ASB&R:TBW # 3: Are we there yet?

Okay. I might be the ONLY comic geek on the planet who has no strong feelings one way or the other regarding Frank Miller's All-Star Batman & Robin: The Boy Wonder. I don't think it's horrible and awful, nor do I think it's amazingly hilarious and wonderful. It's just sort of a comic book that's sort of fun to read.

I'll let others debate the merits of repeating the phrase "love chunks" 25 times or whether or not we're in on the "joke" or the butt of the "joke"...nor will I try to mind-read Miller's intentions and declare others to be complete morons for not getting it (whatever "it" might be). All I know is, Frank Miller has stated that this is kind of his Robin: Year One.

We're at issue three now. By the third issue of Batman: Year One, we had been introduced to Bruce Wayne, Alfred, Selina Kyle, Jim Gordon, Sarah Essen, and many others. We learned about Gordon's uphill battle against the corrupt Gotham police force, his impending fatherhood, and his shameful affair. We learned of Selina's beginnings as Catwoman. We learned of Bruce's parents' murder, his vow to fight crime and avenge their deaths, his dedication to justice, and several key events leading to him donning the bat outfit.

By issue three of Batman: Year One, Bruce Wayne had botched his first mission, learned from his mistakes, crafted a reckless and carefree playboy persona for Bruce Wayne as well as the shadow-y mythos of the Batman. He had taken on Gotham's corrupt officials, created alibis, and begun forging a friendship with Jim Gordon. In the third issue, Batman makes a spectacular escape from the swat team and he even saves a cat.

In only four issues of Batman: Year One, Miller created a definitive origin of the Dark Knight. He deftly and concisely intertwined the disparate stories of James Gordon and Bruce Wayne, clearly defined their characters and provided copious amounts of outstanding comic book goodness, complete with quiet introspection and loud 'splosions. Not too shabby for a comic book.

Now, as I said, All-Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder is on issue number 3. I won't make an issue-by-issue comparison of the two works because that's not fair and this isn't a "Miller's old stuff is better" argument. But it's issue three and Batman and Dick Grayson (he's not even Robin yet) are still sitting in the Batmobile.

And, having read the issue in question, I just have one request:

Will the goddamn Batman PLEASE get out of the goddamn batmobile and do some goddamn thing already?!

Thank you.

Me versus the machines

I refuse to be bested by a machine.

So, there's this website:
Guess the Dictator and/or Television Sit-Com Character

Here are the rules: Pretend to be a dictator or television sitcom character. I'll try to guess who you are by asking simple yes/no questions. If you're not sure of the answer to a question, answer "No". If you forgot who you were pretending to be, go take a nap, you're obviously under too much stress. Also, drink plenty of fluids.

I tried a few different ones, testing the waters, before I got clever. Guess after guess, it was getting them right. It even got Tootie.

It easily guessed Ralph Hinkley from The Greatest American Hero. Then I got a sneaky. I chose an obscure character who suddenly disappeared from tv without ever being mentioned again. Tricky. Or so I thought.

I win again! You are player number 12 to have chosen Chuck from Happy Days. I knew you were Chuck from Happy Days from the start, but I strung you along for a while to make it seem more sporting. I hope that one day you will overcome the powerful sense of humiliation that you now feel. Until then, good luck.

Chuck, Richie Cunningham's older brother who one day walked out the front door to play basketball, never to be seen or heard from again.

This thing was good.

But finally, FINALLY, I stumped it.

Captain Christopher Pike. It didn't know good ol' Captain Pike.

You won this time, puny mortal! And I fail again. I guess my parents were right, I'll always be a failure. I guess it's time to start looking for a new job.

Ha HA! Stupid machine.

This has been the highlight of my day. sigh.

dunked

Back from yet another Battle Assembly - that's what they call drill weekends now: Battle Assembly. Or BA. Pronounced "Bah" - at least, that's how I say it. So, playing Army is done for January. Yay.

But that's not why I called you all here today.

Every morning, on my way to the Reserve Center, I grabbed a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. I would grab a cup in the afternoon as well, on the way home. Because Dunkin Dounts had what I used to think was the best coffee on earth.

