Top Man

Once again, old chum Kevin brings us news, this time of the untimely demise of William Hootkins. You'll remember him best as Porkins in Star Wars. Yes. They named the fat guy Porkins.

But true geeks and connoisseurs of good film will also remember him as Lt. Eckhardt in 1989's Batman. And the fact that he also had a bit part in Superman IV: the Quest for Peace should be enough to immortalize him in the Geek "Bit Player" Hall of Fame, along with John Ratzenberger who managed to appear in both Empire Strikes Back AND Superman II.

But William Hootkins also played Major Eaton, a small-but-essential role in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. In fact, he is responsible for one of my favorite unsung exchanges in the movie, an exchange I often quote:

Maj. Eaton: We have top men working on it now.
Indiana: Who?
Maj. Eaton: Top. Men.

Classic.

1948-2005

Go to Juvie Hall

Tonight! I'll let Kyria explain:

The Target Demographic's "Extra Pudding"

With
Kyria Abrahams!
Jay Bois!
Benari Poulten!
Jason Reich!
Erik Seims!

We've got 45 minutes of sketch comedy for you tonight at 9pm in Juvie Hall. $5!

A big, luxurious, full-length production of “Extra Pudding” will take place at 8:00pm Saturday November 19. $8!

Juvie Hall is located below the Gene Frankel Theater at 24 Bond Street, between the Bowery and Lafayette Street. (Take the B, D, F, V or 6 to Broadway Lafayette/ Bleecker Street.)

be there and be square!

I'll prove it exists, and then I'll kill it!

From the AP:

A mythical monster, believed by some to have lived for hundreds of years in the murky depths of a Swedish lake, is now fair game for hunters — if they can find it. Authorities have agreed to lift its endangered species protection.

Hundreds of people claim to have spotted a large serpent-like creature in Lake Storsjon in the northwestern province of Jamtland, and in 1986 the regional council put it on a list of endangered animals.

But a government watchdog challenged the decision, saying such protection was hardly necessary for a creature whose existence has not been proven.

The regional council agreed to remove the listing this month, but declined to rule out that a monster lives in the 300-foot deep lake.

"It exists, inasmuch as it lives in the minds of people," the council's chief legal adviser Peter Lif said about the purported beast. "But I guess we'll have to agree that it cannot be proved scientifically, and then it should not be listed as an endangered species."

The so-called Storsjo monster was first mentioned in print in 1635. Hundreds of sightings have been reported since then. Some people describe the creature as a snakelike animal with a dog's head and fins on its neck. But no clear image of it has been captured on camera.

Storsjo monster aficionados said lifting the endangered species protection was a mistake, and appeared insulted by the decision.

"We are not fanatics," said Christer Berko, of the Storsjo monster association. "We see this as very interesting phenomenon that we unfortunately have not been able to document."

I don't know if this thing even exists, but if it does, we gonna make sure it don't!

Veterans' Day wishes

To all those who have served and to those who continue to serve:

Thank you.

Turn me on, deadman

One and one and one is three:



Got to be good lookin' cuz he's so hard to see!



Paul is dead man, miss him, miss him...

If I told you about the comic, I'd have to kill you

Thanks to Kevin for pointing me to this wonderful CIA-produced bit of psyops.



You see that shit there, to the left? They're giving the soldiers flowers and pies and shit! Now THAT'S how you encourage those former-Commies to treat ya when you liberate them. All you gotta do is SHOW them how to act when you save them.

The bit that disturbs me, however, is the little editorial note on the inside cover that reads:

This comic was produced by a team of American work-for-hire illustrators (now deceased)...

Now deceased! That's some hard core shit, right there. Now it really makes me wonder whatever happened to some of my favorite artists who were working in the 80s and then suddenly disappeared...

Pirates. They're out there.

And we're ready for 'em with Reed Richards-esque technology:

As pirates armed with machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades closed in on a luxury cruise liner off Somalia's coast last weekend, crew members fended them off with water hoses and an electronic device that blasts an earsplitting noise.

The device, developed for U.S. warships after the 2000 attack on the USS Cole off Yemen, unleashed a piercing barrage nearly twice as loud as a smoke detector, while passengers huddled in a dining room away from windows. Capt. Sven Erik Pederson called for full steam ahead, taking the 10,000-ton Seabourn Spirit as fast as it could go. Pederson eventually outran the pirates, who were in small boats, and sought refuge in the Seychelles, a group of islands in the Indian Ocean.

''These guys bit off more than they could chew,'' said Bruce Good, spokesman for Miami-based Seabourn Cruise Line, a subsidiary of Carnival Corp. ``The ship is seven decks high and 439 feet long. It takes a certain amount of stupidity or audacity to attack something like that.''

The pirates approached in one, maybe two boats measuring 25 feet long about 100 miles off the Somali coast Saturday morning. The Spirit doesn't go very fast -- it has a cruising speed of just 16 knots, or 18.4 miles an hour -- so crew members countered with hoses and a nonlethal weapon called a Long Range Acoustic Device, Good said.

Developed by American Technology Corp. of San Diego, the device transmits a high-pitched, piercing noise in a directed beam, without affecting its operators or anyone outside its target range, such as the ship's passengers.

Long Range Acoustic Device. It's so rad, it's L-RAD. Take that, Pirates.

Happy Birthday, Jim Steranko

I'm a few days late, but I wanted to wish one of my all-time favorite artists a happy birthday: Happy Birthday, Jim Steranko!

One of the inspirations for Kavalier and Clay, Steranko's brief stint in comics in the late 60's has left a lasting impact and his legendary images continue to resonanate today. His Nick Fury is THE definitive version, as far as I'm concerned.

He had the perfect blend of King Kirby's jagged, explosive madness and Jazzy Johnny Romita's clean, beautiful linework, fusing the best elements of all the great artists (from popular to classic)and creating something uniquely wild-yet-realistic. A world of limitless possibilities, where fantasy and reality co-mingled in a sci-fi fantasia of heroism.

And his comic books were just plain FUN.


It's 1986 and I'm 9 years old. Somehow, I have the 2-issue 1983 prestige format series reprinting Steranko's legendary run on Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD. There are no capes, no super powers, no rage-fulled mutants within these pages - and yet, I was drawn to these 2 issues, devouring them. The art, the storytelling technique, the vivid imagery and the overall wackiness of the concepts grabbed me, sucked me into this strange world of spies, danger, over-the-top villains, and outlandish gizmos.

To this day, Nick Fury remains one of my al-time favorite characters. And it's mostly due to the innovation and imagination of Jim Steranko.

His cover images tell more story than most comics tell in 12 issues these days. Evocative, moody, surreal and iconic, his images continue to inspire and allow us a glimpse into the magical world of what could be.

I leave you with one of my favorite Steranko covers - and if this Captain America cover does not give you a chill, then, to paraphrase Dave Campbell, you are a commie.



*images courtesy of the GCD.

Thanks for reminding me

Actual conversation, from a few weeks ago:

Me: First time I was at Galapagos, I had a great set - love that room.

Baron: Yeah, it's a great space. But the audience can sometimes be hit or miss; it's weird.

Me: Well, I've done a couple of sets there and - -

Dan: I've never had a bad set there.

Baron (without ANY hesitation): Benari has.

I just want to take you where I'm going...bah bah bah.

"I got a story to tell...!"

Peter Gallagher's first solo album, 7 Days in Memphis, debuts next week.

But this is not the first time Peter Gallagher has belted out a tune. Oh, no. Some of us remember back to a time when a determined Ray Sharkey molded a young impressionable Peter Gallagher into the rockstar sensation Caesare in the epic film classic, The Idol Maker. I highly recommend listening to the timeless hits of Caesare, blessedly archived on Peter Gallagher's own website. Seriously. To paraphrase James Lipton, this may be the most important movie ever made in the history of film making or even the world, ever.

If you haven't seen this movie, do yourself a favor and own it immediately. It will change your life forever. Cuz, uh, somethin' happened to me.

Metal Mayhem

I'll be at Siberia tonight. Why? I'll let our own hyperbolic Sam Walters, He of the Wounded Liver, explain:

What… what’s that rumbling sound? That swelling, now deafening peal of thunder?? Lord save us, it’s… IT’S… JOHN HENRY!! AHHHHHHH!!!! (And so on.)

