This has been in my head all weekend.

I think it's the horns.



From Contact Music dot com:

Mark Ronson feat. Alex Greenwald
Just
March 13th 2006

One of the great Radiohead tracks and drummer Phil Selway's favourite song on "The Bends", "Just" combines self-loathing lyrics, a particular viscous guitar riff and middle-eight to die for. For his cover Mark Ronson not only enlisted the help of the formidable Daptones horn section (The Dap Kings) but Alex Greenwald, the lead singer of Phantom Planet (best known for "California", the theme to "The OC"). A dynamite combination of snappy horns and dusty drum breaks, "Just" belongs to the cover canon of Quantic Soul Orchestra's "Get a Move On", Alice Russell's "Seven Nation Army" and the Daptone's own "What (Have You Done For Me Lately". The man behind "Just" is one of the most sought after DJs in the world and, as one half of AllIDo Records, Ronson is currently working with Chicago rapper Rhymefest, Australian soul singer Daniel Merryweather and fabulous pop goddess Christina Aguilera. His cover of "Just" won early support from Gilles Peterson, Zane Lowe and Jo Whiley on Radio One as well as Eddy Temple-Morris on XFM, making this one of the most exciting BBE releases in years.

An important message

PLUG.

This week Sweet Paprika moves next door into the DR2 Theatre ("re"!) for a crazy all out comedy/song/dance and BIRTHDAY extravaganza!



That's right - it's Allison's birthday, and at long last, Ophira is no longer her legal guardian AND she can finally drink! To celebrate, we've got a drink special of 2 beers for $7 (get it, 27, allison's bday AND her age!). Don't worry, alcoholics, we've also got wine, beer and vodka!



What else? We've got AC/JC (featuring cabaret super-pianist, Jeffrey Cubeta) performing another musical number, with world renowned back up dance duo: PRICENBERG!



And if all that doesn't get ya there, how about these hilarious guests:

Benari Poulten: Refuses to speak to Allison, unless it's on a microphone



Amanda Melson: Rewrites all of Allison's jokes in her head



Greg Walloch: Thinks Ophira is Allison



Susan Prekel: Can't even SEE Allison, she's so tall



And of course Ophira, who found Allison in the forest and weaned her on vodka.



Join us after the show in the D Lounge to celebrate Allison's Bday 'til the bartender passes out...it'll never end!



Sweet Paprika
every Friday night at 10:30pm
at the DR2
103 East 15th Street (btwn Irving Pl and Union Sq East)
$5 / 2 drinks /endless laughs
www.sweetpaprika.com

Maybe it's the kind that turns Superman into a really mopey deadbeat dad

From the wires:

Kryptonite, which robbed Superman of his powers, is no longer the stuff of comic books and films.

Except, it still is. Unless the comic books and films stopped using Kryptonite.

A mineral found by geologists in Serbia shares virtually the same chemical composition as the fictional kryptonite from outer space, used by the superhero's nemesis Lex Luther to weaken him in the film "Superman Returns".

Really? Does the mineral suck all the joy and heroism out of a character?

"We will have to be careful with it -- we wouldn't want to deprive Earth of its most famous superhero!," said Dr Chris Stanley, a mineralogist at the Natural History Museum.

Hahahahaha! Jackass.

Stanley, who revealed the identity of the mysterious new mineral, discovered the match after searching the Internet for its chemical formula - sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide.

"I was amazed to discover that same scientific name written on a case of rock containing kryptonite stolen by Lex Luther from a museum in the film Superman Returns," he said.

Yeah. There's your problem. Using Superman Returns as the basis for anything is just plain wrong. Not since Joel Shumacher has a filmmaker so completely misunderstood a character or so misrepresented a mythos. I'm no scientist, but I wouldn't cite Superman Returns as a good source for kindling, nevermind a geological discovery.

The substance has been confirmed as a new mineral after tests by scientists at the Natural History Museum and the National Research Council in Canada.

But instead of the large green crystals in Superman comics, the real thing is a white, powdery substance which contains no fluorine and is non-radioactive.

So, it's nothing like Kryptonite.

The mineral, to be named Jadarite, will go on show at the the Natural History Museum at certain times of the day on Wednesday, April 25, and Sunday, May 13.

So, it's REALLY nothing like Kryptonite.

Weird. Anyone else get the feeling this was some sort of backdoor PR stunt for Superman Returns? Because even though Jadarite sounds nothing like the Man of Steel's infamous weakness, the article can't pass up the opportunity to remind everyone that Bryan Singer made a lousy movie.