I looooove coffee. In fact, right now - as I type these very words - I am drinking freshly-brewed coffee from a giant Superman mug. It's enormous, three cups worth. If you ever visit my folks, there are always endless pots of coffee brewing in the kitchen. It's heavenly. In college, I worked at a coffee shop - first on campus and then in its main Newton shop. I was, what is pretentiously referred to as, a barista. I can appreciate a fresh cup of exceptionally rich and flavorful Guatemalan Huehuetenango or the mild body of a Dominican coffee...but there was just something special about a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. Maybe it's the simple elegance or its working class roots. Maybe they put crack in it. I don't know. All I know is, if I see a Dunkin Donuts and I don't have a cup of coffee in my hand...

Anyway, this past weekend, I stopped at no less than 5 different Dunkin Donuts chains and helped myself to a heapin' brew of their famous coffee. Usually, a medium Hazelnut with cream and sugar. And I have a message for the fine folks who make the important decisions: please make the coffee like you used to make it!!!

5 different cups o' joe and 5 different reactions. Two cups were old and stale-tasting, downright burnt and excessively bitter - what I expect Joan Crawford must have tasted like in her later years.

One cup carried an overwhelmingly chemical taste - I assume it came from whatever they were masquerading as their "hazelnut flavor shot." I think it was Windex.

One cup was far too bland, tasting nothing like the rich, smooth coffee I have come to expect from the Double D.

One cup, thankfully, was juuuust right and restored my faith in humanity.

A perfectly poured cup of fresh-brewed Dunkin Donuts coffee stokes the embers of hope that one day Dunkin Dounts coffee will retain its high quality in every chain, in every store across this great country of ours, bringing joy and caffeine to everybody, everywhere.

After pondering it some more, I realize what it is that makes a good Dunkin Donuts cup of joe. It's not simply the beans or the flavor shots or the minimum wage workers who may or may not spit in every third cup of coffee ... no. That special ingredient that makes Dunkin Donuts coffee so good is love. And when that love is missing, that coffee becomes just another scalding hot puddle of sludge in a styrofoam cup, burning the taste from your tongue and the joy from your soul. So step it up a bit, Dunkin Donuts coffee makers. Don't let the hard bean-picking work of those migrant workers go in vain! Make every cup of Dunkin Dounts' coffee the best damn cup of coffee in the world!


...because I have $1.86 left on my Dunkin Donuts gift card and I could really use a good cup of coffee right about now...

Wrath of Kong

Go see it. On the big screen. I mean:



Who DOESN'T want to see a giant ape battle a T-Rex? On the big screen. Even Pinkos wanna see THAT.

And Kong battles THREE of 'em! How Baroque.


Peter Jackson has crafted what is, in my screenwriting student opinion, a modern epic tragedy. If I may indulge in my grad school nerdery for a moment: in Ancient Greek tragedy, the audience members all knew the stories presented on stage. Part of what made the tragedies tragic was that everyone knew HOW the story ended; what they were witnessing in the tragedies were the choices that led to the inevitable outcome. In Peter Jackson's King Kong, he takes a modern American myth (that of 1933's King Kong), fleshes out the familiar story and truly captures Kong's tragedy. When he leaps to Ann Darrow's defense in the savage jungle of Skull Island, the audience cheers. When he beats his chest in triumph after brutally slaying prehistoric creatures, the audience roars with approval. When Kong sits shackled, pathetic and humiliated in chains on the Broadway stage, the audience pities him. And when he grasps Anne in his paw and makes his way fatefully through the streets of New York City, the Empire State Building looming ominously in the distance, the audience shudders with recognition of the inevitable tragic outcome. We know how the story ends.

As Kong sits quietly atop the gleaming skyscraper, admiring the majesty and beauty of the Big Apple with Ann by his side, we shake our heads in anticipation of what's to come. The familiar buzzing of the bi-planes alerts us of the final danger and as they zoom around the corner of the Empire State Building, we know we're witnessing Kong's last stand against civilization.

Epic. Tragedy. Starring a giant monkey.

It's the ultimate GUY Chick-Flick. Kong should never have left the island, where he was king. But, alas, he lets his love for the blonde lead him to disaster. Poor dude gets himself killed over a pretty lady. As Denham so succinctly puts it: "It was beauty killed the beast."

You can tell a lot of love and care went into making this movie. BUT. I still prefer the original.

WHAT?

Yeah, you read that right. This new Kong has some flaws (didn't need that much backstory for EVERY minor character), but it's an excellent film. But it's missing that one essential: the re-watchability factor. As beautiful as it is, I don't think the new Kong will be all that re-watchable. Oh, sure. Some parts will be re-watchable - they could probably put out a special DVD called "Kong fights dinosaurs, plays with Naomi Watts on the ice and then gets shot by planes atop the Empire State Building" - but overall, it's one of those films where once you see it, you've seen it.

