copy. paste.

Via Kevin's laziness, I have discovered what I have known all along: I am totally punk.


You're a True Punk. You know that punk isn't all
about studded jackets and mohawks. If you're
political, you're actually informed. Most of
the stuff you love is from before the 80s,
though you know bands like Fugazi kept the
spirit going.


You Know Yer Indie. Let's Sub-Categorize.
brought to you by Quizilla

I have also discovered that my barometer for judging my own stand-up comedy has become dependent upon how many ladies compliment me after a show. Oh sure, making the audience howl with laughter is certainly one way to judge comedy skills...but from my own shallow point of view, nothing makes me feel like an all-star comic more than hearing a lovely lady tell me she thought I was funny after a set.

Yes, Charles, I wanted to be a rock star musician. I just can't play an instrument.

But that's because I am totally punk.

Escape from New Orleans

And then it got worse.

Again, from the AP:

With law officers and National Guardsmen focused on saving lives, looters around the city spent another day brazenly ransacking stores for food, clothing, appliances — and guns.

Thieves commandeered a forklift and used it to push up the storm shutters and break the glass of a pharmacy. The crowd stormed the store, carrying out so much ice, water and food that it dropped from their arms as they ran. The street was littered with packages of ramen noodles and other items.

Looters also chased down a state police truck full of food. The New Orleans police chief ran off looters while city officials themselves were commandeering equipment from a looted Office Depot. During a state of emergency, authorities have broad powers to take private supplies and buildings for their use.

Officials tried to balance security needs with saving lives.

"We're multitasking right now," said New Orleans Police Capt. Marlon Defillo. "Rescue, recovery, stabilization of looting, we're trying to feed the hungry."

Gov. Kathleen Blanco said she has asked the White House to send more people to help with evacuations and rescues, thereby freeing up National Guardsmen to stop looters.

"We need to free up the National Guard to do security in the city," Blanco said.

New Orleans' homeland security chief, Terry Ebbert, said looters were breaking into stores all over town and stealing guns. He said there are gangs of armed men moving around the city. At one point, officers stranded on the roof of a hotel were fired at by criminals on the street.

The Times-Picayune newspaper reported that the gun section at a new Wal-Mart had been cleaned out by looters.

Authorities said an officer was shot in the head and a looter was wounded in a shootout. The officer was expected to survive.

Authorities planned to send more than 70 additional officers and an armed personnel carrier into the city.

In the meantime, city authorities were putting a higher priority on rescuing victims and repairing a levee breach that was spilling water into the streets.

"One of our fears is if we don't stop the breach, that we will put good people's lives in jeopardy," the governor said. "We are concerned about essentials. We are asking for more military presence in the city to control the situation better.

On New Orleans' Canal Street, dozens of looters ripped open the steel gates on clothing and jewelry stores and grabbed merchandise. In Biloxi, Miss., people picked through casino slot machines for coins and ransacked other businesses. In some cases, the looting was in full view of police and National Guardsmen.

The historic French Quarter appeared to have been spared the worst flooding, but its stores were getting the worst of human nature.

"The looting is out of control. The French Quarter has been attacked," Councilwoman Jackie Clarkson said. "We're using exhausted, scarce police to control looting when they should be used for search and rescue while we still have people on rooftops."

Sen. Mary Landrieu's helicopter was taking off Tuesday for a flyover of the devastation and she watched as a group of people smashed a window at a gas-station convenience store and jumped in.

At a drug store in the French Quarter, people were running out with grocery baskets and coolers full of soft drinks, chips and diapers. Other looters were seen leaving a store with armfuls of tennis shoes and football jerseys.

We could really use the Justice League right about now...

"And so shines a good deed in a weary world."

Sometimes, tragedies do reveal the inherent goodness of human beings.

From the AP:

Americans Contribute Millions for Relief



Americans are pouring in millions of dollars in donations for disaster relief in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, rescue organizations said Wednesday.

The Red Cross said it had so far raised $21 million, a figure comparable to the response for tsunami victims following the devastation in Asia earlier this year. Nearly $15 million of that has come from individual donations through its Web site, with the rest representing corporate contributions.

"The outpouring of support has been amazing," said Kara Bunte, a spokeswoman for the Red Cross, which has set up hundreds of shelters for hurricane victims.

"People are now starting to see the images on TV and want to help," she said.

Catholic Charities USA, based in Alexandria, Va., said it has received hundreds of calls in the last few days from volunteers asking how they can help. The group has raised $15,000 through its Web site, but will be stepping up collection efforts at churches in the coming days.

"The response is right up there with the calls we had after 9-11," said spokeswoman Shelley Borysiewicz. "The American public is quite generous and they will rise to the occasion."

And sometimes tragedies just bring out the worst.

Via News Hounds:

[Sean] Hannity introduced an interview with Charles Foti, Louisiana Attorney General, and a former New Orleans sheriff, by saying, "This morning, cameras caught people ransacking a grocery store, trying to gather as much food as possible." Nearly everyone in the video was African American. The video was show[n] repeatedly throughout the hour.

After extending "our thoughts" to Foti, Hannity continued, "These images of looting have literally shocked the nation. How bad is it?"

snip

Foti answered, "When you think about that you have no electricity, you have no food, you have limited water and the grocery stores are closed, that may not be looting. That might be self-preservation, OK? That food will go bad anyhow."

Hannity: "I think you can make that case for food. But I see people taking clothes and other items - and to a large extent televisions."

There were no people taking televisions in the video shown, although some did appear to have clothes and flowers. But mostly we saw people taking food.

Foti said his major priorities right now are to make sure the hospitals are running, to rescue people trapped on roofs, and to bring in food and water.

Hannity then accused Foti of "minimizing it."

Foti responded that he's not trying to minimize it. "The process that we have is that people are losing lives... The devastation in these areas is complete."

Alan Colmes pointedly asked if the officials didn't have many other priorities that had to take precedence over looting.

The AP even gets in on the act, as seen via Wonkette.

Finders keepers, looters weepers.

When the going gets tough ...

...the tough start giving.



Please help the Red Cross continue helping others.

We now return to my otherwise selfish life...

You WILL believe a spaghetti monster can fly ...

In an Open Letter to the Kansas School Board, Bobby Henderson makes the very compelling argument of why alternative Intelligent Design theories should ALSO be taught in school.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

There's even a chart providing empirical evidence of the inverse relationship between the decrease of pirates and the increase of global temperature.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

The evidence is overwhelming.

http://venganza.org/

Remember, we are all His creatures.

overheard

Army Chaplain: ...hear what Robertson said? That we should assassinate Chavez?

Army Major: Yeah.

Army Chaplain: See, the media gets hold of something like that and that's why people think we're all whackos.

Lady: People know the difference between this guy and good guys.

Army Major: He should keep his mouth shut. Isn't he the same guy who said that judges were worse than terrorists who flew planes into buildings?

Army Chaplain: Sicko.

(pause)

Army Major: Least he didn't get caught with a buncha whores!

Lady: Hey now --

Army Major: Remember Swaggart? With the tears! Waaah...

Army Chaplain: And what's his name. With the wife. And the make-up. Baker. Same thing!

Lady: I liked Baker...

Double super secret probation

Nothing really to say, except that I'm posting this from my military work station.

That is all.

Targeting an audience?

Um...is Monster.com recruiting for al Qaida? I only ask because their latest ad banner is hilariously unfortunate and kind of in bad taste. Anyone else disturbed by this ad banner?




Memo to Monster.com: next time you embark on a marketing campaign designed to attract prospective job seekers...uh, maybe try NOT using creepy images of targets on buildings, people, and a map of America! Unless, of course, you're looking to hire out-of-work terrorists or something...

Boston Ho

It's Annual Training time!

This year, I'll be doing two weeks of fun-filled training back in Massachusetts. What kind of training? "Army training, sir!"

So it's back to the ol' homestead for me - note to my Boston peeps (including Kevin, whom I have yet to e-mail), I'll be in town for two whole weeks while I play Army.

Special added bonus - you can come see me improv with the other fine funny folks of the Underkroft on Sunday evening at the Improv Boston Theatre in Inman Square at 7pm.

Peace, bitches.

