Number 9

Go West, young bloggers

2011-07-02T20:42:00.004-04:00

Hiya.

So, if you keep checking this site and you're wondering to yourself, "Where in the Sam Hill is Benari?!"...

I wanted to let all y'all know that you can follow my continuing adventures over at G.I.Jew on Tumblr . And of course, you can find me on the Twitter, along with all the cool kids these days.

You're the prettiest readers in the world. Good DAY.

Daily Urban Legend

2011-02-20T17:03:00.003-05:00

Hiya, folks who still read blogs!

Just wanted to pimp an awesome new site run by the talented and lovely Maggie Serota, Daily Urban Legend!

Making up shit is fun!

UPDATE: If you've been sent here by Daily Urban Legend, you are now caught in some sort of mutually-promoting internet temporal loop. Welcome!

Back to Boston

2011-02-18T08:51:00.003-05:00

PEOPLE OF BOSTON! I am hosting awesome shows at Mottley's Comedy club this weekend.

Tim McIntire returns to Mottley's, and he's bringing his favorite comics with him! McIntire's been one of the most prolific comics in the Boston scene for over a decade, releasing two acclaimed comedy CDs, hosting the Boston Music Awards, writing for Nickelodeon, appearing on Comcast and NPR, doing independent films and even finding time to write a novel. The Boston Globe has called him a comic "on the verge of stardom."

Tim's bringing some of his very favorite comics with him - he's got New York's Carolyn Castiglia (you might have seen her on Comedy Central or VH1) with his old partner in crime, Benari Poulten, hosting. They're joined by up and comers Gary Petersen (Friday) and Sean Wilkinson (Saturday). Truly, a stacked lineup top to bottom. Come on out!

So head on out to Mottley's Comedy Club! A splendid time is guaranteed for all.*

*Splendid time not actually guaranteed for all.

T.S. Dandersnatch, Real Estate Broker At Large - Episode the Fourth

2010-11-17T22:59:00.000-05:00

More silliness.

Veterans' Day 2010

2010-11-11T14:49:00.006-05:00

This morning - 11 NOV 2010 - I had the honor of speaking at the Chelmsford Veterans' Park for their annual Veterans' Day ceremony. Below is the prepared draft of my remarks. I deviated a little from my notes, so the actual speech was slightly different...but I think you can get the drift.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SFC Benari Poulten

OEF/OIF Veteran

11 NOV 2010

VETERANS' DAY REMARKS

Exactly one year ago today, I stepped off a C-17 in Ali-Asaleem in Kuwait with Baghdad, Iraq in my rear view and Fort Dix, NJ in my sights. For me, for my unit, for many of the men and women with whom I served, we were done.

Our deployment was over. For others we had just left, their deployment was ongoing. For others still, it was just beginning…so it goes in times of war.

So this Veterans’ Day is especially profound for me. In 2003, I spoke here as a brand new young Vet on behalf of my father who was deployed overseas. Last year, my father spoke here - as a slightly older Vet - on my behalf. And this year, I am grateful that we are BOTH here - safe and whole - as I speak on behalf of all those who cannot be here.

As Veterans, we know that when our country calls, our answer is simple: “Here I am.”

Veterans know the answer to the question: “What can YOU do for your country?”

Veterans know the cost of freedom.

And Veterans know there are many who sacrificed ALL so that so many of us could have so much…and who will never have the opportunity to hear the thanks of a grateful nation. But they are not forgotten. YOU have not forgotten. And as long as we all continue to gather here and remember, they will NEVER be forgotten.

I’m often asked, “Why did you sign up? Why did you join? What’s the reward?” It’s certainly not the money. There are easier ways to make a living. It’s not for the travel – although Iraq is very nice if you love the beach and hate the water. For me…well, I’ve been attending Veterans’ Day events here at the Chelmsford Veterans’ Park for as long as there has been a park, long before I was even old enough to wear the uniform. These Veterans were always like family.

As my father said when he speaks of “from generation to generation,” I am a third generation Veteran: my mother’s father, an Army Vet of WWII; my father’s father, a WWII Navy Vet; and of course, my father. I am personally part of a remarkable lineage, a link in an unbroken chain that extends back to this country’s roots – of men and women who have always lined up to put it all on the line. And I am humbled by their deeds and their dedication.

I think of my father working in a Combat Support Hospital in Kuwait at the beginning of OIF, where every single casualty and wounded service member passed through their dusty tents. And how he would sound TAPS as bodies in flag-draped coffins were loaded onto the plane for their final trip home – knowing that he had been in the Army longer than some of those bodies had been alive.

I think of my grandfather serving on the destroyer O’Brien – a ship which was kamikaze’d and burned to the water line but STILL made its way back to port under its OWN POWER … thanks entirely to the will and resolve of those men who just wouldn’t quit. How he sat waiting on a ship in the Pacific, part of a planned invasion force, as the bombs which would end the war were dropped over Japan – only to be turned around and sent home…always believing that the greatest force of destruction ever unleashed upon the world had saved his life.

This is what it means to be a Veteran. Veterans hear the clarion call – not just today, but EVERY day. Veterans do not ask, “How much SHOULD I give,” but instead, “How much CAN I give? What more CAN I do? What more NEEDS to be done? I will do it.”

Veterans know that when things are bleakest, when the night seems darkest, we must somehow reach down deep and find that extra strength, that added resolve to keep going. And we find that strength through you – all of you here today. You – the families and friends, the loved ones, the ones back home who support and care for us all. YOU are the lights that shine brightly to help guide us through the darkness so that we may find our way home.

And for those who do not make it home, we who are fortunate -WE carry their legacies home with us. We carry on their fight. And we strive to always live up to the ideals and the high standards they have set for us. We only hope that we can honor their memories as they have honored us.

I know what MY reward is. My reward is that I get to proudly wear this uniform. I get to say that I am an American Soldier. I am an American service member. I am a Veteran of the United States of America. And I am humbled and honored to be counted among their ranks.

To all those here, to all those who have served and to all those who continue to serve, I thank you and I salute you.

T.S. Dandersnatch, Real Estate Broker At Large - Episode the Third

2010-10-26T16:18:00.002-04:00

Things continue getting creepier for our hapless Real Estate Broker, as Hallowe'en draws ever nearer.

Previous episodes of T.S. Dandersnatch, Real Estate Broker At Large can be found HERE and HERE.

NYC tonight!

2010-10-26T16:15:00.001-04:00

NYC FOLKS!

Luca Lounge! Tonight! Comedy!
Tuesday, October 26th · 8:00pm - 9:30pm
222 Avenue B between 13th and 14th
New York, NY

T.S. Dandersnatch, Real Estate Broker At Large - Episode the Second

2010-10-19T14:51:00.005-04:00

I am officially addicted to making little movies on xtranormal.com. Here's the second in the continuing adventures of T.S. Dandersnatch, hapless Real Estate Broker.

Fellow geeks (lookin' at you Kevin, Mikester) might get an added kick out of this one...

Family Hour Show tonight!

2010-10-19T14:18:00.003-04:00

HIYA, CITIZENS!

Tonight, Sara Benincasa's FAMILY HOUR returns to NYC! And I'll be telling some sort of story involving my nephews, Star Wars, super heroes, and my parents.

DETAILS:

Tuesday, October 19 · 8:00pm - 9:30pm
Luca Lounge
222 Avenue B between 13th and 14th
New York, NY
The critically-acclaimed fan favorite is BACK in a new location!
FREE admission
FREE homebaked cookies

Featuring true family stories from...

Baratunde Thurston (web editor at The Onion; HarperCollins author)
Sean Donnelly (Lil' Seany Boy Show)
Sean L. McCarthy (The Comic's Comic)
Benari Poulten (Shoot the Messenger)
Chelsea White (Gotham Comedy Club)
Jena Friedman (Entertaining the Bartender)

T.S. Dandersnatch, Real Estate Broker At Large - Episode the First

2010-10-17T23:17:00.005-04:00

Look! I made this thing!

