You can smell the whiskey.
|Danny DeVito shows up drunk to The View after an all nighter with George Clooney.|
I know there's lots of shit going on in the world...
...and I have to keep writing jokes about it.
I know it's lame, but I'm busy. Okay? Stop looking at me like that!
Here's a handful of minty fresh jokes from me:
- Authorities closed down the Lincoln Memorial this morning after discovering a suspicious liquid. An embarrassed Lincoln statue had no comment.
- Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have filed for divorce. No word yet on who gets to keep the Hepatitis-C.
- Britney Spears spent Thanksgiving weekend club-hopping with Paris Hilton and caused a tabloid frenzy when she flashed the paparazzi her private parts several times. This marks the first friendship where Paris Hilton is known as “the classy one.”
- According to reports, Elton John abruptly left the stage during a weekend concert in Brisbane to throw up in the bathroom. Officials believe the nausea was caused when Elton John found out what his hair is really made of.
- A Colorado homeowners association has told one of its residents to take down a Christmas wreath shaped as a peace sign, because it's “divisive.” Association members feel that Christmas is hardly the time to make a volatile statement like "Peace on Earth."
Posted by Benari at 9:45 AM
Need some relief after OD'ing on turkey, stuffing, and family?
Then head on out to the D-Lounge tonight for some late-night laughs.
Posted by Benari at 12:27 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Americans!
In honor of the holiday, I give you all a special treat. From all the way back in 1987, I give you the insanity of the Marvel Universe float in the Macy's Parade.
A few special notes.
The theme from Back to the Future? Really?
After Dr. Doom gets beat down, is that metal dude supposed to be Ultron? It looks suspiciously like Robocop.
So, Cap frees Luke Cage and chains Dr. Doom? And then he makes Luke Cage clean up his mess? The hell?
What's the nefarious plot that Captain America is foiling here??
And where did Daredevil come from? Or the Green Goblin?! This float makes no sense!!
Thanksgiving, 1987 - Marvel style!
Posted by Benari at 5:56 PM
The teacher provides the premise lines, we provide the punchlines.
Obviously, the big news was the election. And of course, Britney and Fed-Ex.
My punchlines in bold.
After last week's election, President Bush told Republicans that the next two weeks are going to be busy ones. "We got a lot of papers to shred."
The Democrats don't take over the House and the Senate until January, so Republicans in the lame duck congress have said they have several weeks to try to get some things done. And by "things," they mean pages.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced, after their second baby was born only 8 weeks ago. Their third baby is expected to be conceived in a few weeks.
This week, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said that Israel will not accept a nuclear Iran. Israel will, however, accept a peaceful Iran, a cooperative Iran, or the crater formerly known as Iran.
Political experts say that many Republicans are playing the blame game this week to explain their huge election loss. Number one on that list: the Gays.
Political experts say that now that Democrats control Congress President Bush is likely to use his veto pen a lot more. Normally, President Bush uses Mortimer, the Picture Pages Pen.
In a recent press conference, President Bush said he thought the Republicans were going to win so he shouldn't try "punditry." He also said America would have an easy victory in Iraq, so maybe he shouldn't try "Presidentry," either.
This weekend, the gay community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing is devoutly religious and believes that the Bible is very clear about homosexuality being a sin. The straight community was shocked to discover that Carol Channing was still alive.
Posted by Benari at 6:56 PM
Haven't done one of these in a while.
Backstory: I'm taking a Late Night Comedy Writing class for my MFA program at Tisch. Blah blah meef braggity brag.
Last night's assignment, write a Top Ten list.
The subject: Top Ten Signs You Know You Lost the Election. Here are mine. Again, I'm not proud.
Paul Shaffer, banging on the keyboard.
PAUL (singing): Top Ten! Top Ten! Top Ten Signs You Know You Lost the Election!
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU KNOW YOU LOST THE ELECTION:
10. The only person who RSVP’d to your victory party was Donald Rumsfeld
9. Not even your hot teenage page voted for you
8. John Kerry called, asked for his campaign strategy back
7. Black people’s votes were actually counted this time
6. Kevin Federline refused to make a sex tape with you
5. You get a condolence call from Mark Foley
4. Told supporters you thought those Katrina victims “got off easy”
3. Found out about it when you got a text message from Britney Spears
2. Got an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney
1. You were just asked to be the next Viagra spokesman
Posted by Benari at 11:00 AM
Those were heady days. Especially for Hanna-Barbera toons. Throughout the 70s and into the 80s, Hanna-Barbera cartoons were zany, wacky, and made by people who were totally high.
How else can you explain why familiar icons were taken completely out of context and placed in inexplicable situations? As cheaply animated as possible, of course.
Suddenly, Fonzie from Happy Days has a time machine and a talking dog? Named Mr. Cool?! And they travel through history? How could kids not love it?
Laverne & Shirley get drafted into the US Army. And they have a talking pig - voiced by Horseshack - for a drill sergeant. Seriously. That won't completely mess up kids for life.