Did I just get spammed by David Icke?

From: "fcxvxc Limbert"
Subject: Immense gains in germany.


For investors.

The aliens can replace their creatures indefinitely, and they keep
improving their models.

Ain't just a river

Buried in scripts, trying hard not to think about impending deadlines and the ever-ominous graduation date coming up.

I didn't go back to grad school to graduate.

These are the jokes - 3rd week of April

• A law protecting library records' confidentiality has prevented police from prosecuting a man who reportedly masturbated among the books because the law prevents the library from turning over surveillance video to the police without a court order. Which is great news for me.

• As part of a 12 item self-improvement list given to Beijing cab drivers in preparation for next year's Olympic games, red hair and big earrings are being banned for women cab drivers. Which comes as a devastating blow to Kathy Griffin’s dream of becoming a Beijing cab driver.

• OK! Magazine this week featured the first pictures of Larry Birkhead with his daughter, Winning Lottery Ticket.

"WOLVERINES!!"

The Army ain't all bad. Where else can I ship off to the desert* for a week, participate in mock combat operations and simultaneously document, film, and edit video packages for God, Mom, and Country?

*The Mojave Desert. Don't panic.

Plus, don't you feel safer knowing that I'm out there, protecting your freedom?

These are the jokes - last week's news

And we're back.

Here are last week's jokes:

• This week, the Chinese government announced that there will be over 6000 hospital beds available during the 2008 Olympic Games just in case there is a bird-flu or SARS outbreak. They added, “Not that we’re planning anything…”

• A New York City cab driver is driving a Queens couple in his cab over 2500 miles from New York to Arizona this week. But he still won’t take Danny Glover to Brooklyn.

• Joe Francis, the founder of "Girls Gone Wild," surrendered to federal marshals early Tuesday to face a contempt of court citation after initially defying a federal judge. Apparently, he refused to show the judge his tits.

Now, a word from our sponsors.

“Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.”

Listen:

Kurt Vonnegut has come unstuck in time.

1922-2007. So it goes.

"If what Billy Pilgrim learned from the Tralfamadorians is true, that we will all live forever, no matter how dead we may sometimes seem to be, I am not overjoyed. Still--if I am going to spend eternity visiting this moment and that, I'm grateful that so many of those moments are nice."

cut, paste, laugh

Good friend and comic legend DJ Hazard has a nice interview over at Gothamist.

Here's a taste, a trip down Boston memory lane:

The Ding Ho was a crappy, moldy, dark and dank Western motif cowboy saloon/restaurant that was bought by Chinese restaurant guys. They didn't bother changing the decor. It was also the setting for one of the wildest periods in the history of comedy anywhere. Barry Crimmins, now one of the leading political satirists/activists in the country, talked the owner into turning the front room into a comedy club. A few weeks later, I had been doing some open mikes and Barry and I hit it off. He took me on as his assistant manager and as one of the house emcees.

A typical night? There was no lineup, other than who wanted to go where. Everybody was a headliner. Half the people on the show might be Bobcat Goldthwait, Paula Poundstone, Denis Leary and/or Steven Wright. The other half were people who were headliners at the time but never got famous or quit or whatever.

The show went forever. This was before we decided to have two or three shows a night, turning over the room. We would take an intermission and play this crappy transistor radio into the mike. Prior to that, we had a jukebox and fired that up at intermission. Then ASCAP or EMI or BMI or whoever shows up wanting royalties showed up wanting royalties. So, we got rid of the jukebox. It took up too much space anyway. I mean, people where hanging from the rafters every night.

Lenny Clarke might be the host in this quintessential typical night. He always went on stage with a boom box set on record, because he never knew what was going to happen or what he was going to say. In years to come, his 'polished' material...his body of work... was all stuff that he made up on stage at one time or another.

Lotsa booze. Yes, lotsa drugs. What happened when the show was over? More booze and drugs while we figured out who was hooking up with who that night. Since this is an 'every night' scenario... there might even have been be a fight. The owners and kitchen guys would leave. We had keys. We pulled down the shades and partied for most the rest of the night.

Did I mention it's baseball season?

I heart Papelbon.

To Serve Manatee

I never really understood why we named that sketch Serve the Whales. I mean, the sketch was about cooking manatees, not whales. Just another reason why they all should have listened to me! But what did I know then? I was only 19.

Back then, I merely thought I was right. Now I KNOW I was.

You see, years ago, before you were born, I was in a Boston sketch group called thank gladys. And we wrote sketches. Some good, some great, and a lot...um, a lot that would be best forgotten to the winds of time. Seriously. I mean, one time, I was dressed as a pirate and...let's just not talk about it. Okay?

