"What's that you said, J.C.?"

The White House has denied that US President George W. Bush said God told him to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, as a new BBC documentary is expected to reveal.

That's absurd. He's never made such comments," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Thursday.

I know. Totally absurd. That'd be like telling a group of Amish voters that God speaks through you. It's like that time, when the President said:

“I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn’t do my job.’’

Or that'd be like if the President said:

I believe that God has planted in every heart the desire to live in freedom.

Or if he said:

"I believe that God wants me to be president."

I mean, that would be totally absurd.

L'Shanah Tovah

Happy Jew New Year!


After Rosh Hashanah services this year, and taking the time to reflect on my life and what I can do better in the coming year, I'm convinced that if more Jews attended High Holiday services, they wouldn't need therapy.

wild cards

So much time, so little to do. Wait. Strike that. Reverse it.

Sox are in. Just what I need. More distractions from my school work. Oh, obsession.

Harriet Miers. No experience as a judge. Because Presidential nominees with no prior experience in the job to which they've been nominated has worked out so well in the past...

Happy New Year to the Jews! And all our goyim friends, as well.

Curt response

Come on, fellas. It's the end of the season.

Let's just win.

Knuckle Down

Keep the mojo risin', the strikes a'throwin', and the bats a'swingin'. Let's take the lead today. Hug your dads, call your moms, wear your lucky shirts, rub your magic totems, pray to your gods, light your candles, and put on your rally caps.

It's on.

Let's go Red Sox.


UPDATE:

Argh. Shite.

It all rests on Schilling's ankle tomorrow. sigh.

M.V.P.

Three games left.

The end of the pennant race.

Greatest rivalry in baseball.


And the Sox need to sweep the Bombers to win it.

They need to take two out of three to force a one game play-off.

The season on the line.

And who do I trust most to come through big in a situation like this?

Who else?





Big Papi.

And of course, my boy Jason Varitek.


Let's go Red Sox.

I'm the goddamn flipper

Maybe the reports of killer dolphins on the loose are true.

Maybe the reports are false.

And wouldn't it be awesome if the reports were true:

It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico.

Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying 'toxic dart' guns. Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing.

But one thing is for sure: many brave dolphins, sea lions, and assorted aquatic animals proudly serve our country every day, and have done so for over 40 years.

Learn more about the U.S. Navy's Marine Mammal Program.

And remember: freedom is on the ma...uh, swim.

holy synchronicity

So, over at Newsarama, I just saw the preview for the new ALL STAR SUPERMAN. And they have a bunch of insightful quotes from Grant Morrison...and this part in particular jumped out at me:

My first issue, for instance, has a new power for Superman and I thought I'd come up with something, well...not bad...then I just read - yesterday in fact - the story 'Superman's New Power' which appeared in Superman #125 from November 1958. And guess what Superman's new power was in the 'conservative' ‘50s. That's right - it's a teeny-tiny little Superman who shoots out from the palm of the big Superman's hand and does everything better than Superman himself, leaving the full-size Superman feeling redundant and worthless. Holy analysis, Batman! It's mindbending, brilliant and eerie work. This is what it would be like if Charlie Kaufmann wrote and directed the Superman movie and it's far from goofy or childish, it's genuinely affecting and slightly disturbing to read Superman saying stuff like 'Everyone's impressed except ME! Don't they understand how I feel -- playing second fiddle to a miniature duplicate of myself...a sort of SUPER-IMP?'

And people think I'M weird ? I %$%$^ wish I was weird like this! I wish pop comics today had the balls to be as poetic and poignant and truly 'all-ages' again, and a little less self-conscious. I feel a little ashamed for not even daring to think of a magnificent tiny Superman who makes the real Superman feel inadequate every time he springs from his hand. Those kinds of stories were like weird fever dreams and they sold millions and millions of copies every month.

Could. Not. Agree. More.

All Star Superman. November.

It don't matter if you're black [and] white

Fun show last night at the Telephone Bar - thanks to all involved.

For anyone who likes comedy in NYC and wants to keep up with what's goin' on, Rachel Kramer Bussel's comedy blog is must reading. She's the chronicler of all things comedic in New York City and you're guaranteed to find something to scratch your comedy itch there. It's the Time Out New York of the comedy blog world. But cuter.



So, yesterday afternoon, I swing by my favorite local comic book store, Rocketship, and in my search for more bang for my buck, I come across the latest push from DC, a collection of b&w reprints of vintage Silver Age stories which is DC's answer to Marvel's amazingly successful Essentials line. Specifically, I see Showcase Presents: Superman Volume 1. Reprints of late 50's Superman and Action Comics tales, presented chronologically. And it's under 10 bucks. A fact the cover proudly proclaims. OVERPOWERING...CAN'T...RESIST! MUST...BUY...

I adore these black and white reprints. I've actually read a good number of these Superman stories already in various other collections, reprints, or in their original forms. But seeing the pure, unadulterated zaniness of the 50's Silver Age Superman in stark black and white gives these stories an underground 'zine feel, like I'm reading some kind of bootleg, indie version of iconic stories.

And the stories themselves - the first thing that struck me was how many of these stories I've already seen reprinted in "best of" collections, further proof of how iconic these stories are. Short stories, crammed with action and characterization; self-contained and easily accessible, these stories taken individually entertain with jam-packed excitement and melodrama; while taken as a whole, they cleverly create, add to, and perpetuate the well-known Superman mythos. There's a brilliantly complex simplicity in these stories; many of them hinge upon Superman acting "out of character" until intrigued readers discover that it was all part of some super plan. Other stories revolve around Superman himself trying to figure out why the world as he knows it is out of whack, whether he's dealing with his friends and/or enemies acting "out of character" or dealing with transforming into a lion -

Yes. Superman ends up with a lion's head. Only in comic books could our hero suddenly find that he's a humanoid LION. I don't know what bizarre 50's trend this was, but it plays out in spectacular Silver Age melodramatic fashion, as Superman's main conflict is trying to fit into society with a LION'S HEAD!!! Oh, Silver Age. How unpretentious you truly were.

Now, I admit - when I was a kid, I never fully appreciated the sly wit and wacky inventiveness of Silver Age DC. But, man. Looking at it now, there was so much creative energy and imagination - despite the crushing restrictions of that era's Comics' Code, these guys managed to pack every story with subversive and mind-blowing concepts that could only be found in the 4-color world of comic books. It was escapism at its best and purest, in the hands of master craftsmen who truly knew how to exploit the potential of the medium.

Surprisingly, I think one of my favorite stories here is the oddball tale of "Superman's NEW Power!", brilliantly scripted by Jerry Coleman and beautifully penciled by the legendary Wayne Boring. The cliff's notes version is that Superman loses his powers, but gains a new one: he can materialize a tiny Superman from his fingertips, complete with all his superpowers. The Last Son of Krypton watches glumly as his midget doppelganger carries out all his super feats, silently saving the day and then returning to Superman, ready to avert the next disaster when called upon. At one point, when trouble occurs, Superman flies to the rescue, sadly aware that his only power is sending out his tiny proxy; Kal-El is now feeling like a useless bystander while tiny Superman saves the day, leading to some amazingly moody reflections, such as Superman thinking: "This is a job for (sigh)...Superman's new power."

Superman feeling ineffectual next to his all-powerful, tiny counterpart?! He's got a new power that he hates, but he has to keep using it to help mankind!!! Great Caesar's Ghost, at one point, The Man of Tomorrow is even thinking about killing his midget proxy to regain his powers! And this is before the Marvel Age of the reluctant hero! Holy Sockamagee!

The story ends when the tiny Superman sacrifices himself to save the real Superman...and Superman magically regains his powers, left to wonder whether his mini-man of steel had his own heroic thoughts or whether he was merely carrying out Superman's commands.

What pathos! What drama! What comedy! Cheese and crackers, this 8-page story had more in it than 8 issues of Ultimate anything! Well worth the 10 bucks, pick up the Superman collection. There's also a Green Lantern collection out right now, where you can thrill to the beautiful line work of Gil Kane and the hipster-cool adventures of ace test pilot Hal Jordan, the most fearless man on earth with the universe's most powerful weapon. Holy High Concept, Batman. And over the next few months, there will be collections of JLA, Jonah Hex, and Metamorpho. I highly recommend these b&w reprints, as well as anything from Marvel's Essentials line. Because as simple as these tales seem, these bombastic and moody tales prove that comic books ain't so black white ...

