pocket change

An open letter.

TO: The U.S. Congress

RE: Planning to spend $20 Million on an Afghanistan/Iraqi War Victory Party

To Whom It May Concern,

Screw you.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen-Soldier

it's already Friday?!

October 6th? What? How does that happen? How can this be? I'm losing weeks at a time here, folks!

If only it were some sort of alcoholic blackout - at least I'd know I had fun during THOSE lost days. Alas, no. Alack. Does anyone even use the word alack anymore? The answer is, of course, I'm a geek.

Writing's been keeping me pretty busy - funny how one does not feel like updating a blog when one spends every waking hour writing.

So, in lieu of any actual content, I give you:

Pets in Halloween Costumes!!

While I remain morally opposed to dressing up animals for our own delight and amusement, I must admit that pets dressed up as Super Heroes are adorable. And dressed as characters from Star Wars? Too...cute...for words....must not look....

I mean, Doggie Leia, people:

Doggie Leia!!!

May the Force be with us all.

ACK!

Spiritually cleansed, but buried under an ever-growing pile of work. So here's a fun little link - via Rich Johnston - to the Merry Marching Marvel Society's 1965 raucous record!

click here for a very special message from the MMMS!

Excelsior!

These are the jokes - week 2

This week's assignment, jokes for the Daily Show. They all needed to be based on one news story from the New York Times. I chose the one about the President speaking before the UN

"Hey! Did you hear the one about the ...?" Ugh.

Here are my 5 attempts.

JOKES – WEEK 2

In his UN address, President Bush told Muslims he is not waging war against Islam, regardless of what they hear ... from him.

During his UN speech, President Bush told Iranians that their country was in danger because “your rulers have chosen to deny you liberty and to use your nation's resources to…fuel extremism and pursue nuclear weapons.” He added, “Wait, sorry. That’s MY country.”

President Bush tried to quell anti-Americanism in the Middle East, stating “My country desires peace.” He emphasized his point, saying: “Any country that doesn’t understand we want peace is gonna get bombed back to the Stone Age!”

The President took a moment to address the Iraqis directly in his UN speech, telling them: “We will not abandon you in your struggle to build a free nation.'' He continued, “No matter how much freedom we need to destroy in THIS nation.”

Speaking before the UN, President Bush assured Muslims he is not waging a war against Islam. “And I don’t care how many Islamic countries we need to bomb to prove it.”

Head of the Year

Offline for most of the weekend, so let me wish all my Chosen Peeps a Happy New Year!

Heck, I'll wish EVERYONE a Happy New Year!

Nothing like some Rosh Hashanah cheer.

Praise the Lord and pass the kugel!

Too Soon

Still no cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith's son.

How about: embarrassment.

This is only funny if you know who Rick Jenkins is.

This is Rick Jenkins.

For over ten years, he has helped guide the next generation of comics from high atop the Kong at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square, providing opportunities, advice, and stage time for Boston's brightest future comedy stars.

Last April, Rick celebrated The Comedy Studio's 10th anniversary.

As a comic who started out pretty much started out when the Studio did, I watched that club develop and grow over that 10 year span. And I saw Rick host a lot of shows.

Rick graciously invited me to perform on one of the anniversary shows. I accepted.

Here, now, is that set - my tribute to the Godfather of Boston Comedy, Mr. Rick Jenkins.

Be warned - this clip is only funny if you know and love Rick. It also contains very naughty language.

Very, very naughty language. And some shaky video. Sorry 'bout that.

return of the brilliant quote

Don't know what made me think of this quote. Wandering around, looking for an ATM. In Chinatown.


"Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."

- Lawrence Walsh
(Joe Mantell)

Chinatown.

Written by Robert Towne, with an uncredited assist from Roman Polanski.

Rumor has it that Towne had written an upbeat, happy ending but Polanski insisted on a tragic one, sparking many heated arguments. In the end, Towne finally admitted that Polanski probably got it right.

These are the jokes, people.

Is this thing on?

As we all know, I'm in grad school for dramatic writing and one of my classes this semester is Writing for Late Night.

Every week, we have to write topical jokes and turn them in by Saturday. And hey, it just so happens that joke writing coincides with my other life...and I need content for this blog thingy here, so birds and stones. Am I right, folks?

Anyway, all of this is a long, rambling preamble-y way of saying that every Saturday, I plan to post my humble little jokes for your edification and possible amusement.

Feel free to rip 'em to shreds or bust a gut or whatever it is you kids do these days.

This week's assignment was to write up 5 potential monologue jokes for Conan O'Brien and 1 Emmy monologue joke.

Here's this week's batch:

• Katie Couric had the No. 1 newscast ratings Tuesday until the end of the week on Friday, but, as the New York Post reported, her ratings fell by almost half during that time… when viewers realized they were watching Katie Couric.

• Colin Powell sent a letter urging the administration to put an immediate end to its interrogation program, calling it cruel and inhumane torture. Powell then sent the exact same letter to Fox’s “Celebrity Duets.”
  

