FOUND!

Orbit update!

I found Sweet Mint gum at a deli. First time in weeks. Not sure if that's because the packs have been sitting there for months or what, but the Sweet Mint is still out there.

To recap:

Sweet Mint = Awesome.

Mint Mojito = Lemon Pledge.

Greatest American Theme Song?

It's up there.



It's been in my head all day long. Now it's in yours. You're welcome.

Also, I always loved that suit. There's something sleek about the red and black design. Someone else thought so, too.

And Connie Sellecca. Another early childhood crush.

This isn't even the geekiest superhero-related thing she did on TV.

This is.

On the apparent disappearance of Sweet Mint

Dear Makers of Orbit gum:

Recently, I have found it impossible to find one particular flavor of your gum in various convenient stores, a flavor of gum I quite enjoyed. Sweet Mint.

What happened? Where did the Sweet Mint go?

I strongly encourage you to bring back the Sweet Mint so that I, and other like me, can enjoy the refreshingly cool taste of Sweet Mint Orbit gum once more.

Because this new Lemon Pledge flavor (or whatever it's called) just isn't doing it for me.

That is all. Thank you.

It's not the crime, it's the cover up

What's interesting to me about this latest scandal - one which pales in comparison to, say, outing a CIA agent, for example - is that here, no one from the White House even had to lie about firing the federal judges for political reasons. They do serve at the President's discretion.

What's intriguing is, the White House DID lie about it. Which makes you wonder then, why?

Democrats viewed [Kyle Sampson's] testimony as key to finding the answers to the political question and a second, investigative query: Did Gonzales and the Justice Department provide misleading accounts of the run-up to the firings?

Like the first question, the answer to the second is yes, according to a Justice Department letter accompanying new documents released hours before Sampson's appearance.

The Justice Department admitted Wednesday that it gave senators inaccurate information about the firings and presidential political adviser Karl Rove's role in trying to secure a U.S. attorney's post in Arkansas for one of his former aides, Tim Griffin.

Justice officials acknowledged that a Feb. 23 letter to four Democratic senators erred in asserting that the department was not aware of any role Rove played in the decision to appoint Griffin to replace U.S. Attorney Bud Cummins in Little Rock, Ark.

Acting Assistant Attorney General Richard Hertling said that certain statements in last month's letter to Democratic lawmakers appeared to be "contradicted by department documents included in our production."

That admission, only hours before Sampson's testimony, took some of the sting out of Democrats' key pieces of evidence that the administration had misled Congress.

Still, Sampson provided plenty of fodder. He acknowledged planning the firings as much as two years ago with the considered, collective judgment of a number of senior Justice Department officials.

However, he denied that the firings were improper, and he spoke dismissively of Democrats' condemnation of what they call political pressure in the firings.

Sampson maintained that adherence to the priorities of the president and attorney general was a legitimate standard.

SO. Why the misleading letters, the subsequent denials, and the outright lies? Unless there's more to the story.

Clearly, given a choice between being truthful or being misleading, the White House will always errs on the side of not telling the truth.

And this isn't even one of the worst scandals at the White House. To me, it's like going after Al Capone for tax evasion.

Of course, they got Al Capone on tax evasion...

Um, 311...seriously...?

TIME: MIDNIGHT.

Workers are jackhammering outside my window.

At midnight. On a TUESDAY night. That's a week night.

Like jackhammering the street. Made of concrete. Loudly.

Not cool, guys. Not cool.

Self Help

I just wanted to give a quick plug to a very funny comic, Jen Kirkman, and her awesome new CD, Self Help.

You've come a long way from when I first knew you back in Boston, sitting on a stool, smoking a cigarette.

Actually, I've known Jen even longer, from waaaay back in our college improv days. Oh, yeah. We all have dark pasts.

Anyway, buy her CD. Honest, raw, charming, and hilarious.

Marshall Rogers

1950-2007

These are the jokes - 4th week of March

Health officials said Monday that over 123,000 New York City women have quit smoking between 2002 and 2005. Or died from it. Either way, they’re not smoking anymore.

A Rhode Island woman and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9 year-old daughter to teach her about sex. And I thought it was awkward when my mom just told me about the birds and the bees…

A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. The Americans have developed a similar robot and he currently serves as the vice president.

I also wrote an alternate version:

A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. And then they kill you.

I didn't submit this particular version, but SNL did end up using a very similar punchline, except they're punchline was:
"...right before they rape you."
Moral? My earlier reservations about using "rape" as a punchline were clearly wrong. And. They're all rapists.

2 more jokes that I didn't submit this time around:

US and Panamanian authorities reported they seized more than 19 tons of cocaine from a ship in the Pacific, making what is thought to be one of the world's biggest maritime drug busts. Of course, when the ship left port, it had TWENTY tons of cocaine on it…

A new report shows that about one-third of the people in Washington DC are functionally illiterate. The other two-thirds don’t work at the White House.

comedy. tonight.

This is where you'll find me.

SATURDAY MARCH 24th @ 10:30pm

THE KISSING BOOTH

The D-Lounge * Basement *
101 E. 15th St.
Union Square * NYC

Here is a photo of some poor child, dressed as a fluffy bunny.



