should old acquaintance be forgot...

Image courtesy of the GCD.

my friends are comedians

Just wanted to point y'all over to the latest issue of The Comedians, in which four of my friends happen to be featured.

Four completely different styles, four vastly different perspectives, and so funny they make me jealous on a regular basis.

Baron Vaughn: An amazingly energetic and thoughtful performer. He will beatbox his way into your heart.
Ophira Eisenberg: the Vanilla Mistress with a heart of gold. And darkness.
Todd Levin: Finally. A funny Jew.

Tim McIntire: the guy who threw me up onstage for my first stand-up set. After getting me plastered. A real comic's comic.

Go. Read. Learn. Laugh.

A few quick things I learned over the holidays

• Everyone loves babies.

• Everyone wanted a GPS this year, apparently.

• Every radio station in Massachusetts plays some version of Winter Wonderland every third song.

• Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey isn't considered offensive?
  

• It is actually possible to watch Road House too many times.
  

winter of no content

Aaaaaand....

...we're back.

How've you been? You look well. Did you lose weight? Seriously. You look good.

No shows to pimp right now and between real life and some grad school burn out, posting's been light.

But I am alive and well. And I will make with the rambling again.

Kether.

retiring a joke

So, waaaay back in the halcyon days of 2000, a young-ish governor from Texas ran for President. And, as a young up-and-coming stand-up comic in Boston with a penchant for politics, I wrote a good number of jokes about then-candidate Bush.

I still do one of 'em, which likens W to Roscoe P. Coltrane from the Dukes of Hazzard.

Of course, if you do a joke for a lot of years and you never make it onto the TeeVee, well, you run the risk of someone else getting there first with a similar joke.

And after 6 years, it's finally happened. At least it's one of my favorite comics, Patton Oswalt. It's a different joke, but similar enough that I think it's time to retire my bit. It was a good run.

Luckily, Patton's bit is hilarious. Jumping the General Lee over the bill of rights? Awesome.

Below, you'll find the Patton clip from Comedy Central.

And after all these years, I'm finally crossing "Roscoe P. Coltrane" off my set list. Good bye, old friend.

If I played it...

...here's how I'd play it.

And play it. And play it...

Peter Boyle

I will always love him for being in one of the funniest scenes EVER put on film.

Easily one of my top 5 favorite screen moments of all time.




UPDATED:

Noah mourns his passing in the same way!!

Geekgasm

Attention Kevin:

Tricia Helfer redefines "skinjob" in next month's Playboy!

NSFW.

On a related note, the geekiest thing I did this week was to try to get tickets to tomorrow's free screening of Battlestar Galactica's mid-season finale on the big screen at the Sunshine Cinema in NYC.

I failed. My geek-fu is weak these days.

These are the jokes - the end is nigh

As the semester draws to a frightening close, here's the latest batch for the ol' joke packet.

Looking at the jokes now, it was kind of a dark week. And it's only Tuesday.

Punchlines in bold. Some restrictions apply. Mileage may vary.

Iran is hosting a two-day international conference dubbed “Study of the Holocaust: A Global Perspective,” an "impartial discussion of whether the Holocaust actually happened." This will be followed by Iran’s international conference on the Sun, entitled “Cancer Raygun of the Jews.”

Outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was in Iraq to bid farewell to the troops, saying he thought the military should stay in Iraq for the long haul, even though he was going home. The troops thought it might be better the other way around.

Senator Barack Obama made a huge splash in his first visit to New Hampshire and fueled talk of a 2008 Presidential run, with one man gushing, “I think his message of hope and optimism is exciting people.” The man added, “Too bad he’s black.”

An official report has revealed that the U.S. Secret Service was secretly bugging Princess Diana's phone, but that the secretly recorded conversations shed no new light on Diana's death. They do, however, shed light on the fact that Diana liked phone sex. A lot.

Richard Pryor (Dec. 1, 1940 - Dec. 10, 2005)

"When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, 'Richard, what do you see?' I said, 'I see all types of people.' The voice said, 'But do you see any n*gg*rs?' I said, 'No.' It said, 'Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any.'"

- Richard Pryor
Live on the Sunset Strip

*yeah, I used asteriks - I don't feel like getting hits by folks searching for the word.

"Love is the answer"

Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

Been a while

Oh. Hello. I didn't see you there.