Thursday, Nov. 3, 9 PM, at Siberia Bar, it’s time for more Crushing Rock from everyone’s favorite, curiously named Metal band. BUT WAIT! This time, John Henry plays sans drum machine! Heavy hitting Pat O’Shea will be filling in on skins providing a visceral element missing from last gig, after which everyone suggested we get a drummer and we were forced to acknowledge that two guys jumping around to a drum machine was “sorta gay.” Anyway, toast Evil with John Henry Thursday, Nov. 3, 9 PM, at Siberia Bar. Go on, try it!

It’ll make you feeeeel gooood! I mean, um, bad! Reeeeeal bad!

Siberia Bar
356 W 40th St .
(no # on door, but there’s a small red light over it.)
(646) 674-1710
(212) 333-4141

New song link! Yow!
http://samwalters.com/02_Ball_n_Chain.mp3

when a cell loves another cell very much...

Just 'cuz they're cells, it don't mean they can't get it on:

Scientists Find Fossils in Sexual Union

This was no one-night stand. Scientists in India say they have discovered two fossils fused together in sexual union for 65 million years.

The findings were published in the October edition of the Indian journal "Current Science," which said it was the first time that sexual copulation had been discovered in a fossil state, according to the Press Trust of India news agency.

But voyeurs will need a microscope to view the eternal lovers.

The fossils are tiny swarm cells, a stage in the development of the fungus myxomycetes, also known as slime molds.

The cells reproduce by "fusing," Ranjeet Kar of the Birbal Sahni Institute of Palaeobotany in Lucknow reportedly told PTI. Once the cells fuse, long, threadlike appendages known as flagella, are lost, he said.

Finding the fossils in a fused position and with their flagella shed, is evidence that the two cells were having sex, Kar said.

"The sexual organs being delicate and the time of conjugation short lived, it is indeed rare to get this stage in the fossil state," the study said.

The cells were discovered in a 30-foot deep dry well in the state of Madhya Pradesh.

Wow. And you thought science wasn't sexy!

Mr. T says:

Happy November, Fool!

SHOCKER!!

President nominates another old, rich white guy to the Supreme Court!

So consistently conservative, [appeals court judge Samuel] Alito has been dubbed “Scalito” or “Scalia-lite” by some lawyers because his judicial philosophy invites comparisons to conservative Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. But while Scalia is outspoken and is known to badger lawyers, Alito is polite, reserved and even-tempered.

Awesome! He might legally bitch slap you back to pre-1950s America, but he does it with a smile.

and a brooklyn shout out to...

...my favorite neighborhood comicbook store Rocketship for a great booksigning party last night.

Check out all the fun here.

Well done, lads and ladies. Good time, all around.

welcome back

I'm really enjoying the hero's welcome that Tedy Bruschi's been getting during tonight's ESPN broadcast game.

Good to have ya back, Tedy.

"I am, I am, I am Superman..."

Oh, those crazy Austrians. You WILL believe a man can fail to fly.

GRAZ, Austria - A man who claimed he was Superman and could fly was hospitalized early Tuesday after leaping from a fourth-floor window, authorities said.

Paramedics rushed the 23-year-old man to a hospital in the city of Graz, about 120 miles south of Vienna, after he jumped from a window and suffered head and back injuries, police said.

They said the man — who apparently had drunk several bottles of red wine before attempting the jump — appeared at the window ledge at around 4 a.m. and shouted: "I am Superman! Nothing can happen to me!"

The jumper, whose name was not released, landed on part of a lower section and roof, sparing him from more serious injuries, authorities said.

Rosa Parks, February 4, 1913 – October 24, 2005

On Sunday, Parks becomes the first woman to lie in honor in the vast circular room under the Capitol dome in Washington, D.C.

Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.
Rosa Parks

Each person must live their life as a model for others.
Rosa Parks

All I was doing was trying to get home from work.
Rosa Parks

People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in.
Rosa Parks

Presidential Medal of Freedom:

"On December 1, 1955, going home from work, Rosa Parks boarded a city bus in Montgomery, Alabama, and with one modest act of defiance, changed the course of history. By refusing to give up her seat, she sparked the Montgomery bus boycott and helped launch the civil rights movement. In the years since, she has remained committed to the cause of freedom, speaking out against injustice here and abroad.

Called the First Lady of Civil Rights, Rosa Parks has demonstrated, in the words of Robert Kennedy, that each time a person strikes out against injustice, she sends forth the tiny ripple of hope, which, crossing millions of others, can sweep down the walls of oppression."

Superman II: Electric Boogaloo

So, remember that fan-made version of Superman II using lost Donner footage?

Looks like the studio got the picture:




An all-new special edition of Superman II, re-cut by Richard Donner.


Kneel before Zod.

Bitch Slap Friday

Ever have one of those days when you just need to bitch slap some folks?


Yeah. Me, too.


Aquaman knows what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Bitch Slap o' the Day:

YOU GOT SERVED!

Vice presidential adviser I. Lewis "Scooter' Libby Jr. was indicted Friday on charges of obstruction of justice, making a false statement and perjury in the CIA leak case.

Karl Rove, President Bush's closest adviser, escaped indictment Friday but remained under investigation, his legal status a looming political problem for the White House.

The indictments stem from a two-year investigation by special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald into whether Rove, Libby or any other administration officials knowingly revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame or lied about their involvement to investigators.

The five-count indictment accuses Libby of lying about how and when he learned about CIA official Plame's identity in 2003 and then told reporters about it. The information was classified.

CORPORATE AMERICA HATES SOLDIERS' FAMILIES

Forget the fact that this Michigan woman was working part-time and only making $9 an hour. Forget the fact that her husband is being deployed to Iraq for at least a year, probably more. Forget the fact that corporate America sucks.

This story really drives home the point that normal America does not give a rat's ass about being at WAR.

From the AP:

A woman who took an unpaid leave of absence from work to see her husband off to war with an Indiana National Guard unit has been fired after failing to show up for her part-time receptionist job the day following his departure.

"It was a shock," said Suzette Boler, a 40-year-old mother of three and grandmother of three. "I was hurt. I felt abandoned by people I thought cared for me. I sat down on the floor and cried for probably two hours."

Officials at her former workplace, Benefit Management Administrators Inc., a Caledonia employee-benefits company, confirmed that Boler was dismissed when she didn't report to work the day after she said goodbye to her husband of 22 years.

"We gave her sufficient time to get back to work," Clark Galloway, vice president of operations for Benefit Management, told The Grand Rapids Press for a story Wednesday.

He added that other factors were involved in the decision, but he declined to elaborate.

On Oct. 16, Boler went with her husband, Army Spc. Jerry Boler, 45, to an Indianapolis-area airfield, where he and others in his National Guard unit gathered to be transported to Fort Dix, N.J. The unit will soon be deployed to Iraq, where he will help guard convoys from insurgent attacks.

Although the Bolers moved to western Michigan 14 years ago, Jerry Boler, a diesel mechanic, decided to remain with his Bloomington, Ind.-based Guard unit, the 150th Field Artillery Regiment.

Suzette Boler had received permission to take off work the week leading up to her husband's departure. As a part-time employee at Benefit Management, she did not receive vacation pay and was not compensated for her time off.

She usually worked Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays answering telephones, entering claims information and greeting visitors and clients. Boler, who said she considers herself a reliable employee with good work habits, was employed at the company for 14 months and earned $9 per hour.

Boler recalled being asked, not ordered, to start back at her job Oct. 17, the day after her husband left. She told her bosses that she would try to return that day but if she could not, she would definitely be back Oct. 18, she said.

When Boler returned home from Indiana on the night of Oct. 16, a few hours after leaving her husband at the airfield, she said she felt drained by the emotional ordeal and decided to return to work Oct. 18.

But on the afternoon of Oct. 17, she received a call from work telling her to come in the following day and get her things because she was being fired. Her pink slip said the reason was she failed to show up for work Oct. 17, a Monday.

"If I had even an inkling that I would be fired for not coming in Monday, I would have been there," she said.