Whereas I could watch the original over and over and over again. In fact, my sister got me the special edition King Kong DVD and I've already watched it a bunch of times. For all it's goofiness and dated content, the original still holds up. Its concise script, its brisk pace and sharp characters make the original a classic. Plus, the jerky, stop-motion claymation Kong carries a certain charm - it has an unreality about it that makes it almost more believable. In the original, Kong is neither man nor monster. It's THAT kind of unreal look that captured my imagination as a kid and still excites me today. In the new one, he's literally a giant gorilla. Kong is almost too realistic looking in Jackson's King Kong, which somehow takes away from the fantastic element that made the original so unique. The original has a quaint feel of making magic, whereas the new one just looks like slick CGI.

Also, Jackson's movie really focuses on the love between Ann and Kong, which is beautiful and lovely and sweet. But it lacks sexual chemistry. I know that sounds weird, but we're talking King Kong here. The original was ALL about sexual tension, a giant beast lusting after the beautiful blonde bombshell. There's no sex in Jackson's movie; it lacks the intensity that only sex provides, and because of that, Kong's relationship with Ann is sweet and tender without being passionate.

So, in conclusion, you should all see the new King Kong on the big screen. It's epic and beautiful... but you really only need to see it once.

Then, watch the original a few times and remember that movies can also be fun.

Plus, Fay Wray was hot.

Nothing to say, but it's okay...

Hm. So far, 2006 doesn't seem to be off to the best start.

Let's, uh, let's get to work on that.

another year older...

When I started this blog thing a year ago, I made some New year's resolutions. Let's see how I did.

1. I resolve to do something important this year.

Check. I think. maybe. No, definitely, I did something important this year.

2. I resolve to kiss a pretty girl this year, for no other reason than I find her to be pretty.

Check.

3. I resolve to make someone laugh this year.

Check.

4. I resolve to do something surprising.

Check. Hello, grad school.

5. I resolve to come up with better resolutions next year.

Hmmm...not so much. I'll have to work on that one for next year.

New resolution:

I resolve to continue taking chances.

And I will try to not feel silly for having a blog.

and the countdown begins

May your New Year be filled with peace, happiness, and success.

It's gotta be better than 2005, right?

Here's to good things in 2006. Lots of mazel.

...water...

Know what happens when guys in hard hats work on a busted water main outside your apartment?



You end up with no water!



Curses.

*Thanks to the GCD for the cover image.

Chappy Cholidays

Happy whatever it is you celebrate!

Quizzes never lie

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's...me! Don't mean to brag, but...

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 100% Spider-Man 90% Green Lantern 80% The Flash 65% Robin 60% Supergirl 60% Hulk 60% Iron Man 55% Batman 50% Wonder Woman 45% Catwoman 30%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Merry Christmas poor people!

Yay! We're gonna shave 2.5 percent off of the 1.6 TRILLION dollar shortfall by screwing old folks and students! Yay!!!

The Republican-controlled Senate passed legislation to cut federal deficits by $39.7 billion on Wednesday by the narrowest of margins, 51-50, with Vice President Dick Cheney casting the deciding vote.

The measure, the product of a year's labors by the White House and the GOP in Congress, imposes the first restraints in nearly a decade in federal benefit programs such as Medicaid, Medicare and student loans.

Because, you know, that's where all the wasteful spending is...

By themselves, the deficit cuts included in the five-year bill would amount to only 2.5 percent of projected shortfalls totaling $1.6 trillion over the same time frame. Republicans said the significance lies in more than mere numbers, adding that programs such as Medicare and Medicaid threaten to consume an unsustainable amount of federal revenue if their growth is not trimmed quickly.

Home health care payments under Medicare would be frozen at current levels for a year under the bill, Medicaid regulations would be changed to make it harder for the elderly to qualify for federal nursing home benefits by turning assets over to their children.

Lender subsidies are reduced as part of an attempt to squeeze $12.6 billion from student loan programs. Another provision raises $3.6 billion for the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corp., the federal agency that protects certain pension plans. The money would come from an increase in the premium employers pay for each covered worker or retiree, and from a fee on companies that end their pension plans.

