active citizen, and a graduate student...I've probably said some things. Over e-mail, on the cell phone, on the stage...

...things.

Things that...you know...I mean, people say things. Satirical things. Acerbic things. Crazy things.

Jokes, really.

Anyway, let's just say, I've said some things.

So, with the latest revelations of this massive betrayal of privacy by private corporations who would turn you over to a faceless government bureaucracy for a few tax credits...

...Let me just apologize to any and everyone who I may have said some things to.

I'd hate to think that Ross now has a sleeper agent hiding in the trunk of his car ready to schiv him because he joked about the United 93 movie. Not to name names, BIG BROTHER. ha ha ha. Sorry, Ross.

I'd hate to think that some joke I may have made in a comedy club could endanger said club and its staff and performers.

It's just that, uh, because of me, somewhere, it's very possible that a SWAT team is busting down the doors of a Chuckle Hut right now.

Sorry.

For the geeks: OYL spin-offs

Scipio asks what spin-offs we'd like to see in the post-Infinite Crisis era of DC Comics.

Here's what I want to see:

A multi-media, 12-part R. Kelly-style hip-hopera!




Jason Todd: Trapped in the Coffin. Chapters 1-12.

In Sox news...

With the Yankees leading 2-0 in the third, there was just something so perfect about David Ortiz driving in a run and tagging first base safely on an error made by last year's American League MVP Alex Rodriguez. Which then led to a wild pitch, scoring a runner from third and tying the game, followed by a solid shot from Manny Ramirez that brought Ortiz home and gave the Red Sox their first lead of the game.

Check out the sister blog for the rest of my Sox ramblings.

Stand Up Guy

John Morrison has got to be the nicest, most respectful guy in NY stand-up right now.

He puts together a great little monthly show at the Cornelia St. Cafe in NY and although the audience was light last night, they were friendly, engaged, and generous with their laughter.

As for the man himself, well, I don't mean to gush, but John really knows how to treat a comic. He provides food and drink and even a little money (it's a paid gig), the show order is given far in advance, so you know exactly when you're going on, and he packs the show with a great variety of different comics, men and women of all backgrounds and styles...it's really a great show.

It's like he just really loves good comedy or something?

The Morrison Motel has one more show before a summer break, the second Tuesday in June. You should go. It's a great show filled with excellent comics and an audience who's there to laugh. It's a cheap cover and a $6 drink minimum (the beers are only $5, so a Stella and a coke'll do it...but the food's great, too!) And John could use the support. He runs a room in this city that actually treats comics as people and respects them as performers. I know, it's making me a little misty, too.

Second Tuesday in June. I'll see you all there.

Morrison Motel Tuesday Night

Thought I'd pass on some friendly self-promotion for a show I'm on tomorrow night.

Tuesday, May 9th, 8:30 PM

Morrison Motel @ Cornelia Street Cafe

Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia Street, between Bleecker and West 4th. A,C,E,B,D,F & V trains to West 4th. 1 train to Christopher St. (212) 989-9319 for reservations.

8:30 pm. $5 cover, $6 drink minimum.

John Morrison hosts Frank Vignola, Susan Prekel, Claudia Cogan, Benari Poulten, Catie Lazarus, Elon James White, Ray Field and Daniel Tassew.

quote anything

Finishing up my first of year of Grad School.
And as I contemplate my crushing debt and uncertain future, I'm feelin' kind of Lloyd Dobbler. So, this week's quote is, of course, a classic from:

Say Anything.

Written and directed by Cameron Crowe.

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

-Lloyd Dobbler
(John Cusack)

Go shorty.

It's your birthday.

And Geordarna's gonna party like it's her birthday.

Cuz it is.

A long time ago...

You could watch the original Star Wars movies exactly as you had seen them in the movie theater.

But you couldn't get them on DVD. Well, not legally.

But now you can.

Die-hard Star Wars fans soon can see the original theatrical versions of the first three Star Wars films on DVD.

Even though George Lucas adamantly declared 2004's digitally restored Star Wars Trilogy DVDs the definitive versions of his movies, fans have held out hope for DVDs of the originals.

Their wishes will be granted Sept. 12 when Fox releases new two-disc DVDs ($30 each) of Star Wars (since retitled as Episode IV: A New Hope), The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi that include the films as they first appeared in theaters, along with the new, restored versions (now available in the four-disc $70 Star Wars Trilogy).