And you can make your own thing, too! Bravo xtranormal.com for creating a fantastically simple and fun tool.

Welcome to this week's obsession.

USA! USA!

2010-07-04T00:02:00.000-04:00

Here's lookin' at you, America!

Happy Canada Day!

2010-07-01T01:21:00.001-04:00

Celebrate Canada Day by enjoying the videos from the previous post!

Rush Justice

2010-06-30T18:44:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, we make funny videos.

Added bonus video!

oh, hello again

2010-06-04T18:36:00.000-04:00

I know we haven't spoken much since I've returned from Iraq, but I still think of you often.

We'll be in touch.

The Sophisticates! Tonight!

2010-04-01T11:25:00.002-04:00

Illustration by Norn Cutson

NOT A HOAX!

NOT A DREAM!

TONIGHT!
Thursday, April 1st at 8PM!
The Peoples Improv Theater
154 W. 29th Street 2nd FL
New York, NY

Kevin Janus and Benari Poulten are... The Sophisticates! Join them on the first Thursday of every month for their brand new comedy show featuring original live and video sketches. Tuxedos. Red Roses. Lovely Ladies. It's Comedy... with a touch of class.

If you're in the NYC area and looking for something awesome to do for April Fool's Day...come on down!

Exclamation points!!!!

"I love these guys! Hilarious--best live comedy I've seen in ages!"
- Lizz Winstead, Co-Creator of The Daily Show.

"I wet my pants. Happy now? You f*^kers owe me new pants."
- Jo Miller, Writer, The Daily Show.

"Reviving the comedy spirit of Martin & Lewis, the Sophisticates are just as smart, silly and carefree, but a little more Canadian and a touch more bald."
- Jeff Kreisler, IFC sketch critic; author of Get Rich Cheating.

Buy Tix

oh, hello

2010-03-04T13:36:00.004-05:00

TONIGHT!

The Sophisticates at the PIT, MARCH 4th at 8pm.
154 W. 29th St. NYC

Kevin Janus and Benari Poulten are... The Sophisticates! Join them on the first Thursday of every month for an all new comedy show featuring original live and video sketches, plus music and special guest stars!
Comedy... with a touch of class.
$10 at the door.
Tix are a little cheaper if you order online...
brownpapertickets.com

Revolution Number

2009-09-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

Number 9. Number 9. Number 9.

Geekend

2009-07-24T07:22:00.000-04:00

I like that Google looked like this today.

As seen on facebook

2009-07-16T06:03:00.002-04:00

"Goo goo ga joob."

One of my buddies posted video of this horrifying Walrus mask on on his facebook page, to which I replied:

"From the month-long Bothan raves to the seemingly endless lines of "Correlian Marching Powder" he would snort, Walrus Man thought the decadence of 1977 would last forever. He was wrong. Tragically wrong. His collaborater and best friend, Snaggletooth, would never even live to see how bad things would get by the 80's..."

-from Inside the Cantina: a tale of scum and villainy

To which my buddy replied:

He buried most of his friends in the 80's, Benari. But was the Times reporting THAT?! WHERE was their evolved sensibility then?!

My reply:

There were numerous plays written about it throughout the 80's and well into the 90's, including "Tauntauns," "...And the Cantina Band Played On," "Love! Ewoks! Compassion!" And of course, the sprawling epic "Angels in Alderaan" by noted bounty hunter-turned-playwright Dengar.

Let Freedom Ring

2009-07-04T10:01:00.000-04:00

We kind of had fireworks last night...what with the rocket/mortar attacks. Yay, Independence!

To Independence, Freedom, Democracy, Mom, Apple Pie, Truth, Justice, and the American Way!

July. A month for independence.

2009-07-01T07:37:00.003-04:00

Happy Day AFTER "Victory over America" Day!

Yep. They love us.

Funny how the new Iraqi government is now taking pot shots at us for essentially creating the circumstances which allowed for them to take power in the first place.

Also, the Iraqis celebrate events by indiscriminately shooting weapons into the air.

Hm. We've basically just turned Iraq into Texas.

Please note: My views and opinions do not in ANY WAY, shape, or form represent those of the Army, the US, it Government, its citizens, its subsidiaries, its share holders, its global assets, or any combination thereof.

Welcome Back Rogers

2009-06-15T16:09:00.000-04:00

No one could have predicted that Steve Rogers would once again triumphantly return from the dead!

But yes, Steve Rogers will once again be shield-slinging in the familiar Red, White, & Blue. And when he once again throws his mighty shield, all those who chose to oppose his shield must yield.

Welcome back, Cap.

How do you get to Colbert's writers' room? Just get deployed to Iraq!

2009-06-14T13:48:00.008-04:00

Here's a quick round-up of what I've been up to this week:

The Lowell Sun has a nice mention of me in the Sunday Column:

STAND-UP COMIC and Army Sgt. 1st Class Benari Poulten rubbed elbows recently in Baghdad with political satirist and Comedy Central star Stephen Colbert.

"He was in Iraq for a few days for a USO tour, and I managed to end up in his makeshift writers room during part of the visit," Poulten e-mailed The Sun from Iraq. "Just think, I had been in NYC for 5 years, and I had to go all the way to Baghdad to end up in Colbert's writers room."

Colbert's visit has been widely reported, because he declared the war in Iraq officially over and had his head shaved, Army-style, after a videotaped order from President Barack Obama.

Poulten, who grew up in Chelmsford, is part of a multinational force in Baghdad specializing in civil and public affairs as a liaison to the Iraqi media.

Before being deployed in January, Benari was in New York, where he most recently worked in a comedy club show with Liz Winstead, a co-creator of The Daily Show, where Colbert got his start.

Benari has also rubbed elbows with Lowellian Mehmed Ali, an arts/culture liaison with the Iraqi government.

"They're on different sides of Baghdad, but have seen each other when Benari goes to the American Embassy," said Sam Poulten, Benari's father.

When he returns, "hopefully by Christmas," Benari will likely return to New York to resume his comedy writing and stand-up career.

He hopes his backstage brush with Colbert, who taped four episodes of his show there, opens doors.

"He's a terrific guy and the shows were hilarious -- and he was nice enough to take a pic backstage," Benari e-mailed.

Don't know how many doors it'll open up, but it was pretty cool. Colbert and his entire staff were fantastic and could not have been nicer to me. And since one of Colbert's goals was to bring more attention to the troops still here in Iraq, I'd say "Mission ccomplished." There's nothing politically volatile about that phrase, right?

My old boss and good pal Pat Cook is also mentioned in Column for his dry wit and humor. And what's this? Why, yes, he also had a thing or two to say about my brush with fame.

And of course, NYC buddy and comedy aficionado Sean McCarthy had a nice mention of me over on his blog, The Comic's Comic, one of the best resources of comedy insight on the world wide web.

I'll follow up soon with some more behind the scenes tales from the front lines of Baghdad.

Excelsior!

Yes. I'm talking about the weather.

2009-06-05T13:17:00.004-04:00

Weather today: 115℉.

Weather tonight: sand-stormy.

I can't figure out why so many people in this country are angry .

Forever Jung

2009-05-31T14:30:00.004-04:00

So, what does it mean when you have a dream...

With FALCOR in it. You know, Falcor? The Luck Dragon? From The Neverending Story?

So, what does that mean when you dream of Falcor?

Not flying, mind you. He was curled up. On a couch. Yawning. Totally chill. I think he smiled.

He wasn't even a main character in the dream. He was a background piece, a bit player in a larger dream, the details of which I can't remember. And it wasn't even some outrageous, fantastical trip through the imagination. The locale was far from extraordinary. I think we were in a study...it may have even been a psychiatrist's office. Analyze THAT.