State of the Nation

The State of Red Sox Nation is strong.
This makes me smile this morning:

The sizzling Sox, winners of 12 of their last 14 games, have opened up their American League East lead over the Yankees to a season-high 5 1/2 games. In fact, the division lead is the largest the Red Sox have had since 1995, the last time they won a division title.

broken glass

All I could do was stare blankly at the shattered blue-hued glass blanketing the sidewalk and my front passenger seat. The dangling wires that used to be attached to my car stereo hung limply from the guts of my dashboard. My car had been brutalized and violated.

That's how I started my day yesterday. Even worse, it happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING. The crackheads who smashed my window and ripped out my radio were only it in it for the vandalism and the radio, I guess, since they left my three cases of CDs in the backseat, in addition to the far more valuable assorted items scattered around my car. So, in that sense, I was extremely lucky. Needless to say, my car will no longer carry valuable items.

I've parked in far sketchier areas and nary a problem. Until stupid bloody Tuesday.

I need to give mad props to Tiffany and the gang at Liberty Mutual for making this ordeal a little bit easier, as well as the NYPD for responding immediately.

Glass can be replaced. Stereos can be replaced.

For now, I'll just try to deal with my car being viciously violated and maybe one day, I'll learn to trust again.

My father did something nice...

...and my picture got in the paper.

On Sunday, my father blew taps in Lowell as part of the first "Bugles Across America" ceremony. Since I was up this weekend for the Army, Geordarna and I took part as well, before heading back to NYC.

Surrounded by veterans from WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam, my father and I represented the latest additions from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom. Quite an honor, actually, to so visibly see the link from the present to the past and to take part in even a small ceremony that recognizes the cost of freedom and the price of war.

Nice little write-up in the Lowell Sun, as well.

Raising awareness, note by note

By ROBERT MILLS, Sun Staff
Lowell Sun

LOWELL -- Three buglers slowly played Taps last night as the VFW Walker Rogers Post 662 took part for the first time in Bugles Across America -- a movement in which buglers across the nation simultaneously play the song to honor soldiers and draw attention to their dwindling numbers.

Post 662 Commander Vincent Freeman said the post will take part in the event from now on during the first Sunday of every month, as buglers across the country raise their horns to play the solemn military song at 7:15 p.m.

Freeman kicked off a ceremony that started about 7 p.m., and as 7:15 drew near 97-year-old Handel Matley was the first to play, sounding the 24 notes of the song as the noise of cars and daily life echoed through silence of those of the VFW hall's parking lot.

As soon as Matley sounded the last note, Post 662's bugler, Bob Camble, began his version.

After Camble, 72, who is a veteran of the Korean and Vietnam wars, went Sam Poulten, of Chelmsford, an Army major [Ed. Note: he's actually a Lt. Colonel] who played Taps in Iraq as the caskets of American soldiers were loaded onto planes bound for home.

Freeman said participation in Bugles Across America is meant to honor fallen soldiers, as well as to draw attention to the dwindling numbers of buglers across the nation.

Poulten said lack of wars in past decades made buglers who can play taps less needed for a while, and that a lot of people also think it's harder than it actually is, especially in a situation where a mistake would be so regrettable.

“It can be taught, and we're willing to teach young buglers,” Poulten said.

“If you can learn to play it, it's an awesome feeling for the player, as well as those listening.”

Freeman said Bugles Across America got started in 2000 in the Midwest, and that he hopes to see the turnout at the monthly event in Lowell grow, as well as to see the event take hold in other communities.

"...what do you call this act?"

Mention you're a comedian these days, and talk invariably swings toward The Aristocrats.

The funniest unfunny joke ever.

I saw the movie last week and in my expert opinion, 'tis a fine documentary. It's an invaluable glimpse into the minds of comedians, as well as an entertaining look at how every comic makes the same "joke" their own. If comedy was a class, this would be required viewing.

But.

(you knew there would be a "but")

I feel like watching these comedians riff on the many vulgar variations of the joke, I was really watching the end of an era. If "the Aristocrats" was the secret handshake of comics, the secret club just went public. And while I appreciate the chance to see giants like Carlin improvise on the most infamous shaggy dog joke around, I feel like the genius of what I saw is wasted on a non-comedy audience. A lot of people just won't get it. There's just something that separates comics' senses of humors from everyone else...and this joke personifies that. Not that non-comics can't appreciate or enjoy this documentary. But some things you either get or you don't. There's a reason comics entertain themselves with this bit when the audience has gone home; there's a reason they call it "playing to the back of the room."

It's the ultimate inside bit - passed down from generation to generation since the early days of vaudeville. Until now.

I can't help but feel that in just a few short months, open mikers around the country will start running "Aristocrats"-themed shows, trying hard to out-gross one another and completely missing the point.

Anyone can go blue. The magic isn't in the joke itself or even the dirty acts described. The magic is in who told the joke. The magic is in how it was told by master craftsmen (& craftswomen). Imagine hearing Johnny Carson regaling comics with inspired obscenities, spewing forth from his reserved mouth. Imagine Mike O'Donoghue waxing poetic for 1/2 an hour on the finer points of forbidden carnal pleasures. THAT's the magic of hearing the Aristocrats. Yet, now every open miker who can use Fandago can string together a few scatalogical references and suddenly, they think they're in the club and have the creds to tell their version of the joke.

They're not in the club. I'm not in the club. Most of us aren't in the club. But now everyone thinks they know how to get in.

Let me set ya straight: if the first time you heard about The Aristocrats was from hearing about this movie, you're not ready to tell your version of it.

Not that I'm an expert. But I do remember when I first heard about the mythical fella with the dirtiest family act in town.

I first heard it from the late great Jay Ginsberg, back in my child actor days at the Merrimack Repertory Theatre. My personal patron saint of comedy, Jay set me on the path to ruin at a very young age, infecting my young impressionable mind with all sorts of archaic comedy bits and always reminding me that once I hit puberty and the cuteness wore off, my acting career was all over. Hm. I guess he was also my own personal oracle...but I digress. Jay's another tale for another time.

So, here I am, a young child actor (around Bar Mitzvah age) and I'm doing my third or fourth show with Jay, Enemy of the People at the Merrimack Repertory Theatre. In one of the early scenes, a bunch of us are in the background sitting around the table and at some point, we all laugh. It became a running gag that I would (very quietly) tell a stupid joke right before the scripted laugh. Of course, I very quickly ran out of jokes to tell. So, I immediately went to the source of all things funny: Jay. And, every night, he would provide me with some raunchy or off-color little jokes with which I could softly regale my fellow actors.

Then, one night, while we're all sitting downstairs in the green room, I make my nightly request for a joke. Jay throws one or two clunkers at me and at this point, I'm being picky. After I reject a dirty little joke about two nuns on a bike, Jay looks at me with affectionate annoyance and a devilish gleam, as if to say, "who the hell does this kid think he is?" In fact, he may have actually said that. In any event, he takes a deep breath and slowly begins:

"A man walks into a talent agency..."

I can still hear him chuckling at the end of that opening sentence. Some of the actors already had a clue what he was doing and began giggling before he even got to the family's entrance. Others, who had never heard of the existence of the joke, doubled over with laughter at the dirty deeds described, shaking their heads incredulously at Jay's hilariously graphic descriptions and impeccable delivery. Me...I, uh, I ...I mean, it was cool...I was laughing and I knew I was hearing something unique...but the punchline? I didn't get it. I didn't get that I had just unwittingly learned comedy's dirtiest little secret.

"...and what do you call you this act?"

I can still see Jay sitting there, smiling broadly as he thrusts his arms outward in a "taaa-daaa" tableau:

"The Aristocrats!"

I smiled, knowing that he had just thrown the big guns at me to shock my little system. "I think I'll go with the joke about the nuns."

I didn't realize it at the time, but he had just rocked my world. I think I pestered him throughout the rest of the run to figure out what that "Aristocrats" joke was all about and why it should be funny. He explained that it was an old vaudeville joke and that I was just too young to understand. I was too young to understand.

I get it now. And I can't believe how lucky I am to have at least heard a (probably tame) variation of the joke by someone like Jay.

And now here I am, more than a decade later, working my way up the comedy ranks ... in no small part thanks to Jay's unrelenting torment and inspiration. And I know, somewhere behind the Pearly Gates, in the back of the room in the back of a lounge of a smokey club, the likes of Lenny Bruce and Sam Kinnison are howling with laughter. And there, 'neath a dim spotlight 'gainst a brick wall, stands Jay, smiling broadly with his arms outstretched in a "taaa-daaa" tableau, exclaiming:

"The Aristocrats!"

