420

Diary of a bad set.

When you're doing comedy, sometimes you have those nights where everything just clicks. The audience is electric, everyone's having fun, you're on fire, and the funny is just rolling off your tongue like champagne from a fountain.


Last night was not one of those nights.

At least, not for me.

And it lasted 22 minutes and 13 agonizing seconds.


Now, let me also state that overall, it was a great show and big props to Kyria and Newbs who both had great 20-25 minute sets and were a real treat to watch. And to Baron, who did his usual stellar hosting job.

As for me...

I went up first.

Right from the get-go, the crowd was not into me. No problem, I think. Plenty of time. Plenty of time. I'll win 'em over!

I start by being conversational, don't wanna just jump right into the usual routine....build a repoire with these people.

I fail at building a repoire. Okay. no problem. Let's jump into some tried and true bits, warm 'em up some more. Bam! Nothing. Do not panic.

About three minutes in, right on a dying punchline, a Chinese delivery guy mistakenly opens the door behind me to deliver food, but he's got the wrong address.

Biggest laugh of my set.

I riff on that for a minute and get some laughs. Finally, the break I need. I'm winning them over.

Nope. I was wrong. They still are not into me. They just thought the Chinese Food guy was funny.

No problem, time to step it up. I throw some political humor at them...aaaand boy, that wasn't the right call. A few chuckles, some nods of approval. But nothing I would say resembling "laughter." No worries. I can still win 'em over.

I step up my energy. I'm not backing down. I do a bit on Shaquille O'Neill. Kazzaaaaaam! A little bit of a response. Not the stellar breakthrough I was hoping for. I'M NOT WINNING THEM OVER!!!

Wow. By minute 10 I've lost my energy and by minute 15, I'm just treading water with them. I've already thrown two solid, closing bits at them (that I can usually count on for big laughs) and all I've gotten in response is general apathy. Not even hatred...they're just waiting for the next comic at this point. I've derailed, they smell blood in the water, and I've just walked into a rookie trap. I let 'em see me sweat. Dammit. I'm shaken like a Martini and there's no recovery. I look like an open miker at this point. The audience has made their decision and they just don't dig me.

At least I can leave them on a high note. The Shark Attack bit. It's a no-fail, guaranteed strong punchline to end things. At least I have that.

Here's the set-up, the pitch -


....

Someone chukles awkwardly in the back...and it's a comic. We all know why they're chuckling. I've just bombed for over 20 minutes. And now on with the rest of the show...

Which went phenomonally well. The next comic gets up and almost immediately starts getting bigger laughs than anything I've gotten. She's really hitting the mark. By the final comic, everyone in the audience is having a great time.

The final capper for me was not just tanking. No. In the middle of the show, an older woman leaves, and as she makes her way out, she exchanges some friendly words with Baron and shakes another comic's hand. She then specifically avoids making eye contact with me as she brushes past me like a wraith.

"Who was that?" I casually ask Baron.

"Oh, she's a college booking agent."

Not only did I chomp my dick so hard I can taste it, but I just blew an unknown opportunity! Two-for-one.


I hate being that comic, the one that had the bad set on a great show. The one everyone has to tip-toe around and either make lame excuses or simply change the subject about the evening's performance. The one that gets that look of pity and embarrasment when spoken to after the show.

Last night, I was that comic. And it sucks.

It wasn't even the worst set I've ever had or the most epic time I've bombed. It was just a plain, ordinary, bad set. And somehow, that's the worst kind of all.

As comics, we live and die from set to set, and until the next one, I get to run over in my head every mistake I made; every misstep; every poor choice; every failed, desperate attempt to win over that audience.

And the next time I have a set that crushes, I will mail each and every person that was there last night an autographed copy of the tape.

Sorry for the self-indulgence. But c'mon. This is a blog!

Catch me next week at Galapagos and Sweet Paprika! Let's see if I bounce back!

Snatch'd

I'm a bit behind on my weekly quote. This one comes from the 2000 film Snatch.

Written and directed by Guy Ritchie.

Sorry 'bout the language.

"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."

-Brick Top Polford
(Alan Ford)

plugs! plugs! plugs!

Here's what's happening for me in the next few weeks:

TOMORROW NIGHT!!

April 19th. A free show! AND I'll be doing a longer set...25 minutes! This show could be fantastic or a train wreck. Either way, it'll be entertaining. I'm joined by Dan Newbower and Kyria Abrahams. Come see the funny:

Wednesday, April 19th @ 8PM
Comedy is for Humans
Mundial
505 East 12th Street at Ave. A * NYC

For those willing to travel to Brooklyn next week:

Tuesday, April 25th @ 10PM
BCCo
Galapagos
70 N 6th Street * Williamsburg * Brooklyn, NY

April 28th will be a fun show. Definitely try to make this one. It's Friday. And it's a 10:30 pm show followed by a birthday party at the D-Lounge. Comedy! Cake! Cosmos (for the ladies)! Much drinking and revelry. Great line-up and a great way to end the week.

Friday, April 28th @ 10:30PM
Sweet Paprika
The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street * Union Square East * Basement * NYC

If you can make it out to any of these shows, I'd love to see you there.

This concludes the self-promotion portion of this week's blog entry.

It's been a long time

Some quick news items of note:

Rumsfeld Not Considering Resigning.

He's also not considering a long-term strategy for Iraq.

Moussaoui Mocks Psychologist's Testimony.

Everyone's a comedian.

Also, I think reality has officially jumped the shark when a terrorist is making "Best Week Ever" quips and pop culture references at his damn trial!

Tom Cruise wonders why people didn't realize he was "only joking" when he made crazy comment.

When I ranted and raved on the Today show? THAT time, I was serious. And when I went nutso on Oprah? Serious. And when I flipped out over South Park? Totally serious. But when I said I was going to eat the placenta when Katie gives birth to our kid? Just kidding!

But I'm still batshit crazy.

Record oil prices have us over a $70 barrel.

But tax cuts affect the economy, not record high oil prices!

"Economists warn that supercharged energy prices could rekindle inflation across the economy and restrain free-spending consumers."

Oh.

Well. So I pay a little more at the pump. Who cares if I drive my giant, gas-guzzling Hummer? It's not like I'm helping the terrorists!

"The tension has some economic benefit for Iran: Every $5 a barrel increase in the price of oil means another $100 million a week in revenues for Iran, Yergin said."

Oh.

So, I guess if you drive a gas-guzzling SUV, you're an asshole.

But that's really old news.

Also, Red Sox fans:

I'm now contributing to Away team, a NY-based blog for wandering Sox fans. Check it out.

passed over

Here's to a plucky Passover, a Good Friday, and an Excellent Easter!*

*And yes. I refrained from making the terrible pun "Eggs-ellent" there.

You're welcome.

Vanished from Siberia

There was a place.

Behind an unmarked door,'neath the electric glow of a red bulb.

Called Siberia.

Wherein, on Tuesday nights, down in the seedy depths of the punk-hipster bar, society's ne'er-do-wells and would-be comic hustlers would rattle off acerbic barbs, wax poetic on societal taboos, and lament the decline of Western Culture.

'Twas a donkey-punch of a comedy show.

Bo no longer. Banished to Siberia is no more.

The door remains unmarked, the red bulb flickers with electric tears, and the metal stairs lead to dank nothingness.

In memorium, let's remember the good times. Specifically, my set from last year's special extravaganza show:

It's cold in Siberia.

Does your conscience bother you? Tell me true.

I know there's a whole bunch of other things leading back to the WH, but this one is kind of apropos. Since it's, you know, exactly like Watergate.