So much I'd love to rant and rave about, but funny thing about graduate school...it's kind of time consuming.

As things slow down, I'll have more time to ramble. Until then, here are more jokes for the packet. Punchlines in bold. Special bonus visual aide!

Current U.N. Ambassador John Bolton has announced he will step down after his temporary appointment ends this year. Bolton’s supporters fear this now leaves the U.N. without proper porn ‘stache representation.





At a Phoenix airport, security guards are testing a controversial new x-ray device that reveals what people look like underneath all of their clothes. Officials are calling the device “The Britney.”

In a recent interview, Mel Gibson defended Michael Richards’ racial tirade by blaming it all on stress. Stress caused by the Jews.

Faced with public discontent, Wal-Mart has developed a wide-ranging new program intended to show that it appreciates its 1.3 million workers in the United States. As part of the new program, employees who work more than 40 hours a week will be allowed to live.

In Kansas, a gun-toting thief who tried to steal a pair of stereo speakers in broad daylight accidentally shot off one of his testicles. Armed robbery in broad daylight? That crook has ball.

Drunk the Halls

Holy shit.

You can smell the whiskey.

Danny DeVito shows up drunk to The View after an all nighter with George Clooney.

drowning in a sea of jokes here!

I know there's lots of shit going on in the world...

...and I have to keep writing jokes about it.

I know it's lame, but I'm busy. Okay? Stop looking at me like that!

Here's a handful of minty fresh jokes from me:

• Authorities closed down the Lincoln Memorial this morning after discovering a suspicious liquid. An embarrassed Lincoln statue had no comment.

• Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have filed for divorce. No word yet on who gets to keep the Hepatitis-C.

• Britney Spears spent Thanksgiving weekend club-hopping with Paris Hilton and caused a tabloid frenzy when she flashed the paparazzi her private parts several times. This marks the first friendship where Paris Hilton is known as “the classy one.”

• According to reports, Elton John abruptly left the stage during a weekend concert in Brisbane to throw up in the bathroom. Officials believe the nausea was caused when Elton John found out what his hair is really made of.

And here's one from the "What the frak is wrong with Colorado?!" file:

• A Colorado homeowners association has told one of its residents to take down a Christmas wreath shaped as a peace sign, because it's “divisive.” Association members feel that Christmas is hardly the time to make a volatile statement like "Peace on Earth."

Last minute plug

Need some relief after OD'ing on turkey, stuffing, and family?

Then head on out to the D-Lounge tonight for some late-night laughs.

TONIGHT!
Friday November 24th @ 10:30 PM
Sweet Paprika
D-Lounge * 101 E. 15th St.
Union Square East * NYC

5 lousy bucks gets you in.

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans!

In honor of the holiday, I give you all a special treat. From all the way back in 1987, I give you the insanity of the Marvel Universe float in the Macy's Parade.

A few special notes.

The theme from Back to the Future? Really?

After Dr. Doom gets beat down, is that metal dude supposed to be Ultron? It looks suspiciously like Robocop.

So, Cap frees Luke Cage and chains Dr. Doom? And then he makes Luke Cage clean up his mess? The hell?

What's the nefarious plot that Captain America is foiling here??

And where did Daredevil come from? Or the Green Goblin?! This float makes no sense!!

Thanksgiving, 1987 - Marvel style!

"Look! Up there! It's a clusterfuck!"

Via X-Entertainment.

KKKramer?

There goes Seinfeld's black following. You know, that one guy.

I don't know. They're going to have to come up with a new word for when beloved celebrities suddenly have bigoted and/or racist meltdowns.

These are the jokes - some more

The teacher provides the premise lines, we provide the punchlines.

Obviously, the big news was the election. And of course, Britney and Fed-Ex.

My punchlines in bold.

After last week's election, President Bush told Republicans that the next two weeks are going to be busy ones. “"We got a lot of papers to shred.”"

The Democrats don'’t take over the House and the Senate until January, so Republicans in the lame duck congress have said they have several weeks to try to get some things done. And by "things," they mean pages.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced, after their second baby was born only 8 weeks ago. Their third baby is expected to be conceived in a few weeks.

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said that Israel will not accept a nuclear Iran. Israel will, however, accept a peaceful Iran, a cooperative Iran, or the crater formerly known as Iran.