• Pope Benedict XVI sparked controversy the other day when he quoted a medieval Emperor who said that Muhammad was “evil and inhuman” and that he “spread by the sword the faith he preached." The Pope went on to angrily preach against the Islamic faith without any trace of irony whatsoever.

• After Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s tragic death at the barb of a stingray, Australians have responded by killing over 20 stingrays in revenge attacks. In keeping with current foreign policy, the US has announced it will also retaliate…by attacking baby seals.

• The Casbah Coffee Club, created in 1959 in the basement of drummer Pete Best’s Liverpool home, has gained protected status by the British government for its important historical significance to the Beatles. Pete Best’s significance to the Beatles remains largely ignored.

EMMY joke:

• It’s nice to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus nominated for best actress in a comedy series. Of course, all her competitors in that category are from cancelled shows…I hope this isn’t CBS’ way of breaking the news to her.

Thanks, Mo!

According to Mo, I am number 35 on the "Top 40 blogs by and for comedians." Cool. Very, very cool. And I don't even really know Mo, making Mo all the more awesome.

The only thing cooler would be to reach number 9. Or snag an HBO special. Either/Or, really.

If you'd like to see the internet's number 35th-ranked comedian blogger, come on out tonight to Union Square in NYC!

TONIGHT!
Friday September 15th @ 10:30 PM
Sweet Paprika
D-Lounge * 101 E. 15th St. Union Square East * NYC
5 bucks gets you comedy

your stupid comments will end up on my blog

I'm buying my coffee this morning and I very clearly order a medium coffee. A very sweet-looking old lady stands next to me. She walks away from the counter and as our eyes meet, she says to me:

"Are you a latte-lapping liberal?"

And then she cackles.

I reply: "Nope. I'm drinking a regular coffee."


I'm not quite sure what prompted this...attack? Attempt at ironic conversation? Descent into dementia?

Do I look particularly liberal? Maybe she reads my blog.

I'm also not sure how it's exactly an insult...if it even was an insult. Maybe it was code, like how Communists would greet each other with "Fellow traveler."

What would the opposite be? A coal-crunching conservative?

Many questions. Fewer answers. I'm going to drink my coffee now.

Sumatra blend. Cream and sugar. With a sprinkle of cinnamon.

But that doesn't easily lend itself to a concise clever comment, pithy pronouncement, or an alliterative aside.

Calling Law & Order: SVU

It's a tabloid fantasia!

Anna Nicole gives birth to a future trailer park mom! But tragedy strikes, as her son mysteriously dies!

Anna Nicole Smith found her 20-year-old son dead three days after she gave birth to a girl.

Authorities have not determined what killed Daniel Wayne Smith, whom Smith discovered unresponsive Sunday in the private Doctor's Hospital in Nassau, Bahamas, reports TMZ.com.

"Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being," says a statement on Smith's Web site.
Daniel was in the Bahamas with Smith, 38, when she gave birth to a 6-pound, 9-ounce girl at the hospital Thursday, according to her Web site.

He is the son of Anna Nicole and Billy Smith, whom she married in 1985 when she was 16 and he was 17. They divorced two years later.

She has yet to name the father of her baby girl, though there has been much speculation that it is Louisville native Larry Birkhead, an entertainment journalist.

A note on Birkhead's Web site said he had "absolutely no comment" on the birth.

Let me repeat that last bit:

She has yet to name the father of her baby girl

If I were on Law & Order: SVU, here's what my theory would be:

Anna Nicole's son is the baby's daddy.

Unable to deal with the shame, he drowns his sorrows in booze and pills...leading to his untimely demise.

SHOCKING!

Anyway, that's my Law & Order theory...

5 years later

and suddenly it was September

Back in school, back in the city, already overwhelmed with work.

Jeez...being in an intense writing program sure does make one less likely to indulge in the whole blogging thing.

Anyway, here's a little birthday gift sent to me via the comments from Randy.

Yes. Lazy post. Meef.

29

Born today:

King Alexander III of Scotland (1241), Wanli, Emperor of China (1563), John Dillon(1851), Paul Harvey (1918), Dick York (1928), Mitzi Gaynor (1931), Damon Wayans (1960), Mike Piazza (1968), Beyoncé Knowles (1981), Beetle Bailey (1950), and the Edsel (1957)!


And, in 1977...

Me.

Mel Gibson Apology Redux - Variant Edition * NOW IN COLOR!

Such a busy week, I'm afraid I don't really have time to keep up my cyber presence. But will I let you, my faithful reader* go without new content? I see thee nay!

So, instead of an all-new post, I'm going to try something a little different. I'm putting up a repeat post (from a few weeks ago)...

BUT!

This one's a special ultra rare collector's item variant edition! Director's Cut! With special features!!

Boy, I sure am getting a whole lot of mileage out of this whole "Mel Gibson hates Jews" thing. As a Jew, it troubles me deeply. As a comic, I am exceedingly grateful.


Read on...

Wow. Mel Gibson sure was serious when he said he would reach out to the Jewish community and ask for forgiveness. Look what he's sending out to every single Jew in the world, ever**:

Dear Jew,

I'm sorry!

Please accept my sincerest regret that you will spend eternity in Hell.