I emphasized a few key points.

Phone-Jamming Records Point to White House
By LARRY MARGASAK, Associated Press Writer

Key figures in a phone-jamming scheme designed to keep New Hampshire Democrats from voting in 2002 had regular contact with the White House and Republican Party as the plan was unfolding, phone records introduced in criminal court show.

The records show that Bush campaign operative James Tobin, who recently was convicted in the case, made two dozen calls to the White House within a three-day period around Election Day 2002 — as the phone jamming operation was finalized, carried out and then abruptly shut down.

The national Republican Party, which paid millions in legal bills to defend Tobin, says the contacts involved routine election business and that it was "preposterous" to suggest the calls involved phone jamming.

The Justice Department has secured three convictions in the case but hasn't accused any White House or national Republican officials of wrongdoing, nor made any allegations suggesting party officials outside New Hampshire were involved. The phone records of calls to the White House were exhibits in Tobin's trial but prosecutors did not make them part of their case.

Democrats plan to ask a federal judge Tuesday to order GOP and White House officials to answer questions about the phone jamming in a civil lawsuit alleging voter fraud.

Repeated hang-up calls that jammed telephone lines at a Democratic get-out-the-vote center occurred in a Senate race in which Republican John Sununu defeated Democrat Jeanne Shaheen, 51 percent to 46 percent, on Nov. 5, 2002.

Besides the conviction of Tobin, the Republicans' New England regional director, prosecutors negotiated two plea bargains: one with a New Hampshire Republican Party official and another with the owner of a telemarketing firm involved in the scheme. The owner of the subcontractor firm whose employees made the hang-up calls is under indictment.

The phone records show that most calls to the White House were from Tobin, who became President Bush's presidential campaign chairman for the New England region in 2004.

Because if Democrats vote in a free, democratic election, the terrorists will win.

quote from across the Eighth Dimension

From The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

Written by Earl Mac Rauch.

"No matter where you go, there you are."

-Buckaroo Banzai
(Peter Weller)

everyone loves a winner

That's right, bitches. Look who got the $10,000 prize t-shirt.

In no small part thanks to Tom Shillue's absurd debating skills.

Fact in the Head was a blast - if you've never seen the show, check them out EVERY Thursday night at 10PM at their new home in The Tank at Collective: Unconscious, 279 Church St., NYC.

Thanks to Jamie, Ophira, Tom, and Michelle...and lovely assistant Thistle, for a smokin' hot time in the old town last night.

Also, I can't believe I choked on the sparkler-timed challenge. To be fair, fire is pretty and I was totally transfixed by the sparkler. And I still won. Kether.

Thanks for playing. Bitches.

Um, this is a big deal, right?

Papers: Cheney Aide Says Bush OK'd Leak

By PETE YOST, Associated Press Writer 23 minutes ago

Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide told prosecutors President Bush authorized the leak of sensitive intelligence information about Iraq, according to court papers filed by prosecutors in the CIA leak case.

Before his indictment, I. Lewis Libby testified to the grand jury investigating the CIA leak that Cheney told him to pass on information and that it was Bush who authorized the disclosure, the court papers say. According to the documents, the authorization led to the July 8, 2003, conversation between Libby and New York Times reporter Judith Miller.

There was no indication in the filing that either Bush or Cheney authorized Libby to disclose Valerie Plame's CIA identity.

But the disclosure in documents filed Wednesday means that the president and the vice president put Libby in play as a secret provider of information to reporters about prewar intelligence on Iraq.

The authorization came as the Bush administration faced mounting criticism about its failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the main reason the president and his aides had given for justifying the invasion of Iraq.

Libby's participation in a critical conversation with Miller on July 8, 2003 "occurred only after the vice president advised defendant that the president specifically had authorized defendant to disclose certain information in the National Intelligence Estimate," the papers by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald stated. The filing did not specify the "certain information."

"Defendant testified that the circumstances of his conversation with reporter Miller — getting approval from the president through the vice president to discuss material that would be classified but for that approval — were unique in his recollection," the papers added.

FACT IN THE HEAD

TONIGHT! 10PM!



I will be joining the insanity as a CONTESTANT on tonight's show. 10PM.

FACT IN THE HEAD.

See you there.

Justice Delay-ed

DeLay Announces Resignation From House

WASHINGTON - Succumbing to scandal, former Majority Leader Tom DeLay said Tuesday he is resigning from Congress in the face of a tough re-election race, closing out a career that blended unflinching conservatism with a bare-knuckled political style.

By "unflinching conservatism" we mean "hypocrisy, corruption, and greed," and by "bare-knuckled political style" we mean "malicious personal vendettas at the taxpayers' expense."

"The voters of the 22nd District of Texas deserve a campaign about the vital national issues that they care most about and that affect their lives every day, and not a campaign focused solely as a referendum on me," DeLay said in a statement.

Right. His re-election camaign shouldn't be about him. Becuase an incumbant Congressman who's spent years abusing the system shouldn't force voters to judge him or the affect he's had on national policy. Perhaps he confused his campaign with American Idol.

DeLay reflected Republican concerns that the GOP could lose the seat in November, saying his love and loyalty to the party played a role in his decision and adding, "I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative, personal campaign."

Classic. "I refuse to open myself up to sweeping negative, personal attacks by making a sweeping negative, personal attack!"

He's still got it!

24 Question for the Geeks

In the excellent and ridiculously addictive Fox series 24, the current Vice President is named Hal Gardner.

Coincidence?














On a less obvious note, President Charles Logan?

And how about that airline food...?

Uh oh.

Look out, comics. A whole new world of airline jokes just opened up for us! Time to dust off those rusty ol' airplane bits and begin a whole new golden age of hackery!

Airlines to Begin Charging for Amenities

By LESLIE MILLER, Associated Press Writer

Ask for a pillow and blanket to help get through a long flight and you may be out of luck. Or you may be able to buy a "comfort package" from Air Canada for $2. Like to check your luggage curbside? That could cost up to $3 a bag.

Airlines are starting to charge for many services that once were free — such as assigned seating, paper tickets and blankets. Air travelers who don't fly often may be in for some unpleasant surprises when they reach the airport this summer.

"They're going to be confused and they're going to be somewhat upset," said Kevin Mitchell, president of the Business Travelers Coalition. "Is it going to stop them from flying? No."

Intense competition from low-fare airlines along with high jet-fuel prices have led many established carriers to cut back or charge passengers for amenities.

Many airlines no longer serve meals on flights, instead charging for snack boxes and sandwiches.

Sharon Ansara, a government supervisor from El Paso, Texas, flew an American Airlines flight from Dallas to Washington Monday morning.

"We didn't even get peanuts," she said after the 2-1/2 hour flight. "They offered us a snack pack for $4. It stinks."

American spokesman Tim Wagner said that passengers have made it clear that their first priority in buying an airline ticket is price. The company offers a la carte services — such as snack packs — for those willing to pay for them.

[hack]
What's next? "Thanks for paying $439 for this one-way ticket between New Jersey and Ohio. Oh, you want to sit down during the flight? In a seat? That'll be $27. Per minute."

"Hey, folks! I just flew in from Miami and boy is my wallet empty!"

[/hack]

Thus concludes our test of the hack comedy broadcast. Had this been real hack stand-up comedy, the above material would have been immediately followed by a roaringly hilarious rant on why men leave the toilet seat up. And then a Jack Nicholson impersonation.

spring into action

And just like that, it's baseball season again.