The individual DVDs will be taken off the market on Dec. 31, a strategy that Disney uses on many of its classic releases.

Why didn't they just release them this way in the first place?

Back in 2004, Lucas told the New York Post, "The special edition is the one I wanted out there."

This new set of DVDs does not constitute "George changing his mind," says Lucasfilm's Jim Ward.

Nope. Lucas just decided he wanted a few extra bucks.

I hate to be cynical, but...Lucas has gone from giving fans what they want to duping them into buying what he wants them to buy, when he wants them to buy. It's almost as if he believes that he's doing the right thing, but has become blinded by his own passions. It's eerily similar to ... some famous film character. Darth something or other. Has Lucas lost his way? Has he fallen down that dark path, seduced by the Dark Side?

I know. I know. My lack of faith is disturbing.

Make Your Own Jeter Joke

Thank you, NY Post!!!

And, yes. That is EXACTLY what the front page of today's New York Post looks like.

Thank you.

*Okay, so I posted this elsewhere, as well...but come on! This NY Post cover is a gift to Red Sox fans EVERYWHERE! A GIFT! It should be shared as much as possible with the entire WORLD! Or at least, the world wide web.

Cajones

Standing 10 feet away from the President, Stephen Colbert said many things last night.

So many quotes to choose from...

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

----------------

I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

-----------------

Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.

He never broke character, he never pulled a punch. He made a room full of some of the most powerful people in the world squirm. I love this country.

God Bless Stephen Colbert, who exemplifies truthiness and is a true American patriot.

Watch the video via Crooks and Liars or via YouTube. Uncomfortably biting, indeed.

Keanu Darkly

Feeling very Geek Council today and after watching a very cool-looking trailer for A Scanner Darkly, I got to thinking:

As Geeks, is it time for us to just suck it up and claim Keanu Reeves as one of our own?

I know. It's a bitter pill to swallow. But we may have no choice. Just as we must begrudgingly accept Jar Jar Binks into the Star Wars mythos (and by begrudgingly, I mean angrily swearing and cursing the name Lucas for all eternity for raping our collective childhoods), we might also have to accept the fact that Keanu is a Geek icon.

Consider his career.

I mean, the guy is NEO, the most important recent addition to the sci-fi canon in the last decade.

If playing Neo in the Matrix Trilogy doesn't alone qualify him for Geek icon status, then also consider:

Constantine. Come on. Do I even have to explain? Geek cred.

The cult sci-fi thriller Johnny Mnemonic. Definite geek cred.

Pop quiz, hotshot. A deceptively well-written action movie with an absurd premise that twisted the genre. That would be Speed. Geek cred.

I'm also including The Devil's Advocate as a geek cred. Hotshot lawyer finds out he's working for Lucifer...who's also his dad...who's also AL PACINO?! Geek cred.

You want kitsch factor? How about playing an undercover surfing FBI agent? Named Johhny Utah?! Who's partner is Gary Busey! And he's trying to foil a gang of bank robbing surfers led by Patrick Swayze!!! I think Point Break might challenge Road House as the most unintentionally awesome Patrick Swayze movie ever. Geek cred.

I'm also gonna give him a cred for being in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Sure, he was awful and terribly miscast, but I think that just adds to the mystique here. The ridiculous level of detail and insanely good Gary Oldman redfined the look and feel for Dracula, making this a truly geeky movie. Plus. Come on. Vampires? HOT, naked chick vampires seducing him on a velvet bed? Geek cred.

Finally, he played twister with Death, saved the Princesses, and was one half of the Two Great Ones who will make the future excellent. Party on, Dudes. Ted "Theodore" Logan. Despite the sequel's inferior quality, Bill and Ted are true geek pioneers, predating Wayne and Garth by a few years and rivaling Marty McFly for time travel expertise. In fact, I would argue that Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure stands as one of the best time travel movies of all time. And I'm pretty sure Rufus would back me up on that. Geek cred.

A Scanner Darkly simply reinforces what we've kind of known all along. Keanu is one of ours.

comedy tonight!

Friday, April 28th @ 10:30PM

Sweet Paprika

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street * Union Square East * Basement * NYC

Drop by for some great comedy!

well oiled machine

What's more important than spreading freedom and democracy?