Sorry your husband is being shipped off to war. Screw you, lady! But don't worry, at a Specialist's pay rate (as an E-4, his base pay will be LESS than $2,000/month), I'm sure you patriotic folks willing to sacrifice for your country will somehow manage to survive. Meanwhile, we here at Benefit Management Administrators, Inc. will continue to exploit the poor and working class through low wages while simultaneously spitting in your face as your husband defends our right to do so. Ha HA! Corporate America wins again, suckers!

Okay - so. She didn't show up on the 17th, after taking a WEEK of UNPAID vacation. Isn't there someone in the compnay who is supposed to talk to her, find out if she's doing all right, find out what her circumstances may be? Someone to say, "hey, I understand. What can we do to make things better?" Maybe they just hate military families.

But wait, Benari. You don't know all the facts.

No. I don't. I don't know what her history at the company is like. But I do know bad timing and a callous disregard for human beings. This woman is in the middle of some very emotional circumstances - at the very least, a little special care should be given to ANYONE who has to endure a deployment. I think they could cut her a little slack this time. Until the rest of the US of A begins feeling the heavy impact of WAR, things like this will continue happening. Because we're delusional. We think everything can and should run normally - better than normal! - even when we're fighting two different wars on two different fronts in two different countries. We've been at war overseas for about 4 years now. We've been at war in Iraq for over 2 years. And so far, the only Americans who have truly been impacted by this have been military families, expected to bear the brunt of America's sacrifice. It's getting old.

Now, here's something interesting. I wanted to call up this company and register my extreme displeasure at their utter disregard for what this woman may be going through. But when I went to their website, http://www.benefitsthatfit.com/, to find some contact info, I got this message:

Our website is currently down. Please check back at a later time. We apologize for the inconvenience.

I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted to get in touch with these guys. That's encouraging. And with a little more googling, I was able to come up with a number and an address:


N. Henry Bledsoe
President/ASM
Benefit Management Administrators, Inc.
PO BOX 17
9365 Cherry Valley Ave
Caledonia, MI 49316
Phone: 616-891-1984
Fax: 616-891-9009
Email: henry@benefitsthatfit.com

Give 'em a call or drop 'em a nice letter or an e-mail. Remember to use civil language. And small words.



But, wait, Benari. All she had to do was show up to work the day after her husband got deployed! Aren't you getting a little carried away here?

You know what. When you get deployed or when your husband/wife/father/mother/son/daughter/loved one gets deployed, then you can talk to me about showing up to work the next day. Until then:

The OTHER white Sox

And somewhere ol' Shoeless Joe Jackson is smilin'...


Congratulations to that other long-suffering Sox team. Congrats to the White Sox on being the second Sox team in two years to sweep the World Series.

And the guy I'm happiest for? Only one of the greatest catchers to ever play the game, the man who wore both red AND white sox, the man who hit one of the single greatest homeruns of all time...

Pudge himself. Mr. Carlton Fisk.




2 curses broken in two years. Next year:

Let's go Cubs!

mourner's kaddish

As we hit some somber milestones in Iraq, I'd like to take a moment to remember the fallen, the brothers and sisters I've lost, and ALL those who have lost their lives in war.

Yit-gadal v'yit-kadash sh'mey raba, b'alma di v'ra hirutey, vyam-lih mal-hutey b'ha-yey-hon uv'yomey-hon uv'ha-yey d'hol beyt yisrael ba-agala u-vizman kariv, v'imru amen.

(Congregation and Mourners:)
Y'hey sh'mey raba m'varah l'alam ul'almey alma-ya.

(Mourners:)
Yit-barah v'yish-tabah v'yit-pa-ar v'yit-romam v'yit-na-sey v'yit-hadar v'yit-aleh v'yit-halal sh'mey d'kud-sha, b'rih hu, leyla* min kol bir-hata v'shi-rata tush-b'hata v'ne-hemata da-amiran b'alma, v imru amen.

Y'hey sh'lama raba min sh'ma-ya, v'ha-yim aleynu v'al kol yisrael, vimru amen.

Oseh shalom bim-romav, hu ya-aseh shalom aleynu v'al kol yisrael, v'imru amen.

drilled

Spent the past weekend outside, in the rain and bitter cold, carrying a heavy ruck and firing my M-16, crawling around in the dirt and mud, driving around in Humvees. I got back Sunday night, tired, dirty, and sore.

Jealous much?

On the plus side, I got pampered with a long, hot bubble bath upon my return. So it works out to about even, I'd say.

Ess oh see, kay ess?

Nevermind why.

But if it's 1:30 AM and you're in New York City, you can swing into any 24-hour CVS or Duane Reade or Rite-Aid and get yourself a snack, a toothbrush, some Q-Tips, eyeliner, deodorant, a coloring book, a Hallmark card for mom ... you can even get yourself some Haines boxer briefs.

Know what you can't get if you're fella?

Socks.

Normal, average, everyday, cheap white socks. They don't got 'em. Oh, they have plenty o' sox for the ladies: cotton socks, knee socks, toe socks, bobby socks, stockings, nylons...whatever. All for the ladies. But for the dudes? Nothing. No socks for the guys.

What the - ?!

Maybe it's 2 in the morning and I need a cheap pair of clean socks. What's wrong with that? People need socks. Guys need socks. And I can't get 'em. Why? Y. Because I have a y chromosome. That's why.

Equal rights, that's all I'm asking. Don't we, as men, deserve to purchase inexpensive socks at one in the morning, too? Is that too much to ask?

...cuz I ain't wearin' no ladies' socks, no way, no how.

How the death of a comedian always brings us back to Watchmen

I was saddened by the recent suicide of ex-SNL cast member Charles Rocket...

my condolences to his friends and family.

His death actually got Ross and I talking about that era of comedy and the ill-fated and somewhat unfairly mocked cast for Saturday Night Live, circa 1980-1985. Following the original Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players was no easy task and the mismanaged and disjointed production of the early 80s SNL had the misfortune of going through its evolution and growing pains live, on-air. Not to mention the petty backstage politics that I'm sure were involved ...

And Rocket seems to personify everything that went wrong during that time. I always thought it was unfair that Rocket's one claim to fame - uttering the word "fuck" on live television - cost him the rest of his career, basically. In truth, he did the one thing that everyone had been waiting for since the beginning of SNL - he proved the dangerous truth of live, late-night comedy and uttered the magic four-letter word that strikes fear into the hearts of middle America. For the briefest of moments, Rocket made SNL as dangerous, as edgy as it always promised it could be. But, as comics all know, timing is everything, so Charles Rocket was punished for the sins of the 1980 season.

And 25 years later, he took his life ("as lovers often do") before VH1 could cram him into a house with Al Molinaro and Spuds MacKenzie*.

*doG rest her soul, as well.

So, as an aspiring comic, I think it's important to pay respect to Charles Rocket ...

...by paraphrasing the end of an uber-geeky conversation with Ross, following news of Rocket's death. No, I'm not proud. But death be not proud, either.

Ross: ...my only question is, who's next.

Me: You mean, you think someone's killing off SNL cast members from the early 80s?

Ross: Like a serial killer.

Me: Like Watchmen.

Ross: So, we've just made Charles Rocket the Comedian?

Me: Yeah.

Ross: You know that makes Tim Kazurinsky Rorschach.

Me: Then Eddie Murphy would have to be Dr. Manhattan. Piscopo?

Ross: Night Owl?

Me: Brian-Doyle Murray would have to be Hollis, then. What about Denny Dillon, Mary Gross, or Robin Duke? Silk Spectre?

Ross: Dude, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is Silk Spectre [II].

Me: Obviously. And Brad Hall...hm, but they came later. Like '82, the Gary Kroeger years.

Ross: Doesn't matter.

Me: What if Brad Hall was really the force behind that era of SNL?

Ross: No, he was really behind Seinfeld.

Me: Oh my God. Brad Hall is behind it all.

Ross: SNL?

Me: Brad Hall is Veidt. He did it. It was Brad Hall all along.

Ross: Oh, man. We just made Brad Hall Ozymandias.