Instant Karma

Wow. Karma is a bee-yotch this week.

Again, not to pour salt into a gaping wound, but if I were a resident of Ohio's 2nd district who voted Republican, I'd feel pretty crummy about myself. Hot on the heels of a gen-uuu-ine Iraq war veteran and Marine reservist narrowly losing a special Congressional election, we learn news that an Ohio unit just lost 20 Marines in Iraq.

I'm just sayin'...

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends of those Marines. And my thoughts and prayers and future donations go out to Paul Hackett.

Hackett, 43, a lawyer and Marine reservist who recently completed a seven-month tour, was vying to become the first combat veteran of the Iraq war to serve in Congress.

"This was a success. We should all be proud," Hackett told cheering supporters. "The voters of the 2nd District won because we gave them a choice."

He drew attention to the race with his flame-throwing assaults on Bush, namely for the president's July 2003 "bring 'em on" comment about Iraqi insurgents. Hackett called it the "most incredibly stupid comment" he ever heard a president make, saying it "cheered on the enemy."

Hackett said he expects to return to Iraq with his unit sometime next year. Grinning when supporters cheered "'06," he said he'll have to think it over.

Not to make light of a tragedy, but...

It's a bad time to be a Boy Scout these days.

Lightning struck a shelter at a Boy Scout camp high in the mountains, killing one youth and injuring three others, authorities said Wednesday.

The lightning bolt struck the Camp Steiner shelter, a log structure open on one side, Tuesday night, said sheriff's deputy Wally Hendricks said.

The rest of the Boy Scouts at the camp returned home, Hendricks said. No one answered the telephone at the Great Salt Lake Boy Scout Council, but the deputy said he believed they were all from the Salt Lake County area.

The dead scout was 15, authorities said. Names of the victims were not released.

Camp Steiner is in the Uinta Mountains, about 60 miles east of Salt Lake City. It is the highest Boy Scout camp in the country at an elevation of 10,400 feet.

A line of powerful thunderstorms had rolled across much of Utah on Tuesday, causing flash floods in the southwestern part of the state, taking out a bridge and closing a highway.

Last Thursday, an assistant Scoutmaster and a 13-year-old Scout were killed by lightning in California's Sequoia National Park. And four Scout leaders at the National Boy Scout Jamboree in Virginia were electrocuted July 24 in front of several Scouts after they lost control of a metal tent pole and it fell against a power line.

Oy. Rough year for the scouts.

Happy Birthday, Daddio

In honor of the old man's birthday, let us take a moment to reflect upon the fact that while I was deployed to Guantanamo Bay in support of Operation Enduring Freedom, he got sent to Iraq (he's home now). And while I have struggled to pursue a career in stand-up comedy, he had his picture taken with Robin Williams. In Iraq.

Some guys have all the luck. Except for that whole Iraq thing.

If you look real close, you can see he's holding up a picture of me...always the proud papa.

Happy birthday, dad!

Here comes the neighborhood

This weekend, I checked out Brooklyn's latest and classiest comicbook establishment, Rocketship. Not only is it friendly and inviting with a fine selection of comics (and a particular focus on independent publishers), but it also has the benefit of being right down the street from me. Sweet.

Check 'em out if you're ever in Brooklyn...it's a pretty snazzy joint.

All You Need Is Cash

My birthday is September 4th. Anyone with a few extra hundred thousand dollars lying around are more than welcome to do some advance gift shopping. Anything from the this auction would be greatly appreciated. Especially if it's the hand-written lyrics to All You Need Is Love. Thanks in advance.

John Lennon Memorabilia to Be Auctioned
By JILL LAWLESS, Associated Press Writer
1 hour, 26 minutes ago



Money can't buy you love. But a few hundred thousand can get you a piece of Beatles history. A collection of John Lennon memorabilia valued by auctioneers at more than $2 million is being sold in London Thursday.

The sale includes youthful paintings and handwritten lyrics, jackets, eyeglasses and even furniture from the late former Beatle's home. The most valuable items have been gathered over 25 years by one anonymous American collector. Auctioneer Cooper Owen, a company which specializes in music and film memorabilia, says it constitutes "the most definitive collection of John Lennon memorabilia ever assembled."

The centerpiece of the sale at London's Hippodrome nightclub is handwritten lyrics to "All You Need is Love," salvaged from Lennon's music stand after The Beatles' final TV appearance in 1967 and estimated at between $870,000 and $1 million.

Cooper Owen director Ted Owen said the manuscript was "the Holy Grail of Beatles lyrics."

"It's probably one of the few remaining Beatles lyrics in private collectors' hands and one of the most important musical manuscripts in existence," Owen said. "It was the anthem of the peace movement ... the anthem of 1967."

The sale includes other items that loom large in the history of the 1960s. There's the Vox Continental organ that Lennon played during The Beatles' famous Shea Stadium concert in New York in 1965, expected to fetch more than $350,000.

The tunic of a World War One military band member, worn by Lennon for a 1966 Life magazine photo shoot — and a possible inspiration for the group's martial look on the cover of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" — is valued at least $175,000.

The bedspread from Lennon and Yoko Ono's 1969 Montreal "bed-in," embroidered with the message "all you need is love," carries an estimate of at least $53,000.

While Beatles memorabilia is among the most coveted by rock collectors, past auctions have sometimes been disappointing. Last year an autograph Lennon signed shortly before he was shot and killed outside his Manhattan apartment building in 1980 failed to reach its minimum price of $143,000 at a Cooper Owen auction.

But Pete Nash, a memorabilia expert with the British Beatles Fan Club, said many of the items in Thursday's sale were special.

"It's lovely, lovely stuff," Nash said. "There are some real museum pieces. It's not the usual run-of-the-mill memorabilia."

He said the most expensive items, beyond the reach of most Beatles collectors, would likely go to "about 20 heavy-duty collectors in the world who seem to have unlimited funds."

Owen said pieces like the "All You Need is Love" lyrics were worth every penny.

"They're part of our history now," he said. "In the British Library, opposite the Magna Carta, are three sets of Beatles lyrics next to Beethoven and Bach."

Ouch.

And you thought you might have had a bad night...

Here's to a safe and speedy recovery for Matt Clement!

googling for fame

We all want our 15 minutes of fame. And for some, that 15 minutes can stretch pretty far. For others...not so much. While by no means scientific, I think the longevity of someone's 15 minutes can be seens as being directly proportional to how many times a day they are googled.

For a few weeks, google searches for 'Lauren Bergfeld' sent hapless googlers to this here site. Sorry, fellas. Checking the recent stats, google searches for Lauren Bergfeld are WAY down from a few weeks ago.

And so fades the brief-but-shining star of yet another reality television supah stah.

Your 15 minutes is up in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

Get me a book deal STAT!

Some publishing company somewhere should be giving me massive piles of cash to write self-help relationship books for chicks. I mean women. Sorry. Womyn.

Quick backstory:

Late night.
Roof deck.
Copious amounts of alcohol.
Ladies. Lots.


As always, the conversation turns pseudo-serious into "what women are looking for." Obviously, personality/emotional compatibility and sexual chemistry are musts. But one particularly honest lady put forth that - for a long-term relationship to work - money is also an essential component. So, for a good relationship to flourish, you need to have the ability to relate to one another on an emotional, psychological, and sexual level AND you need to have some sort of financial security. Leading me to brilliantly proclaim that the three key ingredients for any successful relationship are:

Sex.
Psych.
Stability.


I anxiously await the call from Random House to publish my sensitively titled book: What Chicks Dig.


*Note: Not so insightful in the sober glow of daylight. But still.

Saturday Morning rules

Rule #1: The mailman is not allowed to ring the buzzer before 9 AM. Ya hear me? No deliveries before 9 AM! And that goes for anyone out there who's thinking about ringing my buzzer before 9 AM on a Saturday morning.

It's downright unAmerican.

And that's it. That's the only rule.


------------------------------------------------------------

So. Last night was interesting. I'm not even sure if I want to blog about it - I feel like blogging about it may somehow diminish the moment. Yet...I have a blog. I should say something about what happened. I guess.

A guy got shot last night in front of our bar.

In the shoulder. In the West Village.

We never saw the actual shooting - it happened in the street, away from the bar. It was the jarring experience of witnessing how others were reacting to the situation that really made the evening surreal.