In this post-Red-Sox-winning-the-world-series-world, Opening Day seems just a little bit more optimistic, a little bit more hopeful, a little bit like anything's possible.

A year ago today, I was waiting to hear if I even got into grad school. I was temping(!) as a mail clerk(!?) in the package delivery bay (wtf?!) of New York's Channel 13 - wassup BAY 3! Make some noize!! Today, I'm a month away from finishing my first year of grad school. And I'm 50-thousand-more dollars in debt (holy sh!t! wtf?! omg!! rotflmaolol!!!! ;-) ...

which I suppose is progress.

quote soup

Ah, Groucho.

There are plenty of concise, pithy Groucho one-liners, but one o' my favorites comes from the 1933 satirical farce Duck Soup.

By the Marx Brothers.

Story by Bert Kalmar and Harry Ruby.

Additional dialogue by Arthur Sheekman and Nat Perrin.

The absurdity of the run-up to war distilled to its essence by Groucho:

I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia in peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino, and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't. A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a forgein ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of me in front of all my people? Think of it - I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept. Why, the cheap ball-pushing swine, he'll never get away with it I tell you, he'll never get away with it!
(Trentino enters)
So, you refuse to shake hands with me, eh?
(slaps Trentino with his glove)

-Rufus T. Firefly
(Groucho Marx)

scAtterBrain

Check out Tim's new comedy CD!

Some of the smartest, funniest, most honest comedy you'll hear, this CD exemplifies what it is that Tim does best: make people laugh. And, to make it extra-special , Tim takes you behind the laughs in a terrifyingly brutal bonus track, where, in unedited real time, you can hear exactly what it's like when a comic tanks at a hell gig.

Buy it now.

Sweet Home Kentucky?

Can anyone explain to me why KFC (Kentucky fried Chicken) is using the song "Sweet Home Alabama" in their commercials as their new theme song?

Isn't there a Kentucky song they could use?

Maybe KFC just hates Neal Young and totally loves racist governors.

We all did what we could do.

Not quite sure why I get these updates...

...but I do.

Here's the latest update from Jackie Kane Parham, who occasionally leaves comments for me on random, unrelated posts.

Alfred Parham is just now going to Court, thanks to this situation, Alfred Parham has been caught. The Court date is set for March 23, 2006. Alfred Parham left me with Rent Bills (the military should have paid for). Moreover, I worked as a Confidential Secretary at DSU and discovered lies from when we were dating as Undergraduates and when we were married, i.e., Mailing Address.
Jackie Kane Parham | 03.22.06 - 11:56 am | #

Thanks for the update, I guess!

Chef's eulogy

Today's brilliant quote of the day comes, not from film, but from last week's episode of South Park, written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

"A lot of us... don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. I'm going to remember Chef as the Jolly old guy who broke into song. I'm going to remember Chef as the guy who gave us advice to live by. So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that fruity, little club for scrambling his brains..."

-Kyle
(Matt Stone)

covered

Swung by Rocketship tonight during their Comic Jam, where folks all jam on a blank, 9-panel page - each drawing one panel - to create a unique page of collaborative art. Even picked up a pen and contributed a few panels m'self.

Swing by Rocketship NOW and see all the pretty pictures for yourself!

Speaking of pretty pictures...

Inspired by Mike's recent post, and Kevin's Genius Cover Sundays, here are a few of my favorite comic book covers from over the years. In no particular order and in no way complete.

All scans taken from the Grand Comic Book Database.

----------------






Gorgeous Neal Adams cover and a great "Paul is Dead" reference.

I spent years tracking down this comic book. It remains one of my most treasured comics in my collection.












Classy.

I love the charm and stylish simplicity of this fantastic John Buscema cover.












Gee. That Frank Miller sure does know how to draw.

I love the almost animalistic, feral-looking Peter Parker and the anguished ghost-Spidey in the background. Striking and expressive, it's just a beautiful cover.










I don't think it gets more iconic than this.

I can hear the slow, deliberate opening strains of John Williams' classic theme song when I look at this stunning Fred Ray cover. Awesome.











An obvious choice, this cover perfectly captures the essence of Steranko's brilliance. The Dali riff, the sense of dread, the menacing shadow men, the definitive cool of Nick Fury, even on the run; it's the madness that only comic books can give you.

Grant Morrison weeps at this cover.









Swamp Thing. Arkham Asylum.

The Joker in one of the barred windows?!

Moody and creepy, it demands to be read! Just an outstanding Stephen Bissette cover.










'Nuff Said.

2 great tastes, fool

New comic book starring Mr. T?

Check.

Ridiculously kickass cover by comics legend Jim Steranko?



Check.


Steranko plus Mr. T = crazy delicious. Fool.



image taken from Newsarama

don't mess with Cartman

Last night's South Park was nearly perfect in its satire - the creepiness, brainwshing, and ineffectual threats of the "Super Adventure Club" coupled with the loving eulogy to Chef at the end made for the best response to Isaac Hayes' abrupt departure and Tom Cruise's Scientological hissy fit last week.

And it's good to note that if you get into a pissing contest with Matt Stone and Trey Parker, they'll just turn you and your group into pedophiles.

But here's the really weird thing from today's NY POST:

March 23, 2006 -- ISAAC Hayes may not have quit "South Park" at all - or at least not willingly. Turns out Hayes has been away from Comedy Central's hit show for the past three months because he had a stroke. According to foxnews.com, he's at home recuperating and did not issue the press release which said he was quitting because the show made fun of his faith. That release was put out by fellow Scientologist Christina "Kumi" Kimball, a fashion executive for designer Craig Taylor. According to foxnews.com, "Hayes loves 'South Park' and needs it for income. He has a new wife and a baby on the way."

whatwhatWHAT?

Wow. If this is true - and I hope it is so we can all go on loving Isaac Hayes - then Scientology is even creepier than we thought.

What does Tom Cruise have to say to that?

"Don't touch my thetan! I'm crazy! Yibbidy dabbidy doo!"

kicked off

Say it ain't so!

While Ross is bumming out over The Red Sox losing Arroyo, I am far more saddened by this startling news:

By agreeing in principle to a deal with Adam Vinatieri on Tuesday, Indy swiped one of the top players from its old nemesis, New England, and also may have added the final piece to its elusive Super Bowl puzzle.

Vinatieri, who twice hit winning kicks in the Super Bowl for the Patriots, replaces former Pro Bowl kicker Mike Vanderjagt -- the league's most accurate kicker who also badly missed a 46-yarder that would have forced overtime against eventual Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh in January.

The deal was announced on the team's Web site, though terms weren't immediately available. Messages left with the Patriots and agents for Vinatieri by The Associated Press weren't immediately returned.

And to the COLTS no less!

Vinatieri drove a football 45 yards through a blinding blizzard to secure his place in the hearts of all Pats fans and hopefully, earned himself a spot in the Hall of Fame. I'm gonna miss watching him defy the odds.

And to me, that snow bowl kick will always define what I loved about the Super Bowl winning 2001-2002 Patriots.

people.

Some dude pissed himself on the subway today.

Just standing there, clutching a bag, pissed his pants.

And no one said anything.


Just pointing out that we live in a world where random dudes piss themselves in public and everyone just sort of accepts it. Like, "Yeah, that happens."


Public transportation would be a great idea...if we didn't have to share it with the public.

Quote of Darkness

Rarely does the theatrical cut of a movie exceed the director's cut - after all, the director's cut is what the director INTENDED, the cut of the movie they REALLY wanted to make. But every so often, the movie benefits from having some additional creative input.

