Friday, May 20, 2005

Outrage us.

So, I'm sure Scott McClellan will be blasting the NY Post for running pictures of Saddam Hussein which have outraged Shiites. Right? I mean, he'll demand an apology from the paper...right? Anything less would be ... dare I say it ... hypocritical. Right? I mean, since people's lives are being lost and all.

Thousands of Shiites, many waving Islam's holy book over their heads, protested the U.S. presence in Iraq on Friday after the detention of several supporters of a radical cleric, while Sunnis shut down places of worship elsewhere in a show of anger over alleged sectarian violence against the minority.

The U.S. military also launched what it said would be an aggressive investigation into how a British newspaper got pictures of an imprisoned Saddam Hussein clad only in his underwear, saying the photos violated military guidelines and possibly the Geneva convention on the humane treatment of prisoners.

The photos, which appeared on the front pages of the British tabloid Sun and the New York Post and were broadcast across the Middle East by some Arab satellite networks, were expected to fuel anti-American sentiment among supporters of the former dictator who are believed to be the driving force behind the country's insurgency.

The Shiite protests in the southern cities of Najaf, Kufa and Nasiriyah, came as Iraq's Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari announced that he will visit Syria, which has been accused of harboring insurgents bent on starting a civil war in Iraq.

The protests, which drew an estimated total of 6,000 demonstrators in the three cities, followed radical cleric Muqtada al-Sadr's call Wednesday to reject the U.S. occupation of Iraq by painting Israeli and American flags on the ground outside mosques to be stepped on in protest raids against holy places.

In violence elsewhere, a suicide bombing targeting the house of Iraqi national security adviser, Mouwafak al-Rubaie, killed two civilians and wounded three in the Baghdad neighborhood of Kazimiyah, police said.

After the explosion, gunmen in the nearby Azamiyah area opened fire at a U.S. base in Kazimiyah on the western side of the Tigris River, witnesses said. The gunmen later fled, they added. Witnesses reported seeing U.S. Apache attack helicopters firing rockets into the neighborhood.

A U.S. soldier also was killed early Friday in a vehicle accident caused by roadside bomb attack near Taji, 10 miles north of Baghdad, the military said. At least 1,628 members of the U.S. military have died since the Iraq war started in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count.

Al-Sadr's call for protests was made a day after U.S. and Iraqi forces detained 13 of his supporters during a raid on a Shiite mosque in Mahmoudiya, 20 miles south of Baghdad. Iraqi troops confiscated weapons from the mosque.

Al-Sadr, a burly, black-bearded cleric, launched two uprisings against U.S. forces in Baghdad and Najaf in April and August last year, then went into hiding before surfacing on Monday to demand that U.S.-led forces withdraw from the country.

"From this platform, we warn the government not to fight the al-Sadr movement because all the tyrants of the world could not beat it," Hazim al-Araji, the imam of a mosque in Kufa during Friday;s sermon. "We say to the government do not be a tyrant like Saddam or (former interim Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad) Allawi."

In the Shiite holy cities of Najaf and Kufa, al-Sadr followers painted American and Israeli flags on most streets near mosques before stepping on them.

"Down, down Israel; down, down USA," chanted protesters following midday prayers at a Kufa mosque.

In Nasiriyah, 200 miles southeast of Baghdad, al-Sadr supporters clashed with guards at the headquarters of Dhi Qar provincial governor, Aziz Abed Alwan.



Personally, I think extremists who would protest over an inaccurate Newsweek article or photos in US and British papers are looking for an excuse to protest, so I don't see how any news agency should be held responsible for acts of terrorism or violence against Americans. From where I stand, claiming that a news report is responsible for violence against Americans takes the responsibility away from the terrorists. That type of rhetoric just feeds the terrorists' rationalizations, no? But since Scott McClellan decided to make such a big deal out of the Newsweek article, I would expect him to at least be consistent in his righteous indignation.

I would anxiously await McClellan's statement on this latest development...but I'm not holding my breath here.

Keeping up with the Chappelles

So, as I hypothesized earlier, Comedy Central has embraced the "Dave's crazy and has disappeared!!" hype. Yesterday, I caught an in-house ad where the Comedy Central announcer is leaving numerous messages on Dave's answering machine, wondering where he is. The ad was plugging an upcoming Dave-a-thon that they're running of his show and comedy specials.

Good for them. It's a great marketing tool and the best example of turning crazy into "crazy-ade." And it shows that - as is appropriate for a comedy network - they've maintained a healthy sense of humor about the whole thing. That's pretty cool.

It's still funny how the news continues to push the "crazy Dave angle" by taking his quotes out of context. In other news, Dave says "...I'm...hearing voices ... help ... can't stop ... them ... kill."

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

"Obi-Wan never told you the truth..."

Rationalization #2,987:

Ya just can't trust anything that Obi-Wan Kenobi says. I mean, everything the old geezer said in the original trilogy turned out to be a big ol' fat lie. Turns out, Vader was telling the truth all along. And not just "from a certain point of view."

Judging from the other two prequals, Obi-Wan was probably just too embarassed to tell Luke what REALLY happened. And honestly, if I had lived through Episodes I and II like Obi-Wan, I would've made up a bunch of bullshit to tell Luke, too.

"Oh, your father. Um, he was cool. Hey, look at this neat-o lightsaber!"

In less than five hours, I will be watching Episode III. Aw, yeah.

All these years, Obi-Wan tried to protect us from the awful truth about what really happened. He tried to shield us from the terrible knowledge of how truly lame the Old Republic was...and now we know. He tried to hide it from us. "Now his failure is complete."

Hehehehe. In honor of Episode III, I give you The Last Jedi Supper (via The Beat):



Sporting chance

Dear Red Sox Nation:

Is it all right to hate David Wells NOW?!

I mean, I've always hated David Wells, but now, is it okay to really just HATE him? I don't think he's good for our team, nor do I think he's good for humanity as a whole. I say this not out of malice toward the man, but out of love for the Red Sox.

Sincerely,

A Sox Fan

PS: Jason Varitek (see: favorite player) hit another homer today. So far, that brings the Red Sox's number of runs this game to a grand total of: one. The A's currently hold a 10-1 lead over us.

I hate David Wells.

12:01 AM

Yes, I will be watching the midnight viewing of Revenge of the Sith.

Now, really, is there any reason why there have been so many damn reviews of this movie? Seriously. At this point, is it even worth reviewing a Star Wars movie? Somehow, the normal rules of film criticism don't really apply to any movie that has the words "Star Wars" attached to it. Is there anyone out there whose opinion will actually be influenced by a review? Is there anyone out there who will or will not see this movie based upon Slate's opinion?

As far as I can tell, the only reason why anyone even offers up a review of a Star Wars movie at this point, is to brag about how they've seen the movie before the rest of us and to rub it in our faces. "Ooooh, look at me. I've already seen it. And to prove it, I'm going to ruin every conceivable surprise moment for you."

Bah.

I shall watch it tonight and I shall offer no review. OH! And another thing! I hate when reviews start out: "If you liked 'Empire,' then you'll think this movie is awesome!!!" Don't tell me what I'm going to like. I'll decide what I like, thank you very much.

My own council will I keep on which movies I enjoy.

So, as we prepare for the reverse infinity loop that is the double-helix of the final Star Wars film ever to be made, I have decided to trust in the teachings of the wisest of the Jedi, when he sagely stated: "You must unlearn what you have learned."

And just as Yoda taught Luke to clear his mind of all distractions, so too will I enter Revenge of the Sith with an open mind. I will not try to enjoy this movie tonight; I will enjoy it. For, as Master Yoda says in the greatest of the Star Wars films:

"Try not. Do or do not. There is no try."

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Another 'Development'

Yay. Good news for fans of good comedy!

Fox re-ups '24,' 'Arrested' By Nellie Andreeva and Cynthia Littleton
Tue May 17, 8:37 AM ET

After several weeks of negotiations, Fox Broadcasting Co. has sealed a deal to bring back real-time political thriller "24" for two more seasons.

The network has also given a last-minute renewal to reigning best-comedy Emmy winner "Arrested Development," which has been on the bubble since the network cut back the show's second-season order in the spring because of underwhelming ratings.

Both shows are produced by Fox's News Corp. sibling, 20th Century Fox TV, and Imagine TV, the small-screen arm of Ron Howard and Brian Grazer's Imagine Entertainment.

While there has been a lot of buzz about "Arrested Development" getting a short order for next season, Fox's decision to pick up a full-season, 22-episode order of the quirky series, comes as somewhat of a surprise.

"'Arrested Development' is one of the best comedies on television," Fox's recently appointed entertainment president Peter Liguori said. "The decision to order another season becomes easy when you consider its amazing cast, creative brilliance, critical acclaim and advertiser appeal."

Bill Moyers: My New Favorite Hero

"Of course you know, this means war." That's pretty much the gist of Bill Moyers' latest speech to the National Conference for Media Reform. Here's a little taste:


First, let me assure you that I take in stride attacks by the radical right-wingers who have not given up demonizing me although I retired over six months ago. I should put my detractors on notice: They might just compel me out of the rocking chair and back into the anchor chair.