So. Yeah. I had a dream and in that dream I saw Falcor curled up on a couch like a puppy.

The End.

...or is it...?

Of memorials and anniversaries

2009-05-25T02:19:00.002-04:00

I will be memorializin' the HELL out of this weekend.

Also, Star Wars premiered 32 years ago.

Radiohead vs.

2009-03-14T08:29:00.003-04:00

What the...?!

When Radiohead refused to meet Miley Cyrus and Kanye West at the Grammy Awards last month, the starlet threatened to "ruin" them and the rapper refused to stand for their performance. Now the In Rainbows band is fighting back.

Could this possibly be setting the stage for a future "make-up" collaboration - maybe the strangest cross-genre/pan-generational musical team-up ever?!

But the question remains...why? WHY would Thom Yorke diss THE Hannah Montana and THE Kanye West like that?

Blame it on the black star. Blame it on the falling sky...

"Time's up! Time's here..for the Watchmen. Watch out!"

2009-03-06T02:43:00.003-05:00

Somehow I don't think we're that far off from this actually being a cartoon...

I think the Bubastis-as-Snarf/Scooby might be my favorite...

I cannot believe that I'm missing out on WATCH-MANIA, the geekiest cultural event since Episode I.

Here's a quick look back at the unpublished WATCHMEN musical Ross and I once joked about writing.

And when they finally DO make the musical...well, the joke will be on us.

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Clean Coal reposted

2009-03-04T11:41:00.003-05:00

Just a reminder, we did Clean Coal way before it became all cool.

"Let's Believe in Love!"

2009-02-14T04:46:00.005-05:00

In honor of this year's Hallmark-sponsored celebration of love and romance, I offer up this slice of awesome.

For the ladies.

This is the grand finale (spoiler alert!) to Alyas Batman en Robin, a bootleg Filipino spoof of the beloved caped crusaders as they battle their fearsome foes in an epic battle of good vs. evil.

Good buddy Ross is really the one to blame for this, as he once described this Bollywood-esque fever dream to me... and I then spent four years trying to track down this flick; I finally found a bootleg copy at Midtown Comics in NYC in '03 and proudly presented Ross with, what I think, is one of the best birthday gifts ever.

So, if you want to see the full-length feature (and I defy anyone to actually make it through the entire thing in one sitting), go bug Ross or swing by Midtown Comics.

I think the entire thing might even be on YouTube... *shudder*

For anyone who hasn't seen it (and that probably includes most everyone, except Ross. And maybe this guy), Alys Batman en Robin is a foreign flick that inexplicably slips into song...sung in English. I mean, here you are, enjoying an incomprehensible bank heist sequence, entirely in (I think) Filipino, when all of a sudden, the Joker and the Penguin burst into a rousing rendition of "We steal," sung to the tune of Chuck Berry's Lucille.

This goes on for about 2 hours, culminating in...this...ending:

It's a way more upbeat ending than The Dark Knight. And it's catchy, too!

Let's be good, not bad/
Let us not be bad!
(That's better)
Let's be good, not bad/
Let's be AFRAID OF GOD!
aaaahhhhhhh
aaaaahhhhhhh
Let's believe in LOVE!

How true.

So, this Valentine's Day, I say to you:

Let's be good, not bad. Let's believe in love!

And don't forget to be afraid of GOD!

Bar mitzvah

2009-02-11T06:18:00.005-05:00

Way to go, Israel!

No, I'm not talking about the recent elections or the stand-off with Hamas.

I'm referring to Bar Refaeli, who became the first Israeli to grace the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. If ever there was a chance to bring sustained peace to the Middle East, Israel has finally provided an offering I think the entire world can get behind.

Although, the victory may be bitter-sweet for the Tribe, as she's dating Leonardo DiCaprio. DiCaprio...that's Sephardic, yes?

Still.

Nice job, Jews!

You don't need a Grammy to know you're good

2009-02-09T03:13:00.002-05:00

I did not see the Grammys, but I enjoyed this on the YouTube this morning.

The audio quality is crummy, but the performance is still fairly awesome.

Also, didn't everyone watching find it just the slightest bit hilariously ironic that Gwyneth Paltrow (married to Coldplay's Chris Martin) introduced Radiohead with glowing affection? Well played, Gwyneth.

WHY I SHOULD... Part...let's say 1, in a series

2009-02-04T02:27:00.005-05:00

When I have some down time, I think about what I would do if I ran things.

Which leads to our new series here at Number 9:

WHY I SHOULD...

In today's installment, we take a look at why I should be put in charge of making that scrapped HBO Preacher series. Sure, a Preacher movie is currently being developed, but we (and by we, I mean, Geeks) all know that it should be an HBO series.

So, here's reason number one why I should make a Preacher series for HBO.

The theme song would be Johnny Cash's version of Personal Jesus.

If the Groundhog sees his shadow...

2009-02-02T12:31:00.004-05:00

..a Jew gets six more months of Baghdad. or something.

Hey. Also. It's Hug a Jew Day. Apparently.

Happy Hug a Jew Day!

Man without a catchphrase

2009-02-02T03:18:00.005-05:00

As a comic, I think it's important to note the passing of a great catchphrase. To wit:

Under Obama, `war on terror' catchphrase fading

I can't wait to get my "Extraordinary, Complex and Interconnected Global Challenges" campaign ribbon!

International Man of Blogging

2009-01-31T01:19:00.003-05:00

Where does he find the time to win a war AND guest blog?

Well, all that time I spend NOT blogging on my own damn site has really paid off!

Friend, fellow NYU alum and screenwriter/playwright extraordinaire Ross Maxwell has a deviously acerbic and hilariously macabre little blog called DreadWhimsy. A blog I very much enjoy.

Crossing cultural, religious, socio-economic and geo-political boundaries, Ross has graciously offered to let me "guest write" a few entries in a rarely seen collaboration between the LA theatre community (read: gays) and the US military industrial complex (Jews who run the world)*.

So check out DreadWhimsy and enjoy some profoundly disturbing laughs.

By the way, this is currently my favorite one from Ro-- er, I mean, Prof. DreadWhimsy...

*you realize I am using satire here. I'm just kidding. There are no gays in LA...

Dead Man, turned on

2009-01-28T09:29:00.002-05:00

Even here in Baghdad, I can always get the REALLY important news...

Rumors--with wings--have been flying all day since British tabloids the Sunday Mirror and Sunday Telegraph published reports that Paul McCart…er, make that Sir Paul McCartney, is poised to marry gal pal Nancy Shevell, whom he began dating a little over a year ago in the midst of his messy $50 million divorce from Heather Mills.

But wait. There's more:

While the ex-Beatle may be the musical one in this couple, the very well-heeled Shevell's life story can perhaps be best summed up with her own theme song: "Keep On Truckin.'" She has spent the last 25 years working for her father's New Jersey-based New England Motor Freight Company, which back in the 1980s was investigated (though never officially put on trial) by the federal government for possible ties to organized crime. Additionally, Shevell has since 2001 been a member of the board of New York State's Metropolitan Transportation Authority, a position she was appointed to by former New York Governor George Pataki, who also just happened to appoint Shevell's former and newly divorced husband, Republican lawyer Robert Blakeman, to a high transportation-related position with the state. (All of which, I guess, would seem to imply that maybe it's McCartney who'd better play this marriage carefully)

She even has New England ties! Possible mob ties...but still, New England ties! And ties to NYC.

I'M from New England! And I live in NYC!

I could possibly be from the same geographical location as a place/places where SIR PAUL McCARTNEY'S possible fiance's father's New Jersey-based (possible mob-related) business had (possibly shady) dealings!

I'm practically his best man.

Happy New President Day!

2009-01-20T12:30:00.002-05:00

Welcoming the new Commander-in-Chief with a cyber/virtual (terrorist) fist-pump.

