Here are some jokes that I wrote and/or helped write from last week's show.
I'm particularly proud of the last bit, based on this story:
Obama and Lieberman greeted each on the Senate floor in the Well as they were voting on the budget resolution.
They shook hands. But Obama didn’t let go, leading Lieberman - cordially - by the hand across the room into a corner on the Democratic side, where Democratic sources tell ABC News he delivered some tough words for the junior senator from Connecticut, who had just minutes before hammered Obama's speech before the pro-Israel group AIPAC in a conference call arranged by the McCain campaign...
The two spoke intensely for approximately five minutes, with no one able to hear their conversation. Reporters watched as Obama leaned closely in to Lieberman, whose back was literally up against the wall.
As a Boston fan, I'm psyched that the Yankees have gotten rid of Joe Torre and kept A-Rod. The Yankees are a disaster right now and the Steinbrenner solution seems to be to pile ludicrous amounts of money on the problem. And then it dawned on me: The Steinbrenners are treating the Yankees the way this Administration treats Iraq.
They keep throwing money at it but it just doesn't seem to get better. I'm sure it has nothing to do with forcing a bunch of people who hate each other to try to work as a team. And every so often, they fire the one person who knows what they're doing.
Heyoooo! I have arrived. I have mocked a celebrity in print. In the New York Post.
Go out and grab a copy, turn to page 43 and you can see my devastatingly hilarious quip about Paris Hilton reading the Bible.
Or click here and enjoy it online. You'll see a picture of Paris in the little TV bubble on the right. Click the "next" button twice to see my quote - it's a pull quote!
What the heck. Here's the article for your reading entertainment:
MISSIONARY POSITIONS
By MANDY STADTMILLER
May 24, 2007 -- OMG, the Bible is totally hard!
Yes, one can imagine these delightful little words appearing in a delightful little thought bubble above Paris Hilton's delightful little head as she aches and strains to understand why that super-skank Eve would act like such a complete and utter bitch at the dawn of time!
And that snake? I mean, what. Is he hot? Is he not hot?
Will her brain actually explode?
Don't fret, Paris. We've enlisted the mental power of an Ark's worth (see the book of Genesis - no, not "Lamb Lies Down," but nice reference, sweetie!) of scholarly, well-read New York stand-up comedians to help you quickly understand your new favorite must-read.
Oh, don't you know? Paris Hilton, who is heading to jail on June 5 for violating probation, was spotted earlier this week carrying both the New Age Oprah-endorsed "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and a thick, totally-not-showing-off-at-all copy of the Holy Bible (wonder if she found it in a Hilton Express?).
Read away, girlfriend - just think of this as a CliffsNotes version of the Good Book put together especially for you!
"As Moses learned in the Old Testament, sometimes a Burning Bush can be the voice of God. So be nicer to Lindsay Lohan." - Alex Blagg
"Deuteronomy is the fifth book of the Bible.
'Putyourbodonme' is how babies are made. Be careful, honey." - Michelle Collins
"Just like the story of Jonah, God is punishing Paris. Only difference is that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and Paris just swallows ... Heyo!" - Nick Kroll
"And God created the earth in seven days and on the seventh day, while he rested, he created the miracle of Valtrex." - Colette Hawley
"Rich fool. Luke 12:15-21. That's enough; even Paris can understand that." - Caroline Waxler
"The Bible teaches us that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him to fish, then he eats for a lifetime. The lesson here is: When the inmates ask you for a cigarette, it is best to teach her to roll her own. And if that doesn't work, buy Big Shirley a car." - Jackie Clarke
"When the Lord is a drinking buddy, you don't have to worry about getting stopped by the cops." - Chuck Nice
"I think, considering Paris Hilton's history of behavior, she should read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in prison. If nothing else, it will provide her with a lot of great party tips for her welcome home celebration." - Todd Levin
" 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.' Matthew 7:12. Good to keep in mind for those steamy prisonshowers!" - Molly Reisner
"I think God was really directing this Revelation verse at you, Paris: 'Let the wicked still act wickedly, and the filthy still be filthy.' It seems clear to me that her existence signifies the end of the world." - Lang Fisher
"A lesson for Paris. You can find a Bible in every hotel room, but nobody wants to keep it . . . Remind her of anyone?" - Allison Castillo
According to financial records released Tuesday, Dick Cheney has assets valued at 21 million to 100 million dollars. And that’s just for his robot parts.
While speaking on the deck of an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf, Vice President Dick Cheney warned that the US was prepared to use its naval power to keep Iran from disrupting oil routes or "gaining nuclear weapons." He added, “Not while I’m aboard, of course.”
The New York Police Department is deploying 10 Segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and in parks. Because nothing strikes fear into the hearts of criminals like a cop on a scooter.
Bowing to wide-spread criticism, Hamas on Wednesday canceled its children's show "Tomorrow's Pioneers," which featured a Mickey Mouse-type character named Farfur that preached hate for America and Israel. Other characters would have included the lovably short-tempered Jihad Duck and the wacky suicide-bomber dog Kablooey.