Who are they? I mean the people obsessed with control using the government to intimidate; I mean the people who are hollowing out middle-class security even as they enlist the sons and daughters of the working class to make sure Ahmad Chalabi winds up controlling Iraq's oil; I mean the people who turn faith-based initiatives into Karl Rove's slush fund, who encourage the pious to look heavenward and pray so as not to see the long arm of privilege and power picking their pockets; I mean the people who squelch free speech in an effort to obliterate dissent and consolidate their orthodoxy into the official view of reality from which any deviation becomes unpatriotic heresy. That's who I mean. And if that's editorializing, so be it. A free press is one where it's OK to state the conclusion you're led to by the evidence.

One reason I'm in hot water is because my colleagues and I at "Now" didn't play by the conventional rules of Beltway journalism. Those rules divide the world into Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, and allow journalists to pretend they have done their job if, instead of reporting the truth behind the news, they merely give each side an opportunity to spin the news.

Jonathan Mermin writes about this in a recent essay in World Policy Journal. You'll also want to read his book "Debating War and Peace: Media Coverage of U.S. Intervention in the Post-Vietnam Era." Mermin quotes David Ignatius of the Washington Post on why the deep interests of the American public are so poorly served by Beltway journalism. "The rules of the game," says Ignatius, "make it hard for us to tee up on an issue without a news peg." He offers a case in point: the debacle of America's occupation of Iraq. "If Senator So-and-so hasn't criticized postwar planning for Iraq," Ignatius says, "it's hard for a reporter to write a story about that."


Excellent reading over at Salon - Moyers' full speech.

Here's one of his most damning points:

Instead of acting as filters for readers and viewers sifting the truth from the propaganda, reporters and anchors attentively transcribe both sides of the spin -- invariably failing to provide context, background or any sense of which claims hold up and which are misleading.


And here's a point of view that I've expressed on numerous occasions:

In Orwell's "1984" the character Syme, one of the writers of that totalitarian society's dictionary, explains to the protagonist, Winston, "Don't you see? Don't you see that the whole aim of newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? Has it ever occurred to you, Winston, that by the year 2050 at the very latest, not a single human being will be alive who could understand such a conversation as we're having right now. The whole climate of thought," he said, "will be different. In fact, there will be no thought as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking, not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness."

Hear me: An unconscious people, an indoctrinated people, a people fed only partisan information and opinion that confirm their own bias, a people made morbidly obese in mind and spirit by the junk food of propaganda, is less inclined to put up a fight, ask questions, and be skeptical. And just as a democracy can die of too many lies, so that kind of orthodoxy can kill us, too.


Thankfully, some real journalists - like Moyers - are finally taking a strong stand against the erosion of own democracy.

Go Forward

Sometimes it takes just a little to do a lot of good.

I don't want to get all shmaltzy here...so I'll just guide you to the appropriate website. I just ordered my tag:


Christopher Reeve redefined courage and hope. His strength, determination, and compassion inspired the world. He was our hero. Today, the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation proudly introduces the CRPF Superman Tag. This special offer is your opportunity to pay personal tribute to Christopher Reeve's incredible legacy. By wearing the CRPF Superman Tag, you believe that Christopher's vision will Go Forward.

The Christopher Reeve Foundation Superman Tags can be worn around the neck on a chain, or clipped onto gear, sports equipment, purses, or book bags. All proceeds from the sale of the Superman Tags go to the Christopher Reeve Paralysis Foundation. Purchase the Superman Tag to show your support of Christopher Reeve's vision and the mission of his Foundation.


Order a tag today and support progress. Support science. Support hope. And help preserve Christopher Reeve's legacy. Help them go forward and do some good.


Monday, May 16, 2005

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell..."

Thankfully, Dave Chappelle is fine. It looks like, in the long run, he'll be totally ready to jump back into the fray, after recharging in the relative solitude of South Africa.

Yet, all the latest news stories regarding Chappelle have some sort of snarky headline, taking his quotes out of context to make him seem crazy. Like: "Dave's not crazy, but he's hearing 'voices'" or "Dave says: 'I'm not smoking crack!'"



Chappelle: I'm Not Crazy
5/16/05 - 1:52 PM ET
By Adam Gonshor
(andPOP) -

Dave Chappelle says he's not crazy, he's not in a mental institution, he's not addicted to drugs, and he doesn't have a problem with a partying lifestyle.

Chappelle spoke publicly this weekend for the first time since he "disappeared" last week and denied reports that he entered a mental health facility.

Speaking with Time Magazine, Chappelle says he went to South Africa on a "spiritual retreat" as his show, Chappelle's Show, was suspended indefinitely by Comedy Central.

"Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh," he told the magazine. "I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here."

He says he visited a physiatrist for one 40-minute session, just to make sure he was sane.

"You hear so many voices jockeying for position in your mind that you want to make sure that you hear your own voice," Chappelle said. "So I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone — stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as the brakes."

He says he hopes to return working on the show when he returns, but didn't say when he plans to leave South Africa.



Fleeing to South Africa to recharge was actually an inspired idea, in my humble opinion. Clearly, the super-stardom and the mega-money deal put pressure on him ... and where else can a celebrity go to clear his head, decompress, and actually think things over without a constant barrage of 'yes men' and executives pushing and pulling you around? Good for him for taking time out to refresh.

And if I were an executive at Comedy Central (and I'm NOT), I would be salivating at Chappelle's eventual return to the spotlight. I mean, this is exactly the kind of beautiful train wreck that the public loves to watch. Sure they had to postpone the third season of the show, but they get so much more in return. Melodrama, rumors, speculation - the deperate human drama that is unfolding before our very eyes. And when Dave finally makes his triumphant return to his show, we will be there to cheer him on ... while maintaining a healthy dose of morbid curiosity, of course. And, Comedy Central stands by their guy in his time of need, saying they'll be there for him when he returns.

You can't put a price on publicity like this. Well, actually, you can put a price on it. $50 million, to be precise.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

You tell 'em, Sir!

I would comment on the Pentagon's base closing plans...but I believe General Wes Clark sums it up best:

Retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark said Saturday that the Pentagon's plan to close military bases around the country and reorganize troops will isolate the military from the American people and the rest of the world.

Clark said the plan to pull U.S. forces back home from abroad and centralize bases takes jobs away from smaller towns.

"We're losing influence abroad when we bring those troops home, and we lose the interaction with America when we create these super bases," Clark said in a speech to the Arkansas Associated Press Managing Editors Association.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

ooogh ooogh Fire

Sci-Fi Channel (bless their souls) is, for some strange reason, playing The Clan of the Cave Bear this morning.

A movie starring a young Daryl Hannah, with no spoken dialogue, ridiculous make-up, and the "emotional" character arc communicated through grunts? Who thought this was a good idea?

I mean, someone gave the green light for this movie. Someone read the plot synopsis and when they got to the part about a blonde haired, blue-eyed Cro-Magnon girl who doesn't fit in with her adopted Neanderthal tribe .... they KEPT READING! Even worse, someone "read" the script - made up of narration, scene descriptions, and the occasional "oogh" - and said, "sure it's only ten pages long, but I think we can stretch this into a film."

If you haven't seen the movie, let me describe it for you: Daryl Hannah plays a Neanderthal...who looks EXACTLY like Daryl Hannah. And the other cave people don't trust her. Mainly because they have to wear shitty Neanderthal make-up and she doesn't. There's lots of grunting. Some cave dude tries to bone Daryl and then I think she gets pregnant. I don't really know. She starts hugging all the Cro-Magnon chicks for like 10 scenes in a row. I think this is supposed to signify some sort of acceptance/female bonding/baby shower thing. Again, I'm not sure. I stopped watching by this point and had flipped over to ESPN to watch Cliff Floyd celebrate his two game-winning homers for the Mets last night by getting hit in the face with a pie during a post-game interview! HAHAHAHA! Man, that's so funny...hm? Oh, yeah. Clan of the Cave Bear. Sorry. Just terrible. Even Joel, Mike, and the Bots would be hard-pressed to make this movie watchable. That's pretty bad, dude.

One day, I hope to make movies. I'm under no illusions. I know it's a difficult field; an unforgiving, unfair, and often cruel industry. I know this. But if they made THAT movie, what WON'T they make? I would like to think that one day, when I'm shopping around my unsold screenplays and cursing The Powers That Be for not recognizing my brilliance, talent, and vision...I believe that I will always have my dignity and the peace-of-mind that comes with the wisdom of The Truth. For no matter what happens, I maintain the upperhand. I have a sure-fire, can't lose, guaranteed bargaining chip.

They made The Clan of the Cave Bear. And I did not. And once that's on the table, all bets are off. And anything is possible.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Big Delight in Every Bite

Thursday. Geek talk. In remembrance of the beloved Geek Council, aka The Grand High Council of All Things True.

First off, as May 19th quickly approaches, I realized today that I had been neglecting my geek civic duty and as of yet, had not made definitive plans to watch ...that movie that's coming out next week. I had caught midnight showings of the first two prequals and, since George Lucas first began tinkering with the classics by releasing the re-mastered versions of the Holy Original Trilogy, I had spent every Star Wars movie opening day with either Ross, Tim, and/or Danny. This would be the first year that I wouldn't be geeking out with one of them on opening day. And then I further realized, I wasn't in my familiar surrounding with my usual geek contacts - I was in New York! And I hadn't bought any tickets. So, on my lunch break from my mindless-monkey-job, I strolled around the corner to the Loews theater, walked up to the ticket counter (no lines, no hassles) and asked the kind lady if there were any tickets available for the May 19th showing of SW:EIII:ROTS. She asked me if I wanted the Wednesday night midnight showing? 'Uh, sure,' I replied. And suddenly, I have tickets to the midnight showing. I thought it would somehow be more difficult. I guess the Force is strong here...