Seconds after the inauguration of the 44th

president of the United States, Sgt. 1st Class

Theresa Snow, Headquarters Support Company,

Task Force Dragon, Multi-National Corps-Iraq,

hangs the new commander in chief’s photo at

the Sports Oasis Dining Facility at Camp

Victory, Iraq, Jan. 20.

(U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Jason R. Krawczyk)

Bloghdad

2009-01-13T01:16:00.005-05:00

Yes. I admit. My posting has been spotty. But...you know, the war and all.

I'm sitting on a duffel bag in a tent right now, hunched over my laptop which is resting on a cot...THIS is the modern military. Finding new and innovative ways to stay wireless and connected to the rest of the world.

Since my unit is a public affairs unit (we are the 314th PUBLIC AFFAIRS OPERATIONS CENTER, after all), our Sergeant Major thought it might be good idea to keep a running blog of our experiences. A blog I happened to name. So, I should probably also pimp it out here, for the one or two people who still might be reading....

Check out Blogs Over Baghdad to read the true life experiences, perspectives, and thoughts of actual deployed soldiers...in accordance with DoD and military protocol, of course. You'll even get to read the occasional post from me.

Hey! Here's one now!

See? War's not so bad. And democracy MUST be working...there's an actual Starbucks in Kuwait. Here I am enjoying a nice cup of freedom:

Mmm. I love the taste of freedom in the morning.

Ring in the New Year with Capote

2008-12-31T15:49:00.003-05:00

For those who have been lacking in Truman Capote this year...

Chappy Chanukkah

2008-12-31T14:25:00.005-05:00

A NIGHT FOR FAITH, DUTY:
Reservist follows Westford Hanukkah celebration with flight to Iraq

By Robert Mills
Posted: 12/29/2008

Johanna Morse of Framingham hugs her brother, Army Reserve Sgt. 1st Class Benari Poulten,a Chelmsford native, as they say goodbye following the annual menorah-lighting ceremony on Westford Common last night. Within hours, Poulten was on a plane to Iraq. SUN / TORY GERMANN

WESTFORD -- At its very core, the story of Hanukkah is about the battle of light over darkness, and the fight against the forces of evil and hatred, according to Rabbi Zalman Gurkow.

Benari Poulten was facing just such a battle as he and his father lit all nine candles on a 7-foot wooden menorah on Westford Common last night.

Poulten, sergeant 1st class with the Army Reserve's 362nd Mobile Public Affairs Unit, left for the war in Iraq mere hours after taking part in the eighth annual ceremony, held by Chabad of Nashoba Valley on the last night of Hanukkah. He wore his uniform to the common.

Earlier, children had played games, a tradition at the ceremony. Participants sang songs as they prepared to light the menorah, topped with kerosene lamps.

The Poulten family prepared for a challenge that they had already faced before.

Benari Poulten, 31, who splits time between New York City and his native Chelmsford, deployed to Iraq last night with two other members of the 362nd, based in Londonderry, N.H.

They were to join the 314th Public Affairs Operations Center in Iraq, though exactly where in Iraq remains classified until they arrive, according to Benari's father, Sam Poulten. Benari will serve there for a year.

Sam Poulten, a lieutenant colonel with the Army Reserve's 804th Medical Brigade, served in Iraq from 2003 to 2004. He is co-owner of WCAP in Lowell. His son has also served in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Sam Poulten said his own experience in Iraq changed little.

"I'm just a dad, and I'm worried," he said.

He agreed with Rabbi Zalman that Benari's Poulten's service and the holiday share a common theme, though.

"Hanukkah teaches everyone that light will always triumph over might as long as people will it," Sam Poulten said. "As long as people are dedicated to righting wrongs and standing between the weak and those that would do them harm, then right always prevails."

Rabbi Zalman believes the U.S. armed forces represent that good in the world today.

"That's why we wanted to dedicate the evening to the U.S. armed forces, thanks to whom our freedom to express our religion freely and openly is preserved," he said.

There were larger lessons, too, though.

Rabbi Zalman said it is everyone's obligation to spread goodness and kindness. Poulten noted that his family is just one of many whose loved ones will spend these holidays far from home.

"It's really a very small sacrifice in the scheme of things, and that's the way Benari feels," Sam Poulten said. "He is just one son. There are 140,000 families with loved ones there right now."

State Rep. Geoff Hall and Rep.-elect Jim Arciero were also on hand, along with about 70 others who came out to celebrate on the common.

From the Lowell Sun

Hallow'een

2008-10-31T16:37:00.002-04:00

You'd think that when you're in the Army, every day is dress-up-in-a-costume day. But sometimes, you have to go the extra mile.

The Army loves irony.

I'm still a little short for a Storm Trooper....

Somewhat of an explanation....

2008-10-10T22:01:00.003-04:00

NY Press explains what's up with me lately...

COMEDY OF TERRORS
From political comic to active-duty solider,
Benari Poulten trades gags for guns

By Maggie Serota

Benari Poulten is a resident of Astoria, or at least he was until his commitment to civic duty granted him a year-long vacation in scenic Iraq. In addition to playing the role of the opening hype man for the weekly Shoot the Messenger comedy show at the Green Room Theater, he’s also a regular at comedy spots Comix, People’s Improv Theater, The Tank and Rififi.

“I think I’ve done everything that has been done,” Poulten remarks. “Even the places that have closed down.”
One would be hard-pressed to find a comedian more qualified to skewer the political process and foreign affairs than 31-year-old Poulten. While other comics passively rely on newspaper headlines and sound bites for material, Poulten has already served as a Congressional Aide to Rep. Marty Meehan (D-Mass) as well as a staffer for the 2004 Kerry campaign. And he’s not just talk; Poulten has also spent the better part of the last decade enlisted in the Army Reserves as a print and broadcast journalist, having recently been promoted to Sergeant First Class.

“I joined the Army Reserves in 1999, one month after college, which pissed off my dad because he wanted me to join for the tuition money. I was like, ‘Screw you, old man!’” Poulten explains. Clearly, there is no greater affront to a father than ignoring his fiscal advice. Adding insult to injury, Poulten went on to acquire $100,000 more debt by earning his MFA in Dramatic Writing at NYU.

His military experience—not to mention a childhood spent in community theater—made him a perfect candidate to send up this summer’s Republican National Convention with the rest of his comedy group, the Shoot the Messenger crew, when they exported their weekly theater show to Minneapolis. Although Poulten is the first to admit that Republicans are comedic sitting ducks.

“A lot of satire is based on taking on the people who happen to be in power, and right now, these are the people who are in power,” Poulten relays before explaining that the group spent its days reporting on the convention via radio and their nights “taking the politicians to task and raking them over the coals.”

Their targets didn’t make it very difficult. “The most absurd moment had to be when we spotted Karl Rove just walking around as if he wasn’t being indicted,” Poulten says. “[Comic] Lizz Winstead remarked that one of the perks of being at the convention is that we were hanging around people that should be in jail.”

Naturally, Poulten did what anyone would do and seized the moment to take a picture with the unsuspecting Bush crony, even if he did have to exercise what he refers to as “an incredible amount of restraint.”

Another highlight involved shooting a segment making fun of the horrendous patriotic-themed fashions being peddled by vendors and modeled by prominent Republicans.

“I had to drive over to the Republican mayor of Bloomington, Indiana’s house to pick up one of the outfits for our sketch, and the car died. So I had to have the mayor help jump my [car] so I could go back to Minneapolis and go make fun of his friends.” It should be noted that the mayor of Bloomington is Gene Winstead, Lizz’s brother.

Although Poulten identifies as a liberal and “proud Democrat,” one has to wonder if he is in any way conflicted about his military assignments, especially when those assignments are surrounded by controversy.