I'd buy that for a dollar!

For just one lousy buck, you can see some comedy tonight at The Telephone Bar.

The $1 Room
Stand Up, Sketch and Video with Cassidy Henehan, Peter Kassnove and Brad Steuernagel

The Telephone Bar
149 Second Ave. (between 9th and 10th) NYC

Swing on by for some good, cheap comedy. We'll grab a beer.

Philosophy of the World

Oh, the rich people want what the poor people's got
And the poor people want what the rich people's got
And the skinny people want what the fat people's got
And the fat people want what the skinny people's got

You can never please anybody in this world

...

It doesn't matter what you do
It doesn't matter what you say
There will always be one who wants things the opposite way
We do our best, we try to please
But we're like the rest we're never at ease
You can never please
Anybody
In this world

I saw The Shaggs last night, the musical based on the real-life actual band, The Shaggs, proof that if you're gonna be bad at something, it's best to be the absolute worst.

There's a purity in the awfulness that was The Shaggs' music, an intense honesty in their dissonant chords and monotone vocals, as well as a genuine eeriness in the way in which their blunt lyrics and discordant tunes haunt you long after you'd like to erase them from your memory.

At some point, it seemed hip to laud them for their sheer atrocity - a quality which ironically made them even more rock n' roll than the slickest of rock n' rollers! From Rolling Stone to Susan Orlean, critics began recognizing the deeper emotional truth in the Shaggs' music - an unpretentious truth that is actually transcendental in a way that the over-produced William Hung phenomenon could never capture.

Because, in the end, The Shaggs weren't the instruments they couldn't really play, nor were they the lyrics they couldn't really sing. They were just some girls from New Hampshire, trapped in their father's dream, trying to be the best they could be at something they never were. And in their failure, they managed to stumble upon the elusive magic of true art.

There are many things I wonder
There are many things I don't
It seems as though the things I wonder most
Are the things I never find out

I'm Batman.

You're Classic Batman. You're the old school,
iconic Batman that everyone knows. Your
sidekick is Dick Grayson, the original Robin,
and you also team up with Batgirl alot. You're
the World's Greatest Detective, and also one of
the best fighters on the planet. You're against
guns and lethal force. Right now, you're pretty
much in the prime of your career, before you
become haunted by Dead Sidekicks and loved
ones.


What kind of Batman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Via Scipio.

time flies

Uh, okay. So being in the writing program at Tisch is a little like experiencing alcoholic blackouts. Next thing I know, it's Thursday. Of course, the actual drinking during all of this doesn't help much, either...

Also, just an observation. When you go out drinking with your class and one of your professors shows up blitzed, it can't be anything but AWESOME.

Here's where I'll be tonight:

Becky and Claudia's Supreme Offering--NOW THURSDAYS!!!
New night, same hilarious stand up, Teddy Grahams and liquor giveaway
at the end of the night

This week's comedians, as selected by God herself:
Jon Friedman (Rejection Show)
Christina McGrath (UCB NY, soon to be UCB LA)
Benari Poulten (The US Army & The Tank)
Adam Lowitt (The Daily Show)
Allison Castillo (VH1, Sweet Paprika)
Baron Vaughn (Galapagos, his one man show "Actor. Comedian. Negro.")
and your devoted co-hosts/roommates, Claudia Cogan and Becky Poole.

This Thursday, September 22nd
Graham Lounge
312 Graham Avenue--next to the Liquor Store
Between Devoe and Ainslie Streets
Take the L to Graham Ave (3rd stop in the BK) and walk a block and a half south
8:00 PM
FREE; no minimum

beat it

The Comic Treadmill has an excellent summary of some good old-fashioned Aquaman goodness. Which is well worth a read. But for me, it once again shows why those grand ol' Silver Age comics are such classics. With their earnest exuberance and unabashed corniness, those comics offered pure escapism from all of reality. Oh, and the creators never passed up a chance for a dirty double entendre:

Rock. It. Man.

Been a little too burned out to really post anything, so on this Geek Thursday, I present a gift to you fine folks out there in cyberspace-land.


In 1978, William Shatner infamously performed a rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man." Over twenty years later, Stewie (he of Family Guy) recreated the performance, nailing the essence of it and parodying moments of it perfectly. It's funny on it's own; it's brilliantly hilarious if you've seen the original performance. And now you can. Back to back.

On this day, I give you all: Shatner vs. Stewie, thanks to GorillaMask.net.


Watch the Shatner version first - all 4 and 1/2 brilliant minutes of it. Then watch Stewie's version and bask in the glory that is Stewie doing Shatner. And then think of how our world is just a little more beautiful now.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time....

SIT REP

Status:
Grad Student

Program:
Dramatic Writing

School:
Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Mood:
Over. Whelmed.

9/11

Michael Brown: Incompetent Asshole

After his massive incompetence and ineptitude contributed to the unconscionably slow FEMA response to Hurricane Katrina, FEMA's top big-wig has FINALLY been forced off the case.

Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Michael Brown, the principal target of harsh criticism of the Bush administration's response to Hurricane Katrina, was relieved of his onsite relief command Friday.

He will be replaced by Coast Guard Vice Adm. Thad W. Allen, who was overseeing New Orleans relief, recovery and rescue efforts, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced.

Michael Brown, you've just been relieved of your command, what are you gonna do?

"I'm going to go home and walk my dog and hug my wife and, maybe get a good Mexican meal and a stiff margarita and a full night's sleep. And then I'm going to go right back to FEMA and continue to do all I can to help these victims," Brown said.

WOW. I've got to help these poor victims - but first, enchilidas! Sounds a lot like what you were probably doing while Katrina was destroying the Gulf region.

Hm. I wonder what will be happening in good ol' New Orleans this weekend?

MORE than 25,000 body bags were sent to the New Orleans area as the city’s putrid, receding floodwaters began to give up their dead yesterday.

At the same time, police and National Guard forces armed with M16 automatic rifles moved from door to door to begin the forcible removal of up to 10,000 stragglers still in the devastated city.

That's almost as good as a nice, stiff Margarita.

Wait a minute, whined beaten-up Mikey Brown, right before he started crying for his momma.

"This story's not about me. This story's about the worst disaster of the history of our country that stretched every government to its limit and now we have to help these victims."

Too bad you already failed these victims, Brownie. Just like you failed at EVERYTHING else you've ever done in your life. And you would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those darned dead bodies. Enjoy your "full night's sleep." Because there's a special place in hell that's just opened up for li'l ol' you...

No time for love, Dr. Jones

Okay, so two days into my grad program and I'm already way behind. Excellent.

Meanwhile, let me pimp what is sure to be an awesome show for my lefty friends:

Tomorrow night at The Tank.

Friday, September 9th

8PM

The Tank @ Chashama @ 208 West 37th Street (btwn 7th and 8th)

www.thetanknyc.org

$7

The always lovely Katie Halper provides the dirt:

…Come to Laughing Liberally: a night of political comedy



with special guest

Julie Goldman, just back from her hit summer in Provincetown and The Michigan Womyns Music Festival, and host of this year's LA Women's Fest.



featuring

Claudia Cogan, heard on Sirius Radio, seen at Caroline's, the UCB Theatre, and the PIT.

Benari Poulten, seen at Galapagos, Sweet Paprika, and Ars Nova

Baron Vaughn, seen at Stand-Up New York, Gotham Comedy Club, the Comedy Social and the Brooklyn Comedy Company and on VH1's "Awesomely Oversexed"

Mutha Nature's Grrrl, the band dedicated to "bridging the dangerously widening gap between folk and hip-hop one jam at a time."



and hosted by

Katie Halper.

Brought to you by the national political social network Drinking Liberally

And, as an added lazy bonus, since I have nothing new to say this week, I'll leave you with the latest and greatest Jon Stewart quote, via Daily Kos:

"Now, for you people who are saying, 'Well, stop pointing fingers at the president ... left-wing ... the media's being too hard: No. Shut up. No. This is inarguably -- inarguably -- a failure of leadership from the top of the federal government.

"Remember when Bill Clinton went out with Monica Lewinsky? That was inarguably a failure of judgment at the top. Democrats had to come out and risk losing credibility if they did not condemn Bill Clinton for his behavior. I believe Republicans are in the same position right now. And I will say this: Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is this: Tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina."

It's my first day of school

Guess who has his first day of grad school today?

More later.

It was 28 years ago today...