Years from now, this once-child will drive cross country in a two-door pick up truck with only twenty packs of cigarettes, a jug of gasoline, a book of matches, and a Kenny Loggins cassette tape, the only thing he has left of his mother's.

He will arrive in Nevada, tired but determined. A calm sense of certainty will envelope him as he douses himself in the cleansing serenity of the gasoline and marches through the main doors of the Bunny Ranch. Mechanically, methodically, detached - he will allow a small smile to creep across his cracked lips. Finally, after all these years, he can forgive her. He will strike a match and his world will burn.

Mommies, Daddies:
Please. Don't dress your children up as bunnies.

Head, Radio

Drowning in scripts and feeling pretty intense and moody lately. It happens.

So I got Radiohead playing on shuffle in the ol' iTunes. Here are the last ten...

My Iron Lung

Faith
You're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell

I've said this to so many girls, so many times...

...maybe I have a problem.

No Surprises

Off of OK Computer, this music video is awesomely creepy and beautiful....

What's weirder than Thom Yorke? Thom Yorke's head submerged in a jar of water.

Prove Yourself

Pablo Honey is simply a great Rock N' Roll album. Solid guitar rock. No more, no less.

Airbag

Perfect way to kick off OK Computer...hints of the more experimental techno-synth-rock fusion they would explore in their later albums.

Sit Down, Stand Up (Snakes & Ladders)

This is what hippies of the future will listen to. In the future.

Stop Whispering

I really love Pablo Honey as an album. You should, too.

Black Star

Did you know that the "Black Star" is an ancient reference to the planet Saturn? It can also mean a theoretical star that has a surface escape velocity that equals or exceeds the speed of light.

Also, did you know that The Bends album is dedicated to Bill Hicks?

Karma Police

This song always reminds me of the Beatles' Sexy Sadie. Of all their songs, this one is probably the most derivative, I think. It's also damn catchy. And it has the line: "Her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill..." Sheer beauty.

Morning Bell

I know a lot of people don't dig Kid A or the more experimetal turn the band has taken of late...the music can be disjointed and jarring. But the hypnotic, rhythmic beats and fascinatingly complex arrangements and lyricism win you over. Great moody background music.

Just

My all-time favorite Radiohead song, this has long been my personal anthem. Biting lyrics, sweet riffs...and an absolutely vicious guitar solo in the middle. This is rock n' f'n roll! Plus, the video for it is kind of brilliant.

And that's why it really hurts.

"field-tested"

From the Wires.

Please note the use of the phrase "field-tested.

Anna Nicole judge cited for pot in park


A judge who had a secondary role in the recent Anna Nicole Smith proceedings was charged with smoking marijuana in a city park, police said Monday.

Lawrence Korda was smoking marijuana while sitting under a tree Sunday, police said. Three officers who were training there saw Korda and field-tested the cigarette, said Capt. Tony Rode, a police spokesman.

The judge was not arrested. He was given a misdemeanor citation to appear in court.

"Judge Korda was not given special treatment because of his status as a circuit court judge," Rode said. "He was provided with a notice to appear. That's exactly what 99 percent of other offenders would have been given for this type of offense."

Especially after they let us "field-test" their joint.

Darth Vader has a posse

If I were a Dark lord of the Sith, I would totally mess with my admirals.

All the time.



YouTube makes blogging easy!

"We make holes in teeth!"

Geekiest battle cry ever?

"No time for love, Dr. Jones"

From the wires:

Blanchett Could Be 'Indy's' Next Love

Cate Blanchett is in negotiations to star opposite Harrison Ford in the long-awaited fourth installment of the "Indiana Jones" series, her publicist confirmed Saturday.
"She is in negotiations, yes," publicist Lisa Kasteler told The Associated Press. She did not elaborate.

Filming is scheduled to begin later this year, with Steven Spielberg on board to direct. The movie is being produced by "Star Wars" creator George Lucas' Lucasfilm Ltd.

Ford played Indiana Jones in 1981's "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1984's "Temple of Doom" and 1989's "The Last Crusade."

Am I the only one hoping for Marion? I mean, she was really the only gal worthy of Indiana Jones. And at whatever age he's going to be in the movie, I kinda was hoping it would have all worked out for those two crazy kids in the end.

Also, after Princess Leia, Karen Allen was my third childhood crush. (Wonder Woman was my first, but that's a whole...different...it's a long story, we don't need to get into it...)


I'm a little torn here. I LOVE Indiana Jones. I think Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the most perfectly constructed movies ever made and one of the greatest films of all time. And as much as I want to see more Indiana Jones, do I really want to see more Indiana Jones?




Especially a new Indiana Jones movie that will come out 19 years after the last installment?


Isn't this just one more last grasp at recreating/reconnecting with nostalgia?

Oh, don't worry. I'll see it. I mean. Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford. Of course.



Good for Cate Blanchett, though.

Ya know, it's funny. She was born in 1969; Harrison Ford was born in 1942. That's a 27 year difference. Which is exactly the difference in age between the new Indiana Jones movie (2008) and Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

These are the jokes - 3rd week of March

• Lucasfilm has announced a deal to show Star Wars related films made by fans on Spike TV. Giving fans of Star Wars and Spike TV one more thing to do while not getting laid.

