Friday, May 12, 2006

It's not an invasion if you're asking for it...

Countries ain't the only thing our guv'ment is good at invading...

...but "invasion of privacy" sounds so sordid. Let's just say "information mining."


Eavesdropping on everyone is not an invasion, says Bush


By Mark Coultan Herald Correspondent in New York
May 13, 2006



PRESIDENT George Bush has denied the US Government is invading the privacy of its citizens after reports Washington is trying to compile a database of every phone call made by Americans.


That's awesome.

"Hey, bud, just because we're eavesdropping on everybody, it don't mean we're invading your privacy."

Uh, then what is it?

"It's just monitoring your daily activities, personal habits, and regular communications with other human beings."

Oh. Thanks for clearing that up.


USA Today said on Thursday that the secret program, conducted by the National Security Agency, was the largest database ever assembled. It quoted one source as saying its goal was "to create a database of every call ever made" within US borders.

The report said the program does not listen to or record calls, but mines telephone records to look for calling patterns that could show terrorist activity.

Most identifying data, such as customers' names and addressees, have been removed from the phone records provided to the Government. But the phone numbers can easily be cross-referenced against other data to match these personal details.

Three of America's largest telecommunications companies, AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, have co-operated with the Government by handing over the data. Only one big company, Qwest, refused, saying it was uneasy about handing over its customers' private records without a court warrant.

Mr Bush did not deny the story directly, but said: "We're not mining or trawling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to al-Qaeda and their known affiliates. So far we've been very successful in preventing another attack on our soil."

Senator Dianne Feinstein, a Democrat, said there was a looming constitutional clash between the Administration and the Fourth Amendment, which guarantees protection against unreasonable search and seizure.

Arlen Specter, the Republican chairman of the judiciary committee, said he would hold hearings into the program and intended to call the heads of the three big telephone companies.

One immediate consequence will be a much more difficult confirmation process for General Michael Hayden, the former head of the National Security Agency, as Mr Bush's choice as the next head of the CIA.

He cancelled a day of meetings, and when confronted by television cameras said only that everything the NSA had done was within the law.

The story visibly annoyed Mr Bush, who said every such story "hurts our ability to defeat this enemy". He said all NSA activities were within the law, and appropriate members of Congress from both parties had been briefed.

The NSA has previously been revealed as having conducted a phone-tapping surveillance program, where one party was outside the US, without seeking warrants. But the new program goes much wider than this.

The political fallout is uncertain. Mr Bush managed to fight off criticism of the overseas eavesdropping program. Most Democrat congressman backed off their criticism of it when opinion polls showed most Americans were not concerned about the Government bugging overseas phone calls. But this program, potentially affecting all Americans, could be different.

BIG NUMBERS

* More than 200 million US telephone accounts and more than a trillion telephone calls made since late 2001 are included in the database.

* The US phone system is anchored by four companies: AT&T, Verizon Communications, BellSouth and Qwest Communications.

* BellSouth covers the south-east and is being acquired by AT&T, which has territories from Texas to Michigan, California and Nevada.

* It is the norm for phone companies and mobile phone operators to provide information to authorities if there is a proper subpoena.

All Apologies


Reports said to confirm lawsuit linking
AT&T to `data mining'

By Pete Carey
Mercury News

It's not just phone calls, it's e-mail, too, according to a lawsuit that accuses AT&T of turning over vast amounts of domestic phone and Internet traffic to the National Security Agency.


As a stand-up comic, a member of the US Army Reserve, a politically active citizen, and a graduate student...I've probably said some things. Over e-mail, on the cell phone, on the stage...

...things.

Things that...you know...I mean, people say things. Satirical things. Acerbic things. Crazy things.

Jokes, really.

Anyway, let's just say, I've said some things.

So, with the latest revelations of this massive betrayal of privacy by private corporations who would turn you over to a faceless government bureaucracy for a few tax credits...

...Let me just apologize to any and everyone who I may have said some things to.

I'd hate to think that Ross now has a sleeper agent hiding in the trunk of his car ready to schiv him because he joked about the United 93 movie. Not to name names, BIG BROTHER. ha ha ha. Sorry, Ross.

I'd hate to think that some joke I may have made in a comedy club could endanger said club and its staff and performers.

It's just that, uh, because of me, somewhere, it's very possible that a SWAT team is busting down the doors of a Chuckle Hut right now.

Sorry.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

For the geeks: OYL spin-offs

Scipio asks what spin-offs we'd like to see in the post-Infinite Crisis era of DC Comics.

Here's what I want to see:

A multi-media, 12-part R. Kelly-style hip-hopera!




Jason Todd: Trapped in the Coffin. Chapters 1-12.

In Sox news...

With the Yankees leading 2-0 in the third, there was just something so perfect about David Ortiz driving in a run and tagging first base safely on an error made by last year's American League MVP Alex Rodriguez. Which then led to a wild pitch, scoring a runner from third and tying the game, followed by a solid shot from Manny Ramirez that brought Ortiz home and gave the Red Sox their first lead of the game.


Check out the sister blog for the rest of my Sox ramblings.

Stand Up Guy

John Morrison has got to be the nicest, most respectful guy in NY stand-up right now.

He puts together a great little monthly show at the Cornelia St. Cafe in NY and although the audience was light last night, they were friendly, engaged, and generous with their laughter.

As for the man himself, well, I don't mean to gush, but John really knows how to treat a comic. He provides food and drink and even a little money (it's a paid gig), the show order is given far in advance, so you know exactly when you're going on, and he packs the show with a great variety of different comics, men and women of all backgrounds and styles...it's really a great show.

It's like he just really loves good comedy or something?

The Morrison Motel has one more show before a summer break, the second Tuesday in June. You should go. It's a great show filled with excellent comics and an audience who's there to laugh. It's a cheap cover and a $6 drink minimum (the beers are only $5, so a Stella and a coke'll do it...but the food's great, too!) And John could use the support. He runs a room in this city that actually treats comics as people and respects them as performers. I know, it's making me a little misty, too.

Second Tuesday in June. I'll see you all there.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Morrison Motel Tuesday Night

Thought I'd pass on some friendly self-promotion for a show I'm on tomorrow night.

Tuesday, May 9th, 8:30 PM

Morrison Motel @ Cornelia Street Cafe

Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia Street, between Bleecker and West 4th. A,C,E,B,D,F & V trains to West 4th. 1 train to Christopher St. (212) 989-9319 for reservations.

8:30 pm. $5 cover, $6 drink minimum.

John Morrison hosts Frank Vignola, Susan Prekel, Claudia Cogan, Benari Poulten, Catie Lazarus, Elon James White, Ray Field and Daniel Tassew.

quote anything

Finishing up my first of year of Grad School.
And as I contemplate my crushing debt and uncertain future, I'm feelin' kind of Lloyd Dobbler. So, this week's quote is, of course, a classic from:

Say Anything.

Written and directed by Cameron Crowe.

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
-Lloyd Dobbler
(John Cusack)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Go shorty.

It's your birthday.

And Geordarna's gonna party like it's her birthday.

Cuz it is.

A long time ago...

You could watch the original Star Wars movies exactly as you had seen them in the movie theater.