NASA astronomers Monday reported the biggest and brightest star explosion ever recorded….when Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days of jail! SNAP!
The owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville, Kentucky said he asked OJ Simpson to leave his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby because he is sickened by the attention Simpson still attracts. And because he’s a murderer.
A law protecting library records' confidentiality has prevented police from prosecuting a man who reportedly masturbated among the books because the law prevents the library from turning over surveillance video to the police without a court order. Which is great news for me.
As part of a 12 item self-improvement list given to Beijing cab drivers in preparation for next year's Olympic games, red hair and big earrings are being banned for women cab drivers. Which comes as a devastating blow to Kathy Griffin’s dream of becoming a Beijing cab driver.
OK! Magazine this week featured the first pictures of Larry Birkhead with his daughter, Winning Lottery Ticket.
This week, the Chinese government announced that there will be over 6000 hospital beds available during the 2008 Olympic Games just in case there is a bird-flu or SARS outbreak. They added, “Not that we’re planning anything…”
A New York City cab driver is driving a Queens couple in his cab over 2500 miles from New York to Arizona this week. But he still won’t take Danny Glover to Brooklyn.
Joe Francis, the founder of "Girls Gone Wild," surrendered to federal marshals early Tuesday to face a contempt of court citation after initially defying a federal judge. Apparently, he refused to show the judge his tits.
Health officials said Monday that over 123,000 New York City women have quit smoking between 2002 and 2005. Or died from it. Either way, they’re not smoking anymore.
A Rhode Island woman and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9 year-old daughter to teach her about sex. And I thought it was awkward when my mom just told me about the birds and the bees…
A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. The Americans have developed a similar robot and he currently serves as the vice president.
I also wrote an alternate version:
A British university is developing robots that can engage emotionally with humans and can recognize human body language and respond to anger, fear, and happiness. And then they kill you.
I didn't submit this particular version, but SNL did end up using a very similar punchline, except they're punchline was: "...right before they rape you." Moral? My earlier reservations about using "rape" as a punchline were clearly wrong. And. They're all rapists.
2 more jokes that I didn't submit this time around:
US and Panamanian authorities reported they seized more than 19 tons of cocaine from a ship in the Pacific, making what is thought to be one of the world's biggest maritime drug busts. Of course, when the ship left port, it had TWENTY tons of cocaine on it…
A new report shows that about one-third of the people in Washington DC are functionally illiterate. The other two-thirds don’t work at the White House.
Lucasfilm has announced a deal to show Star Wars related films made by fans on Spike TV. Giving fans of Star Wars and Spike TV one more thing to do while not getting laid.
In a new book by Pope Benedict about his predecessor, he reveals that he was opposed to Bob Dylan appearing at a youth event with the late Pope John Paul in 1997 because he considered the pop star the wrong kind of “prophet.” A Jewish one.
During his five nation tour of Latin and Central America, President Bush took the opportunity to use a large amount of Spanish to break the ice. Spanish Fly, that is.
Hurm. What happens when I write more jokes than I submit? I post 'em on my blog! Whoo! Blogging! Fake content! Whoo!
Ahem. Here are some jokes I wrote this week:
A new study revealed Monday that nearly a third of all veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan came home with mental illness or serious behavioral problems. The rest of them got sick while being treated at Walter Reed.
As part of a demonstration of the benefits of a free trade deal he had trouble pushing through Congress, President Bush on Monday heaved crates of lettuce onto a loading dock in Guatemala. Unfortunately, they were all laced with e-coli.
A Long Island teacher, who charged that she was fired because administrators mistakenly thought she was a witch, lost her 2 million dollar lawsuit Tuesday. The judge in the case then mysteriously burst into flames.
Iran's cultural advisor criticized the hit movie 300, saying that the Greek vs. Persians action film is an "obvious insult" against their ancient culture and provokes animosity against Iran. Average American moviegoers responded by saying, “Iran? I thought the Spartans were just fighting random gay, black dudes.”
It was reported that Whitney Houston has started work on her comeback album. And by “work,” they mean “snorting coke off of.”
Here's one with a soft punchline:
A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. Sometimes, they’re just good old fashioned perverts.
If I wanted to be edgier, I suppose could've said, "Sometimes, they're just good old fashioned rapists."
But did I really want to go there? No. No, I didn't.
Britney Spears has finally answered the question, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
Gambia's President is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. He also claims to have a pet unicorn and a magical bridge to Terabithia.
Tuesday night's episode of American Idol became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart,” to which Seacrest replied “Don't call me 'sweetheart.' I don't want that kind of relationship.” Don’t worry, though; the make-up sex was awesome.
I wrote this play recently, Taking the Bullet, about struggling stand-up comics. And, naturally, one of the central conflicts revolves around joke stealing - a subject that's been receiving some much deserved attention lately.
