Uncle Sam Wants YOU...to rethink that slogan

Sarge: Private! Charlie's advancing. Set up that blockade, then fall back to the rear!

PVT Snuffy: Think that wall will hold, Sarge?

Sarge: It'll hold.

PVT Snuffy: I don't know if it's that strong, Sarge.

Sarge: It's strong enough. It's Army strong.

Attention Democratic Party

Nobel Peace Prize nominee and OSCAR WINNER Al Gore.

These are the jokes - last week of February '07

Britney Spears has finally answered the question, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

Gambia's President is claiming that his concoction of green herbal paste and bananas can cure AIDS. He also claims to have a pet unicorn and a magical bridge to Terabithia.

Tuesday night's episode of American Idol became tense after Simon Cowell addressed Ryan Seacrest as “sweetheart,” to which Seacrest replied “Don't call me 'sweetheart.' I don't want that kind of relationship.” Don’t worry, though; the make-up sex was awesome.

Superboy vs...

Lex Luger!!!



This is sublime on so, so many levels.

My sister's in a show!

And you should see her. Because she's awesome.


Friday February 23rd and Saturday February 24th. 8PM.

Hunter College, Lang Recital Hall on 68th St. and Lexington.
North Building. 4th Floor.
$10


What's the show? Oh, it's, um...

The Vagina Monologues


So, yes. That's where I'll be tonight at 8. Watching my sister talk about her...um, vagina.

I can only imagine the google hits I get on that.

After, come on over to the D-Lounge and hear me say funny things into a microphone.

And no more talk about my sister's...you know.

But see the show.

Support Joe Rogan

I wrote this play recently, Taking the Bullet, about struggling stand-up comics. And, naturally, one of the central conflicts revolves around joke stealing - a subject that's been receiving some much deserved attention lately.

And, as others have pointed out, this week saw Joe Rogan confront Carlos Mencia live onstage.



God bless Joe Rogan for standing up for the integrity of hardworking, honest comics everywhere.

And what does he get for having the balls to publicly call out Ned Holness (Mencia's real name)? What does Joe get for calling Mencia a thief and liar - to his face?

Joe's asked to "take a break from the Comedy Store" and he gets dropped by his agent.

It's still about dollars and cents. Mencia has the number 2 rated show on Comedy Central, he makes a lot of money for the clubs he plays, and he has a large following. Most of whom could give a rat's ass about where he gets his material.

But for comics, this is their life, their blood, sweat, and tears. These are their laughs and as long as we sit idly by while the Carlos Mencias of the world make money off the words of other comics, we're just as much a part of the problem.

Luckily, Joe's a big enough name to weather this storm.

But we, as comedians or fans of comedy, should make an effort to stand behind Joe on this one. As he syas:

Now can you IMAGINE if I was a young, struggling comic and all this shit went down?
THAT is the really ugly part of it.
Now you know why people don't speak up about this shit.

Every comic should be talking about this right now.

Every comic should be throwing their support behind Joe. He's clearly a man who loves and appreciates the art of comedy.

If you're in LA, please support Joe. He's at the Improv tonight at 10. From Joe:

The first thing I did when I got the call, is to phone my friend Rita over at the Improv in Hollywood and ask if I could get on there this weekend. She bent over backwards to accommodate me, and gave me spots for Thursday night at 10, Friday at 8:30, and Saturday at 10. To her, and Joel over there, I say thank you very much. I truly appreciate the support.

If anyone wants to see me this weekend, that’s where I’ll be performing.

If you want to come down and show your support and have a good time, the address for and phone number for the Improv is:

323 651 5810
Hollywood Improv
8162 Melrose ave. Hollywood, CA

And if you're a fan of comedy or a comic yourself, I encourage you to stop supporting The Comedy Stop so long as they continue to support joke thieves.

Register your disappointment with them:

323-656-6225
info@comedystore.com

And please, don't watch Ned's show on Comedy Central.

This is something for comics to stand up about; this is about right and wrong.

This is about preserving the integrity of our art form.

Because, as Richard Pryor said:

"Comedy is some serious shit."