(slight pause)

Me: You know that makes Gilbert Gottfried Hooded Justice.

Ross: I think you need to stop there.

Gone In New York Minute

But...but, I just got here!

Olsen twin Mary-Kate returns to LA


She gave living a normal life a shot, but it seems Mary-Kate Olsen is just too Hollywood.

The kookier one of the mega-rich Olsen Twins has gone on a leave of absence from New York University to concentrate on her role as co-president of her mega-billion dollar entertainment company Dualstar.

Meanwhile, identical sister Ashley is staying at the institution.

Mary-Kate has had a rough year, battling rumours of anorexia, cocaine abuse and failed relationships.

Not great attributes for an average college student - but perfect for a Tinseltown big cheese.

Perhaps that's why she is coming back to the West Coast - it is the one place where everyone else has just as many problems as her?

The 19-year-old twins have been in the limelight since they were a year old.

I hope Ashley is able to handle school without her twin sister. Perhaps she needs some consoling...

...on the cover of the Rolling Stone

Well, well, well. Oh, well.

Lookit who got his and herself ranked the number one magazine cover --->

Oh, my. John's a bit nekkid there. The kids love them some naked John Lennon, I guess. Still. Quite the frivolous honor. Love is the answer.

No way, Jose!

I could tell you about the new super secret spy organization, but I'd have to kill you.


Undercover CIA official picked to oversee human spywork


By Katherine Shrader, Associated Press October 14, 2005

WASHINGTON -- A top CIA manager who remains undercover will soon oversee the traditional human spying activities for the entire intelligence community, a position created in the intelligence changes after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Publicly, he is referred to as ''Jose," said US officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the plan's full details had yet to be released.

Jose's posting as head of the new National Clandestine Service ends weeks of debate over whether the CIA would retain its role as the primary agency responsible for traditional human spywork, as an increasing number of US national security agencies take on this type of work.

He will now broadly coordinate operations for the FBI, Defense Department, and other agencies involved in human intelligence, or the information gathered by people, rather than by technical means.

Jose now serves as the director of the CIA's clandestine service, which handles the agency's human intelligence gathering.

Forming a National Clandestine Service was one of more than 70 recommendations from President Bush's commission on weapons of mass destruction, which released a bruising report in March about the current capabilities of the 15 agencies that make up the US intelligence community.

I just hope the new spy organization gets its own kickass helicarrier!

Repent

A safe and easy fast to all the Jews this Yom Kippur.

The Day of Atonement.

One day blowout sale; all sin is forgiven. Just give us a day, we'll take away your sins! Come on down to schul and pray for forgiveness. If you can't pray, someone'll pray for ya! We're giving repentance away. We're so crazy, we're mishugina!

always next year

And the cosmos rights itself. The universe puts itself back in synch once more, as everything returns to normal. The Red Sox are World Champions no more. It was a fun ride while it lasted. Luckily, after last year's spectacular performance, there's a bit of a grace period.

One year down, eighty-five more to go.

click here to get fired

Via The Reverend Tim McIntire, the best spam ever:

From: R.V.D. Veda Prakash
Date: Oct 4, 2005 6:26 AM
Subject: Hitler Didn't die in Bunkar, I have proof
To: veda...@yahoo.com

Take look at this website I wrote something about Hitler, Hitler Didn't die
in Bunkar, I have proof read Hitler section in this webpage


http://www.swastik.org/kk.htm


By Veda

Thanks, Veda!

Any website that has "swastik" in it has GOT to be good!

And check out Jesus Second Come" (nowhere near as dirty as it sounds) where you can find the answers to such questions as:

Did Jesus was black or white?

On what Symbol based Jesus took the Birth?

What will be the shape of bible I mean old testimony and new testimony? Will be any third testimony?

I myself am an Old Testimony kind of guy, but that's just me.

And yes, there is a special Hitler section. I think it goes without saying that if you are at work, clicking on anything that says "Hitler section" should get you fired.

And don't miss out on this section: Mystery Solution!!!

" This page is for Scientists
Answers for world unsolved mystery's
But I am not good in english"

It might not make any sense at all when you first read it, but just follow the simple instructions and all will be made clear:

Read this section very carefully, if you don't understand this section you won't understand entire web page. Read two times or three times or four times this section only if you don't understand.

Thanks, Tim. I've just blown my entire afternoon reading through the greatest website ever.

"What's that you said, J.C.?"

The White House has denied that US President George W. Bush said God told him to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, as a new BBC documentary is expected to reveal.

That's absurd. He's never made such comments," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Thursday.

I know. Totally absurd. That'd be like telling a group of Amish voters that God speaks through you. It's like that time, when the President said:

“I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn’t do my job.’’

Or that'd be like if the President said:

I believe that God has planted in every heart the desire to live in freedom.

Or if he said:

"I believe that God wants me to be president."

I mean, that would be totally absurd.

L'Shanah Tovah

Happy Jew New Year!


After Rosh Hashanah services this year, and taking the time to reflect on my life and what I can do better in the coming year, I'm convinced that if more Jews attended High Holiday services, they wouldn't need therapy.

wild cards

So much time, so little to do. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it.

Sox are in. Just what I need. More distractions from my school work. Oh, obsession.

Harriet Miers. No experience as a judge. Because Presidential nominees with no prior experience in the job to which they've been nominated has worked out so well in the past...

Happy New Year to the Jews! And all our goyim friends, as well.

Curt response

Come on, fellas. It's the end of the season.

Let's just win.

Knuckle Down

Keep the mojo risin', the strikes a'throwin', and the bats a'swingin'. Let's take the lead today. Hug your dads, call your moms, wear your lucky shirts, rub your magic totems, pray to your gods, light your candles, and put on your rally caps.

It's on.

Let's go Red Sox.


UPDATE:

Argh. Shite.

It all rests on Schilling's ankle tomorrow. sigh.

M.V.P.

Three games left.

The end of the pennant race.

Greatest rivalry in baseball.


And the Sox need to sweep the Bombers to win it.

They need to take two out of three to force a one game play-off.

The season on the line.

And who do I trust most to come through big in a situation like this?

Who else?





Big Papi.

And of course, my boy Jason Varitek.


Let's go Red Sox.

I'm the goddamn flipper

Maybe the reports of killer dolphins on the loose are true.

Maybe the reports are false.

And wouldn't it be awesome if the reports were true:

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

But one thing is for sure: many brave dolphins, sea lions, and assorted aquatic animals proudly serve our country every day, and have done so for over 40 years.

Learn more about the U.S. Navy's Marine Mammal Program.

And remember: freedom is on the ma...uh, swim.

holy synchronicity

So, over at Newsarama, I just saw the preview for the new ALL STAR SUPERMAN. And they have a bunch of insightful quotes from Grant Morrison...and this part in particular jumped out at me:

My first issue, for instance, has a new power for Superman and I thought I'd come up with something, well...not bad...then I just read - yesterday in fact - the story 'Superman's New Power' which appeared in Superman #125 from November 1958. And guess what Superman's new power was in the 'conservative' ‘50s. That's right - it's a teeny-tiny little Superman who shoots out from the palm of the big Superman's hand and does everything better than Superman himself, leaving the full-size Superman feeling redundant and worthless. Holy analysis, Batman! It's mindbending, brilliant and eerie work. This is what it would be like if Charlie Kaufmann wrote and directed the Superman movie and it's far from goofy or childish, it's genuinely affecting and slightly disturbing to read Superman saying stuff like 'Everyone's impressed except ME! Don't they understand how I feel -- playing second fiddle to a miniature duplicate of myself...a sort of SUPER-IMP?'

And people think I'M weird ? I %$%$^ wish I was weird like this! I wish pop comics today had the balls to be as poetic and poignant and truly 'all-ages' again, and a little less self-conscious. I feel a little ashamed for not even daring to think of a magnificent tiny Superman who makes the real Superman feel inadequate every time he springs from his hand. Those kinds of stories were like weird fever dreams and they sold millions and millions of copies every month.

Could. Not. Agree. More.

All Star Superman. November.

It don't matter if you're black [and] white

Fun show last night at the Telephone Bar - thanks to all involved.