But you couldn't get them on DVD. Well, not legally.

But now you can.


Die-hard Star Wars fans soon can see the original theatrical versions of the first three Star Wars films on DVD.

Even though George Lucas adamantly declared 2004's digitally restored Star Wars Trilogy DVDs the definitive versions of his movies, fans have held out hope for DVDs of the originals.

Their wishes will be granted Sept. 12 when Fox releases new two-disc DVDs ($30 each) of Star Wars (since retitled as Episode IV: A New Hope), The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi that include the films as they first appeared in theaters, along with the new, restored versions (now available in the four-disc $70 Star Wars Trilogy).

The individual DVDs will be taken off the market on Dec. 31, a strategy that Disney uses on many of its classic releases.


Why didn't they just release them this way in the first place?

Back in 2004, Lucas told the New York Post, "The special edition is the one I wanted out there."

This new set of DVDs does not constitute "George changing his mind," says Lucasfilm's Jim Ward.


Nope. Lucas just decided he wanted a few extra bucks.

I hate to be cynical, but...Lucas has gone from giving fans what they want to duping them into buying what he wants them to buy, when he wants them to buy. It's almost as if he believes that he's doing the right thing, but has become blinded by his own passions. It's eerily similar to ... some famous film character. Darth something or other. Has Lucas lost his way? Has he fallen down that dark path, seduced by the Dark Side?

I know. I know. My lack of faith is disturbing.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Make Your Own Jeter Joke



Thank you, NY Post!!!

And, yes. That is EXACTLY what the front page of today's New York Post looks like.

Thank you.

*Okay, so I posted this elsewhere, as well...but come on! This NY Post cover is a gift to Red Sox fans EVERYWHERE! A GIFT! It should be shared as much as possible with the entire WORLD! Or at least, the world wide web.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Cajones

Standing 10 feet away from the President, Stephen Colbert said many things last night.

So many quotes to choose from...


I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.
----------------
I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true, or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.
-----------------
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.


He never broke character, he never pulled a punch. He made a room full of some of the most powerful people in the world squirm. I love this country.

God Bless Stephen Colbert, who exemplifies truthiness and is a true American patriot.

Watch the video via Crooks and Liars or via YouTube. Uncomfortably biting, indeed.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Keanu Darkly

Feeling very Geek Council today and after watching a very cool-looking trailer for A Scanner Darkly, I got to thinking:

As Geeks, is it time for us to just suck it up and claim Keanu Reeves as one of our own?

I know. It's a bitter pill to swallow. But we may have no choice. Just as we must begrudgingly accept Jar Jar Binks into the Star Wars mythos (and by begrudgingly, I mean angrily swearing and cursing the name Lucas for all eternity for raping our collective childhoods), we might also have to accept the fact that Keanu is a Geek icon.

Consider his career.

I mean, the guy is NEO, the most important recent addition to the sci-fi canon in the last decade.

If playing Neo in the Matrix Trilogy doesn't alone qualify him for Geek icon status, then also consider:

Constantine. Come on. Do I even have to explain? Geek cred.

The cult sci-fi thriller Johnny Mnemonic. Definite geek cred.

Pop quiz, hotshot. A deceptively well-written action movie with an absurd premise that twisted the genre. That would be Speed. Geek cred.

I'm also including The Devil's Advocate as a geek cred. Hotshot lawyer finds out he's working for Lucifer...who's also his dad...who's also AL PACINO?! Geek cred.

You want kitsch factor? How about playing an undercover surfing FBI agent? Named Johhny Utah?! Who's partner is Gary Busey! And he's trying to foil a gang of bank robbing surfers led by Patrick Swayze!!! I think Point Break might challenge Road House as the most unintentionally awesome Patrick Swayze movie ever. Geek cred.

I'm also gonna give him a cred for being in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Sure, he was awful and terribly miscast, but I think that just adds to the mystique here. The ridiculous level of detail and insanely good Gary Oldman redfined the look and feel for Dracula, making this a truly geeky movie. Plus. Come on. Vampires? HOT, naked chick vampires seducing him on a velvet bed? Geek cred.

Finally, he played twister with Death, saved the Princesses, and was one half of the Two Great Ones who will make the future excellent. Party on, Dudes. Ted "Theodore" Logan. Despite the sequel's inferior quality, Bill and Ted are true geek pioneers, predating Wayne and Garth by a few years and rivaling Marty McFly for time travel expertise. In fact, I would argue that Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure stands as one of the best time travel movies of all time. And I'm pretty sure Rufus would back me up on that. Geek cred.

A Scanner Darkly simply reinforces what we've kind of known all along. Keanu is one of ours.

Friday, April 28, 2006

comedy tonight!

Friday, April 28th @ 10:30PM

Sweet Paprika

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street * Union Square East * Basement * NYC

Drop by for some great comedy!

well oiled machine

What's more important than spreading freedom and democracy?

Spreading oil.

Searching for energy supplies and allies against Iran, the Bush administration is reaching out to leaders who rule countries that are rich in oil and gas but accused of authoritarian rule and human rights violations.

The presidents of Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan and Equatorial Guinea are all getting special attention. The effort sometimes seems at odds with President Bush's stated second-term goal of spreading democracy.

"If those countries were not oil producers, we would probably not be meeting with their leaders," said Michael O'Hanlon, a foreign policy analyst with the Brookings Institution. "There is some tension with Bush's democracy-promotion agenda. They are pulling in different directions."

Bush meets Friday at the White House with the president of Azerbaijan, Ilham Aliev. Vice President Dick Cheney next week visits the central Asian nation of Kazakhstan and its leader President Nursultan Nazarbayev.

Human rights groups have criticized both leaders. But the two former Soviet republics are allies in the war on terrorism and both have significant energy reserves.

Administration officials defend the meetings and similar ones, noting that Bush and other officials make a point of raising human rights and other social policy concerns, as Bush did when Chinese President Hu Jintao visited last week.

In addition to promoting democracy, Bush talks about curing America's "addiction to oil," a phrase he repeated as he announced steps this week to help ease gasoline prices that have soared over $3 a gallon in some places. Some 60 percent of oil used by the U.S. comes from overseas.


Looks like oil's thicker than blood.

At least we're being tough on these oil-producing countries who torture and kill their own people.

Rice herself drew some fire for welcoming Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang Nguema to the State Department as "a good friend."

He seized power in a 1979 coup and his government has been regularly accused by the State Department of human rights violations, including torture and deaths of prisoners. But the country is also rich in oil and gas.

"The photograph of you and Mr. Obiang will be used by critics of the United States to argue that we are not serious about human rights and democratic reforms in a country with substantial oil wealth," Sen. Carl Levin, D-Mich., wrote Rice in a letter his office released on Thursday.


Oh. Well, at least it doesn't threaten our national security.

Politics aside, big oil-consuming nations like the United States and China "are looking out at the world and seeing a stagnant supply and a very unstable supply," said Tom Collina, director of 20/20 Vision, an advocacy group that favors sharp reductions in U.S. energy consumption.

"It's going to be a security problem for the foreseeable future," Collina said.


Ah. Hrm.