On a completely different note, here's another thing wrong with comic books today: no Hostess Fruit Pie ads. Remember the days when crimes could inconceivably be thwarted with the real fruit filling and the delicious flaky crust of Hostess Fruit Pies? Patton Oswalt remembers. Read the never-to-be-published hilarity of "What If...villains could really be swayed by delicious fruit pies?"

Also, be sure to check out EVERY SINGLE HOSTESS FRUIT PIE AD EVER - complete with commentary - over at seanbaby.com.

And check out this one in particular...I could be wrong, but "Ralph G. Fake" looks remarkably similar to Donald Rumsfeld in that final panel. Harmless Hostess advertisement or portentous parable...?

'Nuff said.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Silver lining

Well, it looks like some good came out of the incident. Here's the latest update, via Ross:

Ms. Olivia Rutledge, Spencer High School Principal, along with Mr. Al Parham, Assistant Principal, and two Spencer counselors, met with Kevin Francois and his guardian Monday morning. Kevin is now back in class at Spencer, following a conference in which behavior expectations were discussed and methods of supporting Kevin were outlined. Kevin will not be penalized for his two-day suspension, and his guardian will meet Tuesday with Kevin’s counselor and teachers regarding his overall academic progress this semester.


See. This is a far more appropriate response to the incident, which takes a "big picture" view of the situation and it appears that the school is (now, at least) showing interest in tackling the root of the problem. I'm glad that maybe now, Kevin will get the attention and the help that he really needs, rather than a knee-jerk reaction to an angry kid lashing out at authority. Imagine that - an actual lesson learned in a school.

Suspended sentence

First, a little background on me. Both my parents are teachers. I was deployed for a year in Operation Enduring Freedom and, three months into my deployment, my father was called up and served in Operation Iraqi Freedom for a year. So, I feel like I have a little bit of expertise on the story of Kevin Francois, suspended for cursing at teachers after being told to get off his cell phone while talking to his deployed-in-Iraq mother.

A few quick things:

Kevin is black. Kevin lives in Georgia. Kevin has been known to be a "problem student." Kevin was being raised by his single mom and Kevin's single mom was deployed to Iraq, leaving Kevin with a guardian. I don't need to get too much into the racial subtext here or the wisdom of any policy that sends single parents overseas...but let's just say that this event didn't occur in a vacuum.

Here's the update on the story:


School Reduces Suspension Over Iraq Call Sun May 8, 6:27 AM ET

Following hundreds of angry phone calls and e-mails, school officials in this Army base city have reduced a suspension imposed on a student who wouldn't give up his cell phone while talking to his mom — a sergeant on duty in Iraq.

The angry calls about the boy's suspension got so bad at one point that secretaries had to take their phones off the hook, assistant principal Alfred Parham said.

Kevin Francois, a 17-year-old junior at Spencer High School, was suspended for 10 days for disorderly conduct Wednesday after a teacher told him to give up his cell phone outside the school during his lunch break and he refused, the teen said.

The boy said he had not expected the call from his mother, Sgt. 1st Class Monique Bates, who left in January for a one-year tour.

The teacher says the confrontation happened in a hallway, not outside, and that Francois never said the call was with his mother.

The Muscogee County School District Board of Education allows students to have cell phones in school but not to use them during school hours.

The punishment for violating that policy is that the phone is confiscated until the end of the day. But Francois was suspended for cursing and being defiant, said Parham. That was extended to 10 because "he did not want to accept the three-day suspension and to agree that he would not use the cell phone openly or curse."

"We are empathetic to all students whose parents serve in the armed forces ... (but) we do have behavior standards which we uphold," said Superintendent John A. Phillips Jr.

On Friday, the school district reduced the suspension to three days, which will allow Francois to return to school Monday, after officials met with him, the guardian who cares for him while his mother is out of the country, and a representative of her unit.

"People are fussing at us, calling us names," said assistant principal Wendell Turner.

"We are the school that serves Fort Benning," Turner said. "We're well aware of students with parents overseas."

Parham said, however, that Francois' behavior at school has been "a chronic problem."

And Francois added: "I'm not a golden child and I've been wrong, but I was right this time."


And here's the crux of the argument:

"I'm not a golden child and I've been wrong, but I was right this time." He was right this time. It appears that the school officials jumped the gun in this instance. They were looking for a reason to punish this kid and they made a mistake. And, while I agree that students' behavior at school needs to be monitored and regulated, their after-the-fact defense is disingenuous:

The teacher says the confrontation happened in a hallway, not outside, and that Francois never said the call was with his mother.


Oh. The teacher didn't know that it was his mom on the phone. That's funny. Because on Friday, the school officials said that they could have arrested Kevin, but instead suspended him because they were sympathetic to the fact that his mom was serving in Iraq.

So. The school screwed up. They had a problem kid who was on his cell phone during school hours (lunch). And they obviously did not give him the benefit of the doubt...nor did they take into account his circumstances, instead opting to simply punish him. Of course the kid got confrontational and cursed at the teacher. He's a 17-year old kid who's only parent is in Iraq, he only hears from her once a month or so, and he has no control over when she calls (and neither does his mom). And I seriously doubt that the teacher wanted to hear Kevin's side of the story. I'm sure the teacher merely assumed that Kevin was being defiant for the sake of being defiant. That would frustrate even the best of students, never mind a so-called "problem student."

This incident points to the larger problem, which is how over-burdened schools cannot deal properly with disruptive students who come from troubled backgrounds or are undergoing stressful personal circumstances. I'd be interested to see what the student-teacher ratio is in this school, but I have a feeling that this particular school is not equipped to properly handle the stresses of catering to a military community. The default reaction is to simply punish the student for being "out of control," rather than trying to combat the actual problem or to talk with the student and try to solve the problem together.

The real answer to the problem is to provide schools with more funding and better resources, including better pay for teachers who must deal with a diverse student body that may have other things on their minds, other than Earth Science.

And PS: Thanks to Paul, we know that Mike Gallagher is an ass.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Suspension of disbelief

Ya know, if I was a student talking on my cell phone to my mom who was in Iraq, and a teacher tried to force me to hang up on her, I'd probably swear at them, too.

COLUMBUS, Ga. - A high school student was suspended for 10 days for refusing to end a mobile phone call with his mother, a soldier serving in Iraq, school officials said.

The 10-day suspension was issued because Kevin Francois was "defiant and disorderly" and was imposed in lieu of an arrest, Spencer High School assistant principal Alfred Parham said.

The confrontation Wednesday began after the 17-year-old junior got a call at lunchtime from his mother, Sgt. 1st Class Monique Bates, who left in January for a one-year tour with the 203rd Forward Support Battalion.

Mobile phones are allowed on campus but may not be used during school hours. When a teacher told him to hang up, he refused. He said he told the teacher, "This is my mom in Iraq. I'm not about to hang up on my mom."

Parham said the teen's suspension was based on his reaction to the teacher's request. He said the teen used profanity when taken to the office.

"Kevin got defiant and disorderly," Parham said. "When a kid becomes out of control like that they can either be arrested or suspended for 10 days. Now being that his mother is in Iraq, we're not trying to cause her any undue hardship; he was suspended for 10 days."


Way to be sensitive. Ass. I also love how that last quote was probably spoken without any trace of irony. "We don't want to upset his mom in Iraq so we just suspended her son." Ass.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

You don't know the power of the Dark Side or A (Re)New(ed) Hope

Thursday. Which means another geek out. Man, I miss the Geek Council.

So, obviously, the major news on the Geek front is next week's release of STAR WARS: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. And, due to a recent geek outpouring of skepticism and outright animosity surrounding the current state of the Star Wars franchise, I humbly offer an open letter to all geeks everywhere who have given in to their basest, most negative feelings. This was originally posted on The Geek Council message board a few weeks back. This post is rated PG-13 and contains adult language.



My fellow Geeks. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Granted, George Lucas has proven himself inept at both writing and direction.

Granted, the last 6 years have unquestionably been tarnished by the disappointing presence of Episodes I and II.

Granted, George Lucas has raped and pillaged our collective childhoods.

Granted, I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

Granted, the prequels and the re-masters have done nothing but contradict and undermine the brilliance of the original trilogy.

Granted, we no longer owe George Lucas anything after being repeatedly Jar-Jar'ed* with Episodes I and II and disrespected in countless interviews.

*Jar-Jar shall henceforth be known as the Geek term for being fucked. Example: After watching Episode I, I felt as if Lucas had gouged out my eyeballs and skull Jar Jar'ed me.

Granted, the Phantom Menace line "You were the Chosen One," makes me feel physically ill. And granted, there are several moments in Episodes I and II that continue to make me physically ill.

Granted, we've only seen trailers which, by their very nature, show us only glimpses of what could be good about the movie, with approx. 134 minutes of potential shitty movie left to be seen.

Granted, this is all true.

But. My fellow geeks.

We must hold out hope. In Episode III, we have here what we have really been waiting for, and that's some serious carnage. The destruction of the Old Republic. Wookies. Plural. Yoda with wookies. Plural. Remember when we were promised that Wookie battle in Jedi but then we got Ewoks instead? Wookie battle. Volcano fight between Anakin and Obi-Wan. The Emperor. The Emperor in all his Sith glory. The Emperor kicking a lot of Jedi ass. Vader. Vader kicking a lot of Jedi ass. Yoda. Yoda kicking ass and getting his Jedi ass kicked. Beheadings. Jedi beheadings. Serious, serious Jedi beatdowns.