Spreading oil.

Searching for energy supplies and allies against Iran, the Bush administration is reaching out to leaders who rule countries that are rich in oil and gas but accused of authoritarian rule and human rights violations.

The presidents of Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan and Equatorial Guinea are all getting special attention. The effort sometimes seems at odds with President Bush's stated second-term goal of spreading democracy.

"If those countries were not oil producers, we would probably not be meeting with their leaders," said Michael O'Hanlon, a foreign policy analyst with the Brookings Institution. "There is some tension with Bush's democracy-promotion agenda. They are pulling in different directions."

Bush meets Friday at the White House with the president of Azerbaijan, Ilham Aliev. Vice President Dick Cheney next week visits the central Asian nation of Kazakhstan and its leader President Nursultan Nazarbayev.

Human rights groups have criticized both leaders. But the two former Soviet republics are allies in the war on terrorism and both have significant energy reserves.

Administration officials defend the meetings and similar ones, noting that Bush and other officials make a point of raising human rights and other social policy concerns, as Bush did when Chinese President Hu Jintao visited last week.

In addition to promoting democracy, Bush talks about curing America's "addiction to oil," a phrase he repeated as he announced steps this week to help ease gasoline prices that have soared over $3 a gallon in some places. Some 60 percent of oil used by the U.S. comes from overseas.

Looks like oil's thicker than blood.

At least we're being tough on these oil-producing countries who torture and kill their own people.

Rice herself drew some fire for welcoming Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang Nguema to the State Department as "a good friend."

He seized power in a 1979 coup and his government has been regularly accused by the State Department of human rights violations, including torture and deaths of prisoners. But the country is also rich in oil and gas.

"The photograph of you and Mr. Obiang will be used by critics of the United States to argue that we are not serious about human rights and democratic reforms in a country with substantial oil wealth," Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich., wrote Rice in a letter his office released on Thursday.

Oh. Well, at least it doesn't threaten our national security.

Politics aside, big oil-consuming nations like the United States and China "are looking out at the world and seeing a stagnant supply and a very unstable supply," said Tom Collina, director of 20/20 Vision, an advocacy group that favors sharp reductions in U.S. energy consumption.

"It's going to be a security problem for the foreseeable future," Collina said.

Ah. Hrm.

$3 bucks at the pump and nothing to show for it. And no real viable alternative right now. Nice energy policy, fellas. Real good job on that one.

I know I shouldn't laugh, but...

Come on!

Iran Threatens to Hide Nuclear Program.

"Iran threatened Tuesday to begin hiding its nuclear program if the West takes any "harsh measures" against it, in the country's sharpest rebuttal yet to a U.N. Security Council deadline to suspend uranium enrichment or face possible sanctions.

Iran's supreme leader, meanwhile, said in a meeting with the president of wartorn Sudan that Tehran was ready to transfer its nuclear technology to other countries."

How effective a strategy is hiding your nuclear program when you tell us you're hiding it?! Step it up, Iran! You vowed to annihilate Israel. Now THAT's a threat. But hiding? That's insulting.

And when did foreign diplomacy become school recess games?

Ollie ollie oxen free! I see London, I see Greece, I see Iran's WMDs!

We don't need to see your shit - we'll bomb you for the hell of it.

Army Training, Sir!

Has there ever been a quote that so precisely sums up the all-volunteer American Army? Here's this week's brilliant quote, from:

Stripes.

Written by Len Blum & Daniel Goldberg
and Harold Ramis.

And I suspect Bill Murray had a little input on this one, too.

So we're all dog faces, we're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants, there's something wrong with us, there's something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us. We're soldiers, American soldiers!

- John Winger
(Bill Murray)

(What Did I Do To Be So) Black & Tan?

Poor Ben and Jerry!

Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence.

The ice cream, available only in the United States, is based on an ale and stout drink of the same name.

"Any reference on our part to the British Army unit was absolutely unintentional and no ill-will was ever intended," said a Ben & Jerry's spokesman.

"Ben & Jerry's was built on the philosophies of peace and love," he added.

The Black and Tans, so-called because of their two-tone uniforms, were recruited in the early 1920s to bolster the ranks of the police force in Ireland as anti-British sentiment grew.

They quickly gained a reputation for brutality and mention of the militia still arouses strong feelings in Ireland.

