"This isn't even the
WORST movie we've
ever made."



I had two immediate thoughts upon seeing trailers for the upcoming movie "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry."


1. Ugh.

2. Why didn't I think of this? I totally could've written this.


Don't look at me like that. It beats getting a real job.

Someone, please read my spec scripts and hire me! Please...

NY POST-er boy

Don't mean to brag, but I just happen to be quoted AGAIN in the NY Post. I'm becoming something of a subject matter expert 'round these parts, no?

No, probably not. But still.

Pick up a copy of the NY Post. Turn to pages 77-78.

Enjoy the hilarity of true stories of NYC catcalls.

Here's my li'l contribution. It's one of the reasons I love the NYC subways.

* And That's Just What They'll Tell Their Grandchildren, Too

A crowded F train pulls into the West Fourth Street stop, and a very attractive woman in a business suit steps in. Immediately, she catches the attention of a young gentleman who looks like Snoop Dogg and sounds like Busta. He cries out, "Damn, your booty fine!" and then proceeds to expound upon this thought, unleashing a veritable tidal wave of nonstop street poetry, describing every last detail of how fine her body was and just what he would do to it, given the chance. For five stops. Finally, at York Street, she casually rises, puts a finger to his lips and hushes him, slips her number into his hand and remarks, "You had me at, 'Damn, your booty fine.'" And with that, she disappears into the cool, Brooklyn night air. I like to think they're married now.

- Benari Poulten, 29, Manhattan

Thanks again, Mandy!

double post fun

Yeah. That's right. I posted the same exact thing elsewhere.

It's a zillion degrees out today. This is what you get.


What a predicament. Dick Cheney, the Vice President of the United States, has declared that he is actually a part of the legislative branch (despite what Article II of the United States Constitution says) and therefore exempt from having to comply with an executive order (which President Bush updated 4 years ago) to safeguard classified documents and turn them over to the National Archives.

And yet, the classified documents his office is hiding just might offer history its most important and illuminating glimpse into the inner workings of this administration.

And while I support Representative Rahm Emmanuel's move to cut the VP's executive branch funding, it still doesn't address just HOW to wrest the records from his icy cold grip.

If only the Congress could come up with some kind of plan that they know the Vice President already agrees with.

If only the government ran some kind of...secret, warrantless wiretapping program. Where the merest suspicion of wrongdoing could lead to a complete and thorough review of all materials, documents, and/or records...

Either that, or dispatch a Jack Bauer-like agent to "persuade" him to turn over the records. That always works.

Hey, since you've read this far, swing by The tank tonight at 8PM if you're in the neighborhood. And you haven't melted into the sidewalk.

I guess we have different definitions

When I think of "Power Couples," I think of such legendary romantic team-ups like:

Bogie & Bacall.
Bill & Hillary.
Beyonce & Jay-Z.
Johnson & Johnson.

But according to this "Yahoo Headline" report from LiveScience.com, I guess power couples aren't all that...powerful?

More than half of all "power couples," in which both spouses are college graduates, live in large metropolitan areas. Researchers have long assumed the couples migrate to the cities.

"...'power couples,' in which both spouses are college graduates..."


A college graduate? Really? That's all it takes to be part of a power couple? For real?

Hm.

Because I'm a college graduate. Twice over, actually. And, um...it's not all that filled with power.

But perhaps some lucky lady out there - one with a sparkly college degree - can change all that.

Ladies?

It's been a busy day for the High Court

Supreme Court tells US Taxpayers: "You can't tell the government what to do with YOUR money!"

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that ordinary taxpayers cannot challenge a White House initiative that helps religious charities get a share of federal money.

High Court rules that organizations with lots of money can say whatever they want...

...but students can't!

"every other day of the week is fine..."

Mondays. Argh.

Stumbled upon this little nugget of internet fun and I thought I would share, because that's the kind of guy I am. Or "yam," in this case:

Popeye vs. Hulk

Charming and stylish, it's a pretty complete tale of triumph and defeat, love and lust, power and pride. And then, after a lengthy, origin-style set-up, it's lots of fighty-time goodness.



I particularly like M. Rasheed's cartoonish slickness. The evocative expressions of the titular sailor man exude a joyful energy and his Sal Buscema-esque Hulk reminds me of just how much I adored the Mantlo-Buscema era of the Incredible Hulk.

The comic perhaps goes on a bit too long, Olive Oyl comes off a little - ahem - flat, and I'm not crazy about phrases like: "...the sailor's weird reality-altering powers...." And I can't say I totally agree with the ending, but it does wrap up neatly and it's definitely worth a read.

If this were a story from the Mantlo-Buscema run, it would have ended with the Hulk beating Popeye, but Olive rejecting him ayway, standing by her man and tending to her wounded sailor. Confused, the Hulk would amble off into the cold night air, wondering what he did wrong, thinking sadly to himself, "Maybe Hulk doesn't want to be left alone, after all..."

An important message from Kevin Church

Because we like to drink.

I like crazy girls

I always kind of knew I liked crazy chicks, but I had no idea that my ideal superhero gal would be CAH-RAZY.




Aurora and Black Canary are my runner-ups, I guess.