“The last time I was deployed, I was in Guantanamo in 2002,” Poulten relays with remarkable good humor. “I was only supposed to be there for six months, but that got extended to a year because someone had to go and start another war.”

“Guantanamo was one of those situations where I had to separate the warriors from the war since a lot of the public perception of what went on was shaped by policy fights in Washington. It was certainly an interesting place to be handling public affairs.” How’s that for an understatement?

This month, Poulten will be going on the road again, not as an entertainer, but as a member of the Army Reserves shopping off to Iraq.

“I knew it was a possibility that I would be going into Iraq, but I don’t think I’ve fully processed it yet,” he explains. “I have friends who have gone and come back and friends who went and didn’t come back, but I’m looking forward to being a part of history that few of us can experience firsthand.”

Despite being sent into a war zone with the added stress of a leadership position, Poulten fails to lose sight of what is most important.

“Call me back if you need me to be funnier,” he remarked before hanging up.

buh-bye party

2008-10-04T18:17:00.000-04:00

My comedy friends in NYC are sending me off in style.

Sniff. Ain't they sweet?

Fury

2008-10-02T12:01:00.003-04:00

via Kevin.

free fall

2008-09-29T17:09:00.003-04:00

Whew! What a fantastic day. JUST put a whole bucnh of money into Wachovia Bank - that's a big one, nothing's gonna happen to that giant - and I updated my stock portfolio, buying up risky investments because Congress is totally gonna pass a huge bailout bill and ...

Hm?

Say again?

They did what now?

Really. Huh.

But the stock market-

Really?

Biggest point drop...EVER?

Wow.

Well, at least nothing happened to Wach-

Oh.

Oh.

Hrm.

So...

...when do the locusts and pillars of smoke get here?

weeping uke

2008-09-26T13:51:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty wary of Beatles' covers...but this one is pretty damn cool.

"No time for you, Dave. I gotta go fix the economy...right after I see Katie Couric!"

2008-09-25T17:06:00.000-04:00

I believe this is what's called, in the political world, an "oopsie."

Lack of wisdom

2008-09-18T23:24:00.003-04:00

On Monday, I had a wisdom tooth pulled.

It's the first time I've had a wisdom tooth yanked. I don't know that I feel any particular loss of wisdom, but then again, as my life decisions have proven, I don't think I had very much wisdom to lose in the first place.

The appointment was set up through the Army; they hooked me up with a cool dentist on the upper East Side. After informing me that it would take about 15 minutes to rip my tooth out, I was given the option of being knocked out. An option I happily accepted.

It's a weird sensation. You're sitting in the chair, they stick you with a needle, someone says, "Just relax." Everything gets fuzzy and then a nurse is walking you down a hallway to a room where you sleep off the happy juice. And you're biting down on cotton gauze where your wisdom tooth used to be. Odd.

It's like being a private dick in a film noir where some dame just slipped you a mickey.

For me, I didn't really think about the terrible possibilities of all the horrific things that could happen to me while unconscious until it was far, far too late.

My serious lack of wisdom definitely kicked in right as I went under, causing me a slight flurry of panic just as I passed out. Suddenly, every horror movie I had ever seen, every urban legend I had ever heard, every whacked out tale of crazed, maniacal, sado-masochistic dentists flooded my brain.

You go in to get a tooth pulled and you wake up as a head in a jar, I think. This is how it happens!

I calm myself down. I know I'm being irrational. I'm just getting a tooth pulled. This dentist is totally chill and cool. No one is harvesting my organs.

The room goes blurry. "Just relax," he says, shoving cotton into my mouth, in a voice that sounds a million miles away.

Everything is going black.

Oh my God, I suddenly realize too late, slipping into dark oblivion. No one knows I'm here...!

Iraq-enactments bonus clips!

2008-09-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

Because you can never not really serve enough.

Iraq-enactments

2008-09-16T10:24:00.003-04:00

We decided to take an in-depth look at those individuals who fervently support the war...they just don't have the time to actually go and serve themselves. So, they give back in their own way.

I helped write this one up and I shot a bunch of it.

Clean Coal PSA

2008-09-13T18:42:00.000-04:00

It's funny because it's true.

Give to War

2008-09-12T13:02:00.001-04:00

Here's a Shoot the Messenger video I worked on, starring Sarah Silverman.

7 years later...

2008-09-11T08:27:00.001-04:00

FANTASTIC old timey radio

2008-09-09T12:35:00.003-04:00

Hey, True Believers!

Wanna hear Stan Lee narrate original issues of the Fantastic Four in an early 70's attempt to revive serialized radio drama?

Of course you do.

Fret not, faithful followers of the Fantastic Four! Here are 10 episodes! Online! Thanks, INTERNET!

FANTASTIC FOUR RADIO

It's pretty awesome. AND, as an added bonus...

a young Bill Murray plays Johnny Storm, the Human Torch! Yes. THAT Bill Murray.

FAAAAAAntastic.

WUW - live, at the RNC, 3rd show

2008-09-08T13:49:00.001-04:00

This one was probably my favorite one, both from a writing and performing standpoint.

Added bonus; our street team coverage of the convention.

Look for me (or rather, my feet) as TWO of the different reporters on our Mensroom Watch.

WUW - live, at the RNC

2008-09-08T13:46:00.003-04:00

More video coverage from the RNC.

Apparently, the crowd loved my first joke so much, it kind threw off the rest of the piece.

That's a good problem to have, though.

For the record, the "Science Museum" joke was the first joke I wrote with Lizz when we got there.

live from the R.N.C.

2008-09-04T15:39:00.001-04:00

31

2008-09-04T15:08:00.001-04:00

YEAH. THAT HAPPENS.

minnie

2008-08-30T00:19:00.003-04:00

Hiya, folks.

Shoot the Messenger heads out West this week for three shows:

Sep 2, 2008 - Sep 4, 2008
@ 7:00pm each night

The Parkway Theater
4814 Chicago Avenue S
Minneapolis, MN

READ MORE HERE.

Also, Lizz Winstead and I will be broadcasting live on Lowell's WCAP 980 AM every day during the convention. 9:30am and 4:30pm (EST). Tune in or listen live online at 980wcap.com/

That is all. For now.

primary thoughts

2008-08-28T23:28:00.003-04:00

Yeah. I'd say I'm pretty proud to be a Democrat.

Especially tonight.

*But, uh, whoever put together the music programming for the convention...

Yeah. Not so much.

Hey Jews, don't make it bad...

2008-08-28T11:16:00.004-04:00

So. This story:

Good for the Jews? Or bad for the Jews?

Paul McCartney gig revives Israeli Beatles tale

08/27/2008 1:00 PM, AP

An upcoming concert by Paul McCartney has revived memories of the 1960s, when an Israeli official supposedly called off a Beatles concert for fear it would corrupt the nation's youth.

The episode is often fondly quoted as a relic of a long-lost Israel where the public's innocence needed protecting.

Trouble is, the story might not be true: With Israelis in a tizzy about McCartney's arrival, the official's son is taking the opportunity to try to clear his father's name, calling the tale a "Zionist urban legend."

So pervasive is the story of the concert's cancellation 43 years ago that this year Israel's ambassador in London wrote a letter expressing regret over the matter to surviving members of the band. He told them the country would like to make it up to them: come play during this year's celebrations marking Israel's 60th anniversary.

"Israel missed a chance to learn from the most influential musicians of the decade, and the Beatles missed an opportunity to reach out to one of the most passionate audiences in the world," Ambassador Ron Prosor wrote.

On Wednesday, McCartney confirmed the Sept. 25 concert in Tel Aviv, which had been rumored for days.

In a news release, McCartney acknowledged the brouhaha, saying he is finally coming "43 years after being banned by the Israeli government." He promised to give Israelis "the night they have been waiting decades for."

Even before McCartney announced the show, tickets went on sale at prices ranging from $140 to $430.