So, the government is squeezing pennies from students who desperately need all the money they can get (*cough*) and forcing employees to pay a HIGHER PREMIUM for reduced pension benefits...

Thanks GOP! You really ARE a Grand Old Party!

Merry f*#@in' Christmas!

holiday (re-)hash

Finishing out my first semester of grad school, I suddenly realize that 2005 is almost over.

And, in the interests of trying to keep this blog updated (and failing), I am posting a link to an April post of mine, in honor of new buzz surrounding (yet again) the planned Watchmen movie. Since the upcoming movie will most likely never live up to expectations (if it even gets made), I've decided to remain positive and celebrate the wonder of what could be a Watchmen musical, as written by me. And Ross.

Enjoy.


Watchmen: the Musical!

Oh, Johnny

IN MEMORIAM
2002-2005

plugging away

End of the semester for me, which means lots of writing, very little blogging. How will any of you survive?

For those in the NYC area on Monday, come see me do a tight 7-minute set at Stand-Up NY.

Monday, December 19th @ 9PM
Stand-Up New York
236 West 78th Street, New York City

And don't worry; the trains should all be running on time because the current unions are pussies.

You know why the MTA won't change their offer? Because the unions set a deadline of midnight last night and then...they blinked. They extended the deadline. And when they caved before getting any of their demands met, they lost.


Now, I pay $76/month for an unlimited metro pass. And I certainly want the subway to run smoothly, my service uninterrupted. But I gotta say, the unions really let me down here. Shutting down the city's transit system, that's a display of power. That's the ultimate trump card, the: "we run this city, don't fuck with us" bargaining chip. When they called off the strike, they sent another message to the MTA: we don't have the balls to call your bluff. The MTA is also winning the PR war, as their commuter-friendly contingency plan demonstrates. And so, the MTA will win this argument. The union lost all credibility and, even worse, displayed their utter lack of conviction. Sad, really.

Oh, well. At least I can still ride the train. Yay.

Richard Pryor (1940-2005)

Richard Pryor, the caustic yet perceptive actor-comedian who lived dangerously close to the edge both on stage and off, died Saturday. He was 65.

Pryor died shortly before 8 a.m. of a heart attack after being taken to a hospital from his home in the San Fernando Valley, said his business manager, Karen Finch. He had been ill for years with multiple sclerosis, a degenerative disease of the nervous system.

"Fuck'n is good for you, jack. Gettin' some pussy beats having a war." -Richard Pryor

who ya gonna Call?

The BENARI multi-media extravaganza continues! Tonight, I'll be appearing on NY1's The Call at 9 PM, for all you New Yorkers out there. Our own Danny Newbower will also be on. So definitely tune in. You don't wanna miss what is sure to be a spectacular train wreck!


Basic cable news will never be the same.

we all shine on

Tonight! Tonight only!

You can hear me live at 10 PM on WBZ, 1030 AM. I will be the resident Beatles expert on The Paul Sullivan Show, as we discuss the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's assassination.


Tune in, call in, and shine on.

imagine

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

John Winston Ono Lennon
Oct 9, 1940 - Dec 8, 1980

I don't speak gibberish

The hell?

What is this? Anyone speak French? Can anyone out there translate this perhaps?

What kind of a crazy list am I on here?

And why? Dear God, WHY?!

Monkey Pimpin' Daddies

Great Caesar's Ghost! It's BIG MONKEY COMICS! Washington, DC and nearby Fredericksburg, Virginia will never be the same!

Check out their online website.

SEE:

Comic book reviews, blogs, and fan forums!

HEAR:

Your favorite Super Hero-themed songs on Big Monkey Radio!

BUY:

Comics online! Or visit them in person at their real world locations and talk to real live human beings!

Run by DC lovin' Scipio and Seven Hells dwellin' Devon, Big Monkey Comics is sure to be a blast. Go support those comic book lovin' fools!


Speaking of which...

ROCKYSHIP DOWN

Thanks to the fine folks at Rocketship for another fun evening of Q&A with Swedens's own Martin Kellerman. Congrats Alex and Mary! Nice turnout, interesting discussion and a unique look at the distinction between the American comic book market and oversees markets. And, it introduced me to the world of Kellerman's Rocky, which I will be checking out more of, in the near future.

Oh, and I met more actual real live people who usually lurk 'neath the icey depths of the dark and mysterious internet. Lookin' at you, Joe. Weird. I thought bloggers didn't actually exist. Maybe I'll run into the Easter Bunny today...