An athletic black man in a sleeveless shirt and jeans stumbles to the door and collapses on the stairs outside, clutching his bleeding wound, looking more pissed and inconvenienced than hurt.

Commotion at the door. Some chick yelps. The door slams shut. The bartender cuts the music. Someone's been shot. Did anyone hear a shot? No one heard a shot. Someone's shot? Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1! I'm hopping up from my chair. One of the guys I'm with has grabbed his mini-CPR kit. I'm running through my head the basics of how to treat a shock victim. Not hearing a gun shot concerns me. It must have happened farther away. Stunned silence gives way to morbid curiosity. Some cooze assures her friends that its best to leave him outside because bringing him in is "bad for business." Her boyfriend verbally bitch slaps her. "Bad for business? There's a man bleeding on the steps! Who gives a fuck about anything else?" A spark of humanity.

A crowd of people stood and stared.

Give him room. Keep pressure on the wound. Keep his head above his heart. Elevate his legs. Keep him talking. Police arrive immediately. Props to the NYPD. Ambulance on the way. Everyone get back. He knew the guy who shot him. Doesn't know his name. He can describe him. Sirens wail. It happened down the street. He was on the way to the store. I'm wondering if he got shot over some dame. I'm wondering why I'm thinking in 1940s pulp terminology. I know the answer. Out comes a stretcher. The guy stands up and sits himself down on the stretcher. The evening resumes. A round of 'shots' for everyone, on the house. The gallows humor is lost on no one. The cooze and her friends leave. Her friends are looking at her a little differently now.

Everything's back to normal. But now we all know who we are.

Thursday Geek Out

The other night, I caught a late night episode of an old Justice League short from the swingin’ 60s which has one of my all time favorite Superman quotes ever.

Chasing an extra-terrestrial fugitive to Earth, evil aliens dispatch a “magno-missile” to our planet and pull the Earth out of its orbit (you could do that back in those crazy days). As the invading aliens prepare to attack, the ever-vigilant Justice League springs into action! Taking decisive action, Superman quickly barks out commands:


Superman: "Flash, you and the Atom take care of the magno-missile."

Flash: "Check."

Superman: "Hawkman, you take care of Valkar."

Hawkman: "There's no safer place than by my side."

Superman: "You hold off the invading army, Green Lantern. I'll go push the Earth back."

“I’ll go push the Earth back.”

I’LL GO PUSH THE EARTH BACK! Dude! Forget the fact that Green Lantern - in all his glorious bad-ass splendor - holds off an entire ARMY of alien invaders – Superman pushes the Earth back into its orbit. The entire planet Earth. And he says it so casually, like he’s taking out the garbage. Of course he’s going to push back the Earth. Of course. Duh.

How can you not love comic books and cartoons after that?!

And the best part: nobody thinks this is out of the ordinary. Like, the Flash never thinks, “Hey, pushing the Earth back, that sounds pretty hard.” Nope. He and the Atom rush off to destroy the poorly-named magno-missile. The Atom never even takes a moment to reflect on the insignificance of his powers next to the overwhelming might of Superman. Hawkman is cool just chillin’ with his new homey Valkor. Everyone just sort of plays along, as if baby-sitting some whiny alien refuge is the same as juggling planets. It doesn’t even occur to them that really, Superman doesn’t even need their help; he’s just giving them some busy work to keep them occupied. He wouldn’t want them to feel bad while, ya know, he pushes the Earth back! He’s just that kind of guy. It’s just one more of his many powers; the power of being super-cool.

And just because Superman is powerful enough to put ol’ lady Earth back in her place, don’t think he doesn’t know how to sweet talk the ladies. While doing what appears to be a super-hand-stand as he pushes the planet back into orbit, the Man of Steel grunts, “Don’t … fight me … Mother Earth.” That’s right, Earth. The Man of Tomorrow is just trying to do right by you. So let him do his thing so you can do yours, baby. He’s doing it for you, sugar. All for you. Shhhh. Don't fight it. Just relax. Shhhhh.

In the span of 90 seconds, the Earth is back in orbit, the alien army defeated, the galaxy is protected, and humanity has been saved once more. All thanks to … the Justice League. But mostly Superman.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to go push the Earth back.

Plugging along

I'm at the Tank tonight.

The Tank @ chashama is located at 208 West 37th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues.

That is all.

Rally Caps

All right boys...let's snap this losing streak. Let's get Johnny started on another 29-game hitting streak. Let's take back the 1st place spot in the AL East. We're down right now...and that's how we like it. Let's go out there and win one for ol' Lady Yawkey tonight!

In Loving Memory: 29 Games

You know it's not going well with a girl when ...

Actual conversation this evening at a bar, before a show:

Her: What did you say your name was?

Me: Benari.

Her: Bernard?

Me: Benari.

Her: Oh, Benard?

Me: Ben. Ari.

Her: Benard. That's so funny.

(slight pause)

Me: It's - -

Her: That's what we call my brother. His name is Ben, but we started calling him Benard and it just somehow became Benard from then on. He hates it.

Me: What was your name again?

Her: Libby.

Me: Oh, THAT'S funny. Because Dick Cheney's chief of staff's name is Libby - Scooter Libby - and I hate him.

Her: Oh, no, that's a different Libby. His Libby's on the other end.

Me: (thinking) I am never going to get laid again ever.

'F' the Train

Packed tighter than an e-bay shipment, our crammed train departed sans air conditioning this morning 17 minutes behind schedule and chugging along at a jerky pace slightly faster than a jog. Now, I have no idea why only one “F” train showed up in a 30 minute time frame – I can only imagine that some unforeseen occurrence caused a bit of a back-up and forced what was obviously the city’s most uncomfortable train to shoulder the heavy burden of transporting bleary-eyed New Yorkers to their Manhattan destinations this fine early-morning rush hour.

As we maneuver ourselves into the cars in Tetris-styled contortions, my vision begins to blur as I find myself covered in a bitter film of sweat, a salty sea of electrolytes flowing forth from my pores. Oh, the minor inconveniences we endure to enjoy the world's greatest mass transit system. Sigh.

To add insult to injury, we hapless straphangers jammed into the grimy walls of the overcrowded cars are forced to stare at the ineffectual claims from the transit authority that they’re working hard to improve subway service!

Just what I want to see as I'm being crushed by disgruntled New Yorkers and their overpowering aromas: a little man in a hard hat shoveling bullshit at me. The New York MTA: Shoveling bullshit for the next hundred years!

This is apropos of nothing, but...

Michael J. Fox was on Capitol Hill today, urging lawmakers to lift the President's 2001 restrictions on stem cell research. And it made me wonder:

Does anyone other than my mom refer to Michael J. Fox as just Michael Fox?

I don't know if she's just against using the middle initial on principle or if she thinks middle initials are pretentious ... I don't know. But every time she talks about him (surprisngly, rather frequently) she refers to him as Michael Fox. So there ya go.

----------------------------------------------

Special thanks to my buddy Baron and his very lovely friends Chanel and Bridget for a fun time at Galapagos last night. Following the show, a very heated and passionate debate over the nature of stand-up comedy and the value of art erupted. Hilarity ensued. Yes, alcohol was involved. Yes, I will refrain from posting our brilliant observations. But know this: they were BRILLIANT. Also, the L train is always more fun when you have the entire car to yourselves...

From the ol' notebook

Okay. So I don't actually have any old notebooks. Most of my comedy bits and set lists are scrawled on the back of bar napkins. As it should be. But, as I was trying to generate some new material, my thoughts drifted back to some of the old bits I used to do.

Wow whee.

Every once in a while, you need to dust off some of those old bits just to remind yourself of why you no longer do them. Here are some oldies but goodies* from the ol' vault. And yes, I actually performed these "jokes." Onstage. In front of an audience. Often, to laughter. The world was different then...

*please note: jokes may not be older than 5 years and they may not be "goodies." Mileage may vary. Some restrictions may apply. Not applicable in Montana.

"If the commerical goes, 'Don't push a friend, push a Push Pop!' then following the same logic, for a Blow Pop...."

"Watching a Beck's beer commercial and they have the tagline: 'Beck's. What Germans do best.' Now, I'm no historian, but when I think of what Germans do best, beer's a little further down the list. Maybe they should just be more accurate and change their tagline to: 'Beck's. What Germans do second best.'"

