Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Not enough Jews running the bank OR the media, apparently.
Wolfowitz blames media for resignation
Departing World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz in a radio interview broadcast Monday blamed an overheated atmosphere at the bank and in the media for forcing him to resign.
Wolfowitz, who has announced he will step down June 30, denied suggestions that his decision to leave was influenced by an apparent lack of support from the bank's employees.
"I think it tells us more about the media than about the bank and I'll leave it at that," he told the British Broadcasting Corp.
Friday, May 25, 2007
"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."
30 years ago today, STAR WARS hit the big screen.
I would argue that no other movie has had as great an impact on a culture.
To honor the event, I present to you my all-time favorite PSA, starring C-3PO and R2-D2. There is more pathos and character development in this 60 second Public Service Announcement than in the entirety of the prequels.
Just what was C-3PO working on when he realizes R2 is missing?
In the very first Gottlieb & Oddsson sketch we ever wrote - one of our most famous thank gladys sketches - I stole the line "Gottlieb, you're on fire!" from this very PSA. Now it can be told!
I think the end of this ad is kind of poignant.
Also, I can't prove this, but I'm pretty sure this PSA is the reason why I never smoked cigarettes.
"R2, do you really think I don't have a heart?"
What was the first rule of Fight Club again...?
From USA TODAY:
Fight club draws techies for bloody underground beatdowns
MENLO PARK, Calif. (AP) — They may sport love handles and Ivy League degrees, but every two weeks some Silicon Valley techies turn into vicious street brawlers in a real-life, underground fight club.
Kicking, punching and swinging every household object imaginable — from frying pans and tennis rackets to pillowcases stuffed with soda cans — they beat each other mercilessly in a garage in this bedroom community south of San Francisco.
Then, bloodied and bruised, they limp back to their desks in the morning.
"When you get beat down enough, it becomes a very un-macho thing," said Shiyin Siou, 34, a Santa Clara software engineer and three-year veteran of the clandestine fights. "But I don't need this to prove I'm macho — I'm macho enough as it is."
Inspired by the 1999 film Fight Club, starring Brad Pitt and Ed Norton, underground bare-knuckle brawling clubs have sprung up across the country as a way for desk jockeys and disgruntled youths to vent their frustrations and prove themselves.
"This is as close as you can get to a real fight, even though I've never been in one," the soft-spoken Siou said.
Despite his reserved demeanor, he daydreams about inflicting pain on an attacker. "I have fantasies about it," he said.
Gee, that quote doesn't sound like it was taken out of context at all.
Let's skip down the article a bit.
Whoops! Looks like someone just broke the first rule of Fight Club:
Gints Klimanis, a 37-year-old software engineer and martial arts instructor, started the invitation-only "Gentlemen's Fight Club" in Menlo Park in 2000 after his no-holds-barred sessions with a training partner grew to more than a dozen people. Most participants are men working in the high-tech industry.
Oh Gints. If that is your real name. Why, Gints? Why would you start a Fight Club?
"You get to be a superhero for a night," Klimanis said. "We have to go to work every day. We're constantly told to buy things we don't need, and just for a couple hours we have the freedom to do what we want to do."
Ah, yes. The money shot of quotes. Now the reporter can tie in adolescent power fantasies and take the opportunity to bash comic books, cartoons, board games, role playing games, video games, make-believe...pretty much anything that gives kids joy.
Men involved in fight clubs often carry bottled-up violent impulses learned in childhood from video games, cartoons and movies, said Michael Messner, a University of Southern California sociology and gender studies professor.
"Boys have these warrior fantasies picked up from popular culture, and schools sort of force that out of them," he said. In these fantasies, "The good guys always resort to violence, and they always get the glory and the women."
Nice. Yeah, children LEARN violence from movies and TV. And video games. I'm sure they could never learn anything about violence by LOOKING AT THE WORLD AROUND THEM. Because we live in a peaceful utopia. Free from violent impulses.
Kids in no way pick up warrior fantasies from something like, say, A GLOBAL WAR ON TERRORISM.
Note to Michael Messner: you are a jackass. Pop culture is generally used as an OUTLET. Y'know, a safe alternative way to explore human beings' INHERENT violent and sexual tendencies. It's a reflection of culture. Sometimes a dark reflection, but a reflection, nonetheless. But please, keep perpetuating the myth that "make-believe" is bad. Kids are violent because of video games. Right. Jackass.