For anyone who likes comedy in NYC and wants to keep up with what's goin' on, Rachel Kramer Bussel's comedy blog is must reading. She's the chronicler of all things comedic in New York City and you're guaranteed to find something to scratch your comedy itch there. It's the Time Out New York of the comedy blog world. But cuter.



So, yesterday afternoon, I swing by my favorite local comic book store, Rocketship, and in my search for more bang for my buck, I come across the latest push from DC, a collection of b&w reprints of vintage Silver Age stories which is DC's answer to Marvel's amazingly successful Essentials line. Specifically, I see Showcase Presents: Superman Volume 1. Reprints of late 50's Superman and Action Comics tales, presented chronologically. And it's under 10 bucks. A fact the cover proudly proclaims. OVERPOWERING...CAN'T...RESIST! MUST...BUY...

I adore these black and white reprints. I've actually read a good number of these Superman stories already in various other collections, reprints, or in their original forms. But seeing the pure, unadulterated zaniness of the 50's Silver Age Superman in stark black and white gives these stories an underground 'zine feel, like I'm reading some kind of bootleg, indie version of iconic stories.

And the stories themselves - the first thing that struck me was how many of these stories I've already seen reprinted in "best of" collections, further proof of how iconic these stories are. Short stories, crammed with action and characterization; self-contained and easily accessible, these stories taken individually entertain with jam-packed excitement and melodrama; while taken as a whole, they cleverly create, add to, and perpetuate the well-known Superman mythos. There's a brilliantly complex simplicity in these stories; many of them hinge upon Superman acting "out of character" until intrigued readers discover that it was all part of some super plan. Other stories revolve around Superman himself trying to figure out why the world as he knows it is out of whack, whether he's dealing with his friends and/or enemies acting "out of character" or dealing with transforming into a lion -

Yes. Superman ends up with a lion's head. Only in comic books could our hero suddenly find that he's a humanoid LION. I don't know what bizarre 50's trend this was, but it plays out in spectacular Silver Age melodramatic fashion, as Superman's main conflict is trying to fit into society with a LION'S HEAD!!! Oh, Silver Age. How unpretentious you truly were.

Now, I admit - when I was a kid, I never fully appreciated the sly wit and wacky inventiveness of Silver Age DC. But, man. Looking at it now, there was so much creative energy and imagination - despite the crushing restrictions of that era's Comics' Code, these guys managed to pack every story with subversive and mind-blowing concepts that could only be found in the 4-color world of comic books. It was escapism at its best and purest, in the hands of master craftsmen who truly knew how to exploit the potential of the medium.

Surprisingly, I think one of my favorite stories here is the oddball tale of "Superman's NEW Power!", brilliantly scripted by Jerry Coleman and beautifully penciled by the legendary Wayne Boring. The cliff's notes version is that Superman loses his powers, but gains a new one: he can materialize a tiny Superman from his fingertips, complete with all his superpowers. The Last Son of Krypton watches glumly as his midget doppelganger carries out all his super feats, silently saving the day and then returning to Superman, ready to avert the next disaster when called upon. At one point, when trouble occurs, Superman flies to the rescue, sadly aware that his only power is sending out his tiny proxy; Kal-El is now feeling like a useless bystander while tiny Superman saves the day, leading to some amazingly moody reflections, such as Superman thinking: "This is a job for (sigh)...Superman's new power."

Superman feeling ineffectual next to his all-powerful, tiny counterpart?! He's got a new power that he hates, but he has to keep using it to help mankind!!! Great Caesar's Ghost, at one point, The Man of Tomorrow is even thinking about killing his midget proxy to regain his powers! And this is before the Marvel Age of the reluctant hero! Holy Sockamagee!

The story ends when the tiny Superman sacrifices himself to save the real Superman...and Superman magically regains his powers, left to wonder whether his mini-man of steel had his own heroic thoughts or whether he was merely carrying out Superman's commands.

What pathos! What drama! What comedy! Cheese and crackers, this 8-page story had more in it than 8 issues of Ultimate anything! Well worth the 10 bucks, pick up the Superman collection. There's also a Green Lantern collection out right now, where you can thrill to the beautiful line work of Gil Kane and the hipster-cool adventures of ace test pilot Hal Jordan, the most fearless man on earth with the universe's most powerful weapon. Holy High Concept, Batman. And over the next few months, there will be collections of JLA, Jonah Hex, and Metamorpho. I highly recommend these b&w reprints, as well as anything from Marvel's Essentials line. Because as simple as these tales seem, these bombastic and moody tales prove that comic books ain't so black white ...

I'd buy that for a dollar!

For just one lousy buck, you can see some comedy tonight at The Telephone Bar.

The $1 Room
Stand Up, Sketch and Video with Cassidy Henehan, Peter Kassnove and Brad Steuernagel

The Telephone Bar
149 Second Ave. (between 9th and 10th) NYC

Swing on by for some good, cheap comedy. We'll grab a beer.

Philosophy of the World

Oh, the rich people want what the poor people's got
And the poor people want what the rich people's got
And the skinny people want what the fat people's got
And the fat people want what the skinny people's got

You can never please anybody in this world

...

It doesn't matter what you do
It doesn't matter what you say
There will always be one who wants things the opposite way
We do our best, we try to please
But we're like the rest we're never at ease
You can never please
Anybody
In this world

I saw The Shaggs last night, the musical based on the real-life actual band, The Shaggs, proof that if you're gonna be bad at something, it's best to be the absolute worst.

There's a purity in the awfulness that was The Shaggs' music, an intense honesty in their dissonant chords and monotone vocals, as well as a genuine eeriness in the way in which their blunt lyrics and discordant tunes haunt you long after you'd like to erase them from your memory.

At some point, it seemed hip to laud them for their sheer atrocity - a quality which ironically made them even more rock n' roll than the slickest of rock n' rollers! From Rolling Stone to Susan Orlean, critics began recognizing the deeper emotional truth in the Shaggs' music - an unpretentious truth that is actually transcendental in a way that the over-produced William Hung phenomenon could never capture.

Because, in the end, The Shaggs weren't the instruments they couldn't really play, nor were they the lyrics they couldn't really sing. They were just some girls from New Hampshire, trapped in their father's dream, trying to be the best they could be at something they never were. And in their failure, they managed to stumble upon the elusive magic of true art.

There are many things I wonder
There are many things I don't
It seems as though the things I wonder most
Are the things I never find out

I'm Batman.

You're Classic Batman. You're the old school,
iconic Batman that everyone knows. Your
sidekick is Dick Grayson, the original Robin,
and you also team up with Batgirl alot. You're
the World's Greatest Detective, and also one of
the best fighters on the planet. You're against
guns and lethal force. Right now, you're pretty
much in the prime of your career, before you
become haunted by Dead Sidekicks and loved
ones.


What kind of Batman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Via Scipio.

time flies

Uh, okay. So being in the writing program at Tisch is a little like experiencing alcoholic blackouts. Next thing I know, it's Thursday. Of course, the actual drinking during all of this doesn't help much, either...

Also, just an observation. When you go out drinking with your class and one of your professors shows up blitzed, it can't be anything but AWESOME.

Here's where I'll be tonight:

Becky and Claudia's Supreme Offering--NOW THURSDAYS!!!
New night, same hilarious stand up, Teddy Grahams and liquor giveaway
at the end of the night

This week's comedians, as selected by God herself:
Jon Friedman (Rejection Show)
Christina McGrath (UCB NY, soon to be UCB LA)
Benari Poulten (The US Army & The Tank)
Adam Lowitt (The Daily Show)
Allison Castillo (VH1, Sweet Paprika)
Baron Vaughn (Galapagos, his one man show "Actor. Comedian. Negro.")
and your devoted co-hosts/roommates, Claudia Cogan and Becky Poole.

This Thursday, September 22nd
Graham Lounge
312 Graham Avenue--next to the Liquor Store
Between Devoe and Ainslie Streets
Take the L to Graham Ave (3rd stop in the BK) and walk a block and a half south
8:00 PM
FREE; no minimum

beat it

The Comic Treadmill has an excellent summary of some good old-fashioned Aquaman goodness. Which is well worth a read. But for me, it once again shows why those grand ol' Silver Age comics are such classics. With their earnest exuberance and unabashed corniness, those comics offered pure escapism from all of reality. Oh, and the creators never passed up a chance for a dirty double entendre:

Rock. It. Man.