Forget the last 2 movies. Just. Forget. Them. Forget what was. Focus on what will be.

Geeks. Geeks. Did you see the shot of the Emperor in a lightsaber dual with three fucking Jedi Masters? Did you see the fucking WOOKIES? Did you see Natalie Portman?! Natalie Portman, geeks!

My fellow geeks. We are not geeks because the genre has treated us well. We are not geeks because we have ever been respected. We did not tune in weekly to watch Buck Rogers because it was good sci-fi (it was not). We did not watch every second of "V" because it fully lived up to its potential (it never did). We did not adore Adam West's Batman because it was a respectful portrayal of the Dark Knight (the Batusi?! The Bat-fucking-tusi?!). We have always taken what we have been given, and we have allowed our imaginations to make the best of it. And we have loved it all, despite the disappointment.

Star Wars has survived in spite of itself. From the beginning, it hit the rocky shores of Bea Arthur and the 1978 Holiday Special. And yet, The Empire Strikes Back followed that abomination. We have survived animated Ewoks and Droids cartoons, 2 live-action Ewok adventures, and Boba Fett being accidentally knocked into the Sarlacc Pit. And this was all done when Star Wars was still considered sacred. We can no more judge Revenge of the Sith by Episode I than we could have judged the original Star Wars by THX 1138.

If we have learned nothing else from Star Wars, we know that it is ultimately a story about redemption. Like Darth Vader, Lucas has stumbled down the all-powerful path of the Dark Side. But we must hold out hope that he can still be turned. We must have faith - just as Luke had faith in Vader - that Lucas will ultimately do what is right. Luke never gave up on Vader. Despite how evil Vader had become, Luke believed that there was still good in him. And despite how evil Lucas has become, we must believe that there is still hope. Star Wars is ours. And we must not root for Lucas' failure; we must hope for his redemption.

Star Wars is probably THE most important institution in all of Geekdom, and like the Jedi Knights of the Old Republic, we must do our best to protect it. And that requires not just forgiveness for past sins, but also faith in the future. For isn't that, in its purest form, what Star Wars is truly about? If it means once again being stabbed through the heart after watching Episode III, so be it. That is the risk I am willing to take. And as good and noble Geeks, that is the risk we must all be willing to take.

Justice demands the benefit of the doubt, despite all evidence to the contrary. Luke held out hope, and so must we.

My brothers and sisters, we MUST have faith. Not just for Lucas' sake, and not just for our own sakes, but for the sake of all of Geekdom. It is...our destiny.

Breaking news?

I'm up unusually early this morning to discover that explosions rocked the British Consulate in NYC.

Two small makeshift grenades exploded outside the British Consulate in New York early Thursday, causing slight damage to the building but injuring no one, officials said.

The blasts occurred at 3:50 a.m. and originated from inside a cement flower box outside the consulate in midtown Manhattan, said police department spokesman Noel Waters.

Police said both devices were toy grenades that had been altered to explode with the addition of black gunpowder. Police made the conclusion after piecing together the shrapnel. They estimated that one was the size of a pineapple; the other the size of a lemon.

The blasts shattered a panel of glass in the building's front door and ripped a one-foot chunk from the planter. The department's bomb squad was at the scene and streets were closed in the area.


Thankfully, no one was hurt in the blast. But it's just another startling reminder of how underfunded and understaffed NYC's homeland security program actually is...I'll be curious to see if it spurs the gub'mint to throw a few more "anti-terrorism" dollars our way, but I ain't holding my breath.

As Mayor Mike begs for your vote this year, just remember how safe he's keeping the Big Apple. And remember how hard he's fought for a new Jets' Stadium, raising tolls, subway fares, and public transportation fees while blithely ignoring the need for a legitimate increase in security funding.

Meanwhile, in other news:

Comedy Central has postponed the premiere of its hit series "Chappelle's Show" less than a month before it was scheduled to return for a third season.

The network offered no rationale for the decision Wednesday, releasing only a brief statement: "Comedy Central has suspended production on the third season of "Chappelle's Show" until further notice. All parties are optimistic that production will resume in the near future."

Representatives for the show's star, Dave Chappelle, declined comment.

One of Comedy Central's highest-rated series, "Chappelle" was supposed to be back on the air May 31. The network already has postponed the third season once; "Chappelle" originally was scheduled to bow in February.

A Comedy Central spokesman had blamed the first postponement on writing delays. Other published reports noted that Chappelle was battling the 'flu'.

Chappelle made headlines in August when he signed on for two more seasons of his series in a deal worth about $50 million -- an expensive sum for a cable program. The new deal was supposed to give Chappelle a portion of the robust DVD sales generated by its first season, which has sold more than 3 million units.

The DVD release of the second season of "Chappelle" also was postponed this year after Paramount Home Video originally scheduled units to hit stores in February timed to the third-season bow. The release date was pushed back to May 24.

Comedy Central had ordered 13 episodes for the third season. Production on the series yielded material late last year but then closed for the holidays and didn't resume until February.


Bizarre. Even weirder - I've been trying since last November to submit sketches to the show, all to no avail. I had heard rumors of problems with the show's upcoming season - everything from writer's block to creative problems. None of which really made me feel better.

In some ways, I'm a little relieved to hear that it (apparently) was not just a case of writer's block, since my ego screams: "Helllllloooooo! I got your sketch comedy writer right here, bitch!" On Tevye's other hand, however, I hope that Chappelle is okay. Since Mitch Hedberg's abrupt death, I'm a little cynical. I'd hate to see another talented and genuinely funny comic snuffed out too soon. Here's looking forward to a healthy Dave Chappelle and successful third season of the show.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Today's a special day

Twenty two years ago today, my little sister Geordarna was born. Yes, I am proud of her. No, I am not happy that I have a younger sister who is 22. Yes, she is cuter than me.



No, I don't know why she is throwing that child...



In other news, today is also International Respect for Chickens Day.

Yet another reason why I don't eat cereal.

British boy finds snake in cereal box
How non-poisonous serpent got there being probed

Reuters
Updated: 11:04 a.m. ET May 4, 2005


LONDON - A British boy tucking into his breakfast had a nasty surprise when he discovered a two-foot long snake inside his box of cereal.

Jordan Willett, 5, thought he had found a toy when the serpent -- a harmless corn snake -- slithered out of the packet of "Golden Puffs" his parents had bought from discount store Netto in Telford, central England.

"It was quite long and popped its head up. I've seen snakes on TV before but never in a box of cereal," he told the Daily Mail newspaper.

Netto said on Wednesday it was talking to its suppliers to review procedures and check on its stock.

"This does seem to be a bizarre incident but we are treating it seriously," said Netto trading director Clive Cooper.

Corn snakes, which feed on mice and birds, are commonly kept as pets around the world.


To quote the famous archeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry Jones, Jr.:

"I hate snakes. I HATE them."

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Get Lost

No, seriously. Get lost. Get outta here. Scram. Disappear.

In fact, you can now disappear in America without a trace! Apparently, it's not that hard. At least, it's not hard after you've read the step-by step, easy-to-follow guide on how to vanish without a trace right here in the good ol' US of A.

Learn how to completely destroy your vehicle in a safe and efficient manner, make friends in biker bars, and become comfortable with firearms.

Some excerpts:

Assuming you're a housewife with little to no experience with guns:

Remove the firearm from its drawer, night stand, or under the bed or the closet making sure that you keep your hands and fingers away from the trigger. Nearly all firearms will not discharge if you keep your fingers away from the trigger. All firearms require the weapon to be either cocked before it will discharge else one must use a fairly heavy pull on the trigger to both cock and fire the weapon. If a weapon has been cocked, it could be that even the slightest pressure -- some three pounds or less -- could discharge the weapon. For this reason, keep your fingers away from the trigger!

Always be fully aware of where the barrel of the firearm is pointing. Keep it pointed in a direction which will not result in injury of yourself or anyone else in the event the gun discharges. Ground-floor apartment dwellers should point the firearm down. Other-floor apartment dwellers should point the firearm at the television, book-shelves, radiator, heater, or air conditioner -- anything heavy which would stop the bullet if the firearm discharges. Most apartment complexes' walls and most residential houses' walls are too thin to stop most of the popular projectiles.

If you know what to do, clear the weapon. If you don't know what to do or are uncomfortable clearing the weapon, don't try it.

-----------------------
Leave town. Don't go to any place you've talked about or stated a desire to visit. Don't run to any place predictable. Don't hide in a city or town you've ever been to or contains known family members. Don't do something obviously stupid like running to Las Vegas or Hollywood. If you're taking children out of an abusive family, leave town and go immediately to a shelter in another State -- preferably a State which has laws which help to protect battered men or women from their ex-spouses or live-ins.

------------------------
Use "toilet seat protectors" -- so-called "Ass Gaskets" -- where they are provided to reduce the possibility of leaving skin, sweat, or other body fluids on the seat. These substances can be swabbed into glass vials and be used to identify you. Paper seat covers will either eliminate this problem else reduce it greatly.

NEVER lick an envelope or a stamp for obvious reasons! If it is known you're in a particular city your general location can be inferred by the physical location of your correspondence in a stack collected by the postal authority. You shouldn't mail anyone anything unless it's done so anonymously (wear gloves when handling paper) yet if you feel the need, remember that if you lick something and it leaves your control, you may as well take out an advertisement in the newspapers broadcasting your general location.