More cut than run

WHITE HOUSE TO US MILITARY: "We said we support the TROOPS...we never said anything about veterans."


Mon Feb 12, 2:00 PM

WASHINGTON - The Bush administration plans to cut funding for veterans' health care two years from now _ even as badly wounded troops returning from Iraq could overwhelm the system.

Bush is using the cuts, critics say, to help fulfill his pledge to balance the budget by 2012.

After an increase sought for next year, the Bush budget would turn current trends on their head. Even though the cost of providing medical care to veterans has been growing rapidly _ by more than 10 percent in many years _ White House budget documents assume consecutive cutbacks in 2009 and 2010 and a freeze thereafter.

The proposed cuts are unrealistic in light of recent VA budget trends _ its medical care budget has risen every year for two decades and 83 percent in the six years since Bush took office _ sowing suspicion that the White House is simply making them up to make its long-term deficit figures look better.

"Either the administration is willingly proposing massive cuts in VA health care," said Rep. Chet Edwards of Texas, chairman of the panel overseeing the VA's budget. "Or its promise of a balanced budget by 2012 is based on completely unrealistic assumptions."

Edwards said that a more realistic estimate of veterans costs is $16 billion higher than the Bush estimate for 2012.

In fact, even the White House doesn't seem serious about the numbers. It says the long-term budget numbers don't represent actual administration policies. Similar cuts assumed in earlier budgets have been reversed.

This is actually a weird one. The White House spokesperson basically says that they're proposing a cut in VA funding to create a fake balanced budget but really, they're not going to cut VA funding.

So...why say it? And why, when the budget has ballooned to massive proportions because of a WAR would you even PROPOSE cutting funds to needy veterans?

Unless you're an asshole, of course.

So let me help the Democrats out here by proposing something myself. A suggested response to this proposal, if you will.

Ahem.

An open letter to ANY politician who would suggest cutting funds to veterans, wounded or otherwise:

Dear Asshole who has suggested cutting funds to veterans, especially at a time when the VA medical care budget has risen 83% in the last 6 years,

Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

"Get Some."

Have you seen NYC's latest public safety campaign?

MTA-themed condoms.

"New York, we've got you covered."

Considering the reliability of the MTA, not sure I'd trust these condoms.

They'd most likely break at the most inconvenient times or you'd have to wait an hour before you could use 'em. Due to "track work."

Don't even want to think about what would happen when your "A" starts running as an "F"...

Hearty Wishes

Happy Valentine's Day.

Beep boop beep.

More Superboy

It's Superboy vs. Gregg Allman!

I don't want to give anything away, but Gregg Allman pretty much gets his ass kicked.



And then:

Uh-oh! Metallo!




Why is Superboy always so angry?

These are the jokes - 2nd week of February '07

A new survey shows that America's Jewish population has reached 7.4 million, far larger than previously estimated. Which roughly breaks down to: 43 percent of American Jews own the media, 31 percent own the banks, 25 percent control the weather, and all the wars in the world are started by Deborah Goldstein of Great Neck, Long Island.

FEMA has determined that nearly 70,000 Louisiana households improperly received over 300 million dollars in grants, and now they want their money back. The Louisiana residents determined that FEMA improperly responded to Hurricane Katrina and they want their houses back.

This past weekend, a woman in Atlantic City, New Jersey gave birth to her baby in a casino. What are the odds?

**Special bonus cheap joke!!**

Former NBA star John Amaechi reveals in his new autobiography he is gay and played for almost 10 years without his secret being exposed. I don't care about Amaechi's personal life, all I know is that the man sure knew how to handle a ball.

"You can change your life..."

Perhaps you've seen the ads plastered all over the NYC subway cars:

"You can change your life by altering your thoughts."

-Eric Butterworth

Not gonna lie, first time I saw the ads, it freaked me out a bit. All I could think was:

"OH, DEAR LORD! THEY'RE TRYING TO ALTER OUR THOUGHTS!!!"


Probably not the intended reaction.

Then I find out it's some Unity Church thing.

Whew. No one's altering our thoughts.

Yet.



