Now our failure is complete.
I have mentioned before that my former sketch comedy troupe, thank gladys, was, in many ways, ahead of its time. Like foreseeing a day when we could save the mighty manatee by eating 'em up.
Well, today, a disturbing news story caught my attention. Disturbing to me, not because of the horrifying subject matter - it is deeply disturbing, make no mistake - no, disturbing to me because we thought it up as a joke over ten years ago!!!
The year was 1996. A 'roided up Jose Conseco played for a lackluster Boston Red Sox. Bob Dole, Scourge of the Seven Seas unsuccessfully challenged incumbent Bill Clinton for the presidency of the United States. And Tickle Me Elmo dolls were all the rage.
Being fans of the zeitgeist, Ross and I whipped up a humble little sketch that would become a staple of our repertoire: Tickle Me Hitler. The premise being, an irate customer tries to return a doll to the toy store because he inadvertently bought a Hitler doll. Basically, the sketch starts out thusly:
I'd like to make a return.
CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Sure. What seems to be the problem?
ME
See, I asked for a Tickle Me Elmo. They gave me Tickle Me Hitler.
CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
And is something wrong with it?
ME
Well, it's Hitler.
CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes.
ME
And it's a doll.
CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes. It says so right on the box.
ME
It's a doll of Hitler. It's a Hitler doll!!
CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
And you don't want it anymore?
ME
I never wanted it! What kind of a sicko wants a Hitler doll?
Well, apparently, Ukrainians do.
Kiev - A Ukrainian manufacturer is preparing to sell dolls of the former German dictator Adolf Hitler in local toy stores, the Zerkalo Tizhden' newspaper reported on Monday.
The 40cm figure will first be available in the capital Kiev, and like the similar-sized Barbie doll wear clothes the owner may change, according to the article.
To be fair, our sketch involved a Hitler doll where if you tickle him once, he says "Hee Hee." If you tickle him twice, he says "Ooooh, zat tickles." And if you tickle him a third time, he says "Sieg Heil." This Ukrainian doll doesn't talk.
BUT IT'S STILL A DOLL OF HITLER!
THEY MADE A HITLER DOLL!!
FOR CHILDREN!!!
And there's video of it. .
Mein Gott in Himmell.
Perhaps one day, I will dig up our old tapes and post some of these sketches online, for historical purposes. Until then...I don't even know anymore.
Humanity never ceases to amaze me. Our society has completely jumped the shark three or four times over.
They made a Hitler doll.
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