The other disturbing thing about this article is how it kind of mocks these guys for being geeks. Like, look at these computer nerds trying to act like real men. Once again, geeks can't win. I say, if they want fight each other in some underground, clandestine club, let them.
Let the geeks fight!
Until, of course, someone gets really hurt. Then it's totally not cool...
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Heyoooo! I have arrived. I have mocked a celebrity in print. In the New York Post.
Go out and grab a copy, turn to page 43 and you can see my devastatingly hilarious quip about Paris Hilton reading the Bible.
Or click here and enjoy it online. You'll see a picture of Paris in the little TV bubble on the right. Click the "next" button twice to see my quote - it's a pull quote!
What the heck. Here's the article for your reading entertainment:
By MANDY STADTMILLER
May 24, 2007 -- OMG, the Bible is totally hard!
Yes, one can imagine these delightful little words appearing in a delightful little thought bubble above Paris Hilton's delightful little head as she aches and strains to understand why that super-skank Eve would act like such a complete and utter bitch at the dawn of time!
And that snake? I mean, what. Is he hot? Is he not hot?
Will her brain actually explode?
Don't fret, Paris. We've enlisted the mental power of an Ark's worth (see the book of Genesis - no, not "Lamb Lies Down," but nice reference, sweetie!) of scholarly, well-read New York stand-up comedians to help you quickly understand your new favorite must-read.
Oh, don't you know? Paris Hilton, who is heading to jail on June 5 for violating probation, was spotted earlier this week carrying both the New Age Oprah-endorsed "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and a thick, totally-not-showing-off-at-all copy of the Holy Bible (wonder if she found it in a Hilton Express?).
Read away, girlfriend - just think of this as a CliffsNotes version of the Good Book put together especially for you!
"As Moses learned in the Old Testament, sometimes a Burning Bush can be the voice of God. So be nicer to Lindsay Lohan."
- Alex Blagg
"Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Bible.
'Putyourbodonme' is how babies are made. Be careful, honey."
- Michelle Collins
"Just like the story of Jonah, God is punishing Paris. Only difference is that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and Paris just swallows ... Heyo!"
- Nick Kroll
"And God created the earth in seven days and on the seventh day, while he rested, he created the miracle of Valtrex."
- Colette Hawley
"Rich fool. Luke 12:15-21. That's enough; even Paris can understand that."
- Caroline Waxler
"The Bible teaches us that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him to fish, then he eats for a lifetime. The lesson here is: When the inmates ask you for a cigarette, it is best to teach her to roll her own. And if that doesn't work, buy Big Shirley a car."
- Jackie Clarke
"When the Lord is a drinking buddy, you don't have to worry about getting stopped by the cops."
- Chuck Nice
"I think, considering Paris Hilton's history of behavior, she should read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in prison. If nothing else, it will provide her with a lot of great party tips for her welcome home celebration."
- Todd Levin
" 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.' Matthew 7:12. Good to keep in mind for those steamy prisonshowers!"
- Molly Reisner
"I think God was really directing this Revelation verse at you, Paris: 'Let the wicked still act wickedly, and the filthy still be filthy.' It seems clear to me that her existence signifies the end of the world."
- Lang Fisher
"A lesson for Paris. You can find a Bible in every hotel room, but nobody wants to keep it . . . Remind her of anyone?"
- Allison Castillo
"Tell her: Learn to read."
- Eric Andre
Monday, May 21, 2007
According to financial records released Tuesday, Dick Cheney has assets valued at 21 million to 100 million dollars. And that’s just for his robot parts.
While speaking on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf, Vice President Dick Cheney warned that the US was prepared to use its naval power to keep Iran from disrupting oil routes or "gaining nuclear weapons." He added, “Not while I’m aboard, of course.”
The New York Police Department is deploying 10 Segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and in parks. Because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of criminals like a cop on a scooter.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
From the AP:
WEDNESDAY, May 16 (HealthDay News) -- Short people and tall people can receive serious injuries from air bags, a new study found.
"This is the first time that there is proof to substantiate the concern about small-stature occupants, and it is the first time that there has been any implication that tall people are also at risk," said lead researcher Dr. Craig Newgard, an assistant professor of emergency medicine and public health and preventive medicine Oregon Health & Science University.