Eric Butterworth, eh?

Until now, I've only ever been familiar with the works of MRS. Butterworth. Didn't even realize there was a MR. Butterworth. But of course, she is a Mrs., only stands to reason there'd be a Mister...

Tomorrow Night Comedy

Just passing on some info. Pertinent stuff in bold.

Character Dogville

Friday, February 9th at 10:00pm
Starring Town Meeting
Featuring chraacter improv by Featuring characters by Jeremiah Murphy, Laura Dillman, Ryan Stratton, Annie Dumas, Phil Wedo, Carrie Sipple and Alana Harrison
Directed by Stacy Mayer
with special guests Benari Poulten and Robin Gelfenbien
The Sage Theatre
711 7th Ave., second floor
between 47th/48th St.
N/R/W to 49th St; 1/9 to 50th St.
$10.00 at the door
FREE with Paid Admission to 8pm show
www.manhattancomedycollective.com

Work makes you free

Can we stop pretending that there's a rational debate about marriage in this country?

From the wires:

Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced a ballot measure in Washington state that would require heterosexual couples to have a child within three years or have their marriage annulled.

Space Case

[Lisa] Nowak, 43, a married mother of three who flew on a space shuttle in July, was charged with attempted murder, accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap Colleen Shipman, who she believed was romantically involved with Oefelein, a space shuttle pilot.

Specifically, police said, Nowak confronted Shipman, who was in her car at the Orlando airport, and sprayed something at her, possibly pepper spray.

At first the astronaut was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts. Then prosecutors upped the charge to attempted murder, basing it on the weapons and other items they said police had found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.

Attempted murder's a pretty serious charge. So here's how I'd defend the crazy astronaut chick:


Space Madness.

The defense rests.

"All me want to be is...happy."

Doing some research on Bizarro - you don't need to know why - and I came across this clip from Superboy:






This show ran for three whole seasons.

These are the jokes - 1st week of Feb.

• Jermaine Jackson said on Monday that he wants his brother Michael to convert to Islam. Islam responded, saying: “Hey, man. We have enough problems, as it is.”

• On Wednesday, the day Senator Joe Biden announced his campaign for president, he caused controversy with an interview in the New York Observer in which he said that Senator Barack Obama is “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” Making Joe Biden the first mainstream Caucasian-American in the race to end his Presidential Campaign.

• A church in upstate New York is hosting a "Porn and Pancakes" breakfast to discuss the impact of pornography on society. The breakfast will be BYOB – Bring Your Own Batter.

Taking the Bullet - reminder

Sex, drugs, and stand-up comedy.

TAKING THE BULLET
by Benari Poulten

Directed by Padraic Lillis

Sunday, February 4th
5 PM
Goldberg Theatre
721 Broadway, 7th Floor

A graduate play reading.

things mean things

Someone's grumpy today.

Things mean things, you know. It's not all just fodder for ironic nostalgia that VH-1 will market right back at us next year.

The other event on Sunday

Um, I'm very bad at self-promotion.

But anyone who's in the NYC area on Sunday should swing by NYU and see my play reading. For totally no money at all because it's FREE.

It's a work in progress, a dark comedy about how miserable stand-up comics are. And it's set in BOSTON.

Shocking, I know.

Anyway, here's the little blurb my school sent out.

Sex, drugs, and stand-up comedy.

TAKING THE BULLET
by Benari Poulten

Directed by Padraic Lillis

Sunday, February 4th at 5 PM
Goldberg Theatre
721 Broadway, 7th Floor

Taking the Bullet is a darkly comic look into the degenerate world of struggling stand-up comedians in present day Boston, MA who learn Richard Pryor was right when he said, "Comedy is some serious shit."


Benari Poulten is a stand-up comic himself, as well as a second year graduate student currently pursuing an MFA in the Department of Dramatic Writing at NYU's Tisch School of the Arts.

Padraic Lillis has worked as a director on Broadway, national tours, and for three Tony Award winning regional theaters and major universities, most recently directing the critically acclaimed play The Dirty Talk by Michael Puzzo at New York's Center Stage.