"I have a problem with bi-sexual girls. I know I should love them, but I can't. It's like they want to have their cake and eat it, too."


I'm doing a set tonight. None of the above material will be used. Details below.

Tuesday, July 12th @ 10PM

Galapagos
70 North 6th Street between Kent and Wythe
Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY

Drop by and say 'hi.' Uh, and let's never speak of those old bits again. I'm glad we had this talk.

Rove-ing reporters

It's not often you see the press colectively grow a sack. But it happened today. Maybe it's because now one of their own is sitting in a jail cell...

Via Raw Story, a partial transcript of today's White House press briefing:

QUESTION: Scott, can I ask you this: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?

MCCLELLAN: Again, David, this is a question relating to a ongoing investigation, and you have my response related to the investigation. And I don't think you should read anything into it other than: We're going to continue not to comment on it while it's ongoing.

QUESTION: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003, when you were asked specifically about Karl and Elliot Abrams and Scooter Libby, and you said, "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me they are not involved in this"?

QUESTION: Do you stand by that statement?

MCCLELLAN: And if you will recall, I said that, as part of helping the investigators move forward on the investigation, we're not going to get into commenting on it. That was something I stated back near that time as well.

QUESTION: Scott, this is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us, after having commented with that level of detail, and tell people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk.

You've got a public record out there. Do you stand by your remarks from that podium or not?

MCCLELLAN: I'm well aware, like you, of what was previously said. And I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation...

QUESTION: (inaudible) when it's appropriate and when it's inappropriate?

MCCLELLAN: If you'll let me finish.

QUESTION: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything.

You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke about Joseph Wilson's wife. So don't you owe the American public a fuller explanation. Was he involved or was he not? Because contrary to what you told the American people, he did indeed talk about his wife, didn't he?

MCCLELLAN: There will be a time to talk about this, but now is not the time to talk about it.

QUESTION: Do you think people will accept that, what you're saying today?

MCCLELLAN: Again, I've responded to the question.

QUESTION: You're in a bad spot here, Scott...

(LAUGHTER)

... because after the investigation began -- after the criminal investigation was under way -- you said, October 10th, 2003, "I spoke with those individuals, Rove, Abrams and Libby. As I pointed out, those individuals assured me they were not involved in this," from that podium. That's after the criminal investigation began.

Now that Rove has essentially been caught red-handed peddling this information, all of a sudden you have respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation.

MCCLELLAN: No, that's not a correct characterization. And I think you are well aware of that.

We know each other very well. And it was after that period that the investigators had requested that we not get into commenting on an ongoing criminal investigation.

And we want to be helpful so that they can get to the bottom of this. Because no one wants to get to the bottom of it more than the president of the United States.

I am well aware of what was said previously. I remember well what was said previously. And at some point I look forward to talking about it. But until the investigation is complete, I'm just not going to do that.

QUESTION: So you're now saying that after you cleared Rove and the others from that podium, then the prosecutors asked you not to speak anymore and since then you haven't.

MCCLELLAN: Again, you're continuing to ask questions relating to an ongoing criminal investigation and I'm just not going to respond to them.

QUESTION: When did they ask you to stop commenting on it, Scott? Can you pin down a date?

MCCLELLAN: Back in that time period.

QUESTION: Well, then the president commented on it nine months later. So was he not following the White House plan?

MCCLELLAN: I appreciate your questions. You can keep asking them, but you have my response.

QUESTION: Well, we are going to keep asking them.

And they did.

Random Fridays

Getting on the subway this morning (no dirty terr’st is gonna tell me not to take public transportation), I was comforted in seeing that an increase in the terror alert actually translated into an increase in visible security around the stations and in the subway cars themselves. So, I just wanted to extend my thanks to the NYPD and the entire NYC security team for an excellent response to a heightened threat level.

---------------------------------------------------------

Note to cute girls with cell phones:

We get it. You’re cute. This does not give you the right to keep your cell phone ring set to “ear-shattering.” Cell phones come with a volume control for a reason. Just because you’re cute, it doesn’t mean you’re exempt from social etiquette. Plus, your cuteness diminishes in direct proportion to how annoyingly loud your cell phone ring is. I’m glad you like the O.C. but we don’t all need to hear “California” every time Liz calls you to tell you she saw a hot guy at the mall.

----------------------------------------------------------

Looking over my stats meter, it looks like Lauren Bergfeld is pretty popular. And apparently, a lot of folks want to see her nude.

----------------------------------------------------------

For my Boston peeps: I’ll be at the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Saturday night. Drop by and say hi.

thoughts and prayers

"It is important that those engaged in terrorism realise that our determination to defend our values and our way of life is greater than their determination to cause death and destruction to innocent people in a desire to impose extremism on the world."

"Whatever they do, it is our determination that they will never succeed in destroying what we hold dear in this country and in other civilised nations throughout the world."

Prime Minister Tony Blair, July 7th, 2005.

Darn activist judges

So, if you don't like activist judges - that is, judges who vote to strike down Congressional laws - then you must not like judges like Clarence Thomas.

Now, I myself have no problem with so-called "judicial activism." If a law is unconstitutional or unjust, it is the responsibility of the Supreme Court to take action and strike down such laws. But some very vocal folks (who lean to the right) have long decried judges who are "activists." So, a Yale law professor and student have examined just who are the activists on the current Supreme Court. Here's what they found:

Since the Supreme Court assumed its current composition in 1994, by our count it has upheld or struck down 64 Congressional provisions. That legislation has concerned Social Security, church and state, and campaign finance, among many other issues. We examined the court's decisions in these cases and looked at how each justice voted, regardless of whether he or she concurred with the majority or dissented.

We found that justices vary widely in their inclination to strike down Congressional laws. Justice Clarence Thomas, appointed by President George H. W. Bush, was the most inclined, voting to invalidate 65.63 percent of those laws; Justice Stephen Breyer, appointed by President Bill Clinton, was the least, voting to invalidate 28.13 percent. The tally for all the justices appears below.

Thomas 65.63 %
Kennedy 64.06 %
Scalia 56.25 %
Rehnquist 46.88 %
OÂ’Connor 46.77 %
Souter 42.19 %
Stevens 39.34 %
Ginsburg 39.06 %
Breyer 28.13 %

One conclusion our data suggests is that those justices often considered more "liberal" - Justices Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, David Souter and John Paul Stevens - vote least frequently to overturn Congressional statutes, while those often labeled "conservative" vote more frequently to do so. At least by this measure (others are possible, of course), the latter group is the most activist.

I never cared much for rhetoric. I care even less for it when it's entirelyinaccuratee and devoid of any basis in reality. The idea that judicial activism is somehow inherently wrong is infuriating enough; the fact that judicial activism is actually practiced to a far greater degree by the most conservative judges is even more so. It's fine to disagree with an ideology. But make sure you're actually disagreeing with the RIGHTideology...

In the year 2012...

New York Bid Falls Short as London Is Chosen for OlympicsBy LYNN ZINSER
SINGAPORE, July 6 - In a surprising upset over front-running Paris, London snatched away the 2012 Olympics today, capping a comeback in a bidding race it seemed nearly out of just a year ago.

...

New York officials had been optimistic after their final presentation, which had many I.O.C. members expressing admiration for the combination sales pitch and emotional appeal based on New York's international flavor and economic power. The city's bid had also seemed to get a lift from the arrival of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton on Tuesday, who met dozens of I.O.C. members and seemed to charm her audiences.

But the bid seemed to have been damaged over the past months by a preoccupation with a proposed stadium on the west side of Manhattan, which suffered an embarrassing political defeat a month ago. New York's Deputy Mayor and bid organizer Daniel R. Doctoroff tried to regain momentum with a new plan centered on a stadium in Queens, but New York's effort failed to gain ground on Paris and London, long considered to be the front-runners.

Good thing we spent millions of dollars in public funding on a massive publicity and advertising campaign instead of...oh, say, putting that money into our public transit system or schools or our police and fire departments or security or something.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

Let's hear it for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!

Happy Birthday, America!!!

Celebrate the long weekend in style! I know I will.

In the meantime, in honor of our freedom, enjoy some uppity comedy from yours truly, taped in May deep within the bowels of Siberia.

It's split up in three sections, under my name - which they misspelled. Ah, fame. Will you always elude me? Oh, and uh, it's totally NOT work safe.