Such is the case with Army of Darkness, the third film in the Evil Dead series.

Written by Sam and Ivan Raimi.

I could cite any number of reasons why I prefer the theatrical cut of this movie over Sam Raimi's director's cut, but it all boils down to this: the theatrical release contains my favorite quote. I don't know why an inferior line was used for the director's cut (when the rest of the scene is the same), but there you have it.

Hm? Oh. The line. That's easy. It's right after Ash shoots his evil counterpart in the face.

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

-Ash
(Bruce Campbell)

Great line. In the director's cut, after Evil Ash mocks him for being a "goody-little-two-shoes," Ash still shoots him, but instead quips: "I ain't that good." Eh. Not quite the same.

A side note: apparently, before the studio decided that it should stand on its own, apart from the first two Evil Dead installments, Raimi originally intended Army of Darkness to have a far more clever title:

Medieval Dead.

Heh. That's a groovy title, baby. Groovy.

sometimes it's just too easy

So, the wires today are reporting this:

Bush: US must resist temptation to quit Iraq

President George W. Bush on Saturday urged Americans to resist a temptation to retreat from Iraq but Democrats pressed him to offer a plan for drawing down U.S. troops and warned Iraq was moving closer to a civil war.

On the eve of the third anniversary of the launch of the war, Bush acknowledged setbacks and the prospect of more bloodshed in Iraq, where bodies are piling up amid waves of sectarian violence.

If I ran the media, I'd sum it up in one simple headline:

Bush to Iraq: "I wish I could quit you."

MI:III - The One Nobody Will See

'taint the Jews that run Hollywood no more, no siree, by gum.

It's them dern Scientologists.

Tom Cruise stopped Comedy Central from airing an episode of 'South Park' that mocks him - by threatening to refuse to promote 'Mission Impossible 3'. The now infamous episode of the cartoon 'Trapped in the Closet' pokes fun at the actor's Scientology beliefs and shows the actor trapped inside a closet.

The show, which was first aired last November, was set to be repeated on Wednesday night on Paramount cable channel Comedy Central. Paramount, owned by US media giant Viacom, is the studio behind the latest 'Mission Impossible' sequel.

However, the show was removed from the schedule at the last minute because Cruise reportedly went to Viacom executives demanding the episode be pulled otherwise he would "boycott" all promotion for 'MI3'.

Company representatives deny the actor was behind the cancellation, insisting the episode was replaced to honor Isaac Hayes - who announced last week has was quitting voicing the character of Chef. Scientologist Hayes resigned from the series, created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, after complaining it encouraged people to ridicule religions.

A Viacom spokesperson said: "In light of the events of earlier this week, we wanted to give Chef an appropriate tribute by airing two episodes he is most known for."

So, um, who else ISN'T gonna see the new Mission: Impossible?



"Yibbidy dabbidy I'm crazy! Love my thetan! I'm trapped in a closet with Xenu!!!"

They're really taking to this democracy thing

To highlight the irony, please allow me to absurdly quote Axl Rose:

"What's so civil about war, anyway?"

So, Iraq is poised on the "brink of civil war."

Which I think is fantastic.

We're using America as the ideal model of democracy, and it took us 85 YEARS before we had a Civil War. The Iraqis are already there. They are on the fast track to Democracy, my friends!

The Man from MARVEL

One more reason why he can be called Stan "the Man" Lee.

If the reports are true, this video could be one of the coolest clips ever. Stan Lee. Kibbitzing with a possible former CIA assassin.

I'm putting this in my Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD pitch to Marvel.

Thanks for the link, Rich.

today's brilliant quote

Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me.

-Elwood P. Dowd
(Jimmy Stewart)

Harvey

Screenplay by: Mary Chase and Oscar Brodney, Myles Connolly (uncredited)

Adapted from the play by Mary Chase.

Buddha, Mind, and Soul

I wonder if you can meditate so hard you can make yourself invisible:

Nepali police began hunting on Saturday for a teenaged boy who some people believe is an reincarnation of Buddha after he disappeared from the site where he had been meditating for almost 10 months.

Fifteen-year-old Ram Bahadur Bamjon has not been seen since early Saturday, said Hari Krishna Khatiwada, a district official of Bara, 150 km (95 miles) southeast of Kathmandu.

The boy had been meditating there without food or water since May. Some of his followers are also missing.

"So far we have found no trace of them," Khatiwada said.

Sitting cross-legged beneath a "pipal" tree, which is sacred to Hindus, Bomjon drew more than 100,000 people to the dense forests in southeastern Nepal.

But visitors were only allowed to see him from 50 metres (165 feet) away and the boy was hidden from public view at night behind a curtain drawn by his followers.

I wonder if Monster.com has a job opening for something like this. Being the new Buddha sounds awesome!

To wit:

he had been meditating for almost 10 months.

Months. Just sitting around, thinking. I can do that.

I'm good, how are you?

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone involved in last night's super fun good time show at the Tank. A great audience, a great show, a great time.

'nuff said.

good news for Sox fans

The Red Sox are looking pretty hot in this year's World Baseball Classic.

From the wires:

Adam Stern, a young backup outfielder for the Boston Red Sox, hit an inside-the-park homer, drove in four runs and made two sensational catches in center to lead Canada over the United States 8-6 Wednesday in the World Baseball Classic.

Jason Varitek's 448-foot grand slam helped bring the United States back from an 8-0 deficit, but a Canadian team made up largely of minor leaguers held on.

David Ortiz and Adrian Beltre each homered twice, leading the Dominican Republic to an 11–5 victory over Venezuela on Tuesday in the opening game of the World Baseball Classic’s Pool D.

With a tight score at 6-5, Ortiz hit it out in the ninth with Miguel Tejada on base to give his team a breather. Later Beltré his another two run home run, to further bury Venezuela.

Who needs Johnny Damon? *sniff*

This could be the year...again.

My new favorite SPAM name

I love when spammers generate wonky names, hoping to fake me out and get me to open up their spam. And sometimes, I truly admire the end result of their efforts.

From my spam box today, my new favorite Spam Name:

Mr Damion Funk

It is perfect unto itself. It sounds like a member of The Invisibles.

Nice and smooth.

All My Friends are in ASPEN

Well, not all of them.

But a lot of them.

Best of luck to all the funny guys and gals I know who got lucky this year!

And that's all it is, ya hear me? Luck! Ya just got lucky!

Lucky bastards.

*grumble*grumble*grumble*scurvyspider*grumble*grumble*

PS: I AM NOT JEALOUS.

I'm petty. There's a difference.

googling for geeks

It's funny how many hits my lame-o blog gets from folks googling "Lauren Bergfeld" - mainly, because of this post from waaaaaaaaay back in June, 2005.

Cute and adorable Lauren was on this show that I absolutely hated, Beauty & the Geek. Nothing against the good folks on the show, it's the show itself and its core concept: all geeks are socially inept but make money and all pretty girls are golddiggers. The show, in my opinion, denigrates both geeks and women and I don't think either of those groups are really in need of more mockery these days. Perpetuating long out-of-date stereotypes bugs me. Sorry.

Back to the point. Lauren. Obviously, I wasn't the only geek who thought she was cute, as fan sites began popping up and she made her way back to the next season of the FOX show (of which I have not seen an episode).

In the aforementioned post, I joked that maybe Lauren would find this blog by googling her name. And that, friends, is exactly what happened.

You like me huh?

Well, look what I am doing now!

I am playing football and getting paid for it.

http://news.yahoo.com/news? tmpl=...r3069522528.jpg

kisses!