Some people we lost in 1977:

January 2 - Errol Garner, American jazz musician (b. 1921)
January 14 - Anthony Eden, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom;
Peter Finch, actor;
Anaïs Nin, author
January 17 - Gary Gilmore, murderer (executed by firing squad)
January 19 - Yvonne Printemps, singer, actress
January 29 - Freddie Prinze, actor/comedian (b. 1954)
February 4 - Brett Halliday, American mystery writer (b. 1904)
February 11 - Louis Beel, Prime Minister of the Netherlands (1946-1948, 1958-1959) (b. 1902)
February 28 - Eddie 'Rochester' Anderson, actor
March 4 - Andrés Caicedo, Colombian writer (b. 1951)
March 16 - Kamal Jumblatt, leader of the Lebanese Druze
March 18 - Marien Ngouabi, President of The Congo

April 21 - Gummo Marx, American actor and comedian (b. 1892)
May 5 - Ludwig Erhard, German chancellor (b. 1897)
May 10 - Joan Crawford, American actress (b. 1904)
June 16 - Werner von Braun, German-born rocket scientist (b. 1912)
June 19 - Lady Olave Baden-Powell, English Chief Girl Guide (b. 1889)
June 19 - Ali Shariati, Iranian sociologist (b. 1933)
July 2 - Vladimir Nabokov, Russian-born writer (b. 1899)
July 13 - Carl Gustav von Rosen, Swedish pilot (b. 1909)
July 23 - Arsenio Erico, Paraguayan footballer (b. 1915)
August 14 - Ron Haydock, American actor, writer, and musician (b. 1940)
August 16 - Elvis Presley, American singer and actor (b. 1935)
August 19 - Groucho Marx, American actor and comedian (b. 1890)

(I can't believe we lost Gummo AND Groucho in the same year!)

September 1 - Ethel Waters, singer (b. 1896)
September 6 - John Edensor Littlewood, British mathematician (b. 1885)
September 10 - Hamida Djandoubi, last guillotine execution in France
September 12 - Steve Biko, South African activist
September 13 - Leopold Stokowski, English conductor (b. 1882)
September 16 - Marc Bolan, musician
September 16 - Maria Callas, American soprano
October 14 - Bing Crosby, American singer and actor
November 5 - René Goscinny, French comic book writer (b. 1926)
November 8 - Bucky Harris, baseball player (b. 1896)
November 15 - Princess Charlotte of Monaco
November 25 - Tommy Prince, Canadian war hero
December 19 - Jacques Tourneur, director
December 25 - Charlie Chaplin, English-born comedian




Some people we gained in 1977:

January 7 - Dustin Diamond, actor (Saved by the Bell)
January 8 - Amber Benson, actress
January 13 - Orlando Bloom, actor (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, Troy)
January 26 - Vince Carter, American basketball star
January 28 - Daunte Culpepper, American football quarterback
January 28 - Joey Fatone, musician
February 2 - Shakira, Colombian musician
February 8 - Yucef Merhi, Venezuelan artist
February 11 - Mike Shinoda, musician
February 11 - Randy Moss, NFL star
February 16 - Ian Clarke, Freenet creator
February 20 - Stephon Marbury, basketball player
February 21 - Kevin Rose, former co-host of Attack of the Show and The Screen Savers
March 5 - Wally Szczerbiak, NBA basketball player
March 14 - Mervyn Colley, British kabbalist and ceremonial magician
March 28 - Devon, erotic actress

April 9 - Gerard Way, vocalist, My Chemical Romance
April 14 - Sarah Michelle Gellar, actress
April 14 - Chandra Levy, intern at the Bureau of Prisons in Washington, DC (d. 2001)
April 21 - Jamie Salé, figure skater
April 22 - Andruw Jones, Major League Baseball All-Star
April 24 - Carlos Beltrán, baseball player
April 25 - Kim Jong Kook, Korean musician
May 13 - Samantha Morton, actress
May 14 - Ada Nicodemou, Australian actress
May 14 - Roy Halladay, baseball pitcher
May 23 - Ilia Kulik, Russian figure skating champion
June 1 - Danielle Harris, voice actress
June 8 - Kanye West, rapper, producer
June 9 - Peja Stojakovic, Serbian NBA star
June 14 - Chris McAlister, American football player
June 16 - Kerry Wood, baseball pitcher
June 19 - Peter Warrick, American football player
June 27 - Raúl, Spanish international football star

July 1 - Jarome Iginla, NHL hockey player
July 1 - Liv Tyler, actress
July 8 - Wang Zhizhi, Chinese basketball player
July 14 - Victoria, Princess of Sweden - Crown Princess of Sweden from 1980
July 27 - Martha Anne Madison, actress
July 28 - Emanuel Ginóbili, Argentine basketball player
July 31 - Tim Couch, American football quarterback
August 3 - Angela Beesley, British Internet entrepreneur
August 3 - Tom Brady, American football player
August 9 - Chamique Holdsclaw, WNBA basketball player
August 12 - Plaxico Burress, American football player
August 15 - Igor Cassina, Italian gymnast
August 17 - Thierry Henry, French international football player
August 27 - Deco, Portuguese international football player
September 1 - Aaron Schobel, American football player

September 11 - Ludacris, rapper
September 13 - Fiona Apple, musician
September 28 - Se Ri Pak, Korean golfer
October 7 - Meighan Desmond, actress
October 11 - Claudia Palacios, Colombian journalist and newsreader.
October 14 - Kelly Schumacher, Canadian WNBA Basketball Player
October 25 - Birgit Prinz, German women' international football player
November 2 - Randy Harrison, actor
November 3 - Aria Giovanni, model and actress
November 10 - Brittany Murphy, actress
November 13 - Chanel Cole, singer
November 16 - Oksana Baiul, figure skater
November 19 - Kerri Strug, gymnast
November 21 - Jonas Jennings, American football player

December - Ahmed al-Nami, suspected terrorist
December 3 - Adam Malysz, Polish ski jumper
December 7 - Fernando Vargas, boxer
December 12 - Dahm triplets - Nicole, Erica, and Jaclyn Dahm, Playmates of the Month for December 1998
December 23 - Alge Crumpler, American football player
December 30 - Laila Ali, boxer, daughter of Muhammad Ali

And on this day in 1977 - me.

"No more goddamn press conferences."

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin:

"I need reinforcements. I need troops, man. I need 500 buses, man. This is a national disaster."

"I've been out there man. I flew in these helicopters, been in the crowds talking to people crying, don't know where their relatives are. I've done it all man, and I'll tell you man, I keep hearing that it's coming. This is coming, that is coming. And my answer to that today is BS, where is the beef? Because there is no beef in this city. "

"Get every Greyhound bus in the country and get them moving."


"I don't know whether it's the governor's problem, or it's the president's problem, but somebody needs to get ... on a plane and sit down, the two of them, and figure this out right now."

"They thinking small, man, and this is a major, major deal."

"Get off your asses and let's do something."

Young in New Orleans

by Charles Bukowski


Young in New Orleans

starving there, sitting around the bars,
and at night walking the streets for
hours,
the moonlight always seemed fake
to me, maybe it was,
and in the French Quarter I watched
the horses and buggies going by,
everybody sitting high in the open
carriages, the black driver, and in
back the man and the woman,
usually young and always white.
and I was always white.
and hardly charmed by the
world.
New Orleans was a place to
hide.
I could piss away my life,
unmolested.
except for the rats.
the rats in my dark small room
very much resented sharing it
with me.
they were large and fearless
and stared at me with eyes
that spoke
an unblinking
death.

women were beyond me.
they saw something
depraved.
there was one waitress
a little older than
I, she rather smiled,
lingered when she
brought my
coffee.

that was plenty for
me, that was
enough.

there was something about
that city, though
it didn't let me feel guilty
that I had no feeling for the
things so many others
needed.
it let me alone.

sitting up in my bed
the llights out,
hearing the outside
sounds,
lifting my cheap
bottle of wine,
letting the warmth of
the grape
enter
me
as I heard the rats
moving about the
room,
I preferred them
to
humans.


being lost,
being crazy maybe
is not so bad
if you can be
that way
undisturbed.

New Orleans gave me
that.
nobody ever called
my name.

no telephone,
no car,
no job,
no
anything.

me and the
rats
and my youth,
one time,
that time
I knew
even through the
nothingness,
it was a
celebration
of something not to
do
but only
know.

copy. paste.