Via Patrick.

Is J from C the Beyonder?

Anyone watching HBO's new series, John From Cincinnati?

I get the whole "John from Cincinnati could possibly equal the Big JC" thing, but as a comic book geek, I couldn't have been the only one who thought he might also resemble a certain someone else from Beyond.

Does

equal

?

If all the surfers end up fighting some kind of secret war on a battle planet, we'll know for sure.

It's been a long time...

Yeah, so.

To everyone that hasn't heard from me in weeks:

I was at Ft. Meade in Maryland. Getting up to speed on all the latest and greatest in military propag...er, Public Affairs.

I have a lot of catching up to do. Too much to comment on regarding the past three weeks, so le's just start fresh, shall we?

Item #1: Show tomorrow night at the Tank.

Item #2: Actual conversation regarding my future as a dramatic writer:

Mom: You don't really want to be Arthur Miller, do you?

Me: No. I want to be Stan Lee!

There you have it, true believers! Regular content will now resume.

Excelsior!

radio silence

Doing Army stuff. That's where I've been. I'd say more, but...you know the rest.

So, in lieu of content, here's photographic evidence of me rocking out the 'Roke at Sam's wedding, courtesy of Tim.

INSTANT CLASSIC - tonight!

THIS WEEK:

DJ HAZARD!

OPHIRA EISENBERG!

SUSAN PREKEL!

MAX SILVESTRI!

Special guest appearance by Michael Mattera!

You should see it. It will be funny.

LOL MINT ;(

To completely KILL the meme dead, the latest geek news in LOLZ form:



(and check out Kevin's LOLTREK for more meme-killing goodness)

Giuliani Trades Growl for Smile, Frightens Children

"The sunlight, it burns! Hssssss!"

Memorial Day 07

To those who have served and to those who continue to serve.

We cherish too, the Poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led,
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies.

-Moina Michael

Wolfowitz ironically blames Media

Not enough Jews running the bank OR the media, apparently.

Wolfowitz blames media for resignation

Departing World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz in a radio interview broadcast Monday blamed an overheated atmosphere at the bank and in the media for forcing him to resign.

Wolfowitz, who has announced he will step down June 30, denied suggestions that his decision to leave was influenced by an apparent lack of support from the bank's employees.

"I think it tells us more about the media than about the bank and I'll leave it at that," he told the British Broadcasting Corp.

STAR WARS is 30 years old today

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."


30 years ago today, STAR WARS hit the big screen.

I would argue that no other movie has had as great an impact on a culture.

To honor the event, I present to you my all-time favorite PSA, starring C-3PO and R2-D2. There is more pathos and character development in this 60 second Public Service Announcement than in the entirety of the prequels.

Fun tidbits:

Just what was C-3PO working on when he realizes R2 is missing?

In the very first Gottlieb & Oddsson sketch we ever wrote - one of our most famous thank gladys sketches - I stole the line "Gottlieb, you're on fire!" from this very PSA. Now it can be told!

I think the end of this ad is kind of poignant.

Also, I can't prove this, but I'm pretty sure this PSA is the reason why I never smoked cigarettes.





"R2, do you really think I don't have a heart?"

Fight for my amusement, Geeks!

What was the first rule of Fight Club again...?

From USA TODAY:

Fight club draws techies for bloody underground beatdowns

MENLO PARK, Calif. (AP) — They may sport love handles and Ivy League degrees, but every two weeks some Silicon Valley techies turn into vicious street brawlers in a real-life, underground fight club.

Kicking, punching and swinging every household object imaginable — from frying pans and tennis rackets to pillowcases stuffed with soda cans — they beat each other mercilessly in a garage in this bedroom community south of San Francisco.

Then, bloodied and bruised, they limp back to their desks in the morning.

"When you get beat down enough, it becomes a very un-macho thing," said Shiyin Siou, 34, a Santa Clara software engineer and three-year veteran of the clandestine fights. "But I don't need this to prove I'm macho — I'm macho enough as it is."

Inspired by the 1999 film Fight Club, starring Brad Pitt and Ed Norton, underground bare-knuckle brawling clubs have sprung up across the country as a way for desk jockeys and disgruntled youths to vent their frustrations and prove themselves.

"This is as close as you can get to a real fight, even though I've never been in one," the soft-spoken Siou said.

Despite his reserved demeanor, he daydreams about inflicting pain on an attacker. "I have fantasies about it," he said.

Gee, that quote doesn't sound like it was taken out of context at all.

Let's skip down the article a bit.

Whoops! Looks like someone just broke the first rule of Fight Club:

Gints Klimanis, a 37-year-old software engineer and martial arts instructor, started the invitation-only "Gentlemen's Fight Club" in Menlo Park in 2000 after his no-holds-barred sessions with a training partner grew to more than a dozen people. Most participants are men working in the high-tech industry.

Oh Gints. If that is your real name. Why, Gints? Why would you start a Fight Club?

"You get to be a superhero for a night," Klimanis said. "We have to go to work every day. We're constantly told to buy things we don't need, and just for a couple hours we have the freedom to do what we want to do."