$3 bucks at the pump and nothing to show for it. And no real viable alternative right now. Nice energy policy, fellas. Real good job on that one.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I know I shouldn't laugh, but...

Come on!

Iran Threatens to Hide Nuclear Program.

"Iran threatened Tuesday to begin hiding its nuclear program if the West takes any "harsh measures" against it, in the country's sharpest rebuttal yet to a U.N. Security Council deadline to suspend uranium enrichment or face possible sanctions.

Iran's supreme leader, meanwhile, said in a meeting with the president of wartorn Sudan that Tehran was ready to transfer its nuclear technology to other countries."


How effective a strategy is hiding your nuclear program when you tell us you're hiding it?! Step it up, Iran! You vowed to annihilate Israel. Now THAT's a threat. But hiding? That's insulting.

And when did foreign diplomacy become school recess games?

Ollie ollie oxen free! I see London, I see Greece, I see Iran's WMDs!

We don't need to see your shit - we'll bomb you for the hell of it.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Army Training, Sir!

Has there ever been a quote that so precisely sums up the all-volunteer American Army? Here's this week's brilliant quote, from:

Stripes.

Written by Len Blum & Daniel Goldberg
and Harold Ramis.

And I suspect Bill Murray had a little input on this one, too.

So we're all dog faces, we're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants, there's something wrong with us, there's something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us. We're soldiers, American soldiers!
- John Winger
(Bill Murray)

Friday, April 21, 2006

(What Did I Do To Be So) Black & Tan?

Poor Ben and Jerry!

Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence.

The ice cream, available only in the United States, is based on an ale and stout drink of the same name.

"Any reference on our part to the British Army unit was absolutely unintentional and no ill-will was ever intended," said a Ben & Jerry's spokesman.

"Ben & Jerry's was built on the philosophies of peace and love," he added.

The Black and Tans, so-called because of their two-tone uniforms, were recruited in the early 1920s to bolster the ranks of the police force in Ireland as anti-British sentiment grew.

They quickly gained a reputation for brutality and mention of the militia still arouses strong feelings in Ireland.

"I can't believe that Ben & Jerry's would be so insensitive to call an ice cream such a name and to launch it as a celebration of Irishness ... it's an insult!" wrote one blogger on www.junkfoodblog.com.

"I hope they don't try to launch it here in Ireland or I imagine they'll lose a lot of their fans."


Once again, cruel history and man's inhumanity towards man ruins a tasty treat.

Trust me, fellas. I know exactly how you feel. My favorite alcoholic shot?

An Irish Car Bomb.

Not always the best drink to order in Boston pubs.

But a damn fine drink.

Aw, shucks.

Thanks for the kind words, boys.

And yeah, the Red Sox ARE still in first place. For now.

And yes, Newbs IS still more cursed than me. Sorry to hear about the loss of your fan. My condolences.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

420


Diary of a bad set.


When you're doing comedy, sometimes you have those nights where everything just clicks. The audience is electric, everyone's having fun, you're on fire, and the funny is just rolling off your tongue like champagne from a fountain.


Last night was not one of those nights.

At least, not for me.

And it lasted 22 minutes and 13 agonizing seconds.


Now, let me also state that overall, it was a great show and big props to Kyria and Newbs who both had great 20-25 minute sets and were a real treat to watch. And to Baron, who did his usual stellar hosting job.

As for me...

I went up first.

Right from the get-go, the crowd was not into me. No problem, I think. Plenty of time. Plenty of time. I'll win 'em over!

I start by being conversational, don't wanna just jump right into the usual routine....build a repoire with these people.

I fail at building a repoire. Okay. no problem. Let's jump into some tried and true bits, warm 'em up some more. Bam! Nothing. Do not panic.

About three minutes in, right on a dying punchline, a Chinese delivery guy mistakenly opens the door behind me to deliver food, but he's got the wrong address.

Biggest laugh of my set.

I riff on that for a minute and get some laughs. Finally, the break I need. I'm winning them over.

Nope. I was wrong. They still are not into me. They just thought the Chinese Food guy was funny.

No problem, time to step it up. I throw some political humor at them...aaaand boy, that wasn't the right call. A few chuckles, some nods of approval. But nothing I would say resembling "laughter." No worries. I can still win 'em over.

I step up my energy. I'm not backing down. I do a bit on Shaquille O'Neill. Kazzaaaaaam! A little bit of a response. Not the stellar breakthrough I was hoping for. I'M NOT WINNING THEM OVER!!!

Wow. By minute 10 I've lost my energy and by minute 15, I'm just treading water with them. I've already thrown two solid, closing bits at them (that I can usually count on for big laughs) and all I've gotten in response is general apathy. Not even hatred...they're just waiting for the next comic at this point. I've derailed, they smell blood in the water, and I've just walked into a rookie trap. I let 'em see me sweat. Dammit. I'm shaken like a Martini and there's no recovery. I look like an open miker at this point. The audience has made their decision and they just don't dig me.

At least I can leave them on a high note. The Shark Attack bit. It's a no-fail, guaranteed strong punchline to end things. At least I have that.

Here's the set-up, the pitch -


....

Someone chukles awkwardly in the back...and it's a comic. We all know why they're chuckling. I've just bombed for over 20 minutes. And now on with the rest of the show...

Which went phenomonally well. The next comic gets up and almost immediately starts getting bigger laughs than anything I've gotten. She's really hitting the mark. By the final comic, everyone in the audience is having a great time.

The final capper for me was not just tanking. No. In the middle of the show, an older woman leaves, and as she makes her way out, she exchanges some friendly words with Baron and shakes another comic's hand. She then specifically avoids making eye contact with me as she brushes past me like a wraith.

"Who was that?" I casually ask Baron.

"Oh, she's a college booking agent."

Not only did I chomp my dick so hard I can taste it, but I just blew an unknown opportunity! Two-for-one.


I hate being that comic, the one that had the bad set on a great show. The one everyone has to tip-toe around and either make lame excuses or simply change the subject about the evening's performance. The one that gets that look of pity and embarrasment when spoken to after the show.

Last night, I was that comic. And it sucks.

It wasn't even the worst set I've ever had or the most epic time I've bombed. It was just a plain, ordinary, bad set. And somehow, that's the worst kind of all.

As comics, we live and die from set to set, and until the next one, I get to run over in my head every mistake I made; every misstep; every poor choice; every failed, desperate attempt to win over that audience.

And the next time I have a set that crushes, I will mail each and every person that was there last night an autographed copy of the tape.

Sorry for the self-indulgence. But c'mon. This is a blog!

Catch me next week at Galapagos and Sweet Paprika! Let's see if I bounce back!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Snatch'd

I'm a bit behind on my weekly quote. This one comes from the 2000 film Snatch.

Written and directed by Guy Ritchie.

Sorry 'bout the language.


"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."
-Brick Top Polford
(Alan Ford)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

plugs! plugs! plugs!

Here's what's happening for me in the next few weeks:

TOMORROW NIGHT!!