"I can't believe that Ben & Jerry's would be so insensitive to call an ice cream such a name and to launch it as a celebration of Irishness ... it's an insult!" wrote one blogger on www.junkfoodblog.com.

"I hope they don't try to launch it here in Ireland or I imagine they'll lose a lot of their fans."

Once again, cruel history and man's inhumanity towards man ruins a tasty treat.

Trust me, fellas. I know exactly how you feel. My favorite alcoholic shot?

An Irish Car Bomb.

Not always the best drink to order in Boston pubs.

But a damn fine drink.

Aw, shucks.

Thanks for the kind words, boys.

And yeah, the Red Sox ARE still in first place. For now.

And yes, Newbs IS still more cursed than me. Sorry to hear about the loss of your fan. My condolences.

420

Diary of a bad set.

When you're doing comedy, sometimes you have those nights where everything just clicks. The audience is electric, everyone's having fun, you're on fire, and the funny is just rolling off your tongue like champagne from a fountain.


Last night was not one of those nights.

At least, not for me.

And it lasted 22 minutes and 13 agonizing seconds.


Now, let me also state that overall, it was a great show and big props to Kyria and Newbs who both had great 20-25 minute sets and were a real treat to watch. And to Baron, who did his usual stellar hosting job.

As for me...

I went up first.

Right from the get-go, the crowd was not into me. No problem, I think. Plenty of time. Plenty of time. I'll win 'em over!

I start by being conversational, don't wanna just jump right into the usual routine....build a repoire with these people.

I fail at building a repoire. Okay. no problem. Let's jump into some tried and true bits, warm 'em up some more. Bam! Nothing. Do not panic.

About three minutes in, right on a dying punchline, a Chinese delivery guy mistakenly opens the door behind me to deliver food, but he's got the wrong address.

Biggest laugh of my set.

I riff on that for a minute and get some laughs. Finally, the break I need. I'm winning them over.

Nope. I was wrong. They still are not into me. They just thought the Chinese Food guy was funny.

No problem, time to step it up. I throw some political humor at them...aaaand boy, that wasn't the right call. A few chuckles, some nods of approval. But nothing I would say resembling "laughter." No worries. I can still win 'em over.

I step up my energy. I'm not backing down. I do a bit on Shaquille O'Neill. Kazzaaaaaam! A little bit of a response. Not the stellar breakthrough I was hoping for. I'M NOT WINNING THEM OVER!!!

Wow. By minute 10 I've lost my energy and by minute 15, I'm just treading water with them. I've already thrown two solid, closing bits at them (that I can usually count on for big laughs) and all I've gotten in response is general apathy. Not even hatred...they're just waiting for the next comic at this point. I've derailed, they smell blood in the water, and I've just walked into a rookie trap. I let 'em see me sweat. Dammit. I'm shaken like a Martini and there's no recovery. I look like an open miker at this point. The audience has made their decision and they just don't dig me.

At least I can leave them on a high note. The Shark Attack bit. It's a no-fail, guaranteed strong punchline to end things. At least I have that.

Here's the set-up, the pitch -


....

Someone chukles awkwardly in the back...and it's a comic. We all know why they're chuckling. I've just bombed for over 20 minutes. And now on with the rest of the show...

Which went phenomonally well. The next comic gets up and almost immediately starts getting bigger laughs than anything I've gotten. She's really hitting the mark. By the final comic, everyone in the audience is having a great time.

The final capper for me was not just tanking. No. In the middle of the show, an older woman leaves, and as she makes her way out, she exchanges some friendly words with Baron and shakes another comic's hand. She then specifically avoids making eye contact with me as she brushes past me like a wraith.

"Who was that?" I casually ask Baron.

"Oh, she's a college booking agent."

Not only did I chomp my dick so hard I can taste it, but I just blew an unknown opportunity! Two-for-one.


I hate being that comic, the one that had the bad set on a great show. The one everyone has to tip-toe around and either make lame excuses or simply change the subject about the evening's performance. The one that gets that look of pity and embarrasment when spoken to after the show.

Last night, I was that comic. And it sucks.

It wasn't even the worst set I've ever had or the most epic time I've bombed. It was just a plain, ordinary, bad set. And somehow, that's the worst kind of all.