Lauren
Lauren Bergfeld | Homepage | 02.06.06 - 5:06 pm | #

It almost sounds like a middle school note. Adorable. And a link to herself in the Lingerie Bowl. Cute. Always be plugging something!

So there you have it, geeks. Stop stalking hapless women. Just mention a lady's name on your website and she will find you through the magic of google.

Just stay away from the whole MySpace thing. That place is creepy.

out of touch

By the way, my respect for George Clooney just jumped WAAAAY up.

God bless YouTube.

THIS is how you make a statement in your Oscar acceptance speech.

Concise, heartfelt, and enlightening, it's the strongest recent argument I've heard in response to dipshits who deride any art that actually tries to create a change in society as being "out of touch."

"And finally, I would say that, you know, we are a little bit out of touch in Hollywood every once in a while. I think it's probably a good thing. We're the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn't really popular. And we, you know, we bring up subjects. This Academy, this group of people gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I'm proud to be a part of this Academy. Proud to be part of this community, and proud to be out of touch. And I thank you so much for this."

Well said.

And for the record, Batman and Robin was not your fault. Clearly, you were brainwashed by Joel Schumacher's mind-control nipple ray.

not fair

Dana Reeve, who fought for better treatments and possible cures for paralysis through the Christopher Reeve Foundation, named for her late actor-husband, has died. She was 44.

Reeve died Monday of lung cancer, said Kathy Lewis, president and CEO of the foundation.

"On behalf of the entire Board of Directors and staff of the Christopher Reeve Foundation, we are extremely saddened by the death of Dana Reeve, whose grace and courage under the most difficult of circumstances was a source of comfort and inspiration to all of us," Lewis said in a statement.

Reeve won worldwide admiration for her support of her husband, best known for as the star of "Superman," after he was paralyzed in a horse-riding accident in 1996.

She served as chairwoman of the Christopher Reeve Foundation and founded the Christopher and Dana Reeve Paralysis Resource Center.

Christopher Reeve died in 2004. In August, Dana Reeve announced she had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

She lived in Westchester County, near New York, with the couple's son, Will. She has appeared on Broadway, off-Broadway and regional stages and on the TV shows "Law & Order," "Oz," and "All My Children."

"Dana will always be remembered for her passion, strength and ceaseless courage that became her hallmark," Lewis said. "Along with her husband, Christopher, she faced adversity with grace and determination, bringing hope to millions around the world."

Please hold

Okay, so this semester has gotten quite busy. Lots o' writing.

And then it's Army weekend again.

I have some shows coming up next week and I will get around to deconstructing Superman III.

In the meantime, please entertain yourself with the thought of Shaq busting criminals dressed as Kazaam.

"You break the law, jack, you deal with Shaq! KA-ZAAAAAAM!"

weekend SITREP

Friday:

2 shows, both went exceptionally well.

Rififi was packed, mostly thanks to the large group of folks who came out to see Max Silvestri and Abe Smith. They have a great group of supportive friends. A few o' my pals also came out to support me, and that was nice, too. Warmed my bitter little heart.

I opened the show. It went well. I think I even managed to get a decent tape out of the deal.

So that was a nice start to the evening.

Much thanks to Greg Johnson for throwing me up and to Dan Newbower for taping my set. He had a great set, too. And to Brian Longwell for doing a great job. And to Max and Abe, as well, for great sets and for bringing out most of the crowd. Thanks all around!

After meeting and greeting with the Rififi crowd, I high-tailed it uptown to the 45th Street Theatre for the 11 PM Laughing Liberally show. Peeking out into the audience, I noticed two familiar faces, Josh Kantor and Mary Eaton from back home in Boston, MA. What the hell were they doing here in NYC? At 11 o'clock at night?! They were there to see me. Awwww.

I closed out the show. Great show, in fact, featuring the lovely Jen Dziura on hosting duties and the left-leaning comedy stylings of Bob Smith and Syd Bernstein. Their very funny sets were followed by Jaime Jackson rocking the pi-a-no.

Man, I thought to myself, I don't wanna follow a musical act.

But, I was closing out this show, so I figured I should at least act like a closer. Which I did. And I had a blast. Tried some new stuff, felt very loose, had fun with the audience, got some very positive feedback, and overall, felt great about the set.

So, thanks to all involved! Well done, lads and ladies.

Saturday, another Boston friend of mine was in town with her kick-ass band, The Saturday Saints. They rocked the Knitting Factory last night and if you've not yet heard them, you need to correct that.

Check out their demo online.

Click here for WALKING BY THE SEA.

You're welcome.

Huh.

You learn something new every day.

You scored as Cultural Creative.

Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Cultural Creative 100% Postmodernist 69% Idealist 69% Existentialist 63% Modernist 44% Materialist 44% Romanticist 44% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

And I thought I was a postmodern romantic existential idealist...

today's quote - in memorium

From the The Incredible Mr. Limpet.

Screenplay by:

Jameson Brewer
John C. Rose
Joe DiMona (adaptation)

Novel by Theodore Pratt

"I wish, I wish I was a fish."

-Mr. Limpet
(Don Knotts)

And sadly, the need for another quote:

"Notta fingah!!"

- The Old Man
(Darren McGavin)

A Christmas Story

Screenplay by:
Jean Shepherd
Leigh Brown
Bob Clark

Attention filthy hippies!

2 shows tomorrow night!!

A quick set on the Greg Johnson Show at Rififi at 8PM, along with some of Boston's other favorite sons:

Dan Newbower!
Max Silvestri!
Abe Smith!
Brian Longwell!
& hosted by true gentleman lover:
Greg Johnson!

Feel the Boston love tomorrow night at 8. It'll be wicked pissah!

Friday, February 24th @ 8PM
The Greg Johnson Show
Rififi
332 East 11th Street (between 1st & 2nd Ave), New York City

THEN:

I'll be doing a very fair & balanced set friday night at 11 pm. So make sure those early-to-bed right wingers are safely tucked into bed for a good night's sleep, and then come out and party with the lefties!

Also featuring Syd Bernstein and Bob Smith.

And hosted by Jennifer Dziura, who looks pretty darn good in Wonder Woman underwear. I'm just sayin'...

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24th, 11 PM

The LAUGHING LIBERALLY LAB

45th Street Theater
354 West 45th Street, 2nd floor
(Between 8th and 9th Ave.)
Reservations: (212) 967-7079 x210
$10.

Sure, things look bleak now, but haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter? Come out and laugh...before Dick Cheney shoots you in the face.

Seriously.

He will shoot you in the face.

Laugh with (or at) those crazy lib'ril types. Friday. 11 PM.

Unless you've already tapped my phone. In which case you already know the info.

Five Fists of Hell Yeah!

MARK TWAIN!

NIKOLA TESLA!

NEW YORK CITY!

THE AWESOME POWER OF SCIENCE!

THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!

The Five Fists of Science.

Yes. I believe I shall be picking this up.

Portly Insecure

Maybe it isn't the best idea to put a company owned by the United Arab Emirates in control of operations at major American ports in major American cities. You know, when we're currently involved in a war with some Arab nations. Luckily, we have spin doctors hard at work, trying to tell Americans that concens over terrorism equal racism against Arabs. It's good spin.

Potential terrorist ties of Dubai aside, I think the skirmish over US-Arab relations obscures the real problem here:

OUTSOURCING.

Okay, so in this instance it's Dubai, which causes some alarm. Maybe the concern is overstated, but it still raises concern. As it should. Today's allies are tomorrow's enemies. No foreign company should ever be in charge of anything that involves the security of America. Under ANY circumstances.