April 19th. A free show! AND I'll be doing a longer set...25 minutes! This show could be fantastic or a train wreck. Either way, it'll be entertaining. I'm joined by Dan Newbower and Kyria Abrahams. Come see the funny:

Wednesday, April 19th @ 8PM
Comedy is for Humans
Mundial
505 East 12th Street at Ave. A * NYC

For those willing to travel to Brooklyn next week:

Tuesday, April 25th @ 10PM
BCCo
Galapagos
70 N 6th Street * Williamsburg * Brooklyn, NY

April 28th will be a fun show. Definitely try to make this one. It's Friday. And it's a 10:30 pm show followed by a birthday party at the D-Lounge. Comedy! Cake! Cosmos (for the ladies)! Much drinking and revelry. Great line-up and a great way to end the week.

Friday, April 28th @ 10:30PM
Sweet Paprika
The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street * Union Square East * Basement * NYC

If you can make it out to any of these shows, I'd love to see you there.

This concludes the self-promotion portion of this week's blog entry.

It's been a long time

Some quick news items of note:

Rumsfeld Not Considering Resigning.

He's also not considering a long-term strategy for Iraq.

Moussaoui Mocks Psychologist's Testimony.

Everyone's a comedian.

Also, I think reality has officially jumped the shark when a terrorist is making "Best Week Ever" quips and pop culture references at his damn trial!

Tom Cruise wonders why people didn't realize he was "only joking" when he made crazy comment.

When I ranted and raved on the Today show? THAT time, I was serious. And when I went nutso on Oprah? Serious. And when I flipped out over South Park? Totally serious. But when I said I was going to eat the placenta when Katie gives birth to our kid? Just kidding!

But I'm still batshit crazy.

Record oil prices have us over a $70 barrel.

But tax cuts affect the economy, not record high oil prices!

"Economists warn that supercharged energy prices could rekindle inflation across the economy and restrain free-spending consumers."


Oh.

Well. So I pay a little more at the pump. Who cares if I drive my giant, gas-guzzling Hummer? It's not like I'm helping the terrorists!
"The tension has some economic benefit for Iran: Every $5 a barrel increase in the price of oil means another $100 million a week in revenues for Iran, Yergin said."


Oh.

So, I guess if you drive a gas-guzzling SUV, you're an asshole.

But that's really old news.

Also, Red Sox fans:

I'm now contributing to Away team, a NY-based blog for wandering Sox fans. Check it out.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

passed over

Here's to a plucky Passover, a Good Friday, and an Excellent Easter!*

*And yes. I refrained from making the terrible pun "Eggs-ellent" there.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Vanished from Siberia

There was a place.

Behind an unmarked door,'neath the electric glow of a red bulb.

Called Siberia.

Wherein, on Tuesday nights, down in the seedy depths of the punk-hipster bar, society's ne'er-do-wells and would-be comic hustlers would rattle off acerbic barbs, wax poetic on societal taboos, and lament the decline of Western Culture.

'Twas a donkey-punch of a comedy show.

Bo no longer. Banished to Siberia is no more.

The door remains unmarked, the red bulb flickers with electric tears, and the metal stairs lead to dank nothingness.

In memorium, let's remember the good times. Specifically, my set from last year's special extravaganza show:

It's cold in Siberia.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Does your conscience bother you? Tell me true.

I know there's a whole bunch of other things leading back to the WH, but this one is kind of apropos. Since it's, you know, exactly like Watergate.

I emphasized a few key points.


Phone-Jamming Records Point to White House
By LARRY MARGASAK, Associated Press Writer

Key figures in a phone-jamming scheme designed to keep New Hampshire Democrats from voting in 2002 had regular contact with the White House and Republican Party as the plan was unfolding, phone records introduced in criminal court show.

The records show that Bush campaign operative James Tobin, who recently was convicted in the case, made two dozen calls to the White House within a three-day period around Election Day 2002 — as the phone jamming operation was finalized, carried out and then abruptly shut down.

The national Republican Party, which paid millions in legal bills to defend Tobin, says the contacts involved routine election business and that it was "preposterous" to suggest the calls involved phone jamming.

The Justice Department has secured three convictions in the case but hasn't accused any White House or national Republican officials of wrongdoing, nor made any allegations suggesting party officials outside New Hampshire were involved. The phone records of calls to the White House were exhibits in Tobin's trial but prosecutors did not make them part of their case.

Democrats plan to ask a federal judge Tuesday to order GOP and White House officials to answer questions about the phone jamming in a civil lawsuit alleging voter fraud.

Repeated hang-up calls that jammed telephone lines at a Democratic get-out-the-vote center occurred in a Senate race in which Republican John Sununu defeated Democrat Jeanne Shaheen, 51 percent to 46 percent, on Nov. 5, 2002.

Besides the conviction of Tobin, the Republicans' New England regional director, prosecutors negotiated two plea bargains: one with a New Hampshire Republican Party official and another with the owner of a telemarketing firm involved in the scheme. The owner of the subcontractor firm whose employees made the hang-up calls is under indictment.

The phone records show that most calls to the White House were from Tobin, who became President Bush's presidential campaign chairman for the New England region in 2004.



Because if Democrats vote in a free, democratic election, the terrorists will win.

quote from across the Eighth Dimension

From The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

Written by Earl Mac Rauch.


"No matter where you go, there you are."
-Buckaroo Banzai
(Peter Weller)

Friday, April 07, 2006

everyone loves a winner



That's right, bitches. Look who got the $10,000 prize t-shirt.

In no small part thanks to Tom Shillue's absurd debating skills.

Fact in the Head was a blast - if you've never seen the show, check them out EVERY Thursday night at 10PM at their new home in The Tank at Collective: Unconscious, 279 Church St., NYC.

Thanks to Jamie, Ophira, Tom, and Michelle...and lovely assistant Thistle, for a smokin' hot time in the old town last night.

Also, I can't believe I choked on the sparkler-timed challenge. To be fair, fire is pretty and I was totally transfixed by the sparkler. And I still won. Kether.

Thanks for playing. Bitches.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Um, this is a big deal, right?

Papers: Cheney Aide Says Bush OK'd Leak

By PETE YOST, Associated Press Writer 23 minutes ago



Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide told prosecutors President Bush authorized the leak of sensitive intelligence information about Iraq, according to court papers filed by prosecutors in the CIA leak case.

Before his indictment, I. Lewis Libby testified to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak that Cheney told him to pass on information and that it was Bush who authorized the disclosure, the court papers say. According to the documents, the authorization led to the July 8, 2003, conversation between Libby and New York Times reporter Judith Miller.

There was no indication in the filing that either Bush or Cheney authorized Libby to disclose Valerie Plame's CIA identity.

But the disclosure in documents filed Wednesday means that the president and the vice president put Libby in play as a secret provider of information to reporters about prewar intelligence on Iraq.

The authorization came as the Bush administration faced mounting criticism about its failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the main reason the president and his aides had given for justifying the invasion of Iraq.

Libby's participation in a critical conversation with Miller on July 8, 2003 "occurred only after the vice president advised defendant that the president specifically had authorized defendant to disclose certain information in the National Intelligence Estimate," the papers by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald stated. The filing did not specify the "certain information."

"Defendant testified that the circumstances of his conversation with reporter Miller — getting approval from the president through the vice president to discuss material that would be classified but for that approval — were unique in his recollection," the papers added.