As comics, we live and die from set to set, and until the next one, I get to run over in my head every mistake I made; every misstep; every poor choice; every failed, desperate attempt to win over that audience.

And the next time I have a set that crushes, I will mail each and every person that was there last night an autographed copy of the tape.

Sorry for the self-indulgence. But c'mon. This is a blog!

Catch me next week at Galapagos and Sweet Paprika! Let's see if I bounce back!

Snatch'd

I'm a bit behind on my weekly quote. This one comes from the 2000 film Snatch.

Written and directed by Guy Ritchie.

Sorry 'bout the language.

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."

-Brick Top Polford
(Alan Ford)

plugs! plugs! plugs!

Here's what's happening for me in the next few weeks:

TOMORROW NIGHT!!

April 19th. A free show! AND I'll be doing a longer set...25 minutes! This show could be fantastic or a train wreck. Either way, it'll be entertaining. I'm joined by Dan Newbower and Kyria Abrahams. Come see the funny:

Wednesday, April 19th @ 8PM
Comedy is for Humans
Mundial
505 East 12th Street at Ave. A * NYC

For those willing to travel to Brooklyn next week:

Tuesday, April 25th @ 10PM
BCCo
Galapagos
70 N 6th Street * Williamsburg * Brooklyn, NY

April 28th will be a fun show. Definitely try to make this one. It's Friday. And it's a 10:30 pm show followed by a birthday party at the D-Lounge. Comedy! Cake! Cosmos (for the ladies)! Much drinking and revelry. Great line-up and a great way to end the week.

Friday, April 28th @ 10:30PM
Sweet Paprika
The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street * Union Square East * Basement * NYC

If you can make it out to any of these shows, I'd love to see you there.

This concludes the self-promotion portion of this week's blog entry.

It's been a long time

Some quick news items of note:

Rumsfeld Not Considering Resigning.

He's also not considering a long-term strategy for Iraq.

Moussaoui Mocks Psychologist's Testimony.

Everyone's a comedian.

Also, I think reality has officially jumped the shark when a terrorist is making "Best Week Ever" quips and pop culture references at his damn trial!

Tom Cruise wonders why people didn't realize he was "only joking" when he made crazy comment.

When I ranted and raved on the Today show? THAT time, I was serious. And when I went nutso on Oprah? Serious. And when I flipped out over South Park? Totally serious. But when I said I was going to eat the placenta when Katie gives birth to our kid? Just kidding!

But I'm still batshit crazy.

Record oil prices have us over a $70 barrel.

But tax cuts affect the economy, not record high oil prices!

"Economists warn that supercharged energy prices could rekindle inflation across the economy and restrain free-spending consumers."

Oh.

Well. So I pay a little more at the pump. Who cares if I drive my giant, gas-guzzling Hummer? It's not like I'm helping the terrorists!

"The tension has some economic benefit for Iran: Every $5 a barrel increase in the price of oil means another $100 million a week in revenues for Iran, Yergin said."

Oh.

So, I guess if you drive a gas-guzzling SUV, you're an asshole.

But that's really old news.

Also, Red Sox fans:

I'm now contributing to Away team, a NY-based blog for wandering Sox fans. Check it out.

passed over

Here's to a plucky Passover, a Good Friday, and an Excellent Easter!*

*And yes. I refrained from making the terrible pun "Eggs-ellent" there.

You're welcome.

Vanished from Siberia

There was a place.

Behind an unmarked door,'neath the electric glow of a red bulb.

Called Siberia.

Wherein, on Tuesday nights, down in the seedy depths of the punk-hipster bar, society's ne'er-do-wells and would-be comic hustlers would rattle off acerbic barbs, wax poetic on societal taboos, and lament the decline of Western Culture.

'Twas a donkey-punch of a comedy show.

Bo no longer. Banished to Siberia is no more.

The door remains unmarked, the red bulb flickers with electric tears, and the metal stairs lead to dank nothingness.

In memorium, let's remember the good times. Specifically, my set from last year's special extravaganza show:

It's cold in Siberia.

Does your conscience bother you? Tell me true.

I know there's a whole bunch of other things leading back to the WH, but this one is kind of apropos. Since it's, you know, exactly like Watergate.

I emphasized a few key points.