------------------------
The anti-establishment and socially disassociated populace has always existed and has always been an asset to those on the run. Your job is to find them if you need them. Be honest with such people since they know the score and will shine you on if you're a lying jerk.

Motorcycle Hangouts.
Buy people drinks, talk politics, express your viewpoints, and get to know the people in motorcycle hangouts.

Express an honest interest in learning how to ride safely. Find out what it's like to drop everything and ride to feel free.

Eventually, let a few you think you can trust know that you're looking for a place to hang out "out of the way" for a couple of days. Don't press the issue and don't ask outright for shelter. Ask around about where a good spot to sleep is out in the hills where the cops won't find you. Someone may offer you a tent in his backyard.

Ask where a good place is to find something to eat or get day labor. Someone may offer you a fiver or yard work.

Honestly make friends with some of the people. Your best bet is not to lead people on and take advantage of them but to actually befriend people who can help you hide and then -- hopefully -- start a new life with a new identity.


You know, I never really seriously considered dropping out of society and re-inventing myself as a cool, mysterious loner on the lam, living day-to-day through hard manual labor ... but I have to admit, after reading this little how-to essay, the idea does sound kind of romantic. Except the part about the "ass gaskets." That part was just weird.

Monday, May 02, 2005

That's why he's a PROFESSIONAL

John Rogers once again nails it...and I ain't too proud to link to it.

Here's a little slice o' Rogers' wisdom:

Now who the hell am I to even think I have something to contribute here? Well, let's say the candidate's job is to walk into a room of complete strangers and get them to like him. Connect with him. Wow, the few rare politicians who can do that, they're worth their weight in gold.

I did that for twelve years. So did hundreds of other people you've never heard of. We're stand-ups, and that's the ENTRY-LEVEL for the job.

A good stand-up can walk into a room, a bar with no stage and a shit mic, in the deep goddam South or Montana or Portland or Austin or Boston, and not only tell jokes with differing political opinions than the crowd, can get them to laugh. With all due respect to our brother performers in theater, etc., we can walk into a room of any size from 20 to 2000 complete strangers with no shared background and not just evoke emotion ... we can evoke a specific strong emotion every 15 seconds. For an HOUR. A good stand-up can make fun of your relationship with your wife, make fun of your job, make fun of your politics, all in front of a thousand strangers, and afterward that same person will go up and invite the stand-up to a barbecue.

In short -- every club audience is a swing state
.

Good natured ribbing

First Lady Laura Bush on her husband:

"He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year, when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse," she said.


From Earthtimes.org:

George (President Bush) is usually in bed by now. I'm married to the president of the United States and here's our typical evening: Nine o'clock and Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep. I'm a desperate housewife ... left watching 'Desperate Housewives' -- with Lynne Cheney (the Vice President's wife)."

She then went on to tell how the vice president's wife went to a Chippendale's (men's strip club), "along with Condoleezza Rice and (top presidential adviser) Karen Hughes."

"But it was OK. (Supreme Court justices) Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't say what went on, but let's just say that Lynne's Secret Service nickname now is 'Dollar Bill.'"


Hahahahaha! Double standards are hilarious!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Idol thoughts

Since this is the week that Constantine was booted off American Idol, I thought now would be a good time to mention this little Benari fun fact.

Fresh out of college, I did a little corporate comedy theatre with a Boston-based group to help pay the bills. Yeah, it's unglamorous, demeaning, and sould crushing, but a little Murder Mystery and corporate entertainment never hurt anyone. Much. The people were great and the gigs were a nice diversion while I fgured out what I wanted to do when I grew up. I'm still working on that part...

Anyway.

I played a number of parts and did a bunch of shows, all across the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts. One of the regular shows I did during the summer of '99 was a Mississippi Riverboat Murder Mystery cruise around Boston Harbor, wherein I played the brooding Cowboy gambler. Pretty easy gig. I wore a 10-gallon hat and cowboy boots, played poker the entire night, and dropped a few red-herring clues over the course of 2-3 hours. Not a bad way to earn some extra bucks. Of course, then I joined the Army (Reserve)and shipped off to Basic Training in February of 2000 ... leaving Comedy Theatre Productions with a role to fill for the upcoming summer cruise.

My replacement? That's right.

Constantine Maroulis.

And now you know...the rest of the story.

Good DAY.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The Abyss Gazes Also

So, it's Thursday. And as some readers might know, back in my Boston days, I used to do a monthly Thursday show called the Geek Council with these guys. Actually, to be technical, the show was called "The Grand High Council of All Things True" ... but I digress. Yet again.

Anyway - the point is, it's Thursday and Thursdays hold a special place in my geek heart. Which brings me to the point of this particular post. Mike Sterling mentions a Watchmen musical over on Progessive Ruin, specifically relating this conversation:



Me: "Yeah, I saw Warren Ellis' comment about this on his site...and about how he wouldn't be surprised if the Watchmen movie turned out to be a musical."

D: "Actually, I'd like to see a musical verison of Watchmen."

Me (singing): "I feel so bluuuuuue...."



Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Funny thing about geeks...

Long before David Bowie even mentioned that he'd like to turn Watchmen into a rock opera - waaaay back in September of 2002, WBCN's own uber-geek Rob Reuter joked on our message board that he was waiting to see the Watchmen musical...to which, Ross and I responded by writing up several songs from said musical. So now, for your reading pleasure, excerpts from our Watchmen: the Musical. Blame Rob Reuter.


I kicked things off with this hastily written ditty:



"They called for the Doct-or, Dr. Manhatten.
I am the Doct-or, I have my own patent.

With a wave of my hand,
I'll turn glass into sand;
I can equate the precise rate at which matter can relate;
out of time I might fall but I will still heed the call;
have I made it quite clear, quarks and leptons I hold dear.
What the future may hold, do I know what will happen?
Yes! for I am the Doct-or - I'm Dr. Manhatten."



Ross responded with:



Dead dog in the alley
Nobody cares
Dead alien thing in the city
Everybody stares.

Veidt sees his wrong as right
That's no surprise
Everything looks black and white
When you see the world through
Rorschach's eeeeeeeeyes!


So then I wrote the opening number:


(Cry No) Tears For a Clown - *opening number*

The Comedian's dead (who is that? Should I weep?)
And the city's in bed (why is that? Should they sleep?)
And the moon, like a god, straddles the skyyyyyyyy!

Has the world really changed (Is it true? What he says?)
Are the heroes estranged (Are we here? In a haze?)
Could it be, is he right? That the end is niiiiiiigh?


Cry no tears for this clown
For vile deeds fill his past
and while no villain was found
surely he will laugh last!

Smiley face filled with stains
For ourselves we must fend
But the question remains
Who watches...the WatchMEN!


Ross then gave us this haunting duet:


Hollis:
A long time ago, I prowled the street
I searched high and low for crime.
But so many years wear on an old man's feet
And after a while I knew it was my time.

CHORUS:
Who has a care for an ooold Night Owl
Who Who? Hoo Hoo?
Who has a prayer for an oold Night Owl
Who Who? Hoo Hoo?

I tried to make things right.
I hope I did some good.
But I'm through with the Night.
I'm done with my tiiiime, Under the Hood.

Daniel:
I once met a man who changed my life.
I tried to be just like him.
I'd use gadgetry to ease people's strife
I fought villains no matter how grim.

I dedictaed my life to fighting crime
I made the world better in my spare time
But the damned Keene Act cut me down in my prime.

Ooooh.

CHORUS:
Who has a care for an ooold Night Owl
Who Who? Hoo Hoo?
Who has a prayer for an oold Night Owl
Who Who? Hoo Hoo?

Hollis:
I tried to make things right.

Daniel:
I hope I did some good.

Hollis:
But I'm through with the Night.

Hollis and Daniel:
I'm done with my tiiiime, Under the Hood.



Quoth Ross: "Not a dry eye in the house, baby."

But now Ozymandias needed his own showstopper. Which I was happy to give him:




'Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty (and Despair)'


What hell hath men wrought?
who shall lead the way?
Cannot they be taught?
I've not yet had my say...


I've traveled far and near,
deep answers I have sought
Alone I stand, I fear
I must free the world from this Gordian Knot...

And when the mighty fall!
I shall rise above them all
My path is clear, my mind is strong

Your pleas have all been heard
My wrath has been incurred
this is my plan, this is my song

War!
You foolish humans all know
War!
And now I see I can end
War!
An end to war, shall be no more, an end to waaaaaaaaar!


And when the mighty fall!
I shall rise above them all
To win it all takes sacrifice

I've given up all this
even my dear Bu-ba-stis
To save mankind, but at what price?


Ross then asked, what about the people?
Tick tock
tick tock
tick tock
tick tock

Look at all the clocks
Hey it's almost noon.
Boy the time does fly
Gonna have a biiig war soon.


Tick tock
tick tock
tick tock

Look at all the clocks.
Just about midnight.
I should get to bed
Oh no a teeeenemant fire.


Tick tock
tick tock

Look at all the clocks.
Once again it's noon.
Something's in the air
Feels like impeeeending doom.


Tick tock

Look at all the clocks
Eleven thirty five
Boy my life's a mess
But hey, there's allllllways ti--



Gotta love an abrupt ending!