FACT IN THE HEAD

TONIGHT! 10PM!



I will be joining the insanity as a CONTESTANT on tonight's show. 10PM.

FACT IN THE HEAD.

See you there.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Justice Delay-ed

DeLay Announces Resignation From House


WASHINGTON - Succumbing to scandal, former Majority Leader Tom DeLay said Tuesday he is resigning from Congress in the face of a tough re-election race, closing out a career that blended unflinching conservatism with a bare-knuckled political style.


By "unflinching conservatism" we mean "hypocrisy, corruption, and greed," and by "bare-knuckled political style" we mean "malicious personal vendettas at the taxpayers' expense."

"The voters of the 22nd District of Texas deserve a campaign about the vital national issues that they care most about and that affect their lives every day, and not a campaign focused solely as a referendum on me," DeLay said in a statement.


Right. His re-election camaign shouldn't be about him. Becuase an incumbant Congressman who's spent years abusing the system shouldn't force voters to judge him or the affect he's had on national policy. Perhaps he confused his campaign with American Idol.

DeLay reflected Republican concerns that the GOP could lose the seat in November, saying his love and loyalty to the party played a role in his decision and adding, "I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative, personal campaign."


Classic. "I refuse to open myself up to sweeping negative, personal attacks by making a sweeping negative, personal attack!"

He's still got it!

Monday, April 03, 2006

24 Question for the Geeks

In the excellent and ridiculously addictive Fox series 24, the current Vice President is named Hal Gardner.

Coincidence?














On a less obvious note, President Charles Logan?

And how about that airline food...?

Uh oh.

Look out, comics. A whole new world of airline jokes just opened up for us! Time to dust off those rusty ol' airplane bits and begin a whole new golden age of hackery!


Airlines to Begin Charging for Amenities

By LESLIE MILLER, Associated Press Writer

Ask for a pillow and blanket to help get through a long flight and you may be out of luck. Or you may be able to buy a "comfort package" from Air Canada for $2. Like to check your luggage curbside? That could cost up to $3 a bag.

Airlines are starting to charge for many services that once were free — such as assigned seating, paper tickets and blankets. Air travelers who don't fly often may be in for some unpleasant surprises when they reach the airport this summer.

"They're going to be confused and they're going to be somewhat upset," said Kevin Mitchell, president of the Business Travelers Coalition. "Is it going to stop them from flying? No."

Intense competition from low-fare airlines along with high jet-fuel prices have led many established carriers to cut back or charge passengers for amenities.

Many airlines no longer serve meals on flights, instead charging for snack boxes and sandwiches.

Sharon Ansara, a government supervisor from El Paso, Texas, flew an American Airlines flight from Dallas to Washington Monday morning.

"We didn't even get peanuts," she said after the 2-1/2 hour flight. "They offered us a snack pack for $4. It stinks."

American spokesman Tim Wagner said that passengers have made it clear that their first priority in buying an airline ticket is price. The company offers a la carte services — such as snack packs — for those willing to pay for them.


[hack]
What's next? "Thanks for paying $439 for this one-way ticket between New Jersey and Ohio. Oh, you want to sit down during the flight? In a seat? That'll be $27. Per minute."

"Hey, folks! I just flew in from Miami and boy is my wallet empty!"

[/hack]

Thus concludes our test of the hack comedy broadcast. Had this been real hack stand-up comedy, the above material would have been immediately followed by a roaringly hilarious rant on why men leave the toilet seat up. And then a Jack Nicholson impersonation.

spring into action

And just like that, it's baseball season again.


In this post-Red-Sox-winning-the-world-series-world, Opening Day seems just a little bit more optimistic, a little bit more hopeful, a little bit like anything's possible.

A year ago today, I was waiting to hear if I even got into grad school. I was temping(!) as a mail clerk(!?) in the package delivery bay (wtf?!) of New York's Channel 13 - wassup BAY 3! Make some noize!! Today, I'm a month away from finishing my first year of grad school. And I'm 50-thousand-more dollars in debt (holy sh!t! wtf?! omg!! rotflmaolol!!!! ;-) ...

which I suppose is progress.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

quote soup

Ah, Groucho.

There are plenty of concise, pithy Groucho one-liners, but one o' my favorites comes from the 1933 satirical farce Duck Soup.

By the Marx Brothers.

Story by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby.

Additional dialogue by Arthur Sheekman and Nat Perrin.

The absurdity of the run-up to war distilled to its essence by Groucho:

I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't. A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a forgein ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of me in front of all my people? Think of it - I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept. Why, the cheap ball-pushing swine, he'll never get away with it I tell you, he'll never get away with it!
(Trentino enters)
So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?
(slaps Trentino with his glove)
-Rufus T. Firefly
(Groucho Marx)

Thursday, March 30, 2006

scAtterBrain

Check out Tim's new comedy CD!

Some of the smartest, funniest, most honest comedy you'll hear, this CD exemplifies what it is that Tim does best: make people laugh. And, to make it extra-special , Tim takes you behind the laughs in a terrifyingly brutal bonus track, where, in unedited real time, you can hear exactly what it's like when a comic tanks at a hell gig.

Buy it now.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sweet Home Kentucky?

Can anyone explain to me why KFC (Kentucky fried Chicken) is using the song "Sweet Home Alabama" in their commercials as their new theme song?

Isn't there a Kentucky song they could use?

Maybe KFC just hates Neal Young and totally loves racist governors.

We all did what we could do.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Not quite sure why I get these updates...

...but I do.

Here's the latest update from Jackie Kane Parham, who occasionally leaves comments for me on random, unrelated posts.

Alfred Parham is just now going to Court, thanks to this situation, Alfred Parham has been caught. The Court date is set for March 23, 2006. Alfred Parham left me with Rent Bills (the military should have paid for). Moreover, I worked as a Confidential Secretary at DSU and discovered lies from when we were dating as Undergraduates and when we were married, i.e., Mailing Address.
Jackie Kane Parham | 03.22.06 - 11:56 am | #



Thanks for the update, I guess!

Chef's eulogy

Today's brilliant quote of the day comes, not from film, but from last week's episode of South Park, written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.


"A lot of us... don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the Jolly old guy who broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity, little club for scrambling his brains..."
-Kyle
(Matt Stone)

covered

Swung by Rocketship tonight during their Comic Jam, where folks all jam on a blank, 9-panel page - each drawing one panel - to create a unique page of collaborative art. Even picked up a pen and contributed a few panels m'self.

Swing by Rocketship NOW and see all the pretty pictures for yourself!

Speaking of pretty pictures...

Inspired by Mike's recent post, and Kevin's Genius Cover Sundays, here are a few of my favorite comic book covers from over the years. In no particular order and in no way complete.

All scans taken from the Grand Comic Book Database.

----------------






Gorgeous Neal Adams cover and a great "Paul is Dead" reference.

I spent years tracking down this comic book. It remains one of my most treasured comics in my collection.












Classy.

I love the charm and stylish simplicity of this fantastic John Buscema cover.












Gee. That Frank Miller sure does know how to draw.

I love the almost animalistic, feral-looking Peter Parker and the anguished ghost-Spidey in the background. Striking and expressive, it's just a beautiful cover.