Been a little too burned out to really post anything, so on this Geek Thursday, I present a gift to you fine folks out there in cyberspace-land.


In 1978, William Shatner infamously performed a rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man." Over twenty years later, Stewie (he of Family Guy) recreated the performance, nailing the essence of it and parodying moments of it perfectly. It's funny on it's own; it's brilliantly hilarious if you've seen the original performance. And now you can. Back to back.

On this day, I give you all: Shatner vs. Stewie, thanks to GorillaMask.net.


Watch the Shatner version first - all 4 and 1/2 brilliant minutes of it. Then watch Stewie's version and bask in the glory that is Stewie doing Shatner. And then think of how our world is just a little more beautiful now.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time....

SIT REP

Status:
Grad Student

Program:
Dramatic Writing

School:
Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Mood:
Over. Whelmed.

9/11

Michael Brown: Incompetent Asshole

After his massive incompetence and ineptitude contributed to the unconscionably slow FEMA response to Hurricane Katrina, FEMA's top big-wig has FINALLY been forced off the case.

Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown, the principal target of harsh criticism of the Bush administration's response to Hurricane Katrina, was relieved of his onsite relief command Friday.

He will be replaced by Coast Guard Vice Adm. Thad W. Allen, who was overseeing New Orleans relief, recovery and rescue efforts, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced.

Michael Brown, you've just been relieved of your command, what are you gonna do?

"I'm going to go home and walk my dog and hug my wife and, maybe get a good Mexican meal and a stiff margarita and a full night's sleep. And then I'm going to go right back to FEMA and continue to do all I can to help these victims," Brown said.

WOW. I've got to help these poor victims - but first, enchilidas! Sounds a lot like what you were probably doing while Katrina was destroying the Gulf region.

Hm. I wonder what will be happening in good ol' New Orleans this weekend?

MORE than 25,000 body bags were sent to the New Orleans area as the city’s putrid, receding floodwaters began to give up their dead yesterday.

At the same time, police and National Guard forces armed with M16 automatic rifles moved from door to door to begin the forcible removal of up to 10,000 stragglers still in the devastated city.

That's almost as good as a nice, stiff Margarita.

Wait a minute, whined beaten-up Mikey Brown, right before he started crying for his momma.

"This story's not about me. This story's about the worst disaster of the history of our country that stretched every government to its limit and now we have to help these victims."

Too bad you already failed these victims, Brownie. Just like you failed at EVERYTHING else you've ever done in your life. And you would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those darned dead bodies. Enjoy your "full night's sleep." Because there's a special place in hell that's just opened up for li'l ol' you...

No time for love, Dr. Jones

Okay, so two days into my grad program and I'm already way behind. Excellent.

Meanwhile, let me pimp what is sure to be an awesome show for my lefty friends:

Tomorrow night at The Tank.

Friday, September 9th

8PM

The Tank @ Chashama @ 208 West 37th Street (btwn 7th and 8th)

www.thetanknyc.org

$7

The always lovely Katie Halper provides the dirt:

…Come to Laughing Liberally: a night of political comedy



with special guest

Julie Goldman, just back from her hit summer in Provincetown and The Michigan Womyns Music Festival, and host of this year's LA Women's Fest.



featuring

Claudia Cogan, heard on Sirius Radio, seen at Caroline's, the UCB Theatre, and the PIT.

Benari Poulten, seen at Galapagos, Sweet Paprika, and Ars Nova

Baron Vaughn, seen at Stand-Up New York, Gotham Comedy Club, the Comedy Social and the Brooklyn Comedy Company and on VH1's "Awesomely Oversexed"

Mutha Nature's Grrrl, the band dedicated to "bridging the dangerously widening gap between folk and hip-hop one jam at a time."



and hosted by

Katie Halper.

Brought to you by the national political social network Drinking Liberally

And, as an added lazy bonus, since I have nothing new to say this week, I'll leave you with the latest and greatest Jon Stewart quote, via Daily Kos:

"Now, for you people who are saying, 'Well, stop pointing fingers at the president ... left-wing ... the media's being too hard: No. Shut up. No. This is inarguably -- inarguably -- a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government.

"Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky? That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is this: Tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina."

It's my first day of school

Guess who has his first day of grad school today?

More later.

It was 28 years ago today...

Some people we lost in 1977:

January 2 - Errol Garner, American jazz musician (b. 1921)
January 14 - Anthony Eden, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom;
Peter Finch, actor;
Anaïs Nin, author
January 17 - Gary Gilmore, murderer (executed by firing squad)
January 19 - Yvonne Printemps, singer, actress
January 29 - Freddie Prinze, actor/comedian (b. 1954)
February 4 - Brett Halliday, American mystery writer (b. 1904)
February 11 - Louis Beel, Prime Minister of the Netherlands (1946-1948, 1958-1959) (b. 1902)
February 28 - Eddie 'Rochester' Anderson, actor
March 4 - Andrés Caicedo, Colombian writer (b. 1951)
March 16 - Kamal Jumblatt, leader of the Lebanese Druze
March 18 - Marien Ngouabi, President of The Congo

April 21 - Gummo Marx, American actor and comedian (b. 1892)
May 5 - Ludwig Erhard, German chancellor (b. 1897)
May 10 - Joan Crawford, American actress (b. 1904)
June 16 - Werner von Braun, German-born rocket scientist (b. 1912)
June 19 - Lady Olave Baden-Powell, English Chief Girl Guide (b. 1889)
June 19 - Ali Shariati, Iranian sociologist (b. 1933)
July 2 - Vladimir Nabokov, Russian-born writer (b. 1899)
July 13 - Carl Gustav von Rosen, Swedish pilot (b. 1909)
July 23 - Arsenio Erico, Paraguayan footballer (b. 1915)
August 14 - Ron Haydock, American actor, writer, and musician (b. 1940)
August 16 - Elvis Presley, American singer and actor (b. 1935)
August 19 - Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian (b. 1890)

(I can't believe we lost Gummo AND Groucho in the same year!)

September 1 - Ethel Waters, singer (b. 1896)
September 6 - John Edensor Littlewood, British mathematician (b. 1885)
September 10 - Hamida Djandoubi, last guillotine execution in France
September 12 - Steve Biko, South African activist
September 13 - Leopold Stokowski, English conductor (b. 1882)
September 16 - Marc Bolan, musician
September 16 - Maria Callas, American soprano
October 14 - Bing Crosby, American singer and actor
November 5 - René Goscinny, French comic book writer (b. 1926)
November 8 - Bucky Harris, baseball player (b. 1896)
November 15 - Princess Charlotte of Monaco
November 25 - Tommy Prince, Canadian war hero
December 19 - Jacques Tourneur, director
December 25 - Charlie Chaplin, English-born comedian




Some people we gained in 1977:

January 7 - Dustin Diamond, actor (Saved by the Bell)
January 8 - Amber Benson, actress
January 13 - Orlando Bloom, actor (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Troy)
January 26 - Vince Carter, American basketball star
January 28 - Daunte Culpepper, American football quarterback
January 28 - Joey Fatone, musician
February 2 - Shakira, Colombian musician
February 8 - Yucef Merhi, Venezuelan artist
February 11 - Mike Shinoda, musician
February 11 - Randy Moss, NFL star
February 16 - Ian Clarke, Freenet creator
February 20 - Stephon Marbury, basketball player
February 21 - Kevin Rose, former co-host of Attack of the Show and The Screen Savers
March 5 - Wally Szczerbiak, NBA basketball player
March 14 - Mervyn Colley, British kabbalist and ceremonial magician
March 28 - Devon, erotic actress