Via Kevin's laziness, I have discovered what I have known all along: I am totally punk.


You're a True Punk. You know that punk isn't all
about studded jackets and mohawks. If you're
political, you're actually informed. Most of
the stuff you love is from before the 80s,
though you know bands like Fugazi kept the
spirit going.


You Know Yer Indie. Let's Sub-Categorize.
brought to you by Quizilla

I have also discovered that my barometer for judging my own stand-up comedy has become dependent upon how many ladies compliment me after a show. Oh sure, making the audience howl with laughter is certainly one way to judge comedy skills...but from my own shallow point of view, nothing makes me feel like an all-star comic more than hearing a lovely lady tell me she thought I was funny after a set.

Yes, Charles, I wanted to be a rock star musician. I just can't play an instrument.

But that's because I am totally punk.

Escape from New Orleans

And then it got worse.

Again, from the AP:

With law officers and National Guardsmen focused on saving lives, looters around the city spent another day brazenly ransacking stores for food, clothing, appliances — and guns.

Thieves commandeered a forklift and used it to push up the storm shutters and break the glass of a pharmacy. The crowd stormed the store, carrying out so much ice, water and food that it dropped from their arms as they ran. The street was littered with packages of ramen noodles and other items.

Looters also chased down a state police truck full of food. The New Orleans police chief ran off looters while city officials themselves were commandeering equipment from a looted Office Depot. During a state of emergency, authorities have broad powers to take private supplies and buildings for their use.

Officials tried to balance security needs with saving lives.

"We're multitasking right now," said New Orleans Police Capt. Marlon Defillo. "Rescue, recovery, stabilization of looting, we're trying to feed the hungry."

Gov. Kathleen Blanco said she has asked the White House to send more people to help with evacuations and rescues, thereby freeing up National Guardsmen to stop looters.

"We need to free up the National Guard to do security in the city," Blanco said.

New Orleans' homeland security chief, Terry Ebbert, said looters were breaking into stores all over town and stealing guns. He said there are gangs of armed men moving around the city. At one point, officers stranded on the roof of a hotel were fired at by criminals on the street.

The Times-Picayune newspaper reported that the gun section at a new Wal-Mart had been cleaned out by looters.

Authorities said an officer was shot in the head and a looter was wounded in a shootout. The officer was expected to survive.

Authorities planned to send more than 70 additional officers and an armed personnel carrier into the city.

In the meantime, city authorities were putting a higher priority on rescuing victims and repairing a levee breach that was spilling water into the streets.

"One of our fears is if we don't stop the breach, that we will put good people's lives in jeopardy," the governor said. "We are concerned about essentials. We are asking for more military presence in the city to control the situation better.

On New Orleans' Canal Street, dozens of looters ripped open the steel gates on clothing and jewelry stores and grabbed merchandise. In Biloxi, Miss., people picked through casino slot machines for coins and ransacked other businesses. In some cases, the looting was in full view of police and National Guardsmen.

The historic French Quarter appeared to have been spared the worst flooding, but its stores were getting the worst of human nature.

"The looting is out of control. The French Quarter has been attacked," Councilwoman Jackie Clarkson said. "We're using exhausted, scarce police to control looting when they should be used for search and rescue while we still have people on rooftops."

Sen. Mary Landrieu's helicopter was taking off Tuesday for a flyover of the devastation and she watched as a group of people smashed a window at a gas-station convenience store and jumped in.

At a drug store in the French Quarter, people were running out with grocery baskets and coolers full of soft drinks, chips and diapers. Other looters were seen leaving a store with armfuls of tennis shoes and football jerseys.

We could really use the Justice League right about now...

"And so shines a good deed in a weary world."

Sometimes, tragedies do reveal the inherent goodness of human beings.

From the AP:

Americans Contribute Millions for Relief



Americans are pouring in millions of dollars in donations for disaster relief in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, rescue organizations said Wednesday.

The Red Cross said it had so far raised $21 million, a figure comparable to the response for tsunami victims following the devastation in Asia earlier this year. Nearly $15 million of that has come from individual donations through its Web site, with the rest representing corporate contributions.

"The outpouring of support has been amazing," said Kara Bunte, a spokeswoman for the Red Cross, which has set up hundreds of shelters for hurricane victims.

"People are now starting to see the images on TV and want to help," she said.

Catholic Charities USA, based in Alexandria, Va., said it has received hundreds of calls in the last few days from volunteers asking how they can help. The group has raised $15,000 through its Web site, but will be stepping up collection efforts at churches in the coming days.

"The response is right up there with the calls we had after 9-11," said spokeswoman Shelley Borysiewicz. "The American public is quite generous and they will rise to the occasion."

And sometimes tragedies just bring out the worst.

Via News Hounds:

[Sean] Hannity introduced an interview with Charles Foti, Louisiana Attorney General, and a former New Orleans sheriff, by saying, "This morning, cameras caught people ransacking a grocery store, trying to gather as much food as possible." Nearly everyone in the video was African American. The video was show[n] repeatedly throughout the hour.

After extending "our thoughts" to Foti, Hannity continued, "These images of looting have literally shocked the nation. How bad is it?"

snip

Foti answered, "When you think about that you have no electricity, you have no food, you have limited water and the grocery stores are closed, that may not be looting. That might be self-preservation, OK? That food will go bad anyhow."

Hannity: "I think you can make that case for food. But I see people taking clothes and other items - and to a large extent televisions."

There were no people taking televisions in the video shown, although some did appear to have clothes and flowers. But mostly we saw people taking food.

Foti said his major priorities right now are to make sure the hospitals are running, to rescue people trapped on roofs, and to bring in food and water.

Hannity then accused Foti of "minimizing it."

Foti responded that he's not trying to minimize it. "The process that we have is that people are losing lives... The devastation in these areas is complete."

Alan Colmes pointedly asked if the officials didn't have many other priorities that had to take precedence over looting.

The AP even gets in on the act, as seen via Wonkette.

Finders keepers, looters weepers.

When the going gets tough ...

...the tough start giving.



Please help the Red Cross continue helping others.

We now return to my otherwise selfish life...

You WILL believe a spaghetti monster can fly ...

In an Open Letter to the Kansas School Board, Bobby Henderson makes the very compelling argument of why alternative Intelligent Design theories should ALSO be taught in school.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

There's even a chart providing empirical evidence of the inverse relationship between the decrease of pirates and the increase of global temperature.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

The evidence is overwhelming.

http://venganza.org/

Remember, we are all His creatures.

overheard

Army Chaplain: ...hear what Robertson said? That we should assassinate Chavez?

Army Major: Yeah.

Army Chaplain: See, the media gets hold of something like that and that's why people think we're all whackos.

Lady: People know the difference between this guy and good guys.

Army Major: He should keep his mouth shut. Isn't he the same guy who said that judges were worse than terrorists who flew planes into buildings?

Army Chaplain: Sicko.

(pause)

Army Major: Least he didn't get caught with a buncha whores!

Lady: Hey now --

Army Major: Remember Swaggart? With the tears! Waaah...

Army Chaplain: And what's his name. With the wife. And the make-up. Baker. Same thing!

Lady: I liked Baker...

Double super secret probation

Nothing really to say, except that I'm posting this from my military work station.

That is all.

Targeting an audience?

Um...is Monster.com recruiting for al Qaida? I only ask because their latest ad banner is hilariously unfortunate and kind of in bad taste. Anyone else disturbed by this ad banner?




Memo to Monster.com: next time you embark on a marketing campaign designed to attract prospective job seekers...uh, maybe try NOT using creepy images of targets on buildings, people, and a map of America! Unless, of course, you're looking to hire out-of-work terrorists or something...

Boston Ho

It's Annual Training time!

This year, I'll be doing two weeks of fun-filled training back in Massachusetts. What kind of training? "Army training, sir!"

So it's back to the ol' homestead for me - note to my Boston peeps (including Kevin, whom I have yet to e-mail), I'll be in town for two whole weeks while I play Army.

Special added bonus - you can come see me improv with the other fine funny folks of the Underkroft on Sunday evening at the Improv Boston Theatre in Inman Square at 7pm.

Peace, bitches.

State of the Nation

The State of Red Sox Nation is strong.
This makes me smile this morning:

The sizzling Sox, winners of 12 of their last 14 games, have opened up their American League East lead over the Yankees to a season-high 5 1/2 games. In fact, the division lead is the largest the Red Sox have had since 1995, the last time they won a division title.

broken glass

All I could do was stare blankly at the shattered blue-hued glass blanketing the sidewalk and my front passenger seat. The dangling wires that used to be attached to my car stereo hung limply from the guts of my dashboard. My car had been brutalized and violated.