I don't think it gets more iconic than this.

I can hear the slow, deliberate opening strains of John Williams' classic theme song when I look at this stunning Fred Ray cover. Awesome.











An obvious choice, this cover perfectly captures the essence of Steranko's brilliance. The Dali riff, the sense of dread, the menacing shadow men, the definitive cool of Nick Fury, even on the run; it's the madness that only comic books can give you.

Grant Morrison weeps at this cover.









Swamp Thing. Arkham Asylum.

The Joker in one of the barred windows?!

Moody and creepy, it demands to be read! Just an outstanding Stephen Bissette cover.










'Nuff Said.

Friday, March 24, 2006

2 great tastes, fool

New comic book starring Mr. T?

Check.

Ridiculously kickass cover by comics legend Jim Steranko?



Check.


Steranko plus Mr. T = crazy delicious. Fool.



image taken from Newsarama

Thursday, March 23, 2006

don't mess with Cartman

Last night's South Park was nearly perfect in its satire - the creepiness, brainwshing, and ineffectual threats of the "Super Adventure Club" coupled with the loving eulogy to Chef at the end made for the best response to Isaac Hayes' abrupt departure and Tom Cruise's Scientological hissy fit last week.

And it's good to note that if you get into a pissing contest with Matt Stone and Trey Parker, they'll just turn you and your group into pedophiles.

But here's the really weird thing from today's NY POST:


March 23, 2006 -- ISAAC Hayes may not have quit "South Park" at all - or at least not willingly. Turns out Hayes has been away from Comedy Central's hit show for the past three months because he had a stroke. According to foxnews.com, he's at home recuperating and did not issue the press release which said he was quitting because the show made fun of his faith. That release was put out by fellow Scientologist Christina "Kumi" Kimball, a fashion executive for designer Craig Taylor. According to foxnews.com, "Hayes loves 'South Park' and needs it for income. He has a new wife and a baby on the way."


whatwhatWHAT?

Wow. If this is true - and I hope it is so we can all go on loving Isaac Hayes - then Scientology is even creepier than we thought.

What does Tom Cruise have to say to that?


"Don't touch my thetan! I'm crazy! Yibbidy dabbidy doo!"

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

kicked off

Say it ain't so!

While Ross is bumming out over The Red Sox losing Arroyo, I am far more saddened by this startling news:


By agreeing in principle to a deal with Adam Vinatieri on Tuesday, Indy swiped one of the top players from its old nemesis, New England, and also may have added the final piece to its elusive Super Bowl puzzle.

Vinatieri, who twice hit winning kicks in the Super Bowl for the Patriots, replaces former Pro Bowl kicker Mike Vanderjagt -- the league's most accurate kicker who also badly missed a 46-yarder that would have forced overtime against eventual Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh in January.

The deal was announced on the team's Web site, though terms weren't immediately available. Messages left with the Patriots and agents for Vinatieri by The Associated Press weren't immediately returned.



And to the COLTS no less!

Vinatieri drove a football 45 yards through a blinding blizzard to secure his place in the hearts of all Pats fans and hopefully, earned himself a spot in the Hall of Fame. I'm gonna miss watching him defy the odds.

And to me, that snow bowl kick will always define what I loved about the Super Bowl winning 2001-2002 Patriots.

Monday, March 20, 2006

people.

Some dude pissed himself on the subway today.

Just standing there, clutching a bag, pissed his pants.

And no one said anything.


Just pointing out that we live in a world where random dudes piss themselves in public and everyone just sort of accepts it. Like, "Yeah, that happens."


Public transportation would be a great idea...if we didn't have to share it with the public.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Quote of Darkness

Rarely does the theatrical cut of a movie exceed the director's cut - after all, the director's cut is what the director INTENDED, the cut of the movie they REALLY wanted to make. But every so often, the movie benefits from having some additional creative input.

Such is the case with Army of Darkness, the third film in the Evil Dead series.

Written by Sam and Ivan Raimi.

I could cite any number of reasons why I prefer the theatrical cut of this movie over Sam Raimi's director's cut, but it all boils down to this: the theatrical release contains my favorite quote. I don't know why an inferior line was used for the director's cut (when the rest of the scene is the same), but there you have it.

Hm? Oh. The line. That's easy. It's right after Ash shoots his evil counterpart in the face.


"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."


Great line. In the director's cut, after Evil Ash mocks him for being a "goody-little-two-shoes," Ash still shoots him, but instead quips: "I ain't that good." Eh. Not quite the same.

A side note: apparently, before the studio decided that it should stand on its own, apart from the first two Evil Dead installments, Raimi originally intended Army of Darkness to have a far more clever title:

Medieval Dead.

Heh. That's a groovy title, baby. Groovy.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

sometimes it's just too easy

So, the wires today are reporting this:



Bush: US must resist temptation to quit Iraq

President George W. Bush on Saturday urged Americans to resist a temptation to retreat from Iraq but Democrats pressed him to offer a plan for drawing down U.S. troops and warned Iraq was moving closer to a civil war.

On the eve of the third anniversary of the launch of the war, Bush acknowledged setbacks and the prospect of more bloodshed in Iraq, where bodies are piling up amid waves of sectarian violence.

If I ran the media, I'd sum it up in one simple headline:



Bush to Iraq: "I wish I could quit you."

Friday, March 17, 2006

MI:III - The One Nobody Will See

'taint the Jews that run Hollywood no more, no siree, by gum.

It's them dern Scientologists.

Tom Cruise stopped Comedy Central from airing an episode of 'South Park' that mocks him - by threatening to refuse to promote 'Mission Impossible 3'. The now infamous episode of the cartoon 'Trapped in the Closet' pokes fun at the actor's Scientology beliefs and shows the actor trapped inside a closet.

The show, which was first aired last November, was set to be repeated on Wednesday night on Paramount cable channel Comedy Central. Paramount, owned by US media giant Viacom, is the studio behind the latest 'Mission Impossible' sequel.

However, the show was removed from the schedule at the last minute because Cruise reportedly went to Viacom executives demanding the episode be pulled otherwise he would "boycott" all promotion for 'MI3'.

Company representatives deny the actor was behind the cancellation, insisting the episode was replaced to honor Isaac Hayes - who announced last week has was quitting voicing the character of Chef. Scientologist Hayes resigned from the series, created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, after complaining it encouraged people to ridicule religions.

A Viacom spokesperson said: "In light of the events of earlier this week, we wanted to give Chef an appropriate tribute by airing two episodes he is most known for."


So, um, who else ISN'T gonna see the new Mission: Impossible?



"Yibbidy dabbidy I'm crazy! Love my thetan! I'm trapped in a closet with Xenu!!!"

Thursday, March 16, 2006

They're really taking to this democracy thing

To highlight the irony, please allow me to absurdly quote Axl Rose:

"What's so civil about war, anyway?"


So, Iraq is poised on the "brink of civil war."

Which I think is fantastic.

We're using America as the ideal model of democracy, and it took us 85 YEARS before we had a Civil War. The Iraqis are already there. They are on the fast track to Democracy, my friends!

Monday, March 13, 2006

The Man from MARVEL

One more reason why he can be called Stan "the Man" Lee.