At this point, Rob realizes the evil that he has unleashed upon the world and chimes in:

Yes, and all the songs are very funny. However, you understand that
I'll need to kill you both for this.

However, if anyone can write a Silk Spectre song that references the
Tijuana Bible porno comic, they'll have my undying respect.


Hrm. Sounded like a challenge to me. And I'm not one to shy away from a challenge. Besides, how could I pass up the chance to earn Reuter's undying respect? Soooooo:

(singing to a picture of her daughter)

Is this the life I've led?
One filled with fame and glory
And as I lie here in bed
there must be more to this story

My life has past, my child is grown
her spirit strong and true
I see these are the seeds I've sown,
my legacy lives on through you

Through you, I can still feel that thrill
Through you, my dreams you can fulfill
Through you, my past slips through my fingers
Through you, the warm glow of Nostalgia lingers!

My precious child, I've done you wrong
For your forgiveness, I'll even grovel
I sit here now, my face grown long
while I spread my legs in some 10-cent novel

For in my heart, my spirit rages
And I'm still young within those pages
But now the day has turned to night
and I must share my burdened plight

Our secret tryst, I hid from you
And even tho' I always knew
My dear sweet Eddie now lies dead
And I sit here, alone in bed

I tried to protect you all along,
and now through you/ my mem'ry will always/
linger
oooooooooooooooon!



And there you have it. Watchmen: the Musical, by Benari and Ross. Now, if you'll excuse, I'm pretty sure Alan Moore is conjuring up some magikal hell for me...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

It's cold in Siberia

There is a place. Behind an unmarked door,'neath the electric glow of a red bulb.

Called Siberia.

Wherein, on Tuesday nights, down in the seedy depths of the punk-hipster bar, society's ne'er-do-wells and would-be comic hustlers rattle off acerbic barbs, wax poetic on societal taboos, and lament the decline of Western Culture.

It's a donkey-punch of a comedy show and it's quickly becoming my favorite place to pound some good ol' fashioned counter-culture back into my head when I'm becoming too bourgeoisie.

And last Tuesday, I was reminded why it's either the greatest underground "comedy" show in town or simply an exercise in shadenfruede.

Arriving late, I descended the metal stairs alongside a visiting friend from Boston. Instinctively, I warned her of the absurdly cult-like atmosphere of the show, jokingly referring to it as being akin to a live-action snuff film. Little did I know. The show was already in full swing and the theme of the night was storytelling. Specifically, your favorite drug-related stories.

Now, apparently, the previous week (which I had missed), a certain gentleman decided to offer up his best "fat chicks" jokes, and was literally dragged off the stage amidst a howl of boos and jeers. And so a deal had been cut. This week, he could tell his painfully unfunny and hateful fat material if he stripped down to his underwear and whipped out his fun stick.

And so he did. Dropping his drawers, there he stood, at attention*...

*Which was odd - who gets a woody standing on a cold stage standing in front of a shocked crowd in the sketchiest bar in NYC?! But I digress....

So there he was, his dingle-dongle aimed at the audience like a tiny torpedo of hack comedy, he launched into his invective as the audience tried to shield their eyes while simultaneously trying to watch the surreal train wreck that was occurring. As this tubby Panamanian-looking gent referred to himself as a "Skinny American," the irony disappeared into the stunned laughter of his captive audience. Horrible, hack material with no discernable punchlines + exposed genitalia = comedy gold. It's one of those traumatic, unbelievable moments that defy explanation. You just had to be there. This guy really wanted to tell fat jokes. That's called commitment, people.



My eyes still bleed. No one there will forget what they witnessed and what they learned that night: it's cold in Siberia.

Day Tripper

From Salon:

The Secret Service may have thought it was clearing things up when it turned over to Reps. John Conyers and Louise Slaughter security logs showing Jeff Gannon's comings and goings from the White House. It hasn't worked out that way.

As Raw Story noted almost immediately, there are all sorts of holes in the documents the Secret Service released. The documents show that Gannon got access to the White House roughly 200 times in less than two years, but they also show days in which Gannon is listed as arriving but not leaving and leaving but not arriving. Our inbox is full of hopeful speculation: Was Gannon somebody's overnight guest at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.?

It's not impossible, we suppose, but we'll assume, until we see some evidence to the contrary, that the Secret Service just did a bad job of keeping track of who was coming and going at the White House. That's not exactly a comforting thought, either -- especially given Gannon's rather tawdry background -- and a group of internet sleuths calling themselves ePluribus Media have just raised a whole new set of questions about the matter. They've compared the Secret Service "access control" records with video clips of White House press briefings, and they say they've found five tapes that show Gannon at briefings inside the White House on days that the Secret Service says he wasn't there at all. The group asks: Did the Secret Service screw up that much on its own, or did someone at the White House figure out a way to help Gannon get in without appearing on the Secret Service logs?

Meanwhile, Conyers and Slaughter are asking some questions of their own. When Scott McClellan was pressed on Gannon's access back in February, he said: "Well, let me explain a few things. First, as the press secretary, I don't think it's the role of the press secretary to get into picking or choosing who gets press credentials. Also, I don't think it's the role of the Press Secretary to get into being a media critic, and I think there are very good reasons for that. I've never inserted myself into the process." But according to Conyers and Slaughter, the Secret Service documents show that McClellan's media assistant, Lois Cassano, requested 48 of the day passes Gannon used to get into the White House. In a letter they sent to McClellan this week, Conyers and Slaughter ask whether he'd like to "revise" his claim about not getting involved in the process.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Up, up, and ...

eh.

This makes me less than enthused:



Just...something doesn't seem right about it. And no one can ever really fill Chris Reeve's boots. Still. I shall remain cautiously optimistic.

Tell me again how they support the troops

From the LA Times:

POW's Claims Against New Iraq Government Rejected
By David G. Savage
Times Staff Writer

9:53 AM PDT, April 25, 2005

WASHINGTON — U.S. pilots and soldiers who were taken prisoner and tortured by the Iraqis during the Persian Gulf War of 1991 lost their legal battle to hold Iraq liable today, as the Supreme Court turned away their final appeal.

The justices heeded the advice of the Bush administration and let stand an appeals court ruling that threw out a nearly $1-billion verdict won by the Gulf War POWs two years ago.

The court's refusal to hear the case spares the administration from having to go before the Supreme Court to argue against American POWS who were tortured.

The 17 ex-POWs had sued Iraq and the regime of Saddam Hussein under the terms of a 1996 antiterrorism law that opened the courthouse door to claims from Americans who had been injured or tortured at the hands of "state sponsors of terror."

Their story was little known because the Persian Gulf War was witnessed by most Americans as a TV spectacular in which U.S. forces pounded and destroyed Iraq's army in just a few weeks.

But during that time, the POWs said they were beaten and had their bones broken by their Iraqi captors. Several of the men nearly starved in the weeks they were held in cold, filthy cells, including at the Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad.

By the time the ex-POWs had won their claim in court, the United States had invaded Iraq and toppled the Saddam Hussein regime. And to the surprise of the former U.S. prisoners, the Bush administration went to court seeking to nullify the award they had won.

The government's lawyers argued that Iraq, now under American occupation, was no longer a "state sponsor of terror." Moreover, President Bush had canceled the sanctions against Iraq and moved to shield its $1.7 billion in frozen assets. This money was needed to rebuild the nation, Bush said.

The U.S. Court of Appeals in Washington agreed with the administration last year and ruled that "weighty foreign policy interests" called for dismissing the lawsuit brought by the Gulf War POWs.

The former prisoners' last hope had rested with the Supreme Court. In their appeal, they argued that U.S. law and the Geneva Convention forbid the torture of war prisoners and prohibit nations from absolving perpetrators of torture of their legal liability.

"Our country does not have a good record for holding nations accountable for how they have treated American captives," Col. Clifford Acree, the lead plaintiff, said recently.

He was shot down over Iraq on Jan. 18, 1991, the second day of the Gulf War. He was injured when he ejected from his jet. He was blindfold and beaten by the Iraqis until he lost consciousness.

"What message do we send for the future?" he asked in a recent news briefing, if the POWs' lawsuit is dismissed by the courts.

The ex-POWS had won the support of a bipartisan group of lawmakers, including Sens. George Allen (R-Va.), Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) and Patty Murray (D-Wash.). They filed a friend-of-the-court brief urging the justices to restore the verdict won by the ex-POWs.

But last month, Bush administration lawyers urged the court to dismiss the case. They said "the Presidential Determination (by Bush that canceled the sanctions) reflects a most profound shift in the (government's) foreign policy toward Iraq — from viewing it as an enemy to a state subject to our protection."

In a one-line order today, the high court turned down the appeal in Acree vs. Iraq and the United States.

"The court's decision is unfortunate. (It) sends the wrong message to those who would torture or kill Americans," said Paul Kamenar, counsel for the Washington Legal Foundation, which filed the brief for the lawmakers on behalf of the ex-POWS.

While the judge who heard the case had awarded the POWs damages that totaled nearly $1 billion, their lawyers had told government officials they would have settled the claim for a small fraction of that amount. But the lawyers said administration officials refused to discuss a settlement.

Today's dismissal ends the lawsuit with no money for the plaintiffs

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Jew Stuff

Heading back to MA this weekend for the big Jew Days of spring.

So, let me just wish everyone peace and happiness and good times this Passover!

Chag Samach! Have a great Seder this Pesach.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

She speaks the truth!