That's how I started my day yesterday. Even worse, it happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT BUILDING. The crackheads who smashed my window and ripped out my radio were only it in it for the vandalism and the radio, I guess, since they left my three cases of CDs in the backseat, in addition to the far more valuable assorted items scattered around my car. So, in that sense, I was extremely lucky. Needless to say, my car will no longer carry valuable items.

I've parked in far sketchier areas and nary a problem. Until stupid bloody Tuesday.

I need to give mad props to Tiffany and the gang at Liberty Mutual for making this ordeal a little bit easier, as well as the NYPD for responding immediately.

Glass can be replaced. Stereos can be replaced.

For now, I'll just try to deal with my car being viciously violated and maybe one day, I'll learn to trust again.

My father did something nice...

...and my picture got in the paper.

On Sunday, my father blew taps in Lowell as part of the first "Bugles Across America" ceremony. Since I was up this weekend for the Army, Geordarna and I took part as well, before heading back to NYC.

Surrounded by veterans from WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam, my father and I represented the latest additions from Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom. Quite an honor, actually, to so visibly see the link from the present to the past and to take part in even a small ceremony that recognizes the cost of freedom and the price of war.

Nice little write-up in the Lowell Sun, as well.

Raising awareness, note by note

By ROBERT MILLS, Sun Staff
Lowell Sun

LOWELL -- Three buglers slowly played Taps last night as the VFW Walker Rogers Post 662 took part for the first time in Bugles Across America -- a movement in which buglers across the nation simultaneously play the song to honor soldiers and draw attention to their dwindling numbers.

Post 662 Commander Vincent Freeman said the post will take part in the event from now on during the first Sunday of every month, as buglers across the country raise their horns to play the solemn military song at 7:15 p.m.

Freeman kicked off a ceremony that started about 7 p.m., and as 7:15 drew near 97-year-old Handel Matley was the first to play, sounding the 24 notes of the song as the noise of cars and daily life echoed through silence of those of the VFW hall's parking lot.

As soon as Matley sounded the last note, Post 662's bugler, Bob Camble, began his version.

After Camble, 72, who is a veteran of the Korean and Vietnam wars, went Sam Poulten, of Chelmsford, an Army major [Ed. Note: he's actually a Lt. Colonel] who played Taps in Iraq as the caskets of American soldiers were loaded onto planes bound for home.

Freeman said participation in Bugles Across America is meant to honor fallen soldiers, as well as to draw attention to the dwindling numbers of buglers across the nation.

Poulten said lack of wars in past decades made buglers who can play taps less needed for a while, and that a lot of people also think it's harder than it actually is, especially in a situation where a mistake would be so regrettable.

“It can be taught, and we're willing to teach young buglers,” Poulten said.

“If you can learn to play it, it's an awesome feeling for the player, as well as those listening.”

Freeman said Bugles Across America got started in 2000 in the Midwest, and that he hopes to see the turnout at the monthly event in Lowell grow, as well as to see the event take hold in other communities.

"...what do you call this act?"

Mention you're a comedian these days, and talk invariably swings toward The Aristocrats.

The funniest unfunny joke ever.

I saw the movie last week and in my expert opinion, 'tis a fine documentary. It's an invaluable glimpse into the minds of comedians, as well as an entertaining look at how every comic makes the same "joke" their own. If comedy was a class, this would be required viewing.

But.

(you knew there would be a "but")

I feel like watching these comedians riff on the many vulgar variations of the joke, I was really watching the end of an era. If "the Aristocrats" was the secret handshake of comics, the secret club just went public. And while I appreciate the chance to see giants like Carlin improvise on the most infamous shaggy dog joke around, I feel like the genius of what I saw is wasted on a non-comedy audience. A lot of people just won't get it. There's just something that separates comics' senses of humors from everyone else...and this joke personifies that. Not that non-comics can't appreciate or enjoy this documentary. But some things you either get or you don't. There's a reason comics entertain themselves with this bit when the audience has gone home; there's a reason they call it "playing to the back of the room."

It's the ultimate inside bit - passed down from generation to generation since the early days of vaudeville. Until now.

I can't help but feel that in just a few short months, open mikers around the country will start running "Aristocrats"-themed shows, trying hard to out-gross one another and completely missing the point.

Anyone can go blue. The magic isn't in the joke itself or even the dirty acts described. The magic is in who told the joke. The magic is in how it was told by master craftsmen (& craftswomen). Imagine hearing Johnny Carson regaling comics with inspired obscenities, spewing forth from his reserved mouth. Imagine Mike O'Donoghue waxing poetic for 1/2 an hour on the finer points of forbidden carnal pleasures. THAT's the magic of hearing the Aristocrats. Yet, now every open miker who can use Fandago can string together a few scatalogical references and suddenly, they think they're in the club and have the creds to tell their version of the joke.

They're not in the club. I'm not in the club. Most of us aren't in the club. But now everyone thinks they know how to get in.

Let me set ya straight: if the first time you heard about The Aristocrats was from hearing about this movie, you're not ready to tell your version of it.

Not that I'm an expert. But I do remember when I first heard about the mythical fella with the dirtiest family act in town.

I first heard it from the late great Jay Ginsberg, back in my child actor days at the Merrimack Repertory Theatre. My personal patron saint of comedy, Jay set me on the path to ruin at a very young age, infecting my young impressionable mind with all sorts of archaic comedy bits and always reminding me that once I hit puberty and the cuteness wore off, my acting career was all over. Hm. I guess he was also my own personal oracle...but I digress. Jay's another tale for another time.

So, here I am, a young child actor (around Bar Mitzvah age) and I'm doing my third or fourth show with Jay, Enemy of the People at the Merrimack Repertory Theatre. In one of the early scenes, a bunch of us are in the background sitting around the table and at some point, we all laugh. It became a running gag that I would (very quietly) tell a stupid joke right before the scripted laugh. Of course, I very quickly ran out of jokes to tell. So, I immediately went to the source of all things funny: Jay. And, every night, he would provide me with some raunchy or off-color little jokes with which I could softly regale my fellow actors.

Then, one night, while we're all sitting downstairs in the green room, I make my nightly request for a joke. Jay throws one or two clunkers at me and at this point, I'm being picky. After I reject a dirty little joke about two nuns on a bike, Jay looks at me with affectionate annoyance and a devilish gleam, as if to say, "who the hell does this kid think he is?" In fact, he may have actually said that. In any event, he takes a deep breath and slowly begins:

"A man walks into a talent agency..."

I can still hear him chuckling at the end of that opening sentence. Some of the actors already had a clue what he was doing and began giggling before he even got to the family's entrance. Others, who had never heard of the existence of the joke, doubled over with laughter at the dirty deeds described, shaking their heads incredulously at Jay's hilariously graphic descriptions and impeccable delivery. Me...I, uh, I ...I mean, it was cool...I was laughing and I knew I was hearing something unique...but the punchline? I didn't get it. I didn't get that I had just unwittingly learned comedy's dirtiest little secret.

"...and what do you call you this act?"

I can still see Jay sitting there, smiling broadly as he thrusts his arms outward in a "taaa-daaa" tableau:

"The Aristocrats!"

I smiled, knowing that he had just thrown the big guns at me to shock my little system. "I think I'll go with the joke about the nuns."

I didn't realize it at the time, but he had just rocked my world. I think I pestered him throughout the rest of the run to figure out what that "Aristocrats" joke was all about and why it should be funny. He explained that it was an old vaudeville joke and that I was just too young to understand. I was too young to understand.

I get it now. And I can't believe how lucky I am to have at least heard a (probably tame) variation of the joke by someone like Jay.

And now here I am, more than a decade later, working my way up the comedy ranks ... in no small part thanks to Jay's unrelenting torment and inspiration. And I know, somewhere behind the Pearly Gates, in the back of the room in the back of a lounge of a smokey club, the likes of Lenny Bruce and Sam Kinnison are howling with laughter. And there, 'neath a dim spotlight 'gainst a brick wall, stands Jay, smiling broadly with his arms outstretched in a "taaa-daaa" tableau, exclaiming:

"The Aristocrats!"

Instant Karma

Wow. Karma is a bee-yotch this week.