If the reports are true, this video could be one of the coolest clips ever. Stan Lee. Kibbitzing with a possible former CIA assassin.

I'm putting this in my Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD pitch to Marvel.

Thanks for the link, Rich.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

today's brilliant quote



Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me.
-Elwood P. Dowd
(Jimmy Stewart)


Harvey

Screenplay by: Mary Chase and Oscar Brodney, Myles Connolly (uncredited)

Adapted from the play by Mary Chase.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Buddha, Mind, and Soul

I wonder if you can meditate so hard you can make yourself invisible:

Nepali police began hunting on Saturday for a teenaged boy who some people believe is an reincarnation of Buddha after he disappeared from the site where he had been meditating for almost 10 months.

Fifteen-year-old Ram Bahadur Bamjon has not been seen since early Saturday, said Hari Krishna Khatiwada, a district official of Bara, 150 km (95 miles) southeast of Kathmandu.

The boy had been meditating there without food or water since May. Some of his followers are also missing.

"So far we have found no trace of them," Khatiwada said.

Sitting cross-legged beneath a "pipal" tree, which is sacred to Hindus, Bomjon drew more than 100,000 people to the dense forests in southeastern Nepal.

But visitors were only allowed to see him from 50 metres (165 feet) away and the boy was hidden from public view at night behind a curtain drawn by his followers.


I wonder if Monster.com has a job opening for something like this. Being the new Buddha sounds awesome!

To wit:

he had been meditating for almost 10 months.


Months. Just sitting around, thinking. I can do that.

I'm good, how are you?

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone involved in last night's super fun good time show at the Tank. A great audience, a great show, a great time.

'nuff said.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

good news for Sox fans

The Red Sox are looking pretty hot in this year's World Baseball Classic.

From the wires:

Adam Stern, a young backup outfielder for the Boston Red Sox, hit an inside-the-park homer, drove in four runs and made two sensational catches in center to lead Canada over the United States 8-6 Wednesday in the World Baseball Classic.

Jason Varitek's 448-foot grand slam helped bring the United States back from an 8-0 deficit, but a Canadian team made up largely of minor leaguers held on.



David Ortiz and Adrian Beltre each homered twice, leading the Dominican Republic to an 11–5 victory over Venezuela on Tuesday in the opening game of the World Baseball Classic’s Pool D.



With a tight score at 6-5, Ortiz hit it out in the ninth with Miguel Tejada on base to give his team a breather. Later Beltré his another two run home run, to further bury Venezuela.


Who needs Johnny Damon? *sniff*

This could be the year...again.

My new favorite SPAM name

I love when spammers generate wonky names, hoping to fake me out and get me to open up their spam. And sometimes, I truly admire the end result of their efforts.

From my spam box today, my new favorite Spam Name:


Mr Damion Funk


It is perfect unto itself. It sounds like a member of The Invisibles.

Nice and smooth.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

All My Friends are in ASPEN

Well, not all of them.

But a lot of them.

Best of luck to all the funny guys and gals I know who got lucky this year!

And that's all it is, ya hear me? Luck! Ya just got lucky!

Lucky bastards.

*grumble*grumble*grumble*scurvyspider*grumble*grumble*

PS: I AM NOT JEALOUS.

I'm petty. There's a difference.

googling for geeks

It's funny how many hits my lame-o blog gets from folks googling "Lauren Bergfeld" - mainly, because of this post from waaaaaaaaay back in June, 2005.

Cute and adorable Lauren was on this show that I absolutely hated, Beauty & the Geek. Nothing against the good folks on the show, it's the show itself and its core concept: all geeks are socially inept but make money and all pretty girls are golddiggers. The show, in my opinion, denigrates both geeks and women and I don't think either of those groups are really in need of more mockery these days. Perpetuating long out-of-date stereotypes bugs me. Sorry.

Back to the point. Lauren. Obviously, I wasn't the only geek who thought she was cute, as fan sites began popping up and she made her way back to the next season of the FOX show (of which I have not seen an episode).

In the aforementioned post, I joked that maybe Lauren would find this blog by googling her name. And that, friends, is exactly what happened.

You like me huh?

Well, look what I am doing now!

I am playing football and getting paid for it.

http://news.yahoo.com/news? tmpl=...r3069522528.jpg

kisses!

Lauren
Lauren Bergfeld | Homepage | 02.06.06 - 5:06 pm | #


It almost sounds like a middle school note. Adorable. And a link to herself in the Lingerie Bowl. Cute. Always be plugging something!

So there you have it, geeks. Stop stalking hapless women. Just mention a lady's name on your website and she will find you through the magic of google.

Just stay away from the whole MySpace thing. That place is creepy.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

out of touch

By the way, my respect for George Clooney just jumped WAAAAY up.

God bless YouTube.

THIS is how you make a statement in your Oscar acceptance speech.

Concise, heartfelt, and enlightening, it's the strongest recent argument I've heard in response to dipshits who deride any art that actually tries to create a change in society as being "out of touch."


"And finally, I would say that, you know, we are a little bit out of touch in Hollywood every once in a while. I think it's probably a good thing. We're the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn't really popular. And we, you know, we bring up subjects. This Academy, this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I'm proud to be a part of this Academy. Proud to be part of this community, and proud to be out of touch. And I thank you so much for this."


Well said.

And for the record, Batman and Robin was not your fault. Clearly, you were brainwashed by Joel Schumacher's mind-control nipple ray.

not fair

Dana Reeve, who fought for better treatments and possible cures for paralysis through the Christopher Reeve Foundation, named for her late actor-husband, has died. She was 44.

Reeve died Monday of lung cancer, said Kathy Lewis, president and CEO of the foundation.

"On behalf of the entire Board of Directors and staff of the Christopher Reeve Foundation, we are extremely saddened by the death of Dana Reeve, whose grace and courage under the most difficult of circumstances was a source of comfort and inspiration to all of us," Lewis said in a statement.

Reeve won worldwide admiration for her support of her husband, best known for as the star of "Superman," after he was paralyzed in a horse-riding accident in 1996.

She served as chairwoman of the Christopher Reeve Foundation and founded the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Resource Center.

Christopher Reeve died in 2004. In August, Dana Reeve announced she had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

She lived in Westchester County, near New York, with the couple's son, Will. She has appeared on Broadway, off-Broadway and regional stages and on the TV shows "Law & Order," "Oz," and "All My Children."

"Dana will always be remembered for her passion, strength and ceaseless courage that became her hallmark," Lewis said. "Along with her husband, Christopher, she faced adversity with grace and determination, bringing hope to millions around the world."

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Please hold

Okay, so this semester has gotten quite busy. Lots o' writing.

And then it's Army weekend again.

I have some shows coming up next week and I will get around to deconstructing Superman III.

In the meantime, please entertain yourself with the thought of Shaq busting criminals dressed as Kazaam.



"You break the law, jack, you deal with Shaq! KA-ZAAAAAAM!"

Sunday, February 26, 2006

weekend SITREP

Friday:

2 shows, both went exceptionally well.

Rififi was packed, mostly thanks to the large group of folks who came out to see Max Silvestri and Abe Smith. They have a great group of supportive friends. A few o' my pals also came out to support me, and that was nice, too. Warmed my bitter little heart.