Political experts say that many Republicans are playing the blame game this week to explain their huge election loss. Number one on that list: the Gays.

Political experts say that now that Democrats control Congress President Bush is likely to use his veto pen a lot more. Normally, President Bush uses Mortimer, the Picture Pages Pen.

In a recent press conference, President Bush said he thought the Republicans were going to win so he shouldn't try "punditry." He also said America would have an easy victory in Iraq, so maybe he shouldn't try "Presidentry," either.

This weekend, the gay community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing is devoutly religious and believes that the Bible is very clear about homosexuality being a sin. The straight community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing was still alive.

SPECIAL BONUS - The alternate ending to that last joke:

This weekend, the gay community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing is devoutly religious and believes that the Bible is very clear about homosexuality being a sin. They were even more shocked to discover that Carol Channing has a vagina.

I know. Too soon.

These are the jokes - Comedy Be Not Proud

Haven't done one of these in a while.

Backstory: I'm taking a Late Night Comedy Writing class for my MFA program at Tisch. Blah blah meef braggity brag.

Last night's assignment, write a Top Ten list.

The subject: Top Ten Signs You Know You Lost the Election. Here are mine. Again, I'm not proud.

CUT TO:

Paul Shaffer, banging on the keyboard.

PAUL (singing): Top Ten! Top Ten! Top Ten Signs You Know You Lost the Election!

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU KNOW YOU LOST THE ELECTION:


10. The only person who RSVP’d to your victory party was Donald Rumsfeld

9. Not even your hot teenage page voted for you

8. John Kerry called, asked for his campaign strategy back

7. Black people’s votes were actually counted this time

6. Kevin Federline refused to make a sex tape with you

5. You get a condolence call from Mark Foley

4. Told supporters you thought those Katrina victims “got off easy”

3. Found out about it when you got a text message from Britney Spears

2. Got an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney

1. You were just asked to be the next Viagra spokesman

PAUL (singing): Top ten! Top ten! Top ten signs you know you lost the eleeeeeeeeec-tion!

"Thing ring, do your thing!"

1979.

Those were heady days. Especially for Hanna-Barbera toons. Throughout the 70s and into the 80s, Hanna-Barbera cartoons were zany, wacky, and made by people who were totally high.

How else can you explain why familiar icons were taken completely out of context and placed in inexplicable situations? As cheaply animated as possible, of course.

Suddenly, Fonzie from Happy Days has a time machine and a talking dog? Named Mr. Cool?! And they travel through history? How could kids not love it?

Laverne & Shirley get drafted into the US Army. And they have a talking pig - voiced by Horseshack - for a drill sergeant. Seriously. That won't completely mess up kids for life.

Gary Coleman's a guardian angel. 'Nuff said.

There are dozens of these cartoons - but one that has always baffled me is the incomprehensible Fred and Barney Meet the Thing.

They never actually meet, by the way. The show was essentially new adventures of the Flintstones jammed together with a solo Thing cartoon. Except, this wasn't the typical Thing kids knew and loved from the Fantastic Four. Nope. This was a teenager named Benjy Grimm. Because when you're a teenaged version, your name must end in a "y". And he would team up and solve mysteries and fight crime with other annoying teenagers! Yes! Who wants to see Dr. Doom and Galactus?

Here's the hook - little Benjy Grimm has these special rings, see? And when he slams them together, he transforms into ...



...the ever-lovin', blue-eyed Thing!

Just a side note, that transformation looks horrifyingly painful.

Why am I remembering this short-lived, bizarre cartoon? Because of the show's catch phrase.

While the Thing had a very recognizable catch phrase of his own - "It's Clobberin' Time!!" - this cartoon had another, even catchier phrase.

Whenever Benjy Grimm slammed his special rings together, he'd shout:

"Thing ring, do your thing!"

And for some reason, I've had this phrase going through my head for the past two months. I know not why. Even stranger, I hear a gruff, gravelly voice with a thick Brooklyn accent saying it.

Catchy, right? Go ahead. Say it. You know you want to. It's fun. And addictive. Try slipping this phrase into every day conversation. It's pretty handy in any situation.

Oh, Hanna-Barbera. You have forever warped my brain.

THING RING, DO YOUR THING!!!