Again, not to pour salt into a gaping wound, but if I were a resident of Ohio's 2nd district who voted Republican, I'd feel pretty crummy about myself. Hot on the heels of a gen-uuu-ine Iraq war veteran and Marine reservist narrowly losing a special Congressional election, we learn news that an Ohio unit just lost 20 Marines in Iraq.

I'm just sayin'...

My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and friends of those Marines. And my thoughts and prayers and future donations go out to Paul Hackett.

Hackett, 43, a lawyer and Marine reservist who recently completed a seven-month tour, was vying to become the first combat veteran of the Iraq war to serve in Congress.

"This was a success. We should all be proud," Hackett told cheering supporters. "The voters of the 2nd District won because we gave them a choice."

He drew attention to the race with his flame-throwing assaults on Bush, namely for the president's July 2003 "bring 'em on" comment about Iraqi insurgents. Hackett called it the "most incredibly stupid comment" he ever heard a president make, saying it "cheered on the enemy."

Hackett said he expects to return to Iraq with his unit sometime next year. Grinning when supporters cheered "'06," he said he'll have to think it over.

Not to make light of a tragedy, but...

It's a bad time to be a Boy Scout these days.

Lightning struck a shelter at a Boy Scout camp high in the mountains, killing one youth and injuring three others, authorities said Wednesday.

The lightning bolt struck the Camp Steiner shelter, a log structure open on one side, Tuesday night, said sheriff's deputy Wally Hendricks said.

The rest of the Boy Scouts at the camp returned home, Hendricks said. No one answered the telephone at the Great Salt Lake Boy Scout Council, but the deputy said he believed they were all from the Salt Lake County area.

The dead scout was 15, authorities said. Names of the victims were not released.

Camp Steiner is in the Uinta Mountains, about 60 miles east of Salt Lake City. It is the highest Boy Scout camp in the country at an elevation of 10,400 feet.

A line of powerful thunderstorms had rolled across much of Utah on Tuesday, causing flash floods in the southwestern part of the state, taking out a bridge and closing a highway.

Last Thursday, an assistant Scoutmaster and a 13-year-old Scout were killed by lightning in California's Sequoia National Park. And four Scout leaders at the National Boy Scout Jamboree in Virginia were electrocuted July 24 in front of several Scouts after they lost control of a metal tent pole and it fell against a power line.

Oy. Rough year for the scouts.

Happy Birthday, Daddio

In honor of the old man's birthday, let us take a moment to reflect upon the fact that while I was deployed to Guantanamo Bay in support of Operation Enduring Freedom, he got sent to Iraq (he's home now). And while I have struggled to pursue a career in stand-up comedy, he had his picture taken with Robin Williams. In Iraq.

Some guys have all the luck. Except for that whole Iraq thing.

If you look real close, you can see he's holding up a picture of me...always the proud papa.

Happy birthday, dad!

Here comes the neighborhood

This weekend, I checked out Brooklyn's latest and classiest comicbook establishment, Rocketship. Not only is it friendly and inviting with a fine selection of comics (and a particular focus on independent publishers), but it also has the benefit of being right down the street from me. Sweet.

Check 'em out if you're ever in Brooklyn...it's a pretty snazzy joint.

All You Need Is Cash

My birthday is September 4th. Anyone with a few extra hundred thousand dollars lying around are more than welcome to do some advance gift shopping. Anything from the this auction would be greatly appreciated. Especially if it's the hand-written lyrics to All You Need Is Love. Thanks in advance.

John Lennon Memorabilia to Be Auctioned
By JILL LAWLESS, Associated Press Writer
1 hour, 26 minutes ago



Money can't buy you love. But a few hundred thousand can get you a piece of Beatles history. A collection of John Lennon memorabilia valued by auctioneers at more than $2 million is being sold in London Thursday.

The sale includes youthful paintings and handwritten lyrics, jackets, eyeglasses and even furniture from the late former Beatle's home. The most valuable items have been gathered over 25 years by one anonymous American collector. Auctioneer Cooper Owen, a company which specializes in music and film memorabilia, says it constitutes "the most definitive collection of John Lennon memorabilia ever assembled."

The centerpiece of the sale at London's Hippodrome nightclub is handwritten lyrics to "All You Need is Love," salvaged from Lennon's music stand after The Beatles' final TV appearance in 1967 and estimated at between $870,000 and $1 million.

Cooper Owen director Ted Owen said the manuscript was "the Holy Grail of Beatles lyrics."

"It's probably one of the few remaining Beatles lyrics in private collectors' hands and one of the most important musical manuscripts in existence," Owen said. "It was the anthem of the peace movement ... the anthem of 1967."

The sale includes other items that loom large in the history of the 1960s. There's the Vox Continental organ that Lennon played during The Beatles' famous Shea Stadium concert in New York in 1965, expected to fetch more than $350,000.

The tunic of a World War One military band member, worn by Lennon for a 1966 Life magazine photo shoot — and a possible inspiration for the group's martial look on the cover of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" — is valued at least $175,000.

The bedspread from Lennon and Yoko Ono's 1969 Montreal "bed-in," embroidered with the message "all you need is love," carries an estimate of at least $53,000.

While Beatles memorabilia is among the most coveted by rock collectors, past auctions have sometimes been disappointing. Last year an autograph Lennon signed shortly before he was shot and killed outside his Manhattan apartment building in 1980 failed to reach its minimum price of $143,000 at a Cooper Owen auction.

But Pete Nash, a memorabilia expert with the British Beatles Fan Club, said many of the items in Thursday's sale were special.

"It's lovely, lovely stuff," Nash said. "There are some real museum pieces. It's not the usual run-of-the-mill memorabilia."

He said the most expensive items, beyond the reach of most Beatles collectors, would likely go to "about 20 heavy-duty collectors in the world who seem to have unlimited funds."

Owen said pieces like the "All You Need is Love" lyrics were worth every penny.

"They're part of our history now," he said. "In the British Library, opposite the Magna Carta, are three sets of Beatles lyrics next to Beethoven and Bach."

Ouch.

And you thought you might have had a bad night...

Here's to a safe and speedy recovery for Matt Clement!

googling for fame

We all want our 15 minutes of fame. And for some, that 15 minutes can stretch pretty far. For others...not so much. While by no means scientific, I think the longevity of someone's 15 minutes can be seens as being directly proportional to how many times a day they are googled.

For a few weeks, google searches for 'Lauren Bergfeld' sent hapless googlers to this here site. Sorry, fellas. Checking the recent stats, google searches for Lauren Bergfeld are WAY down from a few weeks ago.

And so fades the brief-but-shining star of yet another reality television supah stah.

Your 15 minutes is up in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

Get me a book deal STAT!

Some publishing company somewhere should be giving me massive piles of cash to write self-help relationship books for chicks. I mean women. Sorry. Womyn.

Quick backstory:

Late night.
Roof deck.
Copious amounts of alcohol.
Ladies. Lots.


As always, the conversation turns pseudo-serious into "what women are looking for." Obviously, personality/emotional compatibility and sexual chemistry are musts. But one particularly honest lady put forth that - for a long-term relationship to work - money is also an essential component. So, for a good relationship to flourish, you need to have the ability to relate to one another on an emotional, psychological, and sexual level AND you need to have some sort of financial security. Leading me to brilliantly proclaim that the three key ingredients for any successful relationship are:

Sex.
Psych.
Stability.


I anxiously await the call from Random House to publish my sensitively titled book: What Chicks Dig.


*Note: Not so insightful in the sober glow of daylight. But still.

Saturday Morning rules

Rule #1: The mailman is not allowed to ring the buzzer before 9 AM. Ya hear me? No deliveries before 9 AM! And that goes for anyone out there who's thinking about ringing my buzzer before 9 AM on a Saturday morning.

It's downright unAmerican.

And that's it. That's the only rule.


------------------------------------------------------------

So. Last night was interesting. I'm not even sure if I want to blog about it - I feel like blogging about it may somehow diminish the moment. Yet...I have a blog. I should say something about what happened. I guess.

A guy got shot last night in front of our bar.

In the shoulder. In the West Village.

We never saw the actual shooting - it happened in the street, away from the bar. It was the jarring experience of witnessing how others were reacting to the situation that really made the evening surreal.

An athletic black man in a sleeveless shirt and jeans stumbles to the door and collapses on the stairs outside, clutching his bleeding wound, looking more pissed and inconvenienced than hurt.