• In a new book by Pope Benedict about his predecessor, he reveals that he was opposed to Bob Dylan appearing at a youth event with the late Pope John Paul in 1997 because he considered the pop star the wrong kind of “prophet.” A Jewish one.

• During his five nation tour of Latin and Central America, President Bush took the opportunity to use a large amount of Spanish to break the ice. Spanish Fly, that is.

Aw, yeah.

BANSHEE REMINDS YOU:

PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Original panel from Uncanny X-Men #106, pencils by Bob Brown & Dave Cockrum, inks by Tom Sutton. Unaltered panel can be found here.

"Mistakes were made."

Commenting on the Alberto Gonzales scandal, President Bush said, "He's right, mistakes were made. And I'm frankly not happy about it."

"Mainly, because they're my mistakes."

"Mistakes were made." Ah. That old chestnut.

And then there's this retraction of the latest misinformation campaign:

The White House on Friday backed off its earlier contention that then-White House Counsel Harriet Miers first raised the idea of firing U.S. attorneys — an act that led to a firestorm of criticism of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

"It has been described as her idea but ... I don't want to try to vouch for origination," said White House press secretary Tony Snow, who previously had asserted Miers was the person who came up with the idea. "At this juncture, people have hazy memories."

Snow's comments came as e-mails surfaced Thursday night pulling the White House further into the intensifying probe over the firings of eight federal prosecutors. The e-mails raised new questions about top political adviser Karl Rove's role in the dismissals, and came amid eroding GOP support for Gonzales that put his job at risk.

Snow said it was not immediately clear who first floated the more dramatic idea of firing all 93 U.S. attorneys shortly after President Bush was re-elected to a second term.

"This is as far as we can go: we know that Karl recollects Harriet having raised it and his recollection is that he dismissed it as not a good idea," Snow told reporters. "That's what we know. We don't know motivations. ... I don't think it's safe to go any further than that."

Asked if Bush himself might have suggested the firings, Snow said, "Anything's possible ... but I don't think so." He said Bush "certainly has no recollection of any such thing. I can't speak for the attorney general.

"I want you to be clear here: don't be dropping it at the president's door," Snow said.

Yeah. Don't be dropping that shit off at the president's door. Didn't you hear? The motto is the third-person passive "Mistakes Were Made," not the first-person active "The Buck Stops Here."

UPDATED
Tim McIntire sums it up best:

It's gotta be passive voice, man.

"Stopping by the buck was done at certain locations."

excess jokes

Hurm. What happens when I write more jokes than I submit? I post 'em on my blog! Whoo! Blogging! Fake content! Whoo!


Ahem. Here are some jokes I wrote this week:

• A new study revealed Monday that nearly a third of all veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan came home with mental illness or serious behavioral problems. The rest of them got sick while being treated at Walter Reed.

• As part of a demonstration of the benefits of a free trade deal he had trouble pushing through Congress, President Bush on Monday heaved crates of lettuce onto a loading dock in Guatemala. Unfortunately, they were all laced with e-coli.

• A Long Island teacher, who charged that she was fired because administrators mistakenly thought she was a witch, lost her 2 million dollar lawsuit Tuesday. The judge in the case then mysteriously burst into flames.

• Iran's cultural advisor criticized the hit movie 300, saying that the Greek vs. Persians action film is an "obvious insult" against their ancient culture and provokes animosity against Iran. Average American moviegoers responded by saying, “Iran? I thought the Spartans were just fighting random gay, black dudes.”

• It was reported that Whitney Houston has started work on her comeback album. And by “work,” they mean “snorting coke off of.”

Here's one with a soft punchline:

A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. Sometimes, they’re just good old fashioned perverts.

If I wanted to be edgier, I suppose could've said, "Sometimes, they're just good old fashioned rapists."

But did I really want to go there? No. No, I didn't.

Some people might. Some people might go there.

And you know what we call those people? Rapists.

more crazy

I'm on the subway the other night, on my way to a show. And I'm going over my set and working out some new bits on politics and the government. Getting the wording right. Just running through my set.


And I suddenly realize that, to everyone else on the train, I've been angrily talking to myself for three or four stops.

Ranting about Haliburton and Iraq and Scooter Libby...


I was the crazy guy ranting about the government on the subway!

That's how it begins.

From Big Mac to Sir Mac

I know Paul McCartney has a formidable army of lawyers to help him get through his current divorce from Heather Mills.

But may I humbly suggest the addition of one more to his legal team:

The awesomely crazy, ranting guy from Mickey D's last night. This guy is good.


An excerpt, from what could be a closing argument:

"Paul McCartney has billions of dollars. And he was married to Heather Mills for, like, 3 years? And she wants half? Hell, no! Half?! You ain't earned no billion dollars! You didn't write no songs that changed the world! You weren't even born yet when he wrote them damn songs! You didn't write no Hey Jude. You didn't write no Satisfaction. Half?! Hell, no."

Gold. Pure gold.

The defense rests.


And yes, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction is a Stones' song...but he was on a roll.