Your Pal,

Mel

I got mine this morning. Pretty sweet. Good ol' Mel will have things patched up with the Jews in no time!

*Ross

**Yes, there is a list of all the Jews in the world, ever. It's for, um...research.

***This was based on Ross' brilliant idea.**

***SPECIAL BONUS MEL GIBSON MATERIAL***

Here's the Mel Gibson bit I've been doing onstage:

What happened with Mel Gibson? He went from zero to crazy in two beers. he wasn't even being pulled over for being Anti-Semetic! The cop pulls him over and Mel just goes nuts. "Do you know who I am? I hate the Jews, that's who I am!!" Guy ruined his career.

...which is exactly as the Jews planned it.

movin' on up.

Last two shows have been fantastic, finished the first draft of a full-length play, and I'm moving to a new apartment this week. Indeed, I shall soon be a city boy.

So, it's been a tad bit busy. But on the plus side:

I'm movin' on up!

comedy (again) tonight!!

9:30pm: Laughing With the Enemy - $10

From the Left:
Dean Obeidallah is a Palestinian-Italian-American, the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, a frequent guest on Air America Radio and the winner of the "Spirit of Bill Hicks Award."


Benari Poulten is a former Congressional Aide, a former almost-child-star, and a former field coordinator for the Kerry campaign, and sometimes, he's a Staff Sgt. in the US Army Reserve.

Katie Halper is a walking stereotype: the female comic who jokes about judicial nomination processes and economic stratification. She's also a native Upper West Sider, where 'liberal' is a conservative word.

From the Right:
Robert George is a Catholic, West Indian black Republican. He's also a stand-up comedian...and an editorial writer for The New York Post.

Julia Gorin has appeared on "Politically Incorrect" and a number of Fox News shows (of course!). She was profiled in the book South Park Conservatives, and her jokes appear in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Jokes.

Dave Rosner: U. S. Marine Veteran (First Gulf War and Iraq), Comedian, Jew. He's been a Commentator on The Comcast Network and acted on MTV, Man Cow Radio Show and on Australian TV in sketch comedy, network drama and commercials.

9:30PM
$10!!!!
45th Street Theatre
354 West 45th Street
(Between 8th and 9th Ave)

Call: 1-800-838-3006
Click here for tickets:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/5819

Make sure you select the 9:30PM show!!

"The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes."

For anyone following Who Wants To Be A Superhero?...a eulogy.

I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts:
I am no orator, as Scipio is;

simply click here and choke back the tears

O! now you weep, and I perceive you feel
The dint of pity; these are gracious drops.

Has ever a reality show before inspired such poetry?

background music

Lots of writing this weekend.

Which means iPod shuffle! Here are the last 10 songs:

Country House - Blur

I remember hearing this song years and years ago - right when this album came out - late one night on college radio. The song stuck in my head, but no one had heard it or knew what I was talking about. This was long before Google brought every scrap of information ever right to your brain instantly. I had to actually hunt down this song and figure out who the hell this British-band-that-was-not-Oasis was! Using only my weak powers of imitation and near-ability to carry a vague tune. I finally found some music geek who figured out I was talking about Blur. Then the song became kind of a hit. And then Blur had Song #2 and everyone knew Blur. Woo. Hoo. This is still my favorite Blur tune.

Serial Killa - Snoop Dogg

'Sup, fool. I totally dig Snoop Dogg. I just love 'im. This either makes me incredibly cool or incredibly white.

Ain't That A Shame - Fats Domino

Fats Domino - the Snoop Dogg of the 1950s? Discuss.

Fine Again - Seether

One Hit Wonder! Very catchy pseudo-angsty alterna-shite.

Oliver's Army - Elvis Costello

"Oliver's Army is in my head!
Can't get the tune out, it's stuck in my head!"*

*To the tune of "Oliver's Army"...of course.

Valouria - Pixies

Bossanova. Better album than Surfer Rosa? Discuss.

For No One - The Beatles

This is one of the most elegant songs ever written. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Revolver. Better album than Sgt. Pepper? Discuss.

Funky Fresh Dressed - Missy Elliot

Is there a better, all-around hip-hop artist?

Just having Missy Elliot on my iPod makes me that much hipper. I also realize that the above statement makes me that much less hip.

Truth Doesn't Make a Noise - The White Stripes

This gritty, bluesy, moody, hard-edged song is from De Stijl, the great and underrated album before their breakthrough White Blood Cells album.

Love this album. Love this band. You can say whatever you want about her limited abilities as a drummer - or lack thereof - but this is still a great band. Just admit it already.

Ready To Go - Republica

I feel like I'm in a Gap commercial. Didn't they use this song in a Hyndai ad?

This is the original mix, which starts with a cool soft piano intro before easing into the thumping house beat...wait, I have Republica on my iPod?!


******BONUS SONG PLAYING RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE THIS******

Black Hole Sun - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé!!!

This fantastic lounge version is from the inconsistent Lounge-A-Palooza album. If you don't innately understand how amazing Steve and Eydie singing Black Hole Sun is, then there's nothing more I can do for you.

It is sublime.