"There should not be so much concentration of power just in the presidency, there needs to be an independent media... "

- Condoleezza Rice, April 20th, 2005

Of course, she was speaking about Russia. And the dangers of Putin becoming too powerful. But still, I think it holds pretty true anywhere. Ahem. If I believed in irony anymore, I would point out some sort of hypocrisy, I suppose...

Leonard Pinth-Garnell presents: Bad SNL

I was talking with someone about this on Sunday, but Bill Simmons nicely sums up my feelings on the Tom Brady hosted episode of SNL:

THUMBS UP: For the great Tom Brady, who gamely hosted SNL on Saturday night and didn't do half-bad.

THUMBS DOWN: For the actual show, which could have been the worst SNL episode since the Janeane Garofalo Era. You know it's a crummy season when they can't even win with Tom Brady.

It's hard to determine what's the worst part about SNL these days -- the lack of star power, the lack of comedy, or Tina Fey and Amy Poehler giggling their way through Weekend Update like two teenagers who just did a round of Whip-Its -- but it's almost impossible to believe what's happened to this show since Will Ferrell left. I know SNL has always been cyclical (good for a couple of years, bad for a year or two, then good again), but the weird thing about this season is that they have some talented people in the cast (Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kenan Thompson, even Fred Armisen). The biggest thing they're missing is a No. 1 starter (like Will Ferrell or Phil Hartman); there isn't one person on this cast who could ever headline his or her own movie someday. Still, the show shouldn't be this egregiously bad. Even 20 years ago with the Short-Guest-Crystal cast, the show was taking more chances than it does now (especially with taped pieces). How does that make sense? This never, never would have happened if Lorne Michaels was still alive.


I couldn't agree more...I thought Brady did a great job with terrible material. The writers really let him down, and it was sad to see so many cast members phoning it in while Brady was giving it his all (looking at you, Horatio Sanz, who couldn't even get through "Tom Brady's Falafel City" without flubbing lines, cracking himself up and derailing the sketch, unintentionally making Brady look like an improv master). Robert Smigel's "sexual harassment" video was the one saving grace, but it's too bad that my hometown sports hero didn't have the type of writers who worked on the show when such sports stars as Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, or Wayne Gretzky hosted. If only they had more cowbell...

4/20

Happy Four Twenty. For those of you who are into that sort of thing.

Pope pori

Hm. So they went with the former Nazi* as the new Pope.





Wouldn't have been my first choice, I guess...but bold move on the Conclave's part.

*I know, I know. He was forced into it. Still, you can take the boy out of the Hitler Youth....

Monday, April 18, 2005

But seriously, folks...

If you read this stupid thing and wanna see me perform some sketch comedy, then come on out to Stand-Up NY tomorrow night. Just call 212.595.0850 to make a reservation and tell them you plan on seeing To Be Determined.




I promise to be funny.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Shameless Plug

Funny thing about serendipity...

I'll get back to that. But first:

Come see me perform SKETCH COMEDY!!




Call and make reservations, tell them you want to see To Be Determined. We could use the love and support.

Hm? Why are we called To Be Determined?

Ah, yes. Funny story. Serendipity. See, the offer for me to do sketch comedy at Stand-Up NY came up rather suddenly...I've done lots of sketch, but my main sketch group, thank gladys, was pretty much stuck in Boston and my new group - the Riot Act - was still in its infancy. But I didn't want to miss this opportunity, so I gladly accepted the generous offer and figured one way or another, I'd have a sketch group ready to go with some A-list sketches for the 19th. But I didn't have a name. So I said that I'd get back to them and just put us down as "To Be Determined."

Gathering the awesome talents of Ms. Mary Faber and Mssr. Adam Bloom - combining some of their sketches with the gladys skethes of me, Ross, and Danny - we were ready for action. And since it was a one-time gig, I figured we could just pick a goofy name and that would be that. And when I called back to give 'em our name - I found that, lo and behold, we already had one. To Be Determined. Presto. So, there yo have it. The sketch comedy stylings of To Be Determined. Don't blame me. Blame serendipity.

Come watch us on April 19th. Show starts at 9pm. Be there.

More later on the Riot Act...it's gonna be huge.

And, as promised, PIE!!!


Thursday, April 14, 2005

Enthusiastic endorsement

It's tax season. And for the second year in a row, I've used TaxSlayer to file my taxes on-line. It's fast, easy, and efficient. And best of all, they really support the Troops - if you're in the military, it's absolutely free. They already had my personal info on file from last year (so I didn't have to re-type everything) and they have easy to use sections where you can fill in your tax info on whatever form you need. It's all there and easy to navigate. I just typed in my info from my W-2s, plugged in my deductions, punched in all the misc. stuff, and TaxSlayer does all the rest, calcuating everything pretty nicely.

As a precaution, I had calculated my taxes the ol' fashioned way last week, so when TaxSlayer's results matched up with my own hand-written results, I clicked on a few more buttons, printed out a copy for my records, and submitted my taxes on-line. Within 48 hours, I had received confirmation from both the state and federal agencies that my taxes had been accepted and now I anxiously await my pretty generous refunds. THANK YOU, TAXSLAYER!

Why am I sharing all this boring tax information? Because I believe in Karma. And if an unprovoked endorsement of an on-line tax service that made my life easier helps keep my tax mojo in good harmony with the universe, then so be it.

Next up, more pie!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

We can rebuild it

I know what I want for my birthday.



Dedicated Superman film enthusiasts have long carried a torch for the never-before-seen, partially-filmed Richard Donner version of Superman II.

The hope was to recut the film to make it feel more like Donner's "Superman The Movie." Before work could seriously begin, the extended TV broadcasts needed to be acquired to include some of those great Donner moments that didn't make it into the theatrical cut.


Rolling up their sleeves, they took matters into their own hands.

So with the support of fans and friends from around the globe, the fan edit was put aside, and the business of restoring the entire film began. It took about 2 years to acquire the footage, and make it watchable, but the results were less than satisfying. The word once again went out for extended broadcasts, and both Bill Williams and Jonathan Hoyle answered the call. The choice wasn't easy, but after a lot of scrutiny, Bill's footage was the actual source chosen to improve RIC. But special thanks to Jonathan for sending his original master as well.
It's been said many times, this film will never win any quality awards. The footage supplied came from home recordings. So anyone expecting amazing detail and clarity will be sorely disappointed. But if you've seen any version of the extended broadcasts, you'll probably appreciate the way it's presented here. Great care has been taken to make the film as watchable as possible, no commercials, no subtitles, no station ID's. Thanks to the generous help of a very talented individual, even the audio got a polishing as well.


Features on the special 2-Disc set include:

- The complete two hour, twenty-six minute version of the film.
- On-screen commentary track, detailing what footage Donner shot, and other RIC trivia.
- Long out of print documentary "The Making of Superman II."
- Long out of print "Superman II Soundtrack."
- "Lost Scene Gallery" featuring pictures of Donner's unreleased work on Superman II.
- "Restoration Demonstration" showing before and after footage examples.
- Complete RIC artwork folder. All the artwork, from the cover to the disc art, it's all included in TIFF file format.


This latest fan film project not only serves as a plea for an official Richard Donner-cut version of the Superman II movie, it also represents the ongoing evolution of how technology has changed our popular culture. Not content with the theatrical release of a movie, motivated fans can now actually re-cut movies to better fit their own idealized visions. Using production notes, existing footage, digitial editing equipment, and some clever technical know-how, would-be film-makers can create their own director's cuts of films. Or, they can take the raw footage and re-edit an entirely new movie. Dedicated fans can apply updated SFX to beloved-yet-outdated sci-fi flicks. In short, what George Lucas has done to Star Wars, any fan (with the right equipment and knowledge) can now do to the movie of their choosing.

We've already moved beyond simply burning copies of cult classics onto DVRs; we are now in the future, where pre-existing movies become the fodder for an endless array of new and unique fan fiction. It's the new do-it-yourself cinema. Movies just the way you like it. And if you don't like it...well, you can just fix that, too, with a few keystrokes.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Always the last to know...

So...Britney announced she's pregnant. Wow. I hadn't heard anything about this for the past three months! Thanks for the breaking news.

I would make a pithy comment here about not caring, but I did just post about Britney Spears...so, really, let's just call the whole thing a wash.

Curse my devotion to pop culture...

Digits

Witnessed on the Subway this morning:

An attractive, raven-haired young lady dressed in black sits quietly in the furthest corner of the last car of the A Train, staring sorrowfully at her feet and generally avoiding eye contact of any kind.

A young lad with a buzz cut and a leather jacket rises from his seat, looking as if he has just stepped out of a Frat House. Preparing to get off at his next stop, he suddenly deviates from his course. His arm darts out, awkwardly reaching across several straphangers, a sweaty, crushed piece of paper in his hand. I can only presume his number is scribbled on it.

Raven-haired beauty continues to avoid eye contact, intently inspecting her shoes. The Frat boy's arm becomes annoyed as he punches the air three times, aggressively vying for her silent attention. She tenses, straining her neck to avoid even appearing to look in his direction. Finally, desperately, he throws the scrap paper at her; it angrily lands in her lap, eliciting an almost disgusted "tsk" from her. The shields have been breached, the defenses broken, and his smudged digits lay crumpled in her lap.