Gary Coleman's a guardian angel. 'Nuff said.
There are dozens of these cartoons - but one that has always baffled me is the incomprehensible Fred and Barney Meet the Thing.
They never actually meet, by the way. The show was essentially new adventures of the Flintstones jammed together with a solo Thing cartoon. Except, this wasn't the typical Thing kids knew and loved from the Fantastic Four. Nope. This was a teenager named Benjy Grimm. Because when you're a teenaged version, your name must end in a "y". And he would team up and solve mysteries and fight crime with other annoying teenagers! Yes! Who wants to see Dr. Doom and Galactus?
Here's the hook - little Benjy Grimm has these special rings, see? And when he slams them together, he transforms into ...
...the ever-lovin', blue-eyed Thing!
Just a side note, that transformation looks horrifyingly painful.
Why am I remembering this short-lived, bizarre cartoon? Because of the show's catch phrase.
While the Thing had a very recognizable catch phrase of his own - "It's Clobberin' Time!!" - this cartoon had another, even catchier phrase.
Whenever Benjy Grimm slammed his special rings together, he'd shout:
"Thing ring, do your thing!"
And for some reason, I've had this phrase going through my head for the past two months. I know not why. Even stranger, I hear a gruff, gravelly voice with a thick Brooklyn accent saying it.
Catchy, right? Go ahead. Say it. You know you want to. It's fun. And addictive. Try slipping this phrase into every day conversation. It's pretty handy in any situation.
Oh, Hanna-Barbera. You have forever warped my brain.
THING RING, DO YOUR THING!!!
Posted by Benari at 5:52 PM
These guys are like the original Tupac. They just keep putting out new shit. Or re-mixes of the old shit. But with Sir George Martin (and son) producing, at least it won't sound like The Traveling Willburys...it will sound like The Beatles.
With extra Hippy goodness. The "Love mix"...?
THE Beatles are back. Together. And this is your chance to hear new material from the Fab Four....
In an unlikely reunion, songs by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr are the centrepiece of a Cirque du Soliel extravaganza.
The idea began when the founder of Cirque du Soliel befriended George Harrison at a Formula 1 event years ago.
He suggested a show around The Beatles' catalogue.
Harrison agreed, with one proviso: "Forget some dodgy house band playing The Beatles songs. It had to be Beatles music.''
Harrison died in 2001, but by then the idea had gained momentum and Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr and Beatles widows Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison agreed legendary Beatles producer Sir George Martin should be brought out of retirement to produce what is a fabulous bookend to the band's career.
Sir George and his son Giles have painstakingly scoured the published and dormant material of The Beatles and put together an amazing 80-minute collage.
Australia will never see the show. It is being staged at a purpose-built $160 million auditorium in Las Vegas and is too expensive and unwieldy to travel.
But the album - like the Vegas show, called Love - releases worldwide on November 18.
Posted by Benari at 11:15 AM
If you're anywhere near NYC tonight (ahem, *cough. cough*), swing on by The D-Lounge at 10:30 for some comedy and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.
5 bucks gets you in.
Posted by Benari at 9:55 AM
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as defense secretary on Wednesday, one day after midterm elections in which opposition to the war in Iraq contributed to heavy Republican losses.
President Bush said he would nominate Robert Gates, a former CIA director, to replace Rumsfeld at the Pentagon.
Asked whether his announcement signaled a new direction in the war that has claimed the lives of more than 2,800 U.S. troops, Bush said, "Well, there's certainly going to be new leadership at the Pentagon."
Bush lavished praise on Rumsfeld, who has spent six stormy years at his post. The president disclosed he met with Gates last Sunday, two days before the elections in which Democrats swept to control of the House and possibly the Senate.
Last week, as he campaigned to save the Republican majority, Bush declared that Rumsfeld would remain at the Pentagon through the end of his term.
Posted by Benari at 2:39 PM
Maybe it's just me, but the real races to watch?
Right now, 28 states have Republican governors. That includes those bastions of liberalism, those bluest of blue states California, New York, and Massachusetts.
But with this election, it's quite possible that Democrats will reclaim the governors' offices in the majority of states...
...and that's important for the future thrust of shifting the national debate.
Governor's races generally do not get as much attention as the contests for control of the House and Senate.
Yet a state's top politician has a much more immediate impact on a person's day-to-day life than congressional representatives, affecting schools, roads, even the companies that set up shop in a city or town.
Governors also craft domestic policy on health care, welfare, education and more. It was governors, for instance, who led the charge for welfare reform in the mid-1990s.
Political parties see the national implications, with strategists arguing that an effective governor can help organize and promote the state party, which in turn can help deliver votes for Congress and the presidency. And governorships can cultivate future national leaders, with four out of the last five presidents having first served as governor.