Click here to get to the funny.

...for my ally is the Force

No surprise here. I took a Star Wars personality quiz and (shocker!) I am most like Yoda:



Which means, I suppose, that I am insightful, wise, funny, powerful, philosophical ... and no one ever listens to me, even though I'm always proven right.

In case you didn't read it

June 28, 2005
The Speech the President Should Give
By JOHN F. KERRY
Boston

TONIGHT President Bush will discuss the situation in Iraq. It's long past time to get it right in Iraq. The Bush administration is courting disaster with its current course - a course with no realistic strategy for reducing the risks to our soldiers and increasing the odds for success.

The reality is that the Bush administration's choices have made Iraq into what it wasn't before the war - a breeding ground for jihadists. Today there are 16,000 to 20,000 jihadists and the number is growing. The administration has put itself - and, tragically, our troops, who pay the price every day - in a box of its own making. Getting out of this box won't be easy, but we owe it to our soldiers to make our best effort.

Our mission in Iraq is harder because the administration ignored the advice of others, went in largely alone, underestimated the likelihood and power of the insurgency, sent in too few troops to secure the country, destroyed the Iraqi army through de-Baathification, failed to secure ammunition dumps, refused to recognize the urgency of training Iraqi security forces and did no postwar planning. A little humility would go a long way - coupled with a strategy to succeed.

So what should the president say tonight? The first thing he should do is tell the truth to the American people. Happy talk about the insurgency being in "the last throes" leads to frustrated expectations at home. It also encourages reluctant, sidelined nations that know better to turn their backs on their common interest in keeping Iraq from becoming a failed state.

The president must also announce immediately that the United States will not have a permanent military presence in Iraq. Erasing suspicions that the occupation is indefinite is critical to eroding support for the insurgency.

He should also say that the United States will insist that the Iraqis establish a truly inclusive political process and meet the deadlines for finishing the Constitution and holding elections in December. We're doing our part: our huge military presence stands between the Iraqi people and chaos, and our special forces protect Iraqi leaders. The Iraqis must now do theirs.

He also needs to put the training of Iraqi troops on a true six-month wartime footing and ensure that the Iraqi government has the budget needed to deploy them. The administration and the Iraqi government must stop using the requirement that troops be trained in-country as an excuse for refusing offers made by Egypt, Jordan, France and Germany to do more.

The administration must immediately draw up a detailed plan with clear milestones and deadlines for the transfer of military and police responsibilities to Iraqis after the December elections. The plan should be shared with Congress. The guideposts should take into account political and security needs and objectives and be linked to specific tasks and accomplishments. If Iraqis adopt a constitution and hold elections as planned, support for the insurgency should fall and Iraqi security forces should be able to take on more responsibility. It will also set the stage for American forces to begin to come home.

Iraq, of course, badly needs a unified national army, but until it has one - something that our generals now say could take two more years - it should make use of its tribal, religious and ethnic militias like the Kurdish pesh merga and the Shiite Badr Brigade to provide protection and help with reconstruction. Instead of single-mindedly focusing on training a national army, the administration should prod the Iraqi government to fill the current security gap by integrating these militias into a National Guard-type force that can provide security in their own areas.

The administration must work with the Iraqi government to establish a multinational force to help protect its borders. Such a force, if sanctioned by the United Nations Security Council, could attract participation by Iraq's neighbors and countries like India.

The deployment of capable security forces is critical, but it alone will not end the insurgency, as the administration would have us believe. Hamstrung by its earlier lack of planning and overly optimistic predictions for rebuilding Iraq, the administration has failed to devote equal attention to working with the Iraqi government on the economic and political fronts. Consequently, reconstruction is lagging even in the relatively secure Shiite south and Kurdish north. If Iraqis, particularly Sunnis who fear being disenfranchised, see electricity flowing, jobs being created, roads and sewers being rebuilt and a democratic government being formed, the allure of the insurgency will decrease.

Iraq's Sunni neighbors, who complain they are left out, could do more to help. Even short-term improvements, like providing electricity and supplying diesel fuel - an offer that the Saudis have made but have yet to fulfill - will go a long way. But we need to give these nations a strategic plan for regional security, acknowledging their fears of an Iran-dominated crescent and their concerns about our fitful mediation between Israel and the Palestinians in return for their help in rebuilding Iraq, protecting its borders, and bringing its Sunnis into the political process.

The next months are critical to Iraq's future and our security. If Mr. Bush fails to take these steps, we will stumble along, our troops at greater risk, casualties rising, costs rising, the patience of the American people wearing thin, and the specter of quagmire staring us in the face. Our troops deserve better: they deserve leadership equal to their sacrifice.

John F. Kerry is a Democratic senator from Massachusetts.

Why? Did you just ask me why?

Why is Beauty and the Geek humiliating, insulting, and detrimental to all of geekdom?

Because Richard is the kind of geek that geeks hate. Richard is to geeks what Paul Wolfowitz is to Jews.

This is the type of stereotype geeks have been trying to shake off since Louis first guffawed waaaaay back when.

Richard is NOT a geek. He's a dweeb. He's a dork. He's a misfit. He's kind of an ass. And he's definitely a NERD. But a geek? Never. Geeks have some semblance of pride in being who they are.

UPDATED:

In the movie American Splendor, Harvey and his friend Toby are discussing the movie Revenge of the Nerds. Toby loves the movie because he thinks it gives nerds much needed dignity. Harvey hates it because he thinks that, ultimately, the movie is only funny at the expense of nerds.

And that's how I feel about Beauty and the Geek. I don't feel that the show is celebrating American geeks; instead, it lampoons them. Sure, there are some funny moments. But they're not laughing with us, they're laughing at us.

The whole concept hinges upon the idea that geeks can't be happy being geeks because geeks can't get girls. So, we'll give them a make-over, make them "normal," and hey, maybe even get them laid.

And what of the "beauties?" What do they get out of the experience? As far as I can tell, they get to meet smart guys who are set to make a lot of money. And - even better - they get to work on them, as their own pet project and maybe they'll even land themselves a loyal - and rich - future hubby.

It's a glorified geek make-over show, where geek carries an inherently negative connotation. If the show's ultimate message were 'be true to thyself," I'd have no problem with it. But the show's entire attitude is that if geeks want to fit in, all they need to do is just stop being so...geeky.

From the Department of Self Promotion

Dateline: Friday, June 24th!

If you happen to be passing through New York City this fine summer's eve, stop on by the Village Lantern to see me tell some jokes and entertain the fine young denizens of the West Village.

8:30PM
Sweet Paprika
The Village Lantern
167 Bleeker St. New York, NY

Then, if that's not enough to tickle your funny bone, pop on over to Juvie Hall at 10PM and see some of the most bizarrely surreal sketches this side of Salvador Dali.

Yo Quiero Pancakes
Juvie Hall
24 Bond St. between Bowry & Lafayette, New York, NY

Attention Lauren Bergfeld

Open Letter to Lauren Bergfeld, whom I saw for the first time last night on Beauty and the Geek.

Maybe you'll find this by googling your name or something. I dunno.

I just wanted you to know that you are cute and adorable.

I caught an episode of Beauty and the Geek last night on the WB and, while I think that this show is ultimately humiliating and bad for geeks, I did develop an instant crush on the bubbly, boisterous blonde from the South.

I know. The folks who know me are shocked. SHOCKED. And stunned.

Anyway. Look at her (the chick. in the chair. smartass):

Totally Cute. And. Adorable.

I was totally sad to see her leave the show last night (and with her, any reason for me to watch another episode), but on the plus side: she'll have some more free time on her hands to maybe travel a little. Maybe to New York.

And I hear she likes geeks. I'm just sayin'...

Can't. Stop. Quoting.

Ugh. Here are some more that should be noted...bonus points if you know where they're from. So many quotes...

"Oh, look! It's K-K-K-Ken. C-c--c-coming to k-k-k-kill me!"

"The horror. The horror."

"Get the buttah."

"What...is your favorite color?"

"There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you're money and that you want to party."

"(singing)Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!"

"It's waifer thin, sir."

"I'm in hell. When did I get here?"

"But then nobody's perfect ... almost nobody."

"My lip's bleedin', Burt! My lip's bleedin'!"

"Mickey mouse was a big dope!"

"I'm not dead yet!"

"Don't bury me...I'm not dead!"

"Thanks for the ride, lady."

"Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!"

"Automobile!"

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

"Wolfman's got nards."

"I'll give you a winter prediction: it's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life."

"No, wait. It's gotta be your bull."

"You're so money and you don't even know it."

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."



And there are more. So. Many. More. This is why lists are pointless. There's always another hundred quotes, just around the bend.

Some quotes they left out

My list is waaaay better than AFI's list.

Some folks over on this Comedy Study Kvetch Board thread are discussing the AFI's semi-decent-but-mostly-crummy-and-incomplete "Best Movie Quotes" list, adding their own quotes. Me, I hate lists. They always leave things out. But, today's Thursday. And on the Geek Council, coming up with the best movie quotes would be exactly the type of thing we'd do. So...

Here are some of my favorite quotes that were not included on AFI's list. Now. Since AFI already listed 100 quotes, there's no reason to repeat them here. Think of this as a personal addendum. These are simply additional quotes that should be noted...somewhere. In no way is this list complete. I know have multiple quotes from the same movies and I'm sure I left a bunch of your favorites out, but hey, that's just how I roll. These are just the first 100 quotes I thought of.

Some of these quotes are from classic movies, others are simply classic lines more akin to diamonds in the rough - great lines in otherwise forgettable films. Some are oft repeated lines in our pop culture that were conspicuously absent from this sort of list. All of these quotes are much beloved - and quoted - by yours truly. Which either means I am a beacon of pop culture or I have spent far too much time in front of the tv. Interpret as you will. In no particular order:

1. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back, 1980.

2. "You've got me? Who's got you?" Lois Lane, Superman: The Movie, 1978.

3. "I've been...working out." Clark Kent, Superman II, 1980.

4. "I want an Oompa Loompa now!" Veruca Salt, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, 1971.

5. "I'm your huckleberry." Doc Holiday, Tombstone, 1993.

6. "Come to me, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod." Zod, Superman II, 1980.

7. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride, 1987.

8. "Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes?" Indiana Jones, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981.

9. "Every man on that transport died. Harry wasn't there to save them, because you weren't there to save Harry." Clarence, It's a Wonderful Life, 1946.

10. "Luke. I am your father." Darth Vader, The Empire Strikes Back, 1980.

11. "Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be' - she always called me Elwood - 'In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me." Elwood P. Dowd, Harvey, 1950.

12. "Inconceivable!" Vizzini, The Princess Bride, 1987.

13. "Sorry we hurt your field, mister." George, A Hard Day's Night, 1964.

14. "I was born a poor black child." Navin R. Johnson, The Jerk, 1979.

15. "We're on a mission from God." Elwood, The Blues Brothers, 1980.

16. "I'm Batman." Batman, Batman, 1989.

17. "Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament. [time passes] Big Ben. Parliament." [repeat several times] Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's European Vacation, 1985.

18. "Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?" Chicolini, Duck Soup, 1933.

19. "Of course you realize, this means war." Rufus T. Firefly, Duck Soup, 1933.

20. "Eh, what's up, Doc?" Bugs Bunny, first uttered in A Wild Hare, 1940.

21. "It's the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man." Ray Stantz, Ghostbusters, 1984.

22. "Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say 'YES'!" Winston Zeddemore, Ghostbusters, 1984.

23. "There is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants, there's something wrong with us, there's something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us. We're soldiers, American soldiers!" John Winger, Stripes, 1981.

24. "I want my two dollars!!!" Johnny the paper boy, Better Off Dead, 1985.

25. "Two men enter, one man leaves." Auntie Entity, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, 1985.

26. "That's it man, game over man, game over!" Hudson, Aliens, 1986.

27. "He pulls a knife, you pull a gun; he sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That's the Chicago way." Jim Malone, The Untouchables, 1987.


28. "You really shouldn't shoot me, Johnny. My grandmother shot me once. Once!" Danny Vermin, Johnny Dangerously, 1984.

29. "We'd better get back, 'cause it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night... mostly." Newt, Aliens, 1986.

30. "I want this guy dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!" Al Capone, The Untouchables, 1987.

31. "I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you?" Tommy De Vito, Goodfellas, 1990.

32. "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light?" The Joker, Batman, 1989.

33. "The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride." Marsellus Wallace, Pulp Fiction, 1994.

34. "You...you're crazy. I like you...but you're crazy." Frank "the Tank" Ricard, Old School, 2003.

35. "Mr. Anderson." Agent Smith, The Matrix, 1999.

36. "'UTTIN' ON THE 'IIIIITZ!!" The Monster, Young Frankenstein, 1974.

37. "Bring out the gimp." Zed, Pulp Fiction, 1994.

38. "Excuse me while I whip this out." Bart, Blazing Saddles, 1974.

39. "Don't be schtupid, be a schmahty / Come and join the Nazi pahty!" Mel Brooks singing v/o, The Producers, 1968.

40. "The bible is a book. It's a good book, but it's not the only book." Henry Drummond, Inherit the Wind, 1960.

41. "Who is more foolish: the fool or the fool who follows him?" Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars, 1977.

42. "I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, 'I drank what?'" Chris Knight, Real Genius, 1985.

43. "A toast to my big brother George: the richest man in town!" Harry Bailey, It's a Wonderful Life, 1946.

44. "Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." General George Patton, Patton, 1970.

45. "What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket, 1987.

46. "Son, you got a panty on your head." Guy in a pick-up truck, Raising Arizona, 1987.

47. "You don't know the power of the Dark Side." Darth Vader, Return of the Jedi, 1983.

48. "Good, bad...I'm the guy with the gun." Ash, Army of Darkness (theatrical release), 1993.

49. "I am Jack's complete lack of surprise." uh, Edward Norton - I guess his character is called 'Narrator', Fight Club, 1999.

50. "Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?" Princess Leia, Star Wars, 1977.

51. "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." Lloyd Dobbler, Say Anything, 1989.

52. "Don't speak." Helen Sinclair, Bullets Over Broadway, 1994.

53. "I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!" Captain Renault, Casablanca, 1942.

54. "I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes." Dark Helmut, Spaceballs, 1987.

55. "Too late, Luthor. Too late." Superman, Superman II, 1980.

56. "If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh! Oh!" Drew, Office Space, 1999.

57. "These go to eleven." Nigel, This is Spinal Tap, 1984.

58. "The Dude abides." The Dude, The Big Lebowski, 1998.

59. "Help me. Help meeeeee!" Dr. Delambre, The Fly, 1958.

60. "Can she talk? Or does she just go 'thhhhhpppppbbbbbt'?" Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr (I looked it up!), The Man With Two Brains, 1983.

61. "Many Bothans died to bring us this information." Mon Mothma, Return of the Jedi, 1983.

62. "Bueller? Bueller?" Teacher (as played by Ben Stein), Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986.

63. "Say 'try' again, mother fucker! Say 'try' again!" Jules, Pulp Fiction, 1994.

64. "What a nice man. Of course he's Jewish." Lady at Niagra Falls, after Superman rescues a falling kid, Superman II, 1980.

65. "Never tell me the odds." Han Solo, The Empire Strikes Back, 1980.

66. "This is the West, sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the legend." Maxwell Scott, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence, 1962.

67. "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Santa Claus (amongst others), A Christmas Story, 1983.

68. "I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." Mr. Garrison, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, 1999.

69. "No dad, what about you? Fuck you. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. Dad, what about you? Fuck you." Bender, Breakfast Club, 1985.

70. "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum." Rowdy Roddy Piper, They Live, 1988.

71. "This is pure snow! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?" Charlie, Better Off Dead, 1985.

72. "Get your damn hands off her!" George McFly, Back to the Future, 1985.

73. "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Darth Vader, Star Wars, 1977.

74. "I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours." Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 1986.

75. Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb." Batman, Batman: The Movie, 1966.

76. "I kick ass for the Lord!" Father McGruder, Dead Alive, 1992.

77. "There is no spoon." Zen kid, The Matrix, 1999.

78. "Blue, you're my boy!" Frank "the Tank" Ricard, Old School, 2003.

79. "God. Do you even know your daughter? There's no way she likes that song. Oops, is she in a coma?" Barry, High Fidelity, 2000.

80. "No. Nooooo. That's not true. That's impossible!" Luke Skywalker, The Empire Strikes Back, 1980.

81. "I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel." Pee-Wee Herman, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, 1985

82. "So be it...Jedi." The Emperor, Return of the Jedi, 1983.