I'm opposed to having an Arab company secure our ports the same as I'm opposed to a British company running our ports the same as I'm opposed to having a Japanese or Australian or Canadian or German or any country that ISN'T the US controlling our ports. Any foreign company overseeing American security concerns me. Because US national security is only a primary concern for the US. For any other country, our security is just business. And our national security should never be "just business." We may have some problems, but I'm pretty sure that we, as Americans, can find enough qualified people to pull our own damn security and operate our own damn ports.

Just thinking out loud here, but don't we have, oh, I don't know, any AMERICAN companies that could do this job? Or, perhaps, like a standing Army or some sort of Fedrealized port security marshalls or maybe, what are they called, a National Guard or a Coast Guard or something that could oversee port operations? Just tossing out suggestions. I mean, a lot of tax-payer money is going toward the Department of Homeland Security; it can't ALL be going toward secret domestic spy programs...can it?

All I know is, Americans could use jobs. And our ports could use managing and securing. I'm thinking that finding Americans jobs managing and securing American ports might be a way to solve such problems.

Because outsourcing our national security is a terrible solution. No matter how you spin it.

What we need is a true American hero to guarantee safety and security for America's ports.

And I know just the patriotic law enforcement official for this tough job...

WAH-HOOOO!

Thanks to the supremely awesome Alex at the bestest comic book store ever, I am now the proud owner of:



Jealous?

In other geeky news....

Maybe 9/11 drove Frank Miller nuts, maybe it didn't. But one thing's for sure: Holy Terror, Batman! is the book Frank Miller NEEDED to write. I actually don't think it's a bad thing to have Batman punching out one of America's deadliest foes. It's just following in the proud tradition of comics as power fantasy and wish fulfillment, which Miller himself points out:

Superman punched out Hitler. So did Captain America. That’s one of the things they’re there for. These are symbols of our people, of our country. These are our folk heroes. It just seemed to be kind of silly to be chasing around the Riddler when you’ve got al-Qaeda out there.

I totally agree. And at least Miller has Batman hunting down Osama and al-Qaeda. You know, the actual terrorists who attacked us. He could have had Batman going after Saddam if he were going for the straight up, gung-ho, "USA! USA!" take on the War on Terrorism. If Miller tried to tie Saddam Hussein to al-Qaeda's terrorist attack on 9/11...well, now that would be crazy.

Meanwhile, this take on it is awesome:

...I've taught ladies plenty...

Because it's stuck in my head right now, one of the greatest TV theme songs ever:

The Unknown Stuntman.

The theme to The Fall Guy. Sung by Lee Majors himself.

And now it's in your head, too. Ah hey hey!

Quote of Steel

For Ross.

Because I've been thinking about Superman III. I think the genius of this quote speaks for itself.



"Ya Always wanted to fly, Kent. Now's yer chance!"

- Evil Superman
(Christopher Reeve)

Superman III

Screenplay by
David & Leslie Newman.

Quick Plugs

Tomorrow night, come see live stand-up comedy!!! A splendid time is guaranteed for all!*

Monday, February 20th @ 9PM
Sweet Paprika
The D Lounge
101 E. 15th Street, New York City

On Friday night, come see livelefty hippy comedy!!! They put the "commie" in comedy!**

Friday, February 24th @ 11PM
Laughing Liberally
The Lab @ the Tank
45th Street Theater 354 West 45th Street, 2nd floor (Between 8th and 9th Ave.)

*A splendid time not actually guaranteed for all. Degree of enjoyment may vary.

**Not actually Commies, but they will be called Commies by Ann Coulter's adam's apple.

"This time is going to be the best time of all"

Christopher Reeve will always be the definitive Superman. Always. Let's just get that out of the way. And while I'm cautiously optimistic about Bryan Singer's upcoming Superman Returns, Superman and Superman II will always remain my favorites. And since so much has been said about these great (but none-the-less flawed) films, I'd like to reflect upon the bastard children of the franchise...

I thought I would put my newfound screenwriting expertise to good use and examine a lost treasure of bad cinema:

Superman III.

I'll get to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace another day. For now, let's just look at Superman III. So much could have worked in this movie. And so much didn't. From the flimsy, comedic script of David and Leslie Newman to the poorly conceived villains, Superman III failed to live up to the high standards of the first two movies. In this examination, I will attempt - through my brilliant expertise - to not only pinpoint the failings of the movie, but also try to understand why it failed. I will also offer my solutions and present to you all how I would have solved the problem. But today, before we get into a critical analysis of the entire film, let's first look to the trailer, to see if we can find any hint of the awfulness that was to come.

Also, please note, I have nothing but love and admiration for Richard Pryor, Christopher Reeve, and Superman. And director Richard Lester (who directed A Hard Day's Night, among other things). I do this with love and affection.

Let's start by examining the trailer...

Watch the trailer here and follow along!

* Nice start - the familiar strains of that John Williams theme is guaranteed to get audiences excited. The enthusiastic build, the triumphant march playing over the quaint Warner Bros. logo`sucks you right in. So far so good.

* "When it's time for adventure...it's time for Superman." Whoosh. Reddish, cloudy sky, the red/blue/yellow blur streaking across the top, exploding into the silver S-shield. A little cheesy, but hey. Still cool.

* "Alexander Salkind presents Christopher Reeve and Richard Pryor in Superman III." Christopher Reeve gets top billing. Cool. Uh oh. Cheesy card-board cut-out Superman just shattered the S-shield. Terrible effect. Not a good sign.

* "This time...Richard Pryor has come to Metropolis." Okay. Stop right there. First off, the clip they show is Richard Pryor arriving in Smallville. To further drive home the point that we're in rural Smallville, Clark is even wearing his red, Smallville sweater draped over his shoulders. So, they're lying to us. And they make it sound like it's gonna be an Abbot & Costello-type movie where Pryor plays himself, like it's a buddy movie with him and Superman. More deception. Oy. And hilarity is already ensuing as bumbling Clark Kent opens the car door into bumbling Richard Pryor! It's a comedy.

* "...and he's got something to sell." Looks like Pryor is selling a lot of alcohol. Hm. Are they trying to tell us something? Like, 'you're gonna need a lot of liquer to enjoy this movie.'

* "He's the best con man..." Shot of Pryor dressed as a General, looking comical. So, he's the villain, then? Is that what they're saying? Also, anyone with any passing familiarity with this movie knows that in the actual movie, he's a TERRIBLE con man. So, another lie.

* "...and the world's greatest computer genius." Really? The world's greatest computer genius? He doesn't look it. More lies? Although, I am willing to cut them a little slack here since obviously, the makers of this movie knew very little about computers and what they could actually do. Those were heady days, 1983.

* "But then, he falls..." Okay, we're taking things a little too literally here as the corresponding clip is of Richard Pryor falling off a building. Actually, he's skiing off a building, but c'mon. Who made this trailer?
Editor dude: 'Well, the voiceover says he falls - quick, I need a shot of Richard Pryor falling!'
Jackass.

* "...for a scheme to turn the ultimate computer into the ultimate weapon." Oh. He falls for an evil SCHEME. So why am I still watching Richard Pryor falling off a building? And if he's "the best con man," how could he fall for a scheme? Is there a better best con man in the movie? This trailer makes no sense! And where is Superman? Isn't this a trailer for a Superman movie?