And, as others have pointed out, this week saw Joe Rogan confront Carlos Mencia live onstage.
God bless Joe Rogan for standing up for the integrity of hardworking, honest comics everywhere.
And what does he get for having the balls to publicly call out Ned Holness (Mencia's real name)? What does Joe get for calling Mencia a thief and liar - to his face?
It's still about dollars and cents. Mencia has the number 2 rated show on Comedy Central, he makes a lot of money for the clubs he plays, and he has a large following. Most of whom could give a rat's ass about where he gets his material.
But for comics, this is their life, their blood, sweat, and tears. These are their laughs and as long as we sit idly by while the Carlos Mencias of the world make money off the words of other comics, we're just as much a part of the problem.
Luckily, Joe's a big enough name to weather this storm.
But we, as comedians or fans of comedy, should make an effort to stand behind Joe on this one. As he syas:
Now can you IMAGINE if I was a young, struggling comic and all this shit went down? THAT is the really ugly part of it. Now you know why people don't speak up about this shit.
Every comic should be talking about this right now.
Every comic should be throwing their support behind Joe. He's clearly a man who loves and appreciates the art of comedy.
If you're in LA, please support Joe. He's at the Improv tonight at 10. From Joe:
The first thing I did when I got the call, is to phone my friend Rita over at the Improv in Hollywood and ask if I could get on there this weekend. She bent over backwards to accommodate me, and gave me spots for Thursday night at 10, Friday at 8:30, and Saturday at 10. To her, and Joel over there, I say thank you very much. I truly appreciate the support.
If anyone wants to see me this weekend, that’s where I’ll be performing.
If you want to come down and show your support and have a good time, the address for and phone number for the Improv is:
323 651 5810 Hollywood Improv 8162 Melrose ave. Hollywood, CA
And if you're a fan of comedy or a comic yourself, I encourage you to stop supporting The Comedy Stop so long as they continue to support joke thieves.
Register your disappointment with them:
323-656-6225 info@comedystore.com
And please, don't watch Ned's show on Comedy Central.
This is something for comics to stand up about; this is about right and wrong.
This is about preserving the integrity of our art form.
A new survey shows that America's Jewish population has reached 7.4 million, far larger than previously estimated. Which roughly breaks down to: 43 percent of American Jews own the media, 31 percent own the banks, 25 percent control the weather, and all the wars in the world are started by Deborah Goldstein of Great Neck, Long Island.
FEMA has determined that nearly 70,000 Louisiana households improperly received over 300 million dollars in grants, and now they want their money back. The Louisiana residents determined that FEMA improperly responded to Hurricane Katrina and they want their houses back.
This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino. What are the odds?
**Special bonus cheap joke!!**
Former NBA star John Amaechi reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. I don't care about Amaechi's personal life, all I know is that the man sure knew how to handle a ball.
Jermaine Jackson said on Monday that he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Islam responded, saying: “Hey, man. We have enough problems, as it is.”
On Wednesday, the day Senator Joe Biden announced his campaign for president, he caused controversy with an interview in the New York Observer in which he said that Senator Barack Obama is “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Making Joe Biden the first mainstream Caucasian-American in the race to end his Presidential Campaign.
A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. The breakfast will be BYOB – Bring Your Own Batter.
A rather tame week for jokes from me, but as someone once told me, never apologize for your work. So I'm not. These are my jokes and I'm stickin' by 'em.
He said, apologetically...
I'm even giving you four this time, instead of the usual three. Oooooooh....
OJ Simpson is saying that the chapter from his unpublished book "If I Did It," in which he hypothesizes on how he would have killed his ex-wife and her friend, was created mostly from a ghostwriter's research and is not a confession. It’s more like a memoir.
In an interview on PBS, President Bush commented Tuesday on the Iraqi government's botched hangings of Saddam Hussein and two of his top aides saying, “It just goes to show that this is a government that has still got some maturation to do.” He added, “This doesn’t make the Iraqi government look so great, either.”
DEA agents said Tuesday that they have dismantled a Colombian heroin ring by arresting several couriers who stitched packets of drugs into their pants and then took cruise ships to the US. Stitched pants? Cruise ships? Back in my day, we had it tough, shoving heroin-filled balloons up our asses, sneaking across the border in the back of sweltering, cramped trucks, fighting off the militia! Lazy kids…
A Manhattan antiques dealer is suing three homeless men and a woman for 1 million dollars for sleeping, drinking and "performing bodily functions" outside his posh Madison Ave. store. He would have sued their pants off, had they been wearing any.
Benari Poulten is a writer and a stand-up comedian in New York City. He has an MFA in Dramatic Writing at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, making him a Master of the Fine Arts. And he's a Sergeant First Class in the US Army Reserve, who recently returned from Baghdad. For reals.
The thoughts and opinions expressed here are his own and in NO WAY represent the views of the United States, the U.S. military, DoD, or any official organization.
That much should already be obvious, though.