83. "I've seen the Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!!" Betelguese, Beetlejuice, 1988.

84. "Who's the master, Leroy?" Sho'nuff, Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon, 1985.

85. "I'd buy that for a dollar!" Robocop, 1987.

86. "It's their time. Their time, up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket." Mikey, The Goonies, 1985.

87. "So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it." Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, 1971.

88. "WOLVERINES!" Red Dawn, 1984.

89. "Yippee-ki-aye, motherfucker." John McClane, Die Hard, 1988.

90. "You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We all make mistakes. Of course, when we make mistakes they call it evil. When God makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So. Whaddya think? Women: a mistake ... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?! Daryl Van Horne, The Witches of Eastwick, 1987.

91. "In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock." Harry Lime, The Third Man, 1949.

92. "Why is it I can never get it on with the good guys?" Miss Teschmacher, Superman: the Movie, 1978.

93. "It's good to be the king." King Loius XVI, History of the World, Part I, 1981.

94. "Get off my plane!" President James Marshall, Air Force One, 1997.

95. "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies." Prissy, Gone With the Wind, 1939.

96. "I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television." Big Bird, The Muppet Movie, 1979.

97. "I must break you." Drago, Rocky IV, 1985.

98. "MISS TESCHMACHER!" Lex Luthor, Superman: the Movie, 1978.

99. "You wanna see something really scary?" Dan Aykroyd, Twilight Zone the Movie, 1983.

100. "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Banzai, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, 1984.

Aaaaaand, number 101, just because this should have been there in the first place:

101. "There can be only ONE!" Highlander, 1986.

Oh, the humanity!

Made from the stickiest stuff on earth...

I'm sure this was *snicker* disastrous for the people involved, but *snicker* it's...just...heh...so darned....FUNNY!

Giant Popsicle Melts, Floods New York Park

Bwa-hahahahahahahahaha!

An attempt to erect the world's largest popsicle in a city square ended with a scene straight out of a disaster film — but much stickier.

The 25-foot-tall, 17 1/2-ton treat of frozen Snapple juice melted faster than expected Tuesday, flooding Union Square in downtown Manhattan with kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground.

Firefighters closed off several streets and used hoses to wash away the sugary goo.

Snapple had been trying to promote a new line of frozen treats by setting a record for the world's largest popsicle, but called off the stunt before the it was pulled fully upright by a construction crane. Authorities said they were worried the thing would collapse in the 80-degree, first-day-of-summer heat.

"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."

Snapple official Lauren Radcliffe said the company was unlikely to make a second attempt to break the record, set by a 21-foot ice pop in Holland in 1997.

The giant ice pop was supposed to have been able to withstand the heat for some time, and organizers weren't sure why it didn't. It had been made in Edison, N.J., and hauled to New York by freezer truck in the morning.

Kiwi-strawberry flavored fluid EVERYWHERE! Great Scott!

And in case you missed the best quote from the story, here it is again:

"What was unsettling was that the fluid just kept coming," Stuart Claxton of the Guinness Book of World Records told the Daily News. "It was quite a lot of fluid. On a hot day like this, you have to move fast."

Best. Quote. Ever.

Spamming in tongues

So, I received some spam that insulted my manhood and implied that I may have a stamina problem in bed. Nothing out of the ordinary. What's weird is the strange collected gibberish that makes up the second half of the message. It's almost as if the spammers are trying to communicate in code.

"...trapped in a basement...send viagra immediately..."

It's like some bizarre e-mail possession. Does the Devil use herbal supplements? Maybe someone out there in internet-land can figure this one out. I can't wait to see what kind of google hits I'm gonna get after this post...

EXTRA-TIME - last 5-10 times longer!

This new doctor developed, herbal supplements,
allows users more control over ejaculation,
completely curing "Premature Ejaculation" and
other sexual dysfunction problems.

- Non-hormonal herbal therapy
- Acts locally on the sex organs
- Regulates process of ejaculation
- Acts through neuro-endocrine pathway
- Acts on the high centres of emotion in the brain

morose registration firemen annapolis curlicue liturgy cameo dance durkee raj doorstep dingy influence benedictine icy lawbreaker estuary fillet transitive gentle clockwork pragmatic barrette hegemony elite cougar decade view burden leave lydia pro rattail zagreb rubicund smithsonian whelk ceremony jockey hollerith grammar cosh embattle respect year slocum bauble spider bushel uganda yond smalltime insist bohr cobblestone warmth animism complaisant indium negate pappy facultative passerby effusion changeable conscript aphid abernathy attendee quota inflammatory correct quadrangular persevere adobe curricula valid

1985 REDUX

Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about now, but believe me you will when it's over. You will when it's over.

- Apollo Creed, Rocky IV, 1985.

Waaaay back in January, I waxed poetic about how the state of our pop culture in 1985 could be used as a pretty good indicator of what 2005 will look like. And here's the weird part: it's kind of coming true. Right down to the box office slump!

From The Beat(Emphasis mine):

Hollywood's box office woes continued this weekend, when BATMAN BEGINS took in $46.9 mil—$10 million below expectations. (MR. & MS. SMITH took in $50.3 mil over its opening weekend, by contrast.)

It was the 18th straight week that box office take was lower than last year, a slide unduplicated since 1985.

Our pop culture also reflects the call once more to global activism, as giant, global-charity concerts have re-emerged, thanks to Bob Geldof and his current plans for "Live 8" - a sequel to his *ahem* 1985 landmark Live Aid concerts.

So, for those who may have missed it, I'm re-posting an excerpt of my Nostradamus-like musings. It's not too late for us to rise to the challenge, just like Bruce Leroy did 20 years ago. And when the Shogun of Harlem stares you down and scoffs, "Who's the master, Leroy?" you can calmy glare at him and reply, "I am. I'm the master." Bask in my brilliance:

I think we need look no further than 1985 to give us a pretty good indicator of what 2005 holds in store for us. Just take a look at the top grossing movies and you'll get a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. Hell, look at ALL the movies from 1985.

1985. The year that gave us The Breakfast Club, Real Genius, Fletch, and We Are the World.

1985. The year when Marty McFly almost made out with his mom.

1985. The year when a rag-tag band of kids uncovered the treasure of One-Eyed Willy, stopped the bad guys, and saved their town.

1985. The year when John Rambo became our "worst nightmare" and Rocky Balboa avenges Apollo's death - while simultaneously defending America's freedoms - by taking on Ivan Drago. I don't need to tell you that Rocky's speech at the end ("...if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!") single-handedly ended the Cold War.

1985. The year when Harrison Ford witnessed Kelly McGillis naked.

It's the 80s all over again and we've gotta get...Back to the Future! Take a good look at what 1985 gave us, and then think about what you can do to take back 2005. And then I'll ask you again. Who is the Master, Leroy?

New and Improved, irony-free PBS

Courtesy of my good buddy and musical genius, Josh Kantor - a glimpse at the new, GOP-approved PBS:




Image - and more - can be found at The Ironic Times.

Good Wes Hunting

Salon (naturally) has a great interview with General Wesley Clark.

He is EXACTLY the kind of guy the Democrats need right now.

And when asked about the controversy surrounding Dean's recent comments, Clark's response was:

The more we can do to focus on the real issues that affect the voters, the more trust we'll gain from the voters. I think it's not too early now to begin the track record of laying out what the Democratic Party stands for, what we believe in.

We are, after all, a party of family values. We believe in the values that support families, like jobs and healthcare and education, and we've proved it. And without their concrete expression in effective policies, you can't support families.

Heh. A Democrat with Presidential aspirations who doesn't bash Dean? Wow.

There may just be hope for the future of this party after all.

Tell it like it is, sir.

Friday Night Pancakes

I'd just like to take a moment to plug tonight's 10 PM show at Juvie Hall, "Yo Quiero Pancakes!"

It's a sketch comedy show concocted by Kyria and Erik Seims and it will feature a super-special surprise guest appearance by ME!

Oooh. I think I just gave away the surprise. Hm. But you'll never guess that I'll be apeearing as SANTA! HA! Bet you didn't see that one coming, did ya? Um, but when it happens, um...could you please still act surprised?

Thanks.

Friday June 17th and 24th @ 10PM
Yo Quiero Pancakes
Juvie Hall
24 Bond St. between Bowry & Lafayette, New York, NY