Occasionally, a news story will jog my failing memory and I think back to those halcyon days of yesteryear. This morning, one such news story brought it all back to me:

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service might reclassify the manatee as threatened instead of endangered, a move suggesting the marine mammal has rebounded from the brink of extinction, according to an internal memo obtained by The Washington Post.

The March 26 memo says Florida manatees are showing positive growth and adult survival rates, the Post reported Monday.

The agency plans to say that the manatee "no longer meets the definition of an endangered species," according to the memo, which was sent to the White House.

"Zee manatee, gentle giant of the sea. She must be saved, no? So today, we cook her up and eat her!"*

Sometimes, I think I'm only writing these entries for one person. And I am.

*Edited because Ross actually remembered the line. But I'm still right about the title of the sketch.

He hath risen...and stolen your wife

From the short-lived-but-fondly-remembered Exit 57, the sketch show that brought Stephen Colbert to New York City.



Paul Dinello on the gee-tar. And yes, that's Amy Sedaris cavorting with Christ. Kind of amazing how much talent was involved in that show.

Knight Automated Roving Robot

Wilton Knight created a prototype vehicle whose primary function was self-preservation, a completely self-serving machine who could threaten all of mankind. That prototype was KARR.



Luckily, Michael and KITT were able to stop KARR's rampage, but it returned, deadlier and more dangerous than ever.



KARR was destroyed forever...

...or was it?



Sadly, KARR only appeared twice in the series...but somewhere, somehow, KARR is still out there. Waiting. Plotting. Hungry...for revenge!

See also: KARR in wikipedia * KARR on YouTube

Knight Industries Two Thousand

Are you kidding me?

1982 Pontiac Trans Am
305 V-8 engine
2,393 original miles

This is one of the 3 original cars Pontiac donated to Glen Larson to film the Knight Rider TV series.

It is one of only 4 surviving T-top cars from the series.

This car has been restored to it's original season 1 condition

Come take Michael Knight's place behind the wheel of one of the most famous cars in history!

I know it's geeky, but it's also kind of stylish. Certainly more functional than driving around, say, the Batmobile. Definitely less nerdy than a life-sized replica of Han Solo frozen in carbonite hanging in your living room.

I mean, seriously. It's KITT.

And if you loved me, you would buy me this.

They shoot peaceniks, don't they?

John Lennon's piano, on tour as a symbol of peace, was to arrive Friday to commemorate the anniversary of the death of civil-rights leader the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

Lennon composed his 1971 song "Imagine" on the Steinway upright piano, which was purchased by pop star George Michael in 2000 for $2.1 million.

Memphis is the second stop on the tour that will include the World Trade Center in Manhattan, the bombed federal building in Oklahoma City and the Branch Davidian compound destroyed in a fiery siege in Waco, Texas.

The first tour stop was Dallas, where President Kennedy was assassinated on Nov. 22, 1963.

"This is about hopes and dreams and the world condition," Michael's partner, Kenny Goss, said Tuesday.

The Memphis stop coincides with the 39th anniversary of King's death on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel, now the visual centerpiece of the National Civil Rights Museum. King was assassinated April 4, 1968.

I think the lesson here is, if you're going to preach peace, harmony, and equality...someone is probably going to shoot you.

No wonder some people support war. It's safer.

"I can't get no..."

Stone Richards claims the daddy of all highs

LONDON: You don't need to be a rock historian to know Rolling Stone Keith Richards has enjoyed the odd narcotic.

But the legendary guitarist and songwriter, whose fondness for drugs has been openly acknowledged for decades, astonished even his hardened fans with his admission in British music bible NME that he once snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine.

Richards, 63, told the magazine his unusual experiment with paternally enhanced cocaine came after his father's cremation five years ago.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father.

"I snorted my father. He was cremated, and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow," Richards said in the interview, which was posted on NME's website. Richards's father, Bert, died in 2002 at the age of 84. "My dad wouldn't have cared," he said, adding: "It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

An NME spokeswoman said the story was genuine and not a late April Fool's joke. But Richards' long-time manager Jane Rose last night insisted the rocker was joking. "Can't believe anyone took it seriously," Ms Rose told MTV News.

Richards said he was proud of his ability to survive despite the excesses of his lifestyle.

"I was No1 on the 'Who's Likely To Die' list for 10 years. Some doctor told me I had six months to live, and I went to their funeral."

But he admitted his survival was partly the result of luck.

Beware the Fools of April