Ah, yes. The money shot of quotes. Now the reporter can tie in adolescent power fantasies and take the opportunity to bash comic books, cartoons, board games, role playing games, video games, make-believe...pretty much anything that gives kids joy.

Men involved in fight clubs often carry bottled-up violent impulses learned in childhood from video games, cartoons and movies, said Michael Messner, a University of Southern California sociology and gender studies professor.

"Boys have these warrior fantasies picked up from popular culture, and schools sort of force that out of them," he said. In these fantasies, "The good guys always resort to violence, and they always get the glory and the women."

Nice. Yeah, children LEARN violence from movies and TV. And video games. I'm sure they could never learn anything about violence by LOOKING AT THE WORLD AROUND THEM. Because we live in a peaceful utopia. Free from violent impulses.

Kids in no way pick up warrior fantasies from something like, say, A GLOBAL WAR ON TERRORISM.

Note to Michael Messner: you are a jackass. Pop culture is generally used as an OUTLET. Y'know, a safe alternative way to explore human beings' INHERENT violent and sexual tendencies. It's a reflection of culture. Sometimes a dark reflection, but a reflection, nonetheless. But please, keep perpetuating the myth that "make-believe" is bad. Kids are violent because of video games. Right. Jackass.

The other disturbing thing about this article is how it kind of mocks these guys for being geeks. Like, look at these computer nerds trying to act like real men. Once again, geeks can't win. I say, if they want fight each other in some underground, clandestine club, let them.

Let the geeks fight!

Until, of course, someone gets really hurt. Then it's totally not cool...

POST, NY

Heyoooo! I have arrived. I have mocked a celebrity in print. In the New York Post.

Go out and grab a copy, turn to page 43 and you can see my devastatingly hilarious quip about Paris Hilton reading the Bible.

Or click here and enjoy it online. You'll see a picture of Paris in the little TV bubble on the right. Click the "next" button twice to see my quote - it's a pull quote!

What the heck. Here's the article for your reading entertainment:

MISSIONARY POSITIONS

By MANDY STADTMILLER

May 24, 2007 -- OMG, the Bible is totally hard!

Yes, one can imagine these delightful little words appearing in a delightful little thought bubble above Paris Hilton's delightful little head as she aches and strains to understand why that super-skank Eve would act like such a complete and utter bitch at the dawn of time!

And that snake? I mean, what. Is he hot? Is he not hot?

Will her brain actually explode?

Don't fret, Paris. We've enlisted the mental power of an Ark's worth (see the book of Genesis - no, not "Lamb Lies Down," but nice reference, sweetie!) of scholarly, well-read New York stand-up comedians to help you quickly understand your new favorite must-read.

Oh, don't you know? Paris Hilton, who is heading to jail on June 5 for violating probation, was spotted earlier this week carrying both the New Age Oprah-endorsed "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and a thick, totally-not-showing-off-at-all copy of the Holy Bible (wonder if she found it in a Hilton Express?).

Read away, girlfriend - just think of this as a CliffsNotes version of the Good Book put together especially for you!

"As Moses learned in the Old Testament, sometimes a Burning Bush can be the voice of God. So be nicer to Lindsay Lohan."
- Alex Blagg

"Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Bible.

'Putyourbodonme' is how babies are made. Be careful, honey."
- Michelle Collins

"Just like the story of Jonah, God is punishing Paris. Only difference is that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and Paris just swallows ... Heyo!"
- Nick Kroll

"And God created the earth in seven days and on the seventh day, while he rested, he created the miracle of Valtrex."
- Colette Hawley

"Rich fool. Luke 12:15-21. That's enough; even Paris can understand that."
- Caroline Waxler

"The Bible teaches us that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him to fish, then he eats for a lifetime. The lesson here is: When the inmates ask you for a cigarette, it is best to teach her to roll her own. And if that doesn't work, buy Big Shirley a car."
- Jackie Clarke

"When the Lord is a drinking buddy, you don't have to worry about getting stopped by the cops."
- Chuck Nice

"I think, considering Paris Hilton's history of behavior, she should read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in prison. If nothing else, it will provide her with a lot of great party tips for her welcome home celebration."
- Todd Levin

" 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.' Matthew 7:12. Good to keep in mind for those steamy prisonshowers!"
- Molly Reisner

"I think God was really directing this Revelation verse at you, Paris: 'Let the wicked still act wickedly, and the filthy still be filthy.' It seems clear to me that her existence signifies the end of the world."
- Lang Fisher

"A lesson for Paris. You can find a Bible in every hotel room, but nobody wants to keep it . . . Remind her of anyone?"
- Allison Castillo

"Tell her: Learn to read."
- Eric Andre

Thanks Mandy!

These are the jokes - 3rd week of May

According to financial records released Tuesday, Dick Cheney has assets valued at 21 million to 100 million dollars. And that’s just for his robot parts.

While speaking on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf, Vice President Dick Cheney warned that the US was prepared to use its naval power to keep Iran from disrupting oil routes or "gaining nuclear weapons." He added, “Not while I’m aboard, of course.”

The New York Police Department is deploying 10 Segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and in parks. Because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of criminals like a cop on a scooter.