In our latest assignment, we partnered up. We had to read the news and write up 20 premise lines for our partners - the premise lines being the actual set-ups for the jokes. I wrote 20 for my partner, he wrote 20 for me...
Then, based on our partner's premise lines, we had to write up our own punchlines. So, for the following jokes, my partner provided the set-ups, I provided the punchlines. Got it? Good.
Since we had to write up 20, I will spare you the full onslaught of my underwhelming mediocrity and only post the semi-decent ones. For my sake and yours.
Okay, enough of the preamble. Here are some of my jokes this week, based on my partner's premise lines. His premise lines are in italics; my punchlines are in bold.
This week, North Korea issued a statement claiming it needs atomic weapons to stop the United States from attacking.
Pointing to the current war in Iraq, Kim Jong Il observed, “The US only attacks countries that DON’T have atomic weapons.”
Russia announced today that it plans to impose sanctions and crack down on its one million Georgian immigrants working in Russia.
US officials have offered their help, asking “Have you guys thought about building a fence?”
As the New York Times is reporting, President Bush is backing embattled Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert, who's been criticized for his handling of the Mark Foley sex scandal.
Bush said that considering Foley’s behavior, no one should be surprised that Republicans have a problem with HANDLING things.
US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice visited the Kurds in Iraq, praising their leaders but expressing concern over their desire to have autonomous control of their oil fields.
She stated, “Come on guys, we want the oil. That’s why we’re here. D’uh.”
Last month, Apple announced plans to recall thousands of Sony laptop batteries. This week, Hitachi announced it also plans to recall 16,000 of the Sony batteries.
An Apple spokesman remarked, “Do they have to copy EVERYTHING we do?”
This week, the Bush Administration announced that while job growth has slowed, unemployment has dropped down to 4.6 percent.
Of course, the Administration now defines “looking for a job” as “employment.”
Two American scientists received the Nobel Prize for their work on "space ripples."
Upon presenting the award, the disappointed Nobel committee realized it was mistaken, as the scientists were not working on “Space Nipples.”
Researchers found that Alcoholic drinks made with "diet" beverages make you drunker because Diet drinks pass through your system faster.
It’s a double win for frat guys: it’s cheaper to get their dates drunk…and with fewer calories, it’s South Beach friendly, too.
A new report suggests that there may be no direct link between breast-feeding and intelligence.
But men across the globe insist that they’ll keep on researching, dammit!
And my personal favorite of the bunch:
New research shows that Marijuana may be more effective in combating Alzheimer's than commercial drugs.
Unfortunately, patients can’t remember where they left their stash.
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