* Shot of Richard Pryor telling Robert Vaughn that he can make the computer do "anything that you tell me to tell it to do." So, Robert Vaughn is in this movie, too. You wouldn't have known it from the trailer. Is he the real bad guy? I thought the trailer implied that Richard Pryor was the bad guy. Well, first it implied that he was coming to Metropolis when he was in Smallville, then it implied that he was the best con man, but he falls for someone else's scheme, then...
we're over a minute into the trailer and still no Superman! This trailer kind of sucks so far.

* "A machine so powerful..." Back to the computer. Maybe the computer is the villain. A shot of a giant super-computer thing. And Richard Pryor is really happy to see it. "Baby...it's daddy!" Somethin' weird is going on between Richard Pryor and that computer. Seriously, where the hell is Superman?

* "It can control the Earth..." Shot of a satelite in space firing a laser beam toward earth...which messes up the city's traffic lights? And apparently, everyone in the world does exactly what the traffic signals tell them to do...because they're idiots. I don't think Richard Lester or the Newmans understand how traffic lights really work. I hope this computer can do more than cause a traffic jam of dumb people. Oh, a car hit a fire hydrant. HEY! SUPERMAN! It's Superman! In the trailer! He's doing something! He's...ripping off the sunroof to a car filled with water! He saved a dude. Now, not to nitpick here, but this is a scene from the opening credit sequence, having nothing to do with the computer...so, once again, the trailer is lying to us. Just wanted to point that out. But, hey! Finally, we get to see Superman in his own trailer!

* "...change the weather..." Shot of a hurricane or something. Somewhere. There's a bamboo hut being blown over in a monsoon, it looks like. And now Robert Vaughn is toasting Richard Pryor. He says he's a genius, so I guess I'm supposed to believe him. If the only thing I knew about this movie was what I saw in this trailer, I'd be pretty confused right now. What the hell is Robert Vaughn doing here?! I wish they would show more Superman.

* "...and reprogram Superman." Hey. Superman! Okay, it looks like the computer has a little diagnostic of Superman...and, oh! Hot blonde on the Statue of Liberty! Aaaand...evil Superman. "I hope you don't expect me to save you, because I don't do that anymore." Damn! That computer totally reprogrammed Superman! Now it's lookin' good. Now I'm intrigued. Note: In the actual movie, it's the imperfect kryptonite (akin to the comic book's red kryptonite) that actually turns Superman evil. Again, the trailer LIES. But things are looking like something's gonna happen with badass Superman. And he is totally gonna bang that blonde.

* Okay, a little montage here. Angry Superman, he's...looks like he's flipping a switch and...DAMN! He's totally crushing Clark Kent! How can this be?! Now I totally need to see this movie! And now he looks a little cleaned up and...missiles, okay....and Superman, he looks like he's good again and...more missiles and...what the-? A space shuttle looking thing? And it's gonna hit Superman! Is he gonna die? Oh no! He totally died! Wait. Robert Vaughn again. "He didn't die." Oh, he didn't die. I guess those missiles didn't kill Superman after all. Well, so much for dramatic tension. Vaughn's still talking. "I ask you to kill Superman and you're telling me you couldn't even do that one, simple thing." Funny line. Richard Pryor is totally scared.

* Superman again! Yeah! "All right, Webster, the game's over." Webster? Is that Richard Pryor? Robert Vaughn? Emmanuel Lewis? Who the hell is Webster? (Note: It's Robert Vaughn)
Oh no! Kryptonite! It's a green beam! The computer totally has a kryptonite beam!

* Back to the voiceover: "But only the man who pulled the switch on Superman..." I assume they're referring to Richard Pryor here. Who looks a little uncomfortable. He's sort of a sucky bad guy. Shot is of Pryor saying "I'm not with them, Superman. Superman responds: "Could've fooled me, mister." Oh, SNAP! The Man of Steel totally owns you. Or pwned you. Is that how you say it on the internet?

* "...can pull the plug on super-machine." Okay, so I guess it's up to Richard Pryor to save the day? Let's look at this sentence as a whole. "Only the man who pulled the switch on Superman...can pull the plug on super-machine." Does this even really make sense? Did he pull the Kryptonite switch on Superman? Cuz it looked like he didn't want to hurt Superman...um, and now Robert Vaughn tells him: "You're going to go down in history as the man who killed Superman." But Richard Pryor doesn't look happy about it, he's shaking his head, saying "No." What kind of mixed messages are we getting from this trailer?! I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

* Okay, Superman's in trouble here...and now he holds out his hand, but clearly post-production wasn't done yet because there's no sfx to go with it, and....now the computer blows up. They just showed the climax to the entire movie. Right there. Well at least we don't now what happens after...oh, there's Superman pulling Richard Pryor out of the rubble...so, now we know what happens after. And cue cheesy, 70's-esque "put it there, brother" black-guy/white-guy handshake in 3,2...Handshake! Oh, they even gave it some soul. And Pryor says, "Thank you, brother." Wow. When did Superman III turn into a blaxploitation flick? I almost hear Isaac Hayes singing, "Can you dig it?"

* And now Superman is flying a scared Richard Pryor over the trees, laughing at him - hysterical! It's a comedy again! And then another cheesy graphic and color headshots, mostly of the folks we haven't even seen in the trailer!

* Voiceover: "Superman III. This time is going to be the best time of all."

"This time is going to be the best time of all." I think that pretty much sums it all up perfectly.

So that's the trailer. Gotta say, it's not looking too good for the movie itself. Which we'll get to another time.

To Be Continued...

Paw and Order

Uh oh! Trouble at the airport!

Dog Goes Missing After Westminster Show!!!

A dog that won an award this week in the Westminster Kennel Club show escaped from its cage at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Wednesday and was believed to be on the loose in the surrounding area.

The dog, a whippet, broke free at about noon, said Tiffany Townsend, a spokeswoman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which runs area airports.

Port Authority police were working with its owners to search the area where planes arrive and depart, she said.

"They're looking every possible place they can to see if they can locate the dog," Townsend said.

This looks like a job for....UNDERCOVER KITTY!!!

you wouldn't like him when you break the law...

Shaq just got some back-up.

Lou Ferrigno becomes reserve LA County sheriff's deputy

Would-be criminals beware: you don't want to run afoul of Deputy Lou "The Incredible Hulk" Ferrigno.

The former bodybuilder and star of the 1970s TV show no longer turns into a raging green monster when he sees people breaking the law. But since being sworn in Monday night as a Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department reserve deputy, he has the power to arrest them.

"I'm having a blast," Ferrigno told The Associated Press after his swearing-in ceremony.

"My father was a police officer with the New York Police Department, I've always had a high respect for officers," he added. "I want to give back to the community, and I want to work with young kids, help them get off drugs."

Ferrigno, 54, began training to become a reserve deputy last September after passing a background check. He completed training in firearms, first aid, and high speed driving techniques and was recognized as "an outstanding trainee" by Sheriff Lee Baca.

"Mr. Ferrigno will certainly help inspire those currently serving as reserves, and he'll be an encouragement to those who may wish to become" reserve deputies, Baca said in a statement.

Ferrigno, who will serve at least 20 hours a month, suffered a partial hearing loss in childhood that will result in his being assigned to duties that likely won't result in his having to make arrests. Instead, he'll focus on helping recruit new deputies and work with the sheriff's Youth Activities League and the Special Victims Bureau, which assists abused children.

Ferrigno was a renowned bodybuilder before he starred in the CBS television series "The Incredible Hulk" from 1977 to 1982. The late actor Bill Bixby played mild-mannered scientist David Bruce Banner who, as Ferrigno, turned into a Herculean, green-skinned monster whenever he lost his temper. He switched back to Bixby's character as soon as he calmed down.