The Israeli official blamed for canceling the 1965 concert was Yaakov Sarid, a stern-faced man in horn-rimmed glasses who was the Education Ministry's director.

He is remembered today — to the extent that he is remembered at all — mainly for his alleged role in denying Israeli youth their chance to faint and scream at the Fab Four. Also implicated is David Ben-Gurion, Israel's founding father and prime minister at the time.

Sarid, who died in 1976, was the father of Yossi Sarid, for years an outspoken member of Israel's parliament and currently a newspaper columnist.

The younger Sarid, now 67, claims his father had nothing to do with the decision. He wrote a column — only partially tongue in cheek — for the daily Haaretz this week to call the story "a Zionist urban legend." He has tried to make the point in the past, he said, but the story has become too firmly ensconced to budge.

The real story, Sarid said, involved a more mundane feud between two Israeli concert promoters.

The competition was so bitter that when one of them, Yaakov Uri, was about to bring the Beatles to the Jewish state, the other, Giora Godik, used his official connections to torpedo the government approval his rival needed to get the foreign currency to pay for the gig. Sarid said his father was not involved.

This version of events is supported by Israel's pre-eminent pop music critic and historian, Yoav Kutner, who recounted the details in Haaretz on Monday. "It never happened that way," Kutner said of the oft-told story.

Sarid said his father had never heard of the Beatles — his artistic tastes leaned more toward European Jewish liturgical music — and that Ben-Gurion probably hadn't either.

The false version of events only emerged after his father's death, or "after my father was unable to listen to the Beatles," in Sarid's words.

Sarid said the story was first written in a journalist's anthology about Israeli history and gained traction because of Sarid's own political career. Sarid the son was one of the most liberal members of parliament and an outspoken critic of government censorship, which gave the story the necessary ironic punch.

The story has lived on because — accurate or not — it accurately reflected the times. The 1960s was the heyday of Israel's socialist ideology, which sanctified sacrifice and scorned materialism and Western frivolities. Officially, earnest Hebrew paeans to the beauty of the Land of Israel and to the military were in. "Love Me Do" was out.

Though Sarid wants the record set straight and his father's name cleared, he also finds the story amusing and realizes it has taken on a life of its own.

"It's a nice story, in this case much nicer than the truth," he said.

"I DON'T HAVE 25 CENTS!"

2008-08-15T12:23:00.000-04:00

I think we've all had one of these mornings...

STM Newsbreak

2008-08-13T19:46:00.002-04:00

From JULY 28th.

Start at the 2:00 mark. The guy doing the McCain "voice in the head" sounds awfully familiar....

Things that made ME happy in DC last week...

2008-08-13T19:06:00.006-04:00

Tagging along with some friends for the DC ComedyFest and ending up as part of the festival, hosting what turned out to be two fantastic shows.

Getting to host TWO sold-out shows for the hilarious Lizz Winstead, featuring the very funny and talented Sean Crespo. Don't mean to brag, but she co-created the Daily Show. Okay. Maybe I meant to brag a little.

The Arlington Drafthouse is AWESOME. If you are in the Arlington, VA/DC area: GO THERE.

Partying and performing with many awesome comics. And even the not-so-awesome ones. You know who you are.

Drinking wine with some FOLKS WHO HELP RUN THE MEDIA (note: surprisingly, NOT the Jews...)

Getting into a political argument with Greta Van Susteren's husband. Seriously.

Realizing that the while our GPS almost killed us that one time ("Turn right here...down this one way road...into oncoming traffic..."), we would have been absolutely lost without it.

Side bar: when you have the GPS set to British, it calls Dr (Drive) "Doctor" and St (Street) "Saint." Also, DC has letter streets (A, B, C, D...etc.). So, if it were E, N, S, or W, the GPS would refer to it as "East" or "North" or "South" or West." So, we would get directions like: "Turn right on Vermont Doctor Northwest, then turn left on East Saint." That's a hell of a glitch. Of course, Dr. East Saint Northwest would make an awesome Bond villain, yes? "Doctor Northwest, I presume. What have you done with the girl, South Saint Southwest?"

The FDR Memorial. Gorgeous. Inspiring. Dare I say...monumental? I dare.

Meeting Scipio in person, finding out that he really DOES know what's best for DC Comics, AND getting to see Big Monkey Comics in real FULL COLOR life! Next time...we will definitely make dinner plans ahead of time. If you're in DC and you find yourself walking up 14th, near S St., and you see a sign that reads BIG MONKEY COMICS, go in and say hi! And buy Showcase trades! Online, even! Give them money.

in Washington D.C. tonight?

2008-08-08T12:20:00.002-04:00

Because that's where I will be. I'm doing a last-minute-scheduled set as part of the DC Comedy Festival, hence the short notice.

I'll be doing a 10 minute guest set on the Lizz Winstead Show.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8, 2008, 7:30PM, Arlington Cinema & Drafthouse, $22

Heckled by my mom

2008-07-11T13:02:00.004-04:00

ME
...And Lizz is doing a weekend at Comix.  She asked me to feature.

MOM
That's great!  So, you're going to write some new material.

ME
...

"Do It For Peace"

2008-07-06T15:07:00.007-04:00

I wish I had been alive in 1969 AND thought to do this...

...and then put this beautiful little film together. Amazing how simple and consistent Lennon's message was / is / continues to be.

Whatever you do, do it for peace.

About the film:

In 1969, a 14-year-old Beatle fanatic named Jerry Levitan, armed with a reel-to-reel tape deck, snuck into John Lennon's hotel room in Toronto and convinced John to do an interview about peace. 38 years later, Jerry has produced a film about it. Using the original interview recording as the soundtrack, director Josh Raskin has woven a visual narrative which tenderly romances Lennon's every word in a cascading flood of multipronged animation. Raskin marries the terrifyingly genius pen work of James Braithwaite with masterful digital illustration by Alex Kurina, resulting in a spell-binding vessel for Lennon's boundless wit, and timeless message.

One small note. That intrepid kid with the reel-to-reel didn't meet the Walrus.

We all know: "...the Walrus was Paul..."

The American Dream (in comic book form)

2008-07-04T13:37:00.004-04:00

From Captain America #250 by Roger Stern, John Byrne, & Joe Rubinstein. Marvel, 1980.

The American Dream (in Barack Obama form)

2008-07-04T13:20:00.000-04:00

"It is up to us, then, to teach them. It is up to us to teach them that even though we have faced great challenges and made our share of mistakes, we have always been able to come together and make this nation stronger, and more prosperous, and more united, and more just. It is up to us to teach them that America has been a force for good in the world, and that other nations and other people have looked to us as the last, best hope of Earth. It is up to us to teach them that it is good to give back to one's community; that it is honorable to serve in the military; that it is vital to participate in our democracy and make our voices heard.

And it is up to us to teach our children a lesson that those of us in politics too often forget: that patriotism involves not only defending this country against external threat, but also working constantly to make America a better place for future generations.

In the end, it may be this quality that best describes patriotism in my mind – not just a love of America in the abstract, but a very particular love for, and faith in, the American people.

That is why our heart swells with pride at the sight of our flag; why we shed a tear as the lonely notes of Taps sound. For we know that the greatness of this country – its victories in war, its enormous wealth, its scientific and cultural achievements – all result from the energy and imagination of the American people; their toil, drive, struggle, restlessness, humor and quiet heroism.

That is the liberty we defend – the liberty of each of us to pursue our own dreams. That is the equality we seek – not an equality of results, but the chance of every single one of us to make it if we try. That is the community we strive to build – one in which we trust in this sometimes messy democracy of ours, one in which we continue to insist that there is nothing we cannot do when we put our mind to it, one in which we see ourselves as part of a larger story, our own fates wrapped up in the fates of those who share allegiance to America's happy and singular creed.