April 9 - Gerard Way, vocalist, My Chemical Romance
April 14 - Sarah Michelle Gellar, actress
April 14 - Chandra Levy, intern at the Bureau of Prisons in Washington, DC (d. 2001)
April 21 - Jamie Salé, figure skater
April 22 - Andruw Jones, Major League Baseball All-Star
April 24 - Carlos Beltrán, baseball player
April 25 - Kim Jong Kook, Korean musician
May 13 - Samantha Morton, actress
May 14 - Ada Nicodemou, Australian actress
May 14 - Roy Halladay, baseball pitcher
May 23 - Ilia Kulik, Russian figure skating champion
June 1 - Danielle Harris, voice actress
June 8 - Kanye West, rapper, producer
June 9 - Peja Stojakovic, Serbian NBA star
June 14 - Chris McAlister, American football player
June 16 - Kerry Wood, baseball pitcher
June 19 - Peter Warrick, American football player
June 27 - Raúl, Spanish international football star

July 1 - Jarome Iginla, NHL hockey player
July 1 - Liv Tyler, actress
July 8 - Wang Zhizhi, Chinese basketball player
July 14 - Victoria, Princess of Sweden - Crown Princess of Sweden from 1980
July 27 - Martha Anne Madison, actress
July 28 - Emanuel Ginóbili, Argentine basketball player
July 31 - Tim Couch, American football quarterback
August 3 - Angela Beesley, British Internet entrepreneur
August 3 - Tom Brady, American football player
August 9 - Chamique Holdsclaw, WNBA basketball player
August 12 - Plaxico Burress, American football player
August 15 - Igor Cassina, Italian gymnast
August 17 - Thierry Henry, French international football player
August 27 - Deco, Portuguese international football player
September 1 - Aaron Schobel, American football player

September 11 - Ludacris, rapper
September 13 - Fiona Apple, musician
September 28 - Se Ri Pak, Korean golfer
October 7 - Meighan Desmond, actress
October 11 - Claudia Palacios, Colombian journalist and newsreader.
October 14 - Kelly Schumacher, Canadian WNBA Basketball Player
October 25 - Birgit Prinz, German women' international football player
November 2 - Randy Harrison, actor
November 3 - Aria Giovanni, model and actress
November 10 - Brittany Murphy, actress
November 13 - Chanel Cole, singer
November 16 - Oksana Baiul, figure skater
November 19 - Kerri Strug, gymnast
November 21 - Jonas Jennings, American football player

December - Ahmed al-Nami, suspected terrorist
December 3 - Adam Malysz, Polish ski jumper
December 7 - Fernando Vargas, boxer
December 12 - Dahm triplets - Nicole, Erica, and Jaclyn Dahm, Playmates of the Month for December 1998
December 23 - Alge Crumpler, American football player
December 30 - Laila Ali, boxer, daughter of Muhammad Ali

And on this day in 1977 - me.

"No more goddamn press conferences."

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin:

"I need reinforcements. I need troops, man. I need 500 buses, man. This is a national disaster."

"I've been out there man. I flew in these helicopters, been in the crowds talking to people crying, don't know where their relatives are. I've done it all man, and I'll tell you man, I keep hearing that it's coming. This is coming, that is coming. And my answer to that today is BS, where is the beef? Because there is no beef in this city. "

"Get every Greyhound bus in the country and get them moving."


"I don't know whether it's the governor's problem, or it's the president's problem, but somebody needs to get ... on a plane and sit down, the two of them, and figure this out right now."

"They thinking small, man, and this is a major, major deal."

"Get off your asses and let's do something."

Young in New Orleans

by Charles Bukowski


Young in New Orleans

starving there, sitting around the bars,
and at night walking the streets for
hours,
the moonlight always seemed fake
to me, maybe it was,
and in the French Quarter I watched
the horses and buggies going by,
everybody sitting high in the open
carriages, the black driver, and in
back the man and the woman,
usually young and always white.
and I was always white.
and hardly charmed by the
world.
New Orleans was a place to
hide.
I could piss away my life,
unmolested.
except for the rats.
the rats in my dark small room
very much resented sharing it
with me.
they were large and fearless
and stared at me with eyes
that spoke
an unblinking
death.

women were beyond me.
they saw something
depraved.
there was one waitress
a little older than
I, she rather smiled,
lingered when she
brought my
coffee.

that was plenty for
me, that was
enough.

there was something about
that city, though
it didn't let me feel guilty
that I had no feeling for the
things so many others
needed.
it let me alone.

sitting up in my bed
the llights out,
hearing the outside
sounds,
lifting my cheap
bottle of wine,
letting the warmth of
the grape
enter
me
as I heard the rats
moving about the
room,
I preferred them
to
humans.


being lost,
being crazy maybe
is not so bad
if you can be
that way
undisturbed.

New Orleans gave me
that.
nobody ever called
my name.

no telephone,
no car,
no job,
no
anything.

me and the
rats
and my youth,
one time,
that time
I knew
even through the
nothingness,
it was a
celebration
of something not to
do
but only
know.

copy. paste.

Via Kevin's laziness, I have discovered what I have known all along: I am totally punk.


You're a True Punk. You know that punk isn't all
about studded jackets and mohawks. If you're
political, you're actually informed. Most of
the stuff you love is from before the 80s,
though you know bands like Fugazi kept the
spirit going.


You Know Yer Indie. Let's Sub-Categorize.
brought to you by Quizilla

I have also discovered that my barometer for judging my own stand-up comedy has become dependent upon how many ladies compliment me after a show. Oh sure, making the audience howl with laughter is certainly one way to judge comedy skills...but from my own shallow point of view, nothing makes me feel like an all-star comic more than hearing a lovely lady tell me she thought I was funny after a set.

Yes, Charles, I wanted to be a rock star musician. I just can't play an instrument.

But that's because I am totally punk.

Escape from New Orleans

And then it got worse.

Again, from the AP:

With law officers and National Guardsmen focused on saving lives, looters around the city spent another day brazenly ransacking stores for food, clothing, appliances — and guns.

Thieves commandeered a forklift and used it to push up the storm shutters and break the glass of a pharmacy. The crowd stormed the store, carrying out so much ice, water and food that it dropped from their arms as they ran. The street was littered with packages of ramen noodles and other items.

Looters also chased down a state police truck full of food. The New Orleans police chief ran off looters while city officials themselves were commandeering equipment from a looted Office Depot. During a state of emergency, authorities have broad powers to take private supplies and buildings for their use.

Officials tried to balance security needs with saving lives.

"We're multitasking right now," said New Orleans Police Capt. Marlon Defillo. "Rescue, recovery, stabilization of looting, we're trying to feed the hungry."

Gov. Kathleen Blanco said she has asked the White House to send more people to help with evacuations and rescues, thereby freeing up National Guardsmen to stop looters.

"We need to free up the National Guard to do security in the city," Blanco said.

New Orleans' homeland security chief, Terry Ebbert, said looters were breaking into stores all over town and stealing guns. He said there are gangs of armed men moving around the city. At one point, officers stranded on the roof of a hotel were fired at by criminals on the street.

The Times-Picayune newspaper reported that the gun section at a new Wal-Mart had been cleaned out by looters.

Authorities said an officer was shot in the head and a looter was wounded in a shootout. The officer was expected to survive.

Authorities planned to send more than 70 additional officers and an armed personnel carrier into the city.

In the meantime, city authorities were putting a higher priority on rescuing victims and repairing a levee breach that was spilling water into the streets.

"One of our fears is if we don't stop the breach, that we will put good people's lives in jeopardy," the governor said. "We are concerned about essentials. We are asking for more military presence in the city to control the situation better.

On New Orleans' Canal Street, dozens of looters ripped open the steel gates on clothing and jewelry stores and grabbed merchandise. In Biloxi, Miss., people picked through casino slot machines for coins and ransacked other businesses. In some cases, the looting was in full view of police and National Guardsmen.

The historic French Quarter appeared to have been spared the worst flooding, but its stores were getting the worst of human nature.

"The looting is out of control. The French Quarter has been attacked," Councilwoman Jackie Clarkson said. "We're using exhausted, scarce police to control looting when they should be used for search and rescue while we still have people on rooftops."

Sen. Mary Landrieu's helicopter was taking off Tuesday for a flyover of the devastation and she watched as a group of people smashed a window at a gas-station convenience store and jumped in.

At a drug store in the French Quarter, people were running out with grocery baskets and coolers full of soft drinks, chips and diapers. Other looters were seen leaving a store with armfuls of tennis shoes and football jerseys.