Phone-Jamming Records Point to White House
By LARRY MARGASAK, Associated Press Writer

Key figures in a phone-jamming scheme designed to keep New Hampshire Democrats from voting in 2002 had regular contact with the White House and Republican Party as the plan was unfolding, phone records introduced in criminal court show.

The records show that Bush campaign operative James Tobin, who recently was convicted in the case, made two dozen calls to the White House within a three-day period around Election Day 2002 — as the phone jamming operation was finalized, carried out and then abruptly shut down.

The national Republican Party, which paid millions in legal bills to defend Tobin, says the contacts involved routine election business and that it was "preposterous" to suggest the calls involved phone jamming.

The Justice Department has secured three convictions in the case but hasn't accused any White House or national Republican officials of wrongdoing, nor made any allegations suggesting party officials outside New Hampshire were involved. The phone records of calls to the White House were exhibits in Tobin's trial but prosecutors did not make them part of their case.

Democrats plan to ask a federal judge Tuesday to order GOP and White House officials to answer questions about the phone jamming in a civil lawsuit alleging voter fraud.

Repeated hang-up calls that jammed telephone lines at a Democratic get-out-the-vote center occurred in a Senate race in which Republican John Sununu defeated Democrat Jeanne Shaheen, 51 percent to 46 percent, on Nov. 5, 2002.

Besides the conviction of Tobin, the Republicans' New England regional director, prosecutors negotiated two plea bargains: one with a New Hampshire Republican Party official and another with the owner of a telemarketing firm involved in the scheme. The owner of the subcontractor firm whose employees made the hang-up calls is under indictment.

The phone records show that most calls to the White House were from Tobin, who became President Bush's presidential campaign chairman for the New England region in 2004.

Because if Democrats vote in a free, democratic election, the terrorists will win.

quote from across the Eighth Dimension

From The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

Written by Earl Mac Rauch.

"No matter where you go, there you are."

-Buckaroo Banzai
(Peter Weller)

everyone loves a winner

That's right, bitches. Look who got the $10,000 prize t-shirt.

In no small part thanks to Tom Shillue's absurd debating skills.

Fact in the Head was a blast - if you've never seen the show, check them out EVERY Thursday night at 10PM at their new home in The Tank at Collective: Unconscious, 279 Church St., NYC.

Thanks to Jamie, Ophira, Tom, and Michelle...and lovely assistant Thistle, for a smokin' hot time in the old town last night.

Also, I can't believe I choked on the sparkler-timed challenge. To be fair, fire is pretty and I was totally transfixed by the sparkler. And I still won. Kether.

Thanks for playing. Bitches.

Um, this is a big deal, right?

Papers: Cheney Aide Says Bush OK'd Leak

By PETE YOST, Associated Press Writer 23 minutes ago

Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide told prosecutors President Bush authorized the leak of sensitive intelligence information about Iraq, according to court papers filed by prosecutors in the CIA leak case.

Before his indictment, I. Lewis Libby testified to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak that Cheney told him to pass on information and that it was Bush who authorized the disclosure, the court papers say. According to the documents, the authorization led to the July 8, 2003, conversation between Libby and New York Times reporter Judith Miller.

There was no indication in the filing that either Bush or Cheney authorized Libby to disclose Valerie Plame's CIA identity.

But the disclosure in documents filed Wednesday means that the president and the vice president put Libby in play as a secret provider of information to reporters about prewar intelligence on Iraq.

The authorization came as the Bush administration faced mounting criticism about its failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the main reason the president and his aides had given for justifying the invasion of Iraq.

Libby's participation in a critical conversation with Miller on July 8, 2003 "occurred only after the vice president advised defendant that the president specifically had authorized defendant to disclose certain information in the National Intelligence Estimate," the papers by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald stated. The filing did not specify the "certain information."

"Defendant testified that the circumstances of his conversation with reporter Miller — getting approval from the president through the vice president to discuss material that would be classified but for that approval — were unique in his recollection," the papers added.

FACT IN THE HEAD

TONIGHT! 10PM!



I will be joining the insanity as a CONTESTANT on tonight's show. 10PM.

FACT IN THE HEAD.

See you there.

Justice Delay-ed

DeLay Announces Resignation From House

WASHINGTON - Succumbing to scandal, former Majority Leader Tom DeLay said Tuesday he is resigning from Congress in the face of a tough re-election race, closing out a career that blended unflinching conservatism with a bare-knuckled political style.