Thank you, God Bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

-Barack Obama, Independence, MO, June 30th, 2008

Read the full speech here.

dumb people have the vote, too

2008-07-01T13:26:00.003-04:00

Newsweek says that this election will be decided by this year's "IT" demographic: LOW INFO VOTERS.

Back in the day, we just called them STUPID PEOPLE.

good to be bad

2008-06-26T13:34:00.003-04:00

It's official. Being a dick gets you laid.

NICE guys knew it, now two studies have confirmed it: bad boys get the most girls. The finding may help explain why a nasty suite of antisocial personality traits known as the "dark triad" persists in the human population, despite their potentially grave cultural costs.

The traits are the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism.

Thanks, Science. Even worse, there's nothing we can do about it, since procreating is in their very nature.

But being just slightly evil could have an upside: a prolific sex life, says Peter Jonason at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces. "We have some evidence that the three traits are really the same thing and may represent a successful evolutionary strategy."

In short: Assholes are more likely to breed, thus ensuring the survival of their species.

So if you feel like you're surrounded by assholes, you are.
It's only natural.

Badges? Shaq don't need no steenkin' badges...!

2008-06-25T00:49:00.002-04:00

Shaquille O’Neal will lose his special deputy’s badge in Maricopa County because of language he used in a rap video that mocks former teammate Kobe Bryant.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said the Phoenix Suns center’s use of a racially derogatory word and other foul language left him no choice. Arpaio made Shaq a special deputy in 2006 and promoted him to colonel of his largely ceremonial posse later that year.

“I want his two badges back,” Arpaio told The Associated Press on Tuesday. “Because if any one of my deputies did something like this, they’re fired. I don’t condone this type of racial conduct.”

INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE - EVENING

SHAQ
(throwing badge on the desk)

You want my badge? Take it!

CHIEF

Shaq, you're reckless, irresponsible, and a danger to everyone around you...but you're the best damn special deputy and ceremonial posse colonel I've got.

So long, Class Clown

2008-06-23T10:08:00.002-04:00

There are only seven words that could possibly express my feelings about the death of George Carlin.

Naturally.

And some thoughts on death by the man himself.

STM Newsbreak - from last week

2008-06-17T11:34:00.002-04:00

Here are some jokes that I wrote and/or helped write from last week's show.

I'm particularly proud of the last bit, based on this story:

Obama and Lieberman greeted each on the Senate floor in the Well as they were voting on the budget resolution.

They shook hands. But Obama didn’t let go, leading Lieberman - cordially - by the hand across the room into a corner on the Democratic side, where Democratic sources tell ABC News he delivered some tough words for the junior senator from Connecticut, who had just minutes before hammered Obama's speech before the pro-Israel group AIPAC in a conference call arranged by the McCain campaign...

The two spoke intensely for approximately five minutes, with no one able to hear their conversation. Reporters watched as Obama leaned closely in to Lieberman, whose back was literally up against the wall.

Enjoy.

Update from an Undisclosed Location

2008-06-14T13:39:00.002-04:00

I meant to post this week, but it's that time of the year for me. I'm on Army time - what used to be called Annual Training, or AT. I'm told it is now called ECT - Extended Combat Training.

I used to drill one weekend a month. Now I attend Battle Assembly.

Just two of the many little changes to the Army Reserve that six years of war brings.

Stay tuned as I wax poetic a little more on what it is I actually do in the Army.

Everybody blogs

2008-06-14T11:49:00.003-04:00

Well, whaddya know?

My lovely and talented sister, Geordarna, works for an adorable little kitchenware shop called bluecashew.

And thanks to her hard work, you can check out their brand - spankin' - new website by clicking on the above link.

Even better, she's blogging for 'em, too. So go poke around the website and check out the blog, The Dose, at

http://www.bluecashewkitchen.blogspot.com

Oh, yeah - if you check out their products, you might just be reading descriptions written by a certain NY-based comic who also happens to (occasionally) post on this very blog...!

R2tWH - 6.9.08

2008-06-12T00:16:00.000-04:00

Real Life Conversations That Will One Day Make It Into My Screenplay

2008-06-06T02:43:00.003-04:00

HER
Are you kidding? My ass is like the Mohammad Ali of asses!
(pause)
I don't know what that means.

ME
Uh...it floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

villa.

Harvey Korman. 1927-2008

2008-05-30T12:37:00.003-04:00

So long, Harvey.

Harvey Korman, an Emmy-winning comedic actor best known for playing the self-described "luminous second banana" for a decade on television's "The Carol Burnett Show" and for starring in such Mel Brooks films as "Blazing Saddles," has died. He was 81.

I am positive that this is NOT how you would like to be remembered:

Or this:

I hope Tim Conway does the eulogy. If only to see Harvey Korman crack up at his own funeral.

oh, yeah. I have a blog.

2008-05-29T15:19:00.003-04:00

Yeah. SO. Let's just pretend I keep up with this thing.

I cannot wait for this to happen:

A video that purportedly shows a living, breathing space alien will be shown to the news media Friday in Denver.

Jeff Peckman, who is pushing a ballot initiative to create an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission in Denver to prepare the city for close encounters of the alien kind, said the video is authentic and convinced him that aliens exist.

Surely this is emphatic proof that extraterrestrial life exists and it couldn't possibly be a desperate stunt to generate publicity for some kind of documentary.

Peckman said the general public will have to wait to see it because it's being included in a documentary by Stan Romanek.

"No one will be allowed to film the segment with the extraterrestrial because there is an agreement in place limiting that kind of exposure during negotiations for the documentary," he said.

Oh. Still...I am skeptical.

But people won't have to wait too long to see it for themselves.

"There is an open, public meeting in about a month in Colorado Springs," Peckman said. "We'll hope to do one in Denver at some point, and then in a few months, there will be the documentary that anybody can have, and it'll have the footage."

An instructor at the Colorado Film School in Denver scrutinized the video "very carefully" and determined it was authentic, Peckman said.

Some guy in Colorado looked at it and said it was real? That's good enough for me!

So. What's the footage show?

"It shows an extraterrestrial's head popping up outside of a window at night, looking in the window, that's visible through an infrared camera," he said. The alien is about 4 feet tall and can be seen blinking, Peckman said earlier this month.

R2tWH - 5.19.08!

2008-05-20T18:00:00.001-04:00

more STM Newsbreaks - 5.12.08

2008-05-16T23:42:00.001-04:00

R2tWH - 5.12.08!

2008-05-14T23:41:00.000-04:00

not quite appropriate, considering ...

2008-05-10T14:47:00.002-04:00

This is one of my favorite sketches we worked on. Yes, it's creepy, but yes, it is rooted in horrifying reality!!

STM Newsbreak

2008-05-09T14:24:00.002-04:00

I wrote or helped write all of these...

...and of course, be on the look out for a handsome fella somewhere in the middle of this important News Break.

SIRIUS-ly (again)

2008-05-08T14:39:00.002-04:00

I'll be waxing philosophical and political tonight at 5pm once again on Sirius Satellite Radio, Channel 110.

I continue to be big time.

5PM
"The Blog Bunker"
INDIE TALK 110
Sirius Satellite Radio

Tune in, turn on...blah, blah, blah.

R2tWH - 5.5.08!

2008-05-06T20:17:00.000-04:00

He's a cool exec with a heart of steel

2008-05-02T14:35:00.002-04:00

So that movie that came out today? Let me review it briefly.

IRON MAN:

Hells Yeah.

Bravo, to all involved.

Oh, and a nice little geek touch, using the 60s Iron Man cartoon theme song as a cellphone ringtone.

Yes. I noticed.

STM Newsbreak

2008-04-30T16:19:00.003-04:00

Who's that handsome fella who shows up in the middle of the Newsbreak?

And yes, the guy wearing the helmet in the background is part of the joke. That's Barry, who is the other guy on Race to the White House with me.