We could really use the Justice League right about now...

"And so shines a good deed in a weary world."

Sometimes, tragedies do reveal the inherent goodness of human beings.

From the AP:

Americans Contribute Millions for Relief



Americans are pouring in millions of dollars in donations for disaster relief in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, rescue organizations said Wednesday.

The Red Cross said it had so far raised $21 million, a figure comparable to the response for tsunami victims following the devastation in Asia earlier this year. Nearly $15 million of that has come from individual donations through its Web site, with the rest representing corporate contributions.

"The outpouring of support has been amazing," said Kara Bunte, a spokeswoman for the Red Cross, which has set up hundreds of shelters for hurricane victims.

"People are now starting to see the images on TV and want to help," she said.

Catholic Charities USA, based in Alexandria, Va., said it has received hundreds of calls in the last few days from volunteers asking how they can help. The group has raised $15,000 through its Web site, but will be stepping up collection efforts at churches in the coming days.

"The response is right up there with the calls we had after 9-11," said spokeswoman Shelley Borysiewicz. "The American public is quite generous and they will rise to the occasion."

And sometimes tragedies just bring out the worst.

Via News Hounds:

[Sean] Hannity introduced an interview with Charles Foti, Louisiana Attorney General, and a former New Orleans sheriff, by saying, "This morning, cameras caught people ransacking a grocery store, trying to gather as much food as possible." Nearly everyone in the video was African American. The video was show[n] repeatedly throughout the hour.

After extending "our thoughts" to Foti, Hannity continued, "These images of looting have literally shocked the nation. How bad is it?"

snip

Foti answered, "When you think about that you have no electricity, you have no food, you have limited water and the grocery stores are closed, that may not be looting. That might be self-preservation, OK? That food will go bad anyhow."

Hannity: "I think you can make that case for food. But I see people taking clothes and other items - and to a large extent televisions."

There were no people taking televisions in the video shown, although some did appear to have clothes and flowers. But mostly we saw people taking food.

Foti said his major priorities right now are to make sure the hospitals are running, to rescue people trapped on roofs, and to bring in food and water.

Hannity then accused Foti of "minimizing it."

Foti responded that he's not trying to minimize it. "The process that we have is that people are losing lives... The devastation in these areas is complete."

Alan Colmes pointedly asked if the officials didn't have many other priorities that had to take precedence over looting.

The AP even gets in on the act, as seen via Wonkette.

Finders keepers, looters weepers.

When the going gets tough ...

...the tough start giving.



Please help the Red Cross continue helping others.

We now return to my otherwise selfish life...

You WILL believe a spaghetti monster can fly ...

In an Open Letter to the Kansas School Board, Bobby Henderson makes the very compelling argument of why alternative Intelligent Design theories should ALSO be taught in school.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

There's even a chart providing empirical evidence of the inverse relationship between the decrease of pirates and the increase of global temperature.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

The evidence is overwhelming.

http://venganza.org/

Remember, we are all His creatures.

overheard

Army Chaplain: ...hear what Robertson said? That we should assassinate Chavez?

Army Major: Yeah.

Army Chaplain: See, the media gets hold of something like that and that's why people think we're all whackos.

Lady: People know the difference between this guy and good guys.

Army Major: He should keep his mouth shut. Isn't he the same guy who said that judges were worse than terrorists who flew planes into buildings?

Army Chaplain: Sicko.

(pause)

Army Major: Least he didn't get caught with a buncha whores!

Lady: Hey now --

Army Major: Remember Swaggart? With the tears! Waaah...

Army Chaplain: And what's his name. With the wife. And the make-up. Baker. Same thing!

Lady: I liked Baker...

Double super secret probation

Nothing really to say, except that I'm posting this from my military work station.

That is all.

Targeting an audience?

Um...is Monster.com recruiting for al Qaida? I only ask because their latest ad banner is hilariously unfortunate and kind of in bad taste. Anyone else disturbed by this ad banner?




Memo to Monster.com: next time you embark on a marketing campaign designed to attract prospective job seekers...uh, maybe try NOT using creepy images of targets on buildings, people, and a map of America! Unless, of course, you're looking to hire out-of-work terrorists or something...

Boston Ho

It's Annual Training time!

This year, I'll be doing two weeks of fun-filled training back in Massachusetts. What kind of training? "Army training, sir!"

So it's back to the ol' homestead for me - note to my Boston peeps (including Kevin, whom I have yet to e-mail), I'll be in town for two whole weeks while I play Army.

Special added bonus - you can come see me improv with the other fine funny folks of the Underkroft on Sunday evening at the Improv Boston Theatre in Inman Square at 7pm.

Peace, bitches.

State of the Nation

The State of Red Sox Nation is strong.
This makes me smile this morning:

The sizzling Sox, winners of 12 of their last 14 games, have opened up their American League East lead over the Yankees to a season-high 5 1/2 games. In fact, the division lead is the largest the Red Sox have had since 1995, the last time they won a division title.

broken glass

All I could do was stare blankly at the shattered blue-hued glass blanketing the sidewalk and my front passenger seat. The dangling wires that used to be attached to my car stereo hung limply from the guts of my dashboard. My car had been brutalized and violated.

That's how I started my day yesterday. Even worse, it happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING. The crackheads who smashed my window and ripped out my radio were only it in it for the vandalism and the radio, I guess, since they left my three cases of CDs in the backseat, in addition to the far more valuable assorted items scattered around my car. So, in that sense, I was extremely lucky. Needless to say, my car will no longer carry valuable items.

I've parked in far sketchier areas and nary a problem. Until stupid bloody Tuesday.

I need to give mad props to Tiffany and the gang at Liberty Mutual for making this ordeal a little bit easier, as well as the NYPD for responding immediately.

Glass can be replaced. Stereos can be replaced.

For now, I'll just try to deal with my car being viciously violated and maybe one day, I'll learn to trust again.

My father did something nice...

...and my picture got in the paper.

On Sunday, my father blew taps in Lowell as part of the first "Bugles Across America" ceremony. Since I was up this weekend for the Army, Geordarna and I took part as well, before heading back to NYC.

Surrounded by veterans from WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam, my father and I represented the latest additions from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom. Quite an honor, actually, to so visibly see the link from the present to the past and to take part in even a small ceremony that recognizes the cost of freedom and the price of war.

Nice little write-up in the Lowell Sun, as well.

Raising awareness, note by note

By ROBERT MILLS, Sun Staff
Lowell Sun

LOWELL -- Three buglers slowly played Taps last night as the VFW Walker Rogers Post 662 took part for the first time in Bugles Across America -- a movement in which buglers across the nation simultaneously play the song to honor soldiers and draw attention to their dwindling numbers.

Post 662 Commander Vincent Freeman said the post will take part in the event from now on during the first Sunday of every month, as buglers across the country raise their horns to play the solemn military song at 7:15 p.m.

Freeman kicked off a ceremony that started about 7 p.m., and as 7:15 drew near 97-year-old Handel Matley was the first to play, sounding the 24 notes of the song as the noise of cars and daily life echoed through silence of those of the VFW hall's parking lot.

As soon as Matley sounded the last note, Post 662's bugler, Bob Camble, began his version.

After Camble, 72, who is a veteran of the Korean and Vietnam wars, went Sam Poulten, of Chelmsford, an Army major [Ed. Note: he's actually a Lt. Colonel] who played Taps in Iraq as the caskets of American soldiers were loaded onto planes bound for home.

Freeman said participation in Bugles Across America is meant to honor fallen soldiers, as well as to draw attention to the dwindling numbers of buglers across the nation.

Poulten said lack of wars in past decades made buglers who can play taps less needed for a while, and that a lot of people also think it's harder than it actually is, especially in a situation where a mistake would be so regrettable.

“It can be taught, and we're willing to teach young buglers,” Poulten said.

“If you can learn to play it, it's an awesome feeling for the player, as well as those listening.”

Freeman said Bugles Across America got started in 2000 in the Midwest, and that he hopes to see the turnout at the monthly event in Lowell grow, as well as to see the event take hold in other communities.