I particularly like that researchers have long thought air bags posed a serious risk to short people, but no one cared...until it also threatened tall people!
Not the tall people! We must protect the tall people!
Here's my FAVORITE part of the article, though:
Newgard and co-author John McConnell collected data on 67,284 drivers and front-seat passengers involved in car crashes. They found that while air bags were effective for people of medium height -- from 5 feet 3 inches tall to 5 feet 11 inches tall -- they were actually harmful to people shorter than 4 feet 11 inches tall and those more than 6 feet 3 inches tall. Body weight was not a factor in injury rates.
medium height - from 5 feet 3 inches to 5 feet 11...
I am 5'4" (don't mean to brag)...
You might be saying, 5'3"-5'11" is pretty wide spectrum. And it is. But that doesn't matter because science says I am of medium height! Thanks, science!
Of course, some tall people are crying foul and want even more research done:
One expert said he wasn't sure that the study findings were conclusive, especially when it comes to tall people.
For starters, the study didn't include separate data for new air bags, said Toben Nelson, an assistant professor of epidemiology at the University of Minnesota School of Public Health. "There should be enough data to look at revised air bag design to see if that has made a difference," he said.
Nelson also questioned the findings on air bags and tall people. "Maybe it's an artifact of not having many people of taller stature to see significant findings," he said. "Most of the evidence has been about kids and shorter individuals. There needs to be more evidence on tall people."
That's right. Tall people demand more evidence! Nothing in this world should be unsafe for tall people!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
And now, a word from me:
Hello people I know. Long time. Listen:
Comedian James Patterson and I have started a new comedy show.
Because that's EXACTLY what New York City needs right now.
And we'd like you to join us for our very first show ever. Tonight.
Oh, you need more details?
The Tank @ C:U
279 Church Street
(between Franklin & White)
I mean, not only will you get to see the charmingly witty Benari Poulten (that's me!) and James Patterson (that's him!) but we'll also throw in:
The Amazing Allison Castillo!
The Incredible Tom McCaffrey!
The Fantastic Dan Newbower!
And the Spectacular Baron Vaughn!
Folks, there aren't enough exclamation points in the world to convey just how hilarious these comics are.
Plus, lots of cheap booze.
So come on out and see the new comedy show from the guy ranked #35 on Mo Diggs' Top 40 Blogs By and For Comedians!
Also, comics can get in free.
Please spread the word! Thanks.
I love you all.
Monday, May 14, 2007
And it shall be an INSTANT CLASSIC.
At the The Tank @ C:U!
279 Church Street! NYC!
Only 5 bucks. And lots of cheap booze. And LOLz. And whatever else it is you kids say. Hosted by ME! And James Patterson. But mostly by me.
That is a lot of hilarity on one show. For only 5 bucks. You know you want to go.
But don't just do it for me. Do it for Doggie Princess Leia.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Dude, you should have called your mom by now.
Here's a little added Silver Age comic book goodness for ya, from Superman's Girl Friend, Lois Lane #59, 1965:
And you thought you had issues.
Click here for a full run-down of the entire wack-a-doo story.
Bowing to wide-spread criticism, Hamas on Wednesday canceled its children's show "Tomorrow's Pioneers," which featured a Mickey Mouse-type character named Farfur that preached hate for America and Israel. Other characters would have included the lovably short-tempered Jihad Duck and the wacky suicide-bomber dog Kablooey.
NASA astronomers Monday reported the biggest and brightest star explosion ever recorded….when Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days of jail! SNAP!
The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville, Kentucky said he asked OJ Simpson to leave his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby because he is sickened by the attention Simpson still attracts. And because he’s a murderer.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Aspen Loses Comedy Arts Festival
The U.S. Comedy Arts Festival, sometimes referred to as the Aspen Comedy Festival, won't be in Aspen next year.
The HBO-produced festival will move on after 13 years because it is getting too expensive to hold the star-studded even in Aspen and the number of available hotel rooms is shrinking.
"The fact that a lot of the hotels in Aspen are turning into condos, the St. Regis being one of them, space is limited and its incredibly expensive," an HBO employee told the Aspen Daily News. "Many of the properties also require four- or five-day stays, which is difficult and expensive, too."
The newspaper quoted a source that said HBO was looking at Santa Barbara, Calif., as a possibly replacement for Aspen.