R2tWH - 4.28.08!

2008-04-30T11:49:00.000-04:00

It takes Diff'rent Strokes to rule the world...

2008-04-28T12:39:00.004-04:00

Dear People Who Run the World,

Please make this stop.

Seriously. Not cool, guys. Not cool.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

A Poor Person

Oil hit a new record near $120 a barrel on Monday, boosted by a string of bullish factors that included big disruptions to Nigeria's output and a UK refinery strike, highlighting anxieties over threats to supply.

Prices retreated from early peaks as the dollar gained versus the euro, reflecting some expectations that the U.S. Federal Reserve may not cut interest rates this week.

U.S. light crude for June delivery was up 37 cents at $118.89 a barrel by 11:34 a.m. EDT, after a record high of $119.93. Prices are up almost 25 percent since the start of the year.

London Brent crude was up 43 cents at $116.77.

"Continued attacks in Nigeria and refinery closures in Scotland ... may see the U.S. target $121-122 a barrel this week, with longer-term charts all pointing to $130 or higher," said Ben Coleman, senior commodities trader at TradIndex.

Crude prices have surged more than fivefold since 2002 as global supplies struggle to keep pace with rising demand in emerging economies, such as China.

On a more serious note, Gary Coleman is getting divorced.

Thank God it will all be televised on Divorce Court.

Poor fella. Nothing good in this life lasts.

"I am also a cop"

2008-04-26T15:11:00.006-04:00

Sean Crespo made a snarky video about the (presumably) awful television show, MOONLIGHT. Watch closely, and you'll see me in the middle of the video, somewhere. About 2 minutes in.
I'm a cop.

WATCH NO PRIOR KNOWLEDGE.

I will be on the tee-vee this weekend

2008-04-25T14:08:00.002-04:00

If you're as big a fan of me as I am, then you might want to tune your TiVos and/or DVRs to the CNN HEADLINE NEWS NETWORK this Saturday and/or Sunday at 7pm, where I'll make with the snarky comments on things that happened long ago.

Please note, I have no idea what the quality of the commentary or the show will be like. But it's on the tee vee! How can it be bad?

Please check back here for a full breakdown, after it airs.

CNN HEADLINE NEWS * SATURDAY & SUNDAY @ 7pm, 9pm, & Midnight

They made a doll of Hitler. They made a HITLER DOLL!

2008-04-24T15:20:00.007-04:00

Now our failure is complete.

I have mentioned before that my former sketch comedy troupe, thank gladys, was, in many ways, ahead of its time. Like foreseeing a day when we could save the mighty manatee by eating 'em up.

Well, today, a disturbing news story caught my attention. Disturbing to me, not because of the horrifying subject matter - it is deeply disturbing, make no mistake - no, disturbing to me because we thought it up as a joke over ten years ago!!!

The year was 1996. A 'roided up Jose Conseco played for a lackluster Boston Red Sox. Bob Dole, Scourge of the Seven Seas unsuccessfully challenged incumbent Bill Clinton for the presidency of the United States. And Tickle Me Elmo dolls were all the rage.

Being fans of the zeitgeist, Ross and I whipped up a humble little sketch that would become a staple of our repertoire: Tickle Me Hitler. The premise being, an irate customer tries to return a doll to the toy store because he inadvertently bought a Hitler doll. Basically, the sketch starts out thusly:

ME
I'd like to make a return.

CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Sure. What seems to be the problem?

ME
See, I asked for a Tickle Me Elmo. They gave me Tickle Me Hitler.

CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
And is something wrong with it?

ME
Well, it's Hitler.

CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes.

ME
And it's a doll.

CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes. It says so right on the box.

ME
It's a doll of Hitler. It's a Hitler doll!!

CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
And you don't want it anymore?

ME
I never wanted it! What kind of a sicko wants a Hitler doll?

Well, apparently, Ukrainians do.

Kiev - A Ukrainian manufacturer is preparing to sell dolls of the former German dictator Adolf Hitler in local toy stores, the Zerkalo Tizhden' newspaper reported on Monday.

The 40cm figure will first be available in the capital Kiev, and like the similar-sized Barbie doll wear clothes the owner may change, according to the article.

To be fair, our sketch involved a Hitler doll where if you tickle him once, he says "Hee Hee." If you tickle him twice, he says "Ooooh, zat tickles." And if you tickle him a third time, he says "Sieg Heil." This Ukrainian doll doesn't talk.

BUT IT'S STILL A DOLL OF HITLER!

THEY MADE A HITLER DOLL!!

FOR CHILDREN!!!

And there's video of it. .

Mein Gott in Himmell.

Perhaps one day, I will dig up our old tapes and post some of these sketches online, for historical purposes. Until then...I don't even know anymore.

Humanity never ceases to amaze me. Our society has completely jumped the shark three or four times over.

They made a Hitler doll.

R2tWH - 4.21.08!

2008-04-23T14:07:00.002-04:00

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

2008-04-20T16:07:00.002-04:00

And by fish, I mean snarky commentary about comic books and pop culture.

So long, Dave's Long Box. It was a good run.

*Please note, I don't actually love Dave. I mean, I don't even really know the guy, I never even met the dude. I just liked his blog, is all. I mean...ahhh. You know what I mean.

Thanks for making the internet a little more fun.

Godspeed, cyber chum!

R2tWH - 4.14.08!

2008-04-15T17:06:00.001-04:00

ends, odds, etc.

2008-04-14T11:32:00.002-04:00

TONIGHT!

5:30PM.

Tune in to Channel 110 on Sirius Satellite Radio!

That's where you can hear me discuss things of great import on "The Blog Bunker".

That's Indie Talk 110 on Sirius Satellite Radio, 5:30PM.

Then, at 8PM, head on over to the Green Room Theater, 45 Bleecker St., and catch me in Shoot the Messenger.

End Transmission.

Lowell...ish tonight

2008-04-11T11:11:00.003-04:00

I guess I should mention that I'm doing a show tonight at Lenzi's in Dracut, MA tonight.

I'm the worst self-promoter ever. Also, the blogging hasn't been so stellar. Lots of stuff to catch you all up on. Soon. Details below:

Well folks, this is the last year for Leo Dunn, AKA, Larry Starr. To kick off his impending retirement Larry/Leo has graciously offered to host our first annual comedy night fundraiser, "THE LAST HURRAH OF LARRY STARR".

The fundraiser is to benefit the school's Assistance and Activities Fund and to help pay for Seymour, (the wonder school therapy dog). All proceeds will be used for the students and to help pay for the dog. The Activities Fund organizes trips and excursions, entertainment and other activities for the students, supplementing or fully covering the costs. The Assistance Fund helps students who can't afford to pay for their school uniforms or other supplies. The fund also donates Thanksgiving and Christmas food and gifts for students who's families would otherwise not have a holiday. In many cases the fund will give a student an emergency food gift certificate if the family is in a financial crisis. We are also still paying for Seymour, the school assistance dog. He brings joy and comfort to students and staff on a daily basis. This event will be our first big fundraiser. (If we can generate enough money you won't have to dodge Shari hawking raffle tickets anymore!!)

This laugh filled night will be Leo's version of a retirement party, (of course it won't be his only one I hope) and he wants everyone to attend. He has generously donated his time and talent to MC this stellar event. Thank you Leo!

The date is Friday, April 11, 2008. The venue will be Lenzi's Catering and Function Facilities in Dracut. Tickets are $25 and you can buy a reserved table for 12, for $300.
The cash bar will open at 7pm (with table service) and the show will start at 8:30. There will be music before, and dancing after the show, hosted by Greater Lowell's own DJ, Andy Garabedian. Lots of fabulous raffle prizes will be drawn through out the night. It surely will be a memorable and fun evening to benefit some great causes and a fabulous way to say "Hey Leo, thanks for the memories...."