Commotion at the door. Some chick yelps. The door slams shut. The bartender cuts the music. Someone's been shot. Did anyone hear a shot? No one heard a shot. Someone's shot? Call 9-1-1. Call 9-1-1! I'm hopping up from my chair. One of the guys I'm with has grabbed his mini-CPR kit. I'm running through my head the basics of how to treat a shock victim. Not hearing a gun shot concerns me. It must have happened farther away. Stunned silence gives way to morbid curiosity. Some cooze assures her friends that its best to leave him outside because bringing him in is "bad for business." Her boyfriend verbally bitch slaps her. "Bad for business? There's a man bleeding on the steps! Who gives a fuck about anything else?" A spark of humanity.

A crowd of people stood and stared.

Give him room. Keep pressure on the wound. Keep his head above his heart. Elevate his legs. Keep him talking. Police arrive immediately. Props to the NYPD. Ambulance on the way. Everyone get back. He knew the guy who shot him. Doesn't know his name. He can describe him. Sirens wail. It happened down the street. He was on the way to the store. I'm wondering if he got shot over some dame. I'm wondering why I'm thinking in 1940s pulp terminology. I know the answer. Out comes a stretcher. The guy stands up and sits himself down on the stretcher. The evening resumes. A round of 'shots' for everyone, on the house. The gallows humor is lost on no one. The cooze and her friends leave. Her friends are looking at her a little differently now.

Everything's back to normal. But now we all know who we are.

Thursday Geek Out

The other night, I caught a late night episode of an old Justice League short from the swingin’ 60s which has one of my all time favorite Superman quotes ever.

Chasing an extra-terrestrial fugitive to Earth, evil aliens dispatch a “magno-missile” to our planet and pull the Earth out of its orbit (you could do that back in those crazy days). As the invading aliens prepare to attack, the ever-vigilant Justice League springs into action! Taking decisive action, Superman quickly barks out commands:


Superman: "Flash, you and the Atom take care of the magno-missile."

Flash: "Check."

Superman: "Hawkman, you take care of Valkar."

Hawkman: "There's no safer place than by my side."

Superman: "You hold off the invading army, Green Lantern. I'll go push the Earth back."

“I’ll go push the Earth back.”

I’LL GO PUSH THE EARTH BACK! Dude! Forget the fact that Green Lantern - in all his glorious bad-ass splendor - holds off an entire ARMY of alien invaders – Superman pushes the Earth back into its orbit. The entire planet Earth. And he says it so casually, like he’s taking out the garbage. Of course he’s going to push back the Earth. Of course. Duh.

How can you not love comic books and cartoons after that?!

And the best part: nobody thinks this is out of the ordinary. Like, the Flash never thinks, “Hey, pushing the Earth back, that sounds pretty hard.” Nope. He and the Atom rush off to destroy the poorly-named magno-missile. The Atom never even takes a moment to reflect on the insignificance of his powers next to the overwhelming might of Superman. Hawkman is cool just chillin’ with his new homey Valkor. Everyone just sort of plays along, as if baby-sitting some whiny alien refuge is the same as juggling planets. It doesn’t even occur to them that really, Superman doesn’t even need their help; he’s just giving them some busy work to keep them occupied. He wouldn’t want them to feel bad while, ya know, he pushes the Earth back! He’s just that kind of guy. It’s just one more of his many powers; the power of being super-cool.

And just because Superman is powerful enough to put ol’ lady Earth back in her place, don’t think he doesn’t know how to sweet talk the ladies. While doing what appears to be a super-hand-stand as he pushes the planet back into orbit, the Man of Steel grunts, “Don’t … fight me … Mother Earth.” That’s right, Earth. The Man of Tomorrow is just trying to do right by you. So let him do his thing so you can do yours, baby. He’s doing it for you, sugar. All for you. Shhhh. Don't fight it. Just relax. Shhhhh.

In the span of 90 seconds, the Earth is back in orbit, the alien army defeated, the galaxy is protected, and humanity has been saved once more. All thanks to … the Justice League. But mostly Superman.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I have to go push the Earth back.

Plugging along

I'm at the Tank tonight.

The Tank @ chashama is located at 208 West 37th Street between 7th and 8th Avenues.

That is all.

Rally Caps

All right boys...let's snap this losing streak. Let's get Johnny started on another 29-game hitting streak. Let's take back the 1st place spot in the AL East. We're down right now...and that's how we like it. Let's go out there and win one for ol' Lady Yawkey tonight!

In Loving Memory: 29 Games

You know it's not going well with a girl when ...

Actual conversation this evening at a bar, before a show:

Her: What did you say your name was?

Me: Benari.

Her: Bernard?

Me: Benari.

Her: Oh, Benard?

Me: Ben. Ari.

Her: Benard. That's so funny.

(slight pause)

Me: It's - -

Her: That's what we call my brother. His name is Ben, but we started calling him Benard and it just somehow became Benard from then on. He hates it.

Me: What was your name again?

Her: Libby.

Me: Oh, THAT'S funny. Because Dick Cheney's chief of staff's name is Libby - Scooter Libby - and I hate him.

Her: Oh, no, that's a different Libby. His Libby's on the other end.

Me: (thinking) I am never going to get laid again ever.

'F' the Train

Packed tighter than an e-bay shipment, our crammed train departed sans air conditioning this morning 17 minutes behind schedule and chugging along at a jerky pace slightly faster than a jog. Now, I have no idea why only one “F” train showed up in a 30 minute time frame – I can only imagine that some unforeseen occurrence caused a bit of a back-up and forced what was obviously the city’s most uncomfortable train to shoulder the heavy burden of transporting bleary-eyed New Yorkers to their Manhattan destinations this fine early-morning rush hour.

As we maneuver ourselves into the cars in Tetris-styled contortions, my vision begins to blur as I find myself covered in a bitter film of sweat, a salty sea of electrolytes flowing forth from my pores. Oh, the minor inconveniences we endure to enjoy the world's greatest mass transit system. Sigh.

To add insult to injury, we hapless straphangers jammed into the grimy walls of the overcrowded cars are forced to stare at the ineffectual claims from the transit authority that they’re working hard to improve subway service!

Just what I want to see as I'm being crushed by disgruntled New Yorkers and their overpowering aromas: a little man in a hard hat shoveling bullshit at me. The New York MTA: Shoveling bullshit for the next hundred years!

This is apropos of nothing, but...

Michael J. Fox was on Capitol Hill today, urging lawmakers to lift the President's 2001 restrictions on stem cell research. And it made me wonder:

Does anyone other than my mom refer to Michael J. Fox as just Michael Fox?

I don't know if she's just against using the middle initial on principle or if she thinks middle initials are pretentious ... I don't know. But every time she talks about him (surprisngly, rather frequently) she refers to him as Michael Fox. So there ya go.

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Special thanks to my buddy Baron and his very lovely friends Chanel and Bridget for a fun time at Galapagos last night. Following the show, a very heated and passionate debate over the nature of stand-up comedy and the value of art erupted. Hilarity ensued. Yes, alcohol was involved. Yes, I will refrain from posting our brilliant observations. But know this: they were BRILLIANT. Also, the L train is always more fun when you have the entire car to yourselves...

From the ol' notebook

Okay. So I don't actually have any old notebooks. Most of my comedy bits and set lists are scrawled on the back of bar napkins. As it should be. But, as I was trying to generate some new material, my thoughts drifted back to some of the old bits I used to do.

Wow whee.

Every once in a while, you need to dust off some of those old bits just to remind yourself of why you no longer do them. Here are some oldies but goodies* from the ol' vault. And yes, I actually performed these "jokes." Onstage. In front of an audience. Often, to laughter. The world was different then...

*please note: jokes may not be older than 5 years and they may not be "goodies." Mileage may vary. Some restrictions may apply. Not applicable in Montana.

"If the commerical goes, 'Don't push a friend, push a Push Pop!' then following the same logic, for a Blow Pop...."

"Watching a Beck's beer commercial and they have the tagline: 'Beck's. What Germans do best.' Now, I'm no historian, but when I think of what Germans do best, beer's a little further down the list. Maybe they should just be more accurate and change their tagline to: 'Beck's. What Germans do second best.'"

"I have a problem with bi-sexual girls. I know I should love them, but I can't. It's like they want to have their cake and eat it, too."


I'm doing a set tonight. None of the above material will be used. Details below.

Tuesday, July 12th @ 10PM

Galapagos
70 North 6th Street between Kent and Wythe
Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY

Drop by and say 'hi.' Uh, and let's never speak of those old bits again. I'm glad we had this talk.

Rove-ing reporters

It's not often you see the press colectively grow a sack. But it happened today. Maybe it's because now one of their own is sitting in a jail cell...

Via Raw Story, a partial transcript of today's White House press briefing:

QUESTION: Scott, can I ask you this: Did Karl Rove commit a crime?

MCCLELLAN: Again, David, this is a question relating to a ongoing investigation, and you have my response related to the investigation. And I don't think you should read anything into it other than: We're going to continue not to comment on it while it's ongoing.

QUESTION: Do you stand by your statement from the fall of 2003, when you were asked specifically about Karl and Elliot Abrams and Scooter Libby, and you said, "I've gone to each of those gentlemen, and they have told me they are not involved in this"?

QUESTION: Do you stand by that statement?

MCCLELLAN: And if you will recall, I said that, as part of helping the investigators move forward on the investigation, we're not going to get into commenting on it. That was something I stated back near that time as well.

QUESTION: Scott, this is ridiculous. The notion that you're going to stand before us, after having commented with that level of detail, and tell people watching this that somehow you've decided not to talk.

You've got a public record out there. Do you stand by your remarks from that podium or not?

MCCLELLAN: I'm well aware, like you, of what was previously said. And I will be glad to talk about it at the appropriate time. The appropriate time is when the investigation...

QUESTION: (inaudible) when it's appropriate and when it's inappropriate?

MCCLELLAN: If you'll let me finish.

QUESTION: No, you're not finishing. You're not saying anything.

You stood at that podium and said that Karl Rove was not involved. And now we find out that he spoke about Joseph Wilson's wife. So don't you owe the American public a fuller explanation. Was he involved or was he not? Because contrary to what you told the American people, he did indeed talk about his wife, didn't he?

MCCLELLAN: There will be a time to talk about this, but now is not the time to talk about it.

QUESTION: Do you think people will accept that, what you're saying today?

MCCLELLAN: Again, I've responded to the question.

QUESTION: You're in a bad spot here, Scott...

(LAUGHTER)

... because after the investigation began -- after the criminal investigation was under way -- you said, October 10th, 2003, "I spoke with those individuals, Rove, Abrams and Libby. As I pointed out, those individuals assured me they were not involved in this," from that podium. That's after the criminal investigation began.

Now that Rove has essentially been caught red-handed peddling this information, all of a sudden you have respect for the sanctity of the criminal investigation.

MCCLELLAN: No, that's not a correct characterization. And I think you are well aware of that.

We know each other very well. And it was after that period that the investigators had requested that we not get into commenting on an ongoing criminal investigation.

And we want to be helpful so that they can get to the bottom of this. Because no one wants to get to the bottom of it more than the president of the United States.

I am well aware of what was said previously. I remember well what was said previously. And at some point I look forward to talking about it. But until the investigation is complete, I'm just not going to do that.

QUESTION: So you're now saying that after you cleared Rove and the others from that podium, then the prosecutors asked you not to speak anymore and since then you haven't.

MCCLELLAN: Again, you're continuing to ask questions relating to an ongoing criminal investigation and I'm just not going to respond to them.

QUESTION: When did they ask you to stop commenting on it, Scott? Can you pin down a date?

MCCLELLAN: Back in that time period.

QUESTION: Well, then the president commented on it nine months later. So was he not following the White House plan?

MCCLELLAN: I appreciate your questions. You can keep asking them, but you have my response.

QUESTION: Well, we are going to keep asking them.

And they did.

Random Fridays

Getting on the subway this morning (no dirty terr’st is gonna tell me not to take public transportation), I was comforted in seeing that an increase in the terror alert actually translated into an increase in visible security around the stations and in the subway cars themselves. So, I just wanted to extend my thanks to the NYPD and the entire NYC security team for an excellent response to a heightened threat level.

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Note to cute girls with cell phones:

We get it. You’re cute. This does not give you the right to keep your cell phone ring set to “ear-shattering.” Cell phones come with a volume control for a reason. Just because you’re cute, it doesn’t mean you’re exempt from social etiquette. Plus, your cuteness diminishes in direct proportion to how annoyingly loud your cell phone ring is. I’m glad you like the O.C. but we don’t all need to hear “California” every time Liz calls you to tell you she saw a hot guy at the mall.

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Looking over my stats meter, it looks like Lauren Bergfeld is pretty popular. And apparently, a lot of folks want to see her nude.

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For my Boston peeps: I’ll be at the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Saturday night. Drop by and say hi.

thoughts and prayers

"It is important that those engaged in terrorism realise that our determination to defend our values and our way of life is greater than their determination to cause death and destruction to innocent people in a desire to impose extremism on the world."

"Whatever they do, it is our determination that they will never succeed in destroying what we hold dear in this country and in other civilised nations throughout the world."

Prime Minister Tony Blair, July 7th, 2005.

Darn activist judges

So, if you don't like activist judges - that is, judges who vote to strike down Congressional laws - then you must not like judges like Clarence Thomas.

Now, I myself have no problem with so-called "judicial activism." If a law is unconstitutional or unjust, it is the responsibility of the Supreme Court to take action and strike down such laws. But some very vocal folks (who lean to the right) have long decried judges who are "activists." So, a Yale law professor and student have examined just who are the activists on the current Supreme Court. Here's what they found:

Since the Supreme Court assumed its current composition in 1994, by our count it has upheld or struck down 64 Congressional provisions. That legislation has concerned Social Security, church and state, and campaign finance, among many other issues. We examined the court's decisions in these cases and looked at how each justice voted, regardless of whether he or she concurred with the majority or dissented.

We found that justices vary widely in their inclination to strike down Congressional laws. Justice Clarence Thomas, appointed by President George H. W. Bush, was the most inclined, voting to invalidate 65.63 percent of those laws; Justice Stephen Breyer, appointed by President Bill Clinton, was the least, voting to invalidate 28.13 percent. The tally for all the justices appears below.

Thomas 65.63 %
Kennedy 64.06 %
Scalia 56.25 %
Rehnquist 46.88 %
OÂ’Connor 46.77 %
Souter 42.19 %
Stevens 39.34 %
Ginsburg 39.06 %
Breyer 28.13 %

One conclusion our data suggests is that those justices often considered more "liberal" - Justices Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, David Souter and John Paul Stevens - vote least frequently to overturn Congressional statutes, while those often labeled "conservative" vote more frequently to do so. At least by this measure (others are possible, of course), the latter group is the most activist.

I never cared much for rhetoric. I care even less for it when it's entirelyinaccuratee and devoid of any basis in reality. The idea that judicial activism is somehow inherently wrong is infuriating enough; the fact that judicial activism is actually practiced to a far greater degree by the most conservative judges is even more so. It's fine to disagree with an ideology. But make sure you're actually disagreeing with the RIGHTideology...

In the year 2012...

New York Bid Falls Short as London Is Chosen for OlympicsBy LYNN ZINSER
SINGAPORE, July 6 - In a surprising upset over front-running Paris, London snatched away the 2012 Olympics today, capping a comeback in a bidding race it seemed nearly out of just a year ago.

...

New York officials had been optimistic after their final presentation, which had many I.O.C. members expressing admiration for the combination sales pitch and emotional appeal based on New York's international flavor and economic power. The city's bid had also seemed to get a lift from the arrival of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton on Tuesday, who met dozens of I.O.C. members and seemed to charm her audiences.

But the bid seemed to have been damaged over the past months by a preoccupation with a proposed stadium on the west side of Manhattan, which suffered an embarrassing political defeat a month ago. New York's Deputy Mayor and bid organizer Daniel R. Doctoroff tried to regain momentum with a new plan centered on a stadium in Queens, but New York's effort failed to gain ground on Paris and London, long considered to be the front-runners.

Good thing we spent millions of dollars in public funding on a massive publicity and advertising campaign instead of...oh, say, putting that money into our public transit system or schools or our police and fire departments or security or something.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

Let's hear it for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!

Happy Birthday, America!!!

Celebrate the long weekend in style! I know I will.

In the meantime, in honor of our freedom, enjoy some uppity comedy from yours truly, taped in May deep within the bowels of Siberia.

It's split up in three sections, under my name - which they misspelled. Ah, fame. Will you always elude me? Oh, and uh, it's totally NOT work safe.

Click here to get to the funny.