I opened the show. It went well. I think I even managed to get a decent tape out of the deal.

So that was a nice start to the evening.

Much thanks to Greg Johnson for throwing me up and to Dan Newbower for taping my set. He had a great set, too. And to Brian Longwell for doing a great job. And to Max and Abe, as well, for great sets and for bringing out most of the crowd. Thanks all around!

After meeting and greeting with the Rififi crowd, I high-tailed it uptown to the 45th Street Theatre for the 11 PM Laughing Liberally show. Peeking out into the audience, I noticed two familiar faces, Josh Kantor and Mary Eaton from back home in Boston, MA. What the hell were they doing here in NYC? At 11 o'clock at night?! They were there to see me. Awwww.

I closed out the show. Great show, in fact, featuring the lovely Jen Dziura on hosting duties and the left-leaning comedy stylings of Bob Smith and Syd Bernstein. Their very funny sets were followed by Jaime Jackson rocking the pi-a-no.

Man, I thought to myself, I don't wanna follow a musical act.

But, I was closing out this show, so I figured I should at least act like a closer. Which I did. And I had a blast. Tried some new stuff, felt very loose, had fun with the audience, got some very positive feedback, and overall, felt great about the set.

So, thanks to all involved! Well done, lads and ladies.

Saturday, another Boston friend of mine was in town with her kick-ass band, The Saturday Saints. They rocked the Knitting Factory last night and if you've not yet heard them, you need to correct that.

Check out their demo online.

Click here for WALKING BY THE SEA.

You're welcome.

Huh.

You learn something new every day.

You scored as Cultural Creative.

Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative


100%

Postmodernist


69%

Idealist


69%

Existentialist


63%

Modernist


44%

Materialist


44%

Romanticist


44%

Fundamentalist


31%

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com


And I thought I was a postmodern romantic existential idealist...

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Attention filthy hippies!

2 shows tomorrow night!!

A quick set on the Greg Johnson Show at Rififi at 8PM, along with some of Boston's other favorite sons:

Dan Newbower!
Max Silvestri!
Abe Smith!
Brian Longwell!
& hosted by true gentleman lover:
Greg Johnson!

Feel the Boston love tomorrow night at 8. It'll be wicked pissah!

Friday, February 24th @ 8PM
The Greg Johnson Show
Rififi
332 East 11th Street (between 1st & 2nd Ave), New York City


THEN:

I'll be doing a very fair & balanced set friday night at 11 pm. So make sure those early-to-bed right wingers are safely tucked into bed for a good night's sleep, and then come out and party with the lefties!

Also featuring Syd Bernstein and Bob Smith.

And hosted by Jennifer Dziura, who looks pretty darn good in Wonder Woman underwear. I'm just sayin'...

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24th, 11 PM

The LAUGHING LIBERALLY LAB

45th Street Theater
354 West 45th Street, 2nd floor
(Between 8th and 9th Ave.)
Reservations: (212) 967-7079 x210
$10.


Sure, things look bleak now, but haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter? Come out and laugh...before Dick Cheney shoots you in the face.

Seriously.

He will shoot you in the face.

Laugh with (or at) those crazy lib'ril types. Friday. 11 PM.

Unless you've already tapped my phone. In which case you already know the info.

Five Fists of Hell Yeah!


MARK TWAIN!

NIKOLA TESLA!

NEW YORK CITY!

THE AWESOME POWER OF SCIENCE!

THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!

The Five Fists of Science.

Yes. I believe I shall be picking this up.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Portly Insecure

Maybe it isn't the best idea to put a company owned by the United Arab Emirates in control of operations at major American ports in major American cities. You know, when we're currently involved in a war with some Arab nations. Luckily, we have spin doctors hard at work, trying to tell Americans that concens over terrorism equal racism against Arabs. It's good spin.

Potential terrorist ties of Dubai aside, I think the skirmish over US-Arab relations obscures the real problem here:

OUTSOURCING.

Okay, so in this instance it's Dubai, which causes some alarm. Maybe the concern is overstated, but it still raises concern. As it should. Today's allies are tomorrow's enemies. No foreign company should ever be in charge of anything that involves the security of America. Under ANY circumstances.

I'm opposed to having an Arab company secure our ports the same as I'm opposed to a British company running our ports the same as I'm opposed to having a Japanese or Australian or Canadian or German or any country that ISN'T the US controlling our ports. Any foreign company overseeing American security concerns me. Because US national security is only a primary concern for the US. For any other country, our security is just business. And our national security should never be "just business." We may have some problems, but I'm pretty sure that we, as Americans, can find enough qualified people to pull our own damn security and operate our own damn ports.

Just thinking out loud here, but don't we have, oh, I don't know, any AMERICAN companies that could do this job? Or, perhaps, like a standing Army or some sort of Fedrealized port security marshalls or maybe, what are they called, a National Guard or a Coast Guard or something that could oversee port operations? Just tossing out suggestions. I mean, a lot of tax-payer money is going toward the Department of Homeland Security; it can't ALL be going toward secret domestic spy programs...can it?

All I know is, Americans could use jobs. And our ports could use managing and securing. I'm thinking that finding Americans jobs managing and securing American ports might be a way to solve such problems.

Because outsourcing our national security is a terrible solution. No matter how you spin it.

What we need is a true American hero to guarantee safety and security for America's ports.

And I know just the patriotic law enforcement official for this tough job...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

WAH-HOOOO!

Thanks to the supremely awesome Alex at the bestest comic book store ever, I am now the proud owner of:



Jealous?

In other geeky news....

Maybe 9/11 drove Frank Miller nuts, maybe it didn't. But one thing's for sure: Holy Terror, Batman! is the book Frank Miller NEEDED to write. I actually don't think it's a bad thing to have Batman punching out one of America's deadliest foes. It's just following in the proud tradition of comics as power fantasy and wish fulfillment, which Miller himself points out:

Superman punched out Hitler. So did Captain America. That’s one of the things they’re there for. These are symbols of our people, of our country. These are our folk heroes. It just seemed to be kind of silly to be chasing around the Riddler when you’ve got al-Qaeda out there.


I totally agree. And at least Miller has Batman hunting down Osama and al-Qaeda. You know, the actual terrorists who attacked us. He could have had Batman going after Saddam if he were going for the straight up, gung-ho, "USA! USA!" take on the War on Terrorism. If Miller tried to tie Saddam Hussein to al-Qaeda's terrorist attack on 9/11...well, now that would be crazy.

Meanwhile, this take on it is awesome:

Sunday, February 19, 2006

...I've taught ladies plenty...

Because it's stuck in my head right now, one of the greatest TV theme songs ever:

The Unknown Stuntman.

The theme to The Fall Guy. Sung by Lee Majors himself.

And now it's in your head, too. Ah hey hey!

Quote of Steel

For Ross.

Because I've been thinking about Superman III. I think the genius of this quote speaks for itself.



"Ya Always wanted to fly, Kent. Now's yer chance!"

- Evil Superman
(Christopher Reeve)






Superman III

Screenplay by
David & Leslie Newman.