By "unflinching conservatism" we mean "hypocrisy, corruption, and greed," and by "bare-knuckled political style" we mean "malicious personal vendettas at the taxpayers' expense."

"The voters of the 22nd District of Texas deserve a campaign about the vital national issues that they care most about and that affect their lives every day, and not a campaign focused solely as a referendum on me," DeLay said in a statement.

Right. His re-election camaign shouldn't be about him. Becuase an incumbant Congressman who's spent years abusing the system shouldn't force voters to judge him or the affect he's had on national policy. Perhaps he confused his campaign with American Idol.

DeLay reflected Republican concerns that the GOP could lose the seat in November, saying his love and loyalty to the party played a role in his decision and adding, "I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative, personal campaign."

Classic. "I refuse to open myself up to sweeping negative, personal attacks by making a sweeping negative, personal attack!"

He's still got it!

24 Question for the Geeks

In the excellent and ridiculously addictive Fox series 24, the current Vice President is named Hal Gardner.

Coincidence?














On a less obvious note, President Charles Logan?

And how about that airline food...?

Uh oh.

Look out, comics. A whole new world of airline jokes just opened up for us! Time to dust off those rusty ol' airplane bits and begin a whole new golden age of hackery!

Airlines to Begin Charging for Amenities

By LESLIE MILLER, Associated Press Writer

Ask for a pillow and blanket to help get through a long flight and you may be out of luck. Or you may be able to buy a "comfort package" from Air Canada for $2. Like to check your luggage curbside? That could cost up to $3 a bag.

Airlines are starting to charge for many services that once were free — such as assigned seating, paper tickets and blankets. Air travelers who don't fly often may be in for some unpleasant surprises when they reach the airport this summer.

"They're going to be confused and they're going to be somewhat upset," said Kevin Mitchell, president of the Business Travelers Coalition. "Is it going to stop them from flying? No."

Intense competition from low-fare airlines along with high jet-fuel prices have led many established carriers to cut back or charge passengers for amenities.

Many airlines no longer serve meals on flights, instead charging for snack boxes and sandwiches.

Sharon Ansara, a government supervisor from El Paso, Texas, flew an American Airlines flight from Dallas to Washington Monday morning.

"We didn't even get peanuts," she said after the 2-1/2 hour flight. "They offered us a snack pack for $4. It stinks."

American spokesman Tim Wagner said that passengers have made it clear that their first priority in buying an airline ticket is price. The company offers a la carte services — such as snack packs — for those willing to pay for them.

[hack]
What's next? "Thanks for paying $439 for this one-way ticket between New Jersey and Ohio. Oh, you want to sit down during the flight? In a seat? That'll be $27. Per minute."

"Hey, folks! I just flew in from Miami and boy is my wallet empty!"

[/hack]

Thus concludes our test of the hack comedy broadcast. Had this been real hack stand-up comedy, the above material would have been immediately followed by a roaringly hilarious rant on why men leave the toilet seat up. And then a Jack Nicholson impersonation.

spring into action

And just like that, it's baseball season again.


In this post-Red-Sox-winning-the-world-series-world, Opening Day seems just a little bit more optimistic, a little bit more hopeful, a little bit like anything's possible.

A year ago today, I was waiting to hear if I even got into grad school. I was temping(!) as a mail clerk(!?) in the package delivery bay (wtf?!) of New York's Channel 13 - wassup BAY 3! Make some noize!! Today, I'm a month away from finishing my first year of grad school. And I'm 50-thousand-more dollars in debt (holy sh!t! wtf?! omg!! rotflmaolol!!!! ;-) ...

which I suppose is progress.

quote soup

Ah, Groucho.

There are plenty of concise, pithy Groucho one-liners, but one o' my favorites comes from the 1933 satirical farce Duck Soup.

By the Marx Brothers.

Story by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby.

Additional dialogue by Arthur Sheekman and Nat Perrin.

The absurdity of the run-up to war distilled to its essence by Groucho:

I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't. A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a forgein ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of me in front of all my people? Think of it - I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept. Why, the cheap ball-pushing swine, he'll never get away with it I tell you, he'll never get away with it!
(Trentino enters)
So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?
(slaps Trentino with his glove)

-Rufus T. Firefly
(Groucho Marx)