Brakes squeal. The doors open. Frat boy bounds off, into destiny. The scrap of paper remains, the only tangible proof that he had ever even been present on the train. The doors close. The station melts away into the darkness of NYC's underground tunnels. Her eyes lock onto the piece of paper. Suddenly, she looks up and our eyes meet. I have witnessed the entire incident. Her eyes scan my face for a reaction, perhaps even guidance. I shrug, bemused. This seems to satisfy her, and she reluctantly wraps her slender fingers around the paper, stuffing it into her bag.

Brakes squeal again. The doors open and I am at my stop. I brush past the straphangers and step off the train, into the rest of my day. As the doors close behind me, I glance back to catch a glimpse of the raven-haired lady mournfully staring once more at nothing. And then, in a hiss of metal, she is gone.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Oyfkumen

The lizards who run the world are awake. And they hate when the Yankees lose.

Mass Marketing

I was born and raised in Massachusetts. Grew up in Chelmsford; performed on the stage from Gloucester to Sudbury; went to Brandeis in Waltham; lived in Newton; sailed the Merrimack; worked and played in Lowell; stood on Lexington Green; taken a dip in Walden Pond; spent many a college night of debauchery out in Western Mass; seen many a Pats' game in Foxboro; lounged on the beaches of the Cape; walked the eerie streets of Salem; churned butter at Plymouth Plantation; told jokes from atop Fanueil Hall; saw Tiny Tim get married at Spooky World back when it was in Berlin; experienced heartbreak and victory at Fenway ... and more. Much more. I think I know Massachusetts.

So it was a little disappointing to witness my home state's latest ad campaign spotlighting "normal" people mechanically repeating the line "This is my Massachusetts" over bland and emotionless stock footage of what is supposed to be highlights of the great commonwealth.

Okay. You guys ain't DeNiro, this ain't an American Express commercial, and Massachusetts ain't New York. The half-hearted attempt to promote the wonders of Mass by mimicking credit card ads promoting New York City just comes off as desperate and lame. Massachusetts is home to the World Champion Boston Red Sox and the World Champion New England Patriots, making it possibly the best sports town around right now. It's the home of the American Revolution and home to the "cradle of American liberty," where the famous "shot heard 'round the world" was fired. It's the birth place of Jack Kerouac and John F. Kennedy, the breeding ground for some of the best comics who ever picked up a mike, the home to the dirty water of the River Charles. The Hub of the Universe. Somehow, fuzzy camera work showing blurred lights, some lady shopping somewhere, and a random girl riding on a generic merry-go-round doesn't quite convey the majesty of Massachusetts.


In my humble opinion, of course...which is wicked pissah.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sweeping the clouds away

Note to self:

It's possible to love being on the roof too much.

Little sunburned. Ouch.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Spring forward

We officially opened up the roof deck today. About 60 degrees in Brooklyn, with a blazing bright sun shining and a cool, gentle breeze blowing across the rooftops.

Popped open a Sam Adams and sat on the roof, listening to the WEEI broadcast of the Red Sox on-line on my laptop, and smoked a Dominican stogie to officially usher in Spring. Heaven.

I have less than $300 in the bank right now, I have bills that need paying and taxes that need doing and I couldn't be happier. Well, maybe if the Sox had won today, but just being able to listen to the WEEI broadcast in Brooklyn is enough for me. I'm not greedy. And there I sat, blissfully soaking up the perfect day on top of my Brooklyn roof, content.

When I was but a toddler, I can remember driving around the front yard on my Big Wheels as my Zadie sat smoking a cigar on the front lawn, a static-y Red Sox game crackling over a tiny transistor radio and a big fat smile on his face, as the sun slowly dipped in the sky. Those days are eternally etched in my memory and remind me why I love Spring so much. Sometimes, it's the simplest things that bring me the most joy and those little moments that put everything in perspective for me. I'm off to go grill up some steaks and enjoy those little moments now.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Wedding blues

Prince Charles was supposed to marry Camilla Parker Bowles today, but 'twas delayed...for obvious reasons.

And when you look at the history of Charles' longtime love affair with Ms. Bowles, one really has to wonder if their love is just doomed. As if people didn't hate Charles and Camilla enough, Princess Di's spectacularly tragic death cemented Charles' bad luck as Di obtained de facto sainthood. And then, after years and years of living in sin, Charles finally tries to make an honest woman outta Camille...and the longest-serving (and most popular) Pope of the 20th Century dies.

Some Princes just can't catch a break. But just when I'm about to feel an ounce of pity for ol' Prince Chuck, I remember that he's a Prince. And I get over it. I'm pretty sure that's probably how he feels, too.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Career choices?

Who chooses a career based on spam mail? Seriously. Has spam proven in any way successful for companies? Or is it just a way for them to annoyingly ingrain their company names in people's psyches...? Or perhaps its intent is far more sinister, merely trying to fool me into thinking I have mail, only to shatter my hopes and dreams on this fine Thursday morning with its taunting promises of a career in the culinary arts.

Por ejemplo:

From : Culinary Careers
Sent : Thursday, April 7, 2005 3:26 AM
Subject : World-Class Culinary Training






Why, yes, I have dreamt about becoming a talented chef and opening up my own restaurant. And it took this email to show me that...!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Springtime for Tito

Spring seems to have finally arrived. And as a flirtatious blanket of warmth begins to wrap itself around the streets of NYC, I can't help but have a spring in my step and a goofy smile on my face for no discernible reason. Spring. Short skirts, sunglasses, and baseball.

Speaking of which, this latest news from boston.com has me a little bummed:


Francona taken to hospital after chest tightness

By Boston.com Staff April 6, 2005

NEW YORK -- Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona has
been taken to a New York City hospital after
complaining of tightness in his chest.


A team spokesman said Francona, 45, was taken to
Cornell Medical Center for "precautionary reasons." He
will miss today's game between the Red Sox and
Yankees. Bench coach Brad Mills will serve as interim
manager.

Sox general manager Theo Epstein said he was taken to
the hospital by ambulance around 9:30 a.m. for what he
called "precautionary testing." Francona was
accompanied to the hospital by Sox trainer Jim Rowe.

We'll have more details as they become available.


All right, boys. With your backs against the wall and the Bombers looking to settle a grudge, you gotta go out there today and keep your heads in the game and your eyes on the prize. You gotta show 'em that you got heart and soul. You gotta show 'em that last year was no fluke and that when you're down in the dirt, you got nowhere to go but up.

You gotta go out there today and win one for Tito.

UPDATE:

Well done, boys.

Final Score, after a spectacular 9th-inning rally against Rivera (and an A-Rod boot for a double-play-blowing error):

Red Sox - 7
Yankees - 3

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Acting Patriotic

So, Congress is finally taking a close look at the Patriot Act - something that they apparently didn't do 3 and 1/2 years ago, but I digress ...

The biggest concern is that the Patriot Act may not actually be helping fight terrorism. Oh, sure it greatly increases the powers of the government and places some tight restrictions on civil liberties in order to maintain security, but some would argue that while the Patriot Act has limited certain freedoms, it hasn't come through on that important second part: increasing security. And what good is reducing freedom if you're not increasing security? Cutting through the jingoism and the soundbytes, it's a good idea to actually examine programs, laws, and tools. I mean, that's the standard we've implemented for students, doesn't our national security deserve the same scrutiny? I mean, if we're really serious about finding the most effective ways to combat terrorism. The only time I'm ever nervous about test results is if I think I have a chance of failing the test. Which is how AG Gonzales appears right now. Why would he want to fight for something if it's proven to be an ineffective tool in the War on Terrorism? I mean, unless the intent was never to increase security and really fight terrorism. Again, I digress.

From the MSNBC article:

In a political environment long on hyperbole and short on empirical evidence, this week’s hearings will be a chance for proponents of the Patriot Act to offer proof that it works and for the law’s opponents to offer specific instances of it being used to violate constitutional rights.

The hearings will be an opportunity for Gonzales "to put some color, some interesting stories, to the statistics," said Viet Dinh, who served as assistant attorney general in the Bush administration until last summer and had a central role in writing the Patriot Act.


I'm guessing that "color" will be brown-ish...

Monday, April 04, 2005

The Enemy Within

I have never liked David Wells. His bulky frame, his beer gut, and gruff attitude always struck me as being like every bullying redneck jock I hated in high school. But here's my real problem with David Wells playing for the Red Sox:

The Red Sox can't have an ex-Yankee playing on the team and expect to win against the Yankees.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Yankees are like the Marines. Once a Yankee, always a Yankee. Semper Fi. Wells playing for the Sox is like some sort of Manchurian Candidate plot by the Yankees, only when Wells sees pinstripes, he falls under the command of George Steinbrenner.

Didn't the Sox learn anything with the Mendoza fiasco? Remember Game 3 of last year's ALCS? At a crucial moment of the game, Mendoza balked. The floodgates opened and the Yankees masacred us. Last night, what does Wells do? He balks. The Sox cannot take ex-Yankees and expect them to win against the Bronx Bombers. Once a Yankee, always a Yankee.

On the plus side, reading Thomas Boswell's absurd Oct. 17th, 2004 post-game review of last year's Game 3 cheered me up.

"No team in baseball history has come back from such a postseason deficit. These Red Sox won't be the first to do such a deed, not after the way their own boneheaded blunders perfectly complemented the 22-hit Yankees slugging in this rout."


Ah. Except the Red Sox did go on to become the first- and so far, only - team in history to come back from such a postseason deficit. And, at least, Red Sox Nation will always have that. I just wish we didn't have David Wells.