In recent years, Ferrigno has appeared as himself on the CBS sitcom "The King of Queens."

I can't wait 'til he and Shaq team-up in the coolest law enforcement crossover EVER.

I Heart You

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

strange spam

As always, spam provides me with an endless source of entertainment. I have no idea what the following subject line means, but it sure does sound intriguing!

This is most modern and safe way not to cover with shame


It looks like this e-mail came from a Japanese marketing company. From the makers of happy fun kitty good time, now you can not cover with shame in best safe way for modern!!!

brilliant quote for today

From the 2000 film State and Main.


"So, that happened."

-Bob Barrenger
(Alec Baldwin)

Screenplay by David Mamet.

gitmo winter

As the snow piles up outside and the bitter winds whip past my New York window, I am reminded of one small perk of an Army deployment to Guantanamo Bay: it's damn hot in the winter. Weird to think that three years ago, I was spending my days with this lovely lady:

The lady's name was Baby.

And I don't think I need to tell you, nobody put Baby in the corner.

VP "accidentally" shoots some dude

Let me repeat this:

The Vice President of the United States has actually shot a man.

Cheney shoots man on Texas quail hunting trip
Man wounded in accidental shooting said to be ‘alert and doing fine’

BREAKING NEWS
The Associated Press
Updated: 4:25 p.m. ET Feb. 12, 2006


WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, his spokeswoman said Sunday.

Harry Whittington, 78, was “alert and doing fine” after Cheney sprayed him with shotgun pellets on Saturday while the two were hunting at the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas, said property owner Katharine Armstrong.

Armstrong said Whittington was mostly injured on his right side, with the pellets hitting his cheek, neck and chest, and was taken to the hospital by ambulance.

Whittington was in stable condition Sunday, said Yvonne Wheeler, spokeswoman for the Christus Spohn Health System.

Cheney’s spokeswoman, Lea Anne McBride, said the vice president was with Whittington, a lawyer from Austin, Texas, and his wife at the hospital on Sunday afternoon.

Armstrong said she was watching from a car while Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shot at a covey of quail late afternoon on Saturday.

Whittington shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and found a second covey.

Whittington “came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn’t signal them or indicate to them or announce himself,” Armstrong told the Associated Press in an interview.

“The vice president didn’t see him,” she continued. “The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by God, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.”

The shooting was first reported by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times. The vice president's office did not disclose the accident until nearly 24 hours after it happened.

Here's how I think the conversation on that hunting trip went:

Cheney: So, Harry, I heard the Grand Jury's been asking you some questions...

Whittington: Hm? Oh, yeah, Dick. But you got nuthin' t'worry about.

Cheney: Of course. Of course. I just...wanted to be sure that you're on board with us.

Whittington: Oh, yeah. Don't you fret, Dick. I just answered a few questions, told them what they wanted to hear.

Cheney: But you didn't tell them everything.

Whittington: Oh, no. No. 'Course not. Don't worry, Dick. We're good. You gotta trust me.

Cheney: I'm not worried, Harry. I know I can trust you.

Whittington: I won't tell them nuthin' about you.

Cheney: I know you won't, Harry. Hey, isn't that a quail over there in the bushes?

Whittington: Where? Over --

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Cheney: I know you won't tell them anything.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

Even your pets are watching you

Kitten Goes Undercover in Vet Scam Probe

By TOM HAYS, Associated Press WriterWed Feb 8, 6:09 PM ET

He came from the streets of Brooklyn, a cool customer on four legs, the perfect bait for a sting on a fake veterinarian.

Meet Fred, undercover kitten.

This sounds like the opening of a Disney pitch meeting.

Authorities on Wednesday introduced the 8-month-old former stray cat that posed as a would-be patient while police investigated a college student accused of treating pets without a license.

At a news conference, Fred sported a tiny badge on his collar as he posed for photos with owner Carol Moran, a prosecutor.

"He's pretty easygoing, a real Brooklyn guy," Moran said.

Fred shared the spotlight with Burt the Boston terrier, an alleged victim of Steven Vassall, 28, who was arrested last week and released on $2,500 bail.

Burt's owner, Raymond Reid, contacted authorities after the dog survived a botched operation. In hindsight, he said, he should have been suspicious of a veterinarian who only made house calls and treated animals at an undisclosed location.

Vassall "seemed like a genuinely nice guy," Reid said. "I'm glad they caught him, but at the same time I feel sorry for him."

snip

Joyce Clemmons of the nonprofit Animal Care and Control, which rescued Fred, predicted the kitten had a future in law enforcement.

"He's going to be the detective for the animal world," she said.

Must...resist...easy joke...

can't...resist....

A kitten with a badge. I bet he gets a lot of pussy.

what's the Arabic word for "irony"...?

Okay...so there's this story.

In short, a cartoonist provides satirical commentary that some extremists have perverted the Muslim faith and the word of Muhammad, using it as an excuse for violence.

The 12 cartoons published on 30 September 2005 by the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten show the Muslim Prophet Muhammad in a variety of humorous or satirical situations.

The pictures accompanied an editorial criticising self-censorship after Danish writer Kare Bluitgen complained that he was unable to find an illustrator for his children's book about the Prophet.

Some of the images appear to be quite gentle in their message - the Prophet wandering through the desert with the sun setting behind him, or his face merging with an Islamic star and crescent.

Others, however, seem to be more deliberately provocative towards Muslims, most notably showing Muhammad carrying a lit bomb on his head decorated with the Muslim declaration of faith instead of a turban.

One shows Muhammad brandishing a sword ready for a fight. His eyes are blacked out while two women stand behind him with their Islamic dress leaving only their eyes uncovered.

Another image shows Muhammad standing on a cloud holding back a line of smouldering suicide bombers, saying: "Stop, we have run out of virgins" - a reference to the supposed reward for Islamic martyrs.

Some Muslims have been offended, saying it portrays Muslims as violent, bloodthirsty, irrational extremists.

The portrayal of the Prophet Muhammad and Muslims in general as terrorists is seen as particularly offensive.

And how do these Muslims respond?

Through violent, bloodthirsty, irrational and extreme behavior, of course.

The anti-Danish protests have been repeated across the Muslim world, and have led to at least eight deaths in Afghanistan and one in Somalia.

The latest three deaths in Afghanistan came on Tuesday in an exchange of gunfire with Afghan police and Nato peacekeepers in the north-western town of Meymaneh, witnesses said.

Nato peacekeepers sent 120 British reinforcements to the town after hundreds of Afghans protesting at the cartoons attacked a Norwegian-led base.

Yep. Way to prove that Danish cartoonist wrong.

Brilliant Quote O' the Day

"He's out. And you're out, too. And I dont think I'm in, either. No gang!"

-Dignan
(Owen Wilson)

Bottle Rocket

Screenplay by Owen Wilson & Wes Anderson

Bonus Dignan Quote!

"They'll never catch me... because I'm fucking innocent."

Jury's still out on Global Warming

Current Location: Brooklyn, NY

Current date: February 3rd, 2006

Current Temperature: 61° F

News on the March!

Intel Chiefs Say Disclosures Damage Work

U.S. intelligence officials told Congress on Thursday that disclosure of once-classified projects like President Bush's no-warrant eavesdropping program have undermined their work.

How can we illegally and unconstitutionally spy on American citizens if everybody knows about it?!

If it were legal, we wouldn't have to keep it secret. Duh.

I suppose we should just tell everyone about the secret plan to hike gas prices, too. Is that what you want, hippies?