Posted by Benari at 3:18 PM
Salon's all over the story:
Schmidt isn't the only Ohio Republican suffering voting problems today. Her House colleague Steve Chabot tried to vote this morning but was turned away because his identification didn't comply with the state's voter I.D. law. His driver's license listed his business address. Although poll workers said they recognized the congressman, they told him he'd have to return with something showing his home address.
If elected officials in Missouri and South Carolina and Ohio are having trouble with new rules and new technology, we can only wonder how voters are doing in polling places where poll workers aren't expecting any media scrutiny -- and where voters with day jobs might not have the time to make multiple trips to the voting booth.
Posted by Benari at 1:03 PM
Upcoming election making you nervous? Laugh it off, tonight:
Posted by Benari at 3:13 PM
Ah, the elegant simplicity of evil genius.
Sometimes, all it takes is a clever ploy, a fiendish scheme. Just set the plan into motion, kick back, and enjoy the sinister results.
From Salon, emphasis mine:
We've never been persuaded by a single call, but we've been annoyed by many, many, many of them.
The GOP seems to understand what's happened here. As Josh Marshall has been reporting at Talking Points Memo, the National Republican Campaign Committee appears to be using robo-calls to push voters away from Democrats in races all around the country. The tactic? Record a call that mentions the Democratic candidate right at the beginning, then load the negative stuff about the candidate into the end. If the recipient of the call listens to the full message, he or she hears a dose of negativity about the Democratic candidate. If the recipient hangs up before the message runs its course, the computer dials the same number repeatedly, leaving voters with the impression that the Democrats, not the Republicans, are the ones bombarding them with repeat calls.
Posted by Benari at 12:38 PM
Saddam Hussein was convicted and sentenced Sunday to hang for crimes against humanity in the 1982 killings of 148 people in a single Shiite town, as the ousted leader, trembling and defiant, shouted "God is great!"
As he, his half brother and another senior official in his regime were convicted and sentenced to death by the Iraqi High Tribunal, Saddam yelled out, "Long live the people and death to their enemies. Long live the glorious nation, and death to its enemies!" Later, his lawyer said the former dictator had called on Iraqis to reject sectarian violence and refrain from revenge against U.S. forces.
The trial brought Saddam and his co-defendants before their accusers in what was one of the most highly publicized and heavily reported trials of its kind since the Nuremberg tribunals for members of Adolf Hitler's Nazi regime and its slaughter of 6 million Jews in the World War II Holocaust
"The verdict placed on the heads of the former regime does not represent a verdict for any one person. It is a verdict on a whole dark era that has was unmatched in Iraq's history," said Nouri al-Maliki, Iraq's Shiite prime minister.
By mid-1982, Iraq was on the defensive against Iranian human-wave attacks. The U.S., having decided that an Iranian victory would not serve its interests, began supporting Iraq: measures already underway to upgrade U.S.-Iraq relations were accelerated, high-level officials exchanged visits, and in February 1982 the State Department removed Iraq from its list of states supporting international terrorism. (It had been included several years earlier because of ties with several Palestinian nationalist groups, not Islamicists sharing the worldview of al-Qaeda. Activism by Iraq's main Shiite Islamicist opposition group, al-Dawa, was a major factor precipitating the war -- stirred by Iran's Islamic revolution, its endeavors included the attempted assassination of Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz.)
Prolonging the war was phenomenally expensive. Iraq received massive external financial support from the Gulf states, and assistance through loan programs from the U.S. The White House and State Department pressured the Export-Import Bank to provide Iraq with financing, to enhance its credit standing and enable it to obtain loans from other international financial institutions. The U.S. Agriculture Department provided taxpayer-guaranteed loans for purchases of American commodities, to the satisfaction of U.S. grain exporters.
The U.S. restored formal relations with Iraq in November 1984, but the U.S. had begun, several years earlier, to provide it with intelligence and military support (in secret and contrary to this country's official neutrality) in accordance with policy directives from President Ronald Reagan. These were prepared pursuant to his March 1982 National Security Study Memorandum (NSSM 4-82) asking for a review of U.S. policy toward the Middle East.
By mid-1982...The U.S., having decided that an Iranian victory would not serve its interests, began supporting Iraq...and in February 1982 the State Department removed Iraq from its list of states supporting international terrorism.
Posted by Benari at 11:28 AM
Unlike many "special edition" and “director’s cut” movies released over the years, Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut will essentially be a completely new film. As much as half of the film contains never-before seen material filmed by Donner, including 15 minutes of restored Marlon Brando scenes as Superman's father Jor-El as well as numerous new Christopher Reeve and Margot Kidder scenes. There will also be several newly-filmed shots with CGI enhancements. Richard Donner is credited as director of the film instead of Richard Lester—the original credited director of Superman II. More than half of Lester's footage filmed for Superman II will be removed from the film and replaced with Donner footage shot during the original principal photography from 1977-1978. Certain footage filmed by Richard Lester will fill in sequences that were not shot by Donner due to the halt in production for II. The film is dedicated to Christopher Reeve